#AlwaysKeepFighting

I could have sworn I'd posted more recently here. Clearly not. I must have been imagining things. Well it wouldn't be the first time.
This year has already been so busy. Work, kids growing older, writing, fitness, family, friends. Life really.
I'd like to say it has all been awesome, after all the crap that happened last year. But it hasn't. And you know what, that is life. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Life can be wonderful, or terrible. The trick is to embrace both and get hung up on neither.
See the terrible can open doors to realisations - a friendship that needs more time because it is limited, a person you need to walk away from because you simply don't need that much toxic in your life.
The wonderful can give you hope - that dreams can come true, that you're not too old, or too anything else, to do what you want.
They balance each other out. If you focus too heavily on the bad you struggle to see the good and if you float too much on the great then when the bad happens the crash is so much harder to recover from.

Today is not a great day for me, I feel down, a bit frustrated and to be honest a little depressed. For no real reason I might add. Depression can be like that. My head can be a rather fucked up place to be. Part of me wants to do nothing but curl up in bed and sleep, or maybe read. I don't want to deal with the kids, I don't want to talk to hubby. I just want to hide myself away from it all.
But I won't. I'm lucky, my depression is mild in the grand scheme of things, and I've been living with it for so long I have a pretty decent handle on how to deal with it: I throw myself into writing; I make sure I push aside the grump and hug my kids, embrace something awesome about them and smile with them; I apologise for my crappy mood to my hubby, who blessedly understands and knows how to hold me steady; and yes I read, immerse myself in someone else's world for a while; I even make myself exercise.
In other words I try to do things that are normal for me. I try to smile, not the fake 'everything is alright' bullshit smile but a real, right down inside kind of smile.
Sometimes these bouts of depression last days, sometimes only hours. I'm lucky. Like I said my experience is only mild. Others don't have it so lucky. For others the suffocating grey encroaches their day or night, it pulls them downwards and inwards to the point they just can't be bothered with anything. Telling them to buck up isn't the answer. Allowing them to talk can help. Just sitting with them can do wonders. Don't try to fix them. If you can get them help great. For some that comes in the form of medication or counselling, if that could be the answer encourage them. Mostly I think it is important for them to not feel alone. Allow them to be real about their feelings. If they feel like crap that's not wrong, it just is. Hold them and love them through it.
This world we live in can be hard. So many put so much of themselves out there that the rest of us  wonder what the hell we are doing wrong. My life isn't as together as such and such's. My butt isn't as perfect as hers. He just posted a pic of his ripped abs, well I can't do that. She always has such good days and great luck. I'll never get the opportunities he gets. Why should I bother when I can't compete with that. Their kids are so well behaved. My kid is so moody yet hers is just perfect - what am I doing wrong?

You know what, STOP!
I mean it. Stop trying to compare yourself to others. I reckon if people were to social media truthfully the picture would be very different. We would then realise most people don't have it all together. We only pick and choose the good bits to share. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people should air their dirty laundry on line. I think we do it because we want to see which side of the argument or whatever is more popular. We need to stop oversharing and stop thinking all the positive means everyone but us has it all together.
See social media is like that old chestnut 'how are you?' People who ask that mostly don't want to know. They want you to say 'great how are you?' It is pointless small talk and not meant for truth. I went through a phase where I would ignore that question or say, 'I don't know you so I don't feel I have to answer that', or something similar. It was funny, someone got really upset with me one day for not answering that question, they didn't know how to cope when I didn't play their game.
But I digress. Don't base your happiness around what people post. They may be feeling terrible but doing everything they can to protect some image they believe they have. Unless you really know someone, you don't know them. Most of us have no idea how much our acquaintances struggle everyday. There are certainly enough things to struggle with - perceptions, popularity, protecting our image, weight, beauty… the list goes on.
Just be you. If you feel down today find someone to talk to, or just to hug you. If you don't know anyone find a group, if you don't want to do that, message me. The grey and cold don't last, they don't have to last. You don't need to go it alone. Picking yourself up isn't always easy but you can do it. Look for that hand that is their just waiting for you to grab and grab it. Have someone's back or let someone have yours.
#AlwaysKeepFighting

I'm Not Dead Yet

Those four words were my mantra yesterday.
I'm not dead yet.
Every time I got asked 'How you going Kylie?' or words to that effect, my answer was 'I'm not dead yet.'
How or why did it get to that point?
Yesterday I completed my second Tough Mudder. Some will say, 'you crazy woman', others 'go you'. I'm good with both.

