I'm Not Dead Yet

Those four words were my mantra yesterday.
I'm not dead yet.
Every time I got asked 'How you going Kylie?' or words to that effect, my answer was 'I'm not dead yet.'
How or why did it get to that point?
Yesterday I completed my second Tough Mudder. Some will say, 'you crazy woman', others 'go you'. I'm good with both.

Yesterday though was a bigger challenge for me than the actual race. Some very good friends of mine, and teammates, were injured and unable to run this year. This hit me in a very strange way. I realised that this would mean I would be running with a bunch of people for whom fitness is their competitive centre. This made me nervous, I do these events to challenge myself and because, running for the sake of running is something that simply doesn't appeal to me. I like the obstacles.
The map came out and I got excited again. The day drew closer and I got nervous again. Yesterday morning I was both.
I met the new team members.

Where was Josh? 

We laughed and got psyched up. We jumped the wall into the starting box.

We heard the spiel and said the Oath.
I will not whine, kids whine.
Then we went.

I felt good but it wasn't long before the others hit their stride as the pack spread out and I kept up for a km or so but my running time simply isn't very fast. I started to get disheartened. That is a bad headspace to be in. This whole thing is about challenging yourself, not being better than or even as good as everybody else. What an unreasonable expectation to put on oneself.
The problem with being someone like me is I hate being the weakest link. I hate letting others down and that is how I felt. I felt as though I was letting the team down.
Don't get me wrong there was nothing in my team's behaviour that made me feel that way, it was all in my head. But my head can be a messed up place to be. Once you start a downward spiral like that it can be damn difficult to pull yourself out.

Fe wouldn't let me sink, she recognised my mental struggle and kicked my butt, mentally and physically, that's what good friends do, they know how to help you, even when you try to push them away.
I kept going. I wasn't going to let the run beat me. I said I may not be fast but I could definitely do the distance. If they wanted to get out ahead, I didn't mind. They didn't leave me. I came up with a different strategy. I don't need to rest a lot. I'm a stubborn thing. I decided the best way I could help the team was to run while I could, if they needed to stop to get out stones I would head off knowing it wouldn't take them long to catch up. It was the best plan I could think of to not slow them down.
'How you going Kylie?'
'I'm not dead yet.'

I was determined. But my head wasn't making it easy for me, I came off an obstacle I'd made it over every other time. My head said, 'You're too old for this.', 'Why did you bother?'. Deep inside me fought back with 'shut the f*&% up, I'm not dead yet.'
There was an obstacle I really wanted to succeed at, and it didn't matter that more than half the people I saw attack it came off, when I came off I was frustrated and annoyed, 'What did you expect, you're just not good at this.'
'F*&% off, I'm not dead yet.'
I wrenched an arm slightly coming down a wall and I didn't care, because it was a minor inconvenience nothing more. Those obstacles are the part of it I love, and I can help with them. I can be a team player. At some point in time I realise I am the oldest in our team by a bit, so I told them to kiss my ass. The voice in my head recedes and that is good.
The terrain this year was tougher, I'm sure of it. More hills and definitely more rocks to climb. My knees aren't too fond of stairs and that translates to hills and rocky outcroppings but damn it 'I'm not dead yet.'

Then came my arch nemesis, Everest, damn it more than anything I wanted to beat that one this year. And I nearly did, I even caught the hand of the guys at the top but it wasn't a good enough grip and I slipped. Damn it so I tried again. And tripped on something taking a very heavy fall. Busted up my whole right side rather spectacularly. Everyone else made it. It was a huge blow to my mind but 'I don't care, I'm not dead yet'.
I limped away but shook it off and continued on. My team was awesomely supportive. They pushed me and encouraged me.
Bugger it though, my hand was swelling up and I couldn't  hold onto anything, so try as I might (and I did try) I couldn't beat the next couple of obstacles. You know what though, 'I'm not dead yet.'
I hit the arctic enema.

I loved the Fire in your Hole.

As a repeat Mudder, a Legionnaire, we got another go at Everest, but I had to let it go. Then was the electricity. Others thought having done it before they would go around, me having come that far and fought so damn hard with my own mind, my own fears and insecurities, decided 'I'm not dead yet, let's go'.
I did it. I finished the event. I finished it with a great team. Thank you guys. They even made sure I crossed the line with them.
My mental game didn't finish there though because as I tried to break it all down I became convinced that in some way I was a failure. What a crock. I completed an event that many won't even contemplate doing. How is that failure? Sure it wasn't the fastest time but it was quicker than last year. I got the best injury and I still finished. I'm over forty, I ran a lot of kms (I think the official distance was 18kms) and I beat my own fear of heights and failure.

I got caught in my own insecurities. I let myself focus on the negatives. I'm too old, not fit enough. I'm letting them down.
No one put these thoughts into my head. They are my own perceptions. My own fears. We live in a society where we focus too much on the negative. We are almost better at putting ourselves down. Is it because we think if we do it, it won't hurt when others do? In my case, yeah probably, it's a hang over from my school days of being teased and rejected. All these years later the effects that are mostly gone still pop up every now and then. It's a battle, but it is one you can win. You're not dead yet.

