Dear God

Dear God,
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen

My Big Busy Life

Big, bad, busy life.

Well not really bad. It's just very busy for me at the moment and sure it would have been much nicer if the agent my manuscript was with hadn't sent me a no but such is it. Anyway I'm doing pretty good. I don't think I wanted to work with that particular agent. Couldn't really tell you why just a feeling I've got.

Besides I've got so much going on at the mo what with work, the play, the calendar and the short film. Also there is something very possibly exciting that I can't talk about. Rest assured as soon as I can, if it ever gets to that point, then I will. Part of me is terrified of this thing I'm working on and part of me thrilled, excited and obsessed - just a little. Like I really have time to be obsessed.

Work is hard at the moment though. I'm struggling with the conservatism. The music is sleep inducing, the pace at which they tend to work is slow and I still think some of the things they do just don't make sense. My old job may have bugged me on occasion but the people I worked with made it worth it. I don't feel quite that way about this job. I don't know how long I will last at this, there are some good things - the free books for instance, but so often the ones I want don't get Advance Reading Copies handed out. Still sometimes it's the little things that make it worth it.

Performance in Church

This is one of the things I've really struggled with over the years. I love acting, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it but I hate church drama with a passion.

It took me a very long time to be willing to get up on a church stage again and once I do they then start doing the very things I disliked about it in the first place.

We hadn't been committed to going to our new church for very long when they announced the formation of a drama team.

To be honest I rolled my eyes and groaned. Mostly because I wondered how or why God would be doing this now when he knew how much I hated it. Then I had that internal debate about whether I should let them know I have experience in performing.

I decided not to get involved.

I know I was judging based on my previous experience but that's what I had to go on. Yes it is possible for the person to be given this position to have more experience and more talent than me. For them to have great ideas and wonderful execution. But I couldn't see that happening.

I didn't give it much thought after that.

Until last week.

The team got up to perform their first (of the first one I'd been there for) sketch. It started for me badly but I thought I'd try and stay. I didn't last and the whole thing wasn't much more than five minutes long.

I walked out feeling guilty about being disrespectful. After all they at least had gotten up there and I hadn't, so what right did I have to judge.

It made me wonder again though, why it is okay for people with heart but no skill to be involved in a drama team but they wouldn't be allowed as part of a music team.

Then again it could be a self perpetuating problem. The sketches are short, unchallenging and sometimes badly written and badly executed, so people with skill won't want to get involved, therefore the only way the team can get new blood is to invite people with heart.

Me I would be embarrassed to be seen to be doing those sketches. That's right I said it embarrassed and I would never invite my friends to come and see one. I laugh when people say it would be good for my acting friends to come and see these things.

I know I probably shouldn't admit to being embarrassed but it's the truth. To be reading your script or to explain the piece before performing are just things that shouldn't happen.

I felt guilty for walking out but my hubby wisely asked how I would have felt being involved in something like that. I replied by telling him I would have hated it. And that is the truth.

It's not so much about being embarrassed by God but by the poor use of something I love.

Yes I think drama could be a very powerful tool but I also don't see that happening because people aren't interested in trying different things. I have tried and the responses have been ranged from 'that sounds interesting' to 'interesting but not now' and being just ignored.

The thing is though, then I have to deal with the 'why aren't you using your skills for God in church?' questions or the idea that because I am a mother my best skill is helping out in kids church.

It makes me sad in a way but the performing I am doing at the moment is challenging and powerful and I am happy to be putting my time in there rather than for a church.

London

What do you say in a week that London burned? These youngsters claimed they were doing it to survive, and destroying places that wouldn't give them jobs. Firstly I wonder why they weren't hired? Then again I can't say I've stretched my mind to come up with ideas other than the obvious. It seems to me that destroying stuff, ripping tv's off the wall and stealing games consoles in no way constitute doing something to survive.

I realise in some ways I'm not in much of a position to comment, I have a games console and tv. Then again I work hard to make sure there is food on our table and clothes on our children's backs. I would never think it was my right to steal one just because I don't have one.

It makes me wonder. How could it not?

I work hard, I come home, do what I can to make sure I don't suck totally as a mother and then I pursue my passions - writing and performance.

