I Have A Teenager

So I mean well. I really do, but getting around to writing for three blogs, still reading books to review and doing everything else takes time.
Speaking of time I am now the mother of a teenager.
How did that happen?
It really boggles my mind. When I think about it, I know I'm old enough, but my usual answer is I'm not mature enough.
I feel sometimes as though I'm drowning. Being a teenager is so different in so many ways to when I was growing up. Of course the other main difference is she's really into things like fashion. Me I couldn't give a stuff, I like my jeans, t-shirts and trainers. She loves shoes. I don't get it. What I do get is that it is her thing and so even though I'm totally out of my depth when it comes to this kind of thing, I take her shopping. It makes her happy.
School is another thing. I was never popular so I have no advice to offer there. When she comes home with questions like, 'Mum what do I do when a boy puts his hand down my friend's top and she doesn't want him to?', well there I am on far steadier ground. Bullying seems so much more intense. I was picked on, yes bullied all through my school years and yes it had an effect on my psyche. I was never beaten up and that is so much more prevalent today. That is another thing I can deal with, 'as long as you don't throw the first punch I will back you all the way.'
Everyday I'm thankful my girls come home in one piece. A little bit of emotional damage, broken heart, social uncertainty, all of that I can handle.
Last year she was so moody, I thought I was never going to get through it. But we did. This year things have levelled out some and I have been so relieved. The biggest issues this year have been friends, finding her comfort zone, getting her to do her chores and keeping her grades up, I just want a passing grade that's all.
Ups and downs are part of family life and my little girl is growing up. She had her first high school dance this year. Amongst other things. She's already talking about getting a job when she's old enough.
Parenting is a minefield that most of us are never really ready for. Each developmental stage has its own pitfalls. It is a juggling act and a tightrope act all in one. On the upside, that fact she's made it this far without being killed is a good sign. Hopefully I'll be able to get her through this next stage without either of us doing the other permanent damage.
Tonight I saw her prancing around in a pair of wedge high heels and short shorts and I realised how in trouble I'm going to be when she really starts dating. But then I have a very special set of skills that I've been honing for just that eventuality.
Also lets see if I can write here more than twice a year from now on.

Hate: A Waste of Time

I feel the need to rant a little. In fact to be honest this one has been building for a while. I mean I have all these good intentions to blog regularly but I'm soo busy at the moment that it just doesn't happen. Life has a tendency to get like that, what with working full time, writing a book or two, being a wife and mother and a convention junkie.

Now though is the time, I'm making time. Today I have some things to say about haters.

For crying out loud people why is gay marriage still a damn issue?

No seriously why?

I recently had the privilege of attending the wedding of two lovely ladies I work with and guess what? No smiting happened. Actually the opposite did, it had been a miserable couple of days weather wise but it stayed dry for their out of doors ceremony and when it came time to exchange their vows the sun came out from behind the clouds bathing them in glorious golden light. Make of that what you will haters.

Here's the way I see it, as long as it is between two consenting adults I don't care who you do in your bedroom or how. Why should I, it's none of my damn business and affects me in no way. I am not about to start picking my friends based on sexual preference.

In the spirit of honesty I wasn't always this clear about my opinions on this topic. I grew up a Christian in a time when faith was struggling with how to come to terms with this whole 'gay' thing, and they still are struggling. In fact I unwittingly pushed away a friend because I said to her that I didn't necessarily like her choice (I'd always known her to be straight or probably and more accurately trying to be straight), or understand it, but that didn't mean I wanted to stop being friends. For her it was who she was not some choice she made, back then I didn't really understand that.

Age and life can be a wonderful teacher if we let it.

I've always thought the biblical arguments to be faulty something other people have dealt with more eloquently than I could, so I won't deal with that here. (You can try here for one post I liked).

The thing is though there are so many more important issues we could be pouring time and money into. 

Domestic violence has killed women in the double figures already this year, but it gets only cursory mention every now and then.

Violence against women (in fact in general) seems disturbingly on the rise and so much of the media is focussed on how women shouldn't go places by themselves or out at night or any number of other things. The press and focus is on what the victims should and shouldn't do when surely it should be on the behaviour of the perpetrators. Earlier this year a 15 year old sexually assaulted a young woman on her way home during the day. He got a damn slap on the wrist, a punishment validated by the words (paraphrased) 'he is a young boy struggling with his lustful urges and his faith'. Um sorry what? 

What kind of message does that send? To me it says we are more concerned with to perpetrator than the victim. 

Yet gay marriage somehow seems like a bigger issue. It makes no sense to me.

But then haters make for more interesting news footage and their vitriol makes for better sound bites.

Then there is the whole Kaitlyn Jenner thing. Seriously why should I give a stuff. I care nothing for anything Jenner/Kardashian related. There are far more important things going on in the world than any word that could come out of any of their mouths, yet the amount of press generated by that family... the amount of money thrust at them could probably feed a starving country. 

Sure Kaitlyn's transformation got some discussion happening about transgender but really, was it only me who thought the focus very quickly shifted to some rubbish popularity thing. Very little helped or changed on the ground level for those living with transgender issues in their lives.

The struggle these families face everyday boggle my mind. The sheer range of emotionally charged things they need to consider are potentially shattering. Despite all this the focus of some is the selfishness of the parents 'pushing' their children towards unnatural decisions. The horror of our children being placed in a position that will allow them to be corrupted if we talk about these things openly. As adults we need to grow the heck up. There is an awful lot we can learn from kids, if we just let them teach us.

Have I talked about being gay with my kids? Yes. It went a little like this - 'Mum they are both girls', 'yes honey Grace has two mums, instead of having a boyfriend they are girlfriends,' 'oh, wierd, but okay'. And that was the end of that.

Have I talked to my children about transgender? Yes. It went like this. 'Mum I've invited these people to my party, *** is transgender', me - uh! And by the time my brain processed what had been said my child had walked off to do something else. Clearly this is something she thinks is worthy of concern. In fact her only concern is that her friend has thoughts of suicide.  

