Retrospective

We have somehow come to the end of another year.
I don't know whether it is my age but it seems every year passes faster than the one before.
This year has seen my baby start full time school, my eldest struggle to find her niche and start to not me a little girl any more ('mum barbie, that's for little kids' - a comment about a present from a family friend who forgot she was almost 10). Hubby has gotten a little more work in the music area - which I absolutely won't complain about, I just wish there was a bit more.
And then we have me who has had a major career change. I started the year in retail and finished it in Corrective Services.
I've learnt some stuff about myself this year. I still believe in God, in fact there have been days at work when I have spent a lot of time praying, but church and I have some real issues. I still haven't figured out how to give my children a good grounding in faith without going to church. The christians who have been the ones who support me most are those I never (or almost never) see face to face. They are the ones who understand my struggle, they are the ones who don't judge, they are the ones who encourage me.
I realise my new job has very likely made it more difficult for me to find a church home, I work with some really terrible people and I do my absolute best not to judge them nor do I preach at them. The job is high stress and survivable by most through means of a dark sense of humour. And guess what, I feel as though I fit there.
I am going to try a new church this year, I really want to find one where my girls feel as though they fit. That hasn't happened yet. Sure that may not be the best motivation for looking for a church to belong to but after so many years of not really feeling as though I fit I still have fond memories of my times at church camp and such and I want my girls to have similar opportunities.
Life is full of curveballs. I may not be where I wish I was (I'd really like a house of our own) and I may not be anywhere I expected to be (certainly never thought I'd be in the job I currently am). Thing is I can't help but think I'm where I need to be for whatever reason (and I'm sure I have no clue what that reason might be).
Without question though I know I am blessed. Yeah I know people with loads more money than we have but I look at certain things in their lives and wouldn't change mine for theirs. I have a husband who gets me, he supports me. He is my safe place to be - there aren't a lot of men who would be happy for their wives to work in such a potentially dangerous environment. I have two amazing girls who are my reason for choosing a job that gives me more days with them. I get home after a 12 hour shift and shout out to them and they come running and screaming with joy and throw themselves at me. It is a good feeling to know you are missed and loved so much.
I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back (though with the weight I've lost this year I really need to go buy some that actually fit). And my fitness level is so much better than it has been for years.
This year may seem to have flown by but so much has been crammed into it. Life is good. Chaotic, busy but definitely good.
I hope and pray you have a blessed New Year and can experience some of the joy and peace in life that I have.

Family

Today it seems prudent to remember my family.
My family are everything to me. My children and husband are the main reason I took this new job. I wanted extra time with them, I wanted to be able to look after them better. Yeah I know there are people out there who would say providing is not the woman's job but when your man works from home and is the stay at home dad, then I say shove your preconceived ideas...well you know what I mean.
I feel for those who have had loved ones taken in this most recent of shooting sprees. I can't help but think of all the possibility that has been wiped out.
It is a good day to take your loved ones in your arms and hold them tight. Mine are very sick today so I have cleaned up buckets of vomit and had to really control my own gag reflex in the process but that is part of having children and I will clean up as much vomit as I have to if it means my children are still here for me to hold.
Cherish your family.
Remember your loved ones, the ones who have gone before us and honour their memories. Hug them, hold them and tell them you love them every chance you get.
Family are worth it.
I am so thankful that I could hold my girls in between vomit sessions today.

And Now For The New Life

I have now started my new life, that is I have started my new job. I now work shift work, 10 days out of 21. I look at my work calendar and still think it looks a little weird. I have to admit working two days on, two off, two on, two off, three on, three off and the like is a little strange. The 12 hour days aren't so bad though.
The biggest thing is trying to remember all the things I'm supposed to. Fortunately most of the people I now work with are really good at helping you through the learning process. Most people you ask will say it takes about two years till you really get the hang of the job. I guess I'll see.
Now I'm working my new roster though two things are supposed to happen, one is I'm supposed to get back into training and the other is I better get back into writing, my books won't write themselves.
On the up side those things are happening, slowly. An added bonus is that I am finally getting around to reading again and that feels so good. Ahhh old friend I have missed you. I have missed being swept away to strange and fun places, having adventures, allowing the impossible to be possible if just for a few hours.
I've started running again, something that somehow became quite difficult to do when I was studying after 8 hours in a classroom then getting home to be with the family it became really difficult to go out and get in the kms. Now I can be home on school days I can run back from the school, it is a good time to run and not that hard to get into the routine of. Of course the big problem is that school holidays are about to start so I'll have to see how I manage with that. I've also been able to do a couple of weights and core sessions. In fact today's session was insane but really good.
I've also managed to get in a little writing, but honestly it will take a bit more juggling to get any sort of routine for that planned out.
The girls seem happier though. I make a big effort to keep things light when I get home. It helps me leave the job at work and helps them feel I'm not abandoning them. Being able to do the school runs sometimes now also seems to make a big difference. Hubby is great as always. He knows this new job is stressful, he knows I will have some really, really bad days, but he's not wrong when he says that I come home happier from this new job than I did in my old one. God willing things will run smooth.
On that front I have to admit to still not going to church. I honestly don't know how most church people will react to my new job, it's not a job most christians would be able to do because you can't be a bleeding heart or judgmental. Having said that I am praying more, trying to understand what God wants of me. Trying to do the right thing. I know there are those who would say I can't do the right thing while I'm not going to church. I will however continue to muddle through my life.