I am 41 years old, I was never very good at sport and yet I have finished two Tough Mudders. Kiss my ass. I am not good with heights, and yet I will climb those damn ladders and jump off that platform. I will throw myself at a suspended cargo net, and a curved wall. I can be injured and I won't give up.
All in all it is a bit like life. The only thing that really matters is how you react to what is in front of you. Your challenges may not be the same as someone else's, so what. You don't need to conform to what someone else dictates. The only person you need to be happy with, and challenge (be better than) is yourself. Don't allow the negative thoughts, the fears and insecurities, rule your actions. Align yourself with others who can help, be that in words of encouragement or kicking your ass (figuratively or literally).
I am not a failure.
I am not dead yet.
There is plenty more fight in me. That is how we face our fears, reach our goals and grab our dreams.
You're not dead yet.

I Am Spartan!

Yesterday I did something awesome.

That's right I completed my first Spartan Sprint. It's not my first obstacle race but I've got to say I think it's the toughest one. It was in a word brutal. And yet it was awesome.
Let me dissect that a little for you.
Spartan started for us at 0840am, it was cold, the sun wasn't even over the hill yet and the breeze was brisk.

That's the gentle sloping side, the side we had to go part way up carrying sandbags.
Anyway we started in such a fun way, by going for a swim.

Holy crap it was cold. Then we crawled under barbed wire, jumped some fences and headed up the most brutal hill I've ever seen. Trust me it looked tough when I was at the base and still dry and semi warm. We faced rope climbs, weight challenges, the dreaded spear throw, monkey bars with a twist, mud crawls, cargo ropes and lots and lots of water. Then of course the burpees.

(I was so tired by here, really close to the end)
In case you didn't know burpees suck at the best of times let alone when legs are shaking and cramping and you body is screaming at you for making the decision to do this stupid thing in the first place.
Finally you get to the end and you don't really care how long it took but it feels so incredible just to have finished.
Why was the Spartan race so cool and so important to me?
Because I am not so young any more and I've never been particularly sporty. Spartan is a challenge. Seven kms of pain that is more about, can I finish it, than can I win anything.
In 2008 a bunch of us met as cast and crew for a theatre production, if anyone had said that in 2014 we'd be volunteering to do a race such as this we'd have laughed so hard and asked what they were on. yet it's 2014 and here we are.

I started running as an anger management tool. I was frustrated and needed a way to deal with it without taking it out on my family. It soon became a love/hate thing. I run because I need the cardio workout (my body craves it), I do the other things because I really enjoy the challenge of them. We all have our own reasons. They are all slightly different but we pull together as a team when it matters.
Sure you can do Spartan by yourself (you'd have to be bigger and fitter than me to do so) but sometimes it is better to do things in a team.
It's like life, sometimes the pain comes and we feel we have no choice but to just push through by ourselves. It might be a good time to remember that there is strength in numbers. I'm short I cannot get over a 10 foot wall by myself, I'm stubborn and I won't let my team mates give up also I can sit on the top of the wall and help pull you up. I have my strengths and my weaknesses. Everyone has them. Together we got the team over the line, and through all the pain we had fun with it.

I love my team.

Life is a team event.

It is also about how you choose to face it. I'm older than I've ever been and fitter than I've ever been. People think I'm nuts, not just because I'm a geek or an obstacle racer, but I'm me and I'm comfortable with all my wackiness. I am also only one of 42 women aged 40-49 who took on the Spartan race and I came in 27th. I'm so happy with that. The stats overall were over 450 women raced and I came in at around 278 from memory. I couldn't have done it by myself.
I tell you what though, a couple of those first few obstacles nearly stopped me in my tracks. Sometimes life can be that brutal, particularly when it comes to chasing our dreams. We hit an obstacle and decide there is no way we can go any further. I'm here to tell you, you absolutely can. That ice water is only shocking and freezing while you're in it and not moving. Swim through it and get out and run. That mountain is only a hill with an amazing view to appreciate once you get to the top.
The only person in life you have to make happy is yourself (because funnily enough when you are happy you want to make others happy), the only person you have to be better than is yourself yesterday. Set your own goals and don't let the haters, or laughers stop you.
Set your targets, find that person or group of people who will stand by you, encourage you and pick you up when you stumble. And we all stumble.
I am Spartan!
Who are you?

Bad Parenting On My Holidays

Damn it, my holiday time is nearly over. I have a week to finish all those things I planned on doing during my holidays and I think that still includes about 40000 words of writing for at least one WIP. Still it has been awesome doing all the things I've done. Watched a heap of movies and recorded shows. Got myself some cool toys to help with my writing. Caught up with some friends. Done a bit of reading. In fact todays great achievement was finishing two books.
I also have managed to get my fitness stuff back on track, and there lies a small problem. My munchkins have decided to get into fitness in their own way. This is awesome for them but has proven a little frustrating for me. They both want to go running with me but they are little and not so little. A run for me can be almost an hour long thing up around 7+ kms. For them the little one can do 2kms with interval training included the older one 4kms, and while this is an awesome effort it means I don't tend to do my running on days I do that. Their pace is slower and I try not to get frustrated or push them too hard. In a way I'm incredibly proud of them for what they are able to do, but I still must admit to feeling a little frustrated.
Then they try to use my weights and other workout things, as well as trying to get me to train them when all I want to do is flake. I know I should treasure those moments as the time we have with are children is so fleeting but… Frustration.
Looking at it from a different way though perhaps I should consider the reason they want to do this stuff is because I do this stuff and they want to be involved with what I like.
Lets face it my work isn't something to share with them and the life of a writer is, by default, fairly solitary. I don't always want to watch what they want to but perhaps I should allow myself that time without feeling guilty that I am not doing something more productive. Tricky to manage sometimes considering that for me reading isn't wasting time, I get sent books to review so I have to read them, if I don't I won't get more books, and I must have new books.
As a parent part of you thinks you should cherish all the moments you get but it is so much easier to just focus on ourselves in regards to how we use our time. 'I don't have time to watch you run in circles around the back yard Jonny because I have shopping to do, Facebook to check, a drink to get myself'.
In short I have one week left to make sure I help with homework, reading them stories, watching something whilst curled up with them or just going for a little jog, then work happens again and my schedule becomes a little more complicated. The thing is children sometimes just want to know they rate on your scale of important things and if that means it takes me half an hour to cover 2kms with a playground stop, then you know what? I will put aside 20 mins to spend with my fitness interested munchkin.

