One Year Ends

It's that time of year when we inevitably think about that which has been and that which we hope for in the coming year.

The one just gone has had highs and lows, a lot of people I know say they had a crap year but I wonder if they are forgetting to look at the bits in between. It's easy to focus on the highly emotional moments be they good or bad, though often the good gets second place. It is also easy to over look the stuff that holds the year together, the slog of the days, the small moments of joy that can be found in a good coffee, a meal with a friend, a night out without the kids.

There was much goodness in 2010 and I certainly hope there will be more in 2011. I have plans and hopes and no matter how many times I've felt hard done by or just plain crap at how life's treating me I know I am loved, that balances a lot of the crap out.

Love is something we very easily seem to take for granted so I am going to take a moment to say 'I love my girls and my hubby', even though there are times they bug me to distraction. I know I'm not always the easiest to get along with but my girls randomly throwing their arms around me or even plonking themselves down on my chair and saying simply 'I love you mum', is a joy I should never take for granted.

To the man in my life who puts up with me and balances me out - you make it worth it. I love you.

To those of you who just feel crap as many do when they look back, I would suggest you look between the lines and failing that stop looking back altogether. Yes we can learn from the past but dwelling in it isn't a good thing. If a new year is good for nothing else it is a great opportunity for us all to say goodbye to that which was and open ourselves to the possibilities the future holds. So I wish you all a blessed and prosperous new year, one filled with dreams and joy.

It's That Time Of Year Again

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last wrote. It is the silly or festive season, depending on your perspective. For me it's a bit of both. Work is busy, I'm trying to fit in writing, exercise, Christmas prep and time with friends. There are times I wish I could just check out for a few hours, and I seem to have been doing that by gaming.

Any way I have done all my gift shopping, hubby still has one to pick up, the girls are sorted and arrangements have been made to change the usual family deal to our place. It's going to be strange this year as my baby bro has just moved to NZ for a year. I do mean just, he flew out on Monday.

So I will keep this short and sweet, maybe I will blog between now and the new year but maybe not so I'll give you my blessings for this Christmas season and the new year now. Take care and stay safe.

Less Religion

I'm reading 'More Jesus, Less Religion' (Arterburn & Felton). I know it's been a long time since I've picked up a book dealing with christianity. I'm really liking it though. There is a lot that say that in my mind I find myself going, well at least someone out there sees things like I do.

For me religion has become so structured and organised. If you don't fit in to the box labeled christian it seems sometimes that the church just doesn't know what to do with you.

I was at a service last week and they were talking about their vision for the youth and kids. While they were talking I was thinking that maybe I could get involved with some sort of youth programme, after all it is one of the issues I feel strongly about. Thing is from past experience I'm not sure how well I fit into these sort of programmes. I'm more a sort of come in for a one off thing. I guess that's why I sort of hope the YA novel I'm working on will get publication, because that would open the door to speaking engagements. It's not the speaking itself that drives me but the fact I could openly talk about some things I know others avoid.

I don't know, I'm going to leave this in God's hands, it's not something I plan on pursuing actively in itself.

Speaking in front of others doesn't scare me so much. Talking about my past and the rough things I've experienced doesn't even particularly bother me. Being treated as a joke does but that's a fear a lot of us share. Truthfully I don't want to limit myself to a church environment.

There is still a long way to go with the novel though and I really must make sure I don't get ahead of myself.

Short and Sweet

This is going to be short. This week has included epiphany, hard work, submissions and some interesting thought directions. So these few sentences are just to let you know I haven't forgotten to blog, I've been busy and need some time to sort out what to write. Things are happening I'm just not really sure what. So I'll take a few days and come up with something far more coherent.

A Little Brighter

I want to thank those who offer their encouragement and support, you know who you are and I am incredibly grateful that you are in my life.

I still wish I didn't have to fight so hard for what I want, but now I am refreshed a little and able to face it with at least a bit of a smile on my face. Though with the weather heating up I'm not so sure my smiling will last if I keep up my running.

I am content to say I believe and yet I struggle. This in no way makes me unique I know this I also know that sometimes its hard to see a way out when you feel so stuck in the darkness. It just takes a little while sometimes to realise that the darkness isn't complete and doesn't mean I'm swamped in evil. Just a little down.

This week has been something I really needed, a week off work. It's no secret that work and I aren't on the best of terms at the moment and to be honest this has been a great week one I wish I could continue in. I know everyone feels that way after time off. It's not so much that I long to stay home and game or do nothing, rather that I wish I could stay home and write. More than anything I know in my heart that this is my passion and what I am meant to do. So I will persevere. I'm pretty good at that, and trust in the knowledge that one day...

Till then I will believe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Now For Something Deeper

I started a blog a bit ago about this woman in her 30's who died while car surfing. Stupid thing to do yes. Even more stupid when you consider she was doing it on a car driven by an unlicensed 16 year old, and the woman's kids were in the car. So in short what kind of idiot does that? I'm sorry it's sad for her kids to have seen that but what was she thinking?

Moving on now because I know I could go on about not acting your age or being responsible for your actions and their consequences but what would be the point, I'd probably be preaching to the converted. So to other matters.

I think I had an epiphany of sorts this week. It's been a really tough time recently. And before you say anything like 'well it's coz you're not going to church', I'd like to stop you and say this toughness is no different to when we were. We got ripped off this week as well as everything else. Though usually when we take a step forward something happens with the car so this at least was a new twist.

I've been thinking a lot about my faith. I sometimes miss church but to be honest I really love being able to relax and do nothing with my mornings on the weekend.

I talk to God everyday, and to be honest there are days I'm not sure he listens, because it really feels as though nearly every prayer I've prayed has been unanswered or answered no. So where does this leave me?

I shouldn't just believe because I expect something in return I have blogged about that before. I believe there is a God and he created me. I believe he is capable of performing miracles but I don't believe he can be bothered doing one for me.

This was my epiphany. I believe he can, I just don't think he will for me. Interesting isn't it? I have been obedient and had it shoved in my face. Hubby had been obedient and things have gotten harder.

It was simpler when rent wasn't so high and we didn't have to think about the girls because I always have their interests, needs and wants in the back of my mind.

When hubby was fully into worship and playing conferences and stuff it was less stressful, not because our circumstances were much better but because we had less responsibility.

I am sick of taking one step forward and being shoved three steps backwards. And yes that is how it feels. I write what I believe God has put in me to write and what happens, someone tries to rip me off and then nothing. We believe for what we feel God has put in our hearts to believe for and we end up in the red. The guys start work on a worship album and we get ripped off.

I'm tired. That's what this all boils down to. I'm so tired. God said to rest in him and that's fine but when I don't believe he will really provide for MY family I absolutely can't stop. I know he can and does for others. I've believed for it and seen it. But with the stuff some of our closest friends are going through and they have been incredibly faithful, and with what we've been through, I'm really struggling with being able to trust that God has my best interests at heart.