One Week Left

Yay!!!!
I have 4 days of course work left.
Yay!!!!
I cannot say that enough.
Scenario days were tough for me, I over think things. I don't think scenarios are ever the same as real life, of course it doesn't help that the actors don't really know what the people they are pretending to be are like, that makes it hard for them. They can go on only what they know and how they are told to be.
But no point in dwelling on it, I am done with them and this time next week I will have finished my first actual work shift.
The thing about starting a new job is the nerves. Sure I have spent 3 months in training for this new job but still there are things I don't know. I've had so much stuff crammed into my brain that I'm not at all sure I will remember any of it.
Hopefully I will remember enough.
Anyway I am nearly done. Four days, four assessments and one speech is about all I have left. Then life can start.
I am so looking forward to working two days having two off. Working three days having three days off. I already have my christmas roster and much to my delight it looks as though I won't be working christmas. I have three days off to spend with my family.
It yet remains to be seen how I adjust to my new job and new schedule but for now while I'm a bit nervous I am also very excited. I only hope I can do the job justice.

Work vs Study

Study is something I don't mind doing. In fact I quite like it I like learning new things. The problem for me is that the study of what I am doing is... well to put it simply I am over it.
We had 14 weeks of study then 6 mths on the job. Last week I finished a week of prac and to go back to study was quite hard. In fact it was more than that it was frustrating.
The thing is I know there is heaps I don't know but I also real feel I won't learn much more until I'm on the job. The fact I still have tests to sit and scenario days to get through just feels like a drag. I can't help but feel nervous about the scenarios because I have a tendency to over think things. There is so much about scenario training I don't like. Working with actors doesn't rank anywhere near a concern, my problem is I'm more inclined to believe the actors especially after being told there are certain things we just can't do like smoke to indicate a fire so the actors will tell you what is going on. So then when an actor tells me something that sounds like it might be part of the scenario I wonder if that is what the point is. Only to be told I shouldn't listen to the actors. Arrrrgghhh! I did it when I did the scenarios for my first aid training and I found myself doing it again for the course, I over think.
I really just want to get through the next two weeks.
I can't tell you how nice it is though to be home at nights now. For the last, however long I have been rehearsing or performing, so I have been out a lot and that in itself was draining. Now though I am home, and will be till I start night shifts.
I still like to learn things but I guess I really am over study at the moment. I just want to get into it, I know there is so very much I don't know and I wonder why they have us learning certain things the way they do. Despite this frustration I guess I know they have to teach it this way and I won't give up now... what would be the point I'm so close to finishing.
The good thing I suppose is that I at least can see the end. Sometimes in life we go through shit and we go as far as we think we can before giving up without realising that the goal we'd been going towards really was just around the next bucket of crap.
Persevere, I guess that is the point of this post. You may never know how close you are to the end of the bad and the start of the good.
Hang in there, that's the best advice I've got for you at the moment.

Friendship

Friends are really important. I don't have that many of them and that doesn't bother me because the ones I have are great.
I'm thinking on this at the moment because I wrote a poem for a friend this week. It is the first poem I have written in a very long time. This friend is only someone new in my life, she was going to be someone I was going to work with and I was really looking forward to it. This new career path is one where you form close friendships, you have to because it's not the sort of job you can share much of with others. Anyway the point is she has just been diagnosed with that terrible bitch of an illness cancer in this case stomach cancer. I know this one is one of the more nasty ones but still I had hoped they caught it early enough. She had surgery last week and goes in for chemo this week. the diagnosis obviously was worse than we hoped. Now though in respect to her wishes we are trying to give her the space she needs but I couldn't help myself. I sat in class unable to focus on anything much, so I did what comes naturally to me. I picked up my pen and I wrote.
Emotions effect us all differently and I know I am a very emotional person. It seems so unfair that this friend could be taken from me so soon and I feel so much for her family, partner and friends. It makes sense to me though that they have requested not to be contacted, I get how frustrating it can be dealing with the 'how are you today?' questions. I hope and pray I get more time with her she is a woman of value, she helped many of us in the course while she was with us and we miss her very much. Friendship is a funny thing. Some people seem to have many friends and I have at times in my life bemoaned my lack of socialising, however I am incredibly grateful for the friends I have. there are times we need to remember it's all about the quality not the quantity and the friends I have are quality ones.
For all the fear of this disease and possible loss of a friendship that never really had the chance to develop I wouldn't change the fact that I have gotten to know her a little, I can only hope and pray I get to know her for a bit longer.
Value those people in your life who know you for who you are and love you anyway, friends chose to be in your life and they are worth their weight in gold, or something else of more value than gold.

Tired but Trained

I am tired and yet I'm still going out tonight.
I have spent the last 2 weeks in training facilities learning new skills for my new job and it has been exhausting. Tired, sore, bruised, battered and a little weary but overall it has been fun.
It strikes me that so often we allow ourselves to sit in our niche, our comfort zone. Is that really living though? There have been several times over the last couple of weeks, in fact over the last two months since I started on my new career path, where I've doubted myself.
We all experience doubt, it's natural, especially when you push yourself into trying or learning new things. The thing is not to let that doubt stop you. At the times you question your ability, or doubt yourself sometimes the only thing you can really do is get up the next morning and get yourself to where you have to be and try.
You will probably surprise yourself if you at least persevere.
Don't let doubt beat you. Stretch yourself. Have a little faith in yourself.

Learning

It appears that I have actually started learning something.
I'm not talking about the stuff I need to learn as part of my course, I'm talking about one of those skills that sometimes in the past has evaded me.
There have been times in my life when that switch between thinking and saying has been on the wrong setting. Times I've said things I probably shouldn't have. Oh they haven't been terrible things but rather things like 'oh so if you're happy with your 10 year old reading books with sex in them...' to a father, who was totally shocked. Things like that are maybe not prudent to say but still fun. No question about it, sometimes it's fun to say things you know you shouldn't.
The thing is throughout this course I have managed to not say things several times. It's like in some ways I'm also not as impatient with things. This could be because things are still so very new, but maybe, just maybe I can grab hold of this little thing I appear to be cultivating and continue to keep it as a skill in my life.
The course has good moments and bad ones. The bad ones are really the boring ones. There are just some parts of the course that are sleep inducing. And to be honest I wasn't happy with the unit that told me to eat healthy, exercise and go to the dr for regular check-ups, no offence sir but I'm nearly 40 and nowhere near the oldest person in our class and you are treating us like we are kids again.
Such is life though. I got through it, it's not something I'm going to have to think about again and I can move on. There have also been some really interesting sessions and I'm glad I've gotten to sit through those.
There is a satisfaction you get when you achieve something new. This is a feeling I like. I like to learn and I like to accomplish. Don't we all.
Actually I suppose there are people who don't but they don't know what they are missing out on. Learn something new. Stretch yourself, it is a good feeling.

