What a Week

Well it's been quite a week. Yes we had a storm and yes our house was partially flooded, but really it was and is an inconvenience rather than the national disaster some are claiming. A couple of rooms are still drying out 7 days later. You only need to look at Chile or Haiti to see real disasters.

So my week has included: a house getting flooded and no internal electricity for the better part of two days; trying to get real estate agents to act - which they still haven't done; a trip to the hospital for a regular check up for our eldest; a visit to our travel agent to pick up our holiday tickets; visit and dinner with friends; trying to find some plays that interest me; and still I managed to fit a bit or writing in, not enough to have a blog of substance this week, I'll be aiming for that this week.

Disappointment

‘God will not disappoint you’. These words were said in church last week and my initial reaction was the thought ‘but he’s disappointed me’.

This now means I feel the need to breakdown that statement and my reaction.

Firstly I’m not sure it actually says anywhere in the Bible that God won’t disappoint us.

In fact I’m sure there is rather a lot about the way being narrow, with valleys and tough times. To really gain an understanding we need to start by looking at what disappoint means, so from my Collins dictionary we get :

a) a) to fail to meet the expectations, hopes, etc of; let down

b) b) to prevent the fulfilment of (a plan etc); frustrate

This ties in to my entry two weeks ago on expectations.

A blanket statement such as the one I opened with is only asking for trouble – in my opinion, simply because God’s way isn’t our way. Therefore unless we are totally in God’s will when we expect, then there is every chance we will be disappointed more than once. Every time God’s answer is no it’s fairly likely we will experience disappointment because at it’s foundation disappointment is an emotion, it’s how we feel when we don’t get our own way.

I believe it’s far more important to be able to move past disappointment than expect a life with no disappointment. Life happens and for most of us we don’t always get our own way. Not even the disciples and leaders of the early church lived lives with no disappointment.

Rather than think God will never disappoint us we would be better off remembering that He won’t let things come to us that we won’t be able to handle (with His help). The Bible tells us the way is narrow; though they may not be heavy there is a yolk and burden in following God, and even the 23 Psalm says there will be times we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, any one who thinks that means it’s all going to be easy isn’t thinking it through.

Interesting Week

Well this has been an interesting week. I had an audition I thought went fairly well, but then the director didn’t bother to let me know what he’d decided, now you don’t necessarily expect to hear from some directors but when they assure you they will then well nothing…so needless to say I got annoyed and a little bit down. Someone once told me if I can’t handle rejection then I should not be involved in performance. He was right, and in my head I know I can do this but sometimes when junk like this happens and I know I did a better audition than the girl who was cast and I am actually the right age not 10 or so years too young, then I doubt.

When I doubt I get down and this time my hubby got in touch with some people and told them I was doubting my ability and they got in touch to kick my ass for being stupid and letting some director get to me. I have great friends, friends I know support me and will no doubt tell me if I suck, but they knew I was struggling and they took the time to check on me. Now that is friendship.

So I made some decisions, we’ve booked our holiday tickets and I’ve came up with an idea for another novel. Then there is also the fantasy story I’m working on. So lots going on even if it wasn’t all what I thought it would be.

I have great friends and a man who understands me. It’s all pretty good really.

Expectations

I was reading a friends blog the other day. She had recently been to Israel and one of the things she mentioned in passing was that she had expected Jesus to touch her heart when she went to the Via Delorosa and it didn’t happen. Before I go further I’d like to add that I don’t think she did anything wrong and I’m not criticising her in any way, she was simply writing what she felt and in fact if anything, her words broke through a barrier I’ve been struggling with, so thank you for your honesty.

Anyway it got me thinking, as things sometimes do. Do we expect the wrong things from God? I don’t think this is a case of expecting too much, what could be too much for the God who can raise the dead and create life? I am however fairly convinced that we expect wrong. I know it doesn’t sound like very good English but it’s the best way to put it.

For those who have been to a charismatic or Pentecostal church in the last – however many years, you will be familiar with the ‘name it claim it’ teaching, which, from what I can gather basically stems from a couple of verses – ‘Ask and you shall receive’ (Lk 11: 9a & 10a) and; ‘You do not have because you do not ask God.’ (James 4:2)

The thing is I wonder if we’ve begun to treat or expect faith to work this way. Do we expect God to work our way on our timetable? I know I’ve been guilty of this. In fact even though I try not to be I know I still am. I’m convinced God created me with the gifts of acting and writing yet no door to lifestyle security has been opened that way and for those keeping track no door to creative satisfaction has been opened through the church either (though if I’m honest I’ve pretty much given up looking for that). More than anything there are times this confuses and frustrates me, still I keep going and I wonder if, in some way, that isn’t the point.

No where in the Bible do I recall (though tonight is the first time in a long time that I’ve picked mine up) are we told that if we believe in God he will do it all for us. So to this end I question how much damage the ‘name it claim it’ theology has done. How lazy, how complacent have we become? It doesn’t even require much effort or study to see the error in it. In fact just read a little longer.