Evaluation

So this year is drawing to an end, it's not really the time we focus on what we have achieved but rather on what gifts we are giving and to whom. Me I feel like a quick evaluation is worth it at this point.
So what have I achieved: I finished my probation period at work and I'm still gainfully employed; I completed Tough Mudder; I vollied at a con and got asked to do others; I got asked to play a bigger role for one of the sites I review for; I am still writing.

Now is not the time to get complacent about any of this, and it would be so easy to do just that. I'm on holiday, Christmas is drawing near and most people are winding down. So lets evaluate and start looking forward to next year.

Me work goes on as normal, mine is not a job particularly altered by Christmas, we still need to work, we don't close down, not even for one day. I will be working Christmas Eve and Christmas night, it is going to be a first for me, for our family but we will manage. The thing is little things like this aren't big in the grand picture of things, it is something that is so very easily worked around. So my next little goal  is to give my kids an awesome Christmas that may be a little different from those of previous years.

I'm currently doing this ridiculous thing called 30 Burpees a Day for 30 Days. And yes it is as ridiculous as it sounds, and yes burpees are horrible things… but it is a goal and it is a good time to have a goal like this because it stops me falling into pre-festive season laziness. For those who may be interested I have signed up to do a Spartan Sprint this year as well as Tough Mudder again, the difference is that the Sprint is shorter and all about your time. So my fitness goals are continuing to have a strong hold on me, though there are days I really just want to not do anything.

I am already looking at the cons I want to do next year and how to work them into my schedule. So this is a goal for next year but the key with a goal like this one is it doesn't have to be a self-centred goal. I figure if I go interstate for something like this why shouldn't I take the family and make it a family holiday at the same time?

Goals simply do not have to be serious - you know work or fitness related. A goal can be anything really that you want to do or achieve. A goal can be fulfilling something silly on your bucket list, if you have. In this case I want to do something nice with my family and combining these two things is a perfect fit. Now if only I can pull it off both financially and with time away from work.

The other thing about goals or dreams is sometimes you have to know when to let go. I have done no acting in the last 12 months and yes I miss it, and yes I'm feeling the urge to get back up on the stage again. The thing is when you evaluate you need to make sure you are not spreading yourself to thin and thereby making yourself useless to those around you.
For me that means something may need to go and well the desire to make it as a writer is stronger than my desire to get back on stage. It is hard enough to get a writing project finished while I'm working full time, if I have decided I'm serious about my writing I'm going to have to put more time into it.

Time is one of those things some of us never seem to have enough of, which really just means we need to manage our time better. After a 12 hr shift though I admit it is really hard to get motivated to doing anything, which is why I'm trying to uses this time of leave to get myself into some good habits, like working out nearly everyday. If I can get my body expecting to workout for a bit whenever I sit my butt down to watch tv, then hopefully it will be easier to do just that.

The same applies with my writing, I need to get myself back to that place where I set myself a goal for every day. There are times when that goal is simply a few words and there are times that it needs to be more than that. I haven't done NaNo this year because I simply didn't think I'd be able to fit it in with everything else I've had vying for my leave time, also because I wanted to work on WIP's not something new.

I will get there because of this mind set:

So I know I need to break my writing into smaller goals, like I have done with my fitness. So my first stage is to complete the first draft of book one, then the first draft of book two, then you know how it goes - editing stages. I also have about 3 other WIP's so each of those can be broken into small goals as well. Hopefully by this time next year I will have some completed manuscripts (at least first drafts if nothing else).

So to sum up my evaluation: I have achieved some awesome things in these last 12 months, some I never ever would have thought I would; and I am in a good place as this year winds down and we head into the new one, I have wonderful things to achieve in my life and I believe I will get there.

I just need to work on them. That's the thing with goals, we need to work on them and not be afraid to sweat for them.

I Came and Kicked Its Ass

I did it.

The thing that has been my goal for the last 12+ months I have now done. It was awesome. More than that I conquered one of the obstacles I really thought there was no way I would.

Not all that long ago there was no way I would have thought it possible. In fact there was a time when a couple of us who competed would have laughed at the suggestion and assumed the person speaking had hit the theatre bar a little early. 'You think I'm going to what over 20kms?!' Goals are funny things though. Some people are good with them, some not so good. Me, I am grateful for my headstrong personality which means once I've set my mind to do something there better be a really good reason for me not to get it done. That is not just with things such as fitness goals, though that is a huge thing for people at the moment. I'm all for setting fitness goals, I still have them, I need to continue on the path I've set myself on, there is simply no way I am going to let that go now, I've got next year to prepare for and it looks as though I will compete in more than one event. The feeling the kind of success that is reaching your goals brings, is AWESOME! I am determined to push harder.