Finding your identity and dealing with being a teenager is hard enough when you fit the accepted norm, we need to work to help those who don't. Believe me you want to say something hate filled and full of criticism and condemnation to this child you bloody well do it through me, this child deserves none of it.

I am sick of the hate.

Know what other topics have been spoken about in my house recently? Racism, the look of confusion on my child's face when told there was a time coloured people and white people couldn't do things together was wonderful - absolute questioning why? It seemed silly to her.

Equality. My youngest was infuriated when I told her that in some countries as a girl she wouldn't be allowed to go to school and learn things. That's so not fair she said.

My children will learn that skin colour, sexuality and gender are no way to judge a person or limit what they can do.

My wonderful hubby asked why I was writing this post? The only answer I really have is that it's been bugging me and I hadn't written anything to address it. This is how I get stuff out of my system. I blog, I rant and then I move on. It's like I've had my say, done my bit. It's so easy to fall into the social media trap of commenting on those posts that drive you bonkers but really that's unlikely to do anything. The truth is they tend to descend into A vs B and neither side are willing to change their opinions, the hate just becomes more ingrained.

This hating needs to stop people.

Save your energy for things that matter, for fights that matter. Paraphrasing one of my munchkins - there are more important things in the world that need to be sorted out.

#AlwaysKeepFighting

I could have sworn I'd posted more recently here. Clearly not. I must have been imagining things. Well it wouldn't be the first time.
This year has already been so busy. Work, kids growing older, writing, fitness, family, friends. Life really.
I'd like to say it has all been awesome, after all the crap that happened last year. But it hasn't. And you know what, that is life. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Life can be wonderful, or terrible. The trick is to embrace both and get hung up on neither.
See the terrible can open doors to realisations - a friendship that needs more time because it is limited, a person you need to walk away from because you simply don't need that much toxic in your life.
The wonderful can give you hope - that dreams can come true, that you're not too old, or too anything else, to do what you want.
They balance each other out. If you focus too heavily on the bad you struggle to see the good and if you float too much on the great then when the bad happens the crash is so much harder to recover from.

Today is not a great day for me, I feel down, a bit frustrated and to be honest a little depressed. For no real reason I might add. Depression can be like that. My head can be a rather fucked up place to be. Part of me wants to do nothing but curl up in bed and sleep, or maybe read. I don't want to deal with the kids, I don't want to talk to hubby. I just want to hide myself away from it all.
But I won't. I'm lucky, my depression is mild in the grand scheme of things, and I've been living with it for so long I have a pretty decent handle on how to deal with it: I throw myself into writing; I make sure I push aside the grump and hug my kids, embrace something awesome about them and smile with them; I apologise for my crappy mood to my hubby, who blessedly understands and knows how to hold me steady; and yes I read, immerse myself in someone else's world for a while; I even make myself exercise.
In other words I try to do things that are normal for me. I try to smile, not the fake 'everything is alright' bullshit smile but a real, right down inside kind of smile.
Sometimes these bouts of depression last days, sometimes only hours. I'm lucky. Like I said my experience is only mild. Others don't have it so lucky. For others the suffocating grey encroaches their day or night, it pulls them downwards and inwards to the point they just can't be bothered with anything. Telling them to buck up isn't the answer. Allowing them to talk can help. Just sitting with them can do wonders. Don't try to fix them. If you can get them help great. For some that comes in the form of medication or counselling, if that could be the answer encourage them. Mostly I think it is important for them to not feel alone. Allow them to be real about their feelings. If they feel like crap that's not wrong, it just is. Hold them and love them through it.
This world we live in can be hard. So many put so much of themselves out there that the rest of us  wonder what the hell we are doing wrong. My life isn't as together as such and such's. My butt isn't as perfect as hers. He just posted a pic of his ripped abs, well I can't do that. She always has such good days and great luck. I'll never get the opportunities he gets. Why should I bother when I can't compete with that. Their kids are so well behaved. My kid is so moody yet hers is just perfect - what am I doing wrong?

You know what, STOP!
I mean it. Stop trying to compare yourself to others. I reckon if people were to social media truthfully the picture would be very different. We would then realise most people don't have it all together. We only pick and choose the good bits to share. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people should air their dirty laundry on line. I think we do it because we want to see which side of the argument or whatever is more popular. We need to stop oversharing and stop thinking all the positive means everyone but us has it all together.
See social media is like that old chestnut 'how are you?' People who ask that mostly don't want to know. They want you to say 'great how are you?' It is pointless small talk and not meant for truth. I went through a phase where I would ignore that question or say, 'I don't know you so I don't feel I have to answer that', or something similar. It was funny, someone got really upset with me one day for not answering that question, they didn't know how to cope when I didn't play their game.
But I digress. Don't base your happiness around what people post. They may be feeling terrible but doing everything they can to protect some image they believe they have. Unless you really know someone, you don't know them. Most of us have no idea how much our acquaintances struggle everyday. There are certainly enough things to struggle with - perceptions, popularity, protecting our image, weight, beauty… the list goes on.
Just be you. If you feel down today find someone to talk to, or just to hug you. If you don't know anyone find a group, if you don't want to do that, message me. The grey and cold don't last, they don't have to last. You don't need to go it alone. Picking yourself up isn't always easy but you can do it. Look for that hand that is their just waiting for you to grab and grab it. Have someone's back or let someone have yours.
#AlwaysKeepFighting

A Difficult Time Of Year

This year has sucked…
In some places.
But in others it has really been awesome.
Sometimes it is so easy to focus on the bad. What is it about us that makes us geared that way? Why is when we look back we measure in negatives?
See this year saw me injured, assaulted, stuff up something that ended up costing me money that I could have used elsewhere and lose my father. All of which rated on the crappy scale somewhere.
Then the last week or three has been filled with so much tragedy to so many people, on a personal and national scale.
If that is all I focus on then well, by all means 2014 you can piss off and I'm glad to be done with you.

