My girls are very precious to me and I am trying very hard to make sure they grow up with healthy self-esteems. This may seem like an easy task, to which I would respond sadly with the comment, that you obviously don't have girls. This world we live in is still very male-centric for all we say we have come forward in our thinking and attitudes. Let's face it we shouldn't need to have a white ribbon day where man vow not to abuse, in any way, women.
Now my girls don't have barbies and I prefer Dora as a role model, I don't wear much make up, or fuss muchly about clothes and appearance. I also prefer Keladry of Mindelan to Bella Swan (look it up). I am more about doing it than having it done for me. Ye despite me thinking that this would be a good grounding for them, I still face this problem.
Every week I find times to tell them that they are beautiful no matter what they wear, or it's important to be a good person not just pretty, or that they don't need someone else (a man) to rescue them, or variations on these themes.
My eldest has had several boys chasing her which at her age means flowers - real, letters scratched into a cement verge, and a written letter of proposal - (NB she is 8). She has said to us that she doesn't want to go out with any of these boys because she doesn't love them. YAY! her. I told her that was fine.
Recently both of them were playing princess's trapped in towers and asked me to find a prince to rescue them. I asked why they couldn't rescue themselves. My youngest decided that if this was an option she would be happy to do that. A choice that made me very happy.
Now I'm not a huge feminist or anything like that but I'm seeing a disturbing trend in young relationships where girls figure they have to be dependant on guys. Then there is all the other stuff to do with how women are portrayed and marketed to, what they get from friends, school and music. Yes even seemingly harmless things like the disney princess can send messages you may not realise they are sending, about needing an relationship for happily ever after and so on. I'm even thinking about getting copies of the original fairy tales so my girls can get the stories as they were not as they've been doctored to be. You know were Ariel dies because the prince is so damn fickle, she sacrifices everything for nothing. Now I like the disney movies and I even like a couple of the princesses Belle is my favourite, she refuses Gaston and sacrifices for her father.
My task with my girls is on going. The way is to find ways to get my girls thinking outside the apparent ingrained ways of society and that is something I need to remember and not become complacent about.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
What To Say?
These last couple of weeks have been a little frantic. That is to say I have been really, really busy. Mostly it's because I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, for those who don't know that means writing 50 000 words of a story in 30 days.
In amongst all this I have work, family, a father in law in hospital with only 30% of his heart working, my mother in law living with us for the interim, plus all the other things I usually do.
Added to all this, probably not surprisingly I am feeling a little stressed.
When this happens there are certain things I really feel the want to rant and rail against things. Right now yes I'm frustrated with how things are but more than anything I want to rant about these polls on facebook about gay marriage. I am getting inundated with people I know answering this poll with - no gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. And you know what? I want to scream at them saying why not! Seriously have any of them really looked around at the relationships on display in our society. So many unmarried people with loads of kids. So many divorces. So much anger, disappointment. Should not everyone be allowed to choose who they spend their lives with. I know some gay and lesbian couples who have been together longer than some hetero relationships.
Marriage used to mean something. But then religious people only look at the parts of the bible they want to look at when it comes to these things. And I will admit right now there are probably a heap of references in the bible I've missed but here's just a couple of things to think on.
*Divorce rate among christians is basically the same as non christians
*Solomon had hundreds of wives
*Yes Sodom and Gomorrah were bad but they were bad for a whole bunch of reasons not just one
Surely we are able to realise that sometimes things change in societies and these changes aren't always bad. I wouldn't want to be part of a society were women had as few rights as they did in bible times. I know too many stories of 'good' hetero couples treating their kids and partners badly. Also seriously as much as I'd hate to even use this next word in any blog post I'm going to - Kardashian. I don't know which one but heck her wedding came in at around $10million and the marriage lasted 72 days - this is what we are trying to protect? Really open your eyes have a look around, I don't think same sex couples are going to ruin the institution of marriage, I just don't think it's in that good a place.
