Bad Parenting On My Holidays

Damn it, my holiday time is nearly over. I have a week to finish all those things I planned on doing during my holidays and I think that still includes about 40000 words of writing for at least one WIP. Still it has been awesome doing all the things I've done. Watched a heap of movies and recorded shows. Got myself some cool toys to help with my writing. Caught up with some friends. Done a bit of reading. In fact todays great achievement was finishing two books.
I also have managed to get my fitness stuff back on track, and there lies a small problem. My munchkins have decided to get into fitness in their own way. This is awesome for them but has proven a little frustrating for me. They both want to go running with me but they are little and not so little. A run for me can be almost an hour long thing up around 7+ kms. For them the little one can do 2kms with interval training included the older one 4kms, and while this is an awesome effort it means I don't tend to do my running on days I do that. Their pace is slower and I try not to get frustrated or push them too hard. In a way I'm incredibly proud of them for what they are able to do, but I still must admit to feeling a little frustrated.
Then they try to use my weights and other workout things, as well as trying to get me to train them when all I want to do is flake. I know I should treasure those moments as the time we have with are children is so fleeting but… Frustration.
Looking at it from a different way though perhaps I should consider the reason they want to do this stuff is because I do this stuff and they want to be involved with what I like.
Lets face it my work isn't something to share with them and the life of a writer is, by default, fairly solitary. I don't always want to watch what they want to but perhaps I should allow myself that time without feeling guilty that I am not doing something more productive. Tricky to manage sometimes considering that for me reading isn't wasting time, I get sent books to review so I have to read them, if I don't I won't get more books, and I must have new books.
As a parent part of you thinks you should cherish all the moments you get but it is so much easier to just focus on ourselves in regards to how we use our time. 'I don't have time to watch you run in circles around the back yard Jonny because I have shopping to do, Facebook to check, a drink to get myself'.
In short I have one week left to make sure I help with homework, reading them stories, watching something whilst curled up with them or just going for a little jog, then work happens again and my schedule becomes a little more complicated. The thing is children sometimes just want to know they rate on your scale of important things and if that means it takes me half an hour to cover 2kms with a playground stop, then you know what? I will put aside 20 mins to spend with my fitness interested munchkin.

Tired & Frustrated

I am tired and frustrated. It's not pretty but it is the truth. I like my job, I like the hours because I get to spend more time with my kids. I'm glad we've got the house sorted out but the saving stage of right now is frustrating. In no small part because I have plans and I can't follow through on them till everything is signed and so on.
I just want to get things done. At the moment this interim stage is frustrating me. I want to get my book finished, I want to get my office sorted out. I have stuff I'm trying to give away but no-one wants it. There are things I want to do but I just can't at the moment. It is soooooo frustrating!!!
I have a break coming up in a month though for a week and a half and you better believe I am looking forward to it.

