The Good Things

Sometimes it does us well to be reminded of the good things.
The world is so full of hate and vitriol that it is easy to forget.
So today I am going to not rant. Strange for this blog but hey, change is good for you they say.
Good things.

I have a family who love me no matter how bonkers I get at times, and believe me with the crazy ass job I have and my pursuit of being a writer it can get pretty bonkers. Sure we have our ups and downs, every family does. I also have a house where we randomly walk by each other and say 'I love you' and give our spontaneous hugs. We also embrace each other for their quirks and uniqueness.

It's sometimes hard to remember to do things together, particularly now the kids are getting older, they have their own things to do, but there are times we remember to do just that and it makes a difference, it gives us a chance to reconnect.

I have a job that I like, sure it can be stressful but I often come home laughing, which is better than crying, I should know as I've had that life experience, not as much fun as it might sound. It pays my bills, enables me to do fun stuff and pursue my hobbies.

Sure they may be as crazy as I am but that's probably why we are friends. A lot of them I only see a few times a year and you know what, that doesn't matter.

I love them, miss them when I don't see them and love it when we get to catch up.

I have always been pretty hotheaded, I get worked up about things. My temper can burn hot. It makes life interesting. I couldn't imaging being uncaring about things. I think if you are that numb to what is going on around you then that is pretty sad.

Passion gets two plusses though because yes it is good to care about things but also it is good to have something you are passionate about that keeps you busy. In my case it is writing. Writing is something I have done pretty much for as long as I can remember and yes it is finally paying off as I should be published this year. Someone actually wanted to publish my book. Writing takes up a lot of my time but it also makes me feel better. In fact if I spend too much time not writing I get more than a little antsy.

Sure I have days where I feel a bit negative towards my body, I think we all do. Mostly though I'm happy with it. Then again over the last five or so years I've worked hard at it. I lost nearly 10 kgs (it fluctuates on a good day it's just over) but more than that, I toned up, got stronger and got fitter. I enjoy exercising and I love self defence training. Sure I know both those things aren't for everyone. I think there is a lot to be said about looking after your body for health reasons but as to shape and size, well that's really no-ones business but your own. Embrace who you are, change it if you want, leave it if you don't. (On a brief side issue, I'm so glad Barbie finally made some fundamental changes, not that I was ever a Barbie kind of girl.)

There is no shame in acknowledging that you are struggling. Many suffer from depression and so many more mental illnesses that it really should no longer be taboo. Everyone struggles at sometime. Some just have more a a struggle on their hands. Get help. This is not a negative thing this is a positive thing. Help is there for everyone. Me I'm thankful that I'm going through a good patch and yes in my case the depression is mild and periodic. For some of my friends it is a constant battle that can require careful monitoring of medication. You are not alone, that is a good thing and something that you can hold onto even in your darkest times.

So, take a moment for yourself and look to some good in your life. How does yours fair? Are there changes you want to make? Is it better than you though when you got up this morning?
Life can be brutal, it can be full of joy. Life is meant to be textured. We can never know what others are going through unless they chose to share it with us. Be someone that someone can share with. Going through life alone is not how it is meant to be, I'm sure of it. Of course that doesn't mean it is a popularity contest like much of modern media would have you believe. Contentment really can be found on a much smaller scale. Look for the good in your life today. You may be surprised.

I'm Not Dead Yet

Those four words were my mantra yesterday.
I'm not dead yet.
Every time I got asked 'How you going Kylie?' or words to that effect, my answer was 'I'm not dead yet.'
How or why did it get to that point?
Yesterday I completed my second Tough Mudder. Some will say, 'you crazy woman', others 'go you'. I'm good with both.

Yesterday though was a bigger challenge for me than the actual race. Some very good friends of mine, and teammates, were injured and unable to run this year. This hit me in a very strange way. I realised that this would mean I would be running with a bunch of people for whom fitness is their competitive centre. This made me nervous, I do these events to challenge myself and because, running for the sake of running is something that simply doesn't appeal to me. I like the obstacles.
The map came out and I got excited again. The day drew closer and I got nervous again. Yesterday morning I was both.
I met the new team members.

Where was Josh? 

We laughed and got psyched up. We jumped the wall into the starting box.

We heard the spiel and said the Oath.
I will not whine, kids whine.
Then we went.

