Time Out

I took some time out today. Purely spent some time and money on myself. It was a bonus that my family chose to join me. I threw myself into other people's creativity and it was good.
I am tired and not at all sure I feel like going to work tomorrow but I feel good.
Of course it was good that I stuck to my budget. That is always a positive thing.
On the down side, if there is a down side - I started a new collection today - I bought signed prints from illustrators. I now need frames for all my pics and illustrations.
Time out is a very important thing. There are times in our lives we need to just step away from our commitments and allow ourselves to breathe.
This works best of course if you can pick a thing to do and stick to a budget. So much easier said than done. It can be very easy to fall into this leisure zone and stay there. That's when there is trouble because that is when budgets get blown and stress levels increase.
That will not be happening to me at the moment because I stuck to my budget. However a new collection could prove costly. I am ever so thankful that God blessed me with the ability to budget and stick to it.
Thank you God for good financial management and the ability to take some time away for me.

Grasping at Straws

'Hi this is your real estate agent you have 60 days to vacate, bye'.
Well that sux.
We really thought we'd have these 12 months to save so we could just move into a place of our own. It turns out not. Things just aren't that simple in our lives.
I've finally settled into the new job, though there is still so very much to learn, but I''m comfortable enough to do overtime. This was going to kickstart our savings. Now though this is not an option.
So we find ourselves in a kinda nowhere land. Rentals are damn difficult to get and the cost of getting into another rental is so close to what we would have to pay for a mortgage that it would negate our ability to save or severely restrict it. But we are looking. We are also looking at buying, With my new income we have to ability to get a loan but the problem is we only seriously started doing this saving thing since January and banks won't look at us seriously till we've 3 months of proof that we can save, 6 weeks just isn't good enough.
Still we've been looking.
The problem we really have is that we are in a big place, we have certain needs that mean a normal 4 x 1 or 2 won't suit. Believe me we've looked. I will probably have to sacrifice my office but I can live with that. I won't be the first writer to use the kitchen table. And I suppose I can put my books into storage (I'm not sure I am in a place to sell them). We still need a place for hubby to run the business from home and the only places we've seen so far have tiny little spaces that simply won't work.
Then yesterday something happened. God spoke to me. I really felt His presence for the first time in ages. Not that I haven't prayed till yesterday. I pray often but without question I have felt a distance in my faith. I still have no home church but I haven't been willing to walk away from my faith. I believe in God I just don't get along with the church (if you've read my blog you know about my struggles here).
Anyway, yesterday I was just praying for peace about the whole situation, that God would have the right place for us. And I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I felt God saying He was in control and that I needed to dare to dream and to trust Him.
Well we were looking in an area we'd never considered but someone had told us a property was about to go on the market that would be in our price range. It's an area we've thought might not be a bad one to be in before, so that seemed good. Of course the person that told us about it knew nothing about the house yet. So that was a possible we could work with that. Dare to dream.
Then on the way home we received a call from the real estate agent of the house we are currently in saying it had been valued lower than we were expecting and it would totally be within our price range. Stunned is the only word to describe what we felt. Dare to dream. This would make things so much better for us. We wouldn't have to pack and move and shift the girls (they love the school they are in), it even suits our bizarre needs.
Our mortgage broker gave us a plan.
We took it to the agent feeling positive and he said the owner probably wouldn't go for it because he wanted get it all done in a much shorter time that would really work for us.
Crushed. Frustrated. Annoyed. These words are all apt to describe the way I was and am feeling. So much for Dare to Dream. I just have had enough of having things in our grasp and having them ripped away.
So today has been a days of ups (Valentine's Day with my hubby) and downs.
I keep telling myself that the owner hasn't said no yet or that there is something better out there. I keep repeating God is in control, if He wants us to have this house it will happen. I keep hoping for a miracle, one that really doesn't involve having to find a short term rental.  In the meantime trying to figure out the best plan of action is frustrating at best.
PS. If anyone knows of a place like the one in the picture that will fit our budget then please let us know.

