#AlwaysKeepFighting

I could have sworn I'd posted more recently here. Clearly not. I must have been imagining things. Well it wouldn't be the first time.
This year has already been so busy. Work, kids growing older, writing, fitness, family, friends. Life really.
I'd like to say it has all been awesome, after all the crap that happened last year. But it hasn't. And you know what, that is life. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Life can be wonderful, or terrible. The trick is to embrace both and get hung up on neither.
See the terrible can open doors to realisations - a friendship that needs more time because it is limited, a person you need to walk away from because you simply don't need that much toxic in your life.
The wonderful can give you hope - that dreams can come true, that you're not too old, or too anything else, to do what you want.
They balance each other out. If you focus too heavily on the bad you struggle to see the good and if you float too much on the great then when the bad happens the crash is so much harder to recover from.

Today is not a great day for me, I feel down, a bit frustrated and to be honest a little depressed. For no real reason I might add. Depression can be like that. My head can be a rather fucked up place to be. Part of me wants to do nothing but curl up in bed and sleep, or maybe read. I don't want to deal with the kids, I don't want to talk to hubby. I just want to hide myself away from it all.
But I won't. I'm lucky, my depression is mild in the grand scheme of things, and I've been living with it for so long I have a pretty decent handle on how to deal with it: I throw myself into writing; I make sure I push aside the grump and hug my kids, embrace something awesome about them and smile with them; I apologise for my crappy mood to my hubby, who blessedly understands and knows how to hold me steady; and yes I read, immerse myself in someone else's world for a while; I even make myself exercise.
In other words I try to do things that are normal for me. I try to smile, not the fake 'everything is alright' bullshit smile but a real, right down inside kind of smile.
Sometimes these bouts of depression last days, sometimes only hours. I'm lucky. Like I said my experience is only mild. Others don't have it so lucky. For others the suffocating grey encroaches their day or night, it pulls them downwards and inwards to the point they just can't be bothered with anything. Telling them to buck up isn't the answer. Allowing them to talk can help. Just sitting with them can do wonders. Don't try to fix them. If you can get them help great. For some that comes in the form of medication or counselling, if that could be the answer encourage them. Mostly I think it is important for them to not feel alone. Allow them to be real about their feelings. If they feel like crap that's not wrong, it just is. Hold them and love them through it.
This world we live in can be hard. So many put so much of themselves out there that the rest of us  wonder what the hell we are doing wrong. My life isn't as together as such and such's. My butt isn't as perfect as hers. He just posted a pic of his ripped abs, well I can't do that. She always has such good days and great luck. I'll never get the opportunities he gets. Why should I bother when I can't compete with that. Their kids are so well behaved. My kid is so moody yet hers is just perfect - what am I doing wrong?

You know what, STOP!
I mean it. Stop trying to compare yourself to others. I reckon if people were to social media truthfully the picture would be very different. We would then realise most people don't have it all together. We only pick and choose the good bits to share. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people should air their dirty laundry on line. I think we do it because we want to see which side of the argument or whatever is more popular. We need to stop oversharing and stop thinking all the positive means everyone but us has it all together.
See social media is like that old chestnut 'how are you?' People who ask that mostly don't want to know. They want you to say 'great how are you?' It is pointless small talk and not meant for truth. I went through a phase where I would ignore that question or say, 'I don't know you so I don't feel I have to answer that', or something similar. It was funny, someone got really upset with me one day for not answering that question, they didn't know how to cope when I didn't play their game.
But I digress. Don't base your happiness around what people post. They may be feeling terrible but doing everything they can to protect some image they believe they have. Unless you really know someone, you don't know them. Most of us have no idea how much our acquaintances struggle everyday. There are certainly enough things to struggle with - perceptions, popularity, protecting our image, weight, beauty… the list goes on.
Just be you. If you feel down today find someone to talk to, or just to hug you. If you don't know anyone find a group, if you don't want to do that, message me. The grey and cold don't last, they don't have to last. You don't need to go it alone. Picking yourself up isn't always easy but you can do it. Look for that hand that is their just waiting for you to grab and grab it. Have someone's back or let someone have yours.
#AlwaysKeepFighting

Reflections

It seems that more and more people are publicly reflecting on their year, that's what being on line does I suppose. So many are saying what a terrible year they had in 2013 and how they hope 2014 will be great.

