A Little Brighter

I want to thank those who offer their encouragement and support, you know who you are and I am incredibly grateful that you are in my life.

I still wish I didn't have to fight so hard for what I want, but now I am refreshed a little and able to face it with at least a bit of a smile on my face. Though with the weather heating up I'm not so sure my smiling will last if I keep up my running.

I am content to say I believe and yet I struggle. This in no way makes me unique I know this I also know that sometimes its hard to see a way out when you feel so stuck in the darkness. It just takes a little while sometimes to realise that the darkness isn't complete and doesn't mean I'm swamped in evil. Just a little down.

This week has been something I really needed, a week off work. It's no secret that work and I aren't on the best of terms at the moment and to be honest this has been a great week one I wish I could continue in. I know everyone feels that way after time off. It's not so much that I long to stay home and game or do nothing, rather that I wish I could stay home and write. More than anything I know in my heart that this is my passion and what I am meant to do. So I will persevere. I'm pretty good at that, and trust in the knowledge that one day...

Till then I will believe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Now For Something Deeper

I started a blog a bit ago about this woman in her 30's who died while car surfing. Stupid thing to do yes. Even more stupid when you consider she was doing it on a car driven by an unlicensed 16 year old, and the woman's kids were in the car. So in short what kind of idiot does that? I'm sorry it's sad for her kids to have seen that but what was she thinking?

Moving on now because I know I could go on about not acting your age or being responsible for your actions and their consequences but what would be the point, I'd probably be preaching to the converted. So to other matters.

I think I had an epiphany of sorts this week. It's been a really tough time recently. And before you say anything like 'well it's coz you're not going to church', I'd like to stop you and say this toughness is no different to when we were. We got ripped off this week as well as everything else. Though usually when we take a step forward something happens with the car so this at least was a new twist.

I've been thinking a lot about my faith. I sometimes miss church but to be honest I really love being able to relax and do nothing with my mornings on the weekend.

I talk to God everyday, and to be honest there are days I'm not sure he listens, because it really feels as though nearly every prayer I've prayed has been unanswered or answered no. So where does this leave me?

I shouldn't just believe because I expect something in return I have blogged about that before. I believe there is a God and he created me. I believe he is capable of performing miracles but I don't believe he can be bothered doing one for me.

This was my epiphany. I believe he can, I just don't think he will for me. Interesting isn't it? I have been obedient and had it shoved in my face. Hubby had been obedient and things have gotten harder.

It was simpler when rent wasn't so high and we didn't have to think about the girls because I always have their interests, needs and wants in the back of my mind.

When hubby was fully into worship and playing conferences and stuff it was less stressful, not because our circumstances were much better but because we had less responsibility.

I am sick of taking one step forward and being shoved three steps backwards. And yes that is how it feels. I write what I believe God has put in me to write and what happens, someone tries to rip me off and then nothing. We believe for what we feel God has put in our hearts to believe for and we end up in the red. The guys start work on a worship album and we get ripped off.

I'm tired. That's what this all boils down to. I'm so tired. God said to rest in him and that's fine but when I don't believe he will really provide for MY family I absolutely can't stop. I know he can and does for others. I've believed for it and seen it. But with the stuff some of our closest friends are going through and they have been incredibly faithful, and with what we've been through, I'm really struggling with being able to trust that God has my best interests at heart.

I am so tired.

In Brief

It's so very hard to get motivated at the moment. I have a half finished blog that I will hopefully post during the week sometime but to be honest I'm tired of trying and pushing and making the effort.

Friday contained a conversation with my boss where he told me I ought to spend some time considering my options because I'd lost my sparkle. Which is my fault of course and nothing to do with the fact we don't see bugger all books anymore. I'm unashamedly a book person, not a toy person and I don't think they like the fact that I don't appreciate having my kids book section ripped to pieces to make way for crappy toys.

So I daydreamed and even real dreamed about starting my own book store, shopped for a good location and bought a lotto ticket. (You have to wonder when your boss suggests that that's what you should do). Then I went out with a girlfriend and we polished off a bottle of wine and sat through a very silly but hugely fun action pic RED.

The perfect remedy to a crappy week.

I guess I didn't get back to being serious yet.

Week From Hell

To be honest this has been one hell of a week. The YA novel I'm working on deals with some painful issues such as self harm and so I'm in a rough head space so it's not a good time for things at work to be going all to hell.

Now I knew we would be getting toys, didn't like the idea but head office do so I knew there was nothing I could do about that. What I didn't realise at the the time was that my book lines would be getting cut in half. I'm a book person, I've made no secret about that but when I have to keep shrinking my book shelves and replacing entire bays with toys I can't help but see the end.

It all came to a head this week when I was left rather an abrupt note outlining what I needed to do, don't put toys in characters sections, don't have clocks in three places (though as yet we don't have a clock section) and so on. Actually I had two notes the first had such insulting things on it like if new toys come in fill up the gaps in the toy bay. Sadly I have to admit that the second note and instructions to put some toys on clip strips running down the walls pushed me over the edge, I went out the back and cried.

Seriously I cried. Now my personal choice would have been to scream, rant, swear and hit things, but Andy isn't there any more so those choices are no longer really an option. I was a bit disappointed with myself for crying over work, seriously what grown woman should be doing that? Admittedly one with a history of anger management problems and self-harm issues, but still.

Here's the thing though, and it wasn't till I'd ripped a few colleagues heads off that it came to me. I put my heart into building up that section and now they were pulling the heart out of it. I just need to keep reminding myself that what I have is simply a retail job and it pays my bills. Somehow I have to figure out how to not care about my work.