Yesterday though was a bigger challenge for me than the actual race. Some very good friends of mine, and teammates, were injured and unable to run this year. This hit me in a very strange way. I realised that this would mean I would be running with a bunch of people for whom fitness is their competitive centre. This made me nervous, I do these events to challenge myself and because, running for the sake of running is something that simply doesn't appeal to me. I like the obstacles.
The map came out and I got excited again. The day drew closer and I got nervous again. Yesterday morning I was both.
I met the new team members.

Where was Josh? 

We laughed and got psyched up. We jumped the wall into the starting box.

We heard the spiel and said the Oath.
I will not whine, kids whine.
Then we went.

I felt good but it wasn't long before the others hit their stride as the pack spread out and I kept up for a km or so but my running time simply isn't very fast. I started to get disheartened. That is a bad headspace to be in. This whole thing is about challenging yourself, not being better than or even as good as everybody else. What an unreasonable expectation to put on oneself.
The problem with being someone like me is I hate being the weakest link. I hate letting others down and that is how I felt. I felt as though I was letting the team down.
Don't get me wrong there was nothing in my team's behaviour that made me feel that way, it was all in my head. But my head can be a messed up place to be. Once you start a downward spiral like that it can be damn difficult to pull yourself out.

Fe wouldn't let me sink, she recognised my mental struggle and kicked my butt, mentally and physically, that's what good friends do, they know how to help you, even when you try to push them away.
I kept going. I wasn't going to let the run beat me. I said I may not be fast but I could definitely do the distance. If they wanted to get out ahead, I didn't mind. They didn't leave me. I came up with a different strategy. I don't need to rest a lot. I'm a stubborn thing. I decided the best way I could help the team was to run while I could, if they needed to stop to get out stones I would head off knowing it wouldn't take them long to catch up. It was the best plan I could think of to not slow them down.
'How you going Kylie?'
'I'm not dead yet.'

I was determined. But my head wasn't making it easy for me, I came off an obstacle I'd made it over every other time. My head said, 'You're too old for this.', 'Why did you bother?'. Deep inside me fought back with 'shut the f*&% up, I'm not dead yet.'
There was an obstacle I really wanted to succeed at, and it didn't matter that more than half the people I saw attack it came off, when I came off I was frustrated and annoyed, 'What did you expect, you're just not good at this.'
'F*&% off, I'm not dead yet.'
I wrenched an arm slightly coming down a wall and I didn't care, because it was a minor inconvenience nothing more. Those obstacles are the part of it I love, and I can help with them. I can be a team player. At some point in time I realise I am the oldest in our team by a bit, so I told them to kiss my ass. The voice in my head recedes and that is good.
The terrain this year was tougher, I'm sure of it. More hills and definitely more rocks to climb. My knees aren't too fond of stairs and that translates to hills and rocky outcroppings but damn it 'I'm not dead yet.'

Then came my arch nemesis, Everest, damn it more than anything I wanted to beat that one this year. And I nearly did, I even caught the hand of the guys at the top but it wasn't a good enough grip and I slipped. Damn it so I tried again. And tripped on something taking a very heavy fall. Busted up my whole right side rather spectacularly. Everyone else made it. It was a huge blow to my mind but 'I don't care, I'm not dead yet'.
I limped away but shook it off and continued on. My team was awesomely supportive. They pushed me and encouraged me.
Bugger it though, my hand was swelling up and I couldn't  hold onto anything, so try as I might (and I did try) I couldn't beat the next couple of obstacles. You know what though, 'I'm not dead yet.'
I hit the arctic enema.

