Reflections

It seems that more and more people are publicly reflecting on their year, that's what being on line does I suppose. So many are saying what a terrible year they had in 2013 and how they hope 2014 will be great.

How about we don't just hope. How about we make necessary changes and make 2014 better. Let's not rely on external factors to dictate our year.
Like most people I had a mixed year. Sad moments when goodbyes were said; great moments like completing Tough Mudder; frustrating ones like when the house loan fell through; peaceful moments; joyous ones; annoying ones; amusing ones and yes even enlightening ones. I choose though not to focus on the negative.
See it is so easy to do just that.
We find no difficulty in looking back over an arbitrary time like 12 months and seeing only the dross. We see the bigger things but ignore the smaller ones. Look closer at those though for I'm pretty sure it is those smaller things that got you through. It is the things that you can easily take for granted; friends, family, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and food in your mouth, that we often ignore.

My family get me through every day of a job that I strangely like but many wouldn't want to have to do. I come home to them and the crap of the day doesn't matter. My family stand by my side and accept all my silliness, all my strangeness, all the unusual tendencies that go along with being a creative person. My friends encourage me, they support me, they push me and accept me. Without friends I would never have done something as ridiculous as the 20 obstacle race known as Tough Mudder, I wouldn't already be signed up for 2014 or for a different one as well.
I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, so I am fortunate to enjoy my job, mostly but it doesn't make me rich. What it does do though is feed and clothe my family, it also means I can buy them certain luxuries, things like movies, games, holidays. I still don't have my own house yet and sure that sometimes bugs me but there is no point stressing over that when there is so much else that is good in my life.
I would say to you as you reflect on the past with your eyes turned to the future, don't forget to see the little things. Did your kids come home safe from school having learnt something? That is a good thing. Did little Miss 6 start acting a certain way that no matter how much you know you shouldn't laugh you can't help yourself? That's a good thing. Did master 5 loose a tooth and get all excited that the Tooth Fairy swapped it out for money? That is a good thing. Did things not go according to plan? Open your eyes a little and allow for some time, then look at it again and maybe you will find that really it was a good thing.
And no not everything is good, some things really are crap, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to be crap. The year my mother died, I gained a daughter and a nephew. I've lost jobs before and been kicked out of houses, neither of which were pleasant experiences but they didn't make the rest of my life crap. I've lost friends and had my heart broken, I've been so confused and depressed that I cut myself. I've been rejected, teased, bullied and these things all hurt but I still had people around who loved me, I still had hope and potential.

Am I where I wish I was? No not really. Am I okay with that? Definitely. I am still on my life journey, there is still a long way to go. I have goals sure but no resolutions. I will make choices on a daily basis and that will dictate how my year goes regardless of what crap life may choose to throw at me. They say don't sweat the small stuff (and it's all small stuff) but maybe we should sometimes remember to look at that small stuff and realise just how fortunate we might be.

Right now though as the clock ticks over to the new year I am sitting at my computer, with a glass of wine, some chocolate, doing one of the things I love - writing. That for me is not a bad thing.
Here is to an awesome year to come filled to the brim with things that make you happy, choose to be happy.

Evaluation

So this year is drawing to an end, it's not really the time we focus on what we have achieved but rather on what gifts we are giving and to whom. Me I feel like a quick evaluation is worth it at this point.
So what have I achieved: I finished my probation period at work and I'm still gainfully employed; I completed Tough Mudder; I vollied at a con and got asked to do others; I got asked to play a bigger role for one of the sites I review for; I am still writing.

Now is not the time to get complacent about any of this, and it would be so easy to do just that. I'm on holiday, Christmas is drawing near and most people are winding down. So lets evaluate and start looking forward to next year.

Me work goes on as normal, mine is not a job particularly altered by Christmas, we still need to work, we don't close down, not even for one day. I will be working Christmas Eve and Christmas night, it is going to be a first for me, for our family but we will manage. The thing is little things like this aren't big in the grand picture of things, it is something that is so very easily worked around. So my next little goal  is to give my kids an awesome Christmas that may be a little different from those of previous years.