AHHHHH!!!!

I'm back studying. The first three months of my new job are the course part of the traineeship and so I find myself back in a classroom.
Can't say I ever really thought that would happen.
Some of it is hard to get through but that's just because by nature the topic is pretty dry, still it's stuff we have to know.
We have also had two written assessments and I have to say it seems that the skills I've cultivated with my writing and blogging have meant studying skills haven't left me entirely. I still have a pretty good study ethic and ability.
Right now though I have to admit there is a part of me that is wishing I hadn't committed to a play just before this all started. I did it because really I was pissed with missing out on the play I wanted to do because of the date of my brothers wedding and I think this will be the last one I do for quite a while as my new job involves shift work. It's not a big part, in fact it is three really small parts and at the moment I'm not needed every night of rehearsals but still the drive is time consuming and a little frustrating when you have to go so far for so few lines.
I'm liking it though. The challenge, the opportunity to push myself. I have to admit to being a little scared though, just a bit. This job is outside anything I've ever done or considered doing and so there is a part of me that is worried about totally stuffing it up.
Apart from all that though, God is still showing me his presence even though according to some I can't be a christian because of some of the things I believe. And while I am not about to go into details there is a part of me that finds it really interesting that I am in a place I never thought I would be and yet without those previously mentioned beliefs I wouldn't be able to help like I can. And no I am not going to tell you anything more than that. The only real point of bringing that up was to let you know that even when you struggle God can meet you where you least expect it. It's those little touches that allow me hope and we all need hope.

WWJD

What Would Jesus Do?
This became a catchphrase not all that long ago even though the book by the same name is quite a bit older.
Any way I was thinking about this in amongst all my recent contemplations and whilst I had a rather longer post idea in mind I think I want to start here.
My thoughts have come to the conclusion that it is possible we who call ourselves christians can do with a slight paradigm shift, we have fallen into a safety zone with this question. It puts us on some moral high ground and we judge our choices from a superior perspective, not that we have justification to do so.
I think perhaps we would be well served taking from an old oath - First Do No Harm.
Sure this is just my thoughts but I feel this is a pretty valid starting point. We see things from a judgmental point of view, even though we may not see it that way (just ask a non christian what they think of christians). The stereotype is sad but equally sad is the fact stereotypes don't come from nowhere. If we take the judgement out of the equation, take the moral high ground out of the equation we are left with a better foundation on which to build our lives.
First do no harm.
Now I am not claiming to ever have lived by this, let alone well, but it is a new thought in my mind and one I want to adjust to and see where it leads me.
First Do No Harm.

And Again

I just don't know how time gets away from me.
This year has just blasted by. So much to do, so many changes.
I finish in retail this week and believe me this is something I am totally ready for and absolutely looking forward to. My new job will be a challenge and a career change. This is a good thing.
How do I know this? I just do.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance.
Is this where I thought I would be at this stage of my life? Hell no. I truly believed God had called me to do certain things but if He had/has they haven't happened yet. Am I devastated by this? Not even a little bit. I have attacked some of those things to the best of my ability and you know from a slightly different perspective you could say they have come about, just not the way I expected. That's the thing though, what God means and how we interpret it can sometimes be two vastly different things.
A better question, rather than focusing on where a younger me hoped I would be, is am I happy?
Yes. Without a doubt that answer is yes.
I am blessed with a man who knows me, dare I say understands me, and somehow still loves me. He is my strength and support. When I am down he drags me up and lets me fall apart if I need to.
I have two children who I love even when they bug me to distraction, they make me proud and swamp me with love.
I have done many things, I have experienced life, I get to write. I have even had a job that at one time was one of my dream jobs.
It's all a matter of perspective really. Sure others would look at my life and wonder at the struggles but me I see the strengths and blessings that have come through that. I wouldn't swap what I have for success as the world sees it financially because without my family I couldn't possibly be this happy and to change any one of the things in my life could change what I have and that wouldn't be worth it. It really wouldn't.

Thank You

So I totally didn't realise that it had been so long since I had written in this blog. I'm still struggling with work, waiting to hear back from the job I applied for (sadly government jobs are popular and the process takes quite a while). I am also still struggling to figure out my faith.
The funny thing is I can go to a sic-fi/fantasy convention and feel right at home (what I wouldn't give to go to San Diego Comic-con- it's totally on my bucket list) yet I walk into church and want to turn right around again. It is so much easier to just sleep in on a sunday morning than get myself ready to go to church. In fact it was easier to get my butt out of bed on a sunday morning to go stand on my feet for 10 hours at previously mentioned convention than to go to church.
The thing is I want my girls to know God, to be given the opportunity to learn about faith.
I just find myself still questioning. I say again, because I already know I've said it before, that it would be easier if I didn't know so much, if I didn't want to question things, if I was willing to accept the boundaries put in front of me. Thing is I've kind of always pushed those boundaries.
I've heard all the arguments about needing to be in a church for your faith to be 'real' and to an extent I agree or at least understand it. My faith was stronger when I was hooked in to a church family but it's been a long time since I had that family feel in a church environment. By family I mean people who understood our wacky lives and sense of humour.
All is not lost though because I have the internet. Now some may think that sentence doesn't really makes sense, so let me explain. Through the wonderful digital world I am able to connect with the amazing Karin from Flickers of A Faithful FireFly and Andrew from Backyard Missionary. These people deserve a shout out for simply accepting my struggling questioning nature and supporting me through it. They come from different parts of the world and have known me in different ways, (one purely digitally) and yet they provide the chain that keeps me connected to that spiritual part of me. This I think is just as valuable as connecting in a building once or twice a week, in fact for someone like me it is even more valuable.
I hope that those of you who are struggling, confused or questioning, have someone like these people in your lives.

