I Have A Teenager

So I mean well. I really do, but getting around to writing for three blogs, still reading books to review and doing everything else takes time.
Speaking of time I am now the mother of a teenager.
How did that happen?
It really boggles my mind. When I think about it, I know I'm old enough, but my usual answer is I'm not mature enough.
I feel sometimes as though I'm drowning. Being a teenager is so different in so many ways to when I was growing up. Of course the other main difference is she's really into things like fashion. Me I couldn't give a stuff, I like my jeans, t-shirts and trainers. She loves shoes. I don't get it. What I do get is that it is her thing and so even though I'm totally out of my depth when it comes to this kind of thing, I take her shopping. It makes her happy.
School is another thing. I was never popular so I have no advice to offer there. When she comes home with questions like, 'Mum what do I do when a boy puts his hand down my friend's top and she doesn't want him to?', well there I am on far steadier ground. Bullying seems so much more intense. I was picked on, yes bullied all through my school years and yes it had an effect on my psyche. I was never beaten up and that is so much more prevalent today. That is another thing I can deal with, 'as long as you don't throw the first punch I will back you all the way.'
Everyday I'm thankful my girls come home in one piece. A little bit of emotional damage, broken heart, social uncertainty, all of that I can handle.
Last year she was so moody, I thought I was never going to get through it. But we did. This year things have levelled out some and I have been so relieved. The biggest issues this year have been friends, finding her comfort zone, getting her to do her chores and keeping her grades up, I just want a passing grade that's all.
Ups and downs are part of family life and my little girl is growing up. She had her first high school dance this year. Amongst other things. She's already talking about getting a job when she's old enough.
Parenting is a minefield that most of us are never really ready for. Each developmental stage has its own pitfalls. It is a juggling act and a tightrope act all in one. On the upside, that fact she's made it this far without being killed is a good sign. Hopefully I'll be able to get her through this next stage without either of us doing the other permanent damage.
Tonight I saw her prancing around in a pair of wedge high heels and short shorts and I realised how in trouble I'm going to be when she really starts dating. But then I have a very special set of skills that I've been honing for just that eventuality.
Also lets see if I can write here more than twice a year from now on.

Not Where I Started Going

(I started going in a different direction with this post then it went this way.)

I keep meaning to write for this blog, I really do. I even have some really good rants half done in my head. Problem is with a bunch of them they are time appropriate. If I don't get them down at a certain time they no longer seem so relevant.

I will however take a moment to reflect on gender stereotypes. This is one that bugs me on a regular basis and I know I'm not the only one. It goes through strong movements on line and then periods where people move on to different topics.

Today is a good day to reflect on it even briefly though.

The cast for the new Star Wars film has been announced. Yes others will be announced further down the line I'm sure, and no one really knows what it's going to be about yet. Or at least not in detail. The problem I have is the problem many fans have - 'What the hell happened to the awesome female characters'?

No offence to Princess Leia but seriously the extended universe has some amazing characters that aren't even getting a look in. Sure I understand not wanting to delve into the extended universe that already stands but that is no excuse to ignore the fantastic inroads it has made, especially for the universe's young female fans.

My eldest cried when Ahsoka said she was leaving, then again when told that was the end of the show. These characters give our girls something different to model themselves on. I much rather she watch Star Wars, Stargate and Firefly, than those vapid shows about boys and girls and girls trying to get a boyfriend. Meeting Amanda Tapping was a magical experience for her.

Now though one of her favourite franchises is returning to some out dated male centric story line. Give me a break. We girls are sick of being told the weapons are for boys whilst the dresses and makeup and kitchen utensils are for us. (At least in the kitchen are knives…never piss me off in the kitchen.) Women are strong and capable and more and more of us are at the point where we've had enough of the airbrushed crap that is served up to us.

