#AlwaysKeepFighting

I could have sworn I'd posted more recently here. Clearly not. I must have been imagining things. Well it wouldn't be the first time.
This year has already been so busy. Work, kids growing older, writing, fitness, family, friends. Life really.
I'd like to say it has all been awesome, after all the crap that happened last year. But it hasn't. And you know what, that is life. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Life can be wonderful, or terrible. The trick is to embrace both and get hung up on neither.
See the terrible can open doors to realisations - a friendship that needs more time because it is limited, a person you need to walk away from because you simply don't need that much toxic in your life.
The wonderful can give you hope - that dreams can come true, that you're not too old, or too anything else, to do what you want.
They balance each other out. If you focus too heavily on the bad you struggle to see the good and if you float too much on the great then when the bad happens the crash is so much harder to recover from.

Today is not a great day for me, I feel down, a bit frustrated and to be honest a little depressed. For no real reason I might add. Depression can be like that. My head can be a rather fucked up place to be. Part of me wants to do nothing but curl up in bed and sleep, or maybe read. I don't want to deal with the kids, I don't want to talk to hubby. I just want to hide myself away from it all.
But I won't. I'm lucky, my depression is mild in the grand scheme of things, and I've been living with it for so long I have a pretty decent handle on how to deal with it: I throw myself into writing; I make sure I push aside the grump and hug my kids, embrace something awesome about them and smile with them; I apologise for my crappy mood to my hubby, who blessedly understands and knows how to hold me steady; and yes I read, immerse myself in someone else's world for a while; I even make myself exercise.
In other words I try to do things that are normal for me. I try to smile, not the fake 'everything is alright' bullshit smile but a real, right down inside kind of smile.
Sometimes these bouts of depression last days, sometimes only hours. I'm lucky. Like I said my experience is only mild. Others don't have it so lucky. For others the suffocating grey encroaches their day or night, it pulls them downwards and inwards to the point they just can't be bothered with anything. Telling them to buck up isn't the answer. Allowing them to talk can help. Just sitting with them can do wonders. Don't try to fix them. If you can get them help great. For some that comes in the form of medication or counselling, if that could be the answer encourage them. Mostly I think it is important for them to not feel alone. Allow them to be real about their feelings. If they feel like crap that's not wrong, it just is. Hold them and love them through it.
This world we live in can be hard. So many put so much of themselves out there that the rest of us  wonder what the hell we are doing wrong. My life isn't as together as such and such's. My butt isn't as perfect as hers. He just posted a pic of his ripped abs, well I can't do that. She always has such good days and great luck. I'll never get the opportunities he gets. Why should I bother when I can't compete with that. Their kids are so well behaved. My kid is so moody yet hers is just perfect - what am I doing wrong?

You know what, STOP!
I mean it. Stop trying to compare yourself to others. I reckon if people were to social media truthfully the picture would be very different. We would then realise most people don't have it all together. We only pick and choose the good bits to share. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people should air their dirty laundry on line. I think we do it because we want to see which side of the argument or whatever is more popular. We need to stop oversharing and stop thinking all the positive means everyone but us has it all together.
See social media is like that old chestnut 'how are you?' People who ask that mostly don't want to know. They want you to say 'great how are you?' It is pointless small talk and not meant for truth. I went through a phase where I would ignore that question or say, 'I don't know you so I don't feel I have to answer that', or something similar. It was funny, someone got really upset with me one day for not answering that question, they didn't know how to cope when I didn't play their game.
But I digress. Don't base your happiness around what people post. They may be feeling terrible but doing everything they can to protect some image they believe they have. Unless you really know someone, you don't know them. Most of us have no idea how much our acquaintances struggle everyday. There are certainly enough things to struggle with - perceptions, popularity, protecting our image, weight, beauty… the list goes on.
Just be you. If you feel down today find someone to talk to, or just to hug you. If you don't know anyone find a group, if you don't want to do that, message me. The grey and cold don't last, they don't have to last. You don't need to go it alone. Picking yourself up isn't always easy but you can do it. Look for that hand that is their just waiting for you to grab and grab it. Have someone's back or let someone have yours.
#AlwaysKeepFighting

A Difficult Time Of Year

This year has sucked…
In some places.
But in others it has really been awesome.
Sometimes it is so easy to focus on the bad. What is it about us that makes us geared that way? Why is when we look back we measure in negatives?
See this year saw me injured, assaulted, stuff up something that ended up costing me money that I could have used elsewhere and lose my father. All of which rated on the crappy scale somewhere.
Then the last week or three has been filled with so much tragedy to so many people, on a personal and national scale.
If that is all I focus on then well, by all means 2014 you can piss off and I'm glad to be done with you.

But…
And the thing about but is that it kind of cancels out what came before it.
But…
I completed my first Spartan, my second Tough Mudder, proved myself in a few extremely tough situations, learnt some awesome skills, made some awesome friends and possibly, yes possibly found myself a publisher. Oh and as much as I miss my father, I know he isn't suffering as much as he was anymore. Then there was the awesome family holiday we had (the first in years) and the weekend hubby and I got to go to Sydney without the kids (first time in 11 years). Oh and all the fun stories I have from my SupaNova experiences.
So really, 2014 wasn't all that terrible.

And yet as Christmas is almost upon us it behooves us to be aware of how both the end of the coming year and the festive season effect others.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of good cheer and a celebration of human spirit. If you are a person of faith it is a time to remember the birth of Christ and the spirit in which he came to us. Regardless of your faith and how you celebrate, regardless of your feelings on the commercial behemoth that Christmas has become, it is a time to embrace friends and family, to look at who you are and examine what really matters.
For some of us, that is no easy thing. Christmas can be a time of sad memories, high stress, isolation and increased depression.
The things we have lost are often foremost in our minds. For those like me, who have lost someone this year it doesn't mean we can't celebrate. Would our loved ones really want us to not enjoy this time of year. We shouldn't feel guilty about the moments of joy we find, like we shouldn't feel guilty if we want or need to take time to grieve.

