#AlwaysKeepFighting

I could have sworn I'd posted more recently here. Clearly not. I must have been imagining things. Well it wouldn't be the first time.
This year has already been so busy. Work, kids growing older, writing, fitness, family, friends. Life really.
I'd like to say it has all been awesome, after all the crap that happened last year. But it hasn't. And you know what, that is life. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Life can be wonderful, or terrible. The trick is to embrace both and get hung up on neither.
See the terrible can open doors to realisations - a friendship that needs more time because it is limited, a person you need to walk away from because you simply don't need that much toxic in your life.
The wonderful can give you hope - that dreams can come true, that you're not too old, or too anything else, to do what you want.
They balance each other out. If you focus too heavily on the bad you struggle to see the good and if you float too much on the great then when the bad happens the crash is so much harder to recover from.

Today is not a great day for me, I feel down, a bit frustrated and to be honest a little depressed. For no real reason I might add. Depression can be like that. My head can be a rather fucked up place to be. Part of me wants to do nothing but curl up in bed and sleep, or maybe read. I don't want to deal with the kids, I don't want to talk to hubby. I just want to hide myself away from it all.
But I won't. I'm lucky, my depression is mild in the grand scheme of things, and I've been living with it for so long I have a pretty decent handle on how to deal with it: I throw myself into writing; I make sure I push aside the grump and hug my kids, embrace something awesome about them and smile with them; I apologise for my crappy mood to my hubby, who blessedly understands and knows how to hold me steady; and yes I read, immerse myself in someone else's world for a while; I even make myself exercise.
In other words I try to do things that are normal for me. I try to smile, not the fake 'everything is alright' bullshit smile but a real, right down inside kind of smile.
Sometimes these bouts of depression last days, sometimes only hours. I'm lucky. Like I said my experience is only mild. Others don't have it so lucky. For others the suffocating grey encroaches their day or night, it pulls them downwards and inwards to the point they just can't be bothered with anything. Telling them to buck up isn't the answer. Allowing them to talk can help. Just sitting with them can do wonders. Don't try to fix them. If you can get them help great. For some that comes in the form of medication or counselling, if that could be the answer encourage them. Mostly I think it is important for them to not feel alone. Allow them to be real about their feelings. If they feel like crap that's not wrong, it just is. Hold them and love them through it.
This world we live in can be hard. So many put so much of themselves out there that the rest of us  wonder what the hell we are doing wrong. My life isn't as together as such and such's. My butt isn't as perfect as hers. He just posted a pic of his ripped abs, well I can't do that. She always has such good days and great luck. I'll never get the opportunities he gets. Why should I bother when I can't compete with that. Their kids are so well behaved. My kid is so moody yet hers is just perfect - what am I doing wrong?

You know what, STOP!
I mean it. Stop trying to compare yourself to others. I reckon if people were to social media truthfully the picture would be very different. We would then realise most people don't have it all together. We only pick and choose the good bits to share. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people should air their dirty laundry on line. I think we do it because we want to see which side of the argument or whatever is more popular. We need to stop oversharing and stop thinking all the positive means everyone but us has it all together.
See social media is like that old chestnut 'how are you?' People who ask that mostly don't want to know. They want you to say 'great how are you?' It is pointless small talk and not meant for truth. I went through a phase where I would ignore that question or say, 'I don't know you so I don't feel I have to answer that', or something similar. It was funny, someone got really upset with me one day for not answering that question, they didn't know how to cope when I didn't play their game.
But I digress. Don't base your happiness around what people post. They may be feeling terrible but doing everything they can to protect some image they believe they have. Unless you really know someone, you don't know them. Most of us have no idea how much our acquaintances struggle everyday. There are certainly enough things to struggle with - perceptions, popularity, protecting our image, weight, beauty… the list goes on.
Just be you. If you feel down today find someone to talk to, or just to hug you. If you don't know anyone find a group, if you don't want to do that, message me. The grey and cold don't last, they don't have to last. You don't need to go it alone. Picking yourself up isn't always easy but you can do it. Look for that hand that is their just waiting for you to grab and grab it. Have someone's back or let someone have yours.
#AlwaysKeepFighting

I'm Not Dead Yet

Those four words were my mantra yesterday.
I'm not dead yet.
Every time I got asked 'How you going Kylie?' or words to that effect, my answer was 'I'm not dead yet.'
How or why did it get to that point?
Yesterday I completed my second Tough Mudder. Some will say, 'you crazy woman', others 'go you'. I'm good with both.

