And Now For The New Life

I have now started my new life, that is I have started my new job. I now work shift work, 10 days out of 21. I look at my work calendar and still think it looks a little weird. I have to admit working two days on, two off, two on, two off, three on, three off and the like is a little strange. The 12 hour days aren't so bad though.
The biggest thing is trying to remember all the things I'm supposed to. Fortunately most of the people I now work with are really good at helping you through the learning process. Most people you ask will say it takes about two years till you really get the hang of the job. I guess I'll see.
Now I'm working my new roster though two things are supposed to happen, one is I'm supposed to get back into training and the other is I better get back into writing, my books won't write themselves.
On the up side those things are happening, slowly. An added bonus is that I am finally getting around to reading again and that feels so good. Ahhh old friend I have missed you. I have missed being swept away to strange and fun places, having adventures, allowing the impossible to be possible if just for a few hours.
I've started running again, something that somehow became quite difficult to do when I was studying after 8 hours in a classroom then getting home to be with the family it became really difficult to go out and get in the kms. Now I can be home on school days I can run back from the school, it is a good time to run and not that hard to get into the routine of. Of course the big problem is that school holidays are about to start so I'll have to see how I manage with that. I've also been able to do a couple of weights and core sessions. In fact today's session was insane but really good.
I've also managed to get in a little writing, but honestly it will take a bit more juggling to get any sort of routine for that planned out.
The girls seem happier though. I make a big effort to keep things light when I get home. It helps me leave the job at work and helps them feel I'm not abandoning them. Being able to do the school runs sometimes now also seems to make a big difference. Hubby is great as always. He knows this new job is stressful, he knows I will have some really, really bad days, but he's not wrong when he says that I come home happier from this new job than I did in my old one. God willing things will run smooth.
On that front I have to admit to still not going to church. I honestly don't know how most church people will react to my new job, it's not a job most christians would be able to do because you can't be a bleeding heart or judgmental. Having said that I am praying more, trying to understand what God wants of me. Trying to do the right thing. I know there are those who would say I can't do the right thing while I'm not going to church. I will however continue to muddle through my life.

Hanging In There

It's been a few weeks since we've been to church. I want my children to learn about faith and have friends who share that but...
Last time we went to church I walked out. In the course of my faith and years at church I've walked out of my share of services. This time it was because the preacher started comparing non-christians to terrorists in between repeats of the statement 'purchase our products after the service'.

I just am now really struggling to find a reason to go back. 

For me the big thing at the moment is separating faith and religion. I find the format of church quite boring. I guess it's a case of not feeling I fit in for so long that I can't be bothered. I know who I am, I know what my skills are, what my interests are, I don't want to do church drama because often it is badly written and well, lets just leave it at that. I don't particularly want hubby in a music team because then there is music team commitments and sundays are a total write off (especially as we go to a church that has two morning services). 

The other thing is so many of our friends that we met through church or associated events are also no longer interested in the sunday ritual. So the question is then, what is going on? What has driven so many creative people away from the church? Is it that in many ways the church doesn't value the creative? Sure the mega churches can pay their music leaders or those in creative ministries but most of the team members are volunteers. There is just one problem with volunteering, you get little to no say in what you will be doing and it's so very hard to get time away from it. The creative pursuits may be your gifting, your passion but you are expected to do it all for nothing and give up a chunk of your time.

Of course the flip side of that is if you love something you give your time up for it anyway, paid or not. I've done plenty of plays for no reason other than the love of it. So why do I do that but reject the idea of joining a church drama team? A lot of it is for the reason I mentioned earlier, I find church sketches to be badly written. That aside, I'm not interested, even a little bit, in 3 minute sketches, as an actor they don't challenge me, I get nothing from doing them, except the feeling that I am wasting my time. Also you really don't get a choice, someone else picks the piece and unless you have loads of willing performers you don't get the option to say no, you are either in the team or not. When I audition for something it's because I want to do the show - I choose what I audition for. The other thing is actors accept my oddness, my sense of humour, my questioning nature and my some what out there personality, I fit in there. With church I feel the need to reel myself in, to curb my questioning, my humour. 