I felt good but it wasn't long before the others hit their stride as the pack spread out and I kept up for a km or so but my running time simply isn't very fast. I started to get disheartened. That is a bad headspace to be in. This whole thing is about challenging yourself, not being better than or even as good as everybody else. What an unreasonable expectation to put on oneself.
The problem with being someone like me is I hate being the weakest link. I hate letting others down and that is how I felt. I felt as though I was letting the team down.
Don't get me wrong there was nothing in my team's behaviour that made me feel that way, it was all in my head. But my head can be a messed up place to be. Once you start a downward spiral like that it can be damn difficult to pull yourself out.

Fe wouldn't let me sink, she recognised my mental struggle and kicked my butt, mentally and physically, that's what good friends do, they know how to help you, even when you try to push them away.
I kept going. I wasn't going to let the run beat me. I said I may not be fast but I could definitely do the distance. If they wanted to get out ahead, I didn't mind. They didn't leave me. I came up with a different strategy. I don't need to rest a lot. I'm a stubborn thing. I decided the best way I could help the team was to run while I could, if they needed to stop to get out stones I would head off knowing it wouldn't take them long to catch up. It was the best plan I could think of to not slow them down.
'How you going Kylie?'
'I'm not dead yet.'

I was determined. But my head wasn't making it easy for me, I came off an obstacle I'd made it over every other time. My head said, 'You're too old for this.', 'Why did you bother?'. Deep inside me fought back with 'shut the f*&% up, I'm not dead yet.'
There was an obstacle I really wanted to succeed at, and it didn't matter that more than half the people I saw attack it came off, when I came off I was frustrated and annoyed, 'What did you expect, you're just not good at this.'
'F*&% off, I'm not dead yet.'
I wrenched an arm slightly coming down a wall and I didn't care, because it was a minor inconvenience nothing more. Those obstacles are the part of it I love, and I can help with them. I can be a team player. At some point in time I realise I am the oldest in our team by a bit, so I told them to kiss my ass. The voice in my head recedes and that is good.
The terrain this year was tougher, I'm sure of it. More hills and definitely more rocks to climb. My knees aren't too fond of stairs and that translates to hills and rocky outcroppings but damn it 'I'm not dead yet.'

Then came my arch nemesis, Everest, damn it more than anything I wanted to beat that one this year. And I nearly did, I even caught the hand of the guys at the top but it wasn't a good enough grip and I slipped. Damn it so I tried again. And tripped on something taking a very heavy fall. Busted up my whole right side rather spectacularly. Everyone else made it. It was a huge blow to my mind but 'I don't care, I'm not dead yet'.
I limped away but shook it off and continued on. My team was awesomely supportive. They pushed me and encouraged me.
Bugger it though, my hand was swelling up and I couldn't  hold onto anything, so try as I might (and I did try) I couldn't beat the next couple of obstacles. You know what though, 'I'm not dead yet.'
I hit the arctic enema.

I loved the Fire in your Hole.

As a repeat Mudder, a Legionnaire, we got another go at Everest, but I had to let it go. Then was the electricity. Others thought having done it before they would go around, me having come that far and fought so damn hard with my own mind, my own fears and insecurities, decided 'I'm not dead yet, let's go'.
I did it. I finished the event. I finished it with a great team. Thank you guys. They even made sure I crossed the line with them.
My mental game didn't finish there though because as I tried to break it all down I became convinced that in some way I was a failure. What a crock. I completed an event that many won't even contemplate doing. How is that failure? Sure it wasn't the fastest time but it was quicker than last year. I got the best injury and I still finished. I'm over forty, I ran a lot of kms (I think the official distance was 18kms) and I beat my own fear of heights and failure.

I got caught in my own insecurities. I let myself focus on the negatives. I'm too old, not fit enough. I'm letting them down.
No one put these thoughts into my head. They are my own perceptions. My own fears. We live in a society where we focus too much on the negative. We are almost better at putting ourselves down. Is it because we think if we do it, it won't hurt when others do? In my case, yeah probably, it's a hang over from my school days of being teased and rejected. All these years later the effects that are mostly gone still pop up every now and then. It's a battle, but it is one you can win. You're not dead yet.