We need to remember that we are who we are, we don't need to live up to some ugly old man's version of beauty, or some insecure media personality's idea of acceptable looks. We should be happy with who we are. I want my girls to be true to themselves. If that means tattoos and a shaved head, then so be it. If they prefer a suit to jeans then fine. If they want to create a kick-arse female superhero who's bits are (heaven forbid) covered by fabric, then more power to them.

Girls are no longer restricted to the home boys. We are out there; in the work place, on the sporting field, in space, in the labs, kicking your arse at on-line video games. Wherever you are we can be. Sci-fi and fantasy has often been groundbreaking in shattering the stereotypes, now is not the time for it to go back on that. Let's keep going forward.

Tired

Today has been tiring. Not because of anything I have done mind you but  my girls. Miss 4 never seems to do anything at any pace other than flat out. Today she had me blindfold her so she could play hide and seek blindfolded. Or maybe it was chasey blindfolded. Or even both. She had a packet of crackers and decided to hold them out sideways while spinning around so they went all over the floor. She climbs on everything. She can't just stand there and ask a question but has to hang off you and try to pull your arm out of it's socket. Or there are the times she just wants to say hi or give you a hug and you end up with her launching herself at you from two feet away.
Her older sister is a little more sedate but prone to not listening to answers, or forgetting them two seconds later. Last night I told her she didn't have to do any pre-school work but she asked me several times. I told her she had to listen or next time I would give her maths stuff to do. Tonight she asked if she had to do any and I said well that will depend if I feel like it but prob not. Half an hour later she asked again. So much to her consternation she then had to do some. I hope this means she will learn to listen, but I sadly think not.
These girls of mine don't spend all their time in front of the tv or gaming, they spend time doing outside activities and playing as well as other imagination encouraging things and I still find myself a little worn out by them quite often. No time more so than when I am deeply invested in some story. Which is a problem at the moment because I have just started Game of Thrones - the Song of Ice and Fire series made extremely popular by the HBO series of the same name. It's been a while since I indulged in epic fantasy and I am loving it. With constant interruptions though I am finding myself a little short of temper.
The girls are usually very good, but it is the tail end of the school holidays, it's been ages since I've had a holiday and there are outside frustrations. It's a perfect storm of tiredness I think.
Or maybe weekends are just not long enough.

Girls, Women, Healthy Attitudes

My girls are very precious to me and I am trying very hard to make sure they grow up with healthy self-esteems. This may seem like an easy task, to which I would respond sadly with the comment, that you obviously don't have girls. This world we live in is still very male-centric for all we say we have come forward in our thinking and attitudes. Let's face it we shouldn't need to have a white ribbon day where man vow not to abuse, in any way, women.
Now my girls don't have barbies and I prefer Dora as a role model, I don't wear much make up, or fuss muchly about clothes and appearance. I also prefer Keladry of Mindelan to Bella Swan (look it up). I am more about doing it than having it done for me. Ye despite me thinking that this would be a good grounding for them, I still face this problem.
Every week I find times to tell them that they are beautiful no matter what they wear, or it's important to be a good person not just pretty, or that they don't need someone else (a man) to rescue them, or variations on these themes.
My eldest has had several boys chasing her which at her age means flowers - real, letters scratched into a cement verge, and a written letter of proposal - (NB she is 8). She has said to us that she doesn't want to go out with any of these boys because she doesn't love them. YAY! her. I told her that was fine.
Recently both of them were playing princess's trapped in towers and asked me to find a prince to rescue them. I asked why they couldn't rescue themselves. My youngest decided that if this was an option she would be happy to do that. A choice that made me very happy.
Now I'm not a huge feminist or anything like that but I'm seeing a disturbing trend in young relationships where girls figure they have to be dependant on guys. Then there is all the other stuff to do with how women are portrayed and marketed to, what they get from friends, school and music. Yes even seemingly harmless things like the disney princess can send messages you may not realise they are sending, about needing an relationship for happily ever after and so on. I'm even thinking about getting copies of the original fairy tales so my girls can get the stories as they were not as they've been doctored to be. You know were Ariel dies because the prince is so damn fickle, she sacrifices everything for nothing. Now I like the disney movies and I  even like a couple of the princesses Belle is my favourite, she refuses Gaston and sacrifices for her father.
My task with my girls is on going. The way is to find ways to get my girls thinking outside the apparent ingrained ways of society and that is something I need to remember and not become complacent about.