But…
And the thing about but is that it kind of cancels out what came before it.
But…
I completed my first Spartan, my second Tough Mudder, proved myself in a few extremely tough situations, learnt some awesome skills, made some awesome friends and possibly, yes possibly found myself a publisher. Oh and as much as I miss my father, I know he isn't suffering as much as he was anymore. Then there was the awesome family holiday we had (the first in years) and the weekend hubby and I got to go to Sydney without the kids (first time in 11 years). Oh and all the fun stories I have from my SupaNova experiences.
So really, 2014 wasn't all that terrible.

And yet as Christmas is almost upon us it behooves us to be aware of how both the end of the coming year and the festive season effect others.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of good cheer and a celebration of human spirit. If you are a person of faith it is a time to remember the birth of Christ and the spirit in which he came to us. Regardless of your faith and how you celebrate, regardless of your feelings on the commercial behemoth that Christmas has become, it is a time to embrace friends and family, to look at who you are and examine what really matters.
For some of us, that is no easy thing. Christmas can be a time of sad memories, high stress, isolation and increased depression.
The things we have lost are often foremost in our minds. For those like me, who have lost someone this year it doesn't mean we can't celebrate. Would our loved ones really want us to not enjoy this time of year. We shouldn't feel guilty about the moments of joy we find, like we shouldn't feel guilty if we want or need to take time to grieve.

The thing Christmas has become, is in many ways a far cry from its roots. There is undoubtably great pressure that comes, to get the right present, the most expensive or the biggest number or whatever. It is so easy to forget how much of a crock that really is. Don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for Christmas. I love it, I love gift giving but I am so often incredibly aware of my budget. Do I wish I could give my girls more? Sure. I wish I could give them the world. Do I know that isn't a great idea? Sure again. So I try to find a balance even though I'm not always very good at it.
Our inability to do as society says, to give what they advertise as the hottest thing or whatever, shouldn't add to the pressure in our lives. Even knowing that doesn't change the fact it often does. It doesn't alter the fact that increased financial pressure (because we all know bills don't stop at this time of year) adds to our stress. Inability and the related stress cause a plummet in people's ability to cope, to keep a smile on their faces, there is then an increase in depression.
The other thing about a holiday like this one is that it can really increase our feelings of isolation. Not everyone has a lot of friends. Not everyone has a functional family or even a dysfunctional one that can at least get together to make silly Christmas memories.

In short for a large number of people this time of year is hard. It stinks. I wish it didn't.
I wish it was easier for us to let go of the crap, and not to focus on the bad. I wish things like Sydney and Cairns didn't happen (ever let alone this time of year). I wish I had the inclination to simplify at this time of year and maybe lead by some example, but I can't, or won't. Not this year. Maybe next, and maybe never. I wish I could teach people to let go of the negative, but for each of us that is a personal choice.
As the year draws to a close we also are incredibly aware of just how much we haven't done. The resolutions we didn't keep. The goals we didn't reach. You know what? Life goes on. It can get better. You need to choose to make it better.

Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't let the decisions you made in the heat of the moment or a drunken binge rule your life. You can have a better future, maybe not the one where you get the job that pays you millions, or the lotto win where you don't need to work any more. Maybe the better future is the one where you decide to make the effort to connect with friends more often, or lose two kilos instead of ten or even walk away from that toxic friendship that is bringing you so down.
Happiness at any time of the year doesn't always come from big things. It doesn't come from the presents under the tree, or the cards on the mantle. Happiness is when you know your worth, when you are doing what makes you happy not what makes everyone else happy. I wish I could find the way to make people understand that. I wish people could see that if we work on the smaller things, quite often the bigger ones fall into place.
I wish people understood that happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. Mostly it comes from knowing ourselves, and  accepting ourselves.
I wish, I wish.
I know I can't buy my family the same things friends of ours can afford and you know what, I'm fine with that.
I know I'm not going to get some of the things I would love to get in the next 12 months but I am also fine with that.
I know that others don't understand my drive for fitness and strength, my joy in sparring with my hubby and my geeky nature, and I am fine with that.
I accept myself. I wish others could too, if nothing else it would alleviate some of the stress of this time of year.
Don't let this season get the better of you. Don't give up on the future. Don't lose heart. Remember the highs, the good moments, let go of the bad.
I hope for all of you out there that you find a way to get some moment of positivity and happiness in this festive yet difficult time.

I Am Spartan!

Yesterday I did something awesome.

That's right I completed my first Spartan Sprint. It's not my first obstacle race but I've got to say I think it's the toughest one. It was in a word brutal. And yet it was awesome.
Let me dissect that a little for you.
Spartan started for us at 0840am, it was cold, the sun wasn't even over the hill yet and the breeze was brisk.

That's the gentle sloping side, the side we had to go part way up carrying sandbags.
Anyway we started in such a fun way, by going for a swim.

Holy crap it was cold. Then we crawled under barbed wire, jumped some fences and headed up the most brutal hill I've ever seen. Trust me it looked tough when I was at the base and still dry and semi warm. We faced rope climbs, weight challenges, the dreaded spear throw, monkey bars with a twist, mud crawls, cargo ropes and lots and lots of water. Then of course the burpees.

(I was so tired by here, really close to the end)
In case you didn't know burpees suck at the best of times let alone when legs are shaking and cramping and you body is screaming at you for making the decision to do this stupid thing in the first place.
Finally you get to the end and you don't really care how long it took but it feels so incredible just to have finished.
Why was the Spartan race so cool and so important to me?
Because I am not so young any more and I've never been particularly sporty. Spartan is a challenge. Seven kms of pain that is more about, can I finish it, than can I win anything.
In 2008 a bunch of us met as cast and crew for a theatre production, if anyone had said that in 2014 we'd be volunteering to do a race such as this we'd have laughed so hard and asked what they were on. yet it's 2014 and here we are.