How about we don't just hope. How about we make necessary changes and make 2014 better. Let's not rely on external factors to dictate our year.
Like most people I had a mixed year. Sad moments when goodbyes were said; great moments like completing Tough Mudder; frustrating ones like when the house loan fell through; peaceful moments; joyous ones; annoying ones; amusing ones and yes even enlightening ones. I choose though not to focus on the negative.
See it is so easy to do just that.
We find no difficulty in looking back over an arbitrary time like 12 months and seeing only the dross. We see the bigger things but ignore the smaller ones. Look closer at those though for I'm pretty sure it is those smaller things that got you through. It is the things that you can easily take for granted; friends, family, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and food in your mouth, that we often ignore.

My family get me through every day of a job that I strangely like but many wouldn't want to have to do. I come home to them and the crap of the day doesn't matter. My family stand by my side and accept all my silliness, all my strangeness, all the unusual tendencies that go along with being a creative person. My friends encourage me, they support me, they push me and accept me. Without friends I would never have done something as ridiculous as the 20 obstacle race known as Tough Mudder, I wouldn't already be signed up for 2014 or for a different one as well.
I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, so I am fortunate to enjoy my job, mostly but it doesn't make me rich. What it does do though is feed and clothe my family, it also means I can buy them certain luxuries, things like movies, games, holidays. I still don't have my own house yet and sure that sometimes bugs me but there is no point stressing over that when there is so much else that is good in my life.
I would say to you as you reflect on the past with your eyes turned to the future, don't forget to see the little things. Did your kids come home safe from school having learnt something? That is a good thing. Did little Miss 6 start acting a certain way that no matter how much you know you shouldn't laugh you can't help yourself? That's a good thing. Did master 5 loose a tooth and get all excited that the Tooth Fairy swapped it out for money? That is a good thing. Did things not go according to plan? Open your eyes a little and allow for some time, then look at it again and maybe you will find that really it was a good thing.
And no not everything is good, some things really are crap, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to be crap. The year my mother died, I gained a daughter and a nephew. I've lost jobs before and been kicked out of houses, neither of which were pleasant experiences but they didn't make the rest of my life crap. I've lost friends and had my heart broken, I've been so confused and depressed that I cut myself. I've been rejected, teased, bullied and these things all hurt but I still had people around who loved me, I still had hope and potential.

Am I where I wish I was? No not really. Am I okay with that? Definitely. I am still on my life journey, there is still a long way to go. I have goals sure but no resolutions. I will make choices on a daily basis and that will dictate how my year goes regardless of what crap life may choose to throw at me. They say don't sweat the small stuff (and it's all small stuff) but maybe we should sometimes remember to look at that small stuff and realise just how fortunate we might be.

Right now though as the clock ticks over to the new year I am sitting at my computer, with a glass of wine, some chocolate, doing one of the things I love - writing. That for me is not a bad thing.
Here is to an awesome year to come filled to the brim with things that make you happy, choose to be happy.

My Life Is Richer For My Friends

I turned 40 a few months ago and because I was so busy I was unable to have my party till the weekend just gone. It was awesome.
It wasn't a big affair. It wasn't a fancy affair. It was a backyard barbecue with friends. I know people throw parties and invite dozens of people. They ask them to BYO all sorts apparently (though some don't). They get stressed about catering for everyone and probably can't get around to talking properly to everyone they invited.
Me I over cater. I always over eater. That's fine though because it means I have enough food to last for the rest of the week. My kids think it's great coz there is so much cool drink and junk food left in the house they will be on a sugar high for two weeks. I like to provide for those I invite, it makes me happy.
The best thing, the very best thing about my party was the chance to catch up with some of the most awesome friends ever. True friends are those you may not get to see very often but there will always be a connection. They are the people who will be there when you really need them. They will even dress up in silly 80's costumes just because I asked them too.