The thing Christmas has become, is in many ways a far cry from its roots. There is undoubtably great pressure that comes, to get the right present, the most expensive or the biggest number or whatever. It is so easy to forget how much of a crock that really is. Don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for Christmas. I love it, I love gift giving but I am so often incredibly aware of my budget. Do I wish I could give my girls more? Sure. I wish I could give them the world. Do I know that isn't a great idea? Sure again. So I try to find a balance even though I'm not always very good at it.
Our inability to do as society says, to give what they advertise as the hottest thing or whatever, shouldn't add to the pressure in our lives. Even knowing that doesn't change the fact it often does. It doesn't alter the fact that increased financial pressure (because we all know bills don't stop at this time of year) adds to our stress. Inability and the related stress cause a plummet in people's ability to cope, to keep a smile on their faces, there is then an increase in depression.
The other thing about a holiday like this one is that it can really increase our feelings of isolation. Not everyone has a lot of friends. Not everyone has a functional family or even a dysfunctional one that can at least get together to make silly Christmas memories.

In short for a large number of people this time of year is hard. It stinks. I wish it didn't.
I wish it was easier for us to let go of the crap, and not to focus on the bad. I wish things like Sydney and Cairns didn't happen (ever let alone this time of year). I wish I had the inclination to simplify at this time of year and maybe lead by some example, but I can't, or won't. Not this year. Maybe next, and maybe never. I wish I could teach people to let go of the negative, but for each of us that is a personal choice.
As the year draws to a close we also are incredibly aware of just how much we haven't done. The resolutions we didn't keep. The goals we didn't reach. You know what? Life goes on. It can get better. You need to choose to make it better.

Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't let the decisions you made in the heat of the moment or a drunken binge rule your life. You can have a better future, maybe not the one where you get the job that pays you millions, or the lotto win where you don't need to work any more. Maybe the better future is the one where you decide to make the effort to connect with friends more often, or lose two kilos instead of ten or even walk away from that toxic friendship that is bringing you so down.
Happiness at any time of the year doesn't always come from big things. It doesn't come from the presents under the tree, or the cards on the mantle. Happiness is when you know your worth, when you are doing what makes you happy not what makes everyone else happy. I wish I could find the way to make people understand that. I wish people could see that if we work on the smaller things, quite often the bigger ones fall into place.
I wish people understood that happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. Mostly it comes from knowing ourselves, and  accepting ourselves.
I wish, I wish.
I know I can't buy my family the same things friends of ours can afford and you know what, I'm fine with that.
I know I'm not going to get some of the things I would love to get in the next 12 months but I am also fine with that.
I know that others don't understand my drive for fitness and strength, my joy in sparring with my hubby and my geeky nature, and I am fine with that.
I accept myself. I wish others could too, if nothing else it would alleviate some of the stress of this time of year.
Don't let this season get the better of you. Don't give up on the future. Don't lose heart. Remember the highs, the good moments, let go of the bad.
I hope for all of you out there that you find a way to get some moment of positivity and happiness in this festive yet difficult time.

I Am Spartan!

Yesterday I did something awesome.

That's right I completed my first Spartan Sprint. It's not my first obstacle race but I've got to say I think it's the toughest one. It was in a word brutal. And yet it was awesome.
Let me dissect that a little for you.
Spartan started for us at 0840am, it was cold, the sun wasn't even over the hill yet and the breeze was brisk.

That's the gentle sloping side, the side we had to go part way up carrying sandbags.
Anyway we started in such a fun way, by going for a swim.

Holy crap it was cold. Then we crawled under barbed wire, jumped some fences and headed up the most brutal hill I've ever seen. Trust me it looked tough when I was at the base and still dry and semi warm. We faced rope climbs, weight challenges, the dreaded spear throw, monkey bars with a twist, mud crawls, cargo ropes and lots and lots of water. Then of course the burpees.

(I was so tired by here, really close to the end)
In case you didn't know burpees suck at the best of times let alone when legs are shaking and cramping and you body is screaming at you for making the decision to do this stupid thing in the first place.
Finally you get to the end and you don't really care how long it took but it feels so incredible just to have finished.
Why was the Spartan race so cool and so important to me?
Because I am not so young any more and I've never been particularly sporty. Spartan is a challenge. Seven kms of pain that is more about, can I finish it, than can I win anything.
In 2008 a bunch of us met as cast and crew for a theatre production, if anyone had said that in 2014 we'd be volunteering to do a race such as this we'd have laughed so hard and asked what they were on. yet it's 2014 and here we are.

I started running as an anger management tool. I was frustrated and needed a way to deal with it without taking it out on my family. It soon became a love/hate thing. I run because I need the cardio workout (my body craves it), I do the other things because I really enjoy the challenge of them. We all have our own reasons. They are all slightly different but we pull together as a team when it matters.
Sure you can do Spartan by yourself (you'd have to be bigger and fitter than me to do so) but sometimes it is better to do things in a team.
It's like life, sometimes the pain comes and we feel we have no choice but to just push through by ourselves. It might be a good time to remember that there is strength in numbers. I'm short I cannot get over a 10 foot wall by myself, I'm stubborn and I won't let my team mates give up also I can sit on the top of the wall and help pull you up. I have my strengths and my weaknesses. Everyone has them. Together we got the team over the line, and through all the pain we had fun with it.

I love my team.

Life is a team event.