Yesterday though was a bigger challenge for me than the actual race. Some very good friends of mine, and teammates, were injured and unable to run this year. This hit me in a very strange way. I realised that this would mean I would be running with a bunch of people for whom fitness is their competitive centre. This made me nervous, I do these events to challenge myself and because, running for the sake of running is something that simply doesn't appeal to me. I like the obstacles.
The map came out and I got excited again. The day drew closer and I got nervous again. Yesterday morning I was both.
I met the new team members.

Where was Josh? 

We laughed and got psyched up. We jumped the wall into the starting box.

We heard the spiel and said the Oath.
I will not whine, kids whine.
Then we went.

I felt good but it wasn't long before the others hit their stride as the pack spread out and I kept up for a km or so but my running time simply isn't very fast. I started to get disheartened. That is a bad headspace to be in. This whole thing is about challenging yourself, not being better than or even as good as everybody else. What an unreasonable expectation to put on oneself.
The problem with being someone like me is I hate being the weakest link. I hate letting others down and that is how I felt. I felt as though I was letting the team down.
Don't get me wrong there was nothing in my team's behaviour that made me feel that way, it was all in my head. But my head can be a messed up place to be. Once you start a downward spiral like that it can be damn difficult to pull yourself out.

Fe wouldn't let me sink, she recognised my mental struggle and kicked my butt, mentally and physically, that's what good friends do, they know how to help you, even when you try to push them away.
I kept going. I wasn't going to let the run beat me. I said I may not be fast but I could definitely do the distance. If they wanted to get out ahead, I didn't mind. They didn't leave me. I came up with a different strategy. I don't need to rest a lot. I'm a stubborn thing. I decided the best way I could help the team was to run while I could, if they needed to stop to get out stones I would head off knowing it wouldn't take them long to catch up. It was the best plan I could think of to not slow them down.
'How you going Kylie?'
'I'm not dead yet.'

I was determined. But my head wasn't making it easy for me, I came off an obstacle I'd made it over every other time. My head said, 'You're too old for this.', 'Why did you bother?'. Deep inside me fought back with 'shut the f*&% up, I'm not dead yet.'
There was an obstacle I really wanted to succeed at, and it didn't matter that more than half the people I saw attack it came off, when I came off I was frustrated and annoyed, 'What did you expect, you're just not good at this.'
'F*&% off, I'm not dead yet.'
I wrenched an arm slightly coming down a wall and I didn't care, because it was a minor inconvenience nothing more. Those obstacles are the part of it I love, and I can help with them. I can be a team player. At some point in time I realise I am the oldest in our team by a bit, so I told them to kiss my ass. The voice in my head recedes and that is good.
The terrain this year was tougher, I'm sure of it. More hills and definitely more rocks to climb. My knees aren't too fond of stairs and that translates to hills and rocky outcroppings but damn it 'I'm not dead yet.'

Then came my arch nemesis, Everest, damn it more than anything I wanted to beat that one this year. And I nearly did, I even caught the hand of the guys at the top but it wasn't a good enough grip and I slipped. Damn it so I tried again. And tripped on something taking a very heavy fall. Busted up my whole right side rather spectacularly. Everyone else made it. It was a huge blow to my mind but 'I don't care, I'm not dead yet'.
I limped away but shook it off and continued on. My team was awesomely supportive. They pushed me and encouraged me.
Bugger it though, my hand was swelling up and I couldn't  hold onto anything, so try as I might (and I did try) I couldn't beat the next couple of obstacles. You know what though, 'I'm not dead yet.'
I hit the arctic enema.

I loved the Fire in your Hole.

