Bad Parenting On My Holidays

Damn it, my holiday time is nearly over. I have a week to finish all those things I planned on doing during my holidays and I think that still includes about 40000 words of writing for at least one WIP. Still it has been awesome doing all the things I've done. Watched a heap of movies and recorded shows. Got myself some cool toys to help with my writing. Caught up with some friends. Done a bit of reading. In fact todays great achievement was finishing two books.
I also have managed to get my fitness stuff back on track, and there lies a small problem. My munchkins have decided to get into fitness in their own way. This is awesome for them but has proven a little frustrating for me. They both want to go running with me but they are little and not so little. A run for me can be almost an hour long thing up around 7+ kms. For them the little one can do 2kms with interval training included the older one 4kms, and while this is an awesome effort it means I don't tend to do my running on days I do that. Their pace is slower and I try not to get frustrated or push them too hard. In a way I'm incredibly proud of them for what they are able to do, but I still must admit to feeling a little frustrated.
Then they try to use my weights and other workout things, as well as trying to get me to train them when all I want to do is flake. I know I should treasure those moments as the time we have with are children is so fleeting but… Frustration.
Looking at it from a different way though perhaps I should consider the reason they want to do this stuff is because I do this stuff and they want to be involved with what I like.
Lets face it my work isn't something to share with them and the life of a writer is, by default, fairly solitary. I don't always want to watch what they want to but perhaps I should allow myself that time without feeling guilty that I am not doing something more productive. Tricky to manage sometimes considering that for me reading isn't wasting time, I get sent books to review so I have to read them, if I don't I won't get more books, and I must have new books.
As a parent part of you thinks you should cherish all the moments you get but it is so much easier to just focus on ourselves in regards to how we use our time. 'I don't have time to watch you run in circles around the back yard Jonny because I have shopping to do, Facebook to check, a drink to get myself'.
In short I have one week left to make sure I help with homework, reading them stories, watching something whilst curled up with them or just going for a little jog, then work happens again and my schedule becomes a little more complicated. The thing is children sometimes just want to know they rate on your scale of important things and if that means it takes me half an hour to cover 2kms with a playground stop, then you know what? I will put aside 20 mins to spend with my fitness interested munchkin.

Evaluation

So this year is drawing to an end, it's not really the time we focus on what we have achieved but rather on what gifts we are giving and to whom. Me I feel like a quick evaluation is worth it at this point.
So what have I achieved: I finished my probation period at work and I'm still gainfully employed; I completed Tough Mudder; I vollied at a con and got asked to do others; I got asked to play a bigger role for one of the sites I review for; I am still writing.

Now is not the time to get complacent about any of this, and it would be so easy to do just that. I'm on holiday, Christmas is drawing near and most people are winding down. So lets evaluate and start looking forward to next year.

Me work goes on as normal, mine is not a job particularly altered by Christmas, we still need to work, we don't close down, not even for one day. I will be working Christmas Eve and Christmas night, it is going to be a first for me, for our family but we will manage. The thing is little things like this aren't big in the grand picture of things, it is something that is so very easily worked around. So my next little goal  is to give my kids an awesome Christmas that may be a little different from those of previous years.

I'm currently doing this ridiculous thing called 30 Burpees a Day for 30 Days. And yes it is as ridiculous as it sounds, and yes burpees are horrible things… but it is a goal and it is a good time to have a goal like this because it stops me falling into pre-festive season laziness. For those who may be interested I have signed up to do a Spartan Sprint this year as well as Tough Mudder again, the difference is that the Sprint is shorter and all about your time. So my fitness goals are continuing to have a strong hold on me, though there are days I really just want to not do anything.

I am already looking at the cons I want to do next year and how to work them into my schedule. So this is a goal for next year but the key with a goal like this one is it doesn't have to be a self-centred goal. I figure if I go interstate for something like this why shouldn't I take the family and make it a family holiday at the same time?

Goals simply do not have to be serious - you know work or fitness related. A goal can be anything really that you want to do or achieve. A goal can be fulfilling something silly on your bucket list, if you have. In this case I want to do something nice with my family and combining these two things is a perfect fit. Now if only I can pull it off both financially and with time away from work.

The other thing about goals or dreams is sometimes you have to know when to let go. I have done no acting in the last 12 months and yes I miss it, and yes I'm feeling the urge to get back up on the stage again. The thing is when you evaluate you need to make sure you are not spreading yourself to thin and thereby making yourself useless to those around you.
For me that means something may need to go and well the desire to make it as a writer is stronger than my desire to get back on stage. It is hard enough to get a writing project finished while I'm working full time, if I have decided I'm serious about my writing I'm going to have to put more time into it.

Time is one of those things some of us never seem to have enough of, which really just means we need to manage our time better. After a 12 hr shift though I admit it is really hard to get motivated to doing anything, which is why I'm trying to uses this time of leave to get myself into some good habits, like working out nearly everyday. If I can get my body expecting to workout for a bit whenever I sit my butt down to watch tv, then hopefully it will be easier to do just that.

The same applies with my writing, I need to get myself back to that place where I set myself a goal for every day. There are times when that goal is simply a few words and there are times that it needs to be more than that. I haven't done NaNo this year because I simply didn't think I'd be able to fit it in with everything else I've had vying for my leave time, also because I wanted to work on WIP's not something new.

I will get there because of this mind set:

So I know I need to break my writing into smaller goals, like I have done with my fitness. So my first stage is to complete the first draft of book one, then the first draft of book two, then you know how it goes - editing stages. I also have about 3 other WIP's so each of those can be broken into small goals as well. Hopefully by this time next year I will have some completed manuscripts (at least first drafts if nothing else).

So to sum up my evaluation: I have achieved some awesome things in these last 12 months, some I never ever would have thought I would; and I am in a good place as this year winds down and we head into the new one, I have wonderful things to achieve in my life and I believe I will get there.

I just need to work on them. That's the thing with goals, we need to work on them and not be afraid to sweat for them.

I Came and Kicked Its Ass

I did it.

The thing that has been my goal for the last 12+ months I have now done. It was awesome. More than that I conquered one of the obstacles I really thought there was no way I would.

Not all that long ago there was no way I would have thought it possible. In fact there was a time when a couple of us who competed would have laughed at the suggestion and assumed the person speaking had hit the theatre bar a little early. 'You think I'm going to what over 20kms?!' Goals are funny things though. Some people are good with them, some not so good. Me, I am grateful for my headstrong personality which means once I've set my mind to do something there better be a really good reason for me not to get it done. That is not just with things such as fitness goals, though that is a huge thing for people at the moment. I'm all for setting fitness goals, I still have them, I need to continue on the path I've set myself on, there is simply no way I am going to let that go now, I've got next year to prepare for and it looks as though I will compete in more than one event. The feeling the kind of success that is reaching your goals brings, is AWESOME! I am determined to push harder.

It is the same determination that should be applied to all aspects of life though. If I only applied it to one area then my life is likely to get all out of whack. My family don't want someone who is obsessed with just one thing to to detriment of everything else. That kind of thinking makes for a very one dimensional and yes very boring person. All of us can probably be a little that way, if you don't want to be stuck talking about the one topic for hours then never bring up books with me.

Fortunately I have other goals that drive me, and I have set those before me as I did my fitness goal. I finished my first novel, now my next goal there is to make it into two on the advice of someone who knows better than me. I am part way there and I plan on using my time off to