Hanging In There

It's been a few weeks since we've been to church. I want my children to learn about faith and have friends who share that but...
Last time we went to church I walked out. In the course of my faith and years at church I've walked out of my share of services. This time it was because the preacher started comparing non-christians to terrorists in between repeats of the statement 'purchase our products after the service'.

I just am now really struggling to find a reason to go back. 

For me the big thing at the moment is separating faith and religion. I find the format of church quite boring. I guess it's a case of not feeling I fit in for so long that I can't be bothered. I know who I am, I know what my skills are, what my interests are, I don't want to do church drama because often it is badly written and well, lets just leave it at that. I don't particularly want hubby in a music team because then there is music team commitments and sundays are a total write off (especially as we go to a church that has two morning services). 

The other thing is so many of our friends that we met through church or associated events are also no longer interested in the sunday ritual. So the question is then, what is going on? What has driven so many creative people away from the church? Is it that in many ways the church doesn't value the creative? Sure the mega churches can pay their music leaders or those in creative ministries but most of the team members are volunteers. There is just one problem with volunteering, you get little to no say in what you will be doing and it's so very hard to get time away from it. The creative pursuits may be your gifting, your passion but you are expected to do it all for nothing and give up a chunk of your time.

Of course the flip side of that is if you love something you give your time up for it anyway, paid or not. I've done plenty of plays for no reason other than the love of it. So why do I do that but reject the idea of joining a church drama team? A lot of it is for the reason I mentioned earlier, I find church sketches to be badly written. That aside, I'm not interested, even a little bit, in 3 minute sketches, as an actor they don't challenge me, I get nothing from doing them, except the feeling that I am wasting my time. Also you really don't get a choice, someone else picks the piece and unless you have loads of willing performers you don't get the option to say no, you are either in the team or not. When I audition for something it's because I want to do the show - I choose what I audition for. The other thing is actors accept my oddness, my sense of humour, my questioning nature and my some what out there personality, I fit in there. With church I feel the need to reel myself in, to curb my questioning, my humour. 

Then there are those who stand under the banner of christianity and spew hate and judgement and for me at the moment that is perhaps the big thing I struggle with. I know I've talked about his things before. I know there are times I think it would be easier if I didn't know so much, didn't read so much, didn't question so much. The way I figure it though is that this is the way I was created so there must be a purpose for it. It may be that I am not the only one who struggles. I'm not the only one who walks the line between wanting to believe and hating so much of what religion stands for.

Through all this though I am blessed to have people of faith whom I admire and who speak into my life, they don't judge me for my questions, they keep me hanging on to that thin thread of faith and even help me reweave strands back into it so I can hang in there a bit longer.

Following Up

Just as a very brief follow up to last weeks post, this week I got another email from the army informing me of more jobs I might be interested in. Obviously the left hand and right hand don't converse.

So moving on...
Work has proved very interesting this week. We have recently had a few thefts, now no-one likes to think they are working with a thief and it seemed most others were happy to believe someone from outside made it up stairs into the staff room and had time to go through different lockers on different occasions, without getting caught (keep in mind that we go in and out of there all the time). Moving on the new staff member has been fired, put two and two together. This is a slight problem for me only because I need to have some of monday off for a job interview and I can't get someone to cover my shift. I can breath a small sigh of relief because before this all happened I had gotten approval to take an extended lunch to cover my interview. Then I rock up to work on friday and another person is trying to find someone to cover their shift. I told them that wasn't going to happen and asked why and was told they hadn't realised they were working and had made a drs appt and were supposed to catch up with their friends. Ummm okay but if they didn't read their roster properly isn't that their stuff up? Is not the onus then on them to reschedule their stuff? Apparently not as far as they are concerned. So when the manager gets back on monday we may be severely understaffed and I will be making things much harder for the people I work with and that I feel bad for, do others simply not have this work ethic? The more I see in retail the more I think a good work ethic is becoming a rarer thing. Getting out will be a good thing methinks.

So...