My friends are the best.
I am blessed to have such awesome people in my life.
These are people who stand by you when it goes to shit. They are people who will go out of their way to make sure you are okay if something terrible happens (like your mum gets sick). They are the people who stand by you when you need to vent. Or you loose a job, or you are just having an unsettled time being a parent.
True friends are the ones who accept you for your good points, your bad ones and your quirky tendencies. They will do things they may not be real comfortable doing because you ask them too. True friends make you laugh, understand when you need to cry and are there when you need to throw something.
Friends also do something else. They make you better. I suppose they can make you worse if you pick bad ones, but mine don't fit into that category. My friends push me to keep going. They inspire me, they encourage me. They give me a kick when I need it. My interactions with them have impacted on my life and I really think they help me to be better.

I am truly blessed with my friends and I wouldn't change what I had for all the big arse, expensive, fancy parties, with loaded gift tables, for anything, because I know without a question what I have is of far more worth than anything you can buy anywhere for any price.
One of them said the most amazing thing to me, she said even though she hadn't felt like coming she had to because it was me and she would always do that for me. (I know she spent ages in costume places because of me, even though she'd have rather done just about anything else except go back to her old job, and that is pretty damn special.)
To my friends and you know who you are, my life is so much richer just because you guys are in it. Thank you.

Friendship

Friends are really important. I don't have that many of them and that doesn't bother me because the ones I have are great.
I'm thinking on this at the moment because I wrote a poem for a friend this week. It is the first poem I have written in a very long time. This friend is only someone new in my life, she was going to be someone I was going to work with and I was really looking forward to it. This new career path is one where you form close friendships, you have to because it's not the sort of job you can share much of with others. Anyway the point is she has just been diagnosed with that terrible bitch of an illness cancer in this case stomach cancer. I know this one is one of the more nasty ones but still I had hoped they caught it early enough. She had surgery last week and goes in for chemo this week. the diagnosis obviously was worse than we hoped. Now though in respect to her wishes we are trying to give her the space she needs but I couldn't help myself. I sat in class unable to focus on anything much, so I did what comes naturally to me. I picked up my pen and I wrote.
Emotions effect us all differently and I know I am a very emotional person. It seems so unfair that this friend could be taken from me so soon and I feel so much for her family, partner and friends. It makes sense to me though that they have requested not to be contacted, I get how frustrating it can be dealing with the 'how are you today?' questions. I hope and pray I get more time with her she is a woman of value, she helped many of us in the course while she was with us and we miss her very much. Friendship is a funny thing. Some people seem to have many friends and I have at times in my life bemoaned my lack of socialising, however I am incredibly grateful for the friends I have. there are times we need to remember it's all about the quality not the quantity and the friends I have are quality ones.
For all the fear of this disease and possible loss of a friendship that never really had the chance to develop I wouldn't change the fact that I have gotten to know her a little, I can only hope and pray I get to know her for a bit longer.
Value those people in your life who know you for who you are and love you anyway, friends chose to be in your life and they are worth their weight in gold, or something else of more value than gold.