Week Off

I am now at the end of my week off. Sadly in this week I did not win lotto so I have to go back to work next week.
On the up side school went back and it looks like Miss 8's teacher isn't going to make it easy for her to slack off this year, which is a very good thing. Also Miss 4 has now started full time education and seems to love it.
All this meant I had three days to indulge in writing and such.
Yesterday though things hit somewhat of a wall. This feeling and place is not all that unfamiliar to me. The truth is I get down periodically. It's a frustration and a need to find change. In short I'm bored with certain things in my life. At the moment the main source of that frustration is my job. I know how silly, I am a grown woman who is frustrated with work. Oh I like reading still but I think I've mastered the job I have. Oh by no means to I think I know everything, it's a changing landscape so there is always more to learn and experience, but retail?
Well truthfully it's the retail side of things that irritates me. Some customers are awesome others not so much. I am bored with having to deal with customers, those who have no idea what they are talking about and those who believe because you work in retail you don't have a brain. Firstly loads of people who work in retail are doing it while they study. Also there are those like me who went back into the work force after quite a bit of time out who take what they can get. Me I have a degree and an associate diploma but not having actively used them means many people look over you.
The other problem I have is retail offers very little in the way of challenge and advancement. Sure I could try for management but the pay isn't all that great when you consider the hours you are expected to work and the fact you don't often get to have weekends and the like to spend with friends and family.
Retail has a high turnover because it's pay stinks yet so much is expected of those who work in the industry. My hourly rate is less than I got paid 10 years ago in hospitality. I have a family to feed and increasing utilities to deal with. Admittedly I am fortunate to work specific hours that mean I still have time to spend with my kids. A lot of parental types are not so lucky. You work what hours they want you to work or you don't have a job.
I was talking to an acquaintance and she said she got hassled at work, which proclaimed to be a family friendly environment, every time she needed to take time to be with one of her kids. Then they had a restructure thrust upon them and were told they had to adapt to the new rules which erased all their flex time and meant they had to work longer hours to fit in with the other side of the country. How is this family friendly? Bottom line is it's not.
I would like a job that could challenge me intellectually, push me to learn new things to excel in other areas. I know I can do it, when I started in books I loved to read but had no knowledge of kid's books, I got thrust there because I had kids. Now I have a blog, I write for another blog, I have built up quite a decent network of industry contacts, all off my own back. I know I can learn, I know I can adapt but so many jobs aren't interested in your potential to learn and excel they are interested in your most recent experience or piece of paper showing your qualifications.
My life isn't over yet, there are other strands I'm looking to pursue, new things that will push me into new spheres. There are even things I would love to study but the courses range from $2000 to upwards of $20000 and when you are a parent in a low income family every dollar is strictly budgeted and $2000 for a course may as well be $20000.
Maybe I need to find an old fashioned benefactor. Someone with money to burn who is willing to take a chance on a mature kinda girl who just wants to experience some different things. I know I have potential I just wonder if I can advertise for that kind of thing on Craigslist or ebay. Maybe a video plea on youTube. If I get that desperate I promise to post a link.

Holiday Week

Sure I tell myself it's a holiday but I can't really say I've had any time off. Especially not with children at home and so much going on otherwise. My new website is keeping me busy and I've started a twitter account, I'm finding it quite addictive. It's also proving to be quite informative. I think I'm finally getting a handle on how to manage social media. My kids book site has had over 200 hits in two weeks and I'm really happy with that. I've added other sections, like news and classics I just need to get around to writing some recommends lists.

Like I said keeping me busy.

We were planning on spending a couple of nights on an island but ditched that idea when it turned out it was going to cost us more to go across for two days than it would to go down south. We have settled probably for a day trip on a day we can get a discount.

Then there is other stuff going on with hubby an his band. Too much stuff really.

And if all this wasn't enough I have submitted one entry for a writing comp and am about to submit another. Then I had to say no to a friend. The thing she wanted was huge and I really just need some time to myself. It's hard, I feel bad for saying no but I really had to.

I've been busy but this week has felt so good. So busy with my head in books or a pen in my hand. I have one more week off and to be honest I really wish this could be my life. Writing, reading, blogging, trying to inspire people and kids to read.

Chaos and Madness

This week has been a really busy one for me, I started my own kids book website TheKylieVerse.com

This has kept me incredibly busy as I wanted to update it quite a lot in its first few weeks so it doesn't look too sparse.

Work has been interesting, finally we started to get new stock in which is a good thing, though I heard today through a source in council that the store will stay but it will get smaller. I don't really know what's going on but as I saw official looking guys discussing things about the site yesterday (they appeared to be in store secretly) it does ring possible.

I'm feeling a little shaky on a couple of footings at the moment. One the website, I want it to achieve a couple of things and not just be a colossal waste of time. Two hubby's band, it looks like it could go places but one of the guys is looking like he could stuff it up. It bothers me because my hubby has put a lot into it, and he's not the only one. I hope it sorts itself out. I pray and hope it sorts itself out. I try not to think too much on it but you know how it is when you try not to think of something.

