Grasping at Straws

'Hi this is your real estate agent you have 60 days to vacate, bye'.
Well that sux.
We really thought we'd have these 12 months to save so we could just move into a place of our own. It turns out not. Things just aren't that simple in our lives.
I've finally settled into the new job, though there is still so very much to learn, but I''m comfortable enough to do overtime. This was going to kickstart our savings. Now though this is not an option.
So we find ourselves in a kinda nowhere land. Rentals are damn difficult to get and the cost of getting into another rental is so close to what we would have to pay for a mortgage that it would negate our ability to save or severely restrict it. But we are looking. We are also looking at buying, With my new income we have to ability to get a loan but the problem is we only seriously started doing this saving thing since January and banks won't look at us seriously till we've 3 months of proof that we can save, 6 weeks just isn't good enough.
Still we've been looking.
The problem we really have is that we are in a big place, we have certain needs that mean a normal 4 x 1 or 2 won't suit. Believe me we've looked. I will probably have to sacrifice my office but I can live with that. I won't be the first writer to use the kitchen table. And I suppose I can put my books into storage (I'm not sure I am in a place to sell them). We still need a place for hubby to run the business from home and the only places we've seen so far have tiny little spaces that simply won't work.
Then yesterday something happened. God spoke to me. I really felt His presence for the first time in ages. Not that I haven't prayed till yesterday. I pray often but without question I have felt a distance in my faith. I still have no home church but I haven't been willing to walk away from my faith. I believe in God I just don't get along with the church (if you've read my blog you know about my struggles here).
Anyway, yesterday I was just praying for peace about the whole situation, that God would have the right place for us. And I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I felt God saying He was in control and that I needed to dare to dream and to trust Him.
Well we were looking in an area we'd never considered but someone had told us a property was about to go on the market that would be in our price range. It's an area we've thought might not be a bad one to be in before, so that seemed good. Of course the person that told us about it knew nothing about the house yet. So that was a possible we could work with that. Dare to dream.
Then on the way home we received a call from the real estate agent of the house we are currently in saying it had been valued lower than we were expecting and it would totally be within our price range. Stunned is the only word to describe what we felt. Dare to dream. This would make things so much better for us. We wouldn't have to pack and move and shift the girls (they love the school they are in), it even suits our bizarre needs.
Our mortgage broker gave us a plan.
We took it to the agent feeling positive and he said the owner probably wouldn't go for it because he wanted get it all done in a much shorter time that would really work for us.
Crushed. Frustrated. Annoyed. These words are all apt to describe the way I was and am feeling. So much for Dare to Dream. I just have had enough of having things in our grasp and having them ripped away.
So today has been a days of ups (Valentine's Day with my hubby) and downs.
I keep telling myself that the owner hasn't said no yet or that there is something better out there. I keep repeating God is in control, if He wants us to have this house it will happen. I keep hoping for a miracle, one that really doesn't involve having to find a short term rental.  In the meantime trying to figure out the best plan of action is frustrating at best.
PS. If anyone knows of a place like the one in the picture that will fit our budget then please let us know.

And Now For The New Life

I have now started my new life, that is I have started my new job. I now work shift work, 10 days out of 21. I look at my work calendar and still think it looks a little weird. I have to admit working two days on, two off, two on, two off, three on, three off and the like is a little strange. The 12 hour days aren't so bad though.
The biggest thing is trying to remember all the things I'm supposed to. Fortunately most of the people I now work with are really good at helping you through the learning process. Most people you ask will say it takes about two years till you really get the hang of the job. I guess I'll see.
Now I'm working my new roster though two things are supposed to happen, one is I'm supposed to get back into training and the other is I better get back into writing, my books won't write themselves.
On the up side those things are happening, slowly. An added bonus is that I am finally getting around to reading again and that feels so good. Ahhh old friend I have missed you. I have missed being swept away to strange and fun places, having adventures, allowing the impossible to be possible if just for a few hours.
I've started running again, something that somehow became quite difficult to do when I was studying after 8 hours in a classroom then getting home to be with the family it became really difficult to go out and get in the kms. Now I can be home on school days I can run back from the school, it is a good time to run and not that hard to get into the routine of. Of course the big problem is that school holidays are about to start so I'll have to see how I manage with that. I've also been able to do a couple of weights and core sessions. In fact today's session was insane but really good.
I've also managed to get in a little writing, but honestly it will take a bit more juggling to get any sort of routine for that planned out.
The girls seem happier though. I make a big effort to keep things light when I get home. It helps me leave the job at work and helps them feel I'm not abandoning them. Being able to do the school runs sometimes now also seems to make a big difference. Hubby is great as always. He knows this new job is stressful, he knows I will have some really, really bad days, but he's not wrong when he says that I come home happier from this new job than I did in my old one. God willing things will run smooth.
On that front I have to admit to still not going to church. I honestly don't know how most church people will react to my new job, it's not a job most christians would be able to do because you can't be a bleeding heart or judgmental. Having said that I am praying more, trying to understand what God wants of me. Trying to do the right thing. I know there are those who would say I can't do the right thing while I'm not going to church. I will however continue to muddle through my life.