Our Little Girls

My seven year old went to a school dance the other night, once she was dressed up with hair and makeup I took a picture and she totally didn’t look seven any more. She has the rib sticking out skinniness of the supermodel yet she eats and junk too. However she has never been a big eater, always a bit fussy.

Food is one of the things we are working on, this isn’t where I was planning on going with this blog though. Where I wanted to go was here…

She was wearing the same dress she’d worn to the previous dance, long skirt, halter-neck top with a v neck line. Last time she looked sweet and this time she looked like a mini model. Last time her hair and makeup wouldn’t have been so elaborate and it surprised me that such a small change made so much difference. There wasn’t anything particularly tarty about either addition. Her hair was braided into a reverse ponytail with two skinny side braids, and she had on eye liner and mascara (which I wouldn’t have done) and glitter shadow and spray (which I would have).

She was staying at a friends, whose mother is a hairdresser and beautician. I couldn’t do the hair and makeup as skilfully I admit but I just couldn’t get over how different the dress and she looked this time around. Which really is just a long lead into my rant on the sexualization of our children.

A picture appeared in the paper the other day of a nine year old dressed like…well lets just say I was wondering what on earth her parents were thinking when they let her leave the house. I can walk through the children’s department and find bras for kids my daughters age. They serve no purpose other than to encourage the child to think they are older or need to be older and more developed.

Our children watch video clips and think they need to be able to imitate those women to be attractive.

By the time my eldest was five she was asking for jewellery, make up and heels so she would look beautiful. It’s a constant effort to convince her that none of those things are of true value. Now for those of you who don’t know me I wear very little makeup only when I’m on stage or going out. My hubby tells me all the time I look good no matter what I’m wearing, so that’s not where the idea is coming from either.

Are the examples our children are surrounded by, so much influenced by the idea that beauty is a skinny, skimpily clad, heavily made-up woman? Is that how we want our girls to grow? I certainly don’t. I was very proud when my daughter came to me and said she wanted to take the picture I was talking about to school to talk about for news. She said she wanted to say it was inappropriate for a girl her age to be dressed like that. Of course she couldn’t really explain what she meant by that but at least it’s a start and at least she’s listening to me when I tell her some things just aren’t for her.

I want my girls to enjoy being young and having the ability to wear whatever and go running and climbing and getting dirty. I want then to realise appearance isn’t the most important thing. That attractiveness isn’t based on the person who wears the least amount of fabric. And that attracting a boys attention isn’t something they need to be thinking about at the moment, boys do not complete them.

Dora is one of my favourite kids cartoons because she has short hair, wears shorts, goes exploring, plays games where she is a doctor and so on, and she is bi-lingual. They tried at one point to girly her up and a lot of mothers weren’t impressed. It’s very hard for us to find role models acceptable for our young girls.

Myley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is desperately trying to shed her Disney image and she is only following in the steps of others. The wholesome, smart, girl simply isn’t something they want to keep the image of. Bring me girls who are adventurous and smart, girls who want to grow into women who want to do something with their lives.

We’ve come a long way from the days where a female’s options were very limited, and yet still we are obsessed with keeping women looking a certain way. Quite honestly is not the way Julia Gillard got the post of PM more important than the fact she is a red head, or what her hairstyles have been over the years? I’m frustrated. I want my girls to have a balanced outlook. I want them to not be limited by their gender and I want them not to buy into the rubbish that how you look is what matters most. I’m just not sure how effective I can be when so much of what is thrown at our children in marketing and things skews the other way.

