Temper, Temper

I am imperfect. This is really no surprise to anyone who knows me. I think like most people I have certain traits I need to work on again and again. For me one of these things is my temper. It became abundantly clear this week with a lot of crap going on at work that I need to work on myself again. Things are a mess and instead of just accepting it and doing the best I can in the given circumstance, I get really tense. I get fired up and I seem to blow that switch in my head that separates thoughts from what I say. I did that this week and hubby cautioned me to watch myself.

I need to take a step back and relearn how to prioritise the big picture rather than just my section of it. I need to relearn how to go off and take a few deep breaths and come back calmer. I need to remember that I can’t control everything no matter how much I may want to. Not that I want that much responsibility.

So here’s the thing. Some times there are things in our lives that we struggle or strive to overcome and there are times we think when we conquer it that we are done. We think we will only ever have to do that once, like a test in school, we pass so we never have to sit it again. Unfortunately this doesn’t seem to be the case. For me, and so I guess I’m assuming for others as well, there are things that we will have to work on for the rest of our lives. Addicts are an easily recognised example of this. Once an alcoholic always one, some are simply reformed and fighting everyday not to give back in to the temptation. There are some things though that can be more subtle, like my temper. I’ve gotten the better of it and calmed myself down and managed to handle things better more than once in my life and now, when I finally find a job I mostly enjoy and am pretty good at, stuff happens and I find myself where I was years ago telling myself to work on my control.

So this is just a heads up to not turn a blind eye to the things you’ve had victory over before, be vigilant and hopefully you will see the signs and be able to turn the situation around early on, unlike me.

When the Going Gets Tough

The last couple of weeks have been tough, emotionally. One day I came home from work and I’d been in the house for less than five minutes with the girls saying ‘mummy I want,’ ‘mummy can I’, ‘mummy…’ and I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor in front of the fridge in tears.

There’s just so much I want out of life, there’s so much I try to do and it seems that just when I start to smooth things out; the real estate agent gets on my case about rent I’d already paid but they’d lost, or work goes to crap because the powers that be…well who knows what they’re thinking, the mechanic makes excuses for why he didn’t do all the work he was supposed to.

It’s so hard to stay focussed and on target sometimes.

Then into all this I find out a close friend who has been faithful in doing what he believes God has told him to do even when it’s been tough, had a cancer removed from his bowel. They think they got it all.

And so I end up sitting on the floor of the shower, crying and pouring out all my frustration to God because I just don’t know what else to do. All I know is that I can’t be the only one who wonders why they try when things seem to fall into place for those who turn their backs on God.

I wonder and I question and I cry because I don’t know what else to do.

Faith The Size Of A Mustard Seed

God does things in spite of us. His ability to heal isn’t reliant on us. His ability to move mountains isn’t reliant on us. He has a plan we don’t always understand. I think this is the underlying message of the story of having faith the size of a mustard seed. We can question, struggle but if under it all we still believe. God can use that.

I have to believe that. I have to believe it because I believe in God, I believe he has a calling for me, I believe he cares, I believe he can open doors that need to be opened for me, yet I still struggle and question.

I believe I am on the right path when I tread the creative road, no matter how difficult it can be at times. I have to believe that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed or I have no way to continue to stand and try.

Thank You

I don’t experience depression like I used to. I used to spend many hours feeling bleak, down, stuck in the boggy quicksand trying to see where in my life there was value. If I were to let you go over my poetry from that period you would see some of it was incredibly…well depressing.

Now it’s kind of a different beast. It’s not as all encompassing, dragging me down for days at a time and I no longer try to hurt myself in an effort to relieve it. Though admittedly there are days I really wasn’t to hit something. I also know my life has value, I have an awesome family so how could I think otherwise.

So what is my problem you may wonder? Mostly I guess in one way or another you could classify it as self-doubt. I know what makes me happy. I know where my dreams and passions pull me, but I’m not even close to fruition and so I wonder. I doubt. I question. Why can’t I give up? Why do I think I can do these things? Am I a good enough writer? Can I actually act? And around the questions and doubts circle.

I sometimes watch something and wish I could be doing that. Other times I see someone on a screen and think their acting is terrible yet they get paid to do what I love so does that mean my acting is worse? Self-doubt, self pity, depression.