WWJD

What Would Jesus Do?
This became a catchphrase not all that long ago even though the book by the same name is quite a bit older.
Any way I was thinking about this in amongst all my recent contemplations and whilst I had a rather longer post idea in mind I think I want to start here.
My thoughts have come to the conclusion that it is possible we who call ourselves christians can do with a slight paradigm shift, we have fallen into a safety zone with this question. It puts us on some moral high ground and we judge our choices from a superior perspective, not that we have justification to do so.
I think perhaps we would be well served taking from an old oath - First Do No Harm.
Sure this is just my thoughts but I feel this is a pretty valid starting point. We see things from a judgmental point of view, even though we may not see it that way (just ask a non christian what they think of christians). The stereotype is sad but equally sad is the fact stereotypes don't come from nowhere. If we take the judgement out of the equation, take the moral high ground out of the equation we are left with a better foundation on which to build our lives.
First do no harm.
Now I am not claiming to ever have lived by this, let alone well, but it is a new thought in my mind and one I want to adjust to and see where it leads me.
First Do No Harm.

Thank You

So I totally didn't realise that it had been so long since I had written in this blog. I'm still struggling with work, waiting to hear back from the job I applied for (sadly government jobs are popular and the process takes quite a while). I am also still struggling to figure out my faith.
The funny thing is I can go to a sic-fi/fantasy convention and feel right at home (what I wouldn't give to go to San Diego Comic-con- it's totally on my bucket list) yet I walk into church and want to turn right around again. It is so much easier to just sleep in on a sunday morning than get myself ready to go to church. In fact it was easier to get my butt out of bed on a sunday morning to go stand on my feet for 10 hours at previously mentioned convention than to go to church.
The thing is I want my girls to know God, to be given the opportunity to learn about faith.
I just find myself still questioning. I say again, because I already know I've said it before, that it would be easier if I didn't know so much, if I didn't want to question things, if I was willing to accept the boundaries put in front of me. Thing is I've kind of always pushed those boundaries.
I've heard all the arguments about needing to be in a church for your faith to be 'real' and to an extent I agree or at least understand it. My faith was stronger when I was hooked in to a church family but it's been a long time since I had that family feel in a church environment. By family I mean people who understood our wacky lives and sense of humour.
All is not lost though because I have the internet. Now some may think that sentence doesn't really makes sense, so let me explain. Through the wonderful digital world I am able to connect with the amazing Karin from Flickers of A Faithful FireFly and Andrew from Backyard Missionary. These people deserve a shout out for simply accepting my struggling questioning nature and supporting me through it. They come from different parts of the world and have known me in different ways, (one purely digitally) and yet they provide the chain that keeps me connected to that spiritual part of me. This I think is just as valuable as connecting in a building once or twice a week, in fact for someone like me it is even more valuable.
I hope that those of you who are struggling, confused or questioning, have someone like these people in your lives.

Hanging In There

It's been a few weeks since we've been to church. I want my children to learn about faith and have friends who share that but...
Last time we went to church I walked out. In the course of my faith and years at church I've walked out of my share of services. This time it was because the preacher started comparing non-christians to terrorists in between repeats of the statement 'purchase our products after the service'.

I just am now really struggling to find a reason to go back. 

For me the big thing at the moment is separating faith and religion. I find the format of church quite boring. I guess it's a case of not feeling I fit in for so long that I can't be bothered. I know who I am, I know what my skills are, what my interests are, I don't want to do church drama because often it is badly written and well, lets just leave it at that. I don't particularly want hubby in a music team because then there is music team commitments and sundays are a total write off (especially as we go to a church that has two morning services). 