Thank You

So I totally didn't realise that it had been so long since I had written in this blog. I'm still struggling with work, waiting to hear back from the job I applied for (sadly government jobs are popular and the process takes quite a while). I am also still struggling to figure out my faith.
The funny thing is I can go to a sic-fi/fantasy convention and feel right at home (what I wouldn't give to go to San Diego Comic-con- it's totally on my bucket list) yet I walk into church and want to turn right around again. It is so much easier to just sleep in on a sunday morning than get myself ready to go to church. In fact it was easier to get my butt out of bed on a sunday morning to go stand on my feet for 10 hours at previously mentioned convention than to go to church.
The thing is I want my girls to know God, to be given the opportunity to learn about faith.
I just find myself still questioning. I say again, because I already know I've said it before, that it would be easier if I didn't know so much, if I didn't want to question things, if I was willing to accept the boundaries put in front of me. Thing is I've kind of always pushed those boundaries.
I've heard all the arguments about needing to be in a church for your faith to be 'real' and to an extent I agree or at least understand it. My faith was stronger when I was hooked in to a church family but it's been a long time since I had that family feel in a church environment. By family I mean people who understood our wacky lives and sense of humour.
All is not lost though because I have the internet. Now some may think that sentence doesn't really makes sense, so let me explain. Through the wonderful digital world I am able to connect with the amazing Karin from Flickers of A Faithful FireFly and Andrew from Backyard Missionary. These people deserve a shout out for simply accepting my struggling questioning nature and supporting me through it. They come from different parts of the world and have known me in different ways, (one purely digitally) and yet they provide the chain that keeps me connected to that spiritual part of me. This I think is just as valuable as connecting in a building once or twice a week, in fact for someone like me it is even more valuable.
I hope that those of you who are struggling, confused or questioning, have someone like these people in your lives.

Merry Christmas

I will be back next year with more writing news, rants and chaos without doubt. In the mean time though should you read this then know I am wishing you a very merry, joyous and safe Christmas. Take safe and enjoy the time with your friends and family.
I pray that you are blessed and hopefully your walk is at least a little smooth at times. I'm not naive enough to wish for plain sailing all the time, how are we ever going to stretch and learn that way. Of course it would be nicer if we didn't have to.
Blessings and joy to you.

Being Alone

It's funny in a way I suppose, how much I enjoy being left alone. I find myself often unwilling to go out and socialise on the weekend because that is my time to be at home. That is my time for me and it often feels as though socialising takes that away from me.
I suppose that is a very selfish attitude.
The flip side of that is look at two of my very favourite past times. I love to read and I love to write. neither of these things require interaction with other people.
I love the solitude.
We went to a party today and ended up being there with two families the had five kids and they were saying that somehow five seemed to be a cut off point for many people they know. All I could think of was when would I get anything done with five kids. I love my girls and try to spend time with them, separately and together but boy there are times I wish they would just leave me alone. There is no way I could handle any more kids.
Then tomorrow we have three invitations, one we have rescheduled and one is just for me but still it means I won't be sitting curled up on my couch reading, or with a pen in my hand.
There are times I really wish the world could just go on without me. I would like to close the door and just be alone. To that end it doesn't bother me so much that hubby gigs I don't mind the time to be the only one awake and able to do what ever I feel like, be that reading, watching crappy tv or writing.
Tonight I have done both and it has been wonderful. Tomorrow we will go to a friends place just to catch up and I will go and say goodbye to another friend of mine who is leaving the country.
Maybe, just maybe in amongst that I will find time to clean my desk, which actually really needs it at the moment, and do the washing, which is a necessity but well falls under the column of housework, which we all know I pretty well suck at.
It might be possible for me to get something read tomorrow. If I'm very, very sneaky.

If Just One Person's Life...

I've been doing a bit of thinking recently, actually I usually do quite a bit of thinking. Anyway, I was speaking to someone recently who said that she was glad we accepted her at a time she had a few problems, even though as christians we probably shouldn't have. My response was to shrug and say I wasn't much of one for following rules. It didn't make sense to her that someone from my background would be willing to accept someone from her background.

So this is what got me thinking. I never really was concerned about whether I should or shouldn't be friends with this person. I knew I didn't agree with a lot of what she did but so, I was prepared to open up a little and so was she (the crossover for us was our children's friendship). It occurred to me while I was running today, and praying, that if my life can open up new possibilities to just one person then maybe things I've gone through aren't just a pain in my butt and a frustrating waste of time. Now this person isn't about to start going to church, and even I have trouble doing that, but she doesn't only think negative things about my kind of faith. Surely this is preaching by living.