I am 41 years old, I was never very good at sport and yet I have finished two Tough Mudders. Kiss my ass. I am not good with heights, and yet I will climb those damn ladders and jump off that platform. I will throw myself at a suspended cargo net, and a curved wall. I can be injured and I won't give up.
All in all it is a bit like life. The only thing that really matters is how you react to what is in front of you. Your challenges may not be the same as someone else's, so what. You don't need to conform to what someone else dictates. The only person you need to be happy with, and challenge (be better than) is yourself. Don't allow the negative thoughts, the fears and insecurities, rule your actions. Align yourself with others who can help, be that in words of encouragement or kicking your ass (figuratively or literally).
I am not a failure.
I am not dead yet.
There is plenty more fight in me. That is how we face our fears, reach our goals and grab our dreams.
You're not dead yet.

I Am Spartan!

Yesterday I did something awesome.

That's right I completed my first Spartan Sprint. It's not my first obstacle race but I've got to say I think it's the toughest one. It was in a word brutal. And yet it was awesome.
Let me dissect that a little for you.
Spartan started for us at 0840am, it was cold, the sun wasn't even over the hill yet and the breeze was brisk.

That's the gentle sloping side, the side we had to go part way up carrying sandbags.
Anyway we started in such a fun way, by going for a swim.

Holy crap it was cold. Then we crawled under barbed wire, jumped some fences and headed up the most brutal hill I've ever seen. Trust me it looked tough when I was at the base and still dry and semi warm. We faced rope climbs, weight challenges, the dreaded spear throw, monkey bars with a twist, mud crawls, cargo ropes and lots and lots of water. Then of course the burpees.

(I was so tired by here, really close to the end)
In case you didn't know burpees suck at the best of times let alone when legs are shaking and cramping and you body is screaming at you for making the decision to do this stupid thing in the first place.
Finally you get to the end and you don't really care how long it took but it feels so incredible just to have finished.
Why was the Spartan race so cool and so important to me?
Because I am not so young any more and I've never been particularly sporty. Spartan is a challenge. Seven kms of pain that is more about, can I finish it, than can I win anything.
In 2008 a bunch of us met as cast and crew for a theatre production, if anyone had said that in 2014 we'd be volunteering to do a race such as this we'd have laughed so hard and asked what they were on. yet it's 2014 and here we are.

I started running as an anger management tool. I was frustrated and needed a way to deal with it without taking it out on my family. It soon became a love/hate thing. I run because I need the cardio workout (my body craves it), I do the other things because I really enjoy the challenge of them. We all have our own reasons. They are all slightly different but we pull together as a team when it matters.
Sure you can do Spartan by yourself (you'd have to be bigger and fitter than me to do so) but sometimes it is better to do things in a team.
It's like life, sometimes the pain comes and we feel we have no choice but to just push through by ourselves. It might be a good time to remember that there is strength in numbers. I'm short I cannot get over a 10 foot wall by myself, I'm stubborn and I won't let my team mates give up also I can sit on the top of the wall and help pull you up. I have my strengths and my weaknesses. Everyone has them. Together we got the team over the line, and through all the pain we had fun with it.

I love my team.

Life is a team event.

It is also about how you choose to face it. I'm older than I've ever been and fitter than I've ever been. People think I'm nuts, not just because I'm a geek or an obstacle racer, but I'm me and I'm comfortable with all my wackiness. I am also only one of 42 women aged 40-49 who took on the Spartan race and I came in 27th. I'm so happy with that. The stats overall were over 450 women raced and I came in at around 278 from memory. I couldn't have done it by myself.
I tell you what though, a couple of those first few obstacles nearly stopped me in my tracks. Sometimes life can be that brutal, particularly when it comes to chasing our dreams. We hit an obstacle and decide there is no way we can go any further. I'm here to tell you, you absolutely can. That ice water is only shocking and freezing while you're in it and not moving. Swim through it and get out and run. That mountain is only a hill with an amazing view to appreciate once you get to the top.
The only person in life you have to make happy is yourself (because funnily enough when you are happy you want to make others happy), the only person you have to be better than is yourself yesterday. Set your own goals and don't let the haters, or laughers stop you.
Set your targets, find that person or group of people who will stand by you, encourage you and pick you up when you stumble. And we all stumble.
I am Spartan!
Who are you?

