The Good Things

Sometimes it does us well to be reminded of the good things.
The world is so full of hate and vitriol that it is easy to forget.
So today I am going to not rant. Strange for this blog but hey, change is good for you they say.
Good things.

I have a family who love me no matter how bonkers I get at times, and believe me with the crazy ass job I have and my pursuit of being a writer it can get pretty bonkers. Sure we have our ups and downs, every family does. I also have a house where we randomly walk by each other and say 'I love you' and give our spontaneous hugs. We also embrace each other for their quirks and uniqueness.

It's sometimes hard to remember to do things together, particularly now the kids are getting older, they have their own things to do, but there are times we remember to do just that and it makes a difference, it gives us a chance to reconnect.

I have a job that I like, sure it can be stressful but I often come home laughing, which is better than crying, I should know as I've had that life experience, not as much fun as it might sound. It pays my bills, enables me to do fun stuff and pursue my hobbies.

Sure they may be as crazy as I am but that's probably why we are friends. A lot of them I only see a few times a year and you know what, that doesn't matter.

I love them, miss them when I don't see them and love it when we get to catch up.

I have always been pretty hotheaded, I get worked up about things. My temper can burn hot. It makes life interesting. I couldn't imaging being uncaring about things. I think if you are that numb to what is going on around you then that is pretty sad.

Passion gets two plusses though because yes it is good to care about things but also it is good to have something you are passionate about that keeps you busy. In my case it is writing. Writing is something I have done pretty much for as long as I can remember and yes it is finally paying off as I should be published this year. Someone actually wanted to publish my book. Writing takes up a lot of my time but it also makes me feel better. In fact if I spend too much time not writing I get more than a little antsy.

Sure I have days where I feel a bit negative towards my body, I think we all do. Mostly though I'm happy with it. Then again over the last five or so years I've worked hard at it. I lost nearly 10 kgs (it fluctuates on a good day it's just over) but more than that, I toned up, got stronger and got fitter. I enjoy exercising and I love self defence training. Sure I know both those things aren't for everyone. I think there is a lot to be said about looking after your body for health reasons but as to shape and size, well that's really no-ones business but your own. Embrace who you are, change it if you want, leave it if you don't. (On a brief side issue, I'm so glad Barbie finally made some fundamental changes, not that I was ever a Barbie kind of girl.)

There is no shame in acknowledging that you are struggling. Many suffer from depression and so many more mental illnesses that it really should no longer be taboo. Everyone struggles at sometime. Some just have more a a struggle on their hands. Get help. This is not a negative thing this is a positive thing. Help is there for everyone. Me I'm thankful that I'm going through a good patch and yes in my case the depression is mild and periodic. For some of my friends it is a constant battle that can require careful monitoring of medication. You are not alone, that is a good thing and something that you can hold onto even in your darkest times.

So, take a moment for yourself and look to some good in your life. How does yours fair? Are there changes you want to make? Is it better than you though when you got up this morning?
Life can be brutal, it can be full of joy. Life is meant to be textured. We can never know what others are going through unless they chose to share it with us. Be someone that someone can share with. Going through life alone is not how it is meant to be, I'm sure of it. Of course that doesn't mean it is a popularity contest like much of modern media would have you believe. Contentment really can be found on a much smaller scale. Look for the good in your life today. You may be surprised.

WooHoo!

Okay so it's only 12 days, well 10 now but I have some time off and it feels great. I go to bed at a time that feels more natural to me and get up at a time that feels more natural to me. I've done workouts, gone out with my kids, given my hubby time to work and low and behold got some editing done. It feels good.
What doesn't feel so good is my lower body, the workout session we had was tough and for some reason I always push myself hard at those, two days later and it still hurts to get up and sit down. So tomorrow is going to require another workout.
It is so good to take this time with my family. Sure it's been a slog to get here, 3 months study 5 days a week, and the first 4 months on the job have had union upheaval. Thing is though, I am having 12 days off, I've already had a block of 9 days, so added together I've had 3 weeks off and haven't touched my annual leave yet. How freaking awesome.
My munchkins love me being home, of course their love does at times make it a little hard to get the writing work done that I want to but I'm working on that.
Of course if I'm totally truthful my daughter started playing a damn addictive game on my computer and it has taken up small chunks of my time that would be better served elsewhere. Also I bought Les Mis today so that has to get watched sometime soon.
I love my family and the thing is we all need to find a way to make life and work, work for us. For me it is 12 hour shift work in a high pressure environment, for others it will be something else. 'Work life balance' is a phrase thrown around a lot but it's not always what they say it is. It can be what you make it to be. Life doesn't always fit in the boxes you want it to, it can be messy, chaotic and difficult to juggle, but making it work - well that is something only you can really do. Don't let someone else tell you what it is. Think it through, make up your mind and do what you need to. Family is precious and we can't all pack up for 6 weeks a year and go holidaying in the best places money can buy. Find your place and it will be great.