‘No honey you are seven you totally don’t need a matching bra and bikini briefs set’.

My Daughter's hand

There’s this thing about kids and I’m sure it’s not just me. Sometimes they are the best but sometimes they can be ever so trying and frustrating. I get home from work and just want to sit down and relax and it’s; ‘Mum can we…’, ‘Mum let’s go to…’, “Mum let’s play…’, and by the time that’s all over with I’m cooking dinner. When they finally get into bed there’s a big sigh and I collapse onto the couch.

Just lately though our two year old has decided that bedtime is just another game. So we now have to sit outside her room to make sure she doesn’t come out. It’s that or keep putting her back to bed every two minutes for an hour.

Then I tried a different approach. I gave her a hug and said it was time for bed and that meant it was time for sleep, lay next to her for a bit. This works okay (some nights, other nights the staying with her takes ages) until she wakes up in the night scared or with night terrors, then she just won’t let us go. She just reaches out her little hand to rest it on my face if I start to manoeuvre myself off the bed.

It’s moments like that, that even though I’m so tired or frustrated and seemingly unable to help, where I realise anew that no matter what, I would do anything in my power to make things just a little easier for my girls.

My Girls, My Goals

My girls are amazing. It’s great to watch them learn and grow. With four years between them I find myself sometimes wondering if my eldest used to do things my youngest is now doing. Though I’m pretty certain that her catch-phrases weren’t ‘wick, wick’ and ‘oh dear’, and I don’t think she used to say ‘pardon me’ voluntarily after burping. I did wonder today if that had anything to do with her hearing loss. Having said all of that I’m so amazed to watch my daughter learn to read and start on basic math. She is a true joy to me, both of them are.

There are moments thought when I wish I could provide better for my girls. You know give up the dreams and creativity and focus on trying to get bigger and better promotions work wise. And should my hubby do the same? These are questions we consider on a regular basis, though I’m sure his parents don’t believe we do. The thing is we could try that path but from experience it would only result in us feeling more stressed and more grumpy.

However when I step back and change the glasses through which I look at my life I realise we have so much. The girls have so much. And my frustration at not being where I wish I was career wise is mostly the thing that keeps me pushing on. I want my girls to know that they can do and be everything they were created to be, but at the same time they need to know that they shouldn’t expect it to be just given to them. To achieve goals and be the best person you can takes effort, and yes even sacrifice.

Push on, pursue and dare to dream, then put your hands to the rock, push your shoulder into it and move those obstacles.

At The End Of My Rope

I am a mother and I love being a mother. I love my girls and I love my husband, but right now I am at the end of my limit. I feel so bad because I have a very strong feeling to lock myself in my office away from everyone for a day or two. Okay admittedly the length of time varies but I at the moment I just wish everyone and everything would forget I existed, just for a while.

As a mother how do I cope with this? And is the desire to lock myself away really a problem? To answer the last first, yes. I know it is because I find myself snapping at my family. It’s not that the girls are even doing anything wrong (okay the youngest has taken to beating up the eldest, but she’s two so that explains that). They just want some of my undivided attention and really I should be grateful for their love rather than grumpy.

So I apologise for snapping and go and make a steering wheel for my eldest’s box car and know that balloon tennis really is quite fun. Whilst in the back of my mind I contemplate the wisdom of locking my bedroom door just so I can use the ensuite toilet in peace.

Technology and Girls

SEXTING

I was listening to an interview with a sixteen year old girl the other day and I found it quite disturbing. It’s not the first I’ve heard of this topic nor is it likely to be the last. In fact I’m sure I’ve touched on this topic before, I’ve certainly ranted about it, however when one rants as much as I do there is no guarantee it actually makes it to my blog.

For those of you who don’t know what sexting is, basically it’s phone texting with sexual content – words or pictures.

