Temper, Temper

I am imperfect. This is really no surprise to anyone who knows me. I think like most people I have certain traits I need to work on again and again. For me one of these things is my temper. It became abundantly clear this week with a lot of crap going on at work that I need to work on myself again. Things are a mess and instead of just accepting it and doing the best I can in the given circumstance, I get really tense. I get fired up and I seem to blow that switch in my head that separates thoughts from what I say. I did that this week and hubby cautioned me to watch myself.

I need to take a step back and relearn how to prioritise the big picture rather than just my section of it. I need to relearn how to go off and take a few deep breaths and come back calmer. I need to remember that I can’t control everything no matter how much I may want to. Not that I want that much responsibility.

So here’s the thing. Some times there are things in our lives that we struggle or strive to overcome and there are times we think when we conquer it that we are done. We think we will only ever have to do that once, like a test in school, we pass so we never have to sit it again. Unfortunately this doesn’t seem to be the case. For me, and so I guess I’m assuming for others as well, there are things that we will have to work on for the rest of our lives. Addicts are an easily recognised example of this. Once an alcoholic always one, some are simply reformed and fighting everyday not to give back in to the temptation. There are some things though that can be more subtle, like my temper. I’ve gotten the better of it and calmed myself down and managed to handle things better more than once in my life and now, when I finally find a job I mostly enjoy and am pretty good at, stuff happens and I find myself where I was years ago telling myself to work on my control.

So this is just a heads up to not turn a blind eye to the things you’ve had victory over before, be vigilant and hopefully you will see the signs and be able to turn the situation around early on, unlike me.

When the Going Gets Tough

The last couple of weeks have been tough, emotionally. One day I came home from work and I’d been in the house for less than five minutes with the girls saying ‘mummy I want,’ ‘mummy can I’, ‘mummy…’ and I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor in front of the fridge in tears.

There’s just so much I want out of life, there’s so much I try to do and it seems that just when I start to smooth things out; the real estate agent gets on my case about rent I’d already paid but they’d lost, or work goes to crap because the powers that be…well who knows what they’re thinking, the mechanic makes excuses for why he didn’t do all the work he was supposed to.

It’s so hard to stay focussed and on target sometimes.

Then into all this I find out a close friend who has been faithful in doing what he believes God has told him to do even when it’s been tough, had a cancer removed from his bowel. They think they got it all.

And so I end up sitting on the floor of the shower, crying and pouring out all my frustration to God because I just don’t know what else to do. All I know is that I can’t be the only one who wonders why they try when things seem to fall into place for those who turn their backs on God.

I wonder and I question and I cry because I don’t know what else to do.

Faith The Size Of A Mustard Seed

God does things in spite of us. His ability to heal isn’t reliant on us. His ability to move mountains isn’t reliant on us. He has a plan we don’t always understand. I think this is the underlying message of the story of having faith the size of a mustard seed. We can question, struggle but if under it all we still believe. God can use that.

I have to believe that. I have to believe it because I believe in God, I believe he has a calling for me, I believe he cares, I believe he can open doors that need to be opened for me, yet I still struggle and question.

I believe I am on the right path when I tread the creative road, no matter how difficult it can be at times. I have to believe that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed or I have no way to continue to stand and try.

Thank You

I don’t experience depression like I used to. I used to spend many hours feeling bleak, down, stuck in the boggy quicksand trying to see where in my life there was value. If I were to let you go over my poetry from that period you would see some of it was incredibly…well depressing.

Now it’s kind of a different beast. It’s not as all encompassing, dragging me down for days at a time and I no longer try to hurt myself in an effort to relieve it. Though admittedly there are days I really wasn’t to hit something. I also know my life has value, I have an awesome family so how could I think otherwise.

So what is my problem you may wonder? Mostly I guess in one way or another you could classify it as self-doubt. I know what makes me happy. I know where my dreams and passions pull me, but I’m not even close to fruition and so I wonder. I doubt. I question. Why can’t I give up? Why do I think I can do these things? Am I a good enough writer? Can I actually act? And around the questions and doubts circle.

I sometimes watch something and wish I could be doing that. Other times I see someone on a screen and think their acting is terrible yet they get paid to do what I love so does that mean my acting is worse? Self-doubt, self pity, depression.

Fortunately it doesn’t often last very long because I know I can’t really give either of them up. I know, I’ve tried. Also I hold desperately onto the words of those who owe me nothing – the director who’s worked in the West End who said I have the ability; the theatre manager who said the show I wrote was good; the writing mentor who rang me up to tell me to keep writing because the only reason I didn’t get the mentorship was because there was someone who wrote in his genre and he felt he was better equipped to help them.

And all the people who have told me that my words have touched them.

Friends and family certainly help but I extend a gracious thankyou to those who have encouraged me without being invested in my mindset.