Learning Curves

I thought it had been 2 weeks since I last wrote, turns out it is 3.
My life is in such a learning curve at the moment. Sure there is the new job, most people in the job reckon it'll be 2 years till you start to feel like you have a handle on things. I'm clarifying things about myself though and that is a good thing, or at least I think it is. Some people may not feel that way, I get that. Learning about yourself can be scary because we tend to live with bits of ourselves hidden in the shadows, most of us don't like to admit we have darker corners of our lives.
I work in an environment where people are who spend most of their time with the darker corners of their lives. It sometimes get you thinking.
People say their kids are their lives, but how can they be when they blow things by thinking one dose of party drugs won't hurt, or that person has a really nice tv I want that. I see people who live for themselves until they are caught by that then they suddenly remember there are other things to live for.
Me I would do anything for my kids and I don't have to worry that there is anything false in me saying that. I took a difficult job so I could ultimately spend more time with them and provide better for them. I would go to the wall for my kids and I know it without a doubt. How sad then to think about those who clearly have moments when they think that and others when they don't, who then get surprised when no-one believes them. I am grateful my kids will never have reason to question how important they are to me. (And yes I am fully aware there will come a time they will hate me.)
That is a positive that is reaffirmed in my life all the time.
There is however, a part of me that is a real cynic. A part of me that goes, 'you're kidding right!' I knew this part of me existed, it is the very reason I think I would make a terrible counsellor. I hear 'but I'm having relationship problems and think 'how does that make you special?' I hear how cruel the system is and I think 'how stupid are you to keep doing the thing that got you into trouble in the first place?' I hear 'I can't afford #####, you'll have to do it for me' and think 'why? if it happened to me and I can't afford it no-one will get it for me.'
This is the darker side of me. The side that probably wars with that 'good christian' who must be there some where. I embrace this about myself though. It makes me who I am but also puts a different spin on things to the one most christians would have.
We often make the mistake of believe God to be this great goody two shoes in the sky. C'mon admit it, you know that stereotype is there. This is the one that says 'everyone should get another chance', that 'everyone is good'. There comes a time though when the chances are up. Not everyone is always going to get another chance. There isn't an unlimited amount of time for things to happen in. You can't keep making crap choices and expect God to wipe the slate clean at the last minute. Why should he make everything easy for you once you finally admit to screwing up? Why should life be easy for you once you admit to being a screw-up?
We are responsible for our own actions, and it frustrates me immensely when people constantly blame others for their lot in life. No not everyone is as gifted academically but that doesn't mean they can't learn something. I'm not gifted as a teacher - several of my extended family members are, that doesn't mean I can't teach my girls how to make good lifestyle choices. I can't play music (very well) so I don't try. Others I know can't act so they don't get up on a stage. I was not born into a family with much money. In fact I have lived off welfare at various times in my life and I didn't feel that society owed me anything. It is always possible to improve yourself in someway. Life is about choices. It is about knowing yourself and sometimes the most important things we can learn are about our darker sides. If we know where our weaknesses are we can make choices to go a different way.
Me, I need to make sure my cynicism doesn't drown out my ability to empathise and care. I need to constantly feed that positive and brighter side of my life to balance out the dark.
We are comprised of shades and choices. Choose wisely and don't be afraid to look into the hidden corners, you may find knowing yourself better shows you strengths you never knew you had.
My cynicism makes it possible for me to deal more impartially with people than those who want to constantly believe in the good of people, or those who want to judge.

AHHHHH!!!!