Then there are those who stand under the banner of christianity and spew hate and judgement and for me at the moment that is perhaps the big thing I struggle with. I know I've talked about his things before. I know there are times I think it would be easier if I didn't know so much, didn't read so much, didn't question so much. The way I figure it though is that this is the way I was created so there must be a purpose for it. It may be that I am not the only one who struggles. I'm not the only one who walks the line between wanting to believe and hating so much of what religion stands for.

Through all this though I am blessed to have people of faith whom I admire and who speak into my life, they don't judge me for my questions, they keep me hanging on to that thin thread of faith and even help me reweave strands back into it so I can hang in there a bit longer.

Performance in Church

This is one of the things I've really struggled with over the years. I love acting, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it but I hate church drama with a passion.

It took me a very long time to be willing to get up on a church stage again and once I do they then start doing the very things I disliked about it in the first place.

We hadn't been committed to going to our new church for very long when they announced the formation of a drama team.

To be honest I rolled my eyes and groaned. Mostly because I wondered how or why God would be doing this now when he knew how much I hated it. Then I had that internal debate about whether I should let them know I have experience in performing.

I decided not to get involved.

I know I was judging based on my previous experience but that's what I had to go on. Yes it is possible for the person to be given this position to have more experience and more talent than me. For them to have great ideas and wonderful execution. But I couldn't see that happening.

I didn't give it much thought after that.

Until last week.

The team got up to perform their first (of the first one I'd been there for) sketch. It started for me badly but I thought I'd try and stay. I didn't last and the whole thing wasn't much more than five minutes long.

I walked out feeling guilty about being disrespectful. After all they at least had gotten up there and I hadn't, so what right did I have to judge.

It made me wonder again though, why it is okay for people with heart but no skill to be involved in a drama team but they wouldn't be allowed as part of a music team.

Then again it could be a self perpetuating problem. The sketches are short, unchallenging and sometimes badly written and badly executed, so people with skill won't want to get involved, therefore the only way the team can get new blood is to invite people with heart.

Me I would be embarrassed to be seen to be doing those sketches. That's right I said it embarrassed and I would never invite my friends to come and see one. I laugh when people say it would be good for my acting friends to come and see these things.

I know I probably shouldn't admit to being embarrassed but it's the truth. To be reading your script or to explain the piece before performing are just things that shouldn't happen.

I felt guilty for walking out but my hubby wisely asked how I would have felt being involved in something like that. I replied by telling him I would have hated it. And that is the truth.

It's not so much about being embarrassed by God but by the poor use of something I love.

Yes I think drama could be a very powerful tool but I also don't see that happening because people aren't interested in trying different things. I have tried and the responses have been ranged from 'that sounds interesting' to 'interesting but not now' and being just ignored.

The thing is though, then I have to deal with the 'why aren't you using your skills for God in church?' questions or the idea that because I am a mother my best skill is helping out in kids church.

It makes me sad in a way but the performing I am doing at the moment is challenging and powerful and I am happy to be putting my time in there rather than for a church.

If Just One Person's Life...

I've been doing a bit of thinking recently, actually I usually do quite a bit of thinking. Anyway, I was speaking to someone recently who said that she was glad we accepted her at a time she had a few problems, even though as christians we probably shouldn't have. My response was to shrug and say I wasn't much of one for following rules. It didn't make sense to her that someone from my background would be willing to accept someone from her background.

So this is what got me thinking. I never really was concerned about whether I should or shouldn't be friends with this person. I knew I didn't agree with a lot of what she did but so, I was prepared to open up a little and so was she (the crossover for us was our children's friendship). It occurred to me while I was running today, and praying, that if my life can open up new possibilities to just one person then maybe things I've gone through aren't just a pain in my butt and a frustrating waste of time. Now this person isn't about to start going to church, and even I have trouble doing that, but she doesn't only think negative things about my kind of faith. Surely this is preaching by living.