Tired & Frustrated

I am tired and frustrated. It's not pretty but it is the truth. I like my job, I like the hours because I get to spend more time with my kids. I'm glad we've got the house sorted out but the saving stage of right now is frustrating. In no small part because I have plans and I can't follow through on them till everything is signed and so on.
I just want to get things done. At the moment this interim stage is frustrating me. I want to get my book finished, I want to get my office sorted out. I have stuff I'm trying to give away but no-one wants it. There are things I want to do but I just can't at the moment. It is soooooo frustrating!!!
I have a break coming up in a month though for a week and a half and you better believe I am looking forward to it.

Things

Firstly the good news. The stress about the house is not a thing anymore. Our offer was accepted. Dare to Dream indeed. God is good.

Secondly to the thing I really want to post about.

Judgment.

I have discovered a few things about myself since I started my new job. I have a rather strange capacity to deal with those many would consider to be the dregs of society without judging them.
Sure I know some of them have done really terrible things and I simply cannot understand how someone can do some of the things I know these people have done. Still I find I can just treat these people as people.
So many people have said to me that they could not do my job. I on the other hand quiet enjoy it. It's a very strange feeling having someone like that cry on your shoulder and thank you for not treating her like shit and making her time in the facility better.
Someone asked me the other day if I knew what so and so had done. I said no, I hadn't gone looking. They promptly told me I needed to make sure I knew who I was dealing with. My response was I never forget where I work and the type of people I work with. I find myself strangely uninterested in finding out the gory details though.
They say when you start my job that you shouldn't go in thinking you would ever make a difference, you might in one person's life in your entire career if you are fortunate. I didn't go in thinking I would make a difference, but in a very short period of time I have discovered that it makes a huge difference if you don't go in thinking you are better than them, if you don't look down your nose judging them all the time.
Not for a minute do I think they really like me, or that in given situations they wouldn't turn on me. What I do have a better understanding of is the value of judgement.

          Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge 
          others, you will be judged, and with the same measure you use, it will 
          be measured to you. 
          - Matthew 7:1-2

We are exhorted to not judge others yet we do in so many ways. We often stand on our own little pedestal and look down at those around us for many reasons. We only see small snippets and judge on that moment. Just because I do so well at work doesn't mean I don't struggle with this in other areas of my life. I think work is different simply because in some way I am able to detach myself from the circumstances. In life I don't have that detachment.

In life I see an overweight person in lycra stuffing their faces with junk food and my thoughts aren't at all positive. I see someone swearing at their children and calling them stupid, and instead of not judging I just want to smack them one. I see someone unable to put clothes on their children's backs and yet still have enough money to buy smokes and booze and I want to knock some sense into them. I see a girl put up with an abusive relationship and I want to shake her till she sees the truth.

In so many little things I judge. This does not make me unique. 

I don't have a total handle on this not judging thing yet and honestly I probably never will. What I do have is a greater understanding of what it means to someone who has done crappy things, and yes even terrible things, not to be judged. It gives them a chance to look at what they have done, take responsibility for it and make steps to change things.

Next time you feel the urge to look down your nose at someone, take a moment to think about what your judgment could mean. 