As a repeat Mudder, a Legionnaire, we got another go at Everest, but I had to let it go. Then was the electricity. Others thought having done it before they would go around, me having come that far and fought so damn hard with my own mind, my own fears and insecurities, decided 'I'm not dead yet, let's go'.
I did it. I finished the event. I finished it with a great team. Thank you guys. They even made sure I crossed the line with them.
My mental game didn't finish there though because as I tried to break it all down I became convinced that in some way I was a failure. What a crock. I completed an event that many won't even contemplate doing. How is that failure? Sure it wasn't the fastest time but it was quicker than last year. I got the best injury and I still finished. I'm over forty, I ran a lot of kms (I think the official distance was 18kms) and I beat my own fear of heights and failure.

I got caught in my own insecurities. I let myself focus on the negatives. I'm too old, not fit enough. I'm letting them down.
No one put these thoughts into my head. They are my own perceptions. My own fears. We live in a society where we focus too much on the negative. We are almost better at putting ourselves down. Is it because we think if we do it, it won't hurt when others do? In my case, yeah probably, it's a hang over from my school days of being teased and rejected. All these years later the effects that are mostly gone still pop up every now and then. It's a battle, but it is one you can win. You're not dead yet.

I am 41 years old, I was never very good at sport and yet I have finished two Tough Mudders. Kiss my ass. I am not good with heights, and yet I will climb those damn ladders and jump off that platform. I will throw myself at a suspended cargo net, and a curved wall. I can be injured and I won't give up.
All in all it is a bit like life. The only thing that really matters is how you react to what is in front of you. Your challenges may not be the same as someone else's, so what. You don't need to conform to what someone else dictates. The only person you need to be happy with, and challenge (be better than) is yourself. Don't allow the negative thoughts, the fears and insecurities, rule your actions. Align yourself with others who can help, be that in words of encouragement or kicking your ass (figuratively or literally).
I am not a failure.
I am not dead yet.
There is plenty more fight in me. That is how we face our fears, reach our goals and grab our dreams.
You're not dead yet.

Not Where I Started Going

(I started going in a different direction with this post then it went this way.)

I keep meaning to write for this blog, I really do. I even have some really good rants half done in my head. Problem is with a bunch of them they are time appropriate. If I don't get them down at a certain time they no longer seem so relevant.

I will however take a moment to reflect on gender stereotypes. This is one that bugs me on a regular basis and I know I'm not the only one. It goes through strong movements on line and then periods where people move on to different topics.

Today is a good day to reflect on it even briefly though.

The cast for the new Star Wars film has been announced. Yes others will be announced further down the line I'm sure, and no one really knows what it's going to be about yet. Or at least not in detail. The problem I have is the problem many fans have - 'What the hell happened to the awesome female characters'?

No offence to Princess Leia but seriously the extended universe has some amazing characters that aren't even getting a look in. Sure I understand not wanting to delve into the extended universe that already stands but that is no excuse to ignore the fantastic inroads it has made, especially for the universe's young female fans.

My eldest cried when Ahsoka said she was leaving, then again when told that was the end of the show. These characters give our girls something different to model themselves on. I much rather she watch Star Wars, Stargate and Firefly, than those vapid shows about boys and girls and girls trying to get a boyfriend. Meeting Amanda Tapping was a magical experience for her.

Now though one of her favourite franchises is returning to some out dated male centric story line. Give me a break. We girls are sick of being told the weapons are for boys whilst the dresses and makeup and kitchen utensils are for us. (At least in the kitchen are knives…never piss me off in the kitchen.) Women are strong and capable and more and more of us are at the point where we've had enough of the airbrushed crap that is served up to us.

We need to remember that we are who we are, we don't need to live up to some ugly old man's version of beauty, or some insecure media personality's idea of acceptable looks. We should be happy with who we are. I want my girls to be true to themselves. If that means tattoos and a shaved head, then so be it. If they prefer a suit to jeans then fine. If they want to create a kick-arse female superhero who's bits are (heaven forbid) covered by fabric, then more power to them.

Girls are no longer restricted to the home boys. We are out there; in the work place, on the sporting field, in space, in the labs, kicking your arse at on-line video games. Wherever you are we can be. Sci-fi and fantasy has often been groundbreaking in shattering the stereotypes, now is not the time for it to go back on that. Let's keep going forward.