I loved the Fire in your Hole.

As a repeat Mudder, a Legionnaire, we got another go at Everest, but I had to let it go. Then was the electricity. Others thought having done it before they would go around, me having come that far and fought so damn hard with my own mind, my own fears and insecurities, decided 'I'm not dead yet, let's go'.
I did it. I finished the event. I finished it with a great team. Thank you guys. They even made sure I crossed the line with them.
My mental game didn't finish there though because as I tried to break it all down I became convinced that in some way I was a failure. What a crock. I completed an event that many won't even contemplate doing. How is that failure? Sure it wasn't the fastest time but it was quicker than last year. I got the best injury and I still finished. I'm over forty, I ran a lot of kms (I think the official distance was 18kms) and I beat my own fear of heights and failure.

I got caught in my own insecurities. I let myself focus on the negatives. I'm too old, not fit enough. I'm letting them down.
No one put these thoughts into my head. They are my own perceptions. My own fears. We live in a society where we focus too much on the negative. We are almost better at putting ourselves down. Is it because we think if we do it, it won't hurt when others do? In my case, yeah probably, it's a hang over from my school days of being teased and rejected. All these years later the effects that are mostly gone still pop up every now and then. It's a battle, but it is one you can win. You're not dead yet.

I am 41 years old, I was never very good at sport and yet I have finished two Tough Mudders. Kiss my ass. I am not good with heights, and yet I will climb those damn ladders and jump off that platform. I will throw myself at a suspended cargo net, and a curved wall. I can be injured and I won't give up.
All in all it is a bit like life. The only thing that really matters is how you react to what is in front of you. Your challenges may not be the same as someone else's, so what. You don't need to conform to what someone else dictates. The only person you need to be happy with, and challenge (be better than) is yourself. Don't allow the negative thoughts, the fears and insecurities, rule your actions. Align yourself with others who can help, be that in words of encouragement or kicking your ass (figuratively or literally).
I am not a failure.
I am not dead yet.
There is plenty more fight in me. That is how we face our fears, reach our goals and grab our dreams.
You're not dead yet.

Evaluation

So this year is drawing to an end, it's not really the time we focus on what we have achieved but rather on what gifts we are giving and to whom. Me I feel like a quick evaluation is worth it at this point.
So what have I achieved: I finished my probation period at work and I'm still gainfully employed; I completed Tough Mudder; I vollied at a con and got asked to do others; I got asked to play a bigger role for one of the sites I review for; I am still writing.

Now is not the time to get complacent about any of this, and it would be so easy to do just that. I'm on holiday, Christmas is drawing near and most people are winding down. So lets evaluate and start looking forward to next year.

Me work goes on as normal, mine is not a job particularly altered by Christmas, we still need to work, we don't close down, not even for one day. I will be working Christmas Eve and Christmas night, it is going to be a first for me, for our family but we will manage. The thing is little things like this aren't big in the grand picture of things, it is something that is so very easily worked around. So my next little goal  is to give my kids an awesome Christmas that may be a little different from those of previous years.

I'm currently doing this ridiculous thing called 30 Burpees a Day for 30 Days. And yes it is as ridiculous as it sounds, and yes burpees are horrible things… but it is a goal and it is a good time to have a goal like this because it stops me falling into pre-festive season laziness. For those who may be interested I have signed up to do a Spartan Sprint this year as well as Tough Mudder again, the difference is that the Sprint is shorter and all about your time. So my fitness goals are continuing to have a strong hold on me, though there are days I really just want to not do anything.

I am already looking at the cons I want to do next year and how to work them into my schedule. So this is a goal for next year but the key with a goal like this one is it doesn't have to be a self-centred goal. I figure if I go interstate for something like this why shouldn't I take the family and make it a family holiday at the same time?