I'm currently doing this ridiculous thing called 30 Burpees a Day for 30 Days. And yes it is as ridiculous as it sounds, and yes burpees are horrible things… but it is a goal and it is a good time to have a goal like this because it stops me falling into pre-festive season laziness. For those who may be interested I have signed up to do a Spartan Sprint this year as well as Tough Mudder again, the difference is that the Sprint is shorter and all about your time. So my fitness goals are continuing to have a strong hold on me, though there are days I really just want to not do anything.

I am already looking at the cons I want to do next year and how to work them into my schedule. So this is a goal for next year but the key with a goal like this one is it doesn't have to be a self-centred goal. I figure if I go interstate for something like this why shouldn't I take the family and make it a family holiday at the same time?

Goals simply do not have to be serious - you know work or fitness related. A goal can be anything really that you want to do or achieve. A goal can be fulfilling something silly on your bucket list, if you have. In this case I want to do something nice with my family and combining these two things is a perfect fit. Now if only I can pull it off both financially and with time away from work.

The other thing about goals or dreams is sometimes you have to know when to let go. I have done no acting in the last 12 months and yes I miss it, and yes I'm feeling the urge to get back up on the stage again. The thing is when you evaluate you need to make sure you are not spreading yourself to thin and thereby making yourself useless to those around you.
For me that means something may need to go and well the desire to make it as a writer is stronger than my desire to get back on stage. It is hard enough to get a writing project finished while I'm working full time, if I have decided I'm serious about my writing I'm going to have to put more time into it.

Time is one of those things some of us never seem to have enough of, which really just means we need to manage our time better. After a 12 hr shift though I admit it is really hard to get motivated to doing anything, which is why I'm trying to uses this time of leave to get myself into some good habits, like working out nearly everyday. If I can get my body expecting to workout for a bit whenever I sit my butt down to watch tv, then hopefully it will be easier to do just that.

The same applies with my writing, I need to get myself back to that place where I set myself a goal for every day. There are times when that goal is simply a few words and there are times that it needs to be more than that. I haven't done NaNo this year because I simply didn't think I'd be able to fit it in with everything else I've had vying for my leave time, also because I wanted to work on WIP's not something new.

I will get there because of this mind set:

So I know I need to break my writing into smaller goals, like I have done with my fitness. So my first stage is to complete the first draft of book one, then the first draft of book two, then you know how it goes - editing stages. I also have about 3 other WIP's so each of those can be broken into small goals as well. Hopefully by this time next year I will have some completed manuscripts (at least first drafts if nothing else).

So to sum up my evaluation: I have achieved some awesome things in these last 12 months, some I never ever would have thought I would; and I am in a good place as this year winds down and we head into the new one, I have wonderful things to achieve in my life and I believe I will get there.

I just need to work on them. That's the thing with goals, we need to work on them and not be afraid to sweat for them.

I Came and Kicked Its Ass

I did it.

The thing that has been my goal for the last 12+ months I have now done. It was awesome. More than that I conquered one of the obstacles I really thought there was no way I would.

Not all that long ago there was no way I would have thought it possible. In fact there was a time when a couple of us who competed would have laughed at the suggestion and assumed the person speaking had hit the theatre bar a little early. 'You think I'm going to what over 20kms?!' Goals are funny things though. Some people are good with them, some not so good. Me, I am grateful for my headstrong personality which means once I've set my mind to do something there better be a really good reason for me not to get it done. That is not just with things such as fitness goals, though that is a huge thing for people at the moment. I'm all for setting fitness goals, I still have them, I need to continue on the path I've set myself on, there is simply no way I am going to let that go now, I've got next year to prepare for and it looks as though I will compete in more than one event. The feeling the kind of success that is reaching your goals brings, is AWESOME! I am determined to push harder.

It is the same determination that should be applied to all aspects of life though. If I only applied it to one area then my life is likely to get all out of whack. My family don't want someone who is obsessed with just one thing to to detriment of everything else. That kind of thinking makes for a very one dimensional and yes very boring person. All of us can probably be a little that way, if you don't want to be stuck talking about the one topic for hours then never bring up books with me.