I started running as an anger management tool. I was frustrated and needed a way to deal with it without taking it out on my family. It soon became a love/hate thing. I run because I need the cardio workout (my body craves it), I do the other things because I really enjoy the challenge of them. We all have our own reasons. They are all slightly different but we pull together as a team when it matters.
Sure you can do Spartan by yourself (you'd have to be bigger and fitter than me to do so) but sometimes it is better to do things in a team.
It's like life, sometimes the pain comes and we feel we have no choice but to just push through by ourselves. It might be a good time to remember that there is strength in numbers. I'm short I cannot get over a 10 foot wall by myself, I'm stubborn and I won't let my team mates give up also I can sit on the top of the wall and help pull you up. I have my strengths and my weaknesses. Everyone has them. Together we got the team over the line, and through all the pain we had fun with it.

I love my team.

Life is a team event.

It is also about how you choose to face it. I'm older than I've ever been and fitter than I've ever been. People think I'm nuts, not just because I'm a geek or an obstacle racer, but I'm me and I'm comfortable with all my wackiness. I am also only one of 42 women aged 40-49 who took on the Spartan race and I came in 27th. I'm so happy with that. The stats overall were over 450 women raced and I came in at around 278 from memory. I couldn't have done it by myself.
I tell you what though, a couple of those first few obstacles nearly stopped me in my tracks. Sometimes life can be that brutal, particularly when it comes to chasing our dreams. We hit an obstacle and decide there is no way we can go any further. I'm here to tell you, you absolutely can. That ice water is only shocking and freezing while you're in it and not moving. Swim through it and get out and run. That mountain is only a hill with an amazing view to appreciate once you get to the top.
The only person in life you have to make happy is yourself (because funnily enough when you are happy you want to make others happy), the only person you have to be better than is yourself yesterday. Set your own goals and don't let the haters, or laughers stop you.
Set your targets, find that person or group of people who will stand by you, encourage you and pick you up when you stumble. And we all stumble.
I am Spartan!
Who are you?

Not Where I Started Going

(I started going in a different direction with this post then it went this way.)

I keep meaning to write for this blog, I really do. I even have some really good rants half done in my head. Problem is with a bunch of them they are time appropriate. If I don't get them down at a certain time they no longer seem so relevant.

I will however take a moment to reflect on gender stereotypes. This is one that bugs me on a regular basis and I know I'm not the only one. It goes through strong movements on line and then periods where people move on to different topics.

Today is a good day to reflect on it even briefly though.

The cast for the new Star Wars film has been announced. Yes others will be announced further down the line I'm sure, and no one really knows what it's going to be about yet. Or at least not in detail. The problem I have is the problem many fans have - 'What the hell happened to the awesome female characters'?

No offence to Princess Leia but seriously the extended universe has some amazing characters that aren't even getting a look in. Sure I understand not wanting to delve into the extended universe that already stands but that is no excuse to ignore the fantastic inroads it has made, especially for the universe's young female fans.

My eldest cried when Ahsoka said she was leaving, then again when told that was the end of the show. These characters give our girls something different to model themselves on. I much rather she watch Star Wars, Stargate and Firefly, than those vapid shows about boys and girls and girls trying to get a boyfriend. Meeting Amanda Tapping was a magical experience for her.

Now though one of her favourite franchises is returning to some out dated male centric story line. Give me a break. We girls are sick of being told the weapons are for boys whilst the dresses and makeup and kitchen utensils are for us. (At least in the kitchen are knives…never piss me off in the kitchen.) Women are strong and capable and more and more of us are at the point where we've had enough of the airbrushed crap that is served up to us.

We need to remember that we are who we are, we don't need to live up to some ugly old man's version of beauty, or some insecure media personality's idea of acceptable looks. We should be happy with who we are. I want my girls to be true to themselves. If that means tattoos and a shaved head, then so be it. If they prefer a suit to jeans then fine. If they want to create a kick-arse female superhero who's bits are (heaven forbid) covered by fabric, then more power to them.

Girls are no longer restricted to the home boys. We are out there; in the work place, on the sporting field, in space, in the labs, kicking your arse at on-line video games. Wherever you are we can be. Sci-fi and fantasy has often been groundbreaking in shattering the stereotypes, now is not the time for it to go back on that. Let's keep going forward.

My Life Is Richer For My Friends

I turned 40 a few months ago and because I was so busy I was unable to have my party till the weekend just gone. It was awesome.
It wasn't a big affair. It wasn't a fancy affair. It was a backyard barbecue with friends. I know people throw parties and invite dozens of people. They ask them to BYO all sorts apparently (though some don't). They get stressed about catering for everyone and probably can't get around to talking properly to everyone they invited.
Me I over cater. I always over eater. That's fine though because it means I have enough food to last for the rest of the week. My kids think it's great coz there is so much cool drink and junk food left in the house they will be on a sugar high for two weeks. I like to provide for those I invite, it makes me happy.
The best thing, the very best thing about my party was the chance to catch up with some of the most awesome friends ever. True friends are those you may not get to see very often but there will always be a connection. They are the people who will be there when you really need them. They will even dress up in silly 80's costumes just because I asked them too.

My friends are the best.
I am blessed to have such awesome people in my life.
These are people who stand by you when it goes to shit. They are people who will go out of their way to make sure you are okay if something terrible happens (like your mum gets sick). They are the people who stand by you when you need to vent. Or you loose a job, or you are just having an unsettled time being a parent.
True friends are the ones who accept you for your good points, your bad ones and your quirky tendencies. They will do things they may not be real comfortable doing because you ask them too. True friends make you laugh, understand when you need to cry and are there when you need to throw something.
Friends also do something else. They make you better. I suppose they can make you worse if you pick bad ones, but mine don't fit into that category. My friends push me to keep going. They inspire me, they encourage me. They give me a kick when I need it. My interactions with them have impacted on my life and I really think they help me to be better.

