AHHHHH!!!!

I'm back studying. The first three months of my new job are the course part of the traineeship and so I find myself back in a classroom.
Can't say I ever really thought that would happen.
Some of it is hard to get through but that's just because by nature the topic is pretty dry, still it's stuff we have to know.
We have also had two written assessments and I have to say it seems that the skills I've cultivated with my writing and blogging have meant studying skills haven't left me entirely. I still have a pretty good study ethic and ability.
Right now though I have to admit there is a part of me that is wishing I hadn't committed to a play just before this all started. I did it because really I was pissed with missing out on the play I wanted to do because of the date of my brothers wedding and I think this will be the last one I do for quite a while as my new job involves shift work. It's not a big part, in fact it is three really small parts and at the moment I'm not needed every night of rehearsals but still the drive is time consuming and a little frustrating when you have to go so far for so few lines.
I'm liking it though. The challenge, the opportunity to push myself. I have to admit to being a little scared though, just a bit. This job is outside anything I've ever done or considered doing and so there is a part of me that is worried about totally stuffing it up.
Apart from all that though, God is still showing me his presence even though according to some I can't be a christian because of some of the things I believe. And while I am not about to go into details there is a part of me that finds it really interesting that I am in a place I never thought I would be and yet without those previously mentioned beliefs I wouldn't be able to help like I can. And no I am not going to tell you anything more than that. The only real point of bringing that up was to let you know that even when you struggle God can meet you where you least expect it. It's those little touches that allow me hope and we all need hope.

Hanging In There

It's been a few weeks since we've been to church. I want my children to learn about faith and have friends who share that but...
Last time we went to church I walked out. In the course of my faith and years at church I've walked out of my share of services. This time it was because the preacher started comparing non-christians to terrorists in between repeats of the statement 'purchase our products after the service'.

I just am now really struggling to find a reason to go back. 

For me the big thing at the moment is separating faith and religion. I find the format of church quite boring. I guess it's a case of not feeling I fit in for so long that I can't be bothered. I know who I am, I know what my skills are, what my interests are, I don't want to do church drama because often it is badly written and well, lets just leave it at that. I don't particularly want hubby in a music team because then there is music team commitments and sundays are a total write off (especially as we go to a church that has two morning services). 

The other thing is so many of our friends that we met through church or associated events are also no longer interested in the sunday ritual. So the question is then, what is going on? What has driven so many creative people away from the church? Is it that in many ways the church doesn't value the creative? Sure the mega churches can pay their music leaders or those in creative ministries but most of the team members are volunteers. There is just one problem with volunteering, you get little to no say in what you will be doing and it's so very hard to get time away from it. The creative pursuits may be your gifting, your passion but you are expected to do it all for nothing and give up a chunk of your time.

Of course the flip side of that is if you love something you give your time up for it anyway, paid or not. I've done plenty of plays for no reason other than the love of it. So why do I do that but reject the idea of joining a church drama team? A lot of it is for the reason I mentioned earlier, I find church sketches to be badly written. That aside, I'm not interested, even a little bit, in 3 minute sketches, as an actor they don't challenge me, I get nothing from doing them, except the feeling that I am wasting my time. Also you really don't get a choice, someone else picks the piece and unless you have loads of willing performers you don't get the option to say no, you are either in the team or not. When I audition for something it's because I want to do the show - I choose what I audition for. The other thing is actors accept my oddness, my sense of humour, my questioning nature and my some what out there personality, I fit in there. With church I feel the need to reel myself in, to curb my questioning, my humour. 

Then there are those who stand under the banner of christianity and spew hate and judgement and for me at the moment that is perhaps the big thing I struggle with. I know I've talked about his things before. I know there are times I think it would be easier if I didn't know so much, didn't read so much, didn't question so much. The way I figure it though is that this is the way I was created so there must be a purpose for it. It may be that I am not the only one who struggles. I'm not the only one who walks the line between wanting to believe and hating so much of what religion stands for.

Through all this though I am blessed to have people of faith whom I admire and who speak into my life, they don't judge me for my questions, they keep me hanging on to that thin thread of faith and even help me reweave strands back into it so I can hang in there a bit longer.

