Thankful and Still Going Strong

This has been a busy week for me, and some how one I managed to enjoy even when I was at work. See work and I have a love/hate relationship. I love books but sometimes I'm not so good with people.

I have been working at my current job for nearly 11 months now and I'm finally taking a break. Two weeks holiday it's going to be great. We are taking the girls to Bali for a week and then I will be home for a week. I am looking forward to it so very much.

I'm trying to work on my frustrations, for me it's a constant task, related in many ways to my impatience with circumstances and yes people. I have set myself some goals and I have to believe that these things that consume me, my passions will pay off one day.

My family are awesome, I wouldn't have it any other way. I look at the young guys I work with and don't at all miss the dating and club scene. Sure it would be nice to be able to make spontaneous decisions like going out with my hubby but it's a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things. Besides at least when I'm stuck at home I can get my butt into gear and get some work done. (Except when I don't)

Sure I still daydream about being in the movies or at least one movie, and it's not a dead dream because I'm not dead yet. I will get there one day, especially if passion and perseverance have anything to do with it.

You may knock me down but the only one who can stop me getting up and trying again is myself.

Thank you to those who have blessed me with kind words. Thank you to my family who put up with all my eccentricities and moods. Thank you God for allowing me to create. And thank you that I have the ability to get back up again after being slapped down.

Some times I think we need to step back and evaluate ourselves, some times we need to take a moment to look closely at ourselves and say, 'you know what I believe in me.'

Do yourself a favour, you allowed me to indulge and I suggest you now do the same. Today is a good day to be thankful and it is a good day to believe in yourself.

You can do it.

Words of Encouragement

If you read my blog on a regular basis you will know I have certain hang-ups and one is my struggle with church.

Someone who has known me for a while and has been involved in ministry said to my hubby that they understand why I struggle to fit in. I cannot tell you how much of a relief hearing those words was. Those simple words gave me the gift of realising that maybe I'm not losing it. Maybe my frustrations are valid and maybe just maybe I do still hear from God.

Of course I realise this doesn't make everything alright, I still have the same character flaws that I had yesterday but it gives me the strength to keep questioning and pushing and not giving up. Somehow that feels like a good thing.

Easter and Communion

I finally got around to doing something I’d been meaning to for a while. I watched The Passion of The Christ. I figured it was a good time to do so being as it’s the Easter weekend.

Also given my increasing dissatisfaction with organised religion – it was interesting to watch it through my somewhat jaded eyes.

Was it emotional – Yes. How could you watch someone, even in a movie, go through so much and not be moved?

Yes there were things I didn’t necessarily like or agree with, but then no-one this side of heaven knows exactly what happened that day. Anything else is in some form conjecture.

As it stands the film did for me what I suspect it did for many; it reminded me of the sheer bloody magnitude of the cost Christ paid for my life. Some may never really have been aware of it and others of us just do well to be reminded of it.

All this ties in well with thoughts I have been having about communion. I don’t feel we give it the gravitas that it should have. Jesus set communion in place to remind us of his sacrifice and for me recently, it has felt just part of the service, something we do every other week fitted in between the worship service and church news.

If necessary watch the film again. See the bloody pulp his body was made into – injuries it would be incredibly unlikely someone would survive from. Leather or rods snapping against and into the skin, metal digging in and tearing. This is the body we are commissioned to remember; that blood dripping and pooling on the ground is the blood that was shed for us, sprayed over and soaking into the earth.

We take communion like it was at the last supper, not as we should, remembering the events of the dark day that followed where Jesus stepped up and put himself in my place. From the comfort of the upper room hearing the words but not really understanding rather than the foot of the cross as the torn and bloody flesh was secured to the wood and the blood dripped it’s way to the ground.

I have become so shallow, despite my declaration that I’ll still love God even if He does nothing else for me. I still believe but my faith has become something of a side note. I don’t mean that I no longer put it in people’s faces, I never did that, it’s more that it is there when I can be bothered. It is tied too much to what I have problems with and not enough to the man whose death tore the temple of organised religion in two.

Christ rose from His tomb and that is what we remember on this day, so likewise as I face a new day I will bend my knee and life my eyes to the throne, acknowledging my unworthiness and my gratefulness.

What a Week

Well it's been quite a week. Yes we had a storm and yes our house was partially flooded, but really it was and is an inconvenience rather than the national disaster some are claiming. A couple of rooms are still drying out 7 days later. You only need to look at Chile or Haiti to see real disasters.

So my week has included: a house getting flooded and no internal electricity for the better part of two days; trying to get real estate agents to act - which they still haven't done; a trip to the hospital for a regular check up for our eldest; a visit to our travel agent to pick up our holiday tickets; visit and dinner with friends; trying to find some plays that interest me; and still I managed to fit a bit or writing in, not enough to have a blog of substance this week, I'll be aiming for that this week.

Disappointment

‘God will not disappoint you’. These words were said in church last week and my initial reaction was the thought ‘but he’s disappointed me’.

This now means I feel the need to breakdown that statement and my reaction.

Firstly I’m not sure it actually says anywhere in the Bible that God won’t disappoint us.

In fact I’m sure there is rather a lot about the way being narrow, with valleys and tough times. To really gain an understanding we need to start by looking at what disappoint means, so from my Collins dictionary we get :

a) a) to fail to meet the expectations, hopes, etc of; let down

b) b) to prevent the fulfilment of (a plan etc); frustrate

This ties in to my entry two weeks ago on expectations.