A little while ago I felt a prompting to apply for the army reserves, came a little from left field as I have no real desire to serve my country or join what is clearly still a boys club, but I thought why the hell not, it will give me the challenge I am looking for in my life and give me the chance to give a little something back. With all the advertising they are doing at the moment it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get in.
Sure the physical side of things was going to be a push (sprints being the difficultly, I way surpassed the requirement for sit-ups and push ups) and I was nervous about the initial testing because it's been ages since I've sat psychometric testing. Thing was I passed with flying colours, I could apply for anything I wanted with the only exceptions being the stuff you have to be male for. So far so good you would think.
Not so. After testing I get a letter saying I've been rejected on medical grounds. Would you like to know the reason - self harm, because I cut myself over a short period of time 17 years ago I was immediately discounted as a candidate. You better believe that this bothered me on several grounds so I immediately appealed.
My arguments being that it occurred briefly a very long time ago, I was never officially diagnosed with anything, I haven't had a problem with this in over 15 years and in the meantime I've been able to offer up my shoulder to those with similar problems to what I had.
This isn't enough though, my rejection letter to my appeal stated; 'The stresses of service in the Defence force are considerable and often greater than faced in normal civilian life. Experience has taught the ADF that anyone with a history of depressive illness or adjustment disorder associated with self harm, such as yours, has a high likelihood of recurrence during military service, often as early as initial training.'
So in other words my life is stress free and if I start basic training I will probably fall apart and even want to cut myself again.
Wow!
They obviously have no idea how difficult it can be to be part of a low income family, and are unfamiliar with the concept of changing your life. Other things I would like to point out at his stage are; 17 years is as long as some of their recruits have been alive (I don't even get a second chance because of that!) and I know how to iron clothes (check out some of the new recruit videos where they say they have to teach some of them how to iron because they don't know how).
As far as I was concerned the whole process had big flaws in it. Firstly they wouldn't accept my uni transcripts because, well I had to prove I finished year nine and uni transcripts didn't do that. In life a degree always trumps a lower high school graduation certificate. Good grief at my interview the interviewer looked at the jobs I was interested in and said I couldn't do PR because I would need a degree in journalism or something (I promptly handed my degree over before saying lets just concentrate on the reserves not full time at the moment).
The other big problem I have with the process is that in all the questions self harm is lumped in with suicide attempts, now I don't know what psychs they have on the pay roll but not everyone who self harms wants to die. The first nurse I spoke to said it shouldn't be a problem because it was so mild and so long ago, the second one (after the first rejection letter) said self harm is an automatic rejection and I shouldn't have been told that however a letter from my Dr saying they hadn't treated me for depression or self harm, as well as a letter outlining what/when/how I've overcome should be enough to see the decision overturned. At most they both informed me I may need to discuss the matter with an army psych. Well guess what...never happened. I got the second rejection letter with no one even contacting me. They simply decided that something I did nearly half a lifetime ago meant I was unstable and unable to cope with something I determined would be a good thing to do with my life.
In other words the 17 year old who had both mummy and daddy take him to his first session is a better candidate that I am. (Though to be perfectly clear I don't know if he did get in).
They did say I could appeal the decision if I wanted but that would require me paying a shrink to dissect my past and give me a letter saying they believe I can cope, then I have to be interviewed by the army and jump through a bunch of hoops, and even then there is no guarantee that I would be accepted because that would then rely upon how competitive I was for the position I applied for and how many other candidates they had. Good grief! This coming on the back of my initial testing that gave me the all clear to apply for army intelligence officer if I wanted to (which one of the other candidates had informed me meant testing in the top 5% or so), and with me having researched the job I applied for and knowing they needed 13 positions filled and only had 7 candidates in the current pool.
Bottom line is I could have coped, if I was as fragile as they seemed to think surely a form letter saying they understand I will 'be greatly disappointed' with their decision, would do significant damage. Still it's simply another step in life for me and I think it's their loss. There are plenty of other bricks to kick over and ways to achieve goals like challenging yourself. In the mean time my fitness is better than it has ever been and my body is so much better to look at (I'm even starting to see abdominal definition). Something will come along.

Slow But Steady

Life is marching on. My body is making it a little hard to train at the moment, I have a hideous cough that had pretty much laid me out for the last week. Part of me really misses the training, I've tried a couple of sessions (weights) but no running, it hasn't been easy or had the desired effect. I live in hope that this cough has to go away soon.
My writing is also going along slow and steady. I've even had a break through there, which is always a good thing.
There are things that have bothered me this week but that is to be expected. One, I'm reading about private contractors and the War on Terror. One of the things that disturbs me most is the things some of these people are doing in the name of christianity. The more I read the more I wonder about being a christian. I believe in God but sometimes it's really difficult to want to stand up and be identified with others who claim to be christians. These contractors, politicians and agents aren't the only ones who cause this feeling.
I am getting a little fed up with requests to sign petitions against gay marriage. There I've said it. I quite frankly don't care who you love. I cannot see how allowing same sex marriage will destroy the institution of marriage, seriously when was the last time some of these people looked at the divorce rate. Also not sure how it will destroy family either. I live in an area with high de facto, high divorce, high teenage pregnancy and high 'children from different parents' rates. I'd say family is pretty messed up already.
Okay that's all I am going to say on the matter. I'm not going to rant. I'm not going to get worked up. I am just going to slowly and steadily go on about my way, while trying to figure out how to keep my faith out of the way of religion.

Life is a State of Flux

Just when you figure you are going along just fine something comes along and sideswipes you. There have been a couple of things in the last few weeks that have ratcheted up the stress levels. I'm not really sure I can talk about them just yet, not because they are too raw but because some things are a little time sensitive.

Blogging is a good way to think through things, vent at stupid things and even help others through your own experiences. It also means all you post is out there for anyone to look at, including potential employers. Anyone can cyber stalk you and if you say something in the heat of the moment on line sometimes it can come back and bite you on the butt. The truth is it can do that in real life as well but because it is so much more private we often forget about that. The internet can make even the smallest stuff up a much bigger one.

Do I regret the thing that happened this week? No not really. It has made things in my life a little uncertain for the moment but in the long run, I can already see that it was a good thing. Also in the process it has given me the opportunity to remind myself of a few things. So while a life in a state of flux may cause a little stress, it can also be a great opportunity to re-evaluate and I've come to the conclusion I still like myself, the alternative is to not be me and become boxed into the role others would have me fill.

I've never been very good at fitting into boxes.

Life Marches On

Well this week was trying. That is the nicest way to put it. My frustration with work seems to be on an ever increasing curve. Any one who has ever working in retail knows that some customers are just a pain in the butt. I know this, I've dealt with my fair share of them. One particularly painful one this week caused me more than a little grief, and has solidified my desire to find a new job.
Truthfully I feel as though my brain basically turns to mush when I go to work. The only time I really think is when I'm writing during my moments at the register. Shelving and asking 'Is there anything I can help you with today?', requires exactly no thought power what so ever. I could probably do it in my sleep.
So this week I updated my CV, not just made sure that all the details were up to date but gave it a complete overhaul. So now I am in possession of a great and professional looking CV.