I'm very fortunate to have found the right man for me, but I have friends who have been treated nothing but badly by men and truly believe they have found the right woman for them. And I nearly screwed that friendship because I said I still loved her but didn't necessarily like her choice. You know what...it's not my damn choice. She deserves happiness as much as I do and her partner makes her happy. No they won't procreate together but heck a lot of couples are choosing not to and a lot of unmarrieds are having many, even to different partners.
I really think this, as an issue, is probably a pretty unimportant one in the scheme of things.
In amongst all this I have work, family, a father in law in hospital with only 30% of his heart working, my mother in law living with us for the interim, plus all the other things I usually do.
Added to all this, probably not surprisingly I am feeling a little stressed.
When this happens there are certain things I really feel the want to rant and rail against things. Right now yes I'm frustrated with how things are but more than anything I want to rant about these polls on facebook about gay marriage. I am getting inundated with people I know answering this poll with - no gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. And you know what? I want to scream at them saying why not! Seriously have any of them really looked around at the relationships on display in our society. So many unmarried people with loads of kids. So many divorces. So much anger, disappointment. Should not everyone be allowed to choose who they spend their lives with. I know some gay and lesbian couples who have been together longer than some hetero relationships.
Marriage used to mean something. But then religious people only look at the parts of the bible they want to look at when it comes to these things. And I will admit right now there are probably a heap of references in the bible I've missed but here's just a couple of things to think on.
*Divorce rate among christians is basically the same as non christians
*Solomon had hundreds of wives
*Yes Sodom and Gomorrah were bad but they were bad for a whole bunch of reasons not just one
Surely we are able to realise that sometimes things change in societies and these changes aren't always bad. I wouldn't want to be part of a society were women had as few rights as they did in bible times. I know too many stories of 'good' hetero couples treating their kids and partners badly. Also seriously as much as I'd hate to even use this next word in any blog post I'm going to - Kardashian. I don't know which one but heck her wedding came in at around $10million and the marriage lasted 72 days - this is what we are trying to protect? Really open your eyes have a look around, I don't think same sex couples are going to ruin the institution of marriage, I just don't think it's in that good a place.
I'm very fortunate to have found the right man for me, but I have friends who have been treated nothing but badly by men and truly believe they have found the right woman for them. And I nearly screwed that friendship because I said I still loved her but didn't necessarily like her choice. You know what...it's not my damn choice. She deserves happiness as much as I do and her partner makes her happy. No they won't procreate together but heck a lot of couples are choosing not to and a lot of unmarrieds are having many, even to different partners.
I really think this, as an issue, is probably a pretty unimportant one in the scheme of things.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Hmmm...
Life has been busy.
I'd prefer it wasn't work busy, then again it's not exactly busy at work, it's just work - a way to waste 6 hours a day.
Last week though I mixed things up a little - I didn't have lunch rather I fasted that meal. Now fasting one meal a day may not mean much but here's what that added up to - 3 extra hours of prayer time and in a life where prayer time is well, just when ever, then I figure it's not a bad thing.
To be honest I only fasted because God dropped into my mind to do so and I didn't know what to expect from it. I have to say though it was a good experience, I was a little calmer and even though I was and am still frustrated about lack of certain things moving forward I do at the moment feel more hopeful for the future. And that can't be a bad thing.
I'd prefer it wasn't work busy, then again it's not exactly busy at work, it's just work - a way to waste 6 hours a day.
Last week though I mixed things up a little - I didn't have lunch rather I fasted that meal. Now fasting one meal a day may not mean much but here's what that added up to - 3 extra hours of prayer time and in a life where prayer time is well, just when ever, then I figure it's not a bad thing.
To be honest I only fasted because God dropped into my mind to do so and I didn't know what to expect from it. I have to say though it was a good experience, I was a little calmer and even though I was and am still frustrated about lack of certain things moving forward I do at the moment feel more hopeful for the future. And that can't be a bad thing.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Challenge Yourself
Over the last little while I have been involved with projects that challenge me in one way or another. Really in regards to one issue - body image.
