Reflections

It seems that more and more people are publicly reflecting on their year, that's what being on line does I suppose. So many are saying what a terrible year they had in 2013 and how they hope 2014 will be great.

How about we don't just hope. How about we make necessary changes and make 2014 better. Let's not rely on external factors to dictate our year.
Like most people I had a mixed year. Sad moments when goodbyes were said; great moments like completing Tough Mudder; frustrating ones like when the house loan fell through; peaceful moments; joyous ones; annoying ones; amusing ones and yes even enlightening ones. I choose though not to focus on the negative.
See it is so easy to do just that.
We find no difficulty in looking back over an arbitrary time like 12 months and seeing only the dross. We see the bigger things but ignore the smaller ones. Look closer at those though for I'm pretty sure it is those smaller things that got you through. It is the things that you can easily take for granted; friends, family, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and food in your mouth, that we often ignore.

My family get me through every day of a job that I strangely like but many wouldn't want to have to do. I come home to them and the crap of the day doesn't matter. My family stand by my side and accept all my silliness, all my strangeness, all the unusual tendencies that go along with being a creative person. My friends encourage me, they support me, they push me and accept me. Without friends I would never have done something as ridiculous as the 20 obstacle race known as Tough Mudder, I wouldn't already be signed up for 2014 or for a different one as well.
I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, so I am fortunate to enjoy my job, mostly but it doesn't make me rich. What it does do though is feed and clothe my family, it also means I can buy them certain luxuries, things like movies, games, holidays. I still don't have my own house yet and sure that sometimes bugs me but there is no point stressing over that when there is so much else that is good in my life.
I would say to you as you reflect on the past with your eyes turned to the future, don't forget to see the little things. Did your kids come home safe from school having learnt something? That is a good thing. Did little Miss 6 start acting a certain way that no matter how much you know you shouldn't laugh you can't help yourself? That's a good thing. Did master 5 loose a tooth and get all excited that the Tooth Fairy swapped it out for money? That is a good thing. Did things not go according to plan? Open your eyes a little and allow for some time, then look at it again and maybe you will find that really it was a good thing.
And no not everything is good, some things really are crap, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to be crap. The year my mother died, I gained a daughter and a nephew. I've lost jobs before and been kicked out of houses, neither of which were pleasant experiences but they didn't make the rest of my life crap. I've lost friends and had my heart broken, I've been so confused and depressed that I cut myself. I've been rejected, teased, bullied and these things all hurt but I still had people around who loved me, I still had hope and potential.

Am I where I wish I was? No not really. Am I okay with that? Definitely. I am still on my life journey, there is still a long way to go. I have goals sure but no resolutions. I will make choices on a daily basis and that will dictate how my year goes regardless of what crap life may choose to throw at me. They say don't sweat the small stuff (and it's all small stuff) but maybe we should sometimes remember to look at that small stuff and realise just how fortunate we might be.

Right now though as the clock ticks over to the new year I am sitting at my computer, with a glass of wine, some chocolate, doing one of the things I love - writing. That for me is not a bad thing.
Here is to an awesome year to come filled to the brim with things that make you happy, choose to be happy.

Trying to Keep On Top

Somedays really drag,

I wish they didn't but that is the truth of it. There are just so many things I want to be doing with my time - reading, writing, training, catching up with friends. The stuff I have to do doesn't even rate on my list - cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing. I freely admit I am a sucky housekeeper, I would much rather be curled up with a book until ridiculous hours of the morning than do my dishes. Growing up is about understanding that some things just need to get done and believe me there are days I wish I could forget I'm supposed to be a grown up. How can you follow your dreams when reality gets in the way? How can I work on getting published when I work 12 hr shifts? The truth is I only manage by doing what I can each day. If that means it is only a few words, then at least it is still better with the number of words I had started the day with. Because I review books even sitting curled up with a book is considered productive on some level for me (a fact for which I am eternally grateful although it would be nice to get paid to do it). Sometimes it feels the least productive days are the ones I'm at work, though without those I couldn't afford to do the other things I love. I have to admit though at least I have a job I like, and yes I am fully aware of the fact that most people struggle to understand how I could like it, (it helps to have a twisted sense of humour). With Tough Mudder looming next weekend that has more of my focus right now than my writing does, but that will change once Mudder is over, no matter what the result. I get that people think I'm silly to want to do this, for me though it is the challenge of doing something I never would have dreamed possible a few years ago. I suppose life is a varied and awesome thing and if you are prepared to embrace it and the changes it throws your way then your life can be so much more than you thought possible. You don't need to be some kind of special and superhuman to achieve this, you just need to be flexible enough to change and determined enough to keep moving forward even if it is only one baby step at a time.