There's just one thing sitting in the back of my mind, and in more honest moments like now more at the front. I am close to 40. I have lived and worked in two countries, I have a degree and an associate diploma and I've run my own small business but... It's the but that keeps creeping up on me. Who is going to give a woman of my age a chance at a new career? Do I think I can do these jobs I'm applying for? Sure? Will there be things I need to learn? Sure but every new job is like that. I'm not a stupid person but I am passionate and have my dreams, and I'm not ready to let them go, it's just I'm ready to find a different way to live while still working on them. I want to learn more things. I want to do more things. I want a change and a challenge. I thrive on a challenge. I love to be pushed. But... who is going to look beyond a CV filled mostly with retail and hospitality experience to the potential I believe I have? 

Sometimes I want to jump up and down and say 'experience in life counts', and 'I've been working since I was 10' (my first job was stacking shelves), 'my work ethic is solid just give me a chance'.

Here I am; sitting at my desk on a Saturday night, blogging and applying for jobs, in between doing dishes, being a mother and wanting to write all night instead of thinking I'd better go to bed earlier than that because my munchkins will want my attention on the morrow. 

Life, it surely does march on. Here's to challenge, focus, passion and a drive to do something more.

Fads and Things

This week has proven one thing if you are part of nearly any online community and that is social networking can be a powerful thing. One particular campaign has saturated my twitter feed and Facebook this week and I'm not going to mention it by name so I don't get lumped into the category of  using a popular topic to self promote myself. Though if it was the right topic I may do just that, a good profile generates publicity which can generate income which is not a bad thing. Any how I have ranted to hubby about this thing so I will endeavour to keep this entry brief.
When something generates a lot of chatter in social media it can be a good thing or a bad thing, heaven knows there have been plenty of bad things. However the campaign this week fits into both categories. With something that gains this much momentum there will always be detractors and yes I have read some of their points and some of the good ones, so I don't feel I'm going into this biased one way or another. The bad is to do with money, predominantly and it is a shame when that overtakes any good. The good however is that people's eyes have been opened to something they otherwise may have stayed closed to - awareness is often a very good thing.
My personal opinion is that this campaign overlooks a couple of very important issues - firstly when the head is cut off of a terrible organisation chances are it won't collapse but someone else will step into the vacant place and that could be a very bad thing; secondly what happens to those caught up in this issue, those directly affected who have been trained/brainwashed/done terrible things to survive? There has been no talk about this and to be honest that is probably the things that disturbs me most.
What I would like to pull out of this fad is a suggestion, take it or leave it as you will - why don't you find out about a topic that gets your blood boiling and raise awareness about that. For me there are a couple of things that at various times get me ranting - domestic violence, self harm and human slavery. I have blogged about all these things and if you get me on the right (or wrong) day then you will get an earful about any of these things.
Fads can serve a purpose but maybe not jumping on the band wagon isn't a bad thing, maybe there are other things out there that you are able to raise awareness about, even if only one person listens - knowledge is power after all. Not everyone has their own voice, maybe you can help someone else find theirs.

Where I'm Going, Not Forgetting Where I've Been

I had my first army reserves interview this week. It was productive, a little funny and a bit thought provoking.
Let me address those concepts one by one. The productive first I think. I did very well in my general ability/math test, to the point where I can apply for what ever roll I want, the only things that appeared to be off the table were the roles that are available to men only. I took my uni grades not lower high school grades and they wouldn't accept them - said I was over qualified. Also you have to fill out a very comprehensive medical questionnaire. This may be where I have a hiccough. I filled it out honestly which means to the question 'have you ever self harmed?' I answered yes. Of course I was not impressed with the fact self harm was lumped into the same question as suicide,  because I never came close to that and anyone who really knows anything about self harm knows that the two aren't necessarily linked, people who self harm don't always escalate to suicide and those who commit suicide often don't self harm. The nurse said there may be further questions about that. I said fine it's all out there in the open any way, not something I brag about but not something I hide away either. The long and the short is I should hear from my case officer soon and I can progress with my application.
To the funny; well there was the inappropriately popped open button, the trigonometry questions that caused me to giggle (I haven't done those sort of questions in 20 odd years), the fact I was the only female (there was only 3 of us in a group of about 20) over the age of about 20, and the fact the test computer knocked 10 years off my age. Not to mention my interviewer said one of the roles I had written down as being interested in was only available to those who had a degree in journalism, to which I responded with a 'here it is,' and put it on the table in front of him. He also told me I was a little different, well obviously, I'm female and twice the age of most candidates.
This brings us to the thought provoking part of our blog tonight. I had hit my pre-interview goal for physical fitness 45-50 sit ups, 10 push ups and 5.1 on the sprints, (point of note my pb is 5.2). Then I mentioned this to one of the other candidates in the form of saying sprints were my weakness but I was happy because I hit my goal which was police fit. His response was 'well that's not very fit'. Then went on to say the test was only base line fitness, blah, blah, blah. In one fell swoop he disregarded all the effort I had put in to get to that point. Then a 17 year old said it should be easy to do 50 push ups and level 11 on the sprints. Candidate #1 wasn't impressed with the young guys response due to his age. I told them both the suck it up because I was much older than them. Yeah sure it's funny that Candidate #1 got immediate karma but it still bugged me a bit.
It was the total disregard to my effort that pissed me off the most. He made a judgment based on his own paradigm of fitness, he has no concept as to what it is to be an almost 40 year old mother of two, who up until 18 months ago couldn't bring herself to exercise in any way other than the occasional walk to the shop (I figured being on my feet most days for work was enough). Me I now run 4 km's in about half an hour and in two and a half weeks or so that I'd improved my sprints from 2.8 and an 'OMG what the hell do I think I'm doing' to 5.2 sprints and 3 x 400m fartlek laps after. On top of all that I do weights and core training about 5 - 6 nights a week. This is a big thing. Up until about 2 months ago my exercise consisted of three 3km runs a week and even then it was an effort to drag my butt into my training shoes. Running is still not something I really like, I do however like weights, but it's not such a drag.
In two months I have come a huge way, so while these young gym monkeys who have very little life experience will continue to judge me on the me they see now, I need to remind myself that they know so very little. While I pursue this part of my life I should never lose sight of where I came from, it gives perspective and hopefully when I feel down, and yes even judged, I can hold on to the knowledge that I have already come one hell of a long way.