It is also about how you choose to face it. I'm older than I've ever been and fitter than I've ever been. People think I'm nuts, not just because I'm a geek or an obstacle racer, but I'm me and I'm comfortable with all my wackiness. I am also only one of 42 women aged 40-49 who took on the Spartan race and I came in 27th. I'm so happy with that. The stats overall were over 450 women raced and I came in at around 278 from memory. I couldn't have done it by myself.
I tell you what though, a couple of those first few obstacles nearly stopped me in my tracks. Sometimes life can be that brutal, particularly when it comes to chasing our dreams. We hit an obstacle and decide there is no way we can go any further. I'm here to tell you, you absolutely can. That ice water is only shocking and freezing while you're in it and not moving. Swim through it and get out and run. That mountain is only a hill with an amazing view to appreciate once you get to the top.
The only person in life you have to make happy is yourself (because funnily enough when you are happy you want to make others happy), the only person you have to be better than is yourself yesterday. Set your own goals and don't let the haters, or laughers stop you.
Set your targets, find that person or group of people who will stand by you, encourage you and pick you up when you stumble. And we all stumble.
I am Spartan!
Who are you?

Precious Things

So my last post was about my mother. This one is about my munchkins.

I work hard. I work long hours in a job many would never consider. I work with amazing people who get a lot of criticism, especially at the moment about being bad or corrupt or whatever. The truth is we are so understaffed that a lot of us are doing a bunch of OT just to cover basic staffing for each day. Sure this is a good thing on one hand. On the other though, is my munchkins. I'm away from home before they get up and get back just before the youngest's bed time. Then with all the extra shifts, I don't even get my normal days off. There comes a time when you have to make a choice. The work hours (money) or time with the kids playing silly games and nagging them to clean their rooms.
On one hand it seems like an easy choice. The money of course, no I mean the kids.
Because when it comes down to it sometimes it's not all that easy. I have a past that, not too long ago, meant we survived pay cheque to pay cheque. Now we have a little leeway. Not as much as you might think but there is a reason for that, it's a choice we made about our priorities.
We have made the choice to have mini breaks this year. Sure we lack in some things but we have the opportunity to take the munchkins out to experience things we haven't previously been able to afford, like the Gold Coast. Also hubby and I are getting our first holiday sans kids shortly.
My biggest struggle at the moment is my baby (who isn't really a baby anymore) who is waking up stupid early to say she misses me when I go to work, and quite often she says she doesn't want me to go. I reassure her that I'll be fine and I'll see her when I come home. I've also made a promise to her that in a little while, on a set date I will be having seven days off and I promise not to do OT or shift swaps into that time.
Would the extra money be helpful? You bet, especially with the hits we took in the last budget. Sometimes though the choice really is that easy. Compromise. The thing with compromise is you as the adult need to keep your word. It's no good promising that 'I'll be home here if you just let me do the extra work now,' if on the allotted date, you realise you've forgotten about a bill and you go do that OT anyway.
Children matter, they are our most valuable possession. We need to raise them to respect a good work ethic, to develop a good work ethic and to value the truly important things in life - each other.
Take the time to embrace that which really matters. Feed the heart and you'll find some things you though were hugely important, really aren't.

Growing Up

Geez, I had no idea that it had been so long since I'd last posted. So much had happened. And yet nothing much has happened. Which really is kinda what life is all about. Life must keep going forward or you become stagnant as a person and I never want to do that.
My munchkins are growing. In some ways way faster than I was expecting. I mean 10 is just too young to have a boyfriend. It is too young to be coming home and telling me she wants to break up with the boyfriend because he is getting 'eerr', he gets aggressive when I speak to other boys and stuff. It is way too young to be coming home to me and telling me he reacted bad when she split up with him, as he went to hit her. 10. Domestic violence at 10. There is no damn way you would ever have convinced me that I would be having discussions with my 10 year old about not letting a boy hit her for what ever reason, and him saying after that he's sorry and still loves her is simply no excuse, (not that he said that but the conversation had to go there).
My mother would be horrified I'm sure, except that she was rather a realist when it came to certain things.
Sure dating for these kids is more a concept and more about who you hang with at lunchtime but for them it has value, it has weight. I just wish it was more childlike than her experience has been.
In some ways she is still so very childish, and I find myself telling her that she has to stop doing things because she is getting older and kids her age don't do that. I'm sure if left to her own devices she'd have still believed in the Easter bunny and Santa.
For all the edge to her, for all her grown up moments there is still something so innocent about her. Yet she is thinking about things I'm sure I never did when I was her age. I mean I came home the other night and she told me she wanted two tattoos (a rose with thorns because life is sometimes hard and hurts, and a tiger because it is fierce and beautiful and she is fierce and beautiful, that is more thought than a lot of adults put into their tattoos), and her tongue pierced. She then went out and had her hair chopped off because she was sick of being treated as the girly girl.
At 10 I was more interested in my books than finding my identity, I suppose that was my identity. I was picked on in school for being smart, she is picked on for being pretty and having hearing aids. Me I retreated into myself, she sets out to make herself into the image of who she wants to be.
Growing up sucks for both parents and kids.

Reflections

It seems that more and more people are publicly reflecting on their year, that's what being on line does I suppose. So many are saying what a terrible year they had in 2013 and how they hope 2014 will be great.

How about we don't just hope. How about we make necessary changes and make 2014 better. Let's not rely on external factors to dictate our year.
Like most people I had a mixed year. Sad moments when goodbyes were said; great moments like completing Tough Mudder; frustrating ones like when the house loan fell through; peaceful moments; joyous ones; annoying ones; amusing ones and yes even enlightening ones. I choose though not to focus on the negative.
See it is so easy to do just that.
We find no difficulty in looking back over an arbitrary time like 12 months and seeing only the dross. We see the bigger things but ignore the smaller ones. Look closer at those though for I'm pretty sure it is those smaller things that got you through. It is the things that you can easily take for granted; friends, family, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and food in your mouth, that we often ignore.