It is the same determination that should be applied to all aspects of life though. If I only applied it to one area then my life is likely to get all out of whack. My family don't want someone who is obsessed with just one thing to to detriment of everything else. That kind of thinking makes for a very one dimensional and yes very boring person. All of us can probably be a little that way, if you don't want to be stuck talking about the one topic for hours then never bring up books with me.

Fortunately I have other goals that drive me, and I have set those before me as I did my fitness goal. I finished my first novel, now my next goal there is to make it into two on the advice of someone who knows better than me. I am part way there and I plan on using my time off to get further there. Goals can be a great thing. Don't let them become a narrow focus for you though because we all need to be more than one dimensional beings, we all need something else in our lives just in case it turns to crap, as it sometimes does.

There is just one other thing I want to say about goals. Sometimes it can be a great help to have someone along side you. Someone with the same goal, or a similar one. Someone to encourage you and pick you up. Someone who will just boot your ass if needed.

Those of you have been there for me in my Tough Mudder journey you know who you are and I thank you. Those of you who are there for my writing pursuits I thank you too. Without friends and support it can be hard to reach the end. Without someone to boot your butt occasionally it can be easy to slip into the slumber of apathy that says, 'well I tried it once, it doesn't matter if I try again'.

Road Blocks

So it's already October, that means my biggest challenge of the year is looming.

That's right this is my biggest challenge; 20kms, 20+ obstacles. It is going to be brutal and hopefully fun.

I have been training hard for this. I have worked hard this last year and a half on my fitness and strength. The time is getting short to get a good amount of training in before the day. There are days when I just don't want to go out but I do. There are days that I think a little bit will be good enough and I end up pushing myself further than ever. Then there are days like the other day. I went out to push the distance, to see how far I could go before dinner. A couple of hundred meters down the road I thought my hip felt a bit sore but pushed it aside thinking 'it's just a little pain I can push through it I'm sure Mudder will come with more pain'. So I kept running, till about 2kms from home I heard this bone crunching kind of sound and my leg almost gave out from under me.

Do you have any idea how mush it sucks to be injured this close to your goal event? A lot. For someone like me it's not just the injury that is the problem, it's the fact it makes me feel weak. There is a part of me that thinks I should just push hard through it. Then there is a smaller part of me that knows it is better if I rest it for a bit at least. Fortunately for me the smaller part is bolstered by the support of my other half who has been a great support and trainer through all my self inflicted torture. He tells me I'm not to go out, he reassures me that taking some time off doesn't make me weak. I have had to accept limitations this week and I don't do well with limitations. What keeps me from trying to run through the pain though is knowing I don't have to let this road block stop me. I just need to be a little patient, like with any road block it is just a temporary thing, before long you can get back on your way. I have to believe that. I have to believe I will be back out there soon because I've already paid my entry fee and I'll be stuffed if I'm going to forfeit that for a little owie. (Of course I would feel a bit better if my owie had some external indication of pain so I could show it as a badge of courage.)

Not As Young As I Was

Statement of fact really for every one of us. When we were younger 30 seemed so old. 40 was just about ancient let alone 50 or 60. Now I'm here at 40 I don't feel old, I still feel like me. Young, silly and not ready to consider myself as old.
Of course it helps that I'm fitter now than I have been in years but the truth is that, in and of itself, is an indication of getting older. Once upon a time I didn't really have to do anything to fit into smaller size clothing, now I need to watch what I eat to an extent and sweat on a regular basis. Neither of which it turns out, do I have a problem with.
Every now and then though my body decides to let me know that I'm not 20 anymore. It chose to do that this weekend, when I picked my munchkin up and went to flip her around. I threw my back out more than throwing my daughter around and have spent the last two days babying it and keeping it warm so as to make the healing process short.
I am sure there was a time that wouldn't have happened. Thing is though it is an inconvenience but that is all. So I won't run this weekend, so I won't get to pound on my newly put up heavy bag. I refuse though to let this little indication of not being so spritely bother me.
When you are actually young, you often think growing old would have to suck. Actually it's pretty good fun. Life is made up of experiences and choices and quite often you are simply better equipped to make better choices when you are older. When you are younger you think nothing much can touch you. When you are older you realise there is a fair chance crap will happen at some point and it's all about how you choose to deal with it.
I love being the age I am. I wouldn't go back to being 21 again for quids, (maybe 30 I would). Truthfully, I actually think I'm a better person now, though there are days I wish to not have the responsibilities of a grown up. Life is fun because I choose to have fun. Life is productive because I choose to make it that way.
Sure there are things I wish I could change, most people probably have something they would like different in their lives, but those things are things I'm still working on. Age can give you a wonderful perspective if you let it.

Changes

Life is full of change. The thing is to embrace it.
Not always the easiest thing to do.
We have just shifted. A change and a pain in the butt. The nice thing is though the house we have moved to is an awesome fit for us, for all the baggage and stuff we bring with us. A more ordinary house would not suit us because; well a muso and a writer have certain needs. I am looking forward to the day the boxes are all gone.
The other thing is I've taken the plunge and had some art added to my skin. I get that some people really disagree with tattoos and that's fine. For me the choice was not lightly made. It's something I've thought about for a long time. I know that for many it's just a hip thing to do. For me that had nothing to do with it. I'm about as unhip as you get. I wouldn't know fashion if I fell over it.
For me the choice was very personal and the design I chose was equally personal. The first place I approached tried to suggest I get something that suited them better. 'Hello sunshine this is something that is going to be on my body for ever why would I want to have something I didn't ask for?'
In the end I took my two inspiration pieces to a guy and he designed me the most amazing piece. I put a lot of research into my piece. I know what it means in a general way and I know what it means to me. My piece was inspired by the central character in my fantasy novel. She has many tattoos and they all have very specific meanings.
My tattoo is a promise to myself to continue to work on my novel and one day get it published.