Bad Parenting On My Holidays

Damn it, my holiday time is nearly over. I have a week to finish all those things I planned on doing during my holidays and I think that still includes about 40000 words of writing for at least one WIP. Still it has been awesome doing all the things I've done. Watched a heap of movies and recorded shows. Got myself some cool toys to help with my writing. Caught up with some friends. Done a bit of reading. In fact todays great achievement was finishing two books.
I also have managed to get my fitness stuff back on track, and there lies a small problem. My munchkins have decided to get into fitness in their own way. This is awesome for them but has proven a little frustrating for me. They both want to go running with me but they are little and not so little. A run for me can be almost an hour long thing up around 7+ kms. For them the little one can do 2kms with interval training included the older one 4kms, and while this is an awesome effort it means I don't tend to do my running on days I do that. Their pace is slower and I try not to get frustrated or push them too hard. In a way I'm incredibly proud of them for what they are able to do, but I still must admit to feeling a little frustrated.
Then they try to use my weights and other workout things, as well as trying to get me to train them when all I want to do is flake. I know I should treasure those moments as the time we have with are children is so fleeting but… Frustration.
Looking at it from a different way though perhaps I should consider the reason they want to do this stuff is because I do this stuff and they want to be involved with what I like.
Lets face it my work isn't something to share with them and the life of a writer is, by default, fairly solitary. I don't always want to watch what they want to but perhaps I should allow myself that time without feeling guilty that I am not doing something more productive. Tricky to manage sometimes considering that for me reading isn't wasting time, I get sent books to review so I have to read them, if I don't I won't get more books, and I must have new books.
As a parent part of you thinks you should cherish all the moments you get but it is so much easier to just focus on ourselves in regards to how we use our time. 'I don't have time to watch you run in circles around the back yard Jonny because I have shopping to do, Facebook to check, a drink to get myself'.
In short I have one week left to make sure I help with homework, reading them stories, watching something whilst curled up with them or just going for a little jog, then work happens again and my schedule becomes a little more complicated. The thing is children sometimes just want to know they rate on your scale of important things and if that means it takes me half an hour to cover 2kms with a playground stop, then you know what? I will put aside 20 mins to spend with my fitness interested munchkin.

Evaluation

So this year is drawing to an end, it's not really the time we focus on what we have achieved but rather on what gifts we are giving and to whom. Me I feel like a quick evaluation is worth it at this point.
So what have I achieved: I finished my probation period at work and I'm still gainfully employed; I completed Tough Mudder; I vollied at a con and got asked to do others; I got asked to play a bigger role for one of the sites I review for; I am still writing.

Now is not the time to get complacent about any of this, and it would be so easy to do just that. I'm on holiday, Christmas is drawing near and most people are winding down. So lets evaluate and start looking forward to next year.

Me work goes on as normal, mine is not a job particularly altered by Christmas, we still need to work, we don't close down, not even for one day. I will be working Christmas Eve and Christmas night, it is going to be a first for me, for our family but we will manage. The thing is little things like this aren't big in the grand picture of things, it is something that is so very easily worked around. So my next little goal  is to give my kids an awesome Christmas that may be a little different from those of previous years.

I'm currently doing this ridiculous thing called 30 Burpees a Day for 30 Days. And yes it is as ridiculous as it sounds, and yes burpees are horrible things… but it is a goal and it is a good time to have a goal like this because it stops me falling into pre-festive season laziness. For those who may be interested I have signed up to do a Spartan Sprint this year as well as Tough Mudder again, the difference is that the Sprint is shorter and all about your time. So my fitness goals are continuing to have a strong hold on me, though there are days I really just want to not do anything.

I am already looking at the cons I want to do next year and how to work them into my schedule. So this is a goal for next year but the key with a goal like this one is it doesn't have to be a self-centred goal. I figure if I go interstate for something like this why shouldn't I take the family and make it a family holiday at the same time?

Goals simply do not have to be serious - you know work or fitness related. A goal can be anything really that you want to do or achieve. A goal can be fulfilling something silly on your bucket list, if you have. In this case I want to do something nice with my family and combining these two things is a perfect fit. Now if only I can pull it off both financially and with time away from work.

The other thing about goals or dreams is sometimes you have to know when to let go. I have done no acting in the last 12 months and yes I miss it, and yes I'm feeling the urge to get back up on the stage again. The thing is when you evaluate you need to make sure you are not spreading yourself to thin and thereby making yourself useless to those around you.
For me that means something may need to go and well the desire to make it as a writer is stronger than my desire to get back on stage. It is hard enough to get a writing project finished while I'm working full time, if I have decided I'm serious about my writing I'm going to have to put more time into it.