Goals simply do not have to be serious - you know work or fitness related. A goal can be anything really that you want to do or achieve. A goal can be fulfilling something silly on your bucket list, if you have. In this case I want to do something nice with my family and combining these two things is a perfect fit. Now if only I can pull it off both financially and with time away from work.

The other thing about goals or dreams is sometimes you have to know when to let go. I have done no acting in the last 12 months and yes I miss it, and yes I'm feeling the urge to get back up on the stage again. The thing is when you evaluate you need to make sure you are not spreading yourself to thin and thereby making yourself useless to those around you.
For me that means something may need to go and well the desire to make it as a writer is stronger than my desire to get back on stage. It is hard enough to get a writing project finished while I'm working full time, if I have decided I'm serious about my writing I'm going to have to put more time into it.

Time is one of those things some of us never seem to have enough of, which really just means we need to manage our time better. After a 12 hr shift though I admit it is really hard to get motivated to doing anything, which is why I'm trying to uses this time of leave to get myself into some good habits, like working out nearly everyday. If I can get my body expecting to workout for a bit whenever I sit my butt down to watch tv, then hopefully it will be easier to do just that.

The same applies with my writing, I need to get myself back to that place where I set myself a goal for every day. There are times when that goal is simply a few words and there are times that it needs to be more than that. I haven't done NaNo this year because I simply didn't think I'd be able to fit it in with everything else I've had vying for my leave time, also because I wanted to work on WIP's not something new.

I will get there because of this mind set:

So I know I need to break my writing into smaller goals, like I have done with my fitness. So my first stage is to complete the first draft of book one, then the first draft of book two, then you know how it goes - editing stages. I also have about 3 other WIP's so each of those can be broken into small goals as well. Hopefully by this time next year I will have some completed manuscripts (at least first drafts if nothing else).

So to sum up my evaluation: I have achieved some awesome things in these last 12 months, some I never ever would have thought I would; and I am in a good place as this year winds down and we head into the new one, I have wonderful things to achieve in my life and I believe I will get there.

I just need to work on them. That's the thing with goals, we need to work on them and not be afraid to sweat for them.

Changes

Life is full of change. The thing is to embrace it.
Not always the easiest thing to do.
We have just shifted. A change and a pain in the butt. The nice thing is though the house we have moved to is an awesome fit for us, for all the baggage and stuff we bring with us. A more ordinary house would not suit us because; well a muso and a writer have certain needs. I am looking forward to the day the boxes are all gone.
The other thing is I've taken the plunge and had some art added to my skin. I get that some people really disagree with tattoos and that's fine. For me the choice was not lightly made. It's something I've thought about for a long time. I know that for many it's just a hip thing to do. For me that had nothing to do with it. I'm about as unhip as you get. I wouldn't know fashion if I fell over it.
For me the choice was very personal and the design I chose was equally personal. The first place I approached tried to suggest I get something that suited them better. 'Hello sunshine this is something that is going to be on my body for ever why would I want to have something I didn't ask for?'
In the end I took my two inspiration pieces to a guy and he designed me the most amazing piece. I put a lot of research into my piece. I know what it means in a general way and I know what it means to me. My piece was inspired by the central character in my fantasy novel. She has many tattoos and they all have very specific meanings.
My tattoo is a promise to myself to continue to work on my novel and one day get it published.

This is so beautiful.

Work is keeping me busy, writing is keeping me busy, when I get the chance to do so. 

I have so many things I still want to do. I want to teach my kids to embrace the excitement of life, of change. You don't need to do what others expect of you. Let's face it I've never been particularly good at making others happy. There are times in your life that you simply need to make a choice about what is the right next step for your life.  I want them to know that to live is to sometimes push yourself outside of your comfort zone. This latter after all is why I'm in training for Tough Mudder. Never in a million years would I have thought this would be something I would do but it is the right thing for me at this time.