Believe me when I say I don't use that phrase lightly, I do understand the weight behind it, I just wonder if the weight we've given it is the wrong sort. My thoughts on that concept have usually veered towards the idea that people will be attracted to the goodness and shining example of God that 'should' be in any good christian's life. Maybe the focus should instead be on living in a way that you can meet people where they are. Maybe allowing them to see the struggles and problems is just as important. Life for most people isn't smooth. For a lot it is a struggle in many different ways and sometimes I think as Christians we hide behind the idea that 'God will fix it' so we shouldn't tell others about it and shouldn't complain. This though is a facade we hide behind and it's very possible it is doing more damage than good.

I know this is kind of an unformed idea but for a very long time I have been hung up on this idea that to be a Christian I need to be the kind of people others (church goers) expect me to be and I have a lot of trouble being that person. However the type of person I am has opened up my friends heart and that can't be a bad thing.

Seeing The Why

Life has been busy the last few weeks. In some ways you wouldn't have thought so, what with so little going on at work. However I'm sure they would frown upon me sitting in a corner somewhere writing. So instead I've done things like alpha the colouring books. Sure there are plenty of books I could order if they let me, I'm not even half way through putting my wish list together and it's four pages long. Work isn't where I've been busy, it is just something that takes up a bunch of hours every week.

Truthfully I realised some stuff during this time. Most notably that God sometimes allows us to see the why of something.

So to give some vague info to put that statement into context...

There is a friend of mu hubby's who I don't get along with very well. A while ago he said some really harsh things about me, I want my hubby to get in his face and tell him what he said was unacceptable. Sure I can fight my own battles but that's not really the point, sometimes you just want someone to take your side. He didn't. I understood his reasoning for not saying anything but the message it sent me was that he valued his friends possible hissy fit reaction more than my feelings. Unfortunately understanding his reasons didn't make the feeling go away.

It all came to a head last weekend where we had to attend an even together. He apologised to hubby for the things he'd said and done and hubby told him he should never have said those things in the first place. I wasn't directly involved in the conversation but found I didn't need to be and now after a bit of discussion the air has been cleared between hubby and me. The other guy still isn't my fave person but it bothers me much less now when the guys get together.

Then this week something really bad happened and my hubby's friend really needed him. I'd hate to think what this guy would be going through without hubby being there for him to talk to and I don't begrudge the friendship. While I was out running it became clear to me that if I'd pushed the issue the situation would be quite different. I'm not sure that would be a good thing,

So sometimes we need to choose to go with the wisdom of someone we trust even when we don't like it or it hurts us because in the long term it is what will work out for the best. The thing we need to remember is that sometimes we don't get to see how it all fits together like I was able to in this case.

Being Real

It’s kind of funny, I just found out that someone thinks I was full of bullshit and playing mental games when I first met them. I have only seen them that once. Thing is I apologised when they first arrived, saying I was exhausted, I’d had to go to work that day and hadn’t been home long, I certainly wasn’t up to playing games. In fact, I don’t bother so much with games anymore, life is too short. I’m old enough to know better and quite frankly my life is full with wonderful friends, not loads but enough for someone who often found it difficult to allow people close.

So anyway, finding out this persons opinion of me got me to thinking, yeah I do that occasionally, about all the things we do to impress the people in our lives. Thing is it isn’t always the same tactic for different people. Around a person from a faith-based circle, we may try to tone ourselves down, change our language and deny certain things we think don’t fit, putting on instead things we do. Then with another group of people conversation can be more colourful, clothes perhaps more risqué and topics change.

Let me make this more personal for a moment. When I’m around church people I tend not to talk about sex. It’s not like I always put it into conversations but I try to keep innuendoes out or ignore them, when I wouldn’t in other groups, I perhaps police my thoughts more tightly. At the theatre, having an off colour sense of humour works.

