Hmmm...

Life has been busy.
I'd prefer it wasn't work busy, then again it's not exactly busy at work, it's just work - a way to waste 6 hours a day.
Last week though I mixed things up a little - I didn't have lunch rather I fasted that meal. Now fasting one meal a day may not mean much but here's what that added up to - 3 extra hours of prayer time and in a life where prayer time is well, just when ever, then I figure it's not a bad thing.
To be honest I only fasted because God dropped into my mind to do so and I didn't know what to expect from it. I have to say though it was a good experience, I was a little calmer and even though I was and am still frustrated about lack of certain things moving forward I do at the moment feel more hopeful for the future. And that can't be a bad thing.

Challenge Yourself

Over the last little while I have been involved with projects that challenge me in one way or another. Really in regards to one issue - body image.
I don't have the best body image. I'm short, I used to have pert boobs, no stretch marks and less weight across my butt, hips and stomach.
So what, you may say, you've had two kids.
Yes I have and so in some ways my body will never be the same. I can't afford a personal trainer or plastic surgery but I am exercising three or so times a week, which is something I started doing last year.
Any way back to challenging myself.
Two projects came my way around the same time.
The first was a one act play, set in a lypo-suction clinic and told the stories of 4 very different women who ended up there. This was confronting for me because at the end we strip down to our underwear in front of the whole audience. The other challenge for me was the character the director wanted me to play was the one who self harmed - if you've read some of my other posts you will know this is some thing I used to do. I decided that I found this scary - I have stretch marks for crying out loud. So I decided - mostly because a dear friend was directing, that I would face my fear and do this.
Then hot on the back of this casting I get a message from another friend/director asking me if I would be interested in doing a 'Calendar Girls' style calendar shoot to raise some money for a theatre. I choked - for those not familiar with the story or film, that means sans clothing. Naked. If the other one was scary then this terrified me. Now see there is one problem with being a personality type like mine. I see a fear in myself, and think about all the self image problems friends and young girls have and I say no, I will not let this fear rule me. I tell my girls appearance isn't everything and now here was my chance to stand up in my own way and say this is my body and so what if it's not modernly tiny and perfect but it's my body I mostly like it and I am beautiful. So I said yes and it scared the absolute crap out of me.
Now the photo shoot is done and we will soon see the finished product. Along the way it also became not about any money for the theatre, who backed out, but about raising money for ovarian cancer, we figured many knew about breast cancer and it's fundraising so we would do something less well advertised. It has gotten bigger than we were originally thinking. And while I see everyone else's pictures and think wow, and see mine and go mmm, I trust the photographer and the fact that we are all probably in some ways our toughest critics (or that may be just some of us).
And now I find myself being a genuine Miss July.
Some times you need to acknowledge your fears, face up to them, no matter how terrified you are of them and take that step forward.
Oh and yes I realise it's yet another thing that very well may count against me as far as my being a good christian girl goes, but this is important on so many levels.

Dear God

Dear God,
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen

My Big Busy Life

Big, bad, busy life.

Well not really bad. It's just very busy for me at the moment and sure it would have been much nicer if the agent my manuscript was with hadn't sent me a no but such is it. Anyway I'm doing pretty good. I don't think I wanted to work with that particular agent. Couldn't really tell you why just a feeling I've got.

Besides I've got so much going on at the mo what with work, the play, the calendar and the short film. Also there is something very possibly exciting that I can't talk about. Rest assured as soon as I can, if it ever gets to that point, then I will. Part of me is terrified of this thing I'm working on and part of me thrilled, excited and obsessed - just a little. Like I really have time to be obsessed.

Work is hard at the moment though. I'm struggling with the conservatism. The music is sleep inducing, the pace at which they tend to work is slow and I still think some of the things they do just don't make sense. My old job may have bugged me on occasion but the people I worked with made it worth it. I don't feel quite that way about this job. I don't know how long I will last at this, there are some good things - the free books for instance, but so often the ones I want don't get Advance Reading Copies handed out. Still sometimes it's the little things that make it worth it.

Performance in Church

This is one of the things I've really struggled with over the years. I love acting, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it but I hate church drama with a passion.

It took me a very long time to be willing to get up on a church stage again and once I do they then start doing the very things I disliked about it in the first place.

We hadn't been committed to going to our new church for very long when they announced the formation of a drama team.