I am so tired.

In Brief

It's so very hard to get motivated at the moment. I have a half finished blog that I will hopefully post during the week sometime but to be honest I'm tired of trying and pushing and making the effort.

Friday contained a conversation with my boss where he told me I ought to spend some time considering my options because I'd lost my sparkle. Which is my fault of course and nothing to do with the fact we don't see bugger all books anymore. I'm unashamedly a book person, not a toy person and I don't think they like the fact that I don't appreciate having my kids book section ripped to pieces to make way for crappy toys.

So I daydreamed and even real dreamed about starting my own book store, shopped for a good location and bought a lotto ticket. (You have to wonder when your boss suggests that that's what you should do). Then I went out with a girlfriend and we polished off a bottle of wine and sat through a very silly but hugely fun action pic RED.

The perfect remedy to a crappy week.

I guess I didn't get back to being serious yet.

Week From Hell

To be honest this has been one hell of a week. The YA novel I'm working on deals with some painful issues such as self harm and so I'm in a rough head space so it's not a good time for things at work to be going all to hell.

Now I knew we would be getting toys, didn't like the idea but head office do so I knew there was nothing I could do about that. What I didn't realise at the the time was that my book lines would be getting cut in half. I'm a book person, I've made no secret about that but when I have to keep shrinking my book shelves and replacing entire bays with toys I can't help but see the end.

It all came to a head this week when I was left rather an abrupt note outlining what I needed to do, don't put toys in characters sections, don't have clocks in three places (though as yet we don't have a clock section) and so on. Actually I had two notes the first had such insulting things on it like if new toys come in fill up the gaps in the toy bay. Sadly I have to admit that the second note and instructions to put some toys on clip strips running down the walls pushed me over the edge, I went out the back and cried.

Seriously I cried. Now my personal choice would have been to scream, rant, swear and hit things, but Andy isn't there any more so those choices are no longer really an option. I was a bit disappointed with myself for crying over work, seriously what grown woman should be doing that? Admittedly one with a history of anger management problems and self-harm issues, but still.

Here's the thing though, and it wasn't till I'd ripped a few colleagues heads off that it came to me. I put my heart into building up that section and now they were pulling the heart out of it. I just need to keep reminding myself that what I have is simply a retail job and it pays my bills. Somehow I have to figure out how to not care about my work.

Church Family

I have been thinking a bit about church. Recently we visited one we used to go to regularly. We'd left there on okay terms but we'd left because they'd wanted us to do things we just didn't want to. In a way this has influenced my church involvement since. I admit to having a very wide stubborn streak and I question quite a lot. One of the questions that gets asked repeatedly is 'why do I have to do it your way?'

So I wonder were is the line between rebellion and not wanting to be too religious (what's the word they used to describe the pharisees - nope can't think of it so strictly religious will have to do)?

Anyway I haven't figured that one out yet, and i just don't want to be trapped in a box, yet when I say no it's like 'oh well you obviously aren't a very good christian'. You know what I'm not but I do try.

Anyway, back to visiting our old church. We were warmly welcomed and while sitting in the service I realised it felt like home and church hasn't felt that way for me in a very long time. Here's the thing about home though it's not without it's problems. You go and visit your parents and it feels like home but it comes fully equipped with disagreements, arguments and varying points of view. Home isn't always full of people who agree and like each other but it is still home.

Maybe this is a key I've never fully realised. Oh sure I've understood that we are all created differently, I guess I just thought we should accept the difference better or something. If we truly are family though that changes things a little. We may not always get along or do things the same way but blood is still blood and we are all purchased with the shed blood of Christ and that should trump circumstances any day of the week.

Strange Week

It's been kind of a strange week for me. When I found out I didn't make the writers short list, so therefore no trip to Qld I thought I'd be a lot more disappointed. I don't know why I wasn't. Immediately I sent off two submissions and through myself into forging forward.

I have also been busy at work, not happily busy I have to say but busy keeps my mind occupied and means I don't have time to dwell on things. I had to pull 21 pages of book titles off my shelves for a 50% markdown. My line manager suggested I should be happy to be getting rid of my dead stock. Problem is not all of it is dead stock. My other concern is that I won't be sent books to fill my shelves but toys. This is a big problem for me. When I started it was a bookstore, now they want to be a gift store. An overpriced gift store. This isn't something I haven't said to my managers in one way or another. When I noticed an item had gone up by 20% in time for it to be placed on the promo poster for the holidays I expressed my disgust only to be told there was nothing I could do about it. I know that but I still had to let someone know what I thought.

Books I can sell, toys I have no interest in selling. A customer asked me the other day for a recommendation, I started going through my list when she said she didn't want a book she wanted a nicknack. my response was, "I have no idea, I'm a kid's book specialist I suggest you pick something the child will be interested in." I know that won't win me points with the company but I don't care. I was hired as a kids book specialist not a toy expert.

On top of all of that you can buy toys that are just as nice if not nicer down the post office for a lot less.

So bottom line life goes on and not always as we hope. Next time I'm sure I'll write something deeper. So till then have a good one.

Suicide

It seems this week that there have been an abundance of youth suicides. A sentence that never should be written. I can’t name them but Ellen mentions some here.

The issue I want to talk about isn’t sexuality, it’s bullying. If I’m really honest I have to admit I’ve struggled with the idea of killing yourself because of being bullied. Partly, no probably mostly because I was teased and picked on a lot at school. Though I remember school being hell at times and I’m sure there were times it bought me to tears, it never once entered my head to kill myself.

Suicide is not a new topic of interest for me. When I was 15 I knew a girl who had tried or at least thought about it. I remember being totally appalled with the fact that this girl had come back to the hostel after a weekend at home with fresh cut marks on both her wrists and one of the adult supervisors saw them and did nothing. When I was at uni I researched the topic for a news story and received a lot of grief from my lecturer in front of my peers, deriding my concerns and idea and asking if I was going to ‘tell people how to kill themselves’.

Like I said earlier I was bullied but I took refuge in books and more often than not the fact that I was smarter than those who teased me gave me the grounds to mentally dismiss what they said. Don’t get me wrong it all left it’s mark and contributed to my period of self-harm, these issues I deal with in greater depth here.

Recently a point I heard or read somewhere finally really registered with me. Bullying is different now. I used to dismiss this but when I think about it I realise it is true. It is much harder to get away from now. In my day it pretty much didn’t leave the playground. Now mobile phones, social networking and the internet all mean that it can be with you 24/7 and it can be there for all the world to see.

It makes me so angry and it breaks my heart.

I struggle to understand how we let go of responsibility so much that an issue like this can spin out of control and reach such epic proportions.

One thing I know is that that kind of brutal behaviour would never have been tolerated in my house. If either of my parents had ever found out I’d done something like that, there would have been hell to pay in one way or another.