Fortunately I have other goals that drive me, and I have set those before me as I did my fitness goal. I finished my first novel, now my next goal there is to make it into two on the advice of someone who knows better than me. I am part way there and I plan on using my time off to get further there. Goals can be a great thing. Don't let them become a narrow focus for you though because we all need to be more than one dimensional beings, we all need something else in our lives just in case it turns to crap, as it sometimes does.

There is just one other thing I want to say about goals. Sometimes it can be a great help to have someone along side you. Someone with the same goal, or a similar one. Someone to encourage you and pick you up. Someone who will just boot your ass if needed.

Those of you have been there for me in my Tough Mudder journey you know who you are and I thank you. Those of you who are there for my writing pursuits I thank you too. Without friends and support it can be hard to reach the end. Without someone to boot your butt occasionally it can be easy to slip into the slumber of apathy that says, 'well I tried it once, it doesn't matter if I try again'.

Slow But Steady

Life is marching on. My body is making it a little hard to train at the moment, I have a hideous cough that had pretty much laid me out for the last week. Part of me really misses the training, I've tried a couple of sessions (weights) but no running, it hasn't been easy or had the desired effect. I live in hope that this cough has to go away soon.
My writing is also going along slow and steady. I've even had a break through there, which is always a good thing.
There are things that have bothered me this week but that is to be expected. One, I'm reading about private contractors and the War on Terror. One of the things that disturbs me most is the things some of these people are doing in the name of christianity. The more I read the more I wonder about being a christian. I believe in God but sometimes it's really difficult to want to stand up and be identified with others who claim to be christians. These contractors, politicians and agents aren't the only ones who cause this feeling.
I am getting a little fed up with requests to sign petitions against gay marriage. There I've said it. I quite frankly don't care who you love. I cannot see how allowing same sex marriage will destroy the institution of marriage, seriously when was the last time some of these people looked at the divorce rate. Also not sure how it will destroy family either. I live in an area with high de facto, high divorce, high teenage pregnancy and high 'children from different parents' rates. I'd say family is pretty messed up already.
Okay that's all I am going to say on the matter. I'm not going to rant. I'm not going to get worked up. I am just going to slowly and steadily go on about my way, while trying to figure out how to keep my faith out of the way of religion.

Life Marches On

Well this week was trying. That is the nicest way to put it. My frustration with work seems to be on an ever increasing curve. Any one who has ever working in retail knows that some customers are just a pain in the butt. I know this, I've dealt with my fair share of them. One particularly painful one this week caused me more than a little grief, and has solidified my desire to find a new job.
Truthfully I feel as though my brain basically turns to mush when I go to work. The only time I really think is when I'm writing during my moments at the register. Shelving and asking 'Is there anything I can help you with today?', requires exactly no thought power what so ever. I could probably do it in my sleep.
So this week I updated my CV, not just made sure that all the details were up to date but gave it a complete overhaul. So now I am in possession of a great and professional looking CV.

There's just one thing sitting in the back of my mind, and in more honest moments like now more at the front. I am close to 40. I have lived and worked in two countries, I have a degree and an associate diploma and I've run my own small business but... It's the but that keeps creeping up on me. Who is going to give a woman of my age a chance at a new career? Do I think I can do these jobs I'm applying for? Sure? Will there be things I need to learn? Sure but every new job is like that. I'm not a stupid person but I am passionate and have my dreams, and I'm not ready to let them go, it's just I'm ready to find a different way to live while still working on them. I want to learn more things. I want to do more things. I want a change and a challenge. I thrive on a challenge. I love to be pushed. But... who is going to look beyond a CV filled mostly with retail and hospitality experience to the potential I believe I have? 

Sometimes I want to jump up and down and say 'experience in life counts', and 'I've been working since I was 10' (my first job was stacking shelves), 'my work ethic is solid just give me a chance'.

Here I am; sitting at my desk on a Saturday night, blogging and applying for jobs, in between doing dishes, being a mother and wanting to write all night instead of thinking I'd better go to bed earlier than that because my munchkins will want my attention on the morrow. 