Believe me when I say I don't use that phrase lightly, I do understand the weight behind it, I just wonder if the weight we've given it is the wrong sort. My thoughts on that concept have usually veered towards the idea that people will be attracted to the goodness and shining example of God that 'should' be in any good christian's life. Maybe the focus should instead be on living in a way that you can meet people where they are. Maybe allowing them to see the struggles and problems is just as important. Life for most people isn't smooth. For a lot it is a struggle in many different ways and sometimes I think as Christians we hide behind the idea that 'God will fix it' so we shouldn't tell others about it and shouldn't complain. This though is a facade we hide behind and it's very possible it is doing more damage than good.

I know this is kind of an unformed idea but for a very long time I have been hung up on this idea that to be a Christian I need to be the kind of people others (church goers) expect me to be and I have a lot of trouble being that person. However the type of person I am has opened up my friends heart and that can't be a bad thing.

Church Family

I have been thinking a bit about church. Recently we visited one we used to go to regularly. We'd left there on okay terms but we'd left because they'd wanted us to do things we just didn't want to. In a way this has influenced my church involvement since. I admit to having a very wide stubborn streak and I question quite a lot. One of the questions that gets asked repeatedly is 'why do I have to do it your way?'

So I wonder were is the line between rebellion and not wanting to be too religious (what's the word they used to describe the pharisees - nope can't think of it so strictly religious will have to do)?

Anyway I haven't figured that one out yet, and i just don't want to be trapped in a box, yet when I say no it's like 'oh well you obviously aren't a very good christian'. You know what I'm not but I do try.

Anyway, back to visiting our old church. We were warmly welcomed and while sitting in the service I realised it felt like home and church hasn't felt that way for me in a very long time. Here's the thing about home though it's not without it's problems. You go and visit your parents and it feels like home but it comes fully equipped with disagreements, arguments and varying points of view. Home isn't always full of people who agree and like each other but it is still home.

Maybe this is a key I've never fully realised. Oh sure I've understood that we are all created differently, I guess I just thought we should accept the difference better or something. If we truly are family though that changes things a little. We may not always get along or do things the same way but blood is still blood and we are all purchased with the shed blood of Christ and that should trump circumstances any day of the week.

Taking Out Religion

Think of it this way, it’s not about blind hope in a deity, rather an understanding of how life works and your place in it.

This is a sentence I wrote after I decided to take religion out of my novel. As I wrote it I questioned how that statement stacked up against my beliefs. On the surface you probably think it doesn’t. Yes I am aware it sounds rather new agey. I think though this statement has come out of my struggle with churchianity.

Yes it is easier in some ways to keep your faith going when you are plugged in to a church but here is the question; is that living, understanding and growing your relationship or is it merely existing – adhering to the parameters put in place by those who run the institution you choose to worship at?

I get how these thoughts in my mind can be confusing, believe me I live with them. So let me break it down a little.

I find services to be uber structured. Yes I understand the need for structure, but if the structure is too rigid then there isn’t a lot of room for God to move. I’ve been in some awesome services where music has opened the floodgates from heaven just not so much recently. Just when I feel on the brink the service moves on and we go to church news or communion.

Now communion should, you might think, not disrupt the flow. For me though I have found it has very little depth in any service any more. As much as the way it was done when I was a kid was very ritualistic, it had far more gravity. Two minutes to think ‘thank you God for saving me’ doesn’t give anyone the chance to truly meditate on the concept that you’re not supposed to come to communion with anything against anyone. Let alone consider and meditate on the breadth and depth of the sacrifice made to make it possible for us to communicate with God personally.

Moving on, we have news, and tithes and offerings. A giving Sunday I attended recently included the plea to give to these charity things we are helping with, oh and we need many times more than that for the new building we want. This conflicts me in a way. I know churches cost money to run but at the same time…

Then there is the sermon. I have gone to church for as long as I can remember and so many sermons are repetitions of what I have heard before. Often these sermons are on a very limited range of topics as well. So I ask are things kept simple only because of new people or is it also to keep our faith simple?