Yet Another Goal

If someone had told me 18 months ago that I would become fitness obsessed I would have probably collapsed laughing in their face. Funny what happens when you get angry enough with someone but aware enough to know you need to find a healthy way to deal with it.

That is why I started running... because I didn't want to take my stress and bad mood out on my family, they didn't deserve it. Various people told me I would love running, it would make me feel so great. Well that never happened. I got to need it, if I didn't go I felt terrible. At least physically it was working for me and definitely filled the title of stress reliever, but it was never something I really enjoyed.

Then we stumbled across this guy who posted get fit clips on youtube and somehow his short little workouts inspired me. Sure they were brutal but manageable at least once I'd done them a few times. Then came to buying of my own weights and I discovered something I really enjoyed. Oh don't get me wrong, the idea of going to a gym does not inspire me. In fact it is something that has rather the opposite effect. Weights though and cardio while I'm watching tv, now that I can do almost every night.

This fitness thing then led me to applying for the reserves, speaking of which I have my first interview next week, so in less than a weeks time I will know if I'm going through to the next round.

It seems though that my fitness focus is not yet over. My very dear friend Jodie came around last night and told me we were going to do this event called Tough Mudder. I was sure she had never mentioned it before, she insisted she had, a fact that in the grand scheme of things is neither her nor there. She described it to me, I looked it up and am now a little obsessed with being able to achieve this massive insane thing.

So it appears as if the power that is, is not yet finished with my fitness overhaul.

An 18-20 km run broken up by a whole heap of military style obstacles. Totally insane and yet here I sit planning out both my military physical training and now beyond to Mudder. It's a good thing Mudder isn't coming my way until next year.

Happy 40th birthday Kylie (yeah I know most girls would treat themselves to clothes, jewellery or accessories). Welcome to my party.

I Have Done It Now

I now have a goal. I took my desire to find something new, a challenge and I have taken steps to pursue a totally different kind of thing.
A few months ago an idea came to me and I mulled on it for a while before deciding that when these positions opened up that I would apply, the draw back to this is that the whole process before you even find out if you have been accepted takes about 9 - 12 months. That is a fair chunk of time, so much can happen.
I accepted this would take a while so set about looking at other jobs and trying for a career change. Then out of no-where a thought came to me. I looked it up, checked out the application process, went in and spoke to someone to get more information and took the first step.
I am applying for the Army Reserves.
I know, at first glance it seems rather left of field. When I was younger I contemplated the airforce but back then women weren't allowed to fly jets so the appeal was lost a little for me. Until now it's simply not been something that entered my mind. The more I think about it at the moment the more it feels like the right thing.
Of course just because it feels like the right thing doesn't mean the recruiters are going to think we are a good match. However I have booked my first appointment and done a heap of research. Also I am working on being able to hit the physical fitness aspects; the push ups and sit ups aren't the problem I can already hit both required numbers. What is going to be tough is the shuttle runs. Sprints have never been my strong suit. Even all the running I've been doing the last 15 or so months doesn't make this challenge easy. If it was a distance run...well that is what I have been doing already but in some ways it doesn't prepare you for the sprints. Having said that, if I hadn't been doing the 3km runs then my cardio would struggle so much more.
In a way the funny thing is, before I decided to apply for the army, I was already working on my upper body strength. Hubby had bought me dumbbells for my own personal training before I even had this thought, and I have discovered I like weight training.
I have already improved quite a bit in the last few days since I've started the shuttle runs but somedays the difficulty of it is a bit disheartening. I only hope my own personal determination to achieve the goals I set before myself is up to this challenge. Past experience has shown I thrive on a challenge, so I'm going to be positive and back myself on this one too.