How many of these people actually worked hard to achieve anything? It seems so many of them have these chips on their shoulders about how others owe them. Well while I'm in this annoyed frame of mind I will ask - Why? Why should I have to pay for your laziness? Why should I have to suffer and fear because you are selfish and yet again lazy?

People in other countries have to fight just to get water and avoid bullets, they wouldn't know what a playstation or x-box is. It makes me so sad that people have come to this. Yes life can be hard and in some cases unbelievably so but that doesn't give you the right to hurt and steal from others.

I wish we could teach some people to value life because they so obviously don't.

Be at peace this week my lovelies.

One Act

Okay so here's the deal, I used to self-harm. Cut myself, scratch myself and hit things. This isn't something I have done in a long time so why bring it up you may wonder. Well I have just started the rehearsal process for a one act play dealing with body image. That is to say that is what it is about on the surface but underneath it looks at a great deal of issues women go through, including self harm. Of course there are many forms of self harm but strangely the character I am playing is the one closest to my past. I didn't really think about it when I did the audition but now I am. I know I'm not held by those dark thoughts that had me in that dark place any more but with performing something so dark sometimes it can get under your skin. My biggest challenge over the next several weeks is going to be to make sure I remain separated from the dark. Truthfully I'm not all that concerned about falling back down that way, I have too many good friends and a wonderful family that won't let that happen. So I suppose then my biggest challenge is not to remain apart but instead bring life to a character that has the power to touch lives, in such a way that she is totally believable. I only hope I am up to this challenge.

There is always hope, in the darkest moments there is always hope.

If Just One Person's Life...

I've been doing a bit of thinking recently, actually I usually do quite a bit of thinking. Anyway, I was speaking to someone recently who said that she was glad we accepted her at a time she had a few problems, even though as christians we probably shouldn't have. My response was to shrug and say I wasn't much of one for following rules. It didn't make sense to her that someone from my background would be willing to accept someone from her background.

So this is what got me thinking. I never really was concerned about whether I should or shouldn't be friends with this person. I knew I didn't agree with a lot of what she did but so, I was prepared to open up a little and so was she (the crossover for us was our children's friendship). It occurred to me while I was running today, and praying, that if my life can open up new possibilities to just one person then maybe things I've gone through aren't just a pain in my butt and a frustrating waste of time. Now this person isn't about to start going to church, and even I have trouble doing that, but she doesn't only think negative things about my kind of faith. Surely this is preaching by living.

Believe me when I say I don't use that phrase lightly, I do understand the weight behind it, I just wonder if the weight we've given it is the wrong sort. My thoughts on that concept have usually veered towards the idea that people will be attracted to the goodness and shining example of God that 'should' be in any good christian's life. Maybe the focus should instead be on living in a way that you can meet people where they are. Maybe allowing them to see the struggles and problems is just as important. Life for most people isn't smooth. For a lot it is a struggle in many different ways and sometimes I think as Christians we hide behind the idea that 'God will fix it' so we shouldn't tell others about it and shouldn't complain. This though is a facade we hide behind and it's very possible it is doing more damage than good.

I know this is kind of an unformed idea but for a very long time I have been hung up on this idea that to be a Christian I need to be the kind of people others (church goers) expect me to be and I have a lot of trouble being that person. However the type of person I am has opened up my friends heart and that can't be a bad thing.

End of an Era - Trying of Patience

These last few weeks have been fairly terrible at work. I probably shouldn't have agreed to stick it out to the end. I'm not the sort of person who tolerates stupidity easily and for the record things like "can you tell me how much this is?" followed by them wanting me to work our what 20% off $20 is, is something I consider stupid. And there has been a lot of stupid over the last how ever many weeks the store was closing. (FYI we shut the doors on friday just gone). I also consider "is everything on sale?" a stupid question when there are signs everywhere saying 'everything is on sale'.

Also I happen to think it's rude to expect me to tell you what I will be doing when the store closes, especially when I've never seen you before. I have little patience for small talk with strangers at the best of times. I wonder how it became polite to ask complete strangers 'How are you doing today?' when you really couldn't give a toss. All you really want is to hear the words 'good and you?'. Then they get annoyed when I don't answer them.

Just when I think I may be doing better with my patience issues, something like this comes along and reminds me that I really can be a very prickly, short tempered person. Oh well I suppose it is always good to remind ourselves that we aren't perfect. Bring on working at an actual bookstore.