All I know is I find church doesn’t do for me what it used to. My conclusion…I need to feed myself. The early church, I imagine, spent a lot of time talking to each other. They met in houses and they talked. That is what I tend to be doing now. Talking. Not in specific meetings but with others, online and when I catch up with them, friends. In amongst a lot of sad stories we find golden nuggets of truth that help us. Little things that buoy our spirits, help us through and give us the wisdom we seek for our lives.

So all this comes down to understanding life, the way it works, how faith weaves through it and finding out our place in it. So my original statement is not as far from faith as it may have originally seemed.

To Church Or Not To Church

The other day someone wondered why I was considering leaving the church, and I ended up writing a rather lengthy response. I think it is well worth repeating my thoughts with a few additions here.

For me it's a culmination of many things. Repetitive services designed to be user friendly, they say if you want depth you'll attend a small group (it hasn't even been particularly relative to church size), if you can't do that because you have other commitments then too bad. Being used, hubby is a muso and if you say you'll help once or for a number of weeks it's assumed you will continue to, they may know he gets 2 or 3 hrs sleep before rocking up early to practice etc but they never understood that it meant he spends very little of sunday with his family. The assumption that I'm a mother so I'll be eager to help out in kids, to be honest I find other peoples kids a bit annoying at times. I struggle with the formulaic structure of the service - sing, communion, news, money, sermon, alter call. I understand the need for it but in many ways things have become so structured they are no longer fluid.

I designed a worship service once, based around the need for the musos to have a rest and have had it dismissed saying some of it may be useable - I think it was mostly because it was very different and contemplative, also there was no place for most of the usual structure. I won't deny it hurt to have it rejected, it was something I had put a lot of thought and prayer into but I've found that creative ministry simply isn't that creative, it has to fit into a very limited scope and if you suggest anything outside that it's not even really considered. For me as a creative person the end result has been why would I want to use my skills for church, church does so much in my field badly and I don't want to do that.

As for fellow-shipping outside church hours, there have been various times we've organised things only to have the church people agree to come and not show up, not even having the decency to call and let us know, or even apologise after the fact.

There's a lot there I know, and it has almost turned into an essay but it is the culmination of events that has bought me/us to this point. I'd like to say I'm not bitter, but neither are the experiences forgotten. We learn from our experiences and if we don't change what we do how can we expect to get different results (I forget who said that). So using this logic would I not be better off finding an alternative to organised religion?

There were plenty of responses and I have to say much encouragement. I enjoy the interaction with these people as they encourage me to think, and to push through. For me this interaction is invaluable. Where I struggle with the more traditional idea of church it's people like these, some of whom have been through or are going through similar valleys, that keep me going.

It's so important to realise that sometimes it's the small things, like being honest about what you feel, think or struggle with, that make it possible for others to come along side and remind you that your feelings or experiences aren't wrong, they just are. We all have our own road to travel and it's often the people that come alongside us as we do that give the journey it's value.

It goes back to that old saying, 'it's not the destination but the journey that matters'.

Hang in there, whoever you maybe, and know we can all do with a helping hand sometimes.

Words of Encouragement

If you read my blog on a regular basis you will know I have certain hang-ups and one is my struggle with church.

Someone who has known me for a while and has been involved in ministry said to my hubby that they understand why I struggle to fit in. I cannot tell you how much of a relief hearing those words was. Those simple words gave me the gift of realising that maybe I'm not losing it. Maybe my frustrations are valid and maybe just maybe I do still hear from God.

Of course I realise this doesn't make everything alright, I still have the same character flaws that I had yesterday but it gives me the strength to keep questioning and pushing and not giving up. Somehow that feels like a good thing.

Expectations

I’ve just been cast in another play and I know it’s going to be a blast. I can’t help but wonder how I managed to not do anything for three years. Now this’ll be my fourth play in 18 months.

I love being someone else. I love the adrenaline rush of being on stage. I love getting feedback like “I wonder if that’s what she’s like in person?”, when I’m nothing like the character I’m playing. I’m grateful for the friendships I’ve found in the theatre.