Anyway my faith is still a bit wobbly. I am trying; to talk to God and to believe. I want to believe that my dreams can come true. I want to believe that what is in my heart is there for a reason. And with all that is going on in the world at the moment I have to remind myself that really my concerns aren't all that big a deal.

God please be with those in Japan, those in Christchurch and me. Help me to hold on to what I know is true and that is that you love me, you created me and you have a purpose for me, even though I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean.

On a side note I am on two weeks holiday so I may not be here for the next two saturdays I will have to see how it goes. But I will be back.

A Little Brighter

I want to thank those who offer their encouragement and support, you know who you are and I am incredibly grateful that you are in my life.

I still wish I didn't have to fight so hard for what I want, but now I am refreshed a little and able to face it with at least a bit of a smile on my face. Though with the weather heating up I'm not so sure my smiling will last if I keep up my running.

I am content to say I believe and yet I struggle. This in no way makes me unique I know this I also know that sometimes its hard to see a way out when you feel so stuck in the darkness. It just takes a little while sometimes to realise that the darkness isn't complete and doesn't mean I'm swamped in evil. Just a little down.

This week has been something I really needed, a week off work. It's no secret that work and I aren't on the best of terms at the moment and to be honest this has been a great week one I wish I could continue in. I know everyone feels that way after time off. It's not so much that I long to stay home and game or do nothing, rather that I wish I could stay home and write. More than anything I know in my heart that this is my passion and what I am meant to do. So I will persevere. I'm pretty good at that, and trust in the knowledge that one day...

Till then I will believe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Last Stuff About Bali

These are the last days and my thoughts on what I came away from my holiday having learnt. next entry will probably be me back to my ranting.

Day Five

Another morning spent swimming and lazing in at the resort. After another lunch of honey sandwiches for the girls and cold pizza for the adults we had a quiet time and went out to replenish supplies. We walked past the Circle K to have a look around sadly realising how much we hadn’t seen yet. However looking on it objectively I would say we wouldn’t have done a lot differently it would have been too much for the girls. We ditched the safari, zoo and water park ideas simply because we decided the girls would be interested for a bit and then get restless and it wouldn’t be worth it financially.

Then we went back to the hotel, changed back into our bathers and went to run the gauntlet that is the Bali beach. ‘You want chair,’ ‘you want braid,’ ‘manicure’.

We went close the water with our towel and got dirty. The sand on the beach at Kuta is quite dark, very different to the golden sand I’m used to in Australia. Both girls had a blast. It was Kiara’s first time and she was much more fearless than Michaela at that age. On day four we had walked along the beach and chased sand crabs, they did some more of that, they are quick little buggers and it’s fun to chase them.

Then back to resort, rinse off the sand, into the pool and hotel dinner again.

Oh and there was no music this morning but Kiara kept asking if she could see the more ‘bang, bang’.

Day Six

Today’s agenda was planned rather than decided on the fly. We wanted to go where we hadn’t yet and take pictures. The back alleys and main drags that we hadn’t been to previously.

We started strong, I’m surprised just how far I was able to walk carrying Kiara. The stall holders around this area weren’t as bad as where we went the first day, far more willing to accept no.

The most frustrating, anger inducing, annoying moment was when a guy shoved a fake gun in Michaela’s face – sideways not pointing it at her – and said ‘you buy, toy you buy’. I nearly went…well you know. What kind of moron does that?

We even ventured into a shop to look for something for a friend but they didn’t have it. The girls bought flower ornaments for their hair.

We just walked and walked until we weren’t sure we’d find the road that lead back to the resort. Steve knew the direction we needed to go but with the roads twisting and turning it can get a little confusing especially for the navigationally challenged like me. I wondered at one point if we’d have to retrace our steps but I continued to follow Steve because the guy has great navigation skills.