Life, it surely does march on. Here's to challenge, focus, passion and a drive to do something more.

Being Alone

It's funny in a way I suppose, how much I enjoy being left alone. I find myself often unwilling to go out and socialise on the weekend because that is my time to be at home. That is my time for me and it often feels as though socialising takes that away from me.
I suppose that is a very selfish attitude.
The flip side of that is look at two of my very favourite past times. I love to read and I love to write. neither of these things require interaction with other people.
I love the solitude.
We went to a party today and ended up being there with two families the had five kids and they were saying that somehow five seemed to be a cut off point for many people they know. All I could think of was when would I get anything done with five kids. I love my girls and try to spend time with them, separately and together but boy there are times I wish they would just leave me alone. There is no way I could handle any more kids.
Then tomorrow we have three invitations, one we have rescheduled and one is just for me but still it means I won't be sitting curled up on my couch reading, or with a pen in my hand.
There are times I really wish the world could just go on without me. I would like to close the door and just be alone. To that end it doesn't bother me so much that hubby gigs I don't mind the time to be the only one awake and able to do what ever I feel like, be that reading, watching crappy tv or writing.
Tonight I have done both and it has been wonderful. Tomorrow we will go to a friends place just to catch up and I will go and say goodbye to another friend of mine who is leaving the country.
Maybe, just maybe in amongst that I will find time to clean my desk, which actually really needs it at the moment, and do the washing, which is a necessity but well falls under the column of housework, which we all know I pretty well suck at.
It might be possible for me to get something read tomorrow. If I'm very, very sneaky.

My Big Busy Life

Big, bad, busy life.

Well not really bad. It's just very busy for me at the moment and sure it would have been much nicer if the agent my manuscript was with hadn't sent me a no but such is it. Anyway I'm doing pretty good. I don't think I wanted to work with that particular agent. Couldn't really tell you why just a feeling I've got.

Besides I've got so much going on at the mo what with work, the play, the calendar and the short film. Also there is something very possibly exciting that I can't talk about. Rest assured as soon as I can, if it ever gets to that point, then I will. Part of me is terrified of this thing I'm working on and part of me thrilled, excited and obsessed - just a little. Like I really have time to be obsessed.

Work is hard at the moment though. I'm struggling with the conservatism. The music is sleep inducing, the pace at which they tend to work is slow and I still think some of the things they do just don't make sense. My old job may have bugged me on occasion but the people I worked with made it worth it. I don't feel quite that way about this job. I don't know how long I will last at this, there are some good things - the free books for instance, but so often the ones I want don't get Advance Reading Copies handed out. Still sometimes it's the little things that make it worth it.

Holiday Week

Sure I tell myself it's a holiday but I can't really say I've had any time off. Especially not with children at home and so much going on otherwise. My new website is keeping me busy and I've started a twitter account, I'm finding it quite addictive. It's also proving to be quite informative. I think I'm finally getting a handle on how to manage social media. My kids book site has had over 200 hits in two weeks and I'm really happy with that. I've added other sections, like news and classics I just need to get around to writing some recommends lists.

Like I said keeping me busy.

We were planning on spending a couple of nights on an island but ditched that idea when it turned out it was going to cost us more to go across for two days than it would to go down south. We have settled probably for a day trip on a day we can get a discount.

Then there is other stuff going on with hubby an his band. Too much stuff really.

And if all this wasn't enough I have submitted one entry for a writing comp and am about to submit another. Then I had to say no to a friend. The thing she wanted was huge and I really just need some time to myself. It's hard, I feel bad for saying no but I really had to.

I've been busy but this week has felt so good. So busy with my head in books or a pen in my hand. I have one more week off and to be honest I really wish this could be my life. Writing, reading, blogging, trying to inspire people and kids to read.

Chaos and Madness

This week has been a really busy one for me, I started my own kids book website TheKylieVerse.com

This has kept me incredibly busy as I wanted to update it quite a lot in its first few weeks so it doesn't look too sparse.

Work has been interesting, finally we started to get new stock in which is a good thing, though I heard today through a source in council that the store will stay but it will get smaller. I don't really know what's going on but as I saw official looking guys discussing things about the site yesterday (they appeared to be in store secretly) it does ring possible.