I am truly blessed with my friends and I wouldn't change what I had for all the big arse, expensive, fancy parties, with loaded gift tables, for anything, because I know without a question what I have is of far more worth than anything you can buy anywhere for any price.
One of them said the most amazing thing to me, she said even though she hadn't felt like coming she had to because it was me and she would always do that for me. (I know she spent ages in costume places because of me, even though she'd have rather done just about anything else except go back to her old job, and that is pretty damn special.)
To my friends and you know who you are, my life is so much richer just because you guys are in it. Thank you.

Changes

Life is full of change. The thing is to embrace it.
Not always the easiest thing to do.
We have just shifted. A change and a pain in the butt. The nice thing is though the house we have moved to is an awesome fit for us, for all the baggage and stuff we bring with us. A more ordinary house would not suit us because; well a muso and a writer have certain needs. I am looking forward to the day the boxes are all gone.
The other thing is I've taken the plunge and had some art added to my skin. I get that some people really disagree with tattoos and that's fine. For me the choice was not lightly made. It's something I've thought about for a long time. I know that for many it's just a hip thing to do. For me that had nothing to do with it. I'm about as unhip as you get. I wouldn't know fashion if I fell over it.
For me the choice was very personal and the design I chose was equally personal. The first place I approached tried to suggest I get something that suited them better. 'Hello sunshine this is something that is going to be on my body for ever why would I want to have something I didn't ask for?'
In the end I took my two inspiration pieces to a guy and he designed me the most amazing piece. I put a lot of research into my piece. I know what it means in a general way and I know what it means to me. My piece was inspired by the central character in my fantasy novel. She has many tattoos and they all have very specific meanings.
My tattoo is a promise to myself to continue to work on my novel and one day get it published.

This is so beautiful.

Work is keeping me busy, writing is keeping me busy, when I get the chance to do so. 

I have so many things I still want to do. I want to teach my kids to embrace the excitement of life, of change. You don't need to do what others expect of you. Let's face it I've never been particularly good at making others happy. There are times in your life that you simply need to make a choice about what is the right next step for your life.  I want them to know that to live is to sometimes push yourself outside of your comfort zone. This latter after all is why I'm in training for Tough Mudder. Never in a million years would I have thought this would be something I would do but it is the right thing for me at this time.

Then again I never expected to have the career I've got. Yet it is a job I really like. Being willing to embrace change, to look outside the square is what got me to this stage of my life and it's a place I feel very happy in.

Don't run away from change. Change can bring the most amazing things into your life. Change can bring real beauty. Change stops life becoming stagnant. To really live is to embrace change.

Well That Just Sucks

We should've got our house. Not going to happen it seems. The no is for the sake of two months, or $30 a week, or the inflated tax rate to cover my old uni fees, or the simple fact that I know how to survive without a credit card (which means you end up with no real credit rating).
So all those things I finally got around to unpacking again need to be packed. Totally not my favourite past time.
When I found out I cried. I shouted. I swore. And I ranted at God how is this fair, how is it fair that some people land on their feet all the damn time, they seem to get many of the breaks and people will look at them and go 'well lets see what we can do to sort that for you.' When they look at me it so often seems they try to find all the possible faults, all ways in which we don't fit.
Thing is though, this kind of thing has happened so many damn times in my life that really at this stage it is just kind of boring now.

So for 20 minutes I pitched a fit. Then I accepted the fact my plans had been tossed in the air again only to fall in some random manner at my feet.
I walked out of my shower, got dressed and went and spoke to my family. Within that very short space of time I had gone through a total 180 degree change of attitude.
Why?
Well that's easy really. Because I decided too. I have a family who love me. A job that puts a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in our mouths (as an added bonus it's a job I like). I have enough time to spend with friends and family and to indulge my love of writing (or rather my need to create). Where I actually live makes no real difference to any of that. Sure shifting is a pain in the butt you'll find no argument from me on that count.
So much of life though is how you look at things. I chose to look at the good and accept what I can't really change. The other thing is I don't know what the future holds. My plans could have had fundamental flaws that I couldn't see. It's even possible something that never entered into my calculations was around the corner.
Something awesome could be coming and who am I to focus just on the crap and not the possibilities.

Choices are what make the difference in life. I have been knocked over so many times that after I get over my initial frustration or disappointment I think to myself 'is that all you've got world?' You say I can't have it, I say 'you watch me get better'. I choose to look at what I've got, I choose to say I am not going to give up.
I choose to open my eyes to possibilities. Which means when I pick up a book that I'd put aside a while ago, I can see clearly a new idea that jumps in front of me. Two days ago I was frustrated. Today I am excited for the future. Today a new dimension popped into my mind for a new story idea that has been simmering and a new thought for our financial future also bloomed in a corner of my mind.
Sometimes the suckiest things turn out to be the very thing that sharpens the focus.

A Culture of Blame

My job puts me in many a strange situation. It was never a job I thought I would have. It's not really the sort of job you think about at any time when someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

The thing I want to talk about today is devolution.

I have never in my life seen anyone devolve so totally as I did this week. I saw a grown woman go from being a 30 something to a little child in the space of several minutes.
It was freaky. Seeing someone who has functioned like an adult in every situation you've seen them in, suddenly sit there, rocking, shaking, refusing to open her eyes and crying for her mummy.
In amongst the info dump that happened in those 20 odd minutes where I tried to talk her down, or back to reality, I noticed something. A decided lack of responsibility.
Everyone else was responsible for the position this woman found herself in.