This is so beautiful.

Work is keeping me busy, writing is keeping me busy, when I get the chance to do so. 

I have so many things I still want to do. I want to teach my kids to embrace the excitement of life, of change. You don't need to do what others expect of you. Let's face it I've never been particularly good at making others happy. There are times in your life that you simply need to make a choice about what is the right next step for your life.  I want them to know that to live is to sometimes push yourself outside of your comfort zone. This latter after all is why I'm in training for Tough Mudder. Never in a million years would I have thought this would be something I would do but it is the right thing for me at this time.

Then again I never expected to have the career I've got. Yet it is a job I really like. Being willing to embrace change, to look outside the square is what got me to this stage of my life and it's a place I feel very happy in.

Don't run away from change. Change can bring the most amazing things into your life. Change can bring real beauty. Change stops life becoming stagnant. To really live is to embrace change.

Well That Just Sucks

We should've got our house. Not going to happen it seems. The no is for the sake of two months, or $30 a week, or the inflated tax rate to cover my old uni fees, or the simple fact that I know how to survive without a credit card (which means you end up with no real credit rating).
So all those things I finally got around to unpacking again need to be packed. Totally not my favourite past time.
When I found out I cried. I shouted. I swore. And I ranted at God how is this fair, how is it fair that some people land on their feet all the damn time, they seem to get many of the breaks and people will look at them and go 'well lets see what we can do to sort that for you.' When they look at me it so often seems they try to find all the possible faults, all ways in which we don't fit.
Thing is though, this kind of thing has happened so many damn times in my life that really at this stage it is just kind of boring now.

So for 20 minutes I pitched a fit. Then I accepted the fact my plans had been tossed in the air again only to fall in some random manner at my feet.
I walked out of my shower, got dressed and went and spoke to my family. Within that very short space of time I had gone through a total 180 degree change of attitude.
Why?
Well that's easy really. Because I decided too. I have a family who love me. A job that puts a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in our mouths (as an added bonus it's a job I like). I have enough time to spend with friends and family and to indulge my love of writing (or rather my need to create). Where I actually live makes no real difference to any of that. Sure shifting is a pain in the butt you'll find no argument from me on that count.
So much of life though is how you look at things. I chose to look at the good and accept what I can't really change. The other thing is I don't know what the future holds. My plans could have had fundamental flaws that I couldn't see. It's even possible something that never entered into my calculations was around the corner.
Something awesome could be coming and who am I to focus just on the crap and not the possibilities.

Choices are what make the difference in life. I have been knocked over so many times that after I get over my initial frustration or disappointment I think to myself 'is that all you've got world?' You say I can't have it, I say 'you watch me get better'. I choose to look at what I've got, I choose to say I am not going to give up.
I choose to open my eyes to possibilities. Which means when I pick up a book that I'd put aside a while ago, I can see clearly a new idea that jumps in front of me. Two days ago I was frustrated. Today I am excited for the future. Today a new dimension popped into my mind for a new story idea that has been simmering and a new thought for our financial future also bloomed in a corner of my mind.
Sometimes the suckiest things turn out to be the very thing that sharpens the focus.

Tough Mudder

So I am doing this.

Yes I know insane right. 20km mud run with 28 or so insane obstacles along the way.
Thing is exercise has become a largish chunk of my life. I work out several times a week (mostly). Running and I still have a love hate thing going on. I feel good after I do it but I can't get really good times or anything and I think it boils down to the fact I just don't have a runners build. I love the other stuff though, the weights, the cross fit kind of stuff and the boxing. I am fitter than I probably have ever been (except perhaps when I was doing gymnastics).
The benefits of exercise are two fold for me, sure I'm fitter and weigh less than I have in ages but the bigger benefit is the mental one. Maybe saying bigger isn't quite right. See when you look better you feel better, so the weight loss and body toning does have it's own two fold benefit, health wise you are better off and it can affect you mentally as well.
The mental one though is for me, exercise is stress relief. It produces those endorphins that give you that happy feeling. I'm pretty sure it somehow balances any bad chemical things out with good ones. I really don't claim to know how it works but the truth is when I work out I am less stressed and the rest of life then has less chance to get on top of me.