Grasping at Straws

'Hi this is your real estate agent you have 60 days to vacate, bye'.
Well that sux.
We really thought we'd have these 12 months to save so we could just move into a place of our own. It turns out not. Things just aren't that simple in our lives.
I've finally settled into the new job, though there is still so very much to learn, but I''m comfortable enough to do overtime. This was going to kickstart our savings. Now though this is not an option.
So we find ourselves in a kinda nowhere land. Rentals are damn difficult to get and the cost of getting into another rental is so close to what we would have to pay for a mortgage that it would negate our ability to save or severely restrict it. But we are looking. We are also looking at buying, With my new income we have to ability to get a loan but the problem is we only seriously started doing this saving thing since January and banks won't look at us seriously till we've 3 months of proof that we can save, 6 weeks just isn't good enough.
Still we've been looking.
The problem we really have is that we are in a big place, we have certain needs that mean a normal 4 x 1 or 2 won't suit. Believe me we've looked. I will probably have to sacrifice my office but I can live with that. I won't be the first writer to use the kitchen table. And I suppose I can put my books into storage (I'm not sure I am in a place to sell them). We still need a place for hubby to run the business from home and the only places we've seen so far have tiny little spaces that simply won't work.
Then yesterday something happened. God spoke to me. I really felt His presence for the first time in ages. Not that I haven't prayed till yesterday. I pray often but without question I have felt a distance in my faith. I still have no home church but I haven't been willing to walk away from my faith. I believe in God I just don't get along with the church (if you've read my blog you know about my struggles here).
Anyway, yesterday I was just praying for peace about the whole situation, that God would have the right place for us. And I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I felt God saying He was in control and that I needed to dare to dream and to trust Him.
Well we were looking in an area we'd never considered but someone had told us a property was about to go on the market that would be in our price range. It's an area we've thought might not be a bad one to be in before, so that seemed good. Of course the person that told us about it knew nothing about the house yet. So that was a possible we could work with that. Dare to dream.
Then on the way home we received a call from the real estate agent of the house we are currently in saying it had been valued lower than we were expecting and it would totally be within our price range. Stunned is the only word to describe what we felt. Dare to dream. This would make things so much better for us. We wouldn't have to pack and move and shift the girls (they love the school they are in), it even suits our bizarre needs.
Our mortgage broker gave us a plan.
We took it to the agent feeling positive and he said the owner probably wouldn't go for it because he wanted get it all done in a much shorter time that would really work for us.
Crushed. Frustrated. Annoyed. These words are all apt to describe the way I was and am feeling. So much for Dare to Dream. I just have had enough of having things in our grasp and having them ripped away.
So today has been a days of ups (Valentine's Day with my hubby) and downs.
I keep telling myself that the owner hasn't said no yet or that there is something better out there. I keep repeating God is in control, if He wants us to have this house it will happen. I keep hoping for a miracle, one that really doesn't involve having to find a short term rental.  In the meantime trying to figure out the best plan of action is frustrating at best.
PS. If anyone knows of a place like the one in the picture that will fit our budget then please let us know.

And Now For The New Life

I have now started my new life, that is I have started my new job. I now work shift work, 10 days out of 21. I look at my work calendar and still think it looks a little weird. I have to admit working two days on, two off, two on, two off, three on, three off and the like is a little strange. The 12 hour days aren't so bad though.
The biggest thing is trying to remember all the things I'm supposed to. Fortunately most of the people I now work with are really good at helping you through the learning process. Most people you ask will say it takes about two years till you really get the hang of the job. I guess I'll see.
Now I'm working my new roster though two things are supposed to happen, one is I'm supposed to get back into training and the other is I better get back into writing, my books won't write themselves.
On the up side those things are happening, slowly. An added bonus is that I am finally getting around to reading again and that feels so good. Ahhh old friend I have missed you. I have missed being swept away to strange and fun places, having adventures, allowing the impossible to be possible if just for a few hours.
I've started running again, something that somehow became quite difficult to do when I was studying after 8 hours in a classroom then getting home to be with the family it became really difficult to go out and get in the kms. Now I can be home on school days I can run back from the school, it is a good time to run and not that hard to get into the routine of. Of course the big problem is that school holidays are about to start so I'll have to see how I manage with that. I've also been able to do a couple of weights and core sessions. In fact today's session was insane but really good.
I've also managed to get in a little writing, but honestly it will take a bit more juggling to get any sort of routine for that planned out.
The girls seem happier though. I make a big effort to keep things light when I get home. It helps me leave the job at work and helps them feel I'm not abandoning them. Being able to do the school runs sometimes now also seems to make a big difference. Hubby is great as always. He knows this new job is stressful, he knows I will have some really, really bad days, but he's not wrong when he says that I come home happier from this new job than I did in my old one. God willing things will run smooth.
On that front I have to admit to still not going to church. I honestly don't know how most church people will react to my new job, it's not a job most christians would be able to do because you can't be a bleeding heart or judgmental. Having said that I am praying more, trying to understand what God wants of me. Trying to do the right thing. I know there are those who would say I can't do the right thing while I'm not going to church. I will however continue to muddle through my life.