A Culture of Blame

My job puts me in many a strange situation. It was never a job I thought I would have. It's not really the sort of job you think about at any time when someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

The thing I want to talk about today is devolution.

I have never in my life seen anyone devolve so totally as I did this week. I saw a grown woman go from being a 30 something to a little child in the space of several minutes.
It was freaky. Seeing someone who has functioned like an adult in every situation you've seen them in, suddenly sit there, rocking, shaking, refusing to open her eyes and crying for her mummy.
In amongst the info dump that happened in those 20 odd minutes where I tried to talk her down, or back to reality, I noticed something. A decided lack of responsibility.
Everyone else was responsible for the position this woman found herself in.

It is so sad that a great number of us have crappy moments in our lives and we just get on with it, but there is an increasing number, it seems, who think everything bad that happens to them is because of what someone else does or did. It's the police's fault that someone goes to jail - it's got nothing to do with the drugs they were on and the actions they took. It's the old person's fault they nearly died because they wouldn't hand over their money and jewellery. And the list goes on.
Me, things don't go as planned well I come up with another plan. I may rant and rave, even throw the occasional pillow but I certainly don't go and commit a crime and blame someone else. Believe me I have had quiet a few downs in my life, more bumps in the road than I would have liked. It can be hard when you know people who always seem to land on their feet. You know the ones - those who squander the amazing opportunities you would give, well not quite anything for, but then they get another and another. You want to slap them upside the head, jump up and down and demand they introduce you to the person who made them the offer because you would like nothing more than to say 'pick me'. It is not to be though, and so we pick ourselves up and go on.
I don't really know where this culture of blame has come from and to be honest I don't know if it's really getting worse or if I just notice it more the older I get.
It is so sad. It makes me want to just take some of these people and shake some sense into them. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure that won't work. No amount of shaking will make a difference till these people want to step up and start acting like adults and taking responsibility. Sure crap happens and it's not always in our control what happens to us but how we respond, that is within our control.

Resolutions

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I kind of don't see the point. I like the intention but the idea of forming them the way people do, as often unattainable challenges for the year, well I don't see the point. However I do find the change of year a good time to evaluate life. Where it's going, what I'm doing and am I any closer to achieving what I want out of it.
The last few years I've really felt that THIS year is the year things are going to change for us and we will get our breakthrough. Needless to say we are still here and there hasn't been anything I would consider to be a breakthrough. Survival yes, breakthrough, not so much. So I've decided not to seek out a breakthrough this year. In fact I'm going to do my best to ignore the thought all together. Now that I've voiced it though it may not be so easy.
In the past I've decided I'm going to be more organised, somehow it never really lasts. This year I've just started being more organised. I write down certain things I need to do and make sure I do them. I know simple really isn't it. Always is when I start and I always start with the best intentions. I've managed it for two weeks so far.
The other thing is I think I need a career change. I know I want one. The way I'm thinking of going  isn't a place I've thought of going before and if it wasn't for a chance encounter then I never would have considered it. Now I've done more than consider it, I've researched it and when the applications open I'm going for it. I still want to be a writer and act but I really want something that will challenge me and do more than put the food on the table. A house would be nice too. The thing with decisions like this is they often require great change. They require the willingness to leap out into the great unknown and take a chance.
A bit like faith in a way. We all know I struggle with that. I feel that many times I've flung myself out there and only just survived by the tips of my fingers. This year though seems like it may be a year of guts, courage and the ability to shut your eyes and say 'to hell with it'. My thoughts at this point are 'I hope you are in this God but I'm not waiting for you to say yay or nay, I'm flinging myself at this door anyway. If it's nay it'll hurt when I slam into the door but at least I will have tried.'
This year may not be a year of failed resolutions or breakthrough, but I hope at least to look back on it in 12 months and know it was the year I did my best.

Masterchef@home

An interesting thought popped into my head this week and that was there were probably people who thought my hubby was lazy and took advantage of me. The reason I’m bringing this up is two fold: 1) I never really considered this; 2) I’ve never understood women who let themselves be walked over and their dreams ignored, in favour of their partner.

Strangely this all spring-boarded from cooking. I know that’s strange but none-the-less…

Last weekend I hit a really low point. It was closing week of the show I was doing, work was being a pain and I haven’t been sleeping well. It all culminated with me having a mini break apart something along the lines of ‘You need to step up because I can’t keep doing all this anymore. When you were working I did everything around the house, now I’m working I’m still doing it all. From now on you need to cook two meals a week.’

This may not seem like much but it was a big thing for me to ask. I don’t like to admit I’m not coping and I don’t like to ask for help. Also hubby has often said he’s not good at cooking anything except spaghetti bolognaise.