Well That Just Sucks

We should've got our house. Not going to happen it seems. The no is for the sake of two months, or $30 a week, or the inflated tax rate to cover my old uni fees, or the simple fact that I know how to survive without a credit card (which means you end up with no real credit rating).
So all those things I finally got around to unpacking again need to be packed. Totally not my favourite past time.
When I found out I cried. I shouted. I swore. And I ranted at God how is this fair, how is it fair that some people land on their feet all the damn time, they seem to get many of the breaks and people will look at them and go 'well lets see what we can do to sort that for you.' When they look at me it so often seems they try to find all the possible faults, all ways in which we don't fit.
Thing is though, this kind of thing has happened so many damn times in my life that really at this stage it is just kind of boring now.

So for 20 minutes I pitched a fit. Then I accepted the fact my plans had been tossed in the air again only to fall in some random manner at my feet.
I walked out of my shower, got dressed and went and spoke to my family. Within that very short space of time I had gone through a total 180 degree change of attitude.
Why?
Well that's easy really. Because I decided too. I have a family who love me. A job that puts a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in our mouths (as an added bonus it's a job I like). I have enough time to spend with friends and family and to indulge my love of writing (or rather my need to create). Where I actually live makes no real difference to any of that. Sure shifting is a pain in the butt you'll find no argument from me on that count.
So much of life though is how you look at things. I chose to look at the good and accept what I can't really change. The other thing is I don't know what the future holds. My plans could have had fundamental flaws that I couldn't see. It's even possible something that never entered into my calculations was around the corner.
Something awesome could be coming and who am I to focus just on the crap and not the possibilities.

Choices are what make the difference in life. I have been knocked over so many times that after I get over my initial frustration or disappointment I think to myself 'is that all you've got world?' You say I can't have it, I say 'you watch me get better'. I choose to look at what I've got, I choose to say I am not going to give up.
I choose to open my eyes to possibilities. Which means when I pick up a book that I'd put aside a while ago, I can see clearly a new idea that jumps in front of me. Two days ago I was frustrated. Today I am excited for the future. Today a new dimension popped into my mind for a new story idea that has been simmering and a new thought for our financial future also bloomed in a corner of my mind.
Sometimes the suckiest things turn out to be the very thing that sharpens the focus.

Tired & Frustrated

I am tired and frustrated. It's not pretty but it is the truth. I like my job, I like the hours because I get to spend more time with my kids. I'm glad we've got the house sorted out but the saving stage of right now is frustrating. In no small part because I have plans and I can't follow through on them till everything is signed and so on.
I just want to get things done. At the moment this interim stage is frustrating me. I want to get my book finished, I want to get my office sorted out. I have stuff I'm trying to give away but no-one wants it. There are things I want to do but I just can't at the moment. It is soooooo frustrating!!!
I have a break coming up in a month though for a week and a half and you better believe I am looking forward to it.

Work vs Study

Study is something I don't mind doing. In fact I quite like it I like learning new things. The problem for me is that the study of what I am doing is... well to put it simply I am over it.
We had 14 weeks of study then 6 mths on the job. Last week I finished a week of prac and to go back to study was quite hard. In fact it was more than that it was frustrating.
The thing is I know there is heaps I don't know but I also real feel I won't learn much more until I'm on the job. The fact I still have tests to sit and scenario days to get through just feels like a drag. I can't help but feel nervous about the scenarios because I have a tendency to over think things. There is so much about scenario training I don't like. Working with actors doesn't rank anywhere near a concern, my problem is I'm more inclined to believe the actors especially after being told there are certain things we just can't do like smoke to indicate a fire so the actors will tell you what is going on. So then when an actor tells me something that sounds like it might be part of the scenario I wonder if that is what the point is. Only to be told I shouldn't listen to the actors. Arrrrgghhh! I did it when I did the scenarios for my first aid training and I found myself doing it again for the course, I over think.
I really just want to get through the next two weeks.
I can't tell you how nice it is though to be home at nights now. For the last, however long I have been rehearsing or performing, so I have been out a lot and that in itself was draining. Now though I am home, and will be till I start night shifts.
I still like to learn things but I guess I really am over study at the moment. I just want to get into it, I know there is so very much I don't know and I wonder why they have us learning certain things the way they do. Despite this frustration I guess I know they have to teach it this way and I won't give up now... what would be the point I'm so close to finishing.
The good thing I suppose is that I at least can see the end. Sometimes in life we go through shit and we go as far as we think we can before giving up without realising that the goal we'd been going towards really was just around the next bucket of crap.
Persevere, I guess that is the point of this post. You may never know how close you are to the end of the bad and the start of the good.
Hang in there, that's the best advice I've got for you at the moment.