I'm back studying. The first three months of my new job are the course part of the traineeship and so I find myself back in a classroom.
Can't say I ever really thought that would happen.
Some of it is hard to get through but that's just because by nature the topic is pretty dry, still it's stuff we have to know.
We have also had two written assessments and I have to say it seems that the skills I've cultivated with my writing and blogging have meant studying skills haven't left me entirely. I still have a pretty good study ethic and ability.
Right now though I have to admit there is a part of me that is wishing I hadn't committed to a play just before this all started. I did it because really I was pissed with missing out on the play I wanted to do because of the date of my brothers wedding and I think this will be the last one I do for quite a while as my new job involves shift work. It's not a big part, in fact it is three really small parts and at the moment I'm not needed every night of rehearsals but still the drive is time consuming and a little frustrating when you have to go so far for so few lines.
I'm liking it though. The challenge, the opportunity to push myself. I have to admit to being a little scared though, just a bit. This job is outside anything I've ever done or considered doing and so there is a part of me that is worried about totally stuffing it up.
Apart from all that though, God is still showing me his presence even though according to some I can't be a christian because of some of the things I believe. And while I am not about to go into details there is a part of me that finds it really interesting that I am in a place I never thought I would be and yet without those previously mentioned beliefs I wouldn't be able to help like I can. And no I am not going to tell you anything more than that. The only real point of bringing that up was to let you know that even when you struggle God can meet you where you least expect it. It's those little touches that allow me hope and we all need hope.

Resolutions

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I kind of don't see the point. I like the intention but the idea of forming them the way people do, as often unattainable challenges for the year, well I don't see the point. However I do find the change of year a good time to evaluate life. Where it's going, what I'm doing and am I any closer to achieving what I want out of it.
The last few years I've really felt that THIS year is the year things are going to change for us and we will get our breakthrough. Needless to say we are still here and there hasn't been anything I would consider to be a breakthrough. Survival yes, breakthrough, not so much. So I've decided not to seek out a breakthrough this year. In fact I'm going to do my best to ignore the thought all together. Now that I've voiced it though it may not be so easy.
In the past I've decided I'm going to be more organised, somehow it never really lasts. This year I've just started being more organised. I write down certain things I need to do and make sure I do them. I know simple really isn't it. Always is when I start and I always start with the best intentions. I've managed it for two weeks so far.
The other thing is I think I need a career change. I know I want one. The way I'm thinking of going  isn't a place I've thought of going before and if it wasn't for a chance encounter then I never would have considered it. Now I've done more than consider it, I've researched it and when the applications open I'm going for it. I still want to be a writer and act but I really want something that will challenge me and do more than put the food on the table. A house would be nice too. The thing with decisions like this is they often require great change. They require the willingness to leap out into the great unknown and take a chance.
A bit like faith in a way. We all know I struggle with that. I feel that many times I've flung myself out there and only just survived by the tips of my fingers. This year though seems like it may be a year of guts, courage and the ability to shut your eyes and say 'to hell with it'. My thoughts at this point are 'I hope you are in this God but I'm not waiting for you to say yay or nay, I'm flinging myself at this door anyway. If it's nay it'll hurt when I slam into the door but at least I will have tried.'
This year may not be a year of failed resolutions or breakthrough, but I hope at least to look back on it in 12 months and know it was the year I did my best.

Expectations

I was reading a friends blog the other day. She had recently been to Israel and one of the things she mentioned in passing was that she had expected Jesus to touch her heart when she went to the Via Delorosa and it didn’t happen. Before I go further I’d like to add that I don’t think she did anything wrong and I’m not criticising her in any way, she was simply writing what she felt and in fact if anything, her words broke through a barrier I’ve been struggling with, so thank you for your honesty.

Anyway it got me thinking, as things sometimes do. Do we expect the wrong things from God? I don’t think this is a case of expecting too much, what could be too much for the God who can raise the dead and create life? I am however fairly convinced that we expect wrong. I know it doesn’t sound like very good English but it’s the best way to put it.

For those who have been to a charismatic or Pentecostal church in the last – however many years, you will be familiar with the ‘name it claim it’ teaching, which, from what I can gather basically stems from a couple of verses – ‘Ask and you shall receive’ (Lk 11: 9a & 10a) and; ‘You do not have because you do not ask God.’ (James 4:2)

The thing is I wonder if we’ve begun to treat or expect faith to work this way. Do we expect God to work our way on our timetable? I know I’ve been guilty of this. In fact even though I try not to be I know I still am. I’m convinced God created me with the gifts of acting and writing yet no door to lifestyle security has been opened that way and for those keeping track no door to creative satisfaction has been opened through the church either (though if I’m honest I’ve pretty much given up looking for that). More than anything there are times this confuses and frustrates me, still I keep going and I wonder if, in some way, that isn’t the point.