Challenge Yourself

Over the last little while I have been involved with projects that challenge me in one way or another. Really in regards to one issue - body image.
I don't have the best body image. I'm short, I used to have pert boobs, no stretch marks and less weight across my butt, hips and stomach.
So what, you may say, you've had two kids.
Yes I have and so in some ways my body will never be the same. I can't afford a personal trainer or plastic surgery but I am exercising three or so times a week, which is something I started doing last year.
Any way back to challenging myself.
Two projects came my way around the same time.
The first was a one act play, set in a lypo-suction clinic and told the stories of 4 very different women who ended up there. This was confronting for me because at the end we strip down to our underwear in front of the whole audience. The other challenge for me was the character the director wanted me to play was the one who self harmed - if you've read some of my other posts you will know this is some thing I used to do. I decided that I found this scary - I have stretch marks for crying out loud. So I decided - mostly because a dear friend was directing, that I would face my fear and do this.
Then hot on the back of this casting I get a message from another friend/director asking me if I would be interested in doing a 'Calendar Girls' style calendar shoot to raise some money for a theatre. I choked - for those not familiar with the story or film, that means sans clothing. Naked. If the other one was scary then this terrified me. Now see there is one problem with being a personality type like mine. I see a fear in myself, and think about all the self image problems friends and young girls have and I say no, I will not let this fear rule me. I tell my girls appearance isn't everything and now here was my chance to stand up in my own way and say this is my body and so what if it's not modernly tiny and perfect but it's my body I mostly like it and I am beautiful. So I said yes and it scared the absolute crap out of me.
Now the photo shoot is done and we will soon see the finished product. Along the way it also became not about any money for the theatre, who backed out, but about raising money for ovarian cancer, we figured many knew about breast cancer and it's fundraising so we would do something less well advertised. It has gotten bigger than we were originally thinking. And while I see everyone else's pictures and think wow, and see mine and go mmm, I trust the photographer and the fact that we are all probably in some ways our toughest critics (or that may be just some of us).
And now I find myself being a genuine Miss July.
Some times you need to acknowledge your fears, face up to them, no matter how terrified you are of them and take that step forward.
Oh and yes I realise it's yet another thing that very well may count against me as far as my being a good christian girl goes, but this is important on so many levels.

Performance in Church

This is one of the things I've really struggled with over the years. I love acting, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it but I hate church drama with a passion.

It took me a very long time to be willing to get up on a church stage again and once I do they then start doing the very things I disliked about it in the first place.

We hadn't been committed to going to our new church for very long when they announced the formation of a drama team.

To be honest I rolled my eyes and groaned. Mostly because I wondered how or why God would be doing this now when he knew how much I hated it. Then I had that internal debate about whether I should let them know I have experience in performing.

I decided not to get involved.

I know I was judging based on my previous experience but that's what I had to go on. Yes it is possible for the person to be given this position to have more experience and more talent than me. For them to have great ideas and wonderful execution. But I couldn't see that happening.

I didn't give it much thought after that.

Until last week.

The team got up to perform their first (of the first one I'd been there for) sketch. It started for me badly but I thought I'd try and stay. I didn't last and the whole thing wasn't much more than five minutes long.

I walked out feeling guilty about being disrespectful. After all they at least had gotten up there and I hadn't, so what right did I have to judge.

It made me wonder again though, why it is okay for people with heart but no skill to be involved in a drama team but they wouldn't be allowed as part of a music team.

Then again it could be a self perpetuating problem. The sketches are short, unchallenging and sometimes badly written and badly executed, so people with skill won't want to get involved, therefore the only way the team can get new blood is to invite people with heart.

Me I would be embarrassed to be seen to be doing those sketches. That's right I said it embarrassed and I would never invite my friends to come and see one. I laugh when people say it would be good for my acting friends to come and see these things.

I know I probably shouldn't admit to being embarrassed but it's the truth. To be reading your script or to explain the piece before performing are just things that shouldn't happen.

I felt guilty for walking out but my hubby wisely asked how I would have felt being involved in something like that. I replied by telling him I would have hated it. And that is the truth.