It appears it’s becoming quite the thing to send naked or partially naked photos of yourself to members of the opposite sex. Though truthfully it’s more something I’ve heard of girls doing rather than guys but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen both ways.

For me sexting is a concern on several levels, not least being that when these kids are doing it, it is a form of child pornography and therefore illegal. Another thing that worries me is this is yet another area fraught with sexual harassment issues, not just among kids either.

Something else these kids can’t seem to get their heads around is the fact that once it’s out there, committed to the digital ether, they have no control over it. The person they sent it too may say it’s just between them but what’s stopping them forwarding it to their mates and so on. If this happens in a school environment it could be moments before the whole school has seen the picture. The repercussions are scary to contemplate; teasing, humiliation, the message it sends to people about what you will do (even if you won’t), and the damage it can do to someone’s self-esteem. Not to mention the fact that picture could still be out there where you are 25 and looking for work – ‘oops sorry we can’t hire someone with a history like that’. Or even worse some slimy, sleaze (and no they aren’t all middle aged and older, there are plenty of sleazy guys much younger than that around) could find it and try and cyber stalk you.

Which brings me to my question. Why do it? Consenting adults spicing up their sex lives I can understand, though that too comes with risks. At 12, 14, and 16 though? Really what’s the point? What’s the need? I’m assuming it is in part the cyber generation’s contribution to screwing around. Yet another way for a young woman to trick herself into thinking someone really cares for her.

I’m not going to pooh-pooh sex. Not even my mother or grandmother did that, sex outside a committed relationship was another matter. Sex absolutely has a place in a relationship, just not at such a young age. No I’m not being naïve, I know they do and I know they think they are old enough, I just believe they’re not. I’ve seen so many people (and not all teenagers) mistake sex for love. Sex isn’t how you feel loved. Giving all of yourself to somebody like that isn’t going to make you feel loved for more than the moment, it’s not going to make everything alright, and sex will not complete you. And sexting is exactly the same. You being a whole person, acceptable and loveable isn’t reliant on your willingness to flash your boobs around cyberspace.

Please girls think more highly of your selves than that. You are worth much more. You deserve better than someone who wants or expects that from you.

MYSPACE

Now I’m moving on from sexting to Myspace. I’m not against social networking, I’ve cruised Myspace and I Facebook. It keeps me in touch with friends in other countries, even friends I’ve made on-line. It is also a useful way to keep track of my theatre and film friends and find out who has what show or project going. So I find it useful, if not somewhat time wasting (particularly when I play games).

However unless it’s someone I know personally I know there is no guarantee what I see on a profile page is true. There is no way to police that an uploaded profile picture is of the person who’s profile it is. You just have to say you have the right to upload the picture, if you’re fabricating a profile you’re not going to be concerned about lying about that. A profile is simply not that difficult to fake.

The young girl from the sexting interview believed she could tell what people were really like from their Myspace profiles. She believed she had a system and that certain things show someone to be honest or not. Surely if she can think that then so can the person making up the page. Not all predators are stupid. It would make our lives as parents so much easier if they were.

The sad but simple truth is that people lie. Predators LIE! Twenty year old boys hooking up with fourteen year old girls on-line, tell them they are beautiful and that they’ve fallen in love with them and could they please send an intimate picture or hook up someplace – LIE! Sad, sick, perverted, twisted people LIE! Guys that want girls to put out – LIE! Cyberspace just makes it that much easier. It may be connected but that doesn’t mean we are honestly connected. It is easy to pretend in cyberspace.

Please girls stop lying to yourselves about what you are doing and what could happen. By all means embrace technology but do it wisely. Be careful what you put out there because you never know what you’ll attract back. Be honest with an adult you trust and never mistake intimate suggestions or conversations with love.

Great, true love is possible but remember that Romeo and Juliet ended in tragedy. Don’t follow in their footsteps. Be wise in your search and value yourself. If you don’t why should anyone else.