To tie this into my two points, not long ago a friend said she thought he wasn’t carrying his share of the weight. I just excused it as a creative low. Yes he has been in one of those but it’s no excuse. Some of our problem (because when it involves family it becomes our) was him but in some ways the bigger part of the problem was me. I didn’t ask or let him know I was struggling. Cooking is something I mostly don’t mind doing and I didn’t want to live on spaghetti every night so I only asked him to cook on occasion. Guess what though? It turns out with a little practice cooking is something he is going to be fairly good at and I think he actually enjoys it.

So he has stepped up, in fact he did nearly all the cooking this last week. And our eldest is interested in learning so they will get the chance to do some of that together. Another bonus as far as I can see.

Moving on to point two. It may seem that the two points aren’t connected but just bear with me. There are women who do everything for their partner’s and it often seems as though they do little for themselves. I have wondered, I admit, why they let their partner dictate their whole life. I didn’t see that from the outside my life probably looked a bit like that because I have a tendency to do everything and let hubby do whatever he wants. Part of the reason I didn’t see it was because I still get to write and play at the theatre. He has never asked me nor expected me to give up those things. Yes a lot more money has gone on his pursuits than mine but mine don’t require much equipment and he is always encouraging me to spend more money on myself. So I’ve never really thought of it as being taken advantage of.

The dynamic of our relationship is a natural state of unbalance, he’s a phleg personality and I ‘m a choleric; that is he’s laid back (yes sometimes lazy) and I’m ‘let’s do it now and the right way which is my way’. He is not inclined to volunteer to do something I seem okay doing and I’m not inclined to ask him to help. Somewhat of an impasse really.

So what have I learnt? Sometimes things aren’t what they seem if you are on the outside looking in. And sometimes when you are inside looking out you can’t see what’s really there. Also sometimes the problem isn’t always the other person (it’s often hard to see the problems with ourselves).

Thankyou God for eyes to see, courage to ask for help, a husband who hears and does and the wisdom of friends.

Interesting Week

Well this has been an interesting week. I had an audition I thought went fairly well, but then the director didn’t bother to let me know what he’d decided, now you don’t necessarily expect to hear from some directors but when they assure you they will then well nothing…so needless to say I got annoyed and a little bit down. Someone once told me if I can’t handle rejection then I should not be involved in performance. He was right, and in my head I know I can do this but sometimes when junk like this happens and I know I did a better audition than the girl who was cast and I am actually the right age not 10 or so years too young, then I doubt.

When I doubt I get down and this time my hubby got in touch with some people and told them I was doubting my ability and they got in touch to kick my ass for being stupid and letting some director get to me. I have great friends, friends I know support me and will no doubt tell me if I suck, but they knew I was struggling and they took the time to check on me. Now that is friendship.

So I made some decisions, we’ve booked our holiday tickets and I’ve came up with an idea for another novel. Then there is also the fantasy story I’m working on. So lots going on even if it wasn’t all what I thought it would be.

I have great friends and a man who understands me. It’s all pretty good really.

Opportunities

How many opportunities do we miss because we are focussed on one day when?

It is such an easy trap to fall into, part of living in a materialistic society, there is just so much to want. And don’t you dare lay the blame for that at the feet of the advertisers. It’s our own greed and perceptions that lead us by the nose down this road.

For example we’d like to own our own house and so we still dream about that one day when. The thing is though, our idea of a house is sheer luxury to many because it includes more than one bathroom, a studio and a guest room. We very easily focus on what tangible things we have and say we will help charity when… I win lotto, I get a promotion, I have enough money to have everything I want.

Now small amounts of money is something I have a lot of experience with. I know it’s possible to survive on less than what you may think and we still have things that should be considered luxuries. I say this only because it may show to you that I know what I am about to suggest is possible. When you go food shopping if pasta or tins of soup or veg are on special add an extra one or two to your shopping, it could be as little as 2 or 3 dollars and after a month or two you will have enough to donate a food parcel to charity. When you go toy shopping and stumble across those awesome 70% discounts buy an extra one if you can and it’s a present for a kid in a shelter. These sort of things don’t need to be big or expensive, sometimes we convince ourselves that they do.

You can give more than you might think for 5 or 10 dollars, be creative and if you can get special deals for certain things then play to your strengths and find someway to donate that sort of gift. Then of course this is just talking about material things, there are plenty of other ways to help.

As much as the internet and computers are blamed for the demise of true interaction it’s anonymity does enable us to listen to those we might not otherwise be able to. It makes it possible for us to reach out to someone on the other side of the world and give them someone to confide in. There are chat groups for most things, find something you have experience with and find someone to listen to. For me it’s to do with self-harm, for you it could be eating disorders, miscarriage, abusive relationships, depression, there are so many possibilities and we all have experience in something.

