At The End Of My Rope

I am a mother and I love being a mother. I love my girls and I love my husband, but right now I am at the end of my limit. I feel so bad because I have a very strong feeling to lock myself in my office away from everyone for a day or two. Okay admittedly the length of time varies but I at the moment I just wish everyone and everything would forget I existed, just for a while.

As a mother how do I cope with this? And is the desire to lock myself away really a problem? To answer the last first, yes. I know it is because I find myself snapping at my family. It’s not that the girls are even doing anything wrong (okay the youngest has taken to beating up the eldest, but she’s two so that explains that). They just want some of my undivided attention and really I should be grateful for their love rather than grumpy.

So I apologise for snapping and go and make a steering wheel for my eldest’s box car and know that balloon tennis really is quite fun. Whilst in the back of my mind I contemplate the wisdom of locking my bedroom door just so I can use the ensuite toilet in peace.

My 100th Post, A Little Audition Piece I Put Together...

A Funny Little Thing

Here’s a funny little thing. In my black funk of rejection I walk on to the train platform to head to work and there is a woman reading a book and inadvertently providing me with a lovely little rant blog. She dog-ears her pages. And we’re not talking little corners. These are big folds about a quarter of the way down the page.

You don’t do that!!!

ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

If anyone did that to one of my books I’d never lend to them again. I may never speak to them again. Well okay I probably wouldn’t go that far, but you feel me?

Ha, I feel better already.

Rejection

Rejection bites! I should know, I’m a double threat rejection magnet – I’m an actress and a writer. Let me tell you something, both these industries can be brutal.

Rejection isn’t something new in my life, so why am I choosing to write about it now? Well if you must know, I’ve been rejected on both fronts in two days. Yesterday I got a ‘thanks but no thanks’ e-mail from a literary agent (by no means my first), {this one said - As to your material I'm afraid I must pass -- I'm just not enthusiastic enough about the premise of your story to feel that I'd be the right agent for the project. Our agency represents a very full list of fiction writers and we must be highly selective in adding to it. I realize it is difficult to judge your potential from a query; nevertheless please know that I give serious attention to every letter, outline, and writing sample I receive.}

And today I found out I didn’t get a call back for a show I auditioned for. By no means do I expect a yes for every audition but I thought I did a pretty got job of it.

Anyway I’ve decided I shouldn’t check my e-mails before going to work.

So, now I’m down, bruised and trying to hold back the tears that threaten (hey I know it’s silly but I’m an emotional kinda girl), all because a couple of people didn’t see anything they could believe in, in my work. However as my man said : an audition is simply a job interview, and that is so true.

I guess I’m also pissed off because I allowed myself to hope. I gave myself permission to want and to believe, when part of my brain was saying – don’t be an idiot, when you get knocked back it will hurt more.

So I repeat, rejection bites! However life goes on and while I may be feeling the painful sting of it all now, I know I’ll get up, brush myself off, write again, audition again and hope again. I’ll hold fast to the words a director I worked with, once said to me, ‘You have the talent to do what ever you want.’ After all I know I’ll get there one day.

Stop and Take A Moment

Waiting and Time Wasting

Okay I’m more than a little pissed off. I couldn’t find my centrelink (welfare) form today – the last one I should have to hand in, or second last as I start work next week. No big deal I thought, go up to the counter and she’ll print one off, take about a minute, I’ll fill it out, another minute and hand it to her. Boy how wrong was I. Some woman came over to me and said I needed to go with her to register for self service, then I had to sit and wait for an appointment to do something I neither wanted nor needed. Now I’m wasting my time sitting on my butt while crappy morning infotv is on.

The system is a pain in the butt for those who aren’t trying to wrought it. As a result of incredible inefficiency I’m monumentally pissed off when I should already be out of here. The people in front of me were in the wrong line and if the woman at the counter hadn’t spent so much time on them – not that they seemed to listen or understand her, then I would be out of here.

I hate the bureaucracy of centrelink – sometimes I think they work it this way just to piss off those who need it for a time, or they think we’re all stupid and deserve to jump through pointless hoops. Maybe it’s that they need to justify the No. of people they have on staff and the time it takes to do everything.

A Reflection Of You