Time is one of those things some of us never seem to have enough of, which really just means we need to manage our time better. After a 12 hr shift though I admit it is really hard to get motivated to doing anything, which is why I'm trying to uses this time of leave to get myself into some good habits, like working out nearly everyday. If I can get my body expecting to workout for a bit whenever I sit my butt down to watch tv, then hopefully it will be easier to do just that.

The same applies with my writing, I need to get myself back to that place where I set myself a goal for every day. There are times when that goal is simply a few words and there are times that it needs to be more than that. I haven't done NaNo this year because I simply didn't think I'd be able to fit it in with everything else I've had vying for my leave time, also because I wanted to work on WIP's not something new.

I will get there because of this mind set:

So I know I need to break my writing into smaller goals, like I have done with my fitness. So my first stage is to complete the first draft of book one, then the first draft of book two, then you know how it goes - editing stages. I also have about 3 other WIP's so each of those can be broken into small goals as well. Hopefully by this time next year I will have some completed manuscripts (at least first drafts if nothing else).

So to sum up my evaluation: I have achieved some awesome things in these last 12 months, some I never ever would have thought I would; and I am in a good place as this year winds down and we head into the new one, I have wonderful things to achieve in my life and I believe I will get there.

I just need to work on them. That's the thing with goals, we need to work on them and not be afraid to sweat for them.

I Came and Kicked Its Ass

I did it.

The thing that has been my goal for the last 12+ months I have now done. It was awesome. More than that I conquered one of the obstacles I really thought there was no way I would.

Not all that long ago there was no way I would have thought it possible. In fact there was a time when a couple of us who competed would have laughed at the suggestion and assumed the person speaking had hit the theatre bar a little early. 'You think I'm going to what over 20kms?!' Goals are funny things though. Some people are good with them, some not so good. Me, I am grateful for my headstrong personality which means once I've set my mind to do something there better be a really good reason for me not to get it done. That is not just with things such as fitness goals, though that is a huge thing for people at the moment. I'm all for setting fitness goals, I still have them, I need to continue on the path I've set myself on, there is simply no way I am going to let that go now, I've got next year to prepare for and it looks as though I will compete in more than one event. The feeling the kind of success that is reaching your goals brings, is AWESOME! I am determined to push harder.

It is the same determination that should be applied to all aspects of life though. If I only applied it to one area then my life is likely to get all out of whack. My family don't want someone who is obsessed with just one thing to to detriment of everything else. That kind of thinking makes for a very one dimensional and yes very boring person. All of us can probably be a little that way, if you don't want to be stuck talking about the one topic for hours then never bring up books with me.

Fortunately I have other goals that drive me, and I have set those before me as I did my fitness goal. I finished my first novel, now my next goal there is to make it into two on the advice of someone who knows better than me. I am part way there and I plan on using my time off to get further there. Goals can be a great thing. Don't let them become a narrow focus for you though because we all need to be more than one dimensional beings, we all need something else in our lives just in case it turns to crap, as it sometimes does.

There is just one other thing I want to say about goals. Sometimes it can be a great help to have someone along side you. Someone with the same goal, or a similar one. Someone to encourage you and pick you up. Someone who will just boot your ass if needed.

Those of you have been there for me in my Tough Mudder journey you know who you are and I thank you. Those of you who are there for my writing pursuits I thank you too. Without friends and support it can be hard to reach the end. Without someone to boot your butt occasionally it can be easy to slip into the slumber of apathy that says, 'well I tried it once, it doesn't matter if I try again'.

Road Blocks

So it's already October, that means my biggest challenge of the year is looming.

That's right this is my biggest challenge; 20kms, 20+ obstacles. It is going to be brutal and hopefully fun.

I have been training hard for this. I have worked hard this last year and a half on my fitness and strength. The time is getting short to get a good amount of training in before the day. There are days when I just don't want to go out but I do. There are days that I think a little bit will be good enough and I end up pushing myself further than ever. Then there are days like the other day. I went out to push the distance, to see how far I could go before dinner. A couple of hundred meters down the road I thought my hip felt a bit sore but pushed it aside thinking 'it's just a little pain I can push through it I'm sure Mudder will come with more pain'. So I kept running, till about 2kms from home I heard this bone crunching kind of sound and my leg almost gave out from under me.