Church Family

I have been thinking a bit about church. Recently we visited one we used to go to regularly. We'd left there on okay terms but we'd left because they'd wanted us to do things we just didn't want to. In a way this has influenced my church involvement since. I admit to having a very wide stubborn streak and I question quite a lot. One of the questions that gets asked repeatedly is 'why do I have to do it your way?'

So I wonder were is the line between rebellion and not wanting to be too religious (what's the word they used to describe the pharisees - nope can't think of it so strictly religious will have to do)?

Anyway I haven't figured that one out yet, and i just don't want to be trapped in a box, yet when I say no it's like 'oh well you obviously aren't a very good christian'. You know what I'm not but I do try.

Anyway, back to visiting our old church. We were warmly welcomed and while sitting in the service I realised it felt like home and church hasn't felt that way for me in a very long time. Here's the thing about home though it's not without it's problems. You go and visit your parents and it feels like home but it comes fully equipped with disagreements, arguments and varying points of view. Home isn't always full of people who agree and like each other but it is still home.

Maybe this is a key I've never fully realised. Oh sure I've understood that we are all created differently, I guess I just thought we should accept the difference better or something. If we truly are family though that changes things a little. We may not always get along or do things the same way but blood is still blood and we are all purchased with the shed blood of Christ and that should trump circumstances any day of the week.

Strange Week

It's been kind of a strange week for me. When I found out I didn't make the writers short list, so therefore no trip to Qld I thought I'd be a lot more disappointed. I don't know why I wasn't. Immediately I sent off two submissions and through myself into forging forward.

I have also been busy at work, not happily busy I have to say but busy keeps my mind occupied and means I don't have time to dwell on things. I had to pull 21 pages of book titles off my shelves for a 50% markdown. My line manager suggested I should be happy to be getting rid of my dead stock. Problem is not all of it is dead stock. My other concern is that I won't be sent books to fill my shelves but toys. This is a big problem for me. When I started it was a bookstore, now they want to be a gift store. An overpriced gift store. This isn't something I haven't said to my managers in one way or another. When I noticed an item had gone up by 20% in time for it to be placed on the promo poster for the holidays I expressed my disgust only to be told there was nothing I could do about it. I know that but I still had to let someone know what I thought.

Books I can sell, toys I have no interest in selling. A customer asked me the other day for a recommendation, I started going through my list when she said she didn't want a book she wanted a nicknack. my response was, "I have no idea, I'm a kid's book specialist I suggest you pick something the child will be interested in." I know that won't win me points with the company but I don't care. I was hired as a kids book specialist not a toy expert.

On top of all of that you can buy toys that are just as nice if not nicer down the post office for a lot less.

So bottom line life goes on and not always as we hope. Next time I'm sure I'll write something deeper. So till then have a good one.

Suicide

It seems this week that there have been an abundance of youth suicides. A sentence that never should be written. I can’t name them but Ellen mentions some here.

The issue I want to talk about isn’t sexuality, it’s bullying. If I’m really honest I have to admit I’ve struggled with the idea of killing yourself because of being bullied. Partly, no probably mostly because I was teased and picked on a lot at school. Though I remember school being hell at times and I’m sure there were times it bought me to tears, it never once entered my head to kill myself.

Suicide is not a new topic of interest for me. When I was 15 I knew a girl who had tried or at least thought about it. I remember being totally appalled with the fact that this girl had come back to the hostel after a weekend at home with fresh cut marks on both her wrists and one of the adult supervisors saw them and did nothing. When I was at uni I researched the topic for a news story and received a lot of grief from my lecturer in front of my peers, deriding my concerns and idea and asking if I was going to ‘tell people how to kill themselves’.

Like I said earlier I was bullied but I took refuge in books and more often than not the fact that I was smarter than those who teased me gave me the grounds to mentally dismiss what they said. Don’t get me wrong it all left it’s mark and contributed to my period of self-harm, these issues I deal with in greater depth here.

Recently a point I heard or read somewhere finally really registered with me. Bullying is different now. I used to dismiss this but when I think about it I realise it is true. It is much harder to get away from now. In my day it pretty much didn’t leave the playground. Now mobile phones, social networking and the internet all mean that it can be with you 24/7 and it can be there for all the world to see.

It makes me so angry and it breaks my heart.

I struggle to understand how we let go of responsibility so much that an issue like this can spin out of control and reach such epic proportions.

One thing I know is that that kind of brutal behaviour would never have been tolerated in my house. If either of my parents had ever found out I’d done something like that, there would have been hell to pay in one way or another.

I’m not about to say any one thing is to blame here. Yes children can be cruel. Yes they copy behaviour modelled for them. Yes adults don’t always model respect. There is a strong acceptance of the idea that ‘it’s not my fault’ for things such as drugs, alcoholism, domestic abuse and flat out other criminal activities. Added to this the prevailing thought that greed very well may be good.

Things need to change. Irrespective of colour, creed, race, religion, eye colour, sex or sexuality, it is time we started to stand for the fact that we are all people. Different yes but that makes us no less deserving of a little basic respect.

Please hear my prayer, my plea – if you are bullied you need to know that you are not alone and you are worth something. Words may seem cheap in the midst of what can be overwhelming and all encompassing emotions but there is love and support for you. There are networks and groups (To Write Love On Her Arm, is just one). And mostly there are survivors. There is light somewhere ahead, please hang on.

And if you need to hear that from someone else :

“We're all worried, we're all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and having ears. But just remember one thing - it can't get any worse, it can only get better. High school is the bottom, being a teenager sucks, but that's the point, surviving it is the whole point... So just hang on and hang in there.” Mark Hunter (Christian Slater) Pump Up The Volume (1990)