I don't have the best body image. I'm short, I used to have pert boobs, no stretch marks and less weight across my butt, hips and stomach.
So what, you may say, you've had two kids.
Yes I have and so in some ways my body will never be the same. I can't afford a personal trainer or plastic surgery but I am exercising three or so times a week, which is something I started doing last year.
Any way back to challenging myself.
Two projects came my way around the same time.
The first was a one act play, set in a lypo-suction clinic and told the stories of 4 very different women who ended up there. This was confronting for me because at the end we strip down to our underwear in front of the whole audience. The other challenge for me was the character the director wanted me to play was the one who self harmed - if you've read some of my other posts you will know this is some thing I used to do. I decided that I found this scary - I have stretch marks for crying out loud. So I decided - mostly because a dear friend was directing, that I would face my fear and do this.
Then hot on the back of this casting I get a message from another friend/director asking me if I would be interested in doing a 'Calendar Girls' style calendar shoot to raise some money for a theatre. I choked - for those not familiar with the story or film, that means sans clothing. Naked. If the other one was scary then this terrified me. Now see there is one problem with being a personality type like mine. I see a fear in myself, and think about all the self image problems friends and young girls have and I say no, I will not let this fear rule me. I tell my girls appearance isn't everything and now here was my chance to stand up in my own way and say this is my body and so what if it's not modernly tiny and perfect but it's my body I mostly like it and I am beautiful. So I said yes and it scared the absolute crap out of me.
Now the photo shoot is done and we will soon see the finished product. Along the way it also became not about any money for the theatre, who backed out, but about raising money for ovarian cancer, we figured many knew about breast cancer and it's fundraising so we would do something less well advertised. It has gotten bigger than we were originally thinking. And while I see everyone else's pictures and think wow, and see mine and go mmm, I trust the photographer and the fact that we are all probably in some ways our toughest critics (or that may be just some of us).
And now I find myself being a genuine Miss July.
Some times you need to acknowledge your fears, face up to them, no matter how terrified you are of them and take that step forward.
Oh and yes I realise it's yet another thing that very well may count against me as far as my being a good christian girl goes, but this is important on so many levels.
I don't have the best body image. I'm short, I used to have pert boobs, no stretch marks and less weight across my butt, hips and stomach.
So what, you may say, you've had two kids.
Yes I have and so in some ways my body will never be the same. I can't afford a personal trainer or plastic surgery but I am exercising three or so times a week, which is something I started doing last year.
Any way back to challenging myself.
Two projects came my way around the same time.
The first was a one act play, set in a lypo-suction clinic and told the stories of 4 very different women who ended up there. This was confronting for me because at the end we strip down to our underwear in front of the whole audience. The other challenge for me was the character the director wanted me to play was the one who self harmed - if you've read some of my other posts you will know this is some thing I used to do. I decided that I found this scary - I have stretch marks for crying out loud. So I decided - mostly because a dear friend was directing, that I would face my fear and do this.
Then hot on the back of this casting I get a message from another friend/director asking me if I would be interested in doing a 'Calendar Girls' style calendar shoot to raise some money for a theatre. I choked - for those not familiar with the story or film, that means sans clothing. Naked. If the other one was scary then this terrified me. Now see there is one problem with being a personality type like mine. I see a fear in myself, and think about all the self image problems friends and young girls have and I say no, I will not let this fear rule me. I tell my girls appearance isn't everything and now here was my chance to stand up in my own way and say this is my body and so what if it's not modernly tiny and perfect but it's my body I mostly like it and I am beautiful. So I said yes and it scared the absolute crap out of me.
Now the photo shoot is done and we will soon see the finished product. Along the way it also became not about any money for the theatre, who backed out, but about raising money for ovarian cancer, we figured many knew about breast cancer and it's fundraising so we would do something less well advertised. It has gotten bigger than we were originally thinking. And while I see everyone else's pictures and think wow, and see mine and go mmm, I trust the photographer and the fact that we are all probably in some ways our toughest critics (or that may be just some of us).