One Week Left

Yay!!!!
I have 4 days of course work left.
Yay!!!!
I cannot say that enough.
Scenario days were tough for me, I over think things. I don't think scenarios are ever the same as real life, of course it doesn't help that the actors don't really know what the people they are pretending to be are like, that makes it hard for them. They can go on only what they know and how they are told to be.
But no point in dwelling on it, I am done with them and this time next week I will have finished my first actual work shift.
The thing about starting a new job is the nerves. Sure I have spent 3 months in training for this new job but still there are things I don't know. I've had so much stuff crammed into my brain that I'm not at all sure I will remember any of it.
Hopefully I will remember enough.
Anyway I am nearly done. Four days, four assessments and one speech is about all I have left. Then life can start.
I am so looking forward to working two days having two off. Working three days having three days off. I already have my christmas roster and much to my delight it looks as though I won't be working christmas. I have three days off to spend with my family.
It yet remains to be seen how I adjust to my new job and new schedule but for now while I'm a bit nervous I am also very excited. I only hope I can do the job justice.

Work vs Study

Study is something I don't mind doing. In fact I quite like it I like learning new things. The problem for me is that the study of what I am doing is... well to put it simply I am over it.
We had 14 weeks of study then 6 mths on the job. Last week I finished a week of prac and to go back to study was quite hard. In fact it was more than that it was frustrating.
The thing is I know there is heaps I don't know but I also real feel I won't learn much more until I'm on the job. The fact I still have tests to sit and scenario days to get through just feels like a drag. I can't help but feel nervous about the scenarios because I have a tendency to over think things. There is so much about scenario training I don't like. Working with actors doesn't rank anywhere near a concern, my problem is I'm more inclined to believe the actors especially after being told there are certain things we just can't do like smoke to indicate a fire so the actors will tell you what is going on. So then when an actor tells me something that sounds like it might be part of the scenario I wonder if that is what the point is. Only to be told I shouldn't listen to the actors. Arrrrgghhh! I did it when I did the scenarios for my first aid training and I found myself doing it again for the course, I over think.
I really just want to get through the next two weeks.
I can't tell you how nice it is though to be home at nights now. For the last, however long I have been rehearsing or performing, so I have been out a lot and that in itself was draining. Now though I am home, and will be till I start night shifts.
I still like to learn things but I guess I really am over study at the moment. I just want to get into it, I know there is so very much I don't know and I wonder why they have us learning certain things the way they do. Despite this frustration I guess I know they have to teach it this way and I won't give up now... what would be the point I'm so close to finishing.
The good thing I suppose is that I at least can see the end. Sometimes in life we go through shit and we go as far as we think we can before giving up without realising that the goal we'd been going towards really was just around the next bucket of crap.
Persevere, I guess that is the point of this post. You may never know how close you are to the end of the bad and the start of the good.
Hang in there, that's the best advice I've got for you at the moment.