I'm feeling a little shaky on a couple of footings at the moment. One the website, I want it to achieve a couple of things and not just be a colossal waste of time. Two hubby's band, it looks like it could go places but one of the guys is looking like he could stuff it up. It bothers me because my hubby has put a lot into it, and he's not the only one. I hope it sorts itself out. I pray and hope it sorts itself out. I try not to think too much on it but you know how it is when you try not to think of something.

Anyway my faith is still a bit wobbly. I am trying; to talk to God and to believe. I want to believe that my dreams can come true. I want to believe that what is in my heart is there for a reason. And with all that is going on in the world at the moment I have to remind myself that really my concerns aren't all that big a deal.

God please be with those in Japan, those in Christchurch and me. Help me to hold on to what I know is true and that is that you love me, you created me and you have a purpose for me, even though I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean.

On a side note I am on two weeks holiday so I may not be here for the next two saturdays I will have to see how it goes. But I will be back.

Fallout From The Perth Writer's Festival

So last week I was really hoping for...well I'm not sure but I sure as heck didn't expect to be the most depressed I have been in along time. Here is what I wrote last Saturday.

My mind is mush. I am feeling so totally out of my depth. I thought I'd feel comfortable here with people who share my passions but instead I can't remember the last time I felt so uncertain. Right now all I want to do is lock myself in a room and go back into myself.

I wonder if it's because on some level I don't like to give of myself, to risk. I don't want to be laughed at or pitied. I am kind of waiting for someone to pat me on the head and say 'it really is time for you to give up on your dreams, can't you see that it is time for you to grow up and join the real world'.

And I feel sad because I haven't doubted myself like this in a long time.

TIME PASSES

I'm beginning to think this weekend is designed to make me feel like an outcast. I get to my seat for 'The Feast Of Words' and I'm at the far end, with no menu, no butter knife, no place setting gift and an empty space across from me. Is there any better way to make me feel as solitary as possible through the evening. Only one person next to me and on diagonally opposite. Probably not going to speak to anyone all evening, at least I can reach the wine bottle without moving.

Then when I said I'd taken the menu from the setting of the woman who sat next to me, she got really pissy.

That is all from saturday. I will add though that the woman diagonally across was a real joy to share a meal with. It didn't turn out to be too bad an evening, though I still felt depressed. And unfortunately still do a bit.

Less Religion

I'm reading 'More Jesus, Less Religion' (Arterburn & Felton). I know it's been a long time since I've picked up a book dealing with christianity. I'm really liking it though. There is a lot that say that in my mind I find myself going, well at least someone out there sees things like I do.

For me religion has become so structured and organised. If you don't fit in to the box labeled christian it seems sometimes that the church just doesn't know what to do with you.

I was at a service last week and they were talking about their vision for the youth and kids. While they were talking I was thinking that maybe I could get involved with some sort of youth programme, after all it is one of the issues I feel strongly about. Thing is from past experience I'm not sure how well I fit into these sort of programmes. I'm more a sort of come in for a one off thing. I guess that's why I sort of hope the YA novel I'm working on will get publication, because that would open the door to speaking engagements. It's not the speaking itself that drives me but the fact I could openly talk about some things I know others avoid.

I don't know, I'm going to leave this in God's hands, it's not something I plan on pursuing actively in itself.

Speaking in front of others doesn't scare me so much. Talking about my past and the rough things I've experienced doesn't even particularly bother me. Being treated as a joke does but that's a fear a lot of us share. Truthfully I don't want to limit myself to a church environment.

There is still a long way to go with the novel though and I really must make sure I don't get ahead of myself.

A Little Brighter

I want to thank those who offer their encouragement and support, you know who you are and I am incredibly grateful that you are in my life.

I still wish I didn't have to fight so hard for what I want, but now I am refreshed a little and able to face it with at least a bit of a smile on my face. Though with the weather heating up I'm not so sure my smiling will last if I keep up my running.