Do you have any idea how mush it sucks to be injured this close to your goal event? A lot. For someone like me it's not just the injury that is the problem, it's the fact it makes me feel weak. There is a part of me that thinks I should just push hard through it. Then there is a smaller part of me that knows it is better if I rest it for a bit at least. Fortunately for me the smaller part is bolstered by the support of my other half who has been a great support and trainer through all my self inflicted torture. He tells me I'm not to go out, he reassures me that taking some time off doesn't make me weak. I have had to accept limitations this week and I don't do well with limitations. What keeps me from trying to run through the pain though is knowing I don't have to let this road block stop me. I just need to be a little patient, like with any road block it is just a temporary thing, before long you can get back on your way. I have to believe that. I have to believe I will be back out there soon because I've already paid my entry fee and I'll be stuffed if I'm going to forfeit that for a little owie. (Of course I would feel a bit better if my owie had some external indication of pain so I could show it as a badge of courage.)

Not As Young As I Was

Statement of fact really for every one of us. When we were younger 30 seemed so old. 40 was just about ancient let alone 50 or 60. Now I'm here at 40 I don't feel old, I still feel like me. Young, silly and not ready to consider myself as old.
Of course it helps that I'm fitter now than I have been in years but the truth is that, in and of itself, is an indication of getting older. Once upon a time I didn't really have to do anything to fit into smaller size clothing, now I need to watch what I eat to an extent and sweat on a regular basis. Neither of which it turns out, do I have a problem with.
Every now and then though my body decides to let me know that I'm not 20 anymore. It chose to do that this weekend, when I picked my munchkin up and went to flip her around. I threw my back out more than throwing my daughter around and have spent the last two days babying it and keeping it warm so as to make the healing process short.
I am sure there was a time that wouldn't have happened. Thing is though it is an inconvenience but that is all. So I won't run this weekend, so I won't get to pound on my newly put up heavy bag. I refuse though to let this little indication of not being so spritely bother me.
When you are actually young, you often think growing old would have to suck. Actually it's pretty good fun. Life is made up of experiences and choices and quite often you are simply better equipped to make better choices when you are older. When you are younger you think nothing much can touch you. When you are older you realise there is a fair chance crap will happen at some point and it's all about how you choose to deal with it.
I love being the age I am. I wouldn't go back to being 21 again for quids, (maybe 30 I would). Truthfully, I actually think I'm a better person now, though there are days I wish to not have the responsibilities of a grown up. Life is fun because I choose to have fun. Life is productive because I choose to make it that way.
Sure there are things I wish I could change, most people probably have something they would like different in their lives, but those things are things I'm still working on. Age can give you a wonderful perspective if you let it.

Tough Mudder

So I am doing this.

Yes I know insane right. 20km mud run with 28 or so insane obstacles along the way.
Thing is exercise has become a largish chunk of my life. I work out several times a week (mostly). Running and I still have a love hate thing going on. I feel good after I do it but I can't get really good times or anything and I think it boils down to the fact I just don't have a runners build. I love the other stuff though, the weights, the cross fit kind of stuff and the boxing. I am fitter than I probably have ever been (except perhaps when I was doing gymnastics).
The benefits of exercise are two fold for me, sure I'm fitter and weigh less than I have in ages but the bigger benefit is the mental one. Maybe saying bigger isn't quite right. See when you look better you feel better, so the weight loss and body toning does have it's own two fold benefit, health wise you are better off and it can affect you mentally as well.
The mental one though is for me, exercise is stress relief. It produces those endorphins that give you that happy feeling. I'm pretty sure it somehow balances any bad chemical things out with good ones. I really don't claim to know how it works but the truth is when I work out I am less stressed and the rest of life then has less chance to get on top of me.