When you ask you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives… James 4:3

Hmmm…I don’t recall much focus on motives when we are told to ask and God will provide.

So I say unto you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened. Luke 11:9&10

Yes asking is part of the process (but have you weighed up your motives before asking? We don’t really like to think about those do we?) but it doesn’t end there. There are in fact three very clear steps : ask; seek; knock. And hear I’m going to say something I’m sure I haven’t heard from a church – Just asking and receiving an answer doesn’t mean you’ll end up with whatever you want in your hands.

For example: Dear God can I please have 10 million dollars? God – Yes. Okay so I’ve asked and He has answered, yet the money is still not in my hands.

Could this be because I haven’t made the effort to seek it out. I haven’t worked towards the goal. Neither have I actually knocked on the door to opportunity so it can be opened and I can put the money in my bank account or under the bed if you feel that’s safer.

We expect God to do for us and yet we don’t want to do anything to get for ourselves. We may do well to remember some of the verses in the Bible that provide balance and caution in regards to this dangerous teaching.

We were taught to pray : ‘Your will be done’ – Matt 6:10a

Jesus prayed before dying : ‘Yet not as I will but as you will’ – Matt 26:39a

‘Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive. – 1 Cor 10:23

Yes asking is important, I’m not saying we shouldn’t ask. Asking acknowledges a need and opens the door to possibilities. It is, however, not our sole responsibility. We have to be proactive in pursuit. Remember only one of the three can be achieved by sitting on our butts, in a corner, with our eyes closed and hands held together, in the five seconds we allocate to God in a day. Seeking and knocking, well they require us to put some time, thought and effort into it.

Temper, Temper

I am imperfect. This is really no surprise to anyone who knows me. I think like most people I have certain traits I need to work on again and again. For me one of these things is my temper. It became abundantly clear this week with a lot of crap going on at work that I need to work on myself again. Things are a mess and instead of just accepting it and doing the best I can in the given circumstance, I get really tense. I get fired up and I seem to blow that switch in my head that separates thoughts from what I say. I did that this week and hubby cautioned me to watch myself.

I need to take a step back and relearn how to prioritise the big picture rather than just my section of it. I need to relearn how to go off and take a few deep breaths and come back calmer. I need to remember that I can’t control everything no matter how much I may want to. Not that I want that much responsibility.

So here’s the thing. Some times there are things in our lives that we struggle or strive to overcome and there are times we think when we conquer it that we are done. We think we will only ever have to do that once, like a test in school, we pass so we never have to sit it again. Unfortunately this doesn’t seem to be the case. For me, and so I guess I’m assuming for others as well, there are things that we will have to work on for the rest of our lives. Addicts are an easily recognised example of this. Once an alcoholic always one, some are simply reformed and fighting everyday not to give back in to the temptation. There are some things though that can be more subtle, like my temper. I’ve gotten the better of it and calmed myself down and managed to handle things better more than once in my life and now, when I finally find a job I mostly enjoy and am pretty good at, stuff happens and I find myself where I was years ago telling myself to work on my control.

So this is just a heads up to not turn a blind eye to the things you’ve had victory over before, be vigilant and hopefully you will see the signs and be able to turn the situation around early on, unlike me.

When the Going Gets Tough

The last couple of weeks have been tough, emotionally. One day I came home from work and I’d been in the house for less than five minutes with the girls saying ‘mummy I want,’ ‘mummy can I’, ‘mummy…’ and I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor in front of the fridge in tears.

There’s just so much I want out of life, there’s so much I try to do and it seems that just when I start to smooth things out; the real estate agent gets on my case about rent I’d already paid but they’d lost, or work goes to crap because the powers that be…well who knows what they’re thinking, the mechanic makes excuses for why he didn’t do all the work he was supposed to.

It’s so hard to stay focussed and on target sometimes.

Then into all this I find out a close friend who has been faithful in doing what he believes God has told him to do even when it’s been tough, had a cancer removed from his bowel. They think they got it all.

And so I end up sitting on the floor of the shower, crying and pouring out all my frustration to God because I just don’t know what else to do. All I know is that I can’t be the only one who wonders why they try when things seem to fall into place for those who turn their backs on God.

I wonder and I question and I cry because I don’t know what else to do.

Faith The Size Of A Mustard Seed

God does things in spite of us. His ability to heal isn’t reliant on us. His ability to move mountains isn’t reliant on us. He has a plan we don’t always understand. I think this is the underlying message of the story of having faith the size of a mustard seed. We can question, struggle but if under it all we still believe. God can use that.

I have to believe that. I have to believe it because I believe in God, I believe he has a calling for me, I believe he cares, I believe he can open doors that need to be opened for me, yet I still struggle and question.

I believe I am on the right path when I tread the creative road, no matter how difficult it can be at times. I have to believe that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed or I have no way to continue to stand and try.