My family get me through every day of a job that I strangely like but many wouldn't want to have to do. I come home to them and the crap of the day doesn't matter. My family stand by my side and accept all my silliness, all my strangeness, all the unusual tendencies that go along with being a creative person. My friends encourage me, they support me, they push me and accept me. Without friends I would never have done something as ridiculous as the 20 obstacle race known as Tough Mudder, I wouldn't already be signed up for 2014 or for a different one as well.
I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, so I am fortunate to enjoy my job, mostly but it doesn't make me rich. What it does do though is feed and clothe my family, it also means I can buy them certain luxuries, things like movies, games, holidays. I still don't have my own house yet and sure that sometimes bugs me but there is no point stressing over that when there is so much else that is good in my life.
I would say to you as you reflect on the past with your eyes turned to the future, don't forget to see the little things. Did your kids come home safe from school having learnt something? That is a good thing. Did little Miss 6 start acting a certain way that no matter how much you know you shouldn't laugh you can't help yourself? That's a good thing. Did master 5 loose a tooth and get all excited that the Tooth Fairy swapped it out for money? That is a good thing. Did things not go according to plan? Open your eyes a little and allow for some time, then look at it again and maybe you will find that really it was a good thing.
And no not everything is good, some things really are crap, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to be crap. The year my mother died, I gained a daughter and a nephew. I've lost jobs before and been kicked out of houses, neither of which were pleasant experiences but they didn't make the rest of my life crap. I've lost friends and had my heart broken, I've been so confused and depressed that I cut myself. I've been rejected, teased, bullied and these things all hurt but I still had people around who loved me, I still had hope and potential.

Am I where I wish I was? No not really. Am I okay with that? Definitely. I am still on my life journey, there is still a long way to go. I have goals sure but no resolutions. I will make choices on a daily basis and that will dictate how my year goes regardless of what crap life may choose to throw at me. They say don't sweat the small stuff (and it's all small stuff) but maybe we should sometimes remember to look at that small stuff and realise just how fortunate we might be.

Right now though as the clock ticks over to the new year I am sitting at my computer, with a glass of wine, some chocolate, doing one of the things I love - writing. That for me is not a bad thing.
Here is to an awesome year to come filled to the brim with things that make you happy, choose to be happy.

I Came and Kicked Its Ass

I did it.

The thing that has been my goal for the last 12+ months I have now done. It was awesome. More than that I conquered one of the obstacles I really thought there was no way I would.

Not all that long ago there was no way I would have thought it possible. In fact there was a time when a couple of us who competed would have laughed at the suggestion and assumed the person speaking had hit the theatre bar a little early. 'You think I'm going to what over 20kms?!' Goals are funny things though. Some people are good with them, some not so good. Me, I am grateful for my headstrong personality which means once I've set my mind to do something there better be a really good reason for me not to get it done. That is not just with things such as fitness goals, though that is a huge thing for people at the moment. I'm all for setting fitness goals, I still have them, I need to continue on the path I've set myself on, there is simply no way I am going to let that go now, I've got next year to prepare for and it looks as though I will compete in more than one event. The feeling the kind of success that is reaching your goals brings, is AWESOME! I am determined to push harder.

It is the same determination that should be applied to all aspects of life though. If I only applied it to one area then my life is likely to get all out of whack. My family don't want someone who is obsessed with just one thing to to detriment of everything else. That kind of thinking makes for a very one dimensional and yes very boring person. All of us can probably be a little that way, if you don't want to be stuck talking about the one topic for hours then never bring up books with me.

Fortunately I have other goals that drive me, and I have set those before me as I did my fitness goal. I finished my first novel, now my next goal there is to make it into two on the advice of someone who knows better than me. I am part way there and I plan on using my time off to get further there. Goals can be a great thing. Don't let them become a narrow focus for you though because we all need to be more than one dimensional beings, we all need something else in our lives just in case it turns to crap, as it sometimes does.

There is just one other thing I want to say about goals. Sometimes it can be a great help to have someone along side you. Someone with the same goal, or a similar one. Someone to encourage you and pick you up. Someone who will just boot your ass if needed.

Those of you have been there for me in my Tough Mudder journey you know who you are and I thank you. Those of you who are there for my writing pursuits I thank you too. Without friends and support it can be hard to reach the end. Without someone to boot your butt occasionally it can be easy to slip into the slumber of apathy that says, 'well I tried it once, it doesn't matter if I try again'.

Trying to Keep On Top

Somedays really drag,

I wish they didn't but that is the truth of it. There are just so many things I want to be doing with my time - reading, writing, training, catching up with friends. The stuff I have to do doesn't even rate on my list - cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing. I freely admit I am a sucky housekeeper, I would much rather be curled up with a book until ridiculous hours of the morning than do my dishes. Growing up is about understanding that some things just need to get done and believe me there are days I wish I could forget I'm supposed to be a grown up. How can you follow your dreams when reality gets in the way? How can I work on getting published when I work 12 hr shifts? The truth is I only manage by doing what I can each day. If that means it is only a few words, then at least it is still better with the number of words I had started the day with. Because I review books even sitting curled up with a book is considered productive on some level for me (a fact for which I am eternally grateful although it would be nice to get paid to do it). Sometimes it feels the least productive days are the ones I'm at work, though without those I couldn't afford to do the other things I love. I have to admit though at least I have a job I like, and yes I am fully aware of the fact that most people struggle to understand how I could like it, (it helps to have a twisted sense of humour). With Tough Mudder looming next weekend that has more of my focus right now than my writing does, but that will change once Mudder is over, no matter what the result. I get that people think I'm silly to want to do this, for me though it is the challenge of doing something I never would have dreamed possible a few years ago. I suppose life is a varied and awesome thing and if you are prepared to embrace it and the changes it throws your way then your life can be so much more than you thought possible. You don't need to be some kind of special and superhuman to achieve this, you just need to be flexible enough to change and determined enough to keep moving forward even if it is only one baby step at a time.