It is so sad that a great number of us have crappy moments in our lives and we just get on with it, but there is an increasing number, it seems, who think everything bad that happens to them is because of what someone else does or did. It's the police's fault that someone goes to jail - it's got nothing to do with the drugs they were on and the actions they took. It's the old person's fault they nearly died because they wouldn't hand over their money and jewellery. And the list goes on.
Me, things don't go as planned well I come up with another plan. I may rant and rave, even throw the occasional pillow but I certainly don't go and commit a crime and blame someone else. Believe me I have had quiet a few downs in my life, more bumps in the road than I would have liked. It can be hard when you know people who always seem to land on their feet. You know the ones - those who squander the amazing opportunities you would give, well not quite anything for, but then they get another and another. You want to slap them upside the head, jump up and down and demand they introduce you to the person who made them the offer because you would like nothing more than to say 'pick me'. It is not to be though, and so we pick ourselves up and go on.
I don't really know where this culture of blame has come from and to be honest I don't know if it's really getting worse or if I just notice it more the older I get.
It is so sad. It makes me want to just take some of these people and shake some sense into them. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure that won't work. No amount of shaking will make a difference till these people want to step up and start acting like adults and taking responsibility. Sure crap happens and it's not always in our control what happens to us but how we respond, that is within our control.

So What's Going on in this World?

What's with what's going on in London?
I read or see something like that and I can't help but wonder.
I am truly appalled, and disgusted.
How could anyone do something like that?
Why did it take a 48 year old mother to have the guts to stand up and approach them?
How is it that so many people just stood there and watched?
It makes me wonder what I would have done.
I know someone who put forward a couple of interesting ideas, mostly as to why the people with cars just stopped or stayed around watching. Why did no-one think to get in a car and drive straight at them?
The question that comes after that one then is what would happen to you if you did that?
The perpetrators where shot to injure and then taken to hospital, would that same courtesy be granted to those who stood to stop such atrocities or would they have been shot and thrown in jail being charged with murder same as these terrible men?
It bears thinking about. We live in a precarious age. In a time where tolerance has perhaps opened the door to these actions.
I pray for London tonight. I pray for my friends and family in the UK. I pray this does not escalate.

Tough Mudder

So I am doing this.

Yes I know insane right. 20km mud run with 28 or so insane obstacles along the way.
Thing is exercise has become a largish chunk of my life. I work out several times a week (mostly). Running and I still have a love hate thing going on. I feel good after I do it but I can't get really good times or anything and I think it boils down to the fact I just don't have a runners build. I love the other stuff though, the weights, the cross fit kind of stuff and the boxing. I am fitter than I probably have ever been (except perhaps when I was doing gymnastics).
The benefits of exercise are two fold for me, sure I'm fitter and weigh less than I have in ages but the bigger benefit is the mental one. Maybe saying bigger isn't quite right. See when you look better you feel better, so the weight loss and body toning does have it's own two fold benefit, health wise you are better off and it can affect you mentally as well.
The mental one though is for me, exercise is stress relief. It produces those endorphins that give you that happy feeling. I'm pretty sure it somehow balances any bad chemical things out with good ones. I really don't claim to know how it works but the truth is when I work out I am less stressed and the rest of life then has less chance to get on top of me.

WooHoo!

Okay so it's only 12 days, well 10 now but I have some time off and it feels great. I go to bed at a time that feels more natural to me and get up at a time that feels more natural to me. I've done workouts, gone out with my kids, given my hubby time to work and low and behold got some editing done. It feels good.
What doesn't feel so good is my lower body, the workout session we had was tough and for some reason I always push myself hard at those, two days later and it still hurts to get up and sit down. So tomorrow is going to require another workout.
It is so good to take this time with my family. Sure it's been a slog to get here, 3 months study 5 days a week, and the first 4 months on the job have had union upheaval. Thing is though, I am having 12 days off, I've already had a block of 9 days, so added together I've had 3 weeks off and haven't touched my annual leave yet. How freaking awesome.
My munchkins love me being home, of course their love does at times make it a little hard to get the writing work done that I want to but I'm working on that.
Of course if I'm totally truthful my daughter started playing a damn addictive game on my computer and it has taken up small chunks of my time that would be better served elsewhere. Also I bought Les Mis today so that has to get watched sometime soon.
I love my family and the thing is we all need to find a way to make life and work, work for us. For me it is 12 hour shift work in a high pressure environment, for others it will be something else. 'Work life balance' is a phrase thrown around a lot but it's not always what they say it is. It can be what you make it to be. Life doesn't always fit in the boxes you want it to, it can be messy, chaotic and difficult to juggle, but making it work - well that is something only you can really do. Don't let someone else tell you what it is. Think it through, make up your mind and do what you need to. Family is precious and we can't all pack up for 6 weeks a year and go holidaying in the best places money can buy. Find your place and it will be great.

A Good Rant

I'm sorry I can't help myself, okay actually that's not strictly true I can help myself but it has been a while since I've had a really good rant and this week has provided me with a great topic.
In my country, a bunch of juvenile offenders trashed their 'detention facility', they did massive amounts of damage and it will be months before bits of it are inhabitable again. So as a result a bunch of these offenders have been transferred to a nearby adult custodial facility (yes a prison).
Personally I have no issue with this. Sure I realise the situation is a bit different but custodial is custodial, it's just juvies are treated with soft gloves.
Here's where my rant kicks into gear.
Parents of these kids are trying to sue the government for inhumane treatment of their kids.
HMMMM!
Well excuse me, why were these kids there in the first place? Oh that's right; drugs, rape, burglary, aggravated assault... the list goes on. These kids weren't where they were because they are stellar examples of society, they are there because they are little shits. A point which is only proven by the fact that they rioted, destroying sections of the centre they were housed in.
These kids are currently not being kept in general population, they are separated from big boys, though I feel it should be pointed out that some of these 'kids' aren't exactly kids, there are some still there in their 20's. A fact that begs the question why the hell weren't they transferred to adult prison when they hit 18?
That aside, the complaints seem to be that: the kids aren't getting fed properly, I'm pretty sure they would get fed the same as anyone else in the facility and no-one else is complaining; they are in mainstream adult prison - they aren't, they are in totally separate units; they aren't getting enough exercise - well I can't say how much they are or aren't getting but prisons are governed but fairly strict legislation that ensures minimum requirements for that sort of thing but it may not be what they were getting because there are plenty of other prisoners that need to be catered for.
These kids have food, clothes, medical and dental treatments, tv's, time to get outside, access to games consoles. I would like to take a moment to point out that there are plenty of people out there who don't have all of that.
In short here is my suggestion. If these families want to sue on behalf of their misbehaving offspring then fine, we should let them go ahead, on the condition that they pay for the damage to the detention centre and for the medical bills of the staff who were involved in the incident. Surely that is fair after all.
All of this begs another question; where were these parents when these kids were participating in behaviours that saw them arrested in the first place? And what about their victims in all this? Are these parents paying restitution to the victims or do they just expect the taxpayer to pick up the tab on all fronts?
Oh I know that not everyone who commits a crime comes from the same type of background but there are generalisations about this sort of thing for a reason.