Work vs Study

Study is something I don't mind doing. In fact I quite like it I like learning new things. The problem for me is that the study of what I am doing is... well to put it simply I am over it.
We had 14 weeks of study then 6 mths on the job. Last week I finished a week of prac and to go back to study was quite hard. In fact it was more than that it was frustrating.
The thing is I know there is heaps I don't know but I also real feel I won't learn much more until I'm on the job. The fact I still have tests to sit and scenario days to get through just feels like a drag. I can't help but feel nervous about the scenarios because I have a tendency to over think things. There is so much about scenario training I don't like. Working with actors doesn't rank anywhere near a concern, my problem is I'm more inclined to believe the actors especially after being told there are certain things we just can't do like smoke to indicate a fire so the actors will tell you what is going on. So then when an actor tells me something that sounds like it might be part of the scenario I wonder if that is what the point is. Only to be told I shouldn't listen to the actors. Arrrrgghhh! I did it when I did the scenarios for my first aid training and I found myself doing it again for the course, I over think.
I really just want to get through the next two weeks.
I can't tell you how nice it is though to be home at nights now. For the last, however long I have been rehearsing or performing, so I have been out a lot and that in itself was draining. Now though I am home, and will be till I start night shifts.
I still like to learn things but I guess I really am over study at the moment. I just want to get into it, I know there is so very much I don't know and I wonder why they have us learning certain things the way they do. Despite this frustration I guess I know they have to teach it this way and I won't give up now... what would be the point I'm so close to finishing.
The good thing I suppose is that I at least can see the end. Sometimes in life we go through shit and we go as far as we think we can before giving up without realising that the goal we'd been going towards really was just around the next bucket of crap.
Persevere, I guess that is the point of this post. You may never know how close you are to the end of the bad and the start of the good.
Hang in there, that's the best advice I've got for you at the moment.

Learning

It appears that I have actually started learning something.
I'm not talking about the stuff I need to learn as part of my course, I'm talking about one of those skills that sometimes in the past has evaded me.
There have been times in my life when that switch between thinking and saying has been on the wrong setting. Times I've said things I probably shouldn't have. Oh they haven't been terrible things but rather things like 'oh so if you're happy with your 10 year old reading books with sex in them...' to a father, who was totally shocked. Things like that are maybe not prudent to say but still fun. No question about it, sometimes it's fun to say things you know you shouldn't.
The thing is throughout this course I have managed to not say things several times. It's like in some ways I'm also not as impatient with things. This could be because things are still so very new, but maybe, just maybe I can grab hold of this little thing I appear to be cultivating and continue to keep it as a skill in my life.
The course has good moments and bad ones. The bad ones are really the boring ones. There are just some parts of the course that are sleep inducing. And to be honest I wasn't happy with the unit that told me to eat healthy, exercise and go to the dr for regular check-ups, no offence sir but I'm nearly 40 and nowhere near the oldest person in our class and you are treating us like we are kids again.
Such is life though. I got through it, it's not something I'm going to have to think about again and I can move on. There have also been some really interesting sessions and I'm glad I've gotten to sit through those.
There is a satisfaction you get when you achieve something new. This is a feeling I like. I like to learn and I like to accomplish. Don't we all.
Actually I suppose there are people who don't but they don't know what they are missing out on. Learn something new. Stretch yourself, it is a good feeling.

And Again

I just don't know how time gets away from me.
This year has just blasted by. So much to do, so many changes.
I finish in retail this week and believe me this is something I am totally ready for and absolutely looking forward to. My new job will be a challenge and a career change. This is a good thing.
How do I know this? I just do.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance.
Is this where I thought I would be at this stage of my life? Hell no. I truly believed God had called me to do certain things but if He had/has they haven't happened yet. Am I devastated by this? Not even a little bit. I have attacked some of those things to the best of my ability and you know from a slightly different perspective you could say they have come about, just not the way I expected. That's the thing though, what God means and how we interpret it can sometimes be two vastly different things.
A better question, rather than focusing on where a younger me hoped I would be, is am I happy?
Yes. Without a doubt that answer is yes.
I am blessed with a man who knows me, dare I say understands me, and somehow still loves me. He is my strength and support. When I am down he drags me up and lets me fall apart if I need to.
I have two children who I love even when they bug me to distraction, they make me proud and swamp me with love.
I have done many things, I have experienced life, I get to write. I have even had a job that at one time was one of my dream jobs.
It's all a matter of perspective really. Sure others would look at my life and wonder at the struggles but me I see the strengths and blessings that have come through that. I wouldn't swap what I have for success as the world sees it financially because without my family I couldn't possibly be this happy and to change any one of the things in my life could change what I have and that wouldn't be worth it. It really wouldn't.

So...