Learning

It appears that I have actually started learning something.
I'm not talking about the stuff I need to learn as part of my course, I'm talking about one of those skills that sometimes in the past has evaded me.
There have been times in my life when that switch between thinking and saying has been on the wrong setting. Times I've said things I probably shouldn't have. Oh they haven't been terrible things but rather things like 'oh so if you're happy with your 10 year old reading books with sex in them...' to a father, who was totally shocked. Things like that are maybe not prudent to say but still fun. No question about it, sometimes it's fun to say things you know you shouldn't.
The thing is throughout this course I have managed to not say things several times. It's like in some ways I'm also not as impatient with things. This could be because things are still so very new, but maybe, just maybe I can grab hold of this little thing I appear to be cultivating and continue to keep it as a skill in my life.
The course has good moments and bad ones. The bad ones are really the boring ones. There are just some parts of the course that are sleep inducing. And to be honest I wasn't happy with the unit that told me to eat healthy, exercise and go to the dr for regular check-ups, no offence sir but I'm nearly 40 and nowhere near the oldest person in our class and you are treating us like we are kids again.
Such is life though. I got through it, it's not something I'm going to have to think about again and I can move on. There have also been some really interesting sessions and I'm glad I've gotten to sit through those.
There is a satisfaction you get when you achieve something new. This is a feeling I like. I like to learn and I like to accomplish. Don't we all.
Actually I suppose there are people who don't but they don't know what they are missing out on. Learn something new. Stretch yourself, it is a good feeling.

AHHHHH!!!!

I'm back studying. The first three months of my new job are the course part of the traineeship and so I find myself back in a classroom.
Can't say I ever really thought that would happen.
Some of it is hard to get through but that's just because by nature the topic is pretty dry, still it's stuff we have to know.
We have also had two written assessments and I have to say it seems that the skills I've cultivated with my writing and blogging have meant studying skills haven't left me entirely. I still have a pretty good study ethic and ability.
Right now though I have to admit there is a part of me that is wishing I hadn't committed to a play just before this all started. I did it because really I was pissed with missing out on the play I wanted to do because of the date of my brothers wedding and I think this will be the last one I do for quite a while as my new job involves shift work. It's not a big part, in fact it is three really small parts and at the moment I'm not needed every night of rehearsals but still the drive is time consuming and a little frustrating when you have to go so far for so few lines.
I'm liking it though. The challenge, the opportunity to push myself. I have to admit to being a little scared though, just a bit. This job is outside anything I've ever done or considered doing and so there is a part of me that is worried about totally stuffing it up.
Apart from all that though, God is still showing me his presence even though according to some I can't be a christian because of some of the things I believe. And while I am not about to go into details there is a part of me that finds it really interesting that I am in a place I never thought I would be and yet without those previously mentioned beliefs I wouldn't be able to help like I can. And no I am not going to tell you anything more than that. The only real point of bringing that up was to let you know that even when you struggle God can meet you where you least expect it. It's those little touches that allow me hope and we all need hope.

Following Up

Just as a very brief follow up to last weeks post, this week I got another email from the army informing me of more jobs I might be interested in. Obviously the left hand and right hand don't converse.

So moving on...
Work has proved very interesting this week. We have recently had a few thefts, now no-one likes to think they are working with a thief and it seemed most others were happy to believe someone from outside made it up stairs into the staff room and had time to go through different lockers on different occasions, without getting caught (keep in mind that we go in and out of there all the time). Moving on the new staff member has been fired, put two and two together. This is a slight problem for me only because I need to have some of monday off for a job interview and I can't get someone to cover my shift. I can breath a small sigh of relief because before this all happened I had gotten approval to take an extended lunch to cover my interview. Then I rock up to work on friday and another person is trying to find someone to cover their shift. I told them that wasn't going to happen and asked why and was told they hadn't realised they were working and had made a drs appt and were supposed to catch up with their friends. Ummm okay but if they didn't read their roster properly isn't that their stuff up? Is not the onus then on them to reschedule their stuff? Apparently not as far as they are concerned. So when the manager gets back on monday we may be severely understaffed and I will be making things much harder for the people I work with and that I feel bad for, do others simply not have this work ethic? The more I see in retail the more I think a good work ethic is becoming a rarer thing. Getting out will be a good thing methinks.

Life Marches On

Well this week was trying. That is the nicest way to put it. My frustration with work seems to be on an ever increasing curve. Any one who has ever working in retail knows that some customers are just a pain in the butt. I know this, I've dealt with my fair share of them. One particularly painful one this week caused me more than a little grief, and has solidified my desire to find a new job.
Truthfully I feel as though my brain basically turns to mush when I go to work. The only time I really think is when I'm writing during my moments at the register. Shelving and asking 'Is there anything I can help you with today?', requires exactly no thought power what so ever. I could probably do it in my sleep.
So this week I updated my CV, not just made sure that all the details were up to date but gave it a complete overhaul. So now I am in possession of a great and professional looking CV.