Things

Firstly the good news. The stress about the house is not a thing anymore. Our offer was accepted. Dare to Dream indeed. God is good.

Secondly to the thing I really want to post about.

Judgment.

I have discovered a few things about myself since I started my new job. I have a rather strange capacity to deal with those many would consider to be the dregs of society without judging them.
Sure I know some of them have done really terrible things and I simply cannot understand how someone can do some of the things I know these people have done. Still I find I can just treat these people as people.
So many people have said to me that they could not do my job. I on the other hand quiet enjoy it. It's a very strange feeling having someone like that cry on your shoulder and thank you for not treating her like shit and making her time in the facility better.
Someone asked me the other day if I knew what so and so had done. I said no, I hadn't gone looking. They promptly told me I needed to make sure I knew who I was dealing with. My response was I never forget where I work and the type of people I work with. I find myself strangely uninterested in finding out the gory details though.
They say when you start my job that you shouldn't go in thinking you would ever make a difference, you might in one person's life in your entire career if you are fortunate. I didn't go in thinking I would make a difference, but in a very short period of time I have discovered that it makes a huge difference if you don't go in thinking you are better than them, if you don't look down your nose judging them all the time.
Not for a minute do I think they really like me, or that in given situations they wouldn't turn on me. What I do have a better understanding of is the value of judgement.

          Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge 
          others, you will be judged, and with the same measure you use, it will 
          be measured to you. 
          - Matthew 7:1-2

We are exhorted to not judge others yet we do in so many ways. We often stand on our own little pedestal and look down at those around us for many reasons. We only see small snippets and judge on that moment. Just because I do so well at work doesn't mean I don't struggle with this in other areas of my life. I think work is different simply because in some way I am able to detach myself from the circumstances. In life I don't have that detachment.

In life I see an overweight person in lycra stuffing their faces with junk food and my thoughts aren't at all positive. I see someone swearing at their children and calling them stupid, and instead of not judging I just want to smack them one. I see someone unable to put clothes on their children's backs and yet still have enough money to buy smokes and booze and I want to knock some sense into them. I see a girl put up with an abusive relationship and I want to shake her till she sees the truth.

In so many little things I judge. This does not make me unique. 

I don't have a total handle on this not judging thing yet and honestly I probably never will. What I do have is a greater understanding of what it means to someone who has done crappy things, and yes even terrible things, not to be judged. It gives them a chance to look at what they have done, take responsibility for it and make steps to change things.

Next time you feel the urge to look down your nose at someone, take a moment to think about what your judgment could mean. 

Learning Curves

I thought it had been 2 weeks since I last wrote, turns out it is 3.
My life is in such a learning curve at the moment. Sure there is the new job, most people in the job reckon it'll be 2 years till you start to feel like you have a handle on things. I'm clarifying things about myself though and that is a good thing, or at least I think it is. Some people may not feel that way, I get that. Learning about yourself can be scary because we tend to live with bits of ourselves hidden in the shadows, most of us don't like to admit we have darker corners of our lives.
I work in an environment where people are who spend most of their time with the darker corners of their lives. It sometimes get you thinking.
People say their kids are their lives, but how can they be when they blow things by thinking one dose of party drugs won't hurt, or that person has a really nice tv I want that. I see people who live for themselves until they are caught by that then they suddenly remember there are other things to live for.
Me I would do anything for my kids and I don't have to worry that there is anything false in me saying that. I took a difficult job so I could ultimately spend more time with them and provide better for them. I would go to the wall for my kids and I know it without a doubt. How sad then to think about those who clearly have moments when they think that and others when they don't, who then get surprised when no-one believes them. I am grateful my kids will never have reason to question how important they are to me. (And yes I am fully aware there will come a time they will hate me.)
That is a positive that is reaffirmed in my life all the time.
There is however, a part of me that is a real cynic. A part of me that goes, 'you're kidding right!' I knew this part of me existed, it is the very reason I think I would make a terrible counsellor. I hear 'but I'm having relationship problems and think 'how does that make you special?' I hear how cruel the system is and I think 'how stupid are you to keep doing the thing that got you into trouble in the first place?' I hear 'I can't afford #####, you'll have to do it for me' and think 'why? if it happened to me and I can't afford it no-one will get it for me.'
This is the darker side of me. The side that probably wars with that 'good christian' who must be there some where. I embrace this about myself though. It makes me who I am but also puts a different spin on things to the one most christians would have.
We often make the mistake of believe God to be this great goody two shoes in the sky. C'mon admit it, you know that stereotype is there. This is the one that says 'everyone should get another chance', that 'everyone is good'. There comes a time though when the chances are up. Not everyone is always going to get another chance. There isn't an unlimited amount of time for things to happen in. You can't keep making crap choices and expect God to wipe the slate clean at the last minute. Why should he make everything easy for you once you finally admit to screwing up? Why should life be easy for you once you admit to being a screw-up?
We are responsible for our own actions, and it frustrates me immensely when people constantly blame others for their lot in life. No not everyone is as gifted academically but that doesn't mean they can't learn something. I'm not gifted as a teacher - several of my extended family members are, that doesn't mean I can't teach my girls how to make good lifestyle choices. I can't play music (very well) so I don't try. Others I know can't act so they don't get up on a stage. I was not born into a family with much money. In fact I have lived off welfare at various times in my life and I didn't feel that society owed me anything. It is always possible to improve yourself in someway. Life is about choices. It is about knowing yourself and sometimes the most important things we can learn are about our darker sides. If we know where our weaknesses are we can make choices to go a different way.
Me, I need to make sure my cynicism doesn't drown out my ability to empathise and care. I need to constantly feed that positive and brighter side of my life to balance out the dark.
We are comprised of shades and choices. Choose wisely and don't be afraid to look into the hidden corners, you may find knowing yourself better shows you strengths you never knew you had.
My cynicism makes it possible for me to deal more impartially with people than those who want to constantly believe in the good of people, or those who want to judge.