Fortunately it doesn’t often last very long because I know I can’t really give either of them up. I know, I’ve tried. Also I hold desperately onto the words of those who owe me nothing – the director who’s worked in the West End who said I have the ability; the theatre manager who said the show I wrote was good; the writing mentor who rang me up to tell me to keep writing because the only reason I didn’t get the mentorship was because there was someone who wrote in his genre and he felt he was better equipped to help them.

And all the people who have told me that my words have touched them.

Friends and family certainly help but I extend a gracious thankyou to those who have encouraged me without being invested in my mindset.

Grumpy Old Me

Here’s one that may prove I’m turning into a grumpy old woman.

I am so totally over the ungratefulness of some many, I’d say kids but are early 20’s technically kids? So anyway it’s not just one situation that has set me off but a whole heap. Kids living at home so long and expecting their parents to pick up the tab and pick up after them; others thinking it doesn’t matter if they get a job because there is always welfare; others hanging out in gangs taking what others have worked hard for.

I suppose there were several things that set me off.

Firstly the young man who worked hard and did a lot of charity work who then gets his head kicked in by a group of guys who wanted to rob his house…he may never function the same again. Then there was this guy who turned up to work looking like he was going to the beach, hung over the counter and asked if we were looking for staff…needless to say he got told even if we were he’d not be considered his; attitude, dress and lack of cv to say the least were unacceptable. His reply was well I was looking for somewhere fun to work and he pouted like my 6 year old. Finally there was this person about to turn 21 who put together a 6 page list for gift registry at Myer or someplace similar. Now excuse me but how frigging rude. I did of course ask if the girl and her family were loaded but apparently not.

What happened to being grateful for the gifts that people can afford? What happened to working for the stuff you want? Then there is the guy who said he had bills to pay so why should he have to pay for his entertainment? I’m not middle aged yet but if this is any indication then I seem to be well on my way to becoming a grumpy old woman so in conclusion – Harden Up Princess! You want stuff you work for it. I got my first job when I was like 10. And before you start pointing the finger at me I will say we get tax benefits because we earn below the low income tax threshold but at least we both do what we can, and we live within our means.

Just so you know sunshine, the world does not owe you! Grow Up!

Opportunities

How many opportunities do we miss because we are focussed on one day when?

It is such an easy trap to fall into, part of living in a materialistic society, there is just so much to want. And don’t you dare lay the blame for that at the feet of the advertisers. It’s our own greed and perceptions that lead us by the nose down this road.

For example we’d like to own our own house and so we still dream about that one day when. The thing is though, our idea of a house is sheer luxury to many because it includes more than one bathroom, a studio and a guest room. We very easily focus on what tangible things we have and say we will help charity when… I win lotto, I get a promotion, I have enough money to have everything I want.

Now small amounts of money is something I have a lot of experience with. I know it’s possible to survive on less than what you may think and we still have things that should be considered luxuries. I say this only because it may show to you that I know what I am about to suggest is possible. When you go food shopping if pasta or tins of soup or veg are on special add an extra one or two to your shopping, it could be as little as 2 or 3 dollars and after a month or two you will have enough to donate a food parcel to charity. When you go toy shopping and stumble across those awesome 70% discounts buy an extra one if you can and it’s a present for a kid in a shelter. These sort of things don’t need to be big or expensive, sometimes we convince ourselves that they do.

You can give more than you might think for 5 or 10 dollars, be creative and if you can get special deals for certain things then play to your strengths and find someway to donate that sort of gift. Then of course this is just talking about material things, there are plenty of other ways to help.

As much as the internet and computers are blamed for the demise of true interaction it’s anonymity does enable us to listen to those we might not otherwise be able to. It makes it possible for us to reach out to someone on the other side of the world and give them someone to confide in. There are chat groups for most things, find something you have experience with and find someone to listen to. For me it’s to do with self-harm, for you it could be eating disorders, miscarriage, abusive relationships, depression, there are so many possibilities and we all have experience in something.

Another option is to look at your skill set. Maybe you are a great cook so you could invite someone to dinner. Maybe you are good with money so you could give people pointers on budgeting. Once again the options are limited only by your own imagination and willingness.

We need to find confidence in who we are now, in this moment and in the things we have because only when we are equipped with that can we give it back out.