Life Marches On

Well this week was trying. That is the nicest way to put it. My frustration with work seems to be on an ever increasing curve. Any one who has ever working in retail knows that some customers are just a pain in the butt. I know this, I've dealt with my fair share of them. One particularly painful one this week caused me more than a little grief, and has solidified my desire to find a new job.
Truthfully I feel as though my brain basically turns to mush when I go to work. The only time I really think is when I'm writing during my moments at the register. Shelving and asking 'Is there anything I can help you with today?', requires exactly no thought power what so ever. I could probably do it in my sleep.
So this week I updated my CV, not just made sure that all the details were up to date but gave it a complete overhaul. So now I am in possession of a great and professional looking CV.

There's just one thing sitting in the back of my mind, and in more honest moments like now more at the front. I am close to 40. I have lived and worked in two countries, I have a degree and an associate diploma and I've run my own small business but... It's the but that keeps creeping up on me. Who is going to give a woman of my age a chance at a new career? Do I think I can do these jobs I'm applying for? Sure? Will there be things I need to learn? Sure but every new job is like that. I'm not a stupid person but I am passionate and have my dreams, and I'm not ready to let them go, it's just I'm ready to find a different way to live while still working on them. I want to learn more things. I want to do more things. I want a change and a challenge. I thrive on a challenge. I love to be pushed. But... who is going to look beyond a CV filled mostly with retail and hospitality experience to the potential I believe I have? 

Sometimes I want to jump up and down and say 'experience in life counts', and 'I've been working since I was 10' (my first job was stacking shelves), 'my work ethic is solid just give me a chance'.

Here I am; sitting at my desk on a Saturday night, blogging and applying for jobs, in between doing dishes, being a mother and wanting to write all night instead of thinking I'd better go to bed earlier than that because my munchkins will want my attention on the morrow. 

Life, it surely does march on. Here's to challenge, focus, passion and a drive to do something more.

Week Off

I am now at the end of my week off. Sadly in this week I did not win lotto so I have to go back to work next week.
On the up side school went back and it looks like Miss 8's teacher isn't going to make it easy for her to slack off this year, which is a very good thing. Also Miss 4 has now started full time education and seems to love it.
All this meant I had three days to indulge in writing and such.
Yesterday though things hit somewhat of a wall. This feeling and place is not all that unfamiliar to me. The truth is I get down periodically. It's a frustration and a need to find change. In short I'm bored with certain things in my life. At the moment the main source of that frustration is my job. I know how silly, I am a grown woman who is frustrated with work. Oh I like reading still but I think I've mastered the job I have. Oh by no means to I think I know everything, it's a changing landscape so there is always more to learn and experience, but retail?
Well truthfully it's the retail side of things that irritates me. Some customers are awesome others not so much. I am bored with having to deal with customers, those who have no idea what they are talking about and those who believe because you work in retail you don't have a brain. Firstly loads of people who work in retail are doing it while they study. Also there are those like me who went back into the work force after quite a bit of time out who take what they can get. Me I have a degree and an associate diploma but not having actively used them means many people look over you.
The other problem I have is retail offers very little in the way of challenge and advancement. Sure I could try for management but the pay isn't all that great when you consider the hours you are expected to work and the fact you don't often get to have weekends and the like to spend with friends and family.
Retail has a high turnover because it's pay stinks yet so much is expected of those who work in the industry. My hourly rate is less than I got paid 10 years ago in hospitality. I have a family to feed and increasing utilities to deal with. Admittedly I am fortunate to work specific hours that mean I still have time to spend with my kids. A lot of parental types are not so lucky. You work what hours they want you to work or you don't have a job.
I was talking to an acquaintance and she said she got hassled at work, which proclaimed to be a family friendly environment, every time she needed to take time to be with one of her kids. Then they had a restructure thrust upon them and were told they had to adapt to the new rules which erased all their flex time and meant they had to work longer hours to fit in with the other side of the country. How is this family friendly? Bottom line is it's not.
I would like a job that could challenge me intellectually, push me to learn new things to excel in other areas. I know I can do it, when I started in books I loved to read but had no knowledge of kid's books, I got thrust there because I had kids. Now I have a blog, I write for another blog, I have built up quite a decent network of industry contacts, all off my own back. I know I can learn, I know I can adapt but so many jobs aren't interested in your potential to learn and excel they are interested in your most recent experience or piece of paper showing your qualifications.
My life isn't over yet, there are other strands I'm looking to pursue, new things that will push me into new spheres. There are even things I would love to study but the courses range from $2000 to upwards of $20000 and when you are a parent in a low income family every dollar is strictly budgeted and $2000 for a course may as well be $20000.
Maybe I need to find an old fashioned benefactor. Someone with money to burn who is willing to take a chance on a mature kinda girl who just wants to experience some different things. I know I have potential I just wonder if I can advertise for that kind of thing on Craigslist or ebay. Maybe a video plea on youTube. If I get that desperate I promise to post a link.