It's not so much about being embarrassed by God but by the poor use of something I love.

Yes I think drama could be a very powerful tool but I also don't see that happening because people aren't interested in trying different things. I have tried and the responses have been ranged from 'that sounds interesting' to 'interesting but not now' and being just ignored.

The thing is though, then I have to deal with the 'why aren't you using your skills for God in church?' questions or the idea that because I am a mother my best skill is helping out in kids church.

It makes me sad in a way but the performing I am doing at the moment is challenging and powerful and I am happy to be putting my time in there rather than for a church.

One Act

Okay so here's the deal, I used to self-harm. Cut myself, scratch myself and hit things. This isn't something I have done in a long time so why bring it up you may wonder. Well I have just started the rehearsal process for a one act play dealing with body image. That is to say that is what it is about on the surface but underneath it looks at a great deal of issues women go through, including self harm. Of course there are many forms of self harm but strangely the character I am playing is the one closest to my past. I didn't really think about it when I did the audition but now I am. I know I'm not held by those dark thoughts that had me in that dark place any more but with performing something so dark sometimes it can get under your skin. My biggest challenge over the next several weeks is going to be to make sure I remain separated from the dark. Truthfully I'm not all that concerned about falling back down that way, I have too many good friends and a wonderful family that won't let that happen. So I suppose then my biggest challenge is not to remain apart but instead bring life to a character that has the power to touch lives, in such a way that she is totally believable. I only hope I am up to this challenge.

There is always hope, in the darkest moments there is always hope.

Less Religion

I'm reading 'More Jesus, Less Religion' (Arterburn & Felton). I know it's been a long time since I've picked up a book dealing with christianity. I'm really liking it though. There is a lot that say that in my mind I find myself going, well at least someone out there sees things like I do.

For me religion has become so structured and organised. If you don't fit in to the box labeled christian it seems sometimes that the church just doesn't know what to do with you.

I was at a service last week and they were talking about their vision for the youth and kids. While they were talking I was thinking that maybe I could get involved with some sort of youth programme, after all it is one of the issues I feel strongly about. Thing is from past experience I'm not sure how well I fit into these sort of programmes. I'm more a sort of come in for a one off thing. I guess that's why I sort of hope the YA novel I'm working on will get publication, because that would open the door to speaking engagements. It's not the speaking itself that drives me but the fact I could openly talk about some things I know others avoid.

I don't know, I'm going to leave this in God's hands, it's not something I plan on pursuing actively in itself.

Speaking in front of others doesn't scare me so much. Talking about my past and the rough things I've experienced doesn't even particularly bother me. Being treated as a joke does but that's a fear a lot of us share. Truthfully I don't want to limit myself to a church environment.

There is still a long way to go with the novel though and I really must make sure I don't get ahead of myself.

Update

Well it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I have been really busy, mostly editing my novel. Which I have now submitted and feel at somewhat of a loss. There are a few things I may want to blog about but at the moment none spring to mind.

My week was mostly good but then Friday it went to crap. So my plans to actually blog about something of substance have gone out the window as I allow myself time to celebrate making it through the first round of cuts in the manuscript competition. And of course catch up on some reading. This weekend I've already finished the first of Michael Pryor's Laws of Magic, and Robert Muchamore's Shadow Wave, and I've started Suzanne Collins' Mockingjay.

I also have a one act play to learn by tomorrow and a short monologue. Hmmm. Shouldn't be a problem though.

My other plans for this down time include more reading (obviously) I have a pile of books to get through that seems to get bigger by the week. Also, the up-coming One Act season. Taxes. Oh and sitting in on writing sessions of lyrics with the guys.

Today I got to sleep in and sort out a few idea's for kids books and my second Evayn novel.

So all up I've got plenty to keep me busy. I will soon write a blog that is more than simply an update.

Talking To God

I was talking to God today, yes I still do that, and in the course of the conversation I felt Him tell me that what I had to do was be happy. This may sound silly but bear with me. It was like He was saying ‘I made you who you are, I gave you the gifts and skills, it isn’t necessary to me that you struggle to fit into the mould the church wants you to. It isn’t your fault if they won’t or can’t stretch to embrace the opportunity.’ That isn’t a direct quote but it was the gist.