The other thing is so many of our friends that we met through church or associated events are also no longer interested in the sunday ritual. So the question is then, what is going on? What has driven so many creative people away from the church? Is it that in many ways the church doesn't value the creative? Sure the mega churches can pay their music leaders or those in creative ministries but most of the team members are volunteers. There is just one problem with volunteering, you get little to no say in what you will be doing and it's so very hard to get time away from it. The creative pursuits may be your gifting, your passion but you are expected to do it all for nothing and give up a chunk of your time.

Of course the flip side of that is if you love something you give your time up for it anyway, paid or not. I've done plenty of plays for no reason other than the love of it. So why do I do that but reject the idea of joining a church drama team? A lot of it is for the reason I mentioned earlier, I find church sketches to be badly written. That aside, I'm not interested, even a little bit, in 3 minute sketches, as an actor they don't challenge me, I get nothing from doing them, except the feeling that I am wasting my time. Also you really don't get a choice, someone else picks the piece and unless you have loads of willing performers you don't get the option to say no, you are either in the team or not. When I audition for something it's because I want to do the show - I choose what I audition for. The other thing is actors accept my oddness, my sense of humour, my questioning nature and my some what out there personality, I fit in there. With church I feel the need to reel myself in, to curb my questioning, my humour. 

Then there are those who stand under the banner of christianity and spew hate and judgement and for me at the moment that is perhaps the big thing I struggle with. I know I've talked about his things before. I know there are times I think it would be easier if I didn't know so much, didn't read so much, didn't question so much. The way I figure it though is that this is the way I was created so there must be a purpose for it. It may be that I am not the only one who struggles. I'm not the only one who walks the line between wanting to believe and hating so much of what religion stands for.

Through all this though I am blessed to have people of faith whom I admire and who speak into my life, they don't judge me for my questions, they keep me hanging on to that thin thread of faith and even help me reweave strands back into it so I can hang in there a bit longer.

Slow But Steady

Life is marching on. My body is making it a little hard to train at the moment, I have a hideous cough that had pretty much laid me out for the last week. Part of me really misses the training, I've tried a couple of sessions (weights) but no running, it hasn't been easy or had the desired effect. I live in hope that this cough has to go away soon.
My writing is also going along slow and steady. I've even had a break through there, which is always a good thing.
There are things that have bothered me this week but that is to be expected. One, I'm reading about private contractors and the War on Terror. One of the things that disturbs me most is the things some of these people are doing in the name of christianity. The more I read the more I wonder about being a christian. I believe in God but sometimes it's really difficult to want to stand up and be identified with others who claim to be christians. These contractors, politicians and agents aren't the only ones who cause this feeling.
I am getting a little fed up with requests to sign petitions against gay marriage. There I've said it. I quite frankly don't care who you love. I cannot see how allowing same sex marriage will destroy the institution of marriage, seriously when was the last time some of these people looked at the divorce rate. Also not sure how it will destroy family either. I live in an area with high de facto, high divorce, high teenage pregnancy and high 'children from different parents' rates. I'd say family is pretty messed up already.
Okay that's all I am going to say on the matter. I'm not going to rant. I'm not going to get worked up. I am just going to slowly and steadily go on about my way, while trying to figure out how to keep my faith out of the way of religion.