Two hours after we left we were back at the resort for a sit, a drink and a swim. Then a quiet lunch. Kiara was exhausted and wouldn’t settle until about ten minutes before we were due to head out again to take pics around the resort. So I did a bit of loud packing to wake her.

After the pics we went swimming again. They are both so good in the water. Michaela has come a fair way with her swimming and water confidence. Yesterday Steve taught her the basics of diving and she has worked hard at it and improved dramatically in just one day. Kiara is fearless, a bit too fearless, not content to stay in the shallows.

Tonight we headed out to a restaurant, the only proviso being that the girls could order pizza again. They won’t be getting any more for a while I can tell you that.

We ended up at a place called Chasers – great food, cheap drinks with actual alcohol in them, the girls loved it, mum and dad loved it.

7 am check out tomorrow so I settled the bill tonight. Homeward bound. Yay!

Lessons Learnt

I was speaking to a friend after we’d got back and she said she knew I wouldn’t like Bali because I don’t tolerate stupid people. I started to protest that I would never call a people group stupid but unfortunately the more I thought about it the more I realised she had a point. I don’t actually consider them stupid I simply don’t see how their way of doing things, (haggling and hassling) is efficient or effective, but it must work for them. It is what they know, and not what I know and I found them to be annoying and time wasting. So to my friend’s way of looking at it their way of doing things, according to my standards, is stupid.

How intolerant and arrogant do I sound? Not a pretty picture to paint about yourself is it? I always thought I was fairly tolerant but those that know me best would say there are things I don’t tolerate at all and what I perceive to be stupidity is one of those things. I really should have understood this better because the signs were all there: someone comes up to me at work and says ‘I want a book, I don’t know who wrote it or what it is about but it’s written by a girl’, and I think they are idiots and should stop wasting my time. I am intellectually arrogant and I have no real cause to be because there are plenty of people out there who know so much more than I do, are so much smarter.

So what did I learn? I hate haggling; shopping and I aren’t real friendly. That it doesn’t matter where you are there are always things to learn, experience and be thankful for. Anytime together with your family is time well spent.

And that is it for our first family holiday.

Bali - Day Three and Four

Day Three

After the disaster of the last couple of days and even this morning when I asked the front desk if they had antiseptic cream for Kiara’s hand or if they could tell me where to get some, and the guy went ‘Ah, don’t have here, maybe chemist’ I asked where the nearest one was he said ‘Don’t know’. ARGH! (I ended up putting antiseptic Listerine in it figuring anything antibacterial had to help – it appeared to and I walked into the girls room to find KJ had tried to put more on herself and spilt a large amount on her bed- mmm minty fresh bed).

Anyway, today turned out okay, apart form sunburn. We avoided people instead choosing to stay poolside and roomside. It was the first time I’ve actually felt relaxed.

When I went out for a walk to get supply I headed in the opposite direction and found what I think will prove to be better shopping than where we have already been. The people seemed less pushy but that may be because it was later in the day and I was alone.

So we’ve decided against the tours and will mostly stay in resort, the girls enjoy all the swimming and cope much better with that than the people and honestly so do I.

The nicest surprise today was sitting down to eat at the hotel restaurant and having the waiter tell us we have a lovely family, it has been noticed apparently by the staff at breakfast and talked about, our girls are well behaved unlike other kids who can’t seem to be controlled.

Day Four

Found some better shopping but only just and honestly I really don’t think it’s much cheaper, I guess a lot of people who come here don’t go looking for bargains back home, whereas I do by necessity. Also I really miss shops with price tags on the items.

So we shopped and relaxed and went back to the pool. The girls love the pool. They are both doing very well and improving their swimming, they will both miss it when we go home. Oh I also bought something for myself today, I kind of needed to as I didn’t bring many cloths over and the ones I had were getting pretty festy.

The biggest thing I suppose today was getting woken at the awful time of 6.30 in the morning by gong music. It appears we have a temple next door. It went on for an hour. Woke us all and I had really been hoping the girls might sleep a bit longer being so tired. Then tonight the gongs and drums went for two or so hours with a short break. We took the girls to a place where they could see what was happening and that was interesting. It also sounded much better when you could hear the whole thing not just what made it through the walls.