My Life Is Richer For My Friends

I turned 40 a few months ago and because I was so busy I was unable to have my party till the weekend just gone. It was awesome.
It wasn't a big affair. It wasn't a fancy affair. It was a backyard barbecue with friends. I know people throw parties and invite dozens of people. They ask them to BYO all sorts apparently (though some don't). They get stressed about catering for everyone and probably can't get around to talking properly to everyone they invited.
Me I over cater. I always over eater. That's fine though because it means I have enough food to last for the rest of the week. My kids think it's great coz there is so much cool drink and junk food left in the house they will be on a sugar high for two weeks. I like to provide for those I invite, it makes me happy.
The best thing, the very best thing about my party was the chance to catch up with some of the most awesome friends ever. True friends are those you may not get to see very often but there will always be a connection. They are the people who will be there when you really need them. They will even dress up in silly 80's costumes just because I asked them too.

My friends are the best.
I am blessed to have such awesome people in my life.
These are people who stand by you when it goes to shit. They are people who will go out of their way to make sure you are okay if something terrible happens (like your mum gets sick). They are the people who stand by you when you need to vent. Or you loose a job, or you are just having an unsettled time being a parent.
True friends are the ones who accept you for your good points, your bad ones and your quirky tendencies. They will do things they may not be real comfortable doing because you ask them too. True friends make you laugh, understand when you need to cry and are there when you need to throw something.
Friends also do something else. They make you better. I suppose they can make you worse if you pick bad ones, but mine don't fit into that category. My friends push me to keep going. They inspire me, they encourage me. They give me a kick when I need it. My interactions with them have impacted on my life and I really think they help me to be better.

I am truly blessed with my friends and I wouldn't change what I had for all the big arse, expensive, fancy parties, with loaded gift tables, for anything, because I know without a question what I have is of far more worth than anything you can buy anywhere for any price.
One of them said the most amazing thing to me, she said even though she hadn't felt like coming she had to because it was me and she would always do that for me. (I know she spent ages in costume places because of me, even though she'd have rather done just about anything else except go back to her old job, and that is pretty damn special.)
To my friends and you know who you are, my life is so much richer just because you guys are in it. Thank you.

Not As Young As I Was

Statement of fact really for every one of us. When we were younger 30 seemed so old. 40 was just about ancient let alone 50 or 60. Now I'm here at 40 I don't feel old, I still feel like me. Young, silly and not ready to consider myself as old.
Of course it helps that I'm fitter now than I have been in years but the truth is that, in and of itself, is an indication of getting older. Once upon a time I didn't really have to do anything to fit into smaller size clothing, now I need to watch what I eat to an extent and sweat on a regular basis. Neither of which it turns out, do I have a problem with.
Every now and then though my body decides to let me know that I'm not 20 anymore. It chose to do that this weekend, when I picked my munchkin up and went to flip her around. I threw my back out more than throwing my daughter around and have spent the last two days babying it and keeping it warm so as to make the healing process short.
I am sure there was a time that wouldn't have happened. Thing is though it is an inconvenience but that is all. So I won't run this weekend, so I won't get to pound on my newly put up heavy bag. I refuse though to let this little indication of not being so spritely bother me.
When you are actually young, you often think growing old would have to suck. Actually it's pretty good fun. Life is made up of experiences and choices and quite often you are simply better equipped to make better choices when you are older. When you are younger you think nothing much can touch you. When you are older you realise there is a fair chance crap will happen at some point and it's all about how you choose to deal with it.
I love being the age I am. I wouldn't go back to being 21 again for quids, (maybe 30 I would). Truthfully, I actually think I'm a better person now, though there are days I wish to not have the responsibilities of a grown up. Life is fun because I choose to have fun. Life is productive because I choose to make it that way.
Sure there are things I wish I could change, most people probably have something they would like different in their lives, but those things are things I'm still working on. Age can give you a wonderful perspective if you let it.

A Culture of Blame

My job puts me in many a strange situation. It was never a job I thought I would have. It's not really the sort of job you think about at any time when someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

The thing I want to talk about today is devolution.

I have never in my life seen anyone devolve so totally as I did this week. I saw a grown woman go from being a 30 something to a little child in the space of several minutes.
It was freaky. Seeing someone who has functioned like an adult in every situation you've seen them in, suddenly sit there, rocking, shaking, refusing to open her eyes and crying for her mummy.
In amongst the info dump that happened in those 20 odd minutes where I tried to talk her down, or back to reality, I noticed something. A decided lack of responsibility.
Everyone else was responsible for the position this woman found herself in.

It is so sad that a great number of us have crappy moments in our lives and we just get on with it, but there is an increasing number, it seems, who think everything bad that happens to them is because of what someone else does or did. It's the police's fault that someone goes to jail - it's got nothing to do with the drugs they were on and the actions they took. It's the old person's fault they nearly died because they wouldn't hand over their money and jewellery. And the list goes on.
Me, things don't go as planned well I come up with another plan. I may rant and rave, even throw the occasional pillow but I certainly don't go and commit a crime and blame someone else. Believe me I have had quiet a few downs in my life, more bumps in the road than I would have liked. It can be hard when you know people who always seem to land on their feet. You know the ones - those who squander the amazing opportunities you would give, well not quite anything for, but then they get another and another. You want to slap them upside the head, jump up and down and demand they introduce you to the person who made them the offer because you would like nothing more than to say 'pick me'. It is not to be though, and so we pick ourselves up and go on.
I don't really know where this culture of blame has come from and to be honest I don't know if it's really getting worse or if I just notice it more the older I get.
It is so sad. It makes me want to just take some of these people and shake some sense into them. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure that won't work. No amount of shaking will make a difference till these people want to step up and start acting like adults and taking responsibility. Sure crap happens and it's not always in our control what happens to us but how we respond, that is within our control.