Resolutions

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I kind of don't see the point. I like the intention but the idea of forming them the way people do, as often unattainable challenges for the year, well I don't see the point. However I do find the change of year a good time to evaluate life. Where it's going, what I'm doing and am I any closer to achieving what I want out of it.
The last few years I've really felt that THIS year is the year things are going to change for us and we will get our breakthrough. Needless to say we are still here and there hasn't been anything I would consider to be a breakthrough. Survival yes, breakthrough, not so much. So I've decided not to seek out a breakthrough this year. In fact I'm going to do my best to ignore the thought all together. Now that I've voiced it though it may not be so easy.
In the past I've decided I'm going to be more organised, somehow it never really lasts. This year I've just started being more organised. I write down certain things I need to do and make sure I do them. I know simple really isn't it. Always is when I start and I always start with the best intentions. I've managed it for two weeks so far.
The other thing is I think I need a career change. I know I want one. The way I'm thinking of going  isn't a place I've thought of going before and if it wasn't for a chance encounter then I never would have considered it. Now I've done more than consider it, I've researched it and when the applications open I'm going for it. I still want to be a writer and act but I really want something that will challenge me and do more than put the food on the table. A house would be nice too. The thing with decisions like this is they often require great change. They require the willingness to leap out into the great unknown and take a chance.
A bit like faith in a way. We all know I struggle with that. I feel that many times I've flung myself out there and only just survived by the tips of my fingers. This year though seems like it may be a year of guts, courage and the ability to shut your eyes and say 'to hell with it'. My thoughts at this point are 'I hope you are in this God but I'm not waiting for you to say yay or nay, I'm flinging myself at this door anyway. If it's nay it'll hurt when I slam into the door but at least I will have tried.'
This year may not be a year of failed resolutions or breakthrough, but I hope at least to look back on it in 12 months and know it was the year I did my best.

A Question

So it's another saturday night and I've been watching Tim Minchin. I think he is a very clever man. Thing is though he is quite clearly an atheist and has been very vocal in his opinion about christians. So this brings me to a question - is it wrong that I enjoy listening to/watching Tim Minchin's performances?'
Without a question I know there will be those who don't approve.
I also find him thought provoking.
I think listening to people like this really is thought provoking. Comedians either connect with you or they don't. However they are in many ways a good mirror for society. They let you know what many people are thinking or feeling.
His songs like Context are funny and so much more. Whether he actually wants to provoke thought or just entertain I don't know, and to be honest I don't much care.
The bible says for Christians to be the light of the world but sometimes we should take a step back maybe and see what sort of light it is we are shining on the world.
Oh I am fully aware that I am not what many people would consider to be a good christian, in fact luke warm is a phrase that springs to mind. The thing is I do believe in God, I don't think he is a 2011 year old zombie, I believe some things simply transcend our understanding. My problems lie more with the things people have done and continue to do in the name of religion.
Actually this, strangely brings to mind a scene from a popular children's book...
'Dad,' I said. 'When I was in the maze, I met  Antaeus. He said...well, he said he was your favourite son. He decorated his arena with skulls and '
'He dedicated them to me.' Poseidon supplied. 'And you are wondering how someone could do something so horrible in my name.'
I nodded uncomfortably.
Poseidon put his weathered hand on my shoulder. 'Percy, lesser beings do many horrible things in the name of the gods. That does not mean we approve. The way our sons and daughters act in our names...well, it usually says more about them than it does about us...'
From Percy Jackson and the Battle of the Labyrinth - Rick Riordan
Which illustrates the point I am trying to make perfectly. How much of what christians have done and continue to do really is a better reflection of who they are and what they are afraid of, than what God really intended?
It is easy to see I struggle with my faith, not so much the inward manifestation of it rather the outward manifestation. I believe there is a God, I believe Christ came, died and rose again. I believe there are angels and demons and I believe people have done more damage in the name of their god (whomever they believe that to be) than pretty much anything else.
I don't preach and yes I often get embarrassed when I see people doing so on the street. I will talk about my faith, I will tell you why I believe and it is more than just because of my mother's influence. I believe because I have experienced. Yes I was perhaps more open to the experience than others might be. I have felt the peaceful presence in an emotional storm. I have felt the utter certainty that things will happen and it will be more than it seems on the surface.
I understand the confusion though and why people struggle to believe. When there are wars, and criminals doing so many stupid & violent things, when there is disease and homelessness, sex crimes and slavery. It is so easy to see why people question, yet many people of my faith seem not to understand. They instead get on a soap box and say that certain things are wrong and the world is going to hell in a hand basket.
Well duh!
That in fact is the problem with free will. We are free to choose and not everyone will chose for someone other than themselves.
The problem with faith isn't really the faith it is the people involved who corrupt faith and therefore how it appears to others.
One thing I do know though is that the God I know has one heck of a sense of humour. If he didn't he wouldn't have used the calendar I posed naked for (to raise money for research ovarian cancer) to get a friend who hasn't spoken to me in ages, who cut me out of her life for some reason, to message me. I kid you not and I think that is funny even if you don't.
So Tim Minchin makes me think and makes me laugh. He's talking about guilty pleasures at the moment and I guess in some way that is really appropriate.