I got the idea for this blog from church so as I wrap up I’m going to include forgiveness, grace and mercy, with a note that as ephemeral as these things are we don’t always feel we’ve received them. Just because we don’t always feel something doesn’t mean we don’t have it. Sometimes we just haven’t acted on it. Not believing that God has forgiven you doesn’t mean it isn’t so. To give a more personal example, sometimes I don’t necessarily feel loved, but if I stop and think for two seconds I will remember that I am despite how down I feel. Sometimes it’s as simple (but not necessarily easy) as knowing something in your head and acting on it, then the feeling may come.

We need to stop wasting time looking for excuses of ‘I will when’…(I have something or feel something)…because quite honestly ‘when’ may never happen. In the meantime life still goes on and you are probably better off than others, if you could just take your eyes off yourself long enough to notice.

Relationships and Ultimatums

So I’ve been married for 12 years and have some very definite ideas about what makes a relationship work. I’ve also been thinking about some of the relationships around me, in light I suppose of the whole Tiger thing. I don’t know nor care how many women have stepped forward now but I keep coming back to this one thing, if he’s been with this many women how could he not think that one day it would come back and bite him on the butt. Seriously.

For me truth in a relationship is key. When my hubby struggles with certain things he tells me. When I nearly kissed a guy at work, I told him, when he kissed a girl after a gig he told me. Some things thrive in darkness and being honest about them sheds light in which they cannot prosper. Of course I can’t say what would have happened if Tiger had been honest the first time but it does make me wonder. I feel for his wife and little one.

Honesty isn’t the only think I’ve been thinking about as far as relationships go. I’ve also been considering the concept of choices. Not just the choice to cheat or not but the many choices we make that effect the dynamic of the partnership, because that is what a marriage or love relationship is.

What about the guy who asks his wife if she is okay to move from one side of a country to another for a promotion, she says no, he says too bad we’re going. Or the fiancée who believes her partner’s interest in music is merely a hobby not a passion he wants to pursue, so he stops, years pass and he hasn’t been able to get back into it and regrets it. Then there’s the wife who tells her hubby that once they have kids he has to stop playing in a band. How is it we say we love someone and often seem to lack the capacity to support their interests, passions or opinions?

Okay so for me moving from one side of a country to another or even moving country isn’t a terrible idea. I’ve already lived in another country and some of the things we’d like to pursue make me wonder if we would be better off elsewhere. So to be honest the fear that has some people clinging to that kind of familiar isn’t one I understand. Having said that I can’t imagine my hubby saying too bad we’re doing it, if I’ve said I really didn’t want to do it. It just wouldn’t be something either of us would consider.

The other two examples I admit make me want to scream. I simply couldn’t understand not supporting my husband’s passion. I can understand people not wanting to go out on the limb that we have because it can be a particularly treacherous place to be. It can be tough having people constantly say grow up and get a real job. It’s tough having to live week to week and very carefully balance your budget and give certain things up. Thing is when he’s in the zone it’s a great place to be, even though it hasn’t made us financially stable yet.

I wonder though if I have a better grasp of the creative because I am one. I see the drive and passion in others and don’t understand how their loved ones cannot support it. The flip side is that I need to be supported and believe me I’ve have been know to hit some crushing lows. I can cope with these because in my relationship I am free to be me and I know I’m not alone, I know my passion and interests are supported even though my writing has bought in less money than hubby’s music.

There is a second thing with the last. I don’t know how someone can make the leap that cutting someone off from the stress relief and ‘me time’ then also adding a child to the mix, is a good idea in anyone’s book. Heaven knows enough other stuff changes when you add kids and I know plenty of people actively involved in music and theatre that have kids. An ultimatum like that concerns me because I can see so many bad things it can lead to.

Maybe I’m just a pessimist and I don’t understand how these things can work in a relationship because it wouldn’t work for me. I believe in choices, looking at the big picture and finding a compromise that works for both parties. Have I ever used an ultimatum? Yes – it was ‘sort some stuff out now because I can’t keep doing it this way, or I’m taking the girls away for a while and you can sort it out with out us around.’ Needless to say I didn’t go anywhere, not because stuff got better immediately but because he finally realised just how hard a time I was having. That’s the thing about ultimatums, sometimes they need to have a little flex in them.