Time Out

I took some time out today. Purely spent some time and money on myself. It was a bonus that my family chose to join me. I threw myself into other people's creativity and it was good.
I am tired and not at all sure I feel like going to work tomorrow but I feel good.
Of course it was good that I stuck to my budget. That is always a positive thing.
On the down side, if there is a down side - I started a new collection today - I bought signed prints from illustrators. I now need frames for all my pics and illustrations.
Time out is a very important thing. There are times in our lives we need to just step away from our commitments and allow ourselves to breathe.
This works best of course if you can pick a thing to do and stick to a budget. So much easier said than done. It can be very easy to fall into this leisure zone and stay there. That's when there is trouble because that is when budgets get blown and stress levels increase.
That will not be happening to me at the moment because I stuck to my budget. However a new collection could prove costly. I am ever so thankful that God blessed me with the ability to budget and stick to it.
Thank you God for good financial management and the ability to take some time away for me.

Learning Curves

I thought it had been 2 weeks since I last wrote, turns out it is 3.
My life is in such a learning curve at the moment. Sure there is the new job, most people in the job reckon it'll be 2 years till you start to feel like you have a handle on things. I'm clarifying things about myself though and that is a good thing, or at least I think it is. Some people may not feel that way, I get that. Learning about yourself can be scary because we tend to live with bits of ourselves hidden in the shadows, most of us don't like to admit we have darker corners of our lives.
I work in an environment where people are who spend most of their time with the darker corners of their lives. It sometimes get you thinking.
People say their kids are their lives, but how can they be when they blow things by thinking one dose of party drugs won't hurt, or that person has a really nice tv I want that. I see people who live for themselves until they are caught by that then they suddenly remember there are other things to live for.
Me I would do anything for my kids and I don't have to worry that there is anything false in me saying that. I took a difficult job so I could ultimately spend more time with them and provide better for them. I would go to the wall for my kids and I know it without a doubt. How sad then to think about those who clearly have moments when they think that and others when they don't, who then get surprised when no-one believes them. I am grateful my kids will never have reason to question how important they are to me. (And yes I am fully aware there will come a time they will hate me.)
That is a positive that is reaffirmed in my life all the time.
There is however, a part of me that is a real cynic. A part of me that goes, 'you're kidding right!' I knew this part of me existed, it is the very reason I think I would make a terrible counsellor. I hear 'but I'm having relationship problems and think 'how does that make you special?' I hear how cruel the system is and I think 'how stupid are you to keep doing the thing that got you into trouble in the first place?' I hear 'I can't afford #####, you'll have to do it for me' and think 'why? if it happened to me and I can't afford it no-one will get it for me.'
This is the darker side of me. The side that probably wars with that 'good christian' who must be there some where. I embrace this about myself though. It makes me who I am but also puts a different spin on things to the one most christians would have.
We often make the mistake of believe God to be this great goody two shoes in the sky. C'mon admit it, you know that stereotype is there. This is the one that says 'everyone should get another chance', that 'everyone is good'. There comes a time though when the chances are up. Not everyone is always going to get another chance. There isn't an unlimited amount of time for things to happen in. You can't keep making crap choices and expect God to wipe the slate clean at the last minute. Why should he make everything easy for you once you finally admit to screwing up? Why should life be easy for you once you admit to being a screw-up?
We are responsible for our own actions, and it frustrates me immensely when people constantly blame others for their lot in life. No not everyone is as gifted academically but that doesn't mean they can't learn something. I'm not gifted as a teacher - several of my extended family members are, that doesn't mean I can't teach my girls how to make good lifestyle choices. I can't play music (very well) so I don't try. Others I know can't act so they don't get up on a stage. I was not born into a family with much money. In fact I have lived off welfare at various times in my life and I didn't feel that society owed me anything. It is always possible to improve yourself in someway. Life is about choices. It is about knowing yourself and sometimes the most important things we can learn are about our darker sides. If we know where our weaknesses are we can make choices to go a different way.
Me, I need to make sure my cynicism doesn't drown out my ability to empathise and care. I need to constantly feed that positive and brighter side of my life to balance out the dark.
We are comprised of shades and choices. Choose wisely and don't be afraid to look into the hidden corners, you may find knowing yourself better shows you strengths you never knew you had.
My cynicism makes it possible for me to deal more impartially with people than those who want to constantly believe in the good of people, or those who want to judge.

Retrospective

We have somehow come to the end of another year.
I don't know whether it is my age but it seems every year passes faster than the one before.
This year has seen my baby start full time school, my eldest struggle to find her niche and start to not me a little girl any more ('mum barbie, that's for little kids' - a comment about a present from a family friend who forgot she was almost 10). Hubby has gotten a little more work in the music area - which I absolutely won't complain about, I just wish there was a bit more.
And then we have me who has had a major career change. I started the year in retail and finished it in Corrective Services.
I've learnt some stuff about myself this year. I still believe in God, in fact there have been days at work when I have spent a lot of time praying, but church and I have some real issues. I still haven't figured out how to give my children a good grounding in faith without going to church. The christians who have been the ones who support me most are those I never (or almost never) see face to face. They are the ones who understand my struggle, they are the ones who don't judge, they are the ones who encourage me.
I realise my new job has very likely made it more difficult for me to find a church home, I work with some really terrible people and I do my absolute best not to judge them nor do I preach at them. The job is high stress and survivable by most through means of a dark sense of humour. And guess what, I feel as though I fit there.
I am going to try a new church this year, I really want to find one where my girls feel as though they fit. That hasn't happened yet. Sure that may not be the best motivation for looking for a church to belong to but after so many years of not really feeling as though I fit I still have fond memories of my times at church camp and such and I want my girls to have similar opportunities.
Life is full of curveballs. I may not be where I wish I was (I'd really like a house of our own) and I may not be anywhere I expected to be (certainly never thought I'd be in the job I currently am). Thing is I can't help but think I'm where I need to be for whatever reason (and I'm sure I have no clue what that reason might be).
Without question though I know I am blessed. Yeah I know people with loads more money than we have but I look at certain things in their lives and wouldn't change mine for theirs. I have a husband who gets me, he supports me. He is my safe place to be - there aren't a lot of men who would be happy for their wives to work in such a potentially dangerous environment. I have two amazing girls who are my reason for choosing a job that gives me more days with them. I get home after a 12 hour shift and shout out to them and they come running and screaming with joy and throw themselves at me. It is a good feeling to know you are missed and loved so much.
I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back (though with the weight I've lost this year I really need to go buy some that actually fit). And my fitness level is so much better than it has been for years.
This year may seem to have flown by but so much has been crammed into it. Life is good. Chaotic, busy but definitely good.
I hope and pray you have a blessed New Year and can experience some of the joy and peace in life that I have.