What To Say?

These last couple of weeks have been a little frantic. That is to say I have been really, really busy. Mostly it's because I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, for those who don't know that means writing 50 000 words of a story in 30 days.
In amongst all this I have work, family, a father in law in hospital with only 30% of his heart working, my mother in law living with us for the interim, plus all the other things I usually do.
Added to all this, probably not surprisingly I am feeling a little stressed.
When this happens there are certain things I really feel the want to rant and rail against things. Right now yes I'm frustrated with how things are but more than anything I want to rant about these polls on facebook about gay marriage. I am getting inundated with people I know answering this poll with - no gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. And you know what? I want to scream at them saying why not! Seriously have any of them really looked around at the relationships on display in our society. So many unmarried people with loads of kids. So many divorces. So much anger, disappointment. Should not everyone be allowed to choose who they spend their lives with. I know some gay and lesbian couples who have been together longer than some hetero relationships.
Marriage used to mean something. But then religious people only look at the parts of the bible they want to look at when it comes to these things. And I will admit right now there are probably a heap of references in the bible I've missed but here's just a couple of things to think on.
*Divorce rate among christians is basically the same as non christians
*Solomon had hundreds of wives
*Yes Sodom and Gomorrah were bad but they were bad for a whole bunch of reasons not just one
Surely we are able to realise that sometimes things change in societies and these changes aren't always bad. I wouldn't want to be part of a society were women had as few rights as they did in bible times. I know too many stories of 'good' hetero couples treating their kids and partners badly. Also seriously as much as I'd hate to even use this next word in any blog post I'm going to - Kardashian. I don't know which one but heck her wedding came in at around $10million and the marriage lasted 72 days - this is what we are trying to protect? Really open your eyes have a look around, I don't think same sex couples are going to ruin the institution of marriage, I just don't think it's in that good a place.
I'm very fortunate to have found the right man for me, but I have friends who have been treated nothing but badly by men and truly believe they have found the right woman for them. And I nearly screwed that friendship because I said I still loved her but didn't necessarily like her choice. You know what...it's not my damn choice. She deserves happiness as much as I do and her partner makes her happy. No they won't procreate together but heck a lot of couples are choosing not to and a lot of unmarrieds are having many, even to different partners.
I really think this, as an issue, is probably a pretty unimportant one in the scheme of things.

Hmmm...

Life has been busy.
I'd prefer it wasn't work busy, then again it's not exactly busy at work, it's just work - a way to waste 6 hours a day.
Last week though I mixed things up a little - I didn't have lunch rather I fasted that meal. Now fasting one meal a day may not mean much but here's what that added up to - 3 extra hours of prayer time and in a life where prayer time is well, just when ever, then I figure it's not a bad thing.
To be honest I only fasted because God dropped into my mind to do so and I didn't know what to expect from it. I have to say though it was a good experience, I was a little calmer and even though I was and am still frustrated about lack of certain things moving forward I do at the moment feel more hopeful for the future. And that can't be a bad thing.

Dear God

Dear God,
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen

If Just One Person's Life...

I've been doing a bit of thinking recently, actually I usually do quite a bit of thinking. Anyway, I was speaking to someone recently who said that she was glad we accepted her at a time she had a few problems, even though as christians we probably shouldn't have. My response was to shrug and say I wasn't much of one for following rules. It didn't make sense to her that someone from my background would be willing to accept someone from her background.

So this is what got me thinking. I never really was concerned about whether I should or shouldn't be friends with this person. I knew I didn't agree with a lot of what she did but so, I was prepared to open up a little and so was she (the crossover for us was our children's friendship). It occurred to me while I was running today, and praying, that if my life can open up new possibilities to just one person then maybe things I've gone through aren't just a pain in my butt and a frustrating waste of time. Now this person isn't about to start going to church, and even I have trouble doing that, but she doesn't only think negative things about my kind of faith. Surely this is preaching by living.

Believe me when I say I don't use that phrase lightly, I do understand the weight behind it, I just wonder if the weight we've given it is the wrong sort. My thoughts on that concept have usually veered towards the idea that people will be attracted to the goodness and shining example of God that 'should' be in any good christian's life. Maybe the focus should instead be on living in a way that you can meet people where they are. Maybe allowing them to see the struggles and problems is just as important. Life for most people isn't smooth. For a lot it is a struggle in many different ways and sometimes I think as Christians we hide behind the idea that 'God will fix it' so we shouldn't tell others about it and shouldn't complain. This though is a facade we hide behind and it's very possible it is doing more damage than good.