It gave me permission to let go of some of those things I’ve been holding onto, including the belief that I’d been given these passions for a reason and somehow the church must be tied up in that.

We also talked about failure, or I did. How in many ways I feel like a failure because so many things I want to achieve, I haven’t. When I was younger I wrote a list of things I wanted to do: countries I wanted to visit – some I have; seeing a show in the West End – I saw five; owning a pair of 501’s – did that and loved them.

Now there are so many other things I want to do and can't seem to, or at least haven’t yet, I’m still working on them. If nothing else I’ve discovered that I’m very persistent.

So then we get onto what is and isn’t failure. For me there is so much I want – I want to act professionally and I want to write professionally. I want to set up trust funds and finance other things, and before you say I can still help with those things by getting involved in other ways, I know myself well enough to know I may not be the best person for that part of things – I’m too impatient and blunt.

God however views things differently. For me the fact our first production didn’t break even, even when we were doing what we truly believed God wanted us to be doing, meant it was a failure. I won’t deny the learning curve was great and to an extent worth it, but still how do you class that as success. God however sees the fact we stepped out when he asked. And in little ways we’ve kept stepping out and for me the slap backs, rejections and disappointments equate to failure. God however sees the faith in the step.

The cynical part of me wonders how and why I should keep holding onto the dream, keep talking to God when we’ve fallen so many times. I see facebook friends post status updates like ‘I want things to happen for me, I’ve made good choices and want to reap a harvest because I’ve put God first’, and the first thing I think is…well that has never worked for me.

No-one cautions that it may not happen. That change may not make it easier. Sometimes they say God’s timing is perfect and His vision may be different to ours, that’s as close as they get to saying – sometimes God wants to take you through the fire again and again.

So yes I feel I’d like a break from the fires God. I want my words to touch many. I want people to see what I can do with a character and value it. You know though – here in the crucible it may hurt and be frustrating beyond measure but it’s here that I have my family. It’s here I stand, feet dug in, sweat, tears and blood dripping, shouting into the wind ‘Is that all you’ve got?’

I will not give up. I may feel like it but I won’t and those who love me won’t let me.

God sees me stand, He sees the tears and sees me get back up when I am down, for me this may be stubborn determination but for Him that is success.

Dammit if my words help just one person to get back on their feet. To not give up on Him because it’s not turned out like they were told it would or hoped it would. If one person realises they aren’t alone and pain is no cause to give up. If just one person is encouraged, then really I should, too, view it as a success.

So to conclude, in the words of two favourite shows:

Never give up, never surrender

If you can’t walk, you crawl, and if you can’t crawl…if you can’t do that anymore you find someone to carry you.

Take heart, you may be walking the narrow road and sometimes that is damn hard but at least you aren’t on it alone.

Happy Birthday To Me

Another week, another year. Birthdays sometimes give us cause to think. They give me cause to think because I'm still not where I want to be and as far as my performing hopes go, this year has been harsh. It makes me wonder how long I can hold onto the words of encouragement from my past. should I still be holding on nearly 15 years later or is it time to move on from those hopes. In the past I haven't been very good at moving past them but I do find myself again wondering if I should try.

Focusing on my writing is proving a little more ego friendly but I'm aiming for financially friendly and I've been writing longer than acting. If I've learnt anything from the times I've tried to give up before it's that I am most happy when I am being creative, so I guess no matter how low I get I will keep on keeping on. It's what I do.

Love you all and may this year be a blessed one for you.

Oh and I'm keeping this short because I have a writing deadline, wish me luck or pray for favour this is something I really want. Next week I'll probably be back to my usual wordy self, my first deadline will have passed and there will be nothing high pressure I can do until I get notified of if I am selected.