Week Off

I am now at the end of my week off. Sadly in this week I did not win lotto so I have to go back to work next week.
On the up side school went back and it looks like Miss 8's teacher isn't going to make it easy for her to slack off this year, which is a very good thing. Also Miss 4 has now started full time education and seems to love it.
All this meant I had three days to indulge in writing and such.
Yesterday though things hit somewhat of a wall. This feeling and place is not all that unfamiliar to me. The truth is I get down periodically. It's a frustration and a need to find change. In short I'm bored with certain things in my life. At the moment the main source of that frustration is my job. I know how silly, I am a grown woman who is frustrated with work. Oh I like reading still but I think I've mastered the job I have. Oh by no means to I think I know everything, it's a changing landscape so there is always more to learn and experience, but retail?
Well truthfully it's the retail side of things that irritates me. Some customers are awesome others not so much. I am bored with having to deal with customers, those who have no idea what they are talking about and those who believe because you work in retail you don't have a brain. Firstly loads of people who work in retail are doing it while they study. Also there are those like me who went back into the work force after quite a bit of time out who take what they can get. Me I have a degree and an associate diploma but not having actively used them means many people look over you.
The other problem I have is retail offers very little in the way of challenge and advancement. Sure I could try for management but the pay isn't all that great when you consider the hours you are expected to work and the fact you don't often get to have weekends and the like to spend with friends and family.
Retail has a high turnover because it's pay stinks yet so much is expected of those who work in the industry. My hourly rate is less than I got paid 10 years ago in hospitality. I have a family to feed and increasing utilities to deal with. Admittedly I am fortunate to work specific hours that mean I still have time to spend with my kids. A lot of parental types are not so lucky. You work what hours they want you to work or you don't have a job.
I was talking to an acquaintance and she said she got hassled at work, which proclaimed to be a family friendly environment, every time she needed to take time to be with one of her kids. Then they had a restructure thrust upon them and were told they had to adapt to the new rules which erased all their flex time and meant they had to work longer hours to fit in with the other side of the country. How is this family friendly? Bottom line is it's not.
I would like a job that could challenge me intellectually, push me to learn new things to excel in other areas. I know I can do it, when I started in books I loved to read but had no knowledge of kid's books, I got thrust there because I had kids. Now I have a blog, I write for another blog, I have built up quite a decent network of industry contacts, all off my own back. I know I can learn, I know I can adapt but so many jobs aren't interested in your potential to learn and excel they are interested in your most recent experience or piece of paper showing your qualifications.
My life isn't over yet, there are other strands I'm looking to pursue, new things that will push me into new spheres. There are even things I would love to study but the courses range from $2000 to upwards of $20000 and when you are a parent in a low income family every dollar is strictly budgeted and $2000 for a course may as well be $20000.
Maybe I need to find an old fashioned benefactor. Someone with money to burn who is willing to take a chance on a mature kinda girl who just wants to experience some different things. I know I have potential I just wonder if I can advertise for that kind of thing on Craigslist or ebay. Maybe a video plea on youTube. If I get that desperate I promise to post a link.

Tired

Today has been tiring. Not because of anything I have done mind you but  my girls. Miss 4 never seems to do anything at any pace other than flat out. Today she had me blindfold her so she could play hide and seek blindfolded. Or maybe it was chasey blindfolded. Or even both. She had a packet of crackers and decided to hold them out sideways while spinning around so they went all over the floor. She climbs on everything. She can't just stand there and ask a question but has to hang off you and try to pull your arm out of it's socket. Or there are the times she just wants to say hi or give you a hug and you end up with her launching herself at you from two feet away.
Her older sister is a little more sedate but prone to not listening to answers, or forgetting them two seconds later. Last night I told her she didn't have to do any pre-school work but she asked me several times. I told her she had to listen or next time I would give her maths stuff to do. Tonight she asked if she had to do any and I said well that will depend if I feel like it but prob not. Half an hour later she asked again. So much to her consternation she then had to do some. I hope this means she will learn to listen, but I sadly think not.
These girls of mine don't spend all their time in front of the tv or gaming, they spend time doing outside activities and playing as well as other imagination encouraging things and I still find myself a little worn out by them quite often. No time more so than when I am deeply invested in some story. Which is a problem at the moment because I have just started Game of Thrones - the Song of Ice and Fire series made extremely popular by the HBO series of the same name. It's been a while since I indulged in epic fantasy and I am loving it. With constant interruptions though I am finding myself a little short of temper.
The girls are usually very good, but it is the tail end of the school holidays, it's been ages since I've had a holiday and there are outside frustrations. It's a perfect storm of tiredness I think.
Or maybe weekends are just not long enough.

Resolutions

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I kind of don't see the point. I like the intention but the idea of forming them the way people do, as often unattainable challenges for the year, well I don't see the point. However I do find the change of year a good time to evaluate life. Where it's going, what I'm doing and am I any closer to achieving what I want out of it.
The last few years I've really felt that THIS year is the year things are going to change for us and we will get our breakthrough. Needless to say we are still here and there hasn't been anything I would consider to be a breakthrough. Survival yes, breakthrough, not so much. So I've decided not to seek out a breakthrough this year. In fact I'm going to do my best to ignore the thought all together. Now that I've voiced it though it may not be so easy.
In the past I've decided I'm going to be more organised, somehow it never really lasts. This year I've just started being more organised. I write down certain things I need to do and make sure I do them. I know simple really isn't it. Always is when I start and I always start with the best intentions. I've managed it for two weeks so far.
The other thing is I think I need a career change. I know I want one. The way I'm thinking of going  isn't a place I've thought of going before and if it wasn't for a chance encounter then I never would have considered it. Now I've done more than consider it, I've researched it and when the applications open I'm going for it. I still want to be a writer and act but I really want something that will challenge me and do more than put the food on the table. A house would be nice too. The thing with decisions like this is they often require great change. They require the willingness to leap out into the great unknown and take a chance.
A bit like faith in a way. We all know I struggle with that. I feel that many times I've flung myself out there and only just survived by the tips of my fingers. This year though seems like it may be a year of guts, courage and the ability to shut your eyes and say 'to hell with it'. My thoughts at this point are 'I hope you are in this God but I'm not waiting for you to say yay or nay, I'm flinging myself at this door anyway. If it's nay it'll hurt when I slam into the door but at least I will have tried.'
This year may not be a year of failed resolutions or breakthrough, but I hope at least to look back on it in 12 months and know it was the year I did my best.

Uh Oh...

The new year is here and Christmas already seems so very far away. It all seems as though things are right back to normal, sadly. There are so many things I wish would be or will turn out different this year. Most notably I think I'd like a little more good stuff and not so much struggling, though I know that in no way am I the only one struggling.
Already I'm working on part of me that I don't always do so well and that is the part that lets things go and relax. There is just one problem with that...I have a somewhat addictive personality and I get addicted to things like video games. We have a new game we have started, the game isn't new but is to us, and I am happy to sit there for ages and play. Of course then I feel bad about not working in that time on other things that may at some point give me success in other areas.
It's hard, that's all there is to it. If I want to have break throughs I have to work for them, but then in doing that something else has to give because I also have to work and make sure I spend time with my family. At times like this I really do wish there were a few more hours in the day.