Then again I never expected to have the career I've got. Yet it is a job I really like. Being willing to embrace change, to look outside the square is what got me to this stage of my life and it's a place I feel very happy in.

Don't run away from change. Change can bring the most amazing things into your life. Change can bring real beauty. Change stops life becoming stagnant. To really live is to embrace change.

Well That Just Sucks

We should've got our house. Not going to happen it seems. The no is for the sake of two months, or $30 a week, or the inflated tax rate to cover my old uni fees, or the simple fact that I know how to survive without a credit card (which means you end up with no real credit rating).
So all those things I finally got around to unpacking again need to be packed. Totally not my favourite past time.
When I found out I cried. I shouted. I swore. And I ranted at God how is this fair, how is it fair that some people land on their feet all the damn time, they seem to get many of the breaks and people will look at them and go 'well lets see what we can do to sort that for you.' When they look at me it so often seems they try to find all the possible faults, all ways in which we don't fit.
Thing is though, this kind of thing has happened so many damn times in my life that really at this stage it is just kind of boring now.

So for 20 minutes I pitched a fit. Then I accepted the fact my plans had been tossed in the air again only to fall in some random manner at my feet.
I walked out of my shower, got dressed and went and spoke to my family. Within that very short space of time I had gone through a total 180 degree change of attitude.
Why?
Well that's easy really. Because I decided too. I have a family who love me. A job that puts a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in our mouths (as an added bonus it's a job I like). I have enough time to spend with friends and family and to indulge my love of writing (or rather my need to create). Where I actually live makes no real difference to any of that. Sure shifting is a pain in the butt you'll find no argument from me on that count.
So much of life though is how you look at things. I chose to look at the good and accept what I can't really change. The other thing is I don't know what the future holds. My plans could have had fundamental flaws that I couldn't see. It's even possible something that never entered into my calculations was around the corner.
Something awesome could be coming and who am I to focus just on the crap and not the possibilities.

Choices are what make the difference in life. I have been knocked over so many times that after I get over my initial frustration or disappointment I think to myself 'is that all you've got world?' You say I can't have it, I say 'you watch me get better'. I choose to look at what I've got, I choose to say I am not going to give up.
I choose to open my eyes to possibilities. Which means when I pick up a book that I'd put aside a while ago, I can see clearly a new idea that jumps in front of me. Two days ago I was frustrated. Today I am excited for the future. Today a new dimension popped into my mind for a new story idea that has been simmering and a new thought for our financial future also bloomed in a corner of my mind.
Sometimes the suckiest things turn out to be the very thing that sharpens the focus.

Tough Mudder

So I am doing this.

Yes I know insane right. 20km mud run with 28 or so insane obstacles along the way.
Thing is exercise has become a largish chunk of my life. I work out several times a week (mostly). Running and I still have a love hate thing going on. I feel good after I do it but I can't get really good times or anything and I think it boils down to the fact I just don't have a runners build. I love the other stuff though, the weights, the cross fit kind of stuff and the boxing. I am fitter than I probably have ever been (except perhaps when I was doing gymnastics).
The benefits of exercise are two fold for me, sure I'm fitter and weigh less than I have in ages but the bigger benefit is the mental one. Maybe saying bigger isn't quite right. See when you look better you feel better, so the weight loss and body toning does have it's own two fold benefit, health wise you are better off and it can affect you mentally as well.
The mental one though is for me, exercise is stress relief. It produces those endorphins that give you that happy feeling. I'm pretty sure it somehow balances any bad chemical things out with good ones. I really don't claim to know how it works but the truth is when I work out I am less stressed and the rest of life then has less chance to get on top of me.