I’m not about to say any one thing is to blame here. Yes children can be cruel. Yes they copy behaviour modelled for them. Yes adults don’t always model respect. There is a strong acceptance of the idea that ‘it’s not my fault’ for things such as drugs, alcoholism, domestic abuse and flat out other criminal activities. Added to this the prevailing thought that greed very well may be good.

Things need to change. Irrespective of colour, creed, race, religion, eye colour, sex or sexuality, it is time we started to stand for the fact that we are all people. Different yes but that makes us no less deserving of a little basic respect.

Please hear my prayer, my plea – if you are bullied you need to know that you are not alone and you are worth something. Words may seem cheap in the midst of what can be overwhelming and all encompassing emotions but there is love and support for you. There are networks and groups (To Write Love On Her Arm, is just one). And mostly there are survivors. There is light somewhere ahead, please hang on.

And if you need to hear that from someone else :

“We're all worried, we're all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and having ears. But just remember one thing - it can't get any worse, it can only get better. High school is the bottom, being a teenager sucks, but that's the point, surviving it is the whole point... So just hang on and hang in there.” Mark Hunter (Christian Slater) Pump Up The Volume (1990)

Masterchef@home

An interesting thought popped into my head this week and that was there were probably people who thought my hubby was lazy and took advantage of me. The reason I’m bringing this up is two fold: 1) I never really considered this; 2) I’ve never understood women who let themselves be walked over and their dreams ignored, in favour of their partner.

Strangely this all spring-boarded from cooking. I know that’s strange but none-the-less…

Last weekend I hit a really low point. It was closing week of the show I was doing, work was being a pain and I haven’t been sleeping well. It all culminated with me having a mini break apart something along the lines of ‘You need to step up because I can’t keep doing all this anymore. When you were working I did everything around the house, now I’m working I’m still doing it all. From now on you need to cook two meals a week.’

This may not seem like much but it was a big thing for me to ask. I don’t like to admit I’m not coping and I don’t like to ask for help. Also hubby has often said he’s not good at cooking anything except spaghetti bolognaise.

To tie this into my two points, not long ago a friend said she thought he wasn’t carrying his share of the weight. I just excused it as a creative low. Yes he has been in one of those but it’s no excuse. Some of our problem (because when it involves family it becomes our) was him but in some ways the bigger part of the problem was me. I didn’t ask or let him know I was struggling. Cooking is something I mostly don’t mind doing and I didn’t want to live on spaghetti every night so I only asked him to cook on occasion. Guess what though? It turns out with a little practice cooking is something he is going to be fairly good at and I think he actually enjoys it.

So he has stepped up, in fact he did nearly all the cooking this last week. And our eldest is interested in learning so they will get the chance to do some of that together. Another bonus as far as I can see.

Moving on to point two. It may seem that the two points aren’t connected but just bear with me. There are women who do everything for their partner’s and it often seems as though they do little for themselves. I have wondered, I admit, why they let their partner dictate their whole life. I didn’t see that from the outside my life probably looked a bit like that because I have a tendency to do everything and let hubby do whatever he wants. Part of the reason I didn’t see it was because I still get to write and play at the theatre. He has never asked me nor expected me to give up those things. Yes a lot more money has gone on his pursuits than mine but mine don’t require much equipment and he is always encouraging me to spend more money on myself. So I’ve never really thought of it as being taken advantage of.

The dynamic of our relationship is a natural state of unbalance, he’s a phleg personality and I ‘m a choleric; that is he’s laid back (yes sometimes lazy) and I’m ‘let’s do it now and the right way which is my way’. He is not inclined to volunteer to do something I seem okay doing and I’m not inclined to ask him to help. Somewhat of an impasse really.

So what have I learnt? Sometimes things aren’t what they seem if you are on the outside looking in. And sometimes when you are inside looking out you can’t see what’s really there. Also sometimes the problem isn’t always the other person (it’s often hard to see the problems with ourselves).

Thankyou God for eyes to see, courage to ask for help, a husband who hears and does and the wisdom of friends.

Drab Is Coming

I have to say I really struggled this week. Not so much with faith, I am quite alright with our decision to go to a different church every other week. It gives us the chance to experience different preaching, church styles and catch up with friends.

No my struggle has mostly been with work.

After having just been told they (the powers that be) don't want the stores to lose their character and passion we have just received a litany of new regulations.

* Uniforms - one must always act on your best behaviour when wearing the company logo...(I don't mind a uniform so much but excuse me you can't tell me what I can and can't say and do when I'm outside of work hours, irrespective of a logo on my uniform)

* No water bottles on the shop floor (this came in a week or two ago) - a stupid regulation because apparently we aren't allowed to drink water apart from when on our breaks - three hours with nothing to drink, excuse me I drink two bottles of water a day and do a lot of walking and lifting stuff.

* No visible tattoos and piercings - there is certain staff members gone.

* Obviously coloured hair is discouraged - guess that's me gone. (What gives them the right to tell me what colour my hair should be? It's not like we work in some boutique/upper class place.

Now I work where I do for two reasons 1) it's a book shop

2) I could keep my own style and personality

Thing is we aren't a bookstore any more - they want us to be a gift store (I've spent more time organising toys and sidelines than books in this last week) and now they are killing off my personality.

You can bet though they still want me to do things like holiday dress-ups. It isn't going to happen, I'm sorry you can't kill my individuality off and still expect me to jump through hoops when you want.

Please oh please won't somebody pay me to write instead.

About four more weeks before I find out if I made the cut for the Writers Retreat.

Update

Well it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I have been really busy, mostly editing my novel. Which I have now submitted and feel at somewhat of a loss. There are a few things I may want to blog about but at the moment none spring to mind.

My week was mostly good but then Friday it went to crap. So my plans to actually blog about something of substance have gone out the window as I allow myself time to celebrate making it through the first round of cuts in the manuscript competition. And of course catch up on some reading. This weekend I've already finished the first of Michael Pryor's Laws of Magic, and Robert Muchamore's Shadow Wave, and I've started Suzanne Collins' Mockingjay.

I also have a one act play to learn by tomorrow and a short monologue. Hmmm. Shouldn't be a problem though.

My other plans for this down time include more reading (obviously) I have a pile of books to get through that seems to get bigger by the week. Also, the up-coming One Act season. Taxes. Oh and sitting in on writing sessions of lyrics with the guys.

Today I got to sleep in and sort out a few idea's for kids books and my second Evayn novel.

So all up I've got plenty to keep me busy. I will soon write a blog that is more than simply an update.

Taking Out Religion

Think of it this way, it’s not about blind hope in a deity, rather an understanding of how life works and your place in it.