For all the fragility of being involved in performance; all the self-doubt in my abilities, it’s one place I feel loved and I don’t mean empty accolades like ‘oh we think you’re great…’ I’m talking about being accepted. Truly accepted for who I am.

I just realised something. I don’t expect my friends from the theatre to understand or be interested in my faith, yet I expect people from church to be interested in my theatrical pursuits. I have a double standard in my life that I wasn’t even aware of. Huh!

It just goes to show how much I am responsible for those layers of hurt, hardness, protection I mentioned in ‘A Hard Heart’.

I expected more from people who are Christians because…I guess I just figured they should be genuinely interested in what my interests are. That’s a pretty selfish thought.

It’s put me on the other side. I once told a friend that I liked her but not a choice she had made. It put a huge gap between us because I didn’t understand how that hurt her. Years later we found each other again and she told me how I’d hurt her. To her the issue was more to do with who she was, not just a choice she had made. Now I am on the flip side. I feel the creative is not just a matter of interests or hobby but rather an integral part of me.

So much in life is a matter of perspective and we are all human. We all see things through different colour lenses. We all rate things as having different values.

Wow. Something else to work on. Fortunately like most things, the first step is recognising the problem and now I’ve done that I can start to make my choices with a better frame of reference. It reminds me that often we travel through life with blinders on – not just tinted glasses. How much better would things be if we periodically take a moment or two to step back, take a good look at ourselves and see how we have blinded ourselves to ourselves.

Advice?

Blessed is the man who doesn’t walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.

Psalm 1:1

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

Proverbs 15:22

I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing for a while, more specifically what to do when those who advise you do so with little to no understanding of what’s really in your heart. Of course I can’t really speak to anyone else’s experience so I’ll speak to my own.

Firstly I’ll give you an example from my marriage. When we had just had our first child my husband was playing in a cover band, gigging in pubs on weekends. It was at the time the only income we had apart from welfare. He was still playing in church but he’d do so after having had maybe three hours sleep (something he is still doing but at a different church). One day one of the leaders came up to us and said Steve should stop playing in the pubs and use his gift solely for the church. I think around that time I asked if they would pay the same as the gig, and of course that wasn’t about to happen.

Now similar things have happened to me. People just assume I am going to be involved in church drama and I have been at certain periods of time, but not at the moment and not often. Bottom line is I don’t like church drama, at least not like it tends to be where I’ve gone. When I say I’d much rather play a suicidal person or a psycho at a theatre rather than some weak character in some three minute skit, they don’t get it. They say I should use my gifts for God. They don’t understand how I could not be passionate about getting involved in church drama.

Here’s the thing though, there have been times when I’ve bitten the bullet and written stuff for church but no seems interested in those. I even wrote an entire worship service in response to a need and a lot of prayer, but one again they aren’t interested. I want to see interesting characters and 12 to 15 minute dramas that can be tied into messages. I don’t see why we can’t use these as opposed to film clips. I want to see things well-acted and yes even thought provoking, as opposed to the cheap giggles of seeing someone you may know on the stage.

So see it’s not that I’m not passionate about my gifts, it’s that there is no place for my gifts in the church. So where does that leave me. Do I bow to the advise of well-meaning people who say that God gave me my gifts to use for the church? Or do I follow my passion, keep challenging myself and keep hanging out with non-christians?

Then there are those people who say to me ‘I can’t wait for you to bring your acting friends to church. Why would I, I ask? Not for sketches that’s for sure. The people I know are performers, they watch and even study acting, and the stuff often done in the churches I’ve gone to just doesn’t cut it. I realise a lot of people like them and that’s fine just don’t expect me to.

So considering all this what do I do with my gifts? How do I find the right advice when the people most think you should go to for that advise simply don’t understand my passion or the industry. They think I should be content colouring inside the boxes they’ve designed for me. So what do I do when I’m not? What do I do when people aren’t interested in changing from boxes to heptagons? Do I compromise my passion and artistic integrity to toe the party line? Unfortunately I don’t do that very well. I like to have fun with my talent, I like to challenge myself artistically. So why do I feel rejected and unsupported if I choose to use my ability outside of a church environment?