Work vs Study

Study is something I don't mind doing. In fact I quite like it I like learning new things. The problem for me is that the study of what I am doing is... well to put it simply I am over it.
We had 14 weeks of study then 6 mths on the job. Last week I finished a week of prac and to go back to study was quite hard. In fact it was more than that it was frustrating.
The thing is I know there is heaps I don't know but I also real feel I won't learn much more until I'm on the job. The fact I still have tests to sit and scenario days to get through just feels like a drag. I can't help but feel nervous about the scenarios because I have a tendency to over think things. There is so much about scenario training I don't like. Working with actors doesn't rank anywhere near a concern, my problem is I'm more inclined to believe the actors especially after being told there are certain things we just can't do like smoke to indicate a fire so the actors will tell you what is going on. So then when an actor tells me something that sounds like it might be part of the scenario I wonder if that is what the point is. Only to be told I shouldn't listen to the actors. Arrrrgghhh! I did it when I did the scenarios for my first aid training and I found myself doing it again for the course, I over think.
I really just want to get through the next two weeks.
I can't tell you how nice it is though to be home at nights now. For the last, however long I have been rehearsing or performing, so I have been out a lot and that in itself was draining. Now though I am home, and will be till I start night shifts.
I still like to learn things but I guess I really am over study at the moment. I just want to get into it, I know there is so very much I don't know and I wonder why they have us learning certain things the way they do. Despite this frustration I guess I know they have to teach it this way and I won't give up now... what would be the point I'm so close to finishing.
The good thing I suppose is that I at least can see the end. Sometimes in life we go through shit and we go as far as we think we can before giving up without realising that the goal we'd been going towards really was just around the next bucket of crap.
Persevere, I guess that is the point of this post. You may never know how close you are to the end of the bad and the start of the good.
Hang in there, that's the best advice I've got for you at the moment.

Tired but Trained

I am tired and yet I'm still going out tonight.
I have spent the last 2 weeks in training facilities learning new skills for my new job and it has been exhausting. Tired, sore, bruised, battered and a little weary but overall it has been fun.
It strikes me that so often we allow ourselves to sit in our niche, our comfort zone. Is that really living though? There have been several times over the last couple of weeks, in fact over the last two months since I started on my new career path, where I've doubted myself.
We all experience doubt, it's natural, especially when you push yourself into trying or learning new things. The thing is not to let that doubt stop you. At the times you question your ability, or doubt yourself sometimes the only thing you can really do is get up the next morning and get yourself to where you have to be and try.
You will probably surprise yourself if you at least persevere.
Don't let doubt beat you. Stretch yourself. Have a little faith in yourself.

Learning

It appears that I have actually started learning something.
I'm not talking about the stuff I need to learn as part of my course, I'm talking about one of those skills that sometimes in the past has evaded me.
There have been times in my life when that switch between thinking and saying has been on the wrong setting. Times I've said things I probably shouldn't have. Oh they haven't been terrible things but rather things like 'oh so if you're happy with your 10 year old reading books with sex in them...' to a father, who was totally shocked. Things like that are maybe not prudent to say but still fun. No question about it, sometimes it's fun to say things you know you shouldn't.
The thing is throughout this course I have managed to not say things several times. It's like in some ways I'm also not as impatient with things. This could be because things are still so very new, but maybe, just maybe I can grab hold of this little thing I appear to be cultivating and continue to keep it as a skill in my life.
The course has good moments and bad ones. The bad ones are really the boring ones. There are just some parts of the course that are sleep inducing. And to be honest I wasn't happy with the unit that told me to eat healthy, exercise and go to the dr for regular check-ups, no offence sir but I'm nearly 40 and nowhere near the oldest person in our class and you are treating us like we are kids again.
Such is life though. I got through it, it's not something I'm going to have to think about again and I can move on. There have also been some really interesting sessions and I'm glad I've gotten to sit through those.
There is a satisfaction you get when you achieve something new. This is a feeling I like. I like to learn and I like to accomplish. Don't we all.
Actually I suppose there are people who don't but they don't know what they are missing out on. Learn something new. Stretch yourself, it is a good feeling.

So...