I know this is kind of an unformed idea but for a very long time I have been hung up on this idea that to be a Christian I need to be the kind of people others (church goers) expect me to be and I have a lot of trouble being that person. However the type of person I am has opened up my friends heart and that can't be a bad thing.

The End is Closing In

We finally got our final store closing notification this week.

It has been a mix of good and bad days recently. Some people are really nice about it, understanding even, others however are rude and obnoxious. When I couldn't tell a person if we had a particular book she retorted that 'it was no wonder we were closing'. I tried explaining that our systems were no longer accurate but well people just don't understand. They don't care to understand.

The other thing is I am finding it somewhat difficult to get motivated to apply for other jobs. I have managed to do so though. A couple of interesting possibilities so I guess we'll see what happens.

There has also been a lot of prayer but to be honest it has felt one directional. I don't feel abandoned by God and I feel stressed that I don't feel stressed. I know that sounds silly but it's how I feel. It's as if I should be more worried about the future yet I can't be. It takes me back to that verse 'who can add a day to their lives by worrying', or words to that effect.

I feel it will all work out I just don't know how and I'd really like it not to go down to the wire. Especially with lease renewal coming up and rent increasing.

Sometimes it's nice to day dream about what I would really like to happen and that includes having a house of our own and the money to study the courses we would like to.

I'm happy to keep working, though who wouldn't like to have the money to just write and make films and music (fill in your own great fantasy here).

Stayed tuned to this station.

Ends and Beginnings

This has been a tough week.

It's no secret that I struggle with church, but we have started going fairly regularly, the girls finally have found a place they feel comfortable and I enjoy a place that teaches things I haven't heard seventeen times before. So I find it a little annoying or frustrating that an opportunity for hubby has gone south (though there was peace that came with that decision along with the frustration that we don't know when or if another door with that potential will open again). On top of that, my work finally announced this week that it is over, it's doors will be closing. Not unexpected but sad none the less.

With sadness comes uncertainty. They haven't told us when we will be closing, they've announced in a press release the definite final day but if we sell through our stock before then, then we close earlier. We have been told very little. I'm hoping on a proper redundancy but that doesn't seem very likely.

In all this uncertainty I've been trying to be positive and view it as an opportunity. To hold on to God, even push in closer. It would be nice to have more time at home to write, but I'm really going to miss my books. I found a job I was really good at and now it's no longer there. I have to trust. I've been repeating like some sort of mantra, 'I trust you with my family God'. At the moment it's all I really have the strength to do.

I know this is an opportunity but that doesn't mean I can't be sad for what I'm losing.

Hoping things will be more positive next week.

Thankfulness and Hard Times

This week has been intense for me for various reasons. In fact the last few weeks have been tough. Rejection (a constant in two areas I'm passionately pursuing) has been there, as well as struggling with the play I was rehearsing (we opened last night), and the looming surgery for my baby, as well as a bunch of junk going on with work.

The biggest thing without question has been the surgery. My daughter has been waiting for it for 18 months - they messed up at the hospital which set us back twelve months. Sure the surgery is pretty standard but there is always a risk with any surgery. It was hard walking out of the surgery once she had been put under but that was nothing compared to seeing her post-op with blood around her mouth and ear. She looked so tiny, so fragile. I was hopeful but still in the back of my mind I was worried, I guess most if not all parents would be. Any way she seemed to cope well and she definitely had more sleep that night than I did, I have no idea how anyone sleeps in a hospital.

Fortunately the next morning the Dr took one look at her overnight obs and said she could go straight home when she was ready. Awesome news and a great start to her recovery. She is doing so well that apart from a bit extra tiredness you would never know she had had an operation a few days ago.