There's just one thing sitting in the back of my mind, and in more honest moments like now more at the front. I am close to 40. I have lived and worked in two countries, I have a degree and an associate diploma and I've run my own small business but... It's the but that keeps creeping up on me. Who is going to give a woman of my age a chance at a new career? Do I think I can do these jobs I'm applying for? Sure? Will there be things I need to learn? Sure but every new job is like that. I'm not a stupid person but I am passionate and have my dreams, and I'm not ready to let them go, it's just I'm ready to find a different way to live while still working on them. I want to learn more things. I want to do more things. I want a change and a challenge. I thrive on a challenge. I love to be pushed. But... who is going to look beyond a CV filled mostly with retail and hospitality experience to the potential I believe I have? 

Sometimes I want to jump up and down and say 'experience in life counts', and 'I've been working since I was 10' (my first job was stacking shelves), 'my work ethic is solid just give me a chance'.

Here I am; sitting at my desk on a Saturday night, blogging and applying for jobs, in between doing dishes, being a mother and wanting to write all night instead of thinking I'd better go to bed earlier than that because my munchkins will want my attention on the morrow. 

Life, it surely does march on. Here's to challenge, focus, passion and a drive to do something more.

Week Off

I am now at the end of my week off. Sadly in this week I did not win lotto so I have to go back to work next week.
On the up side school went back and it looks like Miss 8's teacher isn't going to make it easy for her to slack off this year, which is a very good thing. Also Miss 4 has now started full time education and seems to love it.
All this meant I had three days to indulge in writing and such.
Yesterday though things hit somewhat of a wall. This feeling and place is not all that unfamiliar to me. The truth is I get down periodically. It's a frustration and a need to find change. In short I'm bored with certain things in my life. At the moment the main source of that frustration is my job. I know how silly, I am a grown woman who is frustrated with work. Oh I like reading still but I think I've mastered the job I have. Oh by no means to I think I know everything, it's a changing landscape so there is always more to learn and experience, but retail?
Well truthfully it's the retail side of things that irritates me. Some customers are awesome others not so much. I am bored with having to deal with customers, those who have no idea what they are talking about and those who believe because you work in retail you don't have a brain. Firstly loads of people who work in retail are doing it while they study. Also there are those like me who went back into the work force after quite a bit of time out who take what they can get. Me I have a degree and an associate diploma but not having actively used them means many people look over you.
The other problem I have is retail offers very little in the way of challenge and advancement. Sure I could try for management but the pay isn't all that great when you consider the hours you are expected to work and the fact you don't often get to have weekends and the like to spend with friends and family.
Retail has a high turnover because it's pay stinks yet so much is expected of those who work in the industry. My hourly rate is less than I got paid 10 years ago in hospitality. I have a family to feed and increasing utilities to deal with. Admittedly I am fortunate to work specific hours that mean I still have time to spend with my kids. A lot of parental types are not so lucky. You work what hours they want you to work or you don't have a job.
I was talking to an acquaintance and she said she got hassled at work, which proclaimed to be a family friendly environment, every time she needed to take time to be with one of her kids. Then they had a restructure thrust upon them and were told they had to adapt to the new rules which erased all their flex time and meant they had to work longer hours to fit in with the other side of the country. How is this family friendly? Bottom line is it's not.
I would like a job that could challenge me intellectually, push me to learn new things to excel in other areas. I know I can do it, when I started in books I loved to read but had no knowledge of kid's books, I got thrust there because I had kids. Now I have a blog, I write for another blog, I have built up quite a decent network of industry contacts, all off my own back. I know I can learn, I know I can adapt but so many jobs aren't interested in your potential to learn and excel they are interested in your most recent experience or piece of paper showing your qualifications.
My life isn't over yet, there are other strands I'm looking to pursue, new things that will push me into new spheres. There are even things I would love to study but the courses range from $2000 to upwards of $20000 and when you are a parent in a low income family every dollar is strictly budgeted and $2000 for a course may as well be $20000.
Maybe I need to find an old fashioned benefactor. Someone with money to burn who is willing to take a chance on a mature kinda girl who just wants to experience some different things. I know I have potential I just wonder if I can advertise for that kind of thing on Craigslist or ebay. Maybe a video plea on youTube. If I get that desperate I promise to post a link.