A little while ago I felt a prompting to apply for the army reserves, came a little from left field as I have no real desire to serve my country or join what is clearly still a boys club, but I thought why the hell not, it will give me the challenge I am looking for in my life and give me the chance to give a little something back. With all the advertising they are doing at the moment it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get in.
Sure the physical side of things was going to be a push (sprints being the difficultly, I way surpassed the requirement for sit-ups and push ups) and I was nervous about the initial testing because it's been ages since I've sat psychometric testing. Thing was I passed with flying colours, I could apply for anything I wanted with the only exceptions being the stuff you have to be male for. So far so good you would think.
Not so. After testing I get a letter saying I've been rejected on medical grounds. Would you like to know the reason - self harm, because I cut myself over a short period of time 17 years ago I was immediately discounted as a candidate. You better believe that this bothered me on several grounds so I immediately appealed.
My arguments being that it occurred briefly a very long time ago, I was never officially diagnosed with anything, I haven't had a problem with this in over 15 years and in the meantime I've been able to offer up my shoulder to those with similar problems to what I had.
This isn't enough though, my rejection letter to my appeal stated; 'The stresses of service in the Defence force are considerable and often greater than faced in normal civilian life. Experience has taught the ADF that anyone with a history of depressive illness or adjustment disorder associated with self harm, such as yours, has a high likelihood of recurrence during military service, often as early as initial training.'
So in other words my life is stress free and if I start basic training I will probably fall apart and even want to cut myself again.
Wow!
They obviously have no idea how difficult it can be to be part of a low income family, and are unfamiliar with the concept of changing your life. Other things I would like to point out at his stage are; 17 years is as long as some of their recruits have been alive (I don't even get a second chance because of that!) and I know how to iron clothes (check out some of the new recruit videos where they say they have to teach some of them how to iron because they don't know how).
As far as I was concerned the whole process had big flaws in it. Firstly they wouldn't accept my uni transcripts because, well I had to prove I finished year nine and uni transcripts didn't do that. In life a degree always trumps a lower high school graduation certificate. Good grief at my interview the interviewer looked at the jobs I was interested in and said I couldn't do PR because I would need a degree in journalism or something (I promptly handed my degree over before saying lets just concentrate on the reserves not full time at the moment).
The other big problem I have with the process is that in all the questions self harm is lumped in with suicide attempts, now I don't know what psychs they have on the pay roll but not everyone who self harms wants to die. The first nurse I spoke to said it shouldn't be a problem because it was so mild and so long ago, the second one (after the first rejection letter) said self harm is an automatic rejection and I shouldn't have been told that however a letter from my Dr saying they hadn't treated me for depression or self harm, as well as a letter outlining what/when/how I've overcome should be enough to see the decision overturned. At most they both informed me I may need to discuss the matter with an army psych. Well guess what...never happened. I got the second rejection letter with no one even contacting me. They simply decided that something I did nearly half a lifetime ago meant I was unstable and unable to cope with something I determined would be a good thing to do with my life.
In other words the 17 year old who had both mummy and daddy take him to his first session is a better candidate that I am. (Though to be perfectly clear I don't know if he did get in).
They did say I could appeal the decision if I wanted but that would require me paying a shrink to dissect my past and give me a letter saying they believe I can cope, then I have to be interviewed by the army and jump through a bunch of hoops, and even then there is no guarantee that I would be accepted because that would then rely upon how competitive I was for the position I applied for and how many other candidates they had. Good grief! This coming on the back of my initial testing that gave me the all clear to apply for army intelligence officer if I wanted to (which one of the other candidates had informed me meant testing in the top 5% or so), and with me having researched the job I applied for and knowing they needed 13 positions filled and only had 7 candidates in the current pool.
Bottom line is I could have coped, if I was as fragile as they seemed to think surely a form letter saying they understand I will 'be greatly disappointed' with their decision, would do significant damage. Still it's simply another step in life for me and I think it's their loss. There are plenty of other bricks to kick over and ways to achieve goals like challenging yourself. In the mean time my fitness is better than it has ever been and my body is so much better to look at (I'm even starting to see abdominal definition). Something will come along.