This is a sentence I wrote after I decided to take religion out of my novel. As I wrote it I questioned how that statement stacked up against my beliefs. On the surface you probably think it doesn’t. Yes I am aware it sounds rather new agey. I think though this statement has come out of my struggle with churchianity.

Yes it is easier in some ways to keep your faith going when you are plugged in to a church but here is the question; is that living, understanding and growing your relationship or is it merely existing – adhering to the parameters put in place by those who run the institution you choose to worship at?

I get how these thoughts in my mind can be confusing, believe me I live with them. So let me break it down a little.

I find services to be uber structured. Yes I understand the need for structure, but if the structure is too rigid then there isn’t a lot of room for God to move. I’ve been in some awesome services where music has opened the floodgates from heaven just not so much recently. Just when I feel on the brink the service moves on and we go to church news or communion.

Now communion should, you might think, not disrupt the flow. For me though I have found it has very little depth in any service any more. As much as the way it was done when I was a kid was very ritualistic, it had far more gravity. Two minutes to think ‘thank you God for saving me’ doesn’t give anyone the chance to truly meditate on the concept that you’re not supposed to come to communion with anything against anyone. Let alone consider and meditate on the breadth and depth of the sacrifice made to make it possible for us to communicate with God personally.

Moving on, we have news, and tithes and offerings. A giving Sunday I attended recently included the plea to give to these charity things we are helping with, oh and we need many times more than that for the new building we want. This conflicts me in a way. I know churches cost money to run but at the same time…

Then there is the sermon. I have gone to church for as long as I can remember and so many sermons are repetitions of what I have heard before. Often these sermons are on a very limited range of topics as well. So I ask are things kept simple only because of new people or is it also to keep our faith simple?

All I know is I find church doesn’t do for me what it used to. My conclusion…I need to feed myself. The early church, I imagine, spent a lot of time talking to each other. They met in houses and they talked. That is what I tend to be doing now. Talking. Not in specific meetings but with others, online and when I catch up with them, friends. In amongst a lot of sad stories we find golden nuggets of truth that help us. Little things that buoy our spirits, help us through and give us the wisdom we seek for our lives.

So all this comes down to understanding life, the way it works, how faith weaves through it and finding out our place in it. So my original statement is not as far from faith as it may have originally seemed.

Quick Update

Well hello lovely people. I didn't post last week because for the first time in years hubby had a saturday off so I threw a late surprise birthday party for him. It was really great to catch up with friends.

This week I have something written, just not yet on my computer, thing is I really need to get my editing done. I have about 110 pages left and need to get it done this week. So things should be back to normal soon. I promise. Some interesting things are happening. Hubby wants to get back into writing worship amongst other things so stay tuned for upcoming updates.

Also I start rehearsals this week. Life is busy...crazy, and we're facing it head on. Got to go and I love you lot. Stay strong.

The Nerd In Me Is Doomed

Things just seem to have crossed my path this week that beg to be blogged about. The Vatican, the state of Australian politics, the arts scene in WA. The one though I really want to focus on is the Westboro Baptist Church. You may or may not have heard of these people and I should clarify they aren't affiliated with the Baptist Churches organisation.

These people protest at funerals of US soldiers because they died fighting for a country that defends gays. They are obviously anti-gay amongst other things, and ridiculously narrow minded. It seems they are only happy when picking on someone.

Now they have turned their attention to the geeks of this world. They have issued a statement about how nerds, especially those who read comic books are idolatrous - worshipping at the altar of Batman and Green Lantern.

"It is time to put away the silly vanities and turn to God like you mean it. The destruction of this nation is imminent - so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry."

This just goes to show how out of touch some people can be and it certainly opens the door to many a joke or jibe about God being a made up figure. Now I know faith gets far more bad press than good and I have no doubt that won't change. Good doesn't equate to good ratings and more it seems we prefer stories that make others appear to be less than what we are.

Thing is the simple fact these people profess to believe in the same God I do is simply embarrassing. (Even though I'm sure there are those out there who find me embarrassing).

The difference is I don't preach hate. Can they not see how destructive hate is, how corrupting? Hate pulls down and tears apart.

On a final note I would like to add I know many who read comics, I've been known to read a few and I don't think God hates me because of it. I'd also like to point out that those I know who are comic readers are under no impression that Batman is real...Deadpool maybe. Anyway it makes me

wonder who is more able to recognise reality - those claiming the nerds are bad because they want Batman to save them, or those who know he is just a fictional character.

To read the statement you can find it here

http://www.asylum.com/2010/07/16/westboro-baptist-church-picket-comic-con/?sms_ss=facebook

Ooops

Well I'm sorry to say I ran out of time on the weekend to blog and there are several topics I could get my teeth into. Thing is though right now I am concentrating on editing my 91000 word manuscript and I have to have it done by mid August. I'm sure I won't miss all these weeks and I'm sure something will get me fired up enough to rant about. So for now I hope you forgive this weeks brief and uninteresting addition.

Talking To God

I was talking to God today, yes I still do that, and in the course of the conversation I felt Him tell me that what I had to do was be happy. This may sound silly but bear with me. It was like He was saying ‘I made you who you are, I gave you the gifts and skills, it isn’t necessary to me that you struggle to fit into the mould the church wants you to. It isn’t your fault if they won’t or can’t stretch to embrace the opportunity.’ That isn’t a direct quote but it was the gist.

It gave me permission to let go of some of those things I’ve been holding onto, including the belief that I’d been given these passions for a reason and somehow the church must be tied up in that.

We also talked about failure, or I did. How in many ways I feel like a failure because so many things I want to achieve, I haven’t. When I was younger I wrote a list of things I wanted to do: countries I wanted to visit – some I have; seeing a show in the West End – I saw five; owning a pair of 501’s – did that and loved them.

Now there are so many other things I want to do and can't seem to, or at least haven’t yet, I’m still working on them. If nothing else I’ve discovered that I’m very persistent.

So then we get onto what is and isn’t failure. For me there is so much I want – I want to act professionally and I want to write professionally. I want to set up trust funds and finance other things, and before you say I can still help with those things by getting involved in other ways, I know myself well enough to know I may not be the best person for that part of things – I’m too impatient and blunt.

God however views things differently. For me the fact our first production didn’t break even, even when we were doing what we truly believed God wanted us to be doing, meant it was a failure. I won’t deny the learning curve was great and to an extent worth it, but still how do you class that as success. God however sees the fact we stepped out when he asked. And in little ways we’ve kept stepping out and for me the slap backs, rejections and disappointments equate to failure. God however sees the faith in the step.

The cynical part of me wonders how and why I should keep holding onto the dream, keep talking to God when we’ve fallen so many times. I see facebook friends post status updates like ‘I want things to happen for me, I’ve made good choices and want to reap a harvest because I’ve put God first’, and the first thing I think is…well that has never worked for me.