Resolutions

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I kind of don't see the point. I like the intention but the idea of forming them the way people do, as often unattainable challenges for the year, well I don't see the point. However I do find the change of year a good time to evaluate life. Where it's going, what I'm doing and am I any closer to achieving what I want out of it.
The last few years I've really felt that THIS year is the year things are going to change for us and we will get our breakthrough. Needless to say we are still here and there hasn't been anything I would consider to be a breakthrough. Survival yes, breakthrough, not so much. So I've decided not to seek out a breakthrough this year. In fact I'm going to do my best to ignore the thought all together. Now that I've voiced it though it may not be so easy.
In the past I've decided I'm going to be more organised, somehow it never really lasts. This year I've just started being more organised. I write down certain things I need to do and make sure I do them. I know simple really isn't it. Always is when I start and I always start with the best intentions. I've managed it for two weeks so far.
The other thing is I think I need a career change. I know I want one. The way I'm thinking of going  isn't a place I've thought of going before and if it wasn't for a chance encounter then I never would have considered it. Now I've done more than consider it, I've researched it and when the applications open I'm going for it. I still want to be a writer and act but I really want something that will challenge me and do more than put the food on the table. A house would be nice too. The thing with decisions like this is they often require great change. They require the willingness to leap out into the great unknown and take a chance.
A bit like faith in a way. We all know I struggle with that. I feel that many times I've flung myself out there and only just survived by the tips of my fingers. This year though seems like it may be a year of guts, courage and the ability to shut your eyes and say 'to hell with it'. My thoughts at this point are 'I hope you are in this God but I'm not waiting for you to say yay or nay, I'm flinging myself at this door anyway. If it's nay it'll hurt when I slam into the door but at least I will have tried.'
This year may not be a year of failed resolutions or breakthrough, but I hope at least to look back on it in 12 months and know it was the year I did my best.

Hmmm...

Life has been busy.
I'd prefer it wasn't work busy, then again it's not exactly busy at work, it's just work - a way to waste 6 hours a day.
Last week though I mixed things up a little - I didn't have lunch rather I fasted that meal. Now fasting one meal a day may not mean much but here's what that added up to - 3 extra hours of prayer time and in a life where prayer time is well, just when ever, then I figure it's not a bad thing.
To be honest I only fasted because God dropped into my mind to do so and I didn't know what to expect from it. I have to say though it was a good experience, I was a little calmer and even though I was and am still frustrated about lack of certain things moving forward I do at the moment feel more hopeful for the future. And that can't be a bad thing.

My Big Busy Life

Big, bad, busy life.

Well not really bad. It's just very busy for me at the moment and sure it would have been much nicer if the agent my manuscript was with hadn't sent me a no but such is it. Anyway I'm doing pretty good. I don't think I wanted to work with that particular agent. Couldn't really tell you why just a feeling I've got.

Besides I've got so much going on at the mo what with work, the play, the calendar and the short film. Also there is something very possibly exciting that I can't talk about. Rest assured as soon as I can, if it ever gets to that point, then I will. Part of me is terrified of this thing I'm working on and part of me thrilled, excited and obsessed - just a little. Like I really have time to be obsessed.

Work is hard at the moment though. I'm struggling with the conservatism. The music is sleep inducing, the pace at which they tend to work is slow and I still think some of the things they do just don't make sense. My old job may have bugged me on occasion but the people I worked with made it worth it. I don't feel quite that way about this job. I don't know how long I will last at this, there are some good things - the free books for instance, but so often the ones I want don't get Advance Reading Copies handed out. Still sometimes it's the little things that make it worth it.

End of an Era - Trying of Patience

These last few weeks have been fairly terrible at work. I probably shouldn't have agreed to stick it out to the end. I'm not the sort of person who tolerates stupidity easily and for the record things like "can you tell me how much this is?" followed by them wanting me to work our what 20% off $20 is, is something I consider stupid. And there has been a lot of stupid over the last how ever many weeks the store was closing. (FYI we shut the doors on friday just gone). I also consider "is everything on sale?" a stupid question when there are signs everywhere saying 'everything is on sale'.