Where I'm Going, Not Forgetting Where I've Been

I had my first army reserves interview this week. It was productive, a little funny and a bit thought provoking.
Let me address those concepts one by one. The productive first I think. I did very well in my general ability/math test, to the point where I can apply for what ever roll I want, the only things that appeared to be off the table were the roles that are available to men only. I took my uni grades not lower high school grades and they wouldn't accept them - said I was over qualified. Also you have to fill out a very comprehensive medical questionnaire. This may be where I have a hiccough. I filled it out honestly which means to the question 'have you ever self harmed?' I answered yes. Of course I was not impressed with the fact self harm was lumped into the same question as suicide,  because I never came close to that and anyone who really knows anything about self harm knows that the two aren't necessarily linked, people who self harm don't always escalate to suicide and those who commit suicide often don't self harm. The nurse said there may be further questions about that. I said fine it's all out there in the open any way, not something I brag about but not something I hide away either. The long and the short is I should hear from my case officer soon and I can progress with my application.
To the funny; well there was the inappropriately popped open button, the trigonometry questions that caused me to giggle (I haven't done those sort of questions in 20 odd years), the fact I was the only female (there was only 3 of us in a group of about 20) over the age of about 20, and the fact the test computer knocked 10 years off my age. Not to mention my interviewer said one of the roles I had written down as being interested in was only available to those who had a degree in journalism, to which I responded with a 'here it is,' and put it on the table in front of him. He also told me I was a little different, well obviously, I'm female and twice the age of most candidates.
This brings us to the thought provoking part of our blog tonight. I had hit my pre-interview goal for physical fitness 45-50 sit ups, 10 push ups and 5.1 on the sprints, (point of note my pb is 5.2). Then I mentioned this to one of the other candidates in the form of saying sprints were my weakness but I was happy because I hit my goal which was police fit. His response was 'well that's not very fit'. Then went on to say the test was only base line fitness, blah, blah, blah. In one fell swoop he disregarded all the effort I had put in to get to that point. Then a 17 year old said it should be easy to do 50 push ups and level 11 on the sprints. Candidate #1 wasn't impressed with the young guys response due to his age. I told them both the suck it up because I was much older than them. Yeah sure it's funny that Candidate #1 got immediate karma but it still bugged me a bit.
It was the total disregard to my effort that pissed me off the most. He made a judgment based on his own paradigm of fitness, he has no concept as to what it is to be an almost 40 year old mother of two, who up until 18 months ago couldn't bring herself to exercise in any way other than the occasional walk to the shop (I figured being on my feet most days for work was enough). Me I now run 4 km's in about half an hour and in two and a half weeks or so that I'd improved my sprints from 2.8 and an 'OMG what the hell do I think I'm doing' to 5.2 sprints and 3 x 400m fartlek laps after. On top of all that I do weights and core training about 5 - 6 nights a week. This is a big thing. Up until about 2 months ago my exercise consisted of three 3km runs a week and even then it was an effort to drag my butt into my training shoes. Running is still not something I really like, I do however like weights, but it's not such a drag.
In two months I have come a huge way, so while these young gym monkeys who have very little life experience will continue to judge me on the me they see now, I need to remind myself that they know so very little. While I pursue this part of my life I should never lose sight of where I came from, it gives perspective and hopefully when I feel down, and yes even judged, I can hold on to the knowledge that I have already come one hell of a long way.

Yet Another Goal

If someone had told me 18 months ago that I would become fitness obsessed I would have probably collapsed laughing in their face. Funny what happens when you get angry enough with someone but aware enough to know you need to find a healthy way to deal with it.

That is why I started running... because I didn't want to take my stress and bad mood out on my family, they didn't deserve it. Various people told me I would love running, it would make me feel so great. Well that never happened. I got to need it, if I didn't go I felt terrible. At least physically it was working for me and definitely filled the title of stress reliever, but it was never something I really enjoyed.

Then we stumbled across this guy who posted get fit clips on youtube and somehow his short little workouts inspired me. Sure they were brutal but manageable at least once I'd done them a few times. Then came to buying of my own weights and I discovered something I really enjoyed. Oh don't get me wrong, the idea of going to a gym does not inspire me. In fact it is something that has rather the opposite effect. Weights though and cardio while I'm watching tv, now that I can do almost every night.

This fitness thing then led me to applying for the reserves, speaking of which I have my first interview next week, so in less than a weeks time I will know if I'm going through to the next round.

It seems though that my fitness focus is not yet over. My very dear friend Jodie came around last night and told me we were going to do this event called Tough Mudder. I was sure she had never mentioned it before, she insisted she had, a fact that in the grand scheme of things is neither her nor there. She described it to me, I looked it up and am now a little obsessed with being able to achieve this massive insane thing.

So it appears as if the power that is, is not yet finished with my fitness overhaul.

An 18-20 km run broken up by a whole heap of military style obstacles. Totally insane and yet here I sit planning out both my military physical training and now beyond to Mudder. It's a good thing Mudder isn't coming my way until next year.

Happy 40th birthday Kylie (yeah I know most girls would treat themselves to clothes, jewellery or accessories). Welcome to my party.