No-one cautions that it may not happen. That change may not make it easier. Sometimes they say God’s timing is perfect and His vision may be different to ours, that’s as close as they get to saying – sometimes God wants to take you through the fire again and again.

So yes I feel I’d like a break from the fires God. I want my words to touch many. I want people to see what I can do with a character and value it. You know though – here in the crucible it may hurt and be frustrating beyond measure but it’s here that I have my family. It’s here I stand, feet dug in, sweat, tears and blood dripping, shouting into the wind ‘Is that all you’ve got?’

I will not give up. I may feel like it but I won’t and those who love me won’t let me.

God sees me stand, He sees the tears and sees me get back up when I am down, for me this may be stubborn determination but for Him that is success.

Dammit if my words help just one person to get back on their feet. To not give up on Him because it’s not turned out like they were told it would or hoped it would. If one person realises they aren’t alone and pain is no cause to give up. If just one person is encouraged, then really I should, too, view it as a success.

So to conclude, in the words of two favourite shows:

Never give up, never surrender

If you can’t walk, you crawl, and if you can’t crawl…if you can’t do that anymore you find someone to carry you.

Take heart, you may be walking the narrow road and sometimes that is damn hard but at least you aren’t on it alone.

Happy Birthday To Me

Another week, another year. Birthdays sometimes give us cause to think. They give me cause to think because I'm still not where I want to be and as far as my performing hopes go, this year has been harsh. It makes me wonder how long I can hold onto the words of encouragement from my past. should I still be holding on nearly 15 years later or is it time to move on from those hopes. In the past I haven't been very good at moving past them but I do find myself again wondering if I should try.

Focusing on my writing is proving a little more ego friendly but I'm aiming for financially friendly and I've been writing longer than acting. If I've learnt anything from the times I've tried to give up before it's that I am most happy when I am being creative, so I guess no matter how low I get I will keep on keeping on. It's what I do.

Love you all and may this year be a blessed one for you.

Oh and I'm keeping this short because I have a writing deadline, wish me luck or pray for favour this is something I really want. Next week I'll probably be back to my usual wordy self, my first deadline will have passed and there will be nothing high pressure I can do until I get notified of if I am selected.

Our Little Girls

My seven year old went to a school dance the other night, once she was dressed up with hair and makeup I took a picture and she totally didn’t look seven any more. She has the rib sticking out skinniness of the supermodel yet she eats and junk too. However she has never been a big eater, always a bit fussy.

Food is one of the things we are working on, this isn’t where I was planning on going with this blog though. Where I wanted to go was here…

She was wearing the same dress she’d worn to the previous dance, long skirt, halter-neck top with a v neck line. Last time she looked sweet and this time she looked like a mini model. Last time her hair and makeup wouldn’t have been so elaborate and it surprised me that such a small change made so much difference. There wasn’t anything particularly tarty about either addition. Her hair was braided into a reverse ponytail with two skinny side braids, and she had on eye liner and mascara (which I wouldn’t have done) and glitter shadow and spray (which I would have).

She was staying at a friends, whose mother is a hairdresser and beautician. I couldn’t do the hair and makeup as skilfully I admit but I just couldn’t get over how different the dress and she looked this time around. Which really is just a long lead into my rant on the sexualization of our children.

A picture appeared in the paper the other day of a nine year old dressed like…well lets just say I was wondering what on earth her parents were thinking when they let her leave the house. I can walk through the children’s department and find bras for kids my daughters age. They serve no purpose other than to encourage the child to think they are older or need to be older and more developed.

Our children watch video clips and think they need to be able to imitate those women to be attractive.

By the time my eldest was five she was asking for jewellery, make up and heels so she would look beautiful. It’s a constant effort to convince her that none of those things are of true value. Now for those of you who don’t know me I wear very little makeup only when I’m on stage or going out. My hubby tells me all the time I look good no matter what I’m wearing, so that’s not where the idea is coming from either.

Are the examples our children are surrounded by, so much influenced by the idea that beauty is a skinny, skimpily clad, heavily made-up woman? Is that how we want our girls to grow? I certainly don’t. I was very proud when my daughter came to me and said she wanted to take the picture I was talking about to school to talk about for news. She said she wanted to say it was inappropriate for a girl her age to be dressed like that. Of course she couldn’t really explain what she meant by that but at least it’s a start and at least she’s listening to me when I tell her some things just aren’t for her.

I want my girls to enjoy being young and having the ability to wear whatever and go running and climbing and getting dirty. I want then to realise appearance isn’t the most important thing. That attractiveness isn’t based on the person who wears the least amount of fabric. And that attracting a boys attention isn’t something they need to be thinking about at the moment, boys do not complete them.

Dora is one of my favourite kids cartoons because she has short hair, wears shorts, goes exploring, plays games where she is a doctor and so on, and she is bi-lingual. They tried at one point to girly her up and a lot of mothers weren’t impressed. It’s very hard for us to find role models acceptable for our young girls.

Myley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is desperately trying to shed her Disney image and she is only following in the steps of others. The wholesome, smart, girl simply isn’t something they want to keep the image of. Bring me girls who are adventurous and smart, girls who want to grow into women who want to do something with their lives.

We’ve come a long way from the days where a female’s options were very limited, and yet still we are obsessed with keeping women looking a certain way. Quite honestly is not the way Julia Gillard got the post of PM more important than the fact she is a red head, or what her hairstyles have been over the years? I’m frustrated. I want my girls to have a balanced outlook. I want them to not be limited by their gender and I want them not to buy into the rubbish that how you look is what matters most. I’m just not sure how effective I can be when so much of what is thrown at our children in marketing and things skews the other way.

‘No honey you are seven you totally don’t need a matching bra and bikini briefs set’.

To Church Or Not To Church

The other day someone wondered why I was considering leaving the church, and I ended up writing a rather lengthy response. I think it is well worth repeating my thoughts with a few additions here.

For me it's a culmination of many things. Repetitive services designed to be user friendly, they say if you want depth you'll attend a small group (it hasn't even been particularly relative to church size), if you can't do that because you have other commitments then too bad. Being used, hubby is a muso and if you say you'll help once or for a number of weeks it's assumed you will continue to, they may know he gets 2 or 3 hrs sleep before rocking up early to practice etc but they never understood that it meant he spends very little of sunday with his family. The assumption that I'm a mother so I'll be eager to help out in kids, to be honest I find other peoples kids a bit annoying at times. I struggle with the formulaic structure of the service - sing, communion, news, money, sermon, alter call. I understand the need for it but in many ways things have become so structured they are no longer fluid.

I designed a worship service once, based around the need for the musos to have a rest and have had it dismissed saying some of it may be useable - I think it was mostly because it was very different and contemplative, also there was no place for most of the usual structure. I won't deny it hurt to have it rejected, it was something I had put a lot of thought and prayer into but I've found that creative ministry simply isn't that creative, it has to fit into a very limited scope and if you suggest anything outside that it's not even really considered. For me as a creative person the end result has been why would I want to use my skills for church, church does so much in my field badly and I don't want to do that.