I am content to say I believe and yet I struggle. This in no way makes me unique I know this I also know that sometimes its hard to see a way out when you feel so stuck in the darkness. It just takes a little while sometimes to realise that the darkness isn't complete and doesn't mean I'm swamped in evil. Just a little down.

This week has been something I really needed, a week off work. It's no secret that work and I aren't on the best of terms at the moment and to be honest this has been a great week one I wish I could continue in. I know everyone feels that way after time off. It's not so much that I long to stay home and game or do nothing, rather that I wish I could stay home and write. More than anything I know in my heart that this is my passion and what I am meant to do. So I will persevere. I'm pretty good at that, and trust in the knowledge that one day...

Till then I will believe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Strange Week

It's been kind of a strange week for me. When I found out I didn't make the writers short list, so therefore no trip to Qld I thought I'd be a lot more disappointed. I don't know why I wasn't. Immediately I sent off two submissions and through myself into forging forward.

I have also been busy at work, not happily busy I have to say but busy keeps my mind occupied and means I don't have time to dwell on things. I had to pull 21 pages of book titles off my shelves for a 50% markdown. My line manager suggested I should be happy to be getting rid of my dead stock. Problem is not all of it is dead stock. My other concern is that I won't be sent books to fill my shelves but toys. This is a big problem for me. When I started it was a bookstore, now they want to be a gift store. An overpriced gift store. This isn't something I haven't said to my managers in one way or another. When I noticed an item had gone up by 20% in time for it to be placed on the promo poster for the holidays I expressed my disgust only to be told there was nothing I could do about it. I know that but I still had to let someone know what I thought.

Books I can sell, toys I have no interest in selling. A customer asked me the other day for a recommendation, I started going through my list when she said she didn't want a book she wanted a nicknack. my response was, "I have no idea, I'm a kid's book specialist I suggest you pick something the child will be interested in." I know that won't win me points with the company but I don't care. I was hired as a kids book specialist not a toy expert.

On top of all of that you can buy toys that are just as nice if not nicer down the post office for a lot less.

So bottom line life goes on and not always as we hope. Next time I'm sure I'll write something deeper. So till then have a good one.

Update

Well it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I have been really busy, mostly editing my novel. Which I have now submitted and feel at somewhat of a loss. There are a few things I may want to blog about but at the moment none spring to mind.

My week was mostly good but then Friday it went to crap. So my plans to actually blog about something of substance have gone out the window as I allow myself time to celebrate making it through the first round of cuts in the manuscript competition. And of course catch up on some reading. This weekend I've already finished the first of Michael Pryor's Laws of Magic, and Robert Muchamore's Shadow Wave, and I've started Suzanne Collins' Mockingjay.

I also have a one act play to learn by tomorrow and a short monologue. Hmmm. Shouldn't be a problem though.

My other plans for this down time include more reading (obviously) I have a pile of books to get through that seems to get bigger by the week. Also, the up-coming One Act season. Taxes. Oh and sitting in on writing sessions of lyrics with the guys.

Today I got to sleep in and sort out a few idea's for kids books and my second Evayn novel.

So all up I've got plenty to keep me busy. I will soon write a blog that is more than simply an update.

Ooops

Well I'm sorry to say I ran out of time on the weekend to blog and there are several topics I could get my teeth into. Thing is though right now I am concentrating on editing my 91000 word manuscript and I have to have it done by mid August. I'm sure I won't miss all these weeks and I'm sure something will get me fired up enough to rant about. So for now I hope you forgive this weeks brief and uninteresting addition.

Talking To God

I was talking to God today, yes I still do that, and in the course of the conversation I felt Him tell me that what I had to do was be happy. This may sound silly but bear with me. It was like He was saying ‘I made you who you are, I gave you the gifts and skills, it isn’t necessary to me that you struggle to fit into the mould the church wants you to. It isn’t your fault if they won’t or can’t stretch to embrace the opportunity.’ That isn’t a direct quote but it was the gist.

It gave me permission to let go of some of those things I’ve been holding onto, including the belief that I’d been given these passions for a reason and somehow the church must be tied up in that.