A blanket statement such as the one I opened with is only asking for trouble – in my opinion, simply because God’s way isn’t our way. Therefore unless we are totally in God’s will when we expect, then there is every chance we will be disappointed more than once. Every time God’s answer is no it’s fairly likely we will experience disappointment because at it’s foundation disappointment is an emotion, it’s how we feel when we don’t get our own way.

I believe it’s far more important to be able to move past disappointment than expect a life with no disappointment. Life happens and for most of us we don’t always get our own way. Not even the disciples and leaders of the early church lived lives with no disappointment.

Rather than think God will never disappoint us we would be better off remembering that He won’t let things come to us that we won’t be able to handle (with His help). The Bible tells us the way is narrow; though they may not be heavy there is a yolk and burden in following God, and even the 23 Psalm says there will be times we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, any one who thinks that means it’s all going to be easy isn’t thinking it through.

Interesting Week

Well this has been an interesting week. I had an audition I thought went fairly well, but then the director didn’t bother to let me know what he’d decided, now you don’t necessarily expect to hear from some directors but when they assure you they will then well nothing…so needless to say I got annoyed and a little bit down. Someone once told me if I can’t handle rejection then I should not be involved in performance. He was right, and in my head I know I can do this but sometimes when junk like this happens and I know I did a better audition than the girl who was cast and I am actually the right age not 10 or so years too young, then I doubt.

When I doubt I get down and this time my hubby got in touch with some people and told them I was doubting my ability and they got in touch to kick my ass for being stupid and letting some director get to me. I have great friends, friends I know support me and will no doubt tell me if I suck, but they knew I was struggling and they took the time to check on me. Now that is friendship.

So I made some decisions, we’ve booked our holiday tickets and I’ve came up with an idea for another novel. Then there is also the fantasy story I’m working on. So lots going on even if it wasn’t all what I thought it would be.

I have great friends and a man who understands me. It’s all pretty good really.

Expectations

I was reading a friends blog the other day. She had recently been to Israel and one of the things she mentioned in passing was that she had expected Jesus to touch her heart when she went to the Via Delorosa and it didn’t happen. Before I go further I’d like to add that I don’t think she did anything wrong and I’m not criticising her in any way, she was simply writing what she felt and in fact if anything, her words broke through a barrier I’ve been struggling with, so thank you for your honesty.

Anyway it got me thinking, as things sometimes do. Do we expect the wrong things from God? I don’t think this is a case of expecting too much, what could be too much for the God who can raise the dead and create life? I am however fairly convinced that we expect wrong. I know it doesn’t sound like very good English but it’s the best way to put it.

For those who have been to a charismatic or Pentecostal church in the last – however many years, you will be familiar with the ‘name it claim it’ teaching, which, from what I can gather basically stems from a couple of verses – ‘Ask and you shall receive’ (Lk 11: 9a & 10a) and; ‘You do not have because you do not ask God.’ (James 4:2)

The thing is I wonder if we’ve begun to treat or expect faith to work this way. Do we expect God to work our way on our timetable? I know I’ve been guilty of this. In fact even though I try not to be I know I still am. I’m convinced God created me with the gifts of acting and writing yet no door to lifestyle security has been opened that way and for those keeping track no door to creative satisfaction has been opened through the church either (though if I’m honest I’ve pretty much given up looking for that). More than anything there are times this confuses and frustrates me, still I keep going and I wonder if, in some way, that isn’t the point.

No where in the Bible do I recall (though tonight is the first time in a long time that I’ve picked mine up) are we told that if we believe in God he will do it all for us. So to this end I question how much damage the ‘name it claim it’ theology has done. How lazy, how complacent have we become? It doesn’t even require much effort or study to see the error in it. In fact just read a little longer.

When you ask you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives… James 4:3

Hmmm…I don’t recall much focus on motives when we are told to ask and God will provide.

So I say unto you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened. Luke 11:9&10

Yes asking is part of the process (but have you weighed up your motives before asking? We don’t really like to think about those do we?) but it doesn’t end there. There are in fact three very clear steps : ask; seek; knock. And hear I’m going to say something I’m sure I haven’t heard from a church – Just asking and receiving an answer doesn’t mean you’ll end up with whatever you want in your hands.

For example: Dear God can I please have 10 million dollars? God – Yes. Okay so I’ve asked and He has answered, yet the money is still not in my hands.

Could this be because I haven’t made the effort to seek it out. I haven’t worked towards the goal. Neither have I actually knocked on the door to opportunity so it can be opened and I can put the money in my bank account or under the bed if you feel that’s safer.

We expect God to do for us and yet we don’t want to do anything to get for ourselves. We may do well to remember some of the verses in the Bible that provide balance and caution in regards to this dangerous teaching.

We were taught to pray : ‘Your will be done’ – Matt 6:10a

Jesus prayed before dying : ‘Yet not as I will but as you will’ – Matt 26:39a

‘Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive. – 1 Cor 10:23

Yes asking is important, I’m not saying we shouldn’t ask. Asking acknowledges a need and opens the door to possibilities. It is, however, not our sole responsibility. We have to be proactive in pursuit. Remember only one of the three can be achieved by sitting on our butts, in a corner, with our eyes closed and hands held together, in the five seconds we allocate to God in a day. Seeking and knocking, well they require us to put some time, thought and effort into it.