So with her recovery looking alright and me sitting in a semi-dark hospital room watching tv on my computer something came and reminded me how fortunate I was and how thankful I was to God for how Miss 3 came through her op. A little girl was bought into the ward. She was tiny and her mother almost hysterical. Probably past it only due to exhaustion. She didn't even look 2 and had had to have her appendix out in an emergency op. The mother had previously been told not to worry because her daughter would be fine, it couldn't possibly be her appendix because she was too young. Of course that was a misdiagnosis and I'm sure if I had been in her shoes I probably would have been at least that stressed if not more so. In that moment I just had to pray in thankfulness that we had finally had our surgery, that it didn't get to the point of emergency and that even in those moments when delay and even the initial diagnosis had me wondering if God was even looking out for my girls, he obviously was. It also reminded me that there are people who always have it harder and they need our prayers even more than we need to pray for ourselves.

See God sees a picture I don't and sometimes it is very hard to remember that. When everything seems to be coming apart at the seams I try to hold on and pray and believe. Even then it feels pointless sometimes, that I'm barely holding on by my fingertips. Now though seeing things from the other side of the op, I feel more relaxed and thankful and somehow in amongst everything else I found my character and when I got on stage last night I nailed it. This reminds me that sometimes prayer feels a little ineffective, a bit like going through the motions but even in those times God knows our hearts and He hears, He just answers in His own way and on a very few occasions we are lucky enough to see the why later.

Decisions, Decisions

Last week we went to church. We haven't been very regular about going for a while now, but we think me may have found somewhere we can be okay with. And yes okay is a deliberate word choice. I'm not looking for somewhere I will be happy or content or feel at home. Sad but true. There is too much water under that bridge. I am okay with the fact that the messages we've heard has quite a lot of biblical content and they aren't the same messages I have heard a hundred times. I'm okay with the fact it is close to home. And I'm hoping people won't expect us to fit in with their programmes only to be put out when we don't.

It all boils down to the fact I can still believe in God (even though I struggle with the form my faith takes a lot) but my girls are young and don't have the grounding I do, I want them to be informed, I want them to know the love of God and the friendships that are possible when you share a faith. I don't want them to not have that because I really struggle with the way the church has seemed to developed.

Yes I know I'm cynical. I know I can be abrasive - I've been told often enough. I know I don't play well with others. I like my space and I don't like being boxed into certain categories. Part of me wishes it wasn't that way. Part of me longs for the times when I felt really close to God. I have the feeling though that that trip will be a fair way back. So meanwhile I have decided to take baby steps. To once again say to God I love you please show me the way and what you want me to do. I can't promise that I will be able to go that way. At least not at first and I must confess to hoping the foundational things that I believe God placed in my life will stay solid and the focus for the future.

I can tell you one thing though I think I'm done with acting for a while. Not for faith reasons. Just because. One rejection too many for the moment and to be perfectly honest I'm really wishing I had more time to devote to my writing. My on-line life is booming as I try to manage three blogs, reading books to review, my social networking obsession and I really need more time to write my stuff.

The other thing I need to do is try and spend more time with my kids. With so much going on and having to go to work the girls are starting to ask if I will spend time with them. It's not that I don't love them, just that I have so many things I'm doing. Today I told them we would have a girls date night - a movie after dinner and I would make popcorn. I told them that early in the day so I would stick to it. If I just think these things I have a tendency to get sidetracked into other things. My girls are so patient with me. I am so blessed to have kids that play fairly well together and understand my drive to write. I love them and I need to make sure I show them so not just tell them so. I think sometimes I fall into the trap that if I say 'I love you' than that's enough. Quite obviously when they are asking me to play fairies with them, or whatever their game of the moment happens to be, then I'm missing the mark with making them feel loved. Actions sometimes really do speak louder than words.

I guess next week will be interesting, not that I'm sure my life can handle much more interesting.

Chaos and Madness

This week has been a really busy one for me, I started my own kids book website TheKylieVerse.com

This has kept me incredibly busy as I wanted to update it quite a lot in its first few weeks so it doesn't look too sparse.

Work has been interesting, finally we started to get new stock in which is a good thing, though I heard today through a source in council that the store will stay but it will get smaller. I don't really know what's going on but as I saw official looking guys discussing things about the site yesterday (they appeared to be in store secretly) it does ring possible.

I'm feeling a little shaky on a couple of footings at the moment. One the website, I want it to achieve a couple of things and not just be a colossal waste of time. Two hubby's band, it looks like it could go places but one of the guys is looking like he could stuff it up. It bothers me because my hubby has put a lot into it, and he's not the only one. I hope it sorts itself out. I pray and hope it sorts itself out. I try not to think too much on it but you know how it is when you try not to think of something.