A little while ago I felt a prompting to apply for the army reserves, came a little from left field as I have no real desire to serve my country or join what is clearly still a boys club, but I thought why the hell not, it will give me the challenge I am looking for in my life and give me the chance to give a little something back. With all the advertising they are doing at the moment it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get in.
Sure the physical side of things was going to be a push (sprints being the difficultly, I way surpassed the requirement for sit-ups and push ups) and I was nervous about the initial testing because it's been ages since I've sat psychometric testing. Thing was I passed with flying colours, I could apply for anything I wanted with the only exceptions being the stuff you have to be male for. So far so good you would think.
Not so. After testing I get a letter saying I've been rejected on medical grounds. Would you like to know the reason - self harm, because I cut myself over a short period of time 17 years ago I was immediately discounted as a candidate. You better believe that this bothered me on several grounds so I immediately appealed.
My arguments being that it occurred briefly a very long time ago, I was never officially diagnosed with anything, I haven't had a problem with this in over 15 years and in the meantime I've been able to offer up my shoulder to those with similar problems to what I had.
This isn't enough though, my rejection letter to my appeal stated; 'The stresses of service in the Defence force are considerable and often greater than faced in normal civilian life. Experience has taught the ADF that anyone with a history of depressive illness or adjustment disorder associated with self harm, such as yours, has a high likelihood of recurrence during military service, often as early as initial training.'
So in other words my life is stress free and if I start basic training I will probably fall apart and even want to cut myself again.
Wow!
They obviously have no idea how difficult it can be to be part of a low income family, and are unfamiliar with the concept of changing your life. Other things I would like to point out at his stage are; 17 years is as long as some of their recruits have been alive (I don't even get a second chance because of that!) and I know how to iron clothes (check out some of the new recruit videos where they say they have to teach some of them how to iron because they don't know how).
As far as I was concerned the whole process had big flaws in it. Firstly they wouldn't accept my uni transcripts because, well I had to prove I finished year nine and uni transcripts didn't do that. In life a degree always trumps a lower high school graduation certificate. Good grief at my interview the interviewer looked at the jobs I was interested in and said I couldn't do PR because I would need a degree in journalism or something (I promptly handed my degree over before saying lets just concentrate on the reserves not full time at the moment).
The other big problem I have with the process is that in all the questions self harm is lumped in with suicide attempts, now I don't know what psychs they have on the pay roll but not everyone who self harms wants to die. The first nurse I spoke to said it shouldn't be a problem because it was so mild and so long ago, the second one (after the first rejection letter) said self harm is an automatic rejection and I shouldn't have been told that however a letter from my Dr saying they hadn't treated me for depression or self harm, as well as a letter outlining what/when/how I've overcome should be enough to see the decision overturned. At most they both informed me I may need to discuss the matter with an army psych. Well guess what...never happened. I got the second rejection letter with no one even contacting me. They simply decided that something I did nearly half a lifetime ago meant I was unstable and unable to cope with something I determined would be a good thing to do with my life.
In other words the 17 year old who had both mummy and daddy take him to his first session is a better candidate that I am. (Though to be perfectly clear I don't know if he did get in).
They did say I could appeal the decision if I wanted but that would require me paying a shrink to dissect my past and give me a letter saying they believe I can cope, then I have to be interviewed by the army and jump through a bunch of hoops, and even then there is no guarantee that I would be accepted because that would then rely upon how competitive I was for the position I applied for and how many other candidates they had. Good grief! This coming on the back of my initial testing that gave me the all clear to apply for army intelligence officer if I wanted to (which one of the other candidates had informed me meant testing in the top 5% or so), and with me having researched the job I applied for and knowing they needed 13 positions filled and only had 7 candidates in the current pool.
Bottom line is I could have coped, if I was as fragile as they seemed to think surely a form letter saying they understand I will 'be greatly disappointed' with their decision, would do significant damage. Still it's simply another step in life for me and I think it's their loss. There are plenty of other bricks to kick over and ways to achieve goals like challenging yourself. In the mean time my fitness is better than it has ever been and my body is so much better to look at (I'm even starting to see abdominal definition). Something will come along.

Life Marches On

Well this week was trying. That is the nicest way to put it. My frustration with work seems to be on an ever increasing curve. Any one who has ever working in retail knows that some customers are just a pain in the butt. I know this, I've dealt with my fair share of them. One particularly painful one this week caused me more than a little grief, and has solidified my desire to find a new job.
Truthfully I feel as though my brain basically turns to mush when I go to work. The only time I really think is when I'm writing during my moments at the register. Shelving and asking 'Is there anything I can help you with today?', requires exactly no thought power what so ever. I could probably do it in my sleep.
So this week I updated my CV, not just made sure that all the details were up to date but gave it a complete overhaul. So now I am in possession of a great and professional looking CV.

There's just one thing sitting in the back of my mind, and in more honest moments like now more at the front. I am close to 40. I have lived and worked in two countries, I have a degree and an associate diploma and I've run my own small business but... It's the but that keeps creeping up on me. Who is going to give a woman of my age a chance at a new career? Do I think I can do these jobs I'm applying for? Sure? Will there be things I need to learn? Sure but every new job is like that. I'm not a stupid person but I am passionate and have my dreams, and I'm not ready to let them go, it's just I'm ready to find a different way to live while still working on them. I want to learn more things. I want to do more things. I want a change and a challenge. I thrive on a challenge. I love to be pushed. But... who is going to look beyond a CV filled mostly with retail and hospitality experience to the potential I believe I have? 

Sometimes I want to jump up and down and say 'experience in life counts', and 'I've been working since I was 10' (my first job was stacking shelves), 'my work ethic is solid just give me a chance'.

Here I am; sitting at my desk on a Saturday night, blogging and applying for jobs, in between doing dishes, being a mother and wanting to write all night instead of thinking I'd better go to bed earlier than that because my munchkins will want my attention on the morrow. 

Life, it surely does march on. Here's to challenge, focus, passion and a drive to do something more.

Yet Another Goal

If someone had told me 18 months ago that I would become fitness obsessed I would have probably collapsed laughing in their face. Funny what happens when you get angry enough with someone but aware enough to know you need to find a healthy way to deal with it.

That is why I started running... because I didn't want to take my stress and bad mood out on my family, they didn't deserve it. Various people told me I would love running, it would make me feel so great. Well that never happened. I got to need it, if I didn't go I felt terrible. At least physically it was working for me and definitely filled the title of stress reliever, but it was never something I really enjoyed.

Then we stumbled across this guy who posted get fit clips on youtube and somehow his short little workouts inspired me. Sure they were brutal but manageable at least once I'd done them a few times. Then came to buying of my own weights and I discovered something I really enjoyed. Oh don't get me wrong, the idea of going to a gym does not inspire me. In fact it is something that has rather the opposite effect. Weights though and cardio while I'm watching tv, now that I can do almost every night.