WWJD

What Would Jesus Do?
This became a catchphrase not all that long ago even though the book by the same name is quite a bit older.
Any way I was thinking about this in amongst all my recent contemplations and whilst I had a rather longer post idea in mind I think I want to start here.
My thoughts have come to the conclusion that it is possible we who call ourselves christians can do with a slight paradigm shift, we have fallen into a safety zone with this question. It puts us on some moral high ground and we judge our choices from a superior perspective, not that we have justification to do so.
I think perhaps we would be well served taking from an old oath - First Do No Harm.
Sure this is just my thoughts but I feel this is a pretty valid starting point. We see things from a judgmental point of view, even though we may not see it that way (just ask a non christian what they think of christians). The stereotype is sad but equally sad is the fact stereotypes don't come from nowhere. If we take the judgement out of the equation, take the moral high ground out of the equation we are left with a better foundation on which to build our lives.
First do no harm.
Now I am not claiming to ever have lived by this, let alone well, but it is a new thought in my mind and one I want to adjust to and see where it leads me.
First Do No Harm.

And Again

I just don't know how time gets away from me.
This year has just blasted by. So much to do, so many changes.
I finish in retail this week and believe me this is something I am totally ready for and absolutely looking forward to. My new job will be a challenge and a career change. This is a good thing.
How do I know this? I just do.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance.
Is this where I thought I would be at this stage of my life? Hell no. I truly believed God had called me to do certain things but if He had/has they haven't happened yet. Am I devastated by this? Not even a little bit. I have attacked some of those things to the best of my ability and you know from a slightly different perspective you could say they have come about, just not the way I expected. That's the thing though, what God means and how we interpret it can sometimes be two vastly different things.
A better question, rather than focusing on where a younger me hoped I would be, is am I happy?
Yes. Without a doubt that answer is yes.
I am blessed with a man who knows me, dare I say understands me, and somehow still loves me. He is my strength and support. When I am down he drags me up and lets me fall apart if I need to.
I have two children who I love even when they bug me to distraction, they make me proud and swamp me with love.
I have done many things, I have experienced life, I get to write. I have even had a job that at one time was one of my dream jobs.
It's all a matter of perspective really. Sure others would look at my life and wonder at the struggles but me I see the strengths and blessings that have come through that. I wouldn't swap what I have for success as the world sees it financially because without my family I couldn't possibly be this happy and to change any one of the things in my life could change what I have and that wouldn't be worth it. It really wouldn't.

So...

A little while ago I felt a prompting to apply for the army reserves, came a little from left field as I have no real desire to serve my country or join what is clearly still a boys club, but I thought why the hell not, it will give me the challenge I am looking for in my life and give me the chance to give a little something back. With all the advertising they are doing at the moment it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get in.
Sure the physical side of things was going to be a push (sprints being the difficultly, I way surpassed the requirement for sit-ups and push ups) and I was nervous about the initial testing because it's been ages since I've sat psychometric testing. Thing was I passed with flying colours, I could apply for anything I wanted with the only exceptions being the stuff you have to be male for. So far so good you would think.
Not so. After testing I get a letter saying I've been rejected on medical grounds. Would you like to know the reason - self harm, because I cut myself over a short period of time 17 years ago I was immediately discounted as a candidate. You better believe that this bothered me on several grounds so I immediately appealed.
My arguments being that it occurred briefly a very long time ago, I was never officially diagnosed with anything, I haven't had a problem with this in over 15 years and in the meantime I've been able to offer up my shoulder to those with similar problems to what I had.
This isn't enough though, my rejection letter to my appeal stated; 'The stresses of service in the Defence force are considerable and often greater than faced in normal civilian life. Experience has taught the ADF that anyone with a history of depressive illness or adjustment disorder associated with self harm, such as yours, has a high likelihood of recurrence during military service, often as early as initial training.'
So in other words my life is stress free and if I start basic training I will probably fall apart and even want to cut myself again.
Wow!
They obviously have no idea how difficult it can be to be part of a low income family, and are unfamiliar with the concept of changing your life. Other things I would like to point out at his stage are; 17 years is as long as some of their recruits have been alive (I don't even get a second chance because of that!) and I know how to iron clothes (check out some of the new recruit videos where they say they have to teach some of them how to iron because they don't know how).
As far as I was concerned the whole process had big flaws in it. Firstly they wouldn't accept my uni transcripts because, well I had to prove I finished year nine and uni transcripts didn't do that. In life a degree always trumps a lower high school graduation certificate. Good grief at my interview the interviewer looked at the jobs I was interested in and said I couldn't do PR because I would need a degree in journalism or something (I promptly handed my degree over before saying lets just concentrate on the reserves not full time at the moment).
The other big problem I have with the process is that in all the questions self harm is lumped in with suicide attempts, now I don't know what psychs they have on the pay roll but not everyone who self harms wants to die. The first nurse I spoke to said it shouldn't be a problem because it was so mild and so long ago, the second one (after the first rejection letter) said self harm is an automatic rejection and I shouldn't have been told that however a letter from my Dr saying they hadn't treated me for depression or self harm, as well as a letter outlining what/when/how I've overcome should be enough to see the decision overturned. At most they both informed me I may need to discuss the matter with an army psych. Well guess what...never happened. I got the second rejection letter with no one even contacting me. They simply decided that something I did nearly half a lifetime ago meant I was unstable and unable to cope with something I determined would be a good thing to do with my life.
In other words the 17 year old who had both mummy and daddy take him to his first session is a better candidate that I am. (Though to be perfectly clear I don't know if he did get in).
They did say I could appeal the decision if I wanted but that would require me paying a shrink to dissect my past and give me a letter saying they believe I can cope, then I have to be interviewed by the army and jump through a bunch of hoops, and even then there is no guarantee that I would be accepted because that would then rely upon how competitive I was for the position I applied for and how many other candidates they had. Good grief! This coming on the back of my initial testing that gave me the all clear to apply for army intelligence officer if I wanted to (which one of the other candidates had informed me meant testing in the top 5% or so), and with me having researched the job I applied for and knowing they needed 13 positions filled and only had 7 candidates in the current pool.
Bottom line is I could have coped, if I was as fragile as they seemed to think surely a form letter saying they understand I will 'be greatly disappointed' with their decision, would do significant damage. Still it's simply another step in life for me and I think it's their loss. There are plenty of other bricks to kick over and ways to achieve goals like challenging yourself. In the mean time my fitness is better than it has ever been and my body is so much better to look at (I'm even starting to see abdominal definition). Something will come along.