Lest you think the only people I’m hearing from are church people, you should know my in-laws have there own thoughts. Now I love them dearly but being told I should consider teaching…now if they really knew me they would know I so don’t have the gifting to be a teacher. I don’t have the patience. My mother never understood my passion but she accepted it and in her own way supported it. My dad reckons ‘go for it’ – whatever it is. Well meaning friends and acquaintances say be careful. Very few people have actually bothered to ask why I feel led certain ways.

Very few have taken the time to invest in my talent. The people who support my talent are often those outside my faith or on the edge (those who have faith but are moving away from church and organised religion). I am good at what I do. I have worked at it and I studied it. This burns in my veins. It is what I desperately want to do. It’s what relaxes and calms me. It’s what fires me up.

So where does all this leave me and those like me? Those of us who are gifted and passionate. Those of us who want to stay true to our giftings, callings and passions. Or is it simply a matter of forsaking the search for advice and know that the path before me is difficult and at the best of times people not on that path just don’t have a grasp of it?

How do I find people who can stand with me, offer guidance, support and prayer? Where do I go to look for that counsel? How do I walk that balance of faith and ability?

Easter???

I walked out of church on Easter Sunday morning. Part of me thought I shouldn’t because it would be considered rude, but I just couldn’t stay there while my spirit longed for a more intimate connection with God. Also when I went back in I didn’t take communion. I know, how shocking, but I’m sure it says in the Bible not to take communion lightly and with the wrong heart. My heart wasn’t in that place. Not that I wasn’t thankful, grateful and all those things that we acknowledge at Easter, I was and I am, I just wasn’t about to take it because of form. Form is what has been getting to me. The package is seemingly empty and I want more than that.

And I’ve heard all the arguments that we are supposed to be part of the church and use our gifts for the church, and that I shouldn’t go to church for myself and what I get out of it. You know what though? If church is like the family dinner you are obligated to go to that you leave feeling as though there were no connections and it was a waste of time, then is that the position I want to place myself in, in my relationship with God? I think not. I want something real. Honest. I can’t remember the last time during a worship service that people singing about bowing their knees before God, actually did that. I can’t remember that last time it was bought to my attention in church that “woe to me…I am ruined! I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.” (Isaiah 6) I cannot remember the last time someone from a pulpit said God is King, he is Sovereign he deserves the bent knee, the downcast eye and the bowed head.

Back to the Easter service. It ended with prayers to God to overcome our problems and bless us. Of course as I had walked out it’s entirely possible I missed something, though the small bit of the service I heard indicated that that something wasn’t the something I was longing for. Honestly it left a really bad taste in my mouth. Should Easter Sunday not be the day we take a break from coming to God with our hand out asking for more and simply be grateful for the awesome, absolutely earth-shattering sacrifice that made Easter, Easter.

 

Church Service

Do we get caught up in the spectacle, the production of church? The louder the singing, the louder the cheering, the more we love God.
What about awe and majesty? The still small voice? Community displays of respect?
It’s funny I love production. Music, acting, it’s who I am. But maybe it’s possible to stretch our perceptions and expectations, to discard what has been established and the routine we’ve fallen into. Is there perhaps a time to dial it back?
The song ‘Heart of Worship’ by Matt Redman, came from such a time. Now I’m not suggesting we all need to spend months just worshipping with a guy on an acoustic guitar, that would be another routine for the sake of it. I just wonder if there’s something in that for a moment.
Who knows? I certainly don’t have the answers. I wish I did. Is it possible that we could benefit from a structure different to: arrive, 4 songs, news, offering, song, preaching, altar call, song.
Should we see ourselves as a structure, rigid, or as part of those streams of living water? If it’s more than the structure and the form, if what we have is a living, breathing relationship, then we need to let it breathe and grow. Growth involves movement and change. It might be a good time to note that if water stays still for long it grows stagnant. I don’t want to be stagnant.