And now I find myself being a genuine Miss July.
Some times you need to acknowledge your fears, face up to them, no matter how terrified you are of them and take that step forward.
Oh and yes I realise it's yet another thing that very well may count against me as far as my being a good christian girl goes, but this is important on so many levels.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Dear God
Dear God,
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen
Saturday, September 3, 2011
My Big Busy Life
Big, bad, busy life.
Well not really bad. It's just very busy for me at the moment and sure it would have been much nicer if the agent my manuscript was with hadn't sent me a no but such is it. Anyway I'm doing pretty good. I don't think I wanted to work with that particular agent. Couldn't really tell you why just a feeling I've got.
Besides I've got so much going on at the mo what with work, the play, the calendar and the short film. Also there is something very possibly exciting that I can't talk about. Rest assured as soon as I can, if it ever gets to that point, then I will. Part of me is terrified of this thing I'm working on and part of me thrilled, excited and obsessed - just a little. Like I really have time to be obsessed.
Work is hard at the moment though. I'm struggling with the conservatism. The music is sleep inducing, the pace at which they tend to work is slow and I still think some of the things they do just don't make sense. My old job may have bugged me on occasion but the people I worked with made it worth it. I don't feel quite that way about this job. I don't know how long I will last at this, there are some good things - the free books for instance, but so often the ones I want don't get Advance Reading Copies handed out. Still sometimes it's the little things that make it worth it.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Performance in Church
This is one of the things I've really struggled with over the years. I love acting, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it but I hate church drama with a passion.
It took me a very long time to be willing to get up on a church stage again and once I do they then start doing the very things I disliked about it in the first place.
We hadn't been committed to going to our new church for very long when they announced the formation of a drama team.
To be honest I rolled my eyes and groaned. Mostly because I wondered how or why God would be doing this now when he knew how much I hated it. Then I had that internal debate about whether I should let them know I have experience in performing.
I decided not to get involved.
I know I was judging based on my previous experience but that's what I had to go on. Yes it is possible for the person to be given this position to have more experience and more talent than me. For them to have great ideas and wonderful execution. But I couldn't see that happening.
I didn't give it much thought after that.
Until last week.
The team got up to perform their first (of the first one I'd been there for) sketch. It started for me badly but I thought I'd try and stay. I didn't last and the whole thing wasn't much more than five minutes long.
I walked out feeling guilty about being disrespectful. After all they at least had gotten up there and I hadn't, so what right did I have to judge.
It made me wonder again though, why it is okay for people with heart but no skill to be involved in a drama team but they wouldn't be allowed as part of a music team.
Then again it could be a self perpetuating problem. The sketches are short, unchallenging and sometimes badly written and badly executed, so people with skill won't want to get involved, therefore the only way the team can get new blood is to invite people with heart.
Me I would be embarrassed to be seen to be doing those sketches. That's right I said it embarrassed and I would never invite my friends to come and see one. I laugh when people say it would be good for my acting friends to come and see these things.
I know I probably shouldn't admit to being embarrassed but it's the truth. To be reading your script or to explain the piece before performing are just things that shouldn't happen.
I felt guilty for walking out but my hubby wisely asked how I would have felt being involved in something like that. I replied by telling him I would have hated it. And that is the truth.
It's not so much about being embarrassed by God but by the poor use of something I love.
Yes I think drama could be a very powerful tool but I also don't see that happening because people aren't interested in trying different things. I have tried and the responses have been ranged from 'that sounds interesting' to 'interesting but not now' and being just ignored.
The thing is though, then I have to deal with the 'why aren't you using your skills for God in church?' questions or the idea that because I am a mother my best skill is helping out in kids church.
It makes me sad in a way but the performing I am doing at the moment is challenging and powerful and I am happy to be putting my time in there rather than for a church.
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