Life is a State of Flux

Just when you figure you are going along just fine something comes along and sideswipes you. There have been a couple of things in the last few weeks that have ratcheted up the stress levels. I'm not really sure I can talk about them just yet, not because they are too raw but because some things are a little time sensitive.

Blogging is a good way to think through things, vent at stupid things and even help others through your own experiences. It also means all you post is out there for anyone to look at, including potential employers. Anyone can cyber stalk you and if you say something in the heat of the moment on line sometimes it can come back and bite you on the butt. The truth is it can do that in real life as well but because it is so much more private we often forget about that. The internet can make even the smallest stuff up a much bigger one.

Do I regret the thing that happened this week? No not really. It has made things in my life a little uncertain for the moment but in the long run, I can already see that it was a good thing. Also in the process it has given me the opportunity to remind myself of a few things. So while a life in a state of flux may cause a little stress, it can also be a great opportunity to re-evaluate and I've come to the conclusion I still like myself, the alternative is to not be me and become boxed into the role others would have me fill.

I've never been very good at fitting into boxes.

I Have Done It Now

I now have a goal. I took my desire to find something new, a challenge and I have taken steps to pursue a totally different kind of thing.
A few months ago an idea came to me and I mulled on it for a while before deciding that when these positions opened up that I would apply, the draw back to this is that the whole process before you even find out if you have been accepted takes about 9 - 12 months. That is a fair chunk of time, so much can happen.
I accepted this would take a while so set about looking at other jobs and trying for a career change. Then out of no-where a thought came to me. I looked it up, checked out the application process, went in and spoke to someone to get more information and took the first step.
I am applying for the Army Reserves.
I know, at first glance it seems rather left of field. When I was younger I contemplated the airforce but back then women weren't allowed to fly jets so the appeal was lost a little for me. Until now it's simply not been something that entered my mind. The more I think about it at the moment the more it feels like the right thing.
Of course just because it feels like the right thing doesn't mean the recruiters are going to think we are a good match. However I have booked my first appointment and done a heap of research. Also I am working on being able to hit the physical fitness aspects; the push ups and sit ups aren't the problem I can already hit both required numbers. What is going to be tough is the shuttle runs. Sprints have never been my strong suit. Even all the running I've been doing the last 15 or so months doesn't make this challenge easy. If it was a distance run...well that is what I have been doing already but in some ways it doesn't prepare you for the sprints. Having said that, if I hadn't been doing the 3km runs then my cardio would struggle so much more.
In a way the funny thing is, before I decided to apply for the army, I was already working on my upper body strength. Hubby had bought me dumbbells for my own personal training before I even had this thought, and I have discovered I like weight training.
I have already improved quite a bit in the last few days since I've started the shuttle runs but somedays the difficulty of it is a bit disheartening. I only hope my own personal determination to achieve the goals I set before myself is up to this challenge. Past experience has shown I thrive on a challenge, so I'm going to be positive and back myself on this one too.

Resolutions

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I kind of don't see the point. I like the intention but the idea of forming them the way people do, as often unattainable challenges for the year, well I don't see the point. However I do find the change of year a good time to evaluate life. Where it's going, what I'm doing and am I any closer to achieving what I want out of it.
The last few years I've really felt that THIS year is the year things are going to change for us and we will get our breakthrough. Needless to say we are still here and there hasn't been anything I would consider to be a breakthrough. Survival yes, breakthrough, not so much. So I've decided not to seek out a breakthrough this year. In fact I'm going to do my best to ignore the thought all together. Now that I've voiced it though it may not be so easy.
In the past I've decided I'm going to be more organised, somehow it never really lasts. This year I've just started being more organised. I write down certain things I need to do and make sure I do them. I know simple really isn't it. Always is when I start and I always start with the best intentions. I've managed it for two weeks so far.
The other thing is I think I need a career change. I know I want one. The way I'm thinking of going  isn't a place I've thought of going before and if it wasn't for a chance encounter then I never would have considered it. Now I've done more than consider it, I've researched it and when the applications open I'm going for it. I still want to be a writer and act but I really want something that will challenge me and do more than put the food on the table. A house would be nice too. The thing with decisions like this is they often require great change. They require the willingness to leap out into the great unknown and take a chance.
A bit like faith in a way. We all know I struggle with that. I feel that many times I've flung myself out there and only just survived by the tips of my fingers. This year though seems like it may be a year of guts, courage and the ability to shut your eyes and say 'to hell with it'. My thoughts at this point are 'I hope you are in this God but I'm not waiting for you to say yay or nay, I'm flinging myself at this door anyway. If it's nay it'll hurt when I slam into the door but at least I will have tried.'
This year may not be a year of failed resolutions or breakthrough, but I hope at least to look back on it in 12 months and know it was the year I did my best.