Interesting Week

Well this has been an interesting week. I had an audition I thought went fairly well, but then the director didn’t bother to let me know what he’d decided, now you don’t necessarily expect to hear from some directors but when they assure you they will then well nothing…so needless to say I got annoyed and a little bit down. Someone once told me if I can’t handle rejection then I should not be involved in performance. He was right, and in my head I know I can do this but sometimes when junk like this happens and I know I did a better audition than the girl who was cast and I am actually the right age not 10 or so years too young, then I doubt.

When I doubt I get down and this time my hubby got in touch with some people and told them I was doubting my ability and they got in touch to kick my ass for being stupid and letting some director get to me. I have great friends, friends I know support me and will no doubt tell me if I suck, but they knew I was struggling and they took the time to check on me. Now that is friendship.

So I made some decisions, we’ve booked our holiday tickets and I’ve came up with an idea for another novel. Then there is also the fantasy story I’m working on. So lots going on even if it wasn’t all what I thought it would be.

I have great friends and a man who understands me. It’s all pretty good really.

Thank You

I don’t experience depression like I used to. I used to spend many hours feeling bleak, down, stuck in the boggy quicksand trying to see where in my life there was value. If I were to let you go over my poetry from that period you would see some of it was incredibly…well depressing.

Now it’s kind of a different beast. It’s not as all encompassing, dragging me down for days at a time and I no longer try to hurt myself in an effort to relieve it. Though admittedly there are days I really wasn’t to hit something. I also know my life has value, I have an awesome family so how could I think otherwise.

So what is my problem you may wonder? Mostly I guess in one way or another you could classify it as self-doubt. I know what makes me happy. I know where my dreams and passions pull me, but I’m not even close to fruition and so I wonder. I doubt. I question. Why can’t I give up? Why do I think I can do these things? Am I a good enough writer? Can I actually act? And around the questions and doubts circle.

I sometimes watch something and wish I could be doing that. Other times I see someone on a screen and think their acting is terrible yet they get paid to do what I love so does that mean my acting is worse? Self-doubt, self pity, depression.

Fortunately it doesn’t often last very long because I know I can’t really give either of them up. I know, I’ve tried. Also I hold desperately onto the words of those who owe me nothing – the director who’s worked in the West End who said I have the ability; the theatre manager who said the show I wrote was good; the writing mentor who rang me up to tell me to keep writing because the only reason I didn’t get the mentorship was because there was someone who wrote in his genre and he felt he was better equipped to help them.

And all the people who have told me that my words have touched them.

Friends and family certainly help but I extend a gracious thankyou to those who have encouraged me without being invested in my mindset.

Free Downloading

So here I am more than ready for a total rant. It’s no secret that I work in a bookstore, I write and I’d love to make my money as a writer. It is also no secret that I act and would love to make money that way too. I am a creative person and I have embraced that, for all the crap you have to put up with in being one. I have come to accept the highs and the lows, I don’t particularly like them but I accept them. I know I need to have thick skin, I’ve received many rejections in my pursuits and truthfully if I could give up I might but they are my passion and what drives me is the need to create. I need to make characters come alive, I need to imagine and dream.

So to my rant. Something happened the other day that pissed me off so much. I am not into illegally downloading anything, my friends know that for me it is a case of not stealing from the place I wish to earn from. Now I know e-readers are coming, the fact I like books means nothing, but someone said the thing with e-readers is that you can down load everything for free. Technically not accurate, you probably can download heaps but not all of it legally. I’m happy for musicians who manage to get a bigger cut of the money rather than the record labels and similar results but illegally downloading doesn’t do that.

Now we are getting closer to the point that got me fired up in the first place. One of the kids at work said why should he pay for downloads because he has bills to pay. It was about this point I started to swear. For crying out frigging loud. How naïve are people like this? You think that creative types don’t have bills to pay, families to look after and to put food on the table for their kids? You selfish creative black holes, sitting out there on your lazy selfish arses, saying feed me my entertainment I deserve it.

No you don’t, it’s a luxury. It is something someone created for you to fill in you time but for them it was work, surely they deserve to get paid for their effort. And just in case you are totally naïve many, many, many writers, musicians, actors and artists struggle to make it. For every multimillion dollar actor in a film or show there can be hundreds or thousands who rock up, work, go home and get paid bugger all and have no guarantee of work the next week. For every Rowling or Meyer are loads who would be thankful to get a publisher look at their work.