Someone told us they thought it would go for three days because of a festival, I guess we’ll find out.

The girls have decided they would like to spend much of the last two days by the pool, which is fine by us.

Speaking of sleep we ordered room service pizzas for dinner but when they arrived we went into the girls room, having enjoyed the fact they had been quiet for ten or twenty minutes, only to discover Kiara had fallen asleep. We had to wake her for dinner because she had been saying she was hungry before hand. However they both ate and went to sleep well.

Not looking forward to being woken tomorrow morning if it happens.

Bali Day Two

Okay so continuing on with my Bali notes. i'll try to post the rest more quickly this week, it has taken a bit of adjusting getting back into the swing of work and I now have a deadline for my novel.

SO

Bali Day Two

Well you certainly learn things about yourself when you travel and I’ve learnt several valuable lessons. I can’t haggle for crap. Haggling doesn’t stop over pricing if you have no reference base when you go in. I hate haggling, even when I knock an okay percentage off it still pisses me off. I don’t enjoy it, in fact I find it painfully annoying and a waste of time.

More annoying though are the store people who won’t leave us the hell alone. Other people say no to them and they are allowed to move on we say know and they follow us. It’s because we can’t move so fast because we have the girls.

I realised I have no patience. Okay so I’ve always known my patience is a little thin on the ground but today took it to new extremes. My personal space got very tested and I very much wanted to rip a persons head off. They were totally freaking our girls out. It’s hard being asked 10 times in 5 minutes “what’s your name?’, ‘how old are you?’, ‘hi five’. Just having kids apparently means we are fair game.

I’m tired, I’m grumpy and I’m worried about the girls. MJ is alright but has a limited attention span. KJ gets tired easily, her eyes are red from the pool, mozzies seem to like her like they did me when I was younger and her hand is a little swollen, we think it was scratched or grazed and already seems to be going down but still I’m worried.

I have also realised I have serious platinum tastes and just not the budget for it, I honestly don’t want knock offs. Have I mentioned I hate shopping! I don’t really think like Bali all that much.

Bali Day One

These Bali entries were written while we were over there but I was unable to post them then due to time constraints so I've decided to do it now.

Day One

Today has been interesting. Not what we were expecting. We ended up taking a promo trip out to a five star resort which meant we missed our appointment with the tour company but then expecting people to meet with you halfway through their first day on holiday with no prearrangement…I imagine more appointments are missed than met. The promo trip was interesting because it took us to a totally different part of the island where a lot of five star hotels are. The hotel we looked at was very pretty, immaculate gardens, pristine pools, in fact as I think about it, it could be a hotel from any western country in the world, there was no real local feel to it.

While luxury like that is how we would like to be able to travel it wasn’t the hotel that I found most interesting. It was the trip itself. The mangrove swamps we drove past were drowning in plastic bags and other rubbish. The buildings were so run down. It’s amazing to me that the poverty is so obvious right next to and in between the luxury resorts.

Yes I feel bad about the poverty but it was tempered by the constant cries of ‘transport, transport’ and ‘braid your hair’. I have to wonder how many see the poverty or do they only see the opportunity for a cheap holiday? To be honest the latter is why we came here. And while I knew in my head there would be the poverty and that there would be hawkers and the like I didn’t really expect it to be how it is. I think it is one thing to know and another to experience it.

There is rubbish dumped on the streets and you constantly have to watch where you step because of it and the rough roads. I also found it very annoying to be accosted every couple of meters about getting a ride just because I chose to walk to the shops. I am also finding it creepy how much attention is being paid to my girls and I think it is freaking them out a bit too. Every time we stop somewhere, or don’t even stop people talk to the girls and our girls aren’t the most outgoing of children. I think they are trying to be polite and while I thought the fascination with pale blondes would be over it isn’t.