As for fellow-shipping outside church hours, there have been various times we've organised things only to have the church people agree to come and not show up, not even having the decency to call and let us know, or even apologise after the fact.

There's a lot there I know, and it has almost turned into an essay but it is the culmination of events that has bought me/us to this point. I'd like to say I'm not bitter, but neither are the experiences forgotten. We learn from our experiences and if we don't change what we do how can we expect to get different results (I forget who said that). So using this logic would I not be better off finding an alternative to organised religion?

There were plenty of responses and I have to say much encouragement. I enjoy the interaction with these people as they encourage me to think, and to push through. For me this interaction is invaluable. Where I struggle with the more traditional idea of church it's people like these, some of whom have been through or are going through similar valleys, that keep me going.

It's so important to realise that sometimes it's the small things, like being honest about what you feel, think or struggle with, that make it possible for others to come along side and remind you that your feelings or experiences aren't wrong, they just are. We all have our own road to travel and it's often the people that come alongside us as we do that give the journey it's value.

It goes back to that old saying, 'it's not the destination but the journey that matters'.

Hang in there, whoever you maybe, and know we can all do with a helping hand sometimes.

My Thoughts, End Times

I believe it’s time for me to start thinking again. What do I mean by that? Well my last few entries have all been from my holiday, it’s been a while since I’ve applied myself to something deeper, more explosive or faith based.

I think I’ll talk a little about something that fits into the latter category.

The other day hubby got a forwarded e-mail about the end times. It started with the preacher who wrote the original article saying he had believed the end of the world would be in 2009 and God told him it was meant to be but He had delayed it for ‘a twinkling of an eye’.

The feelings this pulled from me weren’t great. I don’t want the world to end, sure I’m not exactly where I want to be but there is still so much I want to do, not least of all watch my children grow up.

End time stuff, is to my way of thinking, an odd thing to be focussed on. This preacher was convinced he knew the time, but how many times does he have to be wrong before people stop listening to you.

Also is it really living if you are totally focussed on heaven? Why do people want to know when? Why not just work on living the best you can in the present?

Of course it is possible that part of my problem is rooted in the problems I have with my faith. How can I look forward to going to heaven when I don’t even look forward to going to church? How can I believe heaven will be exciting and life as it was always meant to be lived, when I find church boring and myself not totally accepted because my idea of using my abilities doesn’t seem to gel with any churches idea?

Of course there are things I would look forward to. Who would not want to spend time with great creative minds like CS Lewis, Tolkien, Fanny Cosby and Ted Dekker. (though I have no place to judge who has/hasn’t, will/won’t make it to heaven). Or talking to men and women who stood, believed and influenced their corners of the world.

I still believe I have faith I just no longer know what to call it. I’m not non-practicing in that I still pray and meditate on God, but if I’m totally truthful I’d have to say God is not the most important thing in my life, so I’m not really sure where that leaves me.

Last Stuff About Bali

These are the last days and my thoughts on what I came away from my holiday having learnt. next entry will probably be me back to my ranting.

Day Five

Another morning spent swimming and lazing in at the resort. After another lunch of honey sandwiches for the girls and cold pizza for the adults we had a quiet time and went out to replenish supplies. We walked past the Circle K to have a look around sadly realising how much we hadn’t seen yet. However looking on it objectively I would say we wouldn’t have done a lot differently it would have been too much for the girls. We ditched the safari, zoo and water park ideas simply because we decided the girls would be interested for a bit and then get restless and it wouldn’t be worth it financially.

Then we went back to the hotel, changed back into our bathers and went to run the gauntlet that is the Bali beach. ‘You want chair,’ ‘you want braid,’ ‘manicure’.

We went close the water with our towel and got dirty. The sand on the beach at Kuta is quite dark, very different to the golden sand I’m used to in Australia. Both girls had a blast. It was Kiara’s first time and she was much more fearless than Michaela at that age. On day four we had walked along the beach and chased sand crabs, they did some more of that, they are quick little buggers and it’s fun to chase them.

Then back to resort, rinse off the sand, into the pool and hotel dinner again.

Oh and there was no music this morning but Kiara kept asking if she could see the more ‘bang, bang’.

Day Six

Today’s agenda was planned rather than decided on the fly. We wanted to go where we hadn’t yet and take pictures. The back alleys and main drags that we hadn’t been to previously.

We started strong, I’m surprised just how far I was able to walk carrying Kiara. The stall holders around this area weren’t as bad as where we went the first day, far more willing to accept no.

The most frustrating, anger inducing, annoying moment was when a guy shoved a fake gun in Michaela’s face – sideways not pointing it at her – and said ‘you buy, toy you buy’. I nearly went…well you know. What kind of moron does that?

We even ventured into a shop to look for something for a friend but they didn’t have it. The girls bought flower ornaments for their hair.

We just walked and walked until we weren’t sure we’d find the road that lead back to the resort. Steve knew the direction we needed to go but with the roads twisting and turning it can get a little confusing especially for the navigationally challenged like me. I wondered at one point if we’d have to retrace our steps but I continued to follow Steve because the guy has great navigation skills.

Two hours after we left we were back at the resort for a sit, a drink and a swim. Then a quiet lunch. Kiara was exhausted and wouldn’t settle until about ten minutes before we were due to head out again to take pics around the resort. So I did a bit of loud packing to wake her.

After the pics we went swimming again. They are both so good in the water. Michaela has come a fair way with her swimming and water confidence. Yesterday Steve taught her the basics of diving and she has worked hard at it and improved dramatically in just one day. Kiara is fearless, a bit too fearless, not content to stay in the shallows.

Tonight we headed out to a restaurant, the only proviso being that the girls could order pizza again. They won’t be getting any more for a while I can tell you that.

We ended up at a place called Chasers – great food, cheap drinks with actual alcohol in them, the girls loved it, mum and dad loved it.

7 am check out tomorrow so I settled the bill tonight. Homeward bound. Yay!

Lessons Learnt

I was speaking to a friend after we’d got back and she said she knew I wouldn’t like Bali because I don’t tolerate stupid people. I started to protest that I would never call a people group stupid but unfortunately the more I thought about it the more I realised she had a point. I don’t actually consider them stupid I simply don’t see how their way of doing things, (haggling and hassling) is efficient or effective, but it must work for them. It is what they know, and not what I know and I found them to be annoying and time wasting. So to my friend’s way of looking at it their way of doing things, according to my standards, is stupid.