This fitness thing then led me to applying for the reserves, speaking of which I have my first interview next week, so in less than a weeks time I will know if I'm going through to the next round.

It seems though that my fitness focus is not yet over. My very dear friend Jodie came around last night and told me we were going to do this event called Tough Mudder. I was sure she had never mentioned it before, she insisted she had, a fact that in the grand scheme of things is neither her nor there. She described it to me, I looked it up and am now a little obsessed with being able to achieve this massive insane thing.

So it appears as if the power that is, is not yet finished with my fitness overhaul.

An 18-20 km run broken up by a whole heap of military style obstacles. Totally insane and yet here I sit planning out both my military physical training and now beyond to Mudder. It's a good thing Mudder isn't coming my way until next year.

Happy 40th birthday Kylie (yeah I know most girls would treat themselves to clothes, jewellery or accessories). Welcome to my party.

Resolutions

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I kind of don't see the point. I like the intention but the idea of forming them the way people do, as often unattainable challenges for the year, well I don't see the point. However I do find the change of year a good time to evaluate life. Where it's going, what I'm doing and am I any closer to achieving what I want out of it.
The last few years I've really felt that THIS year is the year things are going to change for us and we will get our breakthrough. Needless to say we are still here and there hasn't been anything I would consider to be a breakthrough. Survival yes, breakthrough, not so much. So I've decided not to seek out a breakthrough this year. In fact I'm going to do my best to ignore the thought all together. Now that I've voiced it though it may not be so easy.
In the past I've decided I'm going to be more organised, somehow it never really lasts. This year I've just started being more organised. I write down certain things I need to do and make sure I do them. I know simple really isn't it. Always is when I start and I always start with the best intentions. I've managed it for two weeks so far.
The other thing is I think I need a career change. I know I want one. The way I'm thinking of going  isn't a place I've thought of going before and if it wasn't for a chance encounter then I never would have considered it. Now I've done more than consider it, I've researched it and when the applications open I'm going for it. I still want to be a writer and act but I really want something that will challenge me and do more than put the food on the table. A house would be nice too. The thing with decisions like this is they often require great change. They require the willingness to leap out into the great unknown and take a chance.
A bit like faith in a way. We all know I struggle with that. I feel that many times I've flung myself out there and only just survived by the tips of my fingers. This year though seems like it may be a year of guts, courage and the ability to shut your eyes and say 'to hell with it'. My thoughts at this point are 'I hope you are in this God but I'm not waiting for you to say yay or nay, I'm flinging myself at this door anyway. If it's nay it'll hurt when I slam into the door but at least I will have tried.'
This year may not be a year of failed resolutions or breakthrough, but I hope at least to look back on it in 12 months and know it was the year I did my best.

Uh Oh...

The new year is here and Christmas already seems so very far away. It all seems as though things are right back to normal, sadly. There are so many things I wish would be or will turn out different this year. Most notably I think I'd like a little more good stuff and not so much struggling, though I know that in no way am I the only one struggling.
Already I'm working on part of me that I don't always do so well and that is the part that lets things go and relax. There is just one problem with that...I have a somewhat addictive personality and I get addicted to things like video games. We have a new game we have started, the game isn't new but is to us, and I am happy to sit there for ages and play. Of course then I feel bad about not working in that time on other things that may at some point give me success in other areas.
It's hard, that's all there is to it. If I want to have break throughs I have to work for them, but then in doing that something else has to give because I also have to work and make sure I spend time with my family. At times like this I really do wish there were a few more hours in the day.

Parenting the Minefield

Three weeks since I last blogged here and on my writing blog, of course I have been really busy with the review site TheKylieVerse.

Miss 3 has recovered well from her surgery and is very glad to be back at school, now other issues have surfaced. She is getting quite physical and has been told on more than several occasions to not hit her sister. We've gone down the 'not bullying' path and the 'it's not nice' path and yet sometimes she just goes back to that default setting. It's at times like that when I really wonder just how bad a parent I am.

Then I remember that parenting is a bit like walking through a minefield. You can never quite always know where the problems are going to explode. It would of course be so much easier if we did. She is strong and stubborn and won't be cowed by anyone which will be great traits for her to grow in to, if we can encourage her the right way.

This of course is also one of the joys of parenting - watching them grow and finding the little things they excel at and then hopefully finding ways to encourage those traits. Having said that Miss 8 has just decided she is going to be a tattoo artist. We went out and added different colours to her tattoo pen collection - I wonder if that makes us good or bad parents?

A New Year

Okay it's the second day of the new year. Wow where have the last 10 years gone? So anyway resolutions always seem like a good idea but I'm not sure they bind you to anything much. Despite that there are a few things I'd like to do this year. One is go on a proper holiday with my family. I'd also like to get published and exercise my actor but those two goals never change, I will as always continue to slog away at them. After so long I sometimes wonder why I haven't given up, there should be only so much rejection one can take. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. They are two things in my life I can't not do. I didn't act for three years and it was so hard but at least I had my writing. I could in no way give up both. Of course I want to get paid to do those things but even without pay I am driven to do them, so I continue to do what I can while also working to pay the bills. Good thing I love my job.

Anyway I have some more serious topics to look at shortly but for now I want to say thank you for sharing this journey with me and I wish for you the blessings of peace and joy and the hope of dream fulfillment for the coming year.

May God bless you