Here my last work to those who think free downloads are a right…stop sucking the livelihood from those you profess to admire and from those who work to see your many empty hours filled with ways to entertain you. We love to entertain just don’t think what you do isn’t stealing from us…we have bills to pay too.

A New Year

Okay it's the second day of the new year. Wow where have the last 10 years gone? So anyway resolutions always seem like a good idea but I'm not sure they bind you to anything much. Despite that there are a few things I'd like to do this year. One is go on a proper holiday with my family. I'd also like to get published and exercise my actor but those two goals never change, I will as always continue to slog away at them. After so long I sometimes wonder why I haven't given up, there should be only so much rejection one can take. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. They are two things in my life I can't not do. I didn't act for three years and it was so hard but at least I had my writing. I could in no way give up both. Of course I want to get paid to do those things but even without pay I am driven to do them, so I continue to do what I can while also working to pay the bills. Good thing I love my job.

Anyway I have some more serious topics to look at shortly but for now I want to say thank you for sharing this journey with me and I wish for you the blessings of peace and joy and the hope of dream fulfillment for the coming year.

May God bless you

What Happened To The Last Month?

Wow the silly season is upon us and all is chaos. Good thing I do okay in chaos. I've been neck deep in reading recently not so much on writing, but we all need to change things up every now and then. I am also 2 weeks into a 3 week run for a Christmas play I'm acting in. So between that and work and getting ready for Christmas... well I've kinda dropped the ball when it comes to blogging. The play finishes next weekend so I'm planning on getting back into writing then. I also may be starting up a book blog for work... I'm not totally decided yet, mostly coz I already put in extra unpaid hours I'm not sure I want to add to it. Besides they keep adding crap to my section like plastic piggy banks and watering cans in the shapes of snails and poodles...what the hell I work in a bookstore not a gardening centre or a bank. I love my job I'm just not too happy with certain things at the mo...every job is like that though, good and bad days. I'm ever so thankful for the great guys I work with though, so no point complaining (much) just need to get on with it.

Till next time

Expectations

I’ve just been cast in another play and I know it’s going to be a blast. I can’t help but wonder how I managed to not do anything for three years. Now this’ll be my fourth play in 18 months.

I love being someone else. I love the adrenaline rush of being on stage. I love getting feedback like “I wonder if that’s what she’s like in person?”, when I’m nothing like the character I’m playing. I’m grateful for the friendships I’ve found in the theatre.

For all the fragility of being involved in performance; all the self-doubt in my abilities, it’s one place I feel loved and I don’t mean empty accolades like ‘oh we think you’re great…’ I’m talking about being accepted. Truly accepted for who I am.

I just realised something. I don’t expect my friends from the theatre to understand or be interested in my faith, yet I expect people from church to be interested in my theatrical pursuits. I have a double standard in my life that I wasn’t even aware of. Huh!

It just goes to show how much I am responsible for those layers of hurt, hardness, protection I mentioned in ‘A Hard Heart’.

I expected more from people who are Christians because…I guess I just figured they should be genuinely interested in what my interests are. That’s a pretty selfish thought.

It’s put me on the other side. I once told a friend that I liked her but not a choice she had made. It put a huge gap between us because I didn’t understand how that hurt her. Years later we found each other again and she told me how I’d hurt her. To her the issue was more to do with who she was, not just a choice she had made. Now I am on the flip side. I feel the creative is not just a matter of interests or hobby but rather an integral part of me.

So much in life is a matter of perspective and we are all human. We all see things through different colour lenses. We all rate things as having different values.

Wow. Something else to work on. Fortunately like most things, the first step is recognising the problem and now I’ve done that I can start to make my choices with a better frame of reference. It reminds me that often we travel through life with blinders on – not just tinted glasses. How much better would things be if we periodically take a moment or two to step back, take a good look at ourselves and see how we have blinded ourselves to ourselves.