How intolerant and arrogant do I sound? Not a pretty picture to paint about yourself is it? I always thought I was fairly tolerant but those that know me best would say there are things I don’t tolerate at all and what I perceive to be stupidity is one of those things. I really should have understood this better because the signs were all there: someone comes up to me at work and says ‘I want a book, I don’t know who wrote it or what it is about but it’s written by a girl’, and I think they are idiots and should stop wasting my time. I am intellectually arrogant and I have no real cause to be because there are plenty of people out there who know so much more than I do, are so much smarter.

So what did I learn? I hate haggling; shopping and I aren’t real friendly. That it doesn’t matter where you are there are always things to learn, experience and be thankful for. Anytime together with your family is time well spent.

And that is it for our first family holiday.

Bali - Day Three and Four

Day Three

After the disaster of the last couple of days and even this morning when I asked the front desk if they had antiseptic cream for Kiara’s hand or if they could tell me where to get some, and the guy went ‘Ah, don’t have here, maybe chemist’ I asked where the nearest one was he said ‘Don’t know’. ARGH! (I ended up putting antiseptic Listerine in it figuring anything antibacterial had to help – it appeared to and I walked into the girls room to find KJ had tried to put more on herself and spilt a large amount on her bed- mmm minty fresh bed).

Anyway, today turned out okay, apart form sunburn. We avoided people instead choosing to stay poolside and roomside. It was the first time I’ve actually felt relaxed.

When I went out for a walk to get supply I headed in the opposite direction and found what I think will prove to be better shopping than where we have already been. The people seemed less pushy but that may be because it was later in the day and I was alone.

So we’ve decided against the tours and will mostly stay in resort, the girls enjoy all the swimming and cope much better with that than the people and honestly so do I.

The nicest surprise today was sitting down to eat at the hotel restaurant and having the waiter tell us we have a lovely family, it has been noticed apparently by the staff at breakfast and talked about, our girls are well behaved unlike other kids who can’t seem to be controlled.

Day Four

Found some better shopping but only just and honestly I really don’t think it’s much cheaper, I guess a lot of people who come here don’t go looking for bargains back home, whereas I do by necessity. Also I really miss shops with price tags on the items.

So we shopped and relaxed and went back to the pool. The girls love the pool. They are both doing very well and improving their swimming, they will both miss it when we go home. Oh I also bought something for myself today, I kind of needed to as I didn’t bring many cloths over and the ones I had were getting pretty festy.

The biggest thing I suppose today was getting woken at the awful time of 6.30 in the morning by gong music. It appears we have a temple next door. It went on for an hour. Woke us all and I had really been hoping the girls might sleep a bit longer being so tired. Then tonight the gongs and drums went for two or so hours with a short break. We took the girls to a place where they could see what was happening and that was interesting. It also sounded much better when you could hear the whole thing not just what made it through the walls.

Someone told us they thought it would go for three days because of a festival, I guess we’ll find out.

The girls have decided they would like to spend much of the last two days by the pool, which is fine by us.

Speaking of sleep we ordered room service pizzas for dinner but when they arrived we went into the girls room, having enjoyed the fact they had been quiet for ten or twenty minutes, only to discover Kiara had fallen asleep. We had to wake her for dinner because she had been saying she was hungry before hand. However they both ate and went to sleep well.

Not looking forward to being woken tomorrow morning if it happens.

Bali Day Two

Okay so continuing on with my Bali notes. i'll try to post the rest more quickly this week, it has taken a bit of adjusting getting back into the swing of work and I now have a deadline for my novel.

SO

Bali Day Two

Well you certainly learn things about yourself when you travel and I’ve learnt several valuable lessons. I can’t haggle for crap. Haggling doesn’t stop over pricing if you have no reference base when you go in. I hate haggling, even when I knock an okay percentage off it still pisses me off. I don’t enjoy it, in fact I find it painfully annoying and a waste of time.

More annoying though are the store people who won’t leave us the hell alone. Other people say no to them and they are allowed to move on we say know and they follow us. It’s because we can’t move so fast because we have the girls.

I realised I have no patience. Okay so I’ve always known my patience is a little thin on the ground but today took it to new extremes. My personal space got very tested and I very much wanted to rip a persons head off. They were totally freaking our girls out. It’s hard being asked 10 times in 5 minutes “what’s your name?’, ‘how old are you?’, ‘hi five’. Just having kids apparently means we are fair game.

I’m tired, I’m grumpy and I’m worried about the girls. MJ is alright but has a limited attention span. KJ gets tired easily, her eyes are red from the pool, mozzies seem to like her like they did me when I was younger and her hand is a little swollen, we think it was scratched or grazed and already seems to be going down but still I’m worried.

I have also realised I have serious platinum tastes and just not the budget for it, I honestly don’t want knock offs. Have I mentioned I hate shopping! I don’t really think like Bali all that much.

Bali Day One

These Bali entries were written while we were over there but I was unable to post them then due to time constraints so I've decided to do it now.

Day One

Today has been interesting. Not what we were expecting. We ended up taking a promo trip out to a five star resort which meant we missed our appointment with the tour company but then expecting people to meet with you halfway through their first day on holiday with no prearrangement…I imagine more appointments are missed than met. The promo trip was interesting because it took us to a totally different part of the island where a lot of five star hotels are. The hotel we looked at was very pretty, immaculate gardens, pristine pools, in fact as I think about it, it could be a hotel from any western country in the world, there was no real local feel to it.

While luxury like that is how we would like to be able to travel it wasn’t the hotel that I found most interesting. It was the trip itself. The mangrove swamps we drove past were drowning in plastic bags and other rubbish. The buildings were so run down. It’s amazing to me that the poverty is so obvious right next to and in between the luxury resorts.

Yes I feel bad about the poverty but it was tempered by the constant cries of ‘transport, transport’ and ‘braid your hair’. I have to wonder how many see the poverty or do they only see the opportunity for a cheap holiday? To be honest the latter is why we came here. And while I knew in my head there would be the poverty and that there would be hawkers and the like I didn’t really expect it to be how it is. I think it is one thing to know and another to experience it.

There is rubbish dumped on the streets and you constantly have to watch where you step because of it and the rough roads. I also found it very annoying to be accosted every couple of meters about getting a ride just because I chose to walk to the shops. I am also finding it creepy how much attention is being paid to my girls and I think it is freaking them out a bit too. Every time we stop somewhere, or don’t even stop people talk to the girls and our girls aren’t the most outgoing of children. I think they are trying to be polite and while I thought the fascination with pale blondes would be over it isn’t.

Thankful and Still Going Strong

This has been a busy week for me, and some how one I managed to enjoy even when I was at work. See work and I have a love/hate relationship. I love books but sometimes I'm not so good with people.

I have been working at my current job for nearly 11 months now and I'm finally taking a break. Two weeks holiday it's going to be great. We are taking the girls to Bali for a week and then I will be home for a week. I am looking forward to it so very much.

I'm trying to work on my frustrations, for me it's a constant task, related in many ways to my impatience with circumstances and yes people. I have set myself some goals and I have to believe that these things that consume me, my passions will pay off one day.