We also talked about failure, or I did. How in many ways I feel like a failure because so many things I want to achieve, I haven’t. When I was younger I wrote a list of things I wanted to do: countries I wanted to visit – some I have; seeing a show in the West End – I saw five; owning a pair of 501’s – did that and loved them.

Now there are so many other things I want to do and can't seem to, or at least haven’t yet, I’m still working on them. If nothing else I’ve discovered that I’m very persistent.

So then we get onto what is and isn’t failure. For me there is so much I want – I want to act professionally and I want to write professionally. I want to set up trust funds and finance other things, and before you say I can still help with those things by getting involved in other ways, I know myself well enough to know I may not be the best person for that part of things – I’m too impatient and blunt.

God however views things differently. For me the fact our first production didn’t break even, even when we were doing what we truly believed God wanted us to be doing, meant it was a failure. I won’t deny the learning curve was great and to an extent worth it, but still how do you class that as success. God however sees the fact we stepped out when he asked. And in little ways we’ve kept stepping out and for me the slap backs, rejections and disappointments equate to failure. God however sees the faith in the step.

The cynical part of me wonders how and why I should keep holding onto the dream, keep talking to God when we’ve fallen so many times. I see facebook friends post status updates like ‘I want things to happen for me, I’ve made good choices and want to reap a harvest because I’ve put God first’, and the first thing I think is…well that has never worked for me.

No-one cautions that it may not happen. That change may not make it easier. Sometimes they say God’s timing is perfect and His vision may be different to ours, that’s as close as they get to saying – sometimes God wants to take you through the fire again and again.

So yes I feel I’d like a break from the fires God. I want my words to touch many. I want people to see what I can do with a character and value it. You know though – here in the crucible it may hurt and be frustrating beyond measure but it’s here that I have my family. It’s here I stand, feet dug in, sweat, tears and blood dripping, shouting into the wind ‘Is that all you’ve got?’

I will not give up. I may feel like it but I won’t and those who love me won’t let me.

God sees me stand, He sees the tears and sees me get back up when I am down, for me this may be stubborn determination but for Him that is success.

Dammit if my words help just one person to get back on their feet. To not give up on Him because it’s not turned out like they were told it would or hoped it would. If one person realises they aren’t alone and pain is no cause to give up. If just one person is encouraged, then really I should, too, view it as a success.

So to conclude, in the words of two favourite shows:

Never give up, never surrender

If you can’t walk, you crawl, and if you can’t crawl…if you can’t do that anymore you find someone to carry you.

Take heart, you may be walking the narrow road and sometimes that is damn hard but at least you aren’t on it alone.

Happy Birthday To Me

Another week, another year. Birthdays sometimes give us cause to think. They give me cause to think because I'm still not where I want to be and as far as my performing hopes go, this year has been harsh. It makes me wonder how long I can hold onto the words of encouragement from my past. should I still be holding on nearly 15 years later or is it time to move on from those hopes. In the past I haven't been very good at moving past them but I do find myself again wondering if I should try.

Focusing on my writing is proving a little more ego friendly but I'm aiming for financially friendly and I've been writing longer than acting. If I've learnt anything from the times I've tried to give up before it's that I am most happy when I am being creative, so I guess no matter how low I get I will keep on keeping on. It's what I do.

Love you all and may this year be a blessed one for you.

Oh and I'm keeping this short because I have a writing deadline, wish me luck or pray for favour this is something I really want. Next week I'll probably be back to my usual wordy self, my first deadline will have passed and there will be nothing high pressure I can do until I get notified of if I am selected.

Interesting Week

Well this has been an interesting week. I had an audition I thought went fairly well, but then the director didn’t bother to let me know what he’d decided, now you don’t necessarily expect to hear from some directors but when they assure you they will then well nothing…so needless to say I got annoyed and a little bit down. Someone once told me if I can’t handle rejection then I should not be involved in performance. He was right, and in my head I know I can do this but sometimes when junk like this happens and I know I did a better audition than the girl who was cast and I am actually the right age not 10 or so years too young, then I doubt.