Anyway my faith is still a bit wobbly. I am trying; to talk to God and to believe. I want to believe that my dreams can come true. I want to believe that what is in my heart is there for a reason. And with all that is going on in the world at the moment I have to remind myself that really my concerns aren't all that big a deal.

God please be with those in Japan, those in Christchurch and me. Help me to hold on to what I know is true and that is that you love me, you created me and you have a purpose for me, even though I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean.

On a side note I am on two weeks holiday so I may not be here for the next two saturdays I will have to see how it goes. But I will be back.

Another Rough Week

This week has been as rough as last week but for a totally different reason. Miss 3 has been sick. A high temperature, vomiting kind of sick. For 3 nights I had broken sleep due to the need to change sheets. With everything else that has been going on I have felt very picked on - that it's all very unfair.

I prayed and prayed and prayed that she would be fine and then her temperature would soar again and I would be cleaning up more vomit.

In that respect my faith took a bit of a hammering. My girl hadn't done anything to deserve being this sick and surely will all the messing around we've had to go through for what is considered a fairly routine operation she could surely be cut a break. It's totally not fair and I was feeling that I couldn't catch a break either. To be honest I feel in some way abandoned. Many have been healed, Christ even raised some from the dead. Why then could my baby not be healed of her fever?

I've tried and I've prayed and my faith feels a little shakier this week.

I want to believe. I want to hold on. But sometimes it's hard when you see others around you seem to have every little thing go right for them. They ask for healing and get it. They ask for __________ (fill in the gap) and they get it. Then they get to enjoy big holidays and job promotions, or even have people throw money at them so they can pursue their dreams.

Me I struggle. I want to believe. I have believed so much that God wanted us to do a certain thing that I have put my money on the line. yet we were never blessed like that.

In these moments it serves me well to remember those who are missing their children through no fault of their own; or those who have lost everything in fires, floods or quakes. No I'm not where I want to be and yes to be honest I'm pissed off that we still haven't achieved what we believe we are meant to do. But I do have a loving family, with a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on our table. So that puts me in a pretty okay place.

Resolutions?

I don't make new years resolutions. Mostly because they seem so cliched, so trite, something you can say you want to aim for but it doesn't matter if you don't make it because it was just a NY resolution.

However it is the time of year to sit down and evaluate what I want out of the coming year. Some things haven't changed from last year: I still want to get published and I still want to act. I do want to make a bit more of an effort in regards to my faith this year. Last year was a bit of a tough one. Quite a few ups and downs, can't say I'm sad to see the end of it but I also can't say it was any worse than other years I've lived through.

I want to strengthen my faith, I'm just not sure I'm really ready to step back into church, however I do think my kids need me to and I think hubby needs to if he wants to get the worship album he's working on finished.

Sometimes it's just not all about you, or me as the case might be. Sometimes the motivation I think comes once you make a decision to do something. From where I'm standing at the moment I hope this is the case because right now the thought of having to make new friends and explain myself and my sometimes unconventional lifestyle to others seems draining and I'm not even doing it yet just thinking about it.

I have been praying more but I still don't feel as connected in as I once did. I feel I have to try but at the same time there is a part of me that struggles to believe it will make any difference. However I will keep plodding along in the hope that feelings and faith will catchup with my actions.

A Little Brighter

I want to thank those who offer their encouragement and support, you know who you are and I am incredibly grateful that you are in my life.

I still wish I didn't have to fight so hard for what I want, but now I am refreshed a little and able to face it with at least a bit of a smile on my face. Though with the weather heating up I'm not so sure my smiling will last if I keep up my running.

I am content to say I believe and yet I struggle. This in no way makes me unique I know this I also know that sometimes its hard to see a way out when you feel so stuck in the darkness. It just takes a little while sometimes to realise that the darkness isn't complete and doesn't mean I'm swamped in evil. Just a little down.

This week has been something I really needed, a week off work. It's no secret that work and I aren't on the best of terms at the moment and to be honest this has been a great week one I wish I could continue in. I know everyone feels that way after time off. It's not so much that I long to stay home and game or do nothing, rather that I wish I could stay home and write. More than anything I know in my heart that this is my passion and what I am meant to do. So I will persevere. I'm pretty good at that, and trust in the knowledge that one day...

Till then I will believe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.