Also I happen to think it's rude to expect me to tell you what I will be doing when the store closes, especially when I've never seen you before. I have little patience for small talk with strangers at the best of times. I wonder how it became polite to ask complete strangers 'How are you doing today?' when you really couldn't give a toss. All you really want is to hear the words 'good and you?'. Then they get annoyed when I don't answer them.

Just when I think I may be doing better with my patience issues, something like this comes along and reminds me that I really can be a very prickly, short tempered person. Oh well I suppose it is always good to remind ourselves that we aren't perfect. Bring on working at an actual bookstore.

The End is Closing In

We finally got our final store closing notification this week.

It has been a mix of good and bad days recently. Some people are really nice about it, understanding even, others however are rude and obnoxious. When I couldn't tell a person if we had a particular book she retorted that 'it was no wonder we were closing'. I tried explaining that our systems were no longer accurate but well people just don't understand. They don't care to understand.

The other thing is I am finding it somewhat difficult to get motivated to apply for other jobs. I have managed to do so though. A couple of interesting possibilities so I guess we'll see what happens.

There has also been a lot of prayer but to be honest it has felt one directional. I don't feel abandoned by God and I feel stressed that I don't feel stressed. I know that sounds silly but it's how I feel. It's as if I should be more worried about the future yet I can't be. It takes me back to that verse 'who can add a day to their lives by worrying', or words to that effect.

I feel it will all work out I just don't know how and I'd really like it not to go down to the wire. Especially with lease renewal coming up and rent increasing.

Sometimes it's nice to day dream about what I would really like to happen and that includes having a house of our own and the money to study the courses we would like to.

I'm happy to keep working, though who wouldn't like to have the money to just write and make films and music (fill in your own great fantasy here).

Stayed tuned to this station.

Ends and Beginnings

This has been a tough week.

It's no secret that I struggle with church, but we have started going fairly regularly, the girls finally have found a place they feel comfortable and I enjoy a place that teaches things I haven't heard seventeen times before. So I find it a little annoying or frustrating that an opportunity for hubby has gone south (though there was peace that came with that decision along with the frustration that we don't know when or if another door with that potential will open again). On top of that, my work finally announced this week that it is over, it's doors will be closing. Not unexpected but sad none the less.

With sadness comes uncertainty. They haven't told us when we will be closing, they've announced in a press release the definite final day but if we sell through our stock before then, then we close earlier. We have been told very little. I'm hoping on a proper redundancy but that doesn't seem very likely.

In all this uncertainty I've been trying to be positive and view it as an opportunity. To hold on to God, even push in closer. It would be nice to have more time at home to write, but I'm really going to miss my books. I found a job I was really good at and now it's no longer there. I have to trust. I've been repeating like some sort of mantra, 'I trust you with my family God'. At the moment it's all I really have the strength to do.

I know this is an opportunity but that doesn't mean I can't be sad for what I'm losing.

Hoping things will be more positive next week.

Holiday Week

Sure I tell myself it's a holiday but I can't really say I've had any time off. Especially not with children at home and so much going on otherwise. My new website is keeping me busy and I've started a twitter account, I'm finding it quite addictive. It's also proving to be quite informative. I think I'm finally getting a handle on how to manage social media. My kids book site has had over 200 hits in two weeks and I'm really happy with that. I've added other sections, like news and classics I just need to get around to writing some recommends lists.

Like I said keeping me busy.

We were planning on spending a couple of nights on an island but ditched that idea when it turned out it was going to cost us more to go across for two days than it would to go down south. We have settled probably for a day trip on a day we can get a discount.

Then there is other stuff going on with hubby an his band. Too much stuff really.

And if all this wasn't enough I have submitted one entry for a writing comp and am about to submit another. Then I had to say no to a friend. The thing she wanted was huge and I really just need some time to myself. It's hard, I feel bad for saying no but I really had to.

I've been busy but this week has felt so good. So busy with my head in books or a pen in my hand. I have one more week off and to be honest I really wish this could be my life. Writing, reading, blogging, trying to inspire people and kids to read.