To be honest I rolled my eyes and groaned. Mostly because I wondered how or why God would be doing this now when he knew how much I hated it. Then I had that internal debate about whether I should let them know I have experience in performing.

I decided not to get involved.

I know I was judging based on my previous experience but that's what I had to go on. Yes it is possible for the person to be given this position to have more experience and more talent than me. For them to have great ideas and wonderful execution. But I couldn't see that happening.

I didn't give it much thought after that.

Until last week.

The team got up to perform their first (of the first one I'd been there for) sketch. It started for me badly but I thought I'd try and stay. I didn't last and the whole thing wasn't much more than five minutes long.

I walked out feeling guilty about being disrespectful. After all they at least had gotten up there and I hadn't, so what right did I have to judge.

It made me wonder again though, why it is okay for people with heart but no skill to be involved in a drama team but they wouldn't be allowed as part of a music team.

Then again it could be a self perpetuating problem. The sketches are short, unchallenging and sometimes badly written and badly executed, so people with skill won't want to get involved, therefore the only way the team can get new blood is to invite people with heart.

Me I would be embarrassed to be seen to be doing those sketches. That's right I said it embarrassed and I would never invite my friends to come and see one. I laugh when people say it would be good for my acting friends to come and see these things.

I know I probably shouldn't admit to being embarrassed but it's the truth. To be reading your script or to explain the piece before performing are just things that shouldn't happen.

I felt guilty for walking out but my hubby wisely asked how I would have felt being involved in something like that. I replied by telling him I would have hated it. And that is the truth.

It's not so much about being embarrassed by God but by the poor use of something I love.

Yes I think drama could be a very powerful tool but I also don't see that happening because people aren't interested in trying different things. I have tried and the responses have been ranged from 'that sounds interesting' to 'interesting but not now' and being just ignored.

The thing is though, then I have to deal with the 'why aren't you using your skills for God in church?' questions or the idea that because I am a mother my best skill is helping out in kids church.

It makes me sad in a way but the performing I am doing at the moment is challenging and powerful and I am happy to be putting my time in there rather than for a church.

London

What do you say in a week that London burned? These youngsters claimed they were doing it to survive, and destroying places that wouldn't give them jobs. Firstly I wonder why they weren't hired? Then again I can't say I've stretched my mind to come up with ideas other than the obvious. It seems to me that destroying stuff, ripping tv's off the wall and stealing games consoles in no way constitute doing something to survive.

I realise in some ways I'm not in much of a position to comment, I have a games console and tv. Then again I work hard to make sure there is food on our table and clothes on our children's backs. I would never think it was my right to steal one just because I don't have one.

It makes me wonder. How could it not?

I work hard, I come home, do what I can to make sure I don't suck totally as a mother and then I pursue my passions - writing and performance.

How many of these people actually worked hard to achieve anything? It seems so many of them have these chips on their shoulders about how others owe them. Well while I'm in this annoyed frame of mind I will ask - Why? Why should I have to pay for your laziness? Why should I have to suffer and fear because you are selfish and yet again lazy?

People in other countries have to fight just to get water and avoid bullets, they wouldn't know what a playstation or x-box is. It makes me so sad that people have come to this. Yes life can be hard and in some cases unbelievably so but that doesn't give you the right to hurt and steal from others.

I wish we could teach some people to value life because they so obviously don't.

Be at peace this week my lovelies.

One Act

Okay so here's the deal, I used to self-harm. Cut myself, scratch myself and hit things. This isn't something I have done in a long time so why bring it up you may wonder. Well I have just started the rehearsal process for a one act play dealing with body image. That is to say that is what it is about on the surface but underneath it looks at a great deal of issues women go through, including self harm. Of course there are many forms of self harm but strangely the character I am playing is the one closest to my past. I didn't really think about it when I did the audition but now I am. I know I'm not held by those dark thoughts that had me in that dark place any more but with performing something so dark sometimes it can get under your skin. My biggest challenge over the next several weeks is going to be to make sure I remain separated from the dark. Truthfully I'm not all that concerned about falling back down that way, I have too many good friends and a wonderful family that won't let that happen. So I suppose then my biggest challenge is not to remain apart but instead bring life to a character that has the power to touch lives, in such a way that she is totally believable. I only hope I am up to this challenge.

There is always hope, in the darkest moments there is always hope.