Another option is to look at your skill set. Maybe you are a great cook so you could invite someone to dinner. Maybe you are good with money so you could give people pointers on budgeting. Once again the options are limited only by your own imagination and willingness.

We need to find confidence in who we are now, in this moment and in the things we have because only when we are equipped with that can we give it back out.

I got the idea for this blog from church so as I wrap up I’m going to include forgiveness, grace and mercy, with a note that as ephemeral as these things are we don’t always feel we’ve received them. Just because we don’t always feel something doesn’t mean we don’t have it. Sometimes we just haven’t acted on it. Not believing that God has forgiven you doesn’t mean it isn’t so. To give a more personal example, sometimes I don’t necessarily feel loved, but if I stop and think for two seconds I will remember that I am despite how down I feel. Sometimes it’s as simple (but not necessarily easy) as knowing something in your head and acting on it, then the feeling may come.

We need to stop wasting time looking for excuses of ‘I will when’…(I have something or feel something)…because quite honestly ‘when’ may never happen. In the meantime life still goes on and you are probably better off than others, if you could just take your eyes off yourself long enough to notice.

Some Days

Some days it just pays to stand back and appreciate what you have. Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the crap on the surface. You know : the bills that need to be paid; the person who sat on you on the train for most of the journey, without apologising; the fact the kids are yelling and you just want five minutes peace and quiet.

Take a look around now with a different pair of glasses on. Bills mean you have a roof over your head, food on the table and hot water to wash in. The train journey is the best form of transport to and from a job you love, and besides it gives you the chance to listen to your music not Hi-5 and some time to write. Yelling kids is just loud play, play is healthy and it means they don’t mind spending time with each other.

Some days it just pays because it’s the small things that put that smile on your face.

Rejection

Rejection bites! I should know, I’m a double threat rejection magnet – I’m an actress and a writer. Let me tell you something, both these industries can be brutal.

Rejection isn’t something new in my life, so why am I choosing to write about it now? Well if you must know, I’ve been rejected on both fronts in two days. Yesterday I got a ‘thanks but no thanks’ e-mail from a literary agent (by no means my first), {this one said - As to your material I'm afraid I must pass -- I'm just not enthusiastic enough about the premise of your story to feel that I'd be the right agent for the project. Our agency represents a very full list of fiction writers and we must be highly selective in adding to it. I realize it is difficult to judge your potential from a query; nevertheless please know that I give serious attention to every letter, outline, and writing sample I receive.}

And today I found out I didn’t get a call back for a show I auditioned for. By no means do I expect a yes for every audition but I thought I did a pretty got job of it.

Anyway I’ve decided I shouldn’t check my e-mails before going to work.

So, now I’m down, bruised and trying to hold back the tears that threaten (hey I know it’s silly but I’m an emotional kinda girl), all because a couple of people didn’t see anything they could believe in, in my work. However as my man said : an audition is simply a job interview, and that is so true.

I guess I’m also pissed off because I allowed myself to hope. I gave myself permission to want and to believe, when part of my brain was saying – don’t be an idiot, when you get knocked back it will hurt more.

So I repeat, rejection bites! However life goes on and while I may be feeling the painful sting of it all now, I know I’ll get up, brush myself off, write again, audition again and hope again. I’ll hold fast to the words a director I worked with, once said to me, ‘You have the talent to do what ever you want.’ After all I know I’ll get there one day.

Curve Balls

Life just happens, though it might be more apt to insert another four letter word at the start of that sentence. We got booted out of our old place, found a new one for quite a bit more money but that meant we couldn't save for a house of our own. We accepted that this was the right choice for us now and looked forward to living in a nice house and having enough money to finally pursue a little more actively our passions. That is to say we were planning to use our holidays filming and stuff.
Now we get another curve ball or two. My job was supposed to be expanded by now, but the second store hasn't opened yet. No stress really coz we're still both working, guess again, yesterday my hubby was fired because he's not a high pressure sales person. He doesn't believe in the hard sell to get people to buy what they really don't want, unfortanately this recession, or whatever it is we're in, means the company he works for used this to justify interveiwing someone else for his job before he knew he was out of a job. So much for company loyalty.
I shouldn't really complain because he's not the only one to lose his job because of the bottom line, he's bringing in money but it's not as much as before the recession so he's got to go. Not sure that's really his fault though. But then I am biased.
Here's the next thing, I just got my tax benefit and this has placed us in a frustrating position. Do we use this money as our safety net and wittle it away until he can get another job, or do we do what we originally planned and update our computers so we can pursue the filming, editing, etc things we want to?
When you believe you're doing what God wants and then the bottom falls out of it what are you supposed to think? That we must have been wrong? Or that this is how God plans to show his hand in using that which makes no sense to us mere humans? We've made our decision, what would you decide?