What To Say?

These last couple of weeks have been a little frantic. That is to say I have been really, really busy. Mostly it's because I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, for those who don't know that means writing 50 000 words of a story in 30 days.
In amongst all this I have work, family, a father in law in hospital with only 30% of his heart working, my mother in law living with us for the interim, plus all the other things I usually do.
Added to all this, probably not surprisingly I am feeling a little stressed.
When this happens there are certain things I really feel the want to rant and rail against things. Right now yes I'm frustrated with how things are but more than anything I want to rant about these polls on facebook about gay marriage. I am getting inundated with people I know answering this poll with - no gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. And you know what? I want to scream at them saying why not! Seriously have any of them really looked around at the relationships on display in our society. So many unmarried people with loads of kids. So many divorces. So much anger, disappointment. Should not everyone be allowed to choose who they spend their lives with. I know some gay and lesbian couples who have been together longer than some hetero relationships.
Marriage used to mean something. But then religious people only look at the parts of the bible they want to look at when it comes to these things. And I will admit right now there are probably a heap of references in the bible I've missed but here's just a couple of things to think on.
*Divorce rate among christians is basically the same as non christians
*Solomon had hundreds of wives
*Yes Sodom and Gomorrah were bad but they were bad for a whole bunch of reasons not just one
Surely we are able to realise that sometimes things change in societies and these changes aren't always bad. I wouldn't want to be part of a society were women had as few rights as they did in bible times. I know too many stories of 'good' hetero couples treating their kids and partners badly. Also seriously as much as I'd hate to even use this next word in any blog post I'm going to - Kardashian. I don't know which one but heck her wedding came in at around $10million and the marriage lasted 72 days - this is what we are trying to protect? Really open your eyes have a look around, I don't think same sex couples are going to ruin the institution of marriage, I just don't think it's in that good a place.
I'm very fortunate to have found the right man for me, but I have friends who have been treated nothing but badly by men and truly believe they have found the right woman for them. And I nearly screwed that friendship because I said I still loved her but didn't necessarily like her choice. You know what...it's not my damn choice. She deserves happiness as much as I do and her partner makes her happy. No they won't procreate together but heck a lot of couples are choosing not to and a lot of unmarrieds are having many, even to different partners.
I really think this, as an issue, is probably a pretty unimportant one in the scheme of things.

Dear God

Dear God,
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen

Performance in Church

This is one of the things I've really struggled with over the years. I love acting, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it but I hate church drama with a passion.

It took me a very long time to be willing to get up on a church stage again and once I do they then start doing the very things I disliked about it in the first place.

We hadn't been committed to going to our new church for very long when they announced the formation of a drama team.

To be honest I rolled my eyes and groaned. Mostly because I wondered how or why God would be doing this now when he knew how much I hated it. Then I had that internal debate about whether I should let them know I have experience in performing.

I decided not to get involved.