Seven Deadly Sins

These three video clips are a series of Vblogs I wrote, originally as one monologue, on the topic of the deadly sins. I didn't take the traditional line of stating flat out that they are wrong I wanted to do something I hoped would be a little more thought provoking. As the churches I've been involved in don't seem so inclined to do drama my way I'm going to try posting some of it online instead.

Advice?

Blessed is the man who doesn’t walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.

Psalm 1:1

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

Proverbs 15:22

I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing for a while, more specifically what to do when those who advise you do so with little to no understanding of what’s really in your heart. Of course I can’t really speak to anyone else’s experience so I’ll speak to my own.

Firstly I’ll give you an example from my marriage. When we had just had our first child my husband was playing in a cover band, gigging in pubs on weekends. It was at the time the only income we had apart from welfare. He was still playing in church but he’d do so after having had maybe three hours sleep (something he is still doing but at a different church). One day one of the leaders came up to us and said Steve should stop playing in the pubs and use his gift solely for the church. I think around that time I asked if they would pay the same as the gig, and of course that wasn’t about to happen.

Now similar things have happened to me. People just assume I am going to be involved in church drama and I have been at certain periods of time, but not at the moment and not often. Bottom line is I don’t like church drama, at least not like it tends to be where I’ve gone. When I say I’d much rather play a suicidal person or a psycho at a theatre rather than some weak character in some three minute skit, they don’t get it. They say I should use my gifts for God. They don’t understand how I could not be passionate about getting involved in church drama.

Here’s the thing though, there have been times when I’ve bitten the bullet and written stuff for church but no seems interested in those. I even wrote an entire worship service in response to a need and a lot of prayer, but one again they aren’t interested. I want to see interesting characters and 12 to 15 minute dramas that can be tied into messages. I don’t see why we can’t use these as opposed to film clips. I want to see things well-acted and yes even thought provoking, as opposed to the cheap giggles of seeing someone you may know on the stage.

So see it’s not that I’m not passionate about my gifts, it’s that there is no place for my gifts in the church. So where does that leave me. Do I bow to the advise of well-meaning people who say that God gave me my gifts to use for the church? Or do I follow my passion, keep challenging myself and keep hanging out with non-christians?

Then there are those people who say to me ‘I can’t wait for you to bring your acting friends to church. Why would I, I ask? Not for sketches that’s for sure. The people I know are performers, they watch and even study acting, and the stuff often done in the churches I’ve gone to just doesn’t cut it. I realise a lot of people like them and that’s fine just don’t expect me to.

So considering all this what do I do with my gifts? How do I find the right advice when the people most think you should go to for that advise simply don’t understand my passion or the industry. They think I should be content colouring inside the boxes they’ve designed for me. So what do I do when I’m not? What do I do when people aren’t interested in changing from boxes to heptagons? Do I compromise my passion and artistic integrity to toe the party line? Unfortunately I don’t do that very well. I like to have fun with my talent, I like to challenge myself artistically. So why do I feel rejected and unsupported if I choose to use my ability outside of a church environment?

Lest you think the only people I’m hearing from are church people, you should know my in-laws have there own thoughts. Now I love them dearly but being told I should consider teaching…now if they really knew me they would know I so don’t have the gifting to be a teacher. I don’t have the patience. My mother never understood my passion but she accepted it and in her own way supported it. My dad reckons ‘go for it’ – whatever it is. Well meaning friends and acquaintances say be careful. Very few people have actually bothered to ask why I feel led certain ways.

Very few have taken the time to invest in my talent. The people who support my talent are often those outside my faith or on the edge (those who have faith but are moving away from church and organised religion). I am good at what I do. I have worked at it and I studied it. This burns in my veins. It is what I desperately want to do. It’s what relaxes and calms me. It’s what fires me up.

So where does all this leave me and those like me? Those of us who are gifted and passionate. Those of us who want to stay true to our giftings, callings and passions. Or is it simply a matter of forsaking the search for advice and know that the path before me is difficult and at the best of times people not on that path just don’t have a grasp of it?

How do I find people who can stand with me, offer guidance, support and prayer? Where do I go to look for that counsel? How do I walk that balance of faith and ability?

My 100th Post, A Little Audition Piece I Put Together...