Family

Today it seems prudent to remember my family.
My family are everything to me. My children and husband are the main reason I took this new job. I wanted extra time with them, I wanted to be able to look after them better. Yeah I know there are people out there who would say providing is not the woman's job but when your man works from home and is the stay at home dad, then I say shove your preconceived ideas...well you know what I mean.
I feel for those who have had loved ones taken in this most recent of shooting sprees. I can't help but think of all the possibility that has been wiped out.
It is a good day to take your loved ones in your arms and hold them tight. Mine are very sick today so I have cleaned up buckets of vomit and had to really control my own gag reflex in the process but that is part of having children and I will clean up as much vomit as I have to if it means my children are still here for me to hold.
Cherish your family.
Remember your loved ones, the ones who have gone before us and honour their memories. Hug them, hold them and tell them you love them every chance you get.
Family are worth it.
I am so thankful that I could hold my girls in between vomit sessions today.

Friendship

Friends are really important. I don't have that many of them and that doesn't bother me because the ones I have are great.
I'm thinking on this at the moment because I wrote a poem for a friend this week. It is the first poem I have written in a very long time. This friend is only someone new in my life, she was going to be someone I was going to work with and I was really looking forward to it. This new career path is one where you form close friendships, you have to because it's not the sort of job you can share much of with others. Anyway the point is she has just been diagnosed with that terrible bitch of an illness cancer in this case stomach cancer. I know this one is one of the more nasty ones but still I had hoped they caught it early enough. She had surgery last week and goes in for chemo this week. the diagnosis obviously was worse than we hoped. Now though in respect to her wishes we are trying to give her the space she needs but I couldn't help myself. I sat in class unable to focus on anything much, so I did what comes naturally to me. I picked up my pen and I wrote.
Emotions effect us all differently and I know I am a very emotional person. It seems so unfair that this friend could be taken from me so soon and I feel so much for her family, partner and friends. It makes sense to me though that they have requested not to be contacted, I get how frustrating it can be dealing with the 'how are you today?' questions. I hope and pray I get more time with her she is a woman of value, she helped many of us in the course while she was with us and we miss her very much. Friendship is a funny thing. Some people seem to have many friends and I have at times in my life bemoaned my lack of socialising, however I am incredibly grateful for the friends I have. there are times we need to remember it's all about the quality not the quantity and the friends I have are quality ones.
For all the fear of this disease and possible loss of a friendship that never really had the chance to develop I wouldn't change the fact that I have gotten to know her a little, I can only hope and pray I get to know her for a bit longer.
Value those people in your life who know you for who you are and love you anyway, friends chose to be in your life and they are worth their weight in gold, or something else of more value than gold.

AHHHHH!!!!

I'm back studying. The first three months of my new job are the course part of the traineeship and so I find myself back in a classroom.
Can't say I ever really thought that would happen.
Some of it is hard to get through but that's just because by nature the topic is pretty dry, still it's stuff we have to know.
We have also had two written assessments and I have to say it seems that the skills I've cultivated with my writing and blogging have meant studying skills haven't left me entirely. I still have a pretty good study ethic and ability.
Right now though I have to admit there is a part of me that is wishing I hadn't committed to a play just before this all started. I did it because really I was pissed with missing out on the play I wanted to do because of the date of my brothers wedding and I think this will be the last one I do for quite a while as my new job involves shift work. It's not a big part, in fact it is three really small parts and at the moment I'm not needed every night of rehearsals but still the drive is time consuming and a little frustrating when you have to go so far for so few lines.
I'm liking it though. The challenge, the opportunity to push myself. I have to admit to being a little scared though, just a bit. This job is outside anything I've ever done or considered doing and so there is a part of me that is worried about totally stuffing it up.
Apart from all that though, God is still showing me his presence even though according to some I can't be a christian because of some of the things I believe. And while I am not about to go into details there is a part of me that finds it really interesting that I am in a place I never thought I would be and yet without those previously mentioned beliefs I wouldn't be able to help like I can. And no I am not going to tell you anything more than that. The only real point of bringing that up was to let you know that even when you struggle God can meet you where you least expect it. It's those little touches that allow me hope and we all need hope.

WWJD

What Would Jesus Do?
This became a catchphrase not all that long ago even though the book by the same name is quite a bit older.
Any way I was thinking about this in amongst all my recent contemplations and whilst I had a rather longer post idea in mind I think I want to start here.
My thoughts have come to the conclusion that it is possible we who call ourselves christians can do with a slight paradigm shift, we have fallen into a safety zone with this question. It puts us on some moral high ground and we judge our choices from a superior perspective, not that we have justification to do so.
I think perhaps we would be well served taking from an old oath - First Do No Harm.
Sure this is just my thoughts but I feel this is a pretty valid starting point. We see things from a judgmental point of view, even though we may not see it that way (just ask a non christian what they think of christians). The stereotype is sad but equally sad is the fact stereotypes don't come from nowhere. If we take the judgement out of the equation, take the moral high ground out of the equation we are left with a better foundation on which to build our lives.
First do no harm.
Now I am not claiming to ever have lived by this, let alone well, but it is a new thought in my mind and one I want to adjust to and see where it leads me.
First Do No Harm.