When I doubt I get down and this time my hubby got in touch with some people and told them I was doubting my ability and they got in touch to kick my ass for being stupid and letting some director get to me. I have great friends, friends I know support me and will no doubt tell me if I suck, but they knew I was struggling and they took the time to check on me. Now that is friendship.

So I made some decisions, we’ve booked our holiday tickets and I’ve came up with an idea for another novel. Then there is also the fantasy story I’m working on. So lots going on even if it wasn’t all what I thought it would be.

I have great friends and a man who understands me. It’s all pretty good really.

Thank You

I don’t experience depression like I used to. I used to spend many hours feeling bleak, down, stuck in the boggy quicksand trying to see where in my life there was value. If I were to let you go over my poetry from that period you would see some of it was incredibly…well depressing.

Now it’s kind of a different beast. It’s not as all encompassing, dragging me down for days at a time and I no longer try to hurt myself in an effort to relieve it. Though admittedly there are days I really wasn’t to hit something. I also know my life has value, I have an awesome family so how could I think otherwise.

So what is my problem you may wonder? Mostly I guess in one way or another you could classify it as self-doubt. I know what makes me happy. I know where my dreams and passions pull me, but I’m not even close to fruition and so I wonder. I doubt. I question. Why can’t I give up? Why do I think I can do these things? Am I a good enough writer? Can I actually act? And around the questions and doubts circle.

I sometimes watch something and wish I could be doing that. Other times I see someone on a screen and think their acting is terrible yet they get paid to do what I love so does that mean my acting is worse? Self-doubt, self pity, depression.

Fortunately it doesn’t often last very long because I know I can’t really give either of them up. I know, I’ve tried. Also I hold desperately onto the words of those who owe me nothing – the director who’s worked in the West End who said I have the ability; the theatre manager who said the show I wrote was good; the writing mentor who rang me up to tell me to keep writing because the only reason I didn’t get the mentorship was because there was someone who wrote in his genre and he felt he was better equipped to help them.

And all the people who have told me that my words have touched them.

Friends and family certainly help but I extend a gracious thankyou to those who have encouraged me without being invested in my mindset.

Free Downloading

So here I am more than ready for a total rant. It’s no secret that I work in a bookstore, I write and I’d love to make my money as a writer. It is also no secret that I act and would love to make money that way too. I am a creative person and I have embraced that, for all the crap you have to put up with in being one. I have come to accept the highs and the lows, I don’t particularly like them but I accept them. I know I need to have thick skin, I’ve received many rejections in my pursuits and truthfully if I could give up I might but they are my passion and what drives me is the need to create. I need to make characters come alive, I need to imagine and dream.

So to my rant. Something happened the other day that pissed me off so much. I am not into illegally downloading anything, my friends know that for me it is a case of not stealing from the place I wish to earn from. Now I know e-readers are coming, the fact I like books means nothing, but someone said the thing with e-readers is that you can down load everything for free. Technically not accurate, you probably can download heaps but not all of it legally. I’m happy for musicians who manage to get a bigger cut of the money rather than the record labels and similar results but illegally downloading doesn’t do that.

Now we are getting closer to the point that got me fired up in the first place. One of the kids at work said why should he pay for downloads because he has bills to pay. It was about this point I started to swear. For crying out frigging loud. How naïve are people like this? You think that creative types don’t have bills to pay, families to look after and to put food on the table for their kids? You selfish creative black holes, sitting out there on your lazy selfish arses, saying feed me my entertainment I deserve it.

No you don’t, it’s a luxury. It is something someone created for you to fill in you time but for them it was work, surely they deserve to get paid for their effort. And just in case you are totally naïve many, many, many writers, musicians, actors and artists struggle to make it. For every multimillion dollar actor in a film or show there can be hundreds or thousands who rock up, work, go home and get paid bugger all and have no guarantee of work the next week. For every Rowling or Meyer are loads who would be thankful to get a publisher look at their work.

Here my last work to those who think free downloads are a right…stop sucking the livelihood from those you profess to admire and from those who work to see your many empty hours filled with ways to entertain you. We love to entertain just don’t think what you do isn’t stealing from us…we have bills to pay too.