My family are awesome, I wouldn't have it any other way. I look at the young guys I work with and don't at all miss the dating and club scene. Sure it would be nice to be able to make spontaneous decisions like going out with my hubby but it's a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things. Besides at least when I'm stuck at home I can get my butt into gear and get some work done. (Except when I don't)

Sure I still daydream about being in the movies or at least one movie, and it's not a dead dream because I'm not dead yet. I will get there one day, especially if passion and perseverance have anything to do with it.

You may knock me down but the only one who can stop me getting up and trying again is myself.

Thank you to those who have blessed me with kind words. Thank you to my family who put up with all my eccentricities and moods. Thank you God for allowing me to create. And thank you that I have the ability to get back up again after being slapped down.

Some times I think we need to step back and evaluate ourselves, some times we need to take a moment to look closely at ourselves and say, 'you know what I believe in me.'

Do yourself a favour, you allowed me to indulge and I suggest you now do the same. Today is a good day to be thankful and it is a good day to believe in yourself.

You can do it.

Words of Encouragement

If you read my blog on a regular basis you will know I have certain hang-ups and one is my struggle with church.

Someone who has known me for a while and has been involved in ministry said to my hubby that they understand why I struggle to fit in. I cannot tell you how much of a relief hearing those words was. Those simple words gave me the gift of realising that maybe I'm not losing it. Maybe my frustrations are valid and maybe just maybe I do still hear from God.

Of course I realise this doesn't make everything alright, I still have the same character flaws that I had yesterday but it gives me the strength to keep questioning and pushing and not giving up. Somehow that feels like a good thing.

Easter and Communion

I finally got around to doing something I’d been meaning to for a while. I watched The Passion of The Christ. I figured it was a good time to do so being as it’s the Easter weekend.

Also given my increasing dissatisfaction with organised religion – it was interesting to watch it through my somewhat jaded eyes.

Was it emotional – Yes. How could you watch someone, even in a movie, go through so much and not be moved?

Yes there were things I didn’t necessarily like or agree with, but then no-one this side of heaven knows exactly what happened that day. Anything else is in some form conjecture.

As it stands the film did for me what I suspect it did for many; it reminded me of the sheer bloody magnitude of the cost Christ paid for my life. Some may never really have been aware of it and others of us just do well to be reminded of it.

All this ties in well with thoughts I have been having about communion. I don’t feel we give it the gravitas that it should have. Jesus set communion in place to remind us of his sacrifice and for me recently, it has felt just part of the service, something we do every other week fitted in between the worship service and church news.

If necessary watch the film again. See the bloody pulp his body was made into – injuries it would be incredibly unlikely someone would survive from. Leather or rods snapping against and into the skin, metal digging in and tearing. This is the body we are commissioned to remember; that blood dripping and pooling on the ground is the blood that was shed for us, sprayed over and soaking into the earth.

We take communion like it was at the last supper, not as we should, remembering the events of the dark day that followed where Jesus stepped up and put himself in my place. From the comfort of the upper room hearing the words but not really understanding rather than the foot of the cross as the torn and bloody flesh was secured to the wood and the blood dripped it’s way to the ground.

I have become so shallow, despite my declaration that I’ll still love God even if He does nothing else for me. I still believe but my faith has become something of a side note. I don’t mean that I no longer put it in people’s faces, I never did that, it’s more that it is there when I can be bothered. It is tied too much to what I have problems with and not enough to the man whose death tore the temple of organised religion in two.

Christ rose from His tomb and that is what we remember on this day, so likewise as I face a new day I will bend my knee and life my eyes to the throne, acknowledging my unworthiness and my gratefulness.

What a Week

Well it's been quite a week. Yes we had a storm and yes our house was partially flooded, but really it was and is an inconvenience rather than the national disaster some are claiming. A couple of rooms are still drying out 7 days later. You only need to look at Chile or Haiti to see real disasters.

So my week has included: a house getting flooded and no internal electricity for the better part of two days; trying to get real estate agents to act - which they still haven't done; a trip to the hospital for a regular check up for our eldest; a visit to our travel agent to pick up our holiday tickets; visit and dinner with friends; trying to find some plays that interest me; and still I managed to fit a bit or writing in, not enough to have a blog of substance this week, I'll be aiming for that this week.

Disappointment

‘God will not disappoint you’. These words were said in church last week and my initial reaction was the thought ‘but he’s disappointed me’.

This now means I feel the need to breakdown that statement and my reaction.

Firstly I’m not sure it actually says anywhere in the Bible that God won’t disappoint us.

In fact I’m sure there is rather a lot about the way being narrow, with valleys and tough times. To really gain an understanding we need to start by looking at what disappoint means, so from my Collins dictionary we get :

a) a) to fail to meet the expectations, hopes, etc of; let down

b) b) to prevent the fulfilment of (a plan etc); frustrate

This ties in to my entry two weeks ago on expectations.

A blanket statement such as the one I opened with is only asking for trouble – in my opinion, simply because God’s way isn’t our way. Therefore unless we are totally in God’s will when we expect, then there is every chance we will be disappointed more than once. Every time God’s answer is no it’s fairly likely we will experience disappointment because at it’s foundation disappointment is an emotion, it’s how we feel when we don’t get our own way.

I believe it’s far more important to be able to move past disappointment than expect a life with no disappointment. Life happens and for most of us we don’t always get our own way. Not even the disciples and leaders of the early church lived lives with no disappointment.

Rather than think God will never disappoint us we would be better off remembering that He won’t let things come to us that we won’t be able to handle (with His help). The Bible tells us the way is narrow; though they may not be heavy there is a yolk and burden in following God, and even the 23 Psalm says there will be times we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, any one who thinks that means it’s all going to be easy isn’t thinking it through.

Interesting Week

Well this has been an interesting week. I had an audition I thought went fairly well, but then the director didn’t bother to let me know what he’d decided, now you don’t necessarily expect to hear from some directors but when they assure you they will then well nothing…so needless to say I got annoyed and a little bit down. Someone once told me if I can’t handle rejection then I should not be involved in performance. He was right, and in my head I know I can do this but sometimes when junk like this happens and I know I did a better audition than the girl who was cast and I am actually the right age not 10 or so years too young, then I doubt.

When I doubt I get down and this time my hubby got in touch with some people and told them I was doubting my ability and they got in touch to kick my ass for being stupid and letting some director get to me. I have great friends, friends I know support me and will no doubt tell me if I suck, but they knew I was struggling and they took the time to check on me. Now that is friendship.

So I made some decisions, we’ve booked our holiday tickets and I’ve came up with an idea for another novel. Then there is also the fantasy story I’m working on. So lots going on even if it wasn’t all what I thought it would be.

I have great friends and a man who understands me. It’s all pretty good really.