No where in the Bible do I recall (though tonight is the first time in a long time that I’ve picked mine up) are we told that if we believe in God he will do it all for us. So to this end I question how much damage the ‘name it claim it’ theology has done. How lazy, how complacent have we become? It doesn’t even require much effort or study to see the error in it. In fact just read a little longer.

When you ask you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives… James 4:3

Hmmm…I don’t recall much focus on motives when we are told to ask and God will provide.

So I say unto you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened. Luke 11:9&10

Yes asking is part of the process (but have you weighed up your motives before asking? We don’t really like to think about those do we?) but it doesn’t end there. There are in fact three very clear steps : ask; seek; knock. And hear I’m going to say something I’m sure I haven’t heard from a church – Just asking and receiving an answer doesn’t mean you’ll end up with whatever you want in your hands.

For example: Dear God can I please have 10 million dollars? God – Yes. Okay so I’ve asked and He has answered, yet the money is still not in my hands.

Could this be because I haven’t made the effort to seek it out. I haven’t worked towards the goal. Neither have I actually knocked on the door to opportunity so it can be opened and I can put the money in my bank account or under the bed if you feel that’s safer.

We expect God to do for us and yet we don’t want to do anything to get for ourselves. We may do well to remember some of the verses in the Bible that provide balance and caution in regards to this dangerous teaching.

We were taught to pray : ‘Your will be done’ – Matt 6:10a

Jesus prayed before dying : ‘Yet not as I will but as you will’ – Matt 26:39a

‘Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive. – 1 Cor 10:23

Yes asking is important, I’m not saying we shouldn’t ask. Asking acknowledges a need and opens the door to possibilities. It is, however, not our sole responsibility. We have to be proactive in pursuit. Remember only one of the three can be achieved by sitting on our butts, in a corner, with our eyes closed and hands held together, in the five seconds we allocate to God in a day. Seeking and knocking, well they require us to put some time, thought and effort into it.

What A Wake Up

Today has been strange.

I found out today something I thought was going good in my life may not be quite what I thought. This thing was something I believed God wanted me to do and something that would change things for us for the better. That's not the strange thing though. This morning when I started my morning prayer time, something I do before getting out of my comfortable bed, God spoke to me.

Now I realise for some reading this, that may seem off the wall to say the least, but it's not the first time He has and I'm sure it won't be the last. This morning though He said I want you to read Romans 8:28. I'm thinking really, why? I know what it says, i read it last night. I was told again to read it.

While I'm not the best at reading my bible regularly or even recently going to church, I do try to be obedient when God speaks, which some means some people really don't understand some of the decisions I've made.

So I read it.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Rms 8:28)

At the time it didn't mean anything specific, it is a familiar verse and I thought God just wanted me to refresh it. Hours later after a few hours worrying about what I found out, my husband told me it wasn't as bad as I thought and God had lead me to that point.

Duh!

Even then it took me a bit of repeating the verse for it to really sink in. It doesn't matter what the situation looks like on the surface, God sees the bigger picture and He is always behind the scenes working things out, even though to us it may not look like it at the time.

In so many things in life we can get complacent, and while I wouldn't say my faith was complacent will say that my understanding of that verse had become form - something I knew and could quote, but not something I was truly holding onto - and when life has you clinging on by the finger tips, as I seem to have been doing, that can be a very bad thing.

Surely in this case the proof is there clearly to see. I had no idea what today would bring, but God did, and He knew if He didn't let me know He had his hand on the situation I could very well fall apart.

Thankyou God for having your hand on me even when I'm sleeping, and your eyes on the path in front of me for those times it gets a bit rough.