Life Marches On

Well this week was trying. That is the nicest way to put it. My frustration with work seems to be on an ever increasing curve. Any one who has ever working in retail knows that some customers are just a pain in the butt. I know this, I've dealt with my fair share of them. One particularly painful one this week caused me more than a little grief, and has solidified my desire to find a new job.
Truthfully I feel as though my brain basically turns to mush when I go to work. The only time I really think is when I'm writing during my moments at the register. Shelving and asking 'Is there anything I can help you with today?', requires exactly no thought power what so ever. I could probably do it in my sleep.
So this week I updated my CV, not just made sure that all the details were up to date but gave it a complete overhaul. So now I am in possession of a great and professional looking CV.

There's just one thing sitting in the back of my mind, and in more honest moments like now more at the front. I am close to 40. I have lived and worked in two countries, I have a degree and an associate diploma and I've run my own small business but... It's the but that keeps creeping up on me. Who is going to give a woman of my age a chance at a new career? Do I think I can do these jobs I'm applying for? Sure? Will there be things I need to learn? Sure but every new job is like that. I'm not a stupid person but I am passionate and have my dreams, and I'm not ready to let them go, it's just I'm ready to find a different way to live while still working on them. I want to learn more things. I want to do more things. I want a change and a challenge. I thrive on a challenge. I love to be pushed. But... who is going to look beyond a CV filled mostly with retail and hospitality experience to the potential I believe I have? 

Sometimes I want to jump up and down and say 'experience in life counts', and 'I've been working since I was 10' (my first job was stacking shelves), 'my work ethic is solid just give me a chance'.

Here I am; sitting at my desk on a Saturday night, blogging and applying for jobs, in between doing dishes, being a mother and wanting to write all night instead of thinking I'd better go to bed earlier than that because my munchkins will want my attention on the morrow. 

Life, it surely does march on. Here's to challenge, focus, passion and a drive to do something more.

I Have Done It Now

I now have a goal. I took my desire to find something new, a challenge and I have taken steps to pursue a totally different kind of thing.
A few months ago an idea came to me and I mulled on it for a while before deciding that when these positions opened up that I would apply, the draw back to this is that the whole process before you even find out if you have been accepted takes about 9 - 12 months. That is a fair chunk of time, so much can happen.
I accepted this would take a while so set about looking at other jobs and trying for a career change. Then out of no-where a thought came to me. I looked it up, checked out the application process, went in and spoke to someone to get more information and took the first step.
I am applying for the Army Reserves.
I know, at first glance it seems rather left of field. When I was younger I contemplated the airforce but back then women weren't allowed to fly jets so the appeal was lost a little for me. Until now it's simply not been something that entered my mind. The more I think about it at the moment the more it feels like the right thing.
Of course just because it feels like the right thing doesn't mean the recruiters are going to think we are a good match. However I have booked my first appointment and done a heap of research. Also I am working on being able to hit the physical fitness aspects; the push ups and sit ups aren't the problem I can already hit both required numbers. What is going to be tough is the shuttle runs. Sprints have never been my strong suit. Even all the running I've been doing the last 15 or so months doesn't make this challenge easy. If it was a distance run...well that is what I have been doing already but in some ways it doesn't prepare you for the sprints. Having said that, if I hadn't been doing the 3km runs then my cardio would struggle so much more.
In a way the funny thing is, before I decided to apply for the army, I was already working on my upper body strength. Hubby had bought me dumbbells for my own personal training before I even had this thought, and I have discovered I like weight training.
I have already improved quite a bit in the last few days since I've started the shuttle runs but somedays the difficulty of it is a bit disheartening. I only hope my own personal determination to achieve the goals I set before myself is up to this challenge. Past experience has shown I thrive on a challenge, so I'm going to be positive and back myself on this one too.