I know I was judging based on my previous experience but that's what I had to go on. Yes it is possible for the person to be given this position to have more experience and more talent than me. For them to have great ideas and wonderful execution. But I couldn't see that happening.

I didn't give it much thought after that.

Until last week.

The team got up to perform their first (of the first one I'd been there for) sketch. It started for me badly but I thought I'd try and stay. I didn't last and the whole thing wasn't much more than five minutes long.

I walked out feeling guilty about being disrespectful. After all they at least had gotten up there and I hadn't, so what right did I have to judge.

It made me wonder again though, why it is okay for people with heart but no skill to be involved in a drama team but they wouldn't be allowed as part of a music team.

Then again it could be a self perpetuating problem. The sketches are short, unchallenging and sometimes badly written and badly executed, so people with skill won't want to get involved, therefore the only way the team can get new blood is to invite people with heart.

Me I would be embarrassed to be seen to be doing those sketches. That's right I said it embarrassed and I would never invite my friends to come and see one. I laugh when people say it would be good for my acting friends to come and see these things.

I know I probably shouldn't admit to being embarrassed but it's the truth. To be reading your script or to explain the piece before performing are just things that shouldn't happen.

I felt guilty for walking out but my hubby wisely asked how I would have felt being involved in something like that. I replied by telling him I would have hated it. And that is the truth.

It's not so much about being embarrassed by God but by the poor use of something I love.

Yes I think drama could be a very powerful tool but I also don't see that happening because people aren't interested in trying different things. I have tried and the responses have been ranged from 'that sounds interesting' to 'interesting but not now' and being just ignored.

The thing is though, then I have to deal with the 'why aren't you using your skills for God in church?' questions or the idea that because I am a mother my best skill is helping out in kids church.

It makes me sad in a way but the performing I am doing at the moment is challenging and powerful and I am happy to be putting my time in there rather than for a church.

Fallout From The Perth Writer's Festival

So last week I was really hoping for...well I'm not sure but I sure as heck didn't expect to be the most depressed I have been in along time. Here is what I wrote last Saturday.

My mind is mush. I am feeling so totally out of my depth. I thought I'd feel comfortable here with people who share my passions but instead I can't remember the last time I felt so uncertain. Right now all I want to do is lock myself in a room and go back into myself.

I wonder if it's because on some level I don't like to give of myself, to risk. I don't want to be laughed at or pitied. I am kind of waiting for someone to pat me on the head and say 'it really is time for you to give up on your dreams, can't you see that it is time for you to grow up and join the real world'.

And I feel sad because I haven't doubted myself like this in a long time.

TIME PASSES

I'm beginning to think this weekend is designed to make me feel like an outcast. I get to my seat for 'The Feast Of Words' and I'm at the far end, with no menu, no butter knife, no place setting gift and an empty space across from me. Is there any better way to make me feel as solitary as possible through the evening. Only one person next to me and on diagonally opposite. Probably not going to speak to anyone all evening, at least I can reach the wine bottle without moving.

Then when I said I'd taken the menu from the setting of the woman who sat next to me, she got really pissy.

That is all from saturday. I will add though that the woman diagonally across was a real joy to share a meal with. It didn't turn out to be too bad an evening, though I still felt depressed. And unfortunately still do a bit.

Drab Is Coming

I have to say I really struggled this week. Not so much with faith, I am quite alright with our decision to go to a different church every other week. It gives us the chance to experience different preaching, church styles and catch up with friends.

No my struggle has mostly been with work.

After having just been told they (the powers that be) don't want the stores to lose their character and passion we have just received a litany of new regulations.

* Uniforms - one must always act on your best behaviour when wearing the company logo...(I don't mind a uniform so much but excuse me you can't tell me what I can and can't say and do when I'm outside of work hours, irrespective of a logo on my uniform)

* No water bottles on the shop floor (this came in a week or two ago) - a stupid regulation because apparently we aren't allowed to drink water apart from when on our breaks - three hours with nothing to drink, excuse me I drink two bottles of water a day and do a lot of walking and lifting stuff.

* No visible tattoos and piercings - there is certain staff members gone.

* Obviously coloured hair is discouraged - guess that's me gone. (What gives them the right to tell me what colour my hair should be? It's not like we work in some boutique/upper class place.