Sometimes I wonder about myself because for all that I love God and have a heart that cries out for women in crisis, I feel far more comfortable sitting in a theatre bar talking about relationships, than I do in the auditorium talking to church ‘family’ after the service. I’ve gone into this sort of thing deeper in other posts, so for now I’ll just say that it’s perhaps because I feel there are expectations in the auditorium and there aren’t any in the theatre – as long as I learn my lines and hit my marks.

At a recent rehearsal I was asked why I wasn’t drinking, I said I was fasting because I felt it was what the big man upstairs wanted me to do, my director went ‘okay’ and that was the end of that. I felt accepted just being me and we all need that.

So back to this person that started this train of thought. I’m disappointed they felt the way they did because I had hoped we’d at least get along, the men in our lives are friends. I hadn’t gone into the situation with some underhanded agenda, I’m just not into that (I think it’s too much hard work). Granted certain circumstances are a little messy, but in this day and age so much of life is (soon divorces are going to include clauses about the custody of friends and how sad is that). Thing is I now feel she probably came into my house with some sort of plan or agenda and I didn’t meet up with her expectations. How sad to feel the need to live like that. To assume the people you come across all have an agenda. I’m not interested in living like that, I’ve got too much going on and the only way I can live the life I want is by being true to me.

So I wonder…how much of our lives is living true and how much is a façade? Me I’m all for being real. Others may not like it but how much pressure do you think we will take off ourselves if we do?

Expectations

I’ve just been cast in another play and I know it’s going to be a blast. I can’t help but wonder how I managed to not do anything for three years. Now this’ll be my fourth play in 18 months.

I love being someone else. I love the adrenaline rush of being on stage. I love getting feedback like “I wonder if that’s what she’s like in person?”, when I’m nothing like the character I’m playing. I’m grateful for the friendships I’ve found in the theatre.

For all the fragility of being involved in performance; all the self-doubt in my abilities, it’s one place I feel loved and I don’t mean empty accolades like ‘oh we think you’re great…’ I’m talking about being accepted. Truly accepted for who I am.

I just realised something. I don’t expect my friends from the theatre to understand or be interested in my faith, yet I expect people from church to be interested in my theatrical pursuits. I have a double standard in my life that I wasn’t even aware of. Huh!

It just goes to show how much I am responsible for those layers of hurt, hardness, protection I mentioned in ‘A Hard Heart’.

I expected more from people who are Christians because…I guess I just figured they should be genuinely interested in what my interests are. That’s a pretty selfish thought.

It’s put me on the other side. I once told a friend that I liked her but not a choice she had made. It put a huge gap between us because I didn’t understand how that hurt her. Years later we found each other again and she told me how I’d hurt her. To her the issue was more to do with who she was, not just a choice she had made. Now I am on the flip side. I feel the creative is not just a matter of interests or hobby but rather an integral part of me.

So much in life is a matter of perspective and we are all human. We all see things through different colour lenses. We all rate things as having different values.

Wow. Something else to work on. Fortunately like most things, the first step is recognising the problem and now I’ve done that I can start to make my choices with a better frame of reference. It reminds me that often we travel through life with blinders on – not just tinted glasses. How much better would things be if we periodically take a moment or two to step back, take a good look at ourselves and see how we have blinded ourselves to ourselves.

Argghh! The Stupidity

The state of things in my life recently causes me to wonder. Someone I had considered a friend threatened to sue me not long ago. Why you may ask? Well it boils down to the fact I expressed my pissed off and hurt emotions publicly. This of course only served to make me more pissed off and hurt.

My friends mean a lot to me, I would go into a fight for them and this person, well they trampled all over me. So I ask you, should I have taken that quietly and laid down as the feet pushed my face further into the mud? Unfortunately that’s not in my nature.

So now as things stand I feel used and lied to. This person looked me in the eye and said they lived their life with integrity. Let’s just say it’s a good thing I’m not as evil as my evil twin would have me be.

Help! My life inadvertently became a Springer episode, and somehow I’ve been left sitting on the stage stunned by the glare.