Now I work where I do for two reasons 1) it's a book shop

2) I could keep my own style and personality

Thing is we aren't a bookstore any more - they want us to be a gift store (I've spent more time organising toys and sidelines than books in this last week) and now they are killing off my personality.

You can bet though they still want me to do things like holiday dress-ups. It isn't going to happen, I'm sorry you can't kill my individuality off and still expect me to jump through hoops when you want.

Please oh please won't somebody pay me to write instead.

About four more weeks before I find out if I made the cut for the Writers Retreat.

Bali Day Two

Okay so continuing on with my Bali notes. i'll try to post the rest more quickly this week, it has taken a bit of adjusting getting back into the swing of work and I now have a deadline for my novel.

SO

Bali Day Two

Well you certainly learn things about yourself when you travel and I’ve learnt several valuable lessons. I can’t haggle for crap. Haggling doesn’t stop over pricing if you have no reference base when you go in. I hate haggling, even when I knock an okay percentage off it still pisses me off. I don’t enjoy it, in fact I find it painfully annoying and a waste of time.

More annoying though are the store people who won’t leave us the hell alone. Other people say no to them and they are allowed to move on we say know and they follow us. It’s because we can’t move so fast because we have the girls.

I realised I have no patience. Okay so I’ve always known my patience is a little thin on the ground but today took it to new extremes. My personal space got very tested and I very much wanted to rip a persons head off. They were totally freaking our girls out. It’s hard being asked 10 times in 5 minutes “what’s your name?’, ‘how old are you?’, ‘hi five’. Just having kids apparently means we are fair game.

I’m tired, I’m grumpy and I’m worried about the girls. MJ is alright but has a limited attention span. KJ gets tired easily, her eyes are red from the pool, mozzies seem to like her like they did me when I was younger and her hand is a little swollen, we think it was scratched or grazed and already seems to be going down but still I’m worried.

I have also realised I have serious platinum tastes and just not the budget for it, I honestly don’t want knock offs. Have I mentioned I hate shopping! I don’t really think like Bali all that much.

When the Going Gets Tough

The last couple of weeks have been tough, emotionally. One day I came home from work and I’d been in the house for less than five minutes with the girls saying ‘mummy I want,’ ‘mummy can I’, ‘mummy…’ and I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor in front of the fridge in tears.

There’s just so much I want out of life, there’s so much I try to do and it seems that just when I start to smooth things out; the real estate agent gets on my case about rent I’d already paid but they’d lost, or work goes to crap because the powers that be…well who knows what they’re thinking, the mechanic makes excuses for why he didn’t do all the work he was supposed to.

It’s so hard to stay focussed and on target sometimes.

Then into all this I find out a close friend who has been faithful in doing what he believes God has told him to do even when it’s been tough, had a cancer removed from his bowel. They think they got it all.

And so I end up sitting on the floor of the shower, crying and pouring out all my frustration to God because I just don’t know what else to do. All I know is that I can’t be the only one who wonders why they try when things seem to fall into place for those who turn their backs on God.

I wonder and I question and I cry because I don’t know what else to do.

Waiting and Time Wasting

Okay I’m more than a little pissed off. I couldn’t find my centrelink (welfare) form today – the last one I should have to hand in, or second last as I start work next week. No big deal I thought, go up to the counter and she’ll print one off, take about a minute, I’ll fill it out, another minute and hand it to her. Boy how wrong was I. Some woman came over to me and said I needed to go with her to register for self service, then I had to sit and wait for an appointment to do something I neither wanted nor needed. Now I’m wasting my time sitting on my butt while crappy morning infotv is on.

The system is a pain in the butt for those who aren’t trying to wrought it. As a result of incredible inefficiency I’m monumentally pissed off when I should already be out of here. The people in front of me were in the wrong line and if the woman at the counter hadn’t spent so much time on them – not that they seemed to listen or understand her, then I would be out of here.

I hate the bureaucracy of centrelink – sometimes I think they work it this way just to piss off those who need it for a time, or they think we’re all stupid and deserve to jump through pointless hoops. Maybe it’s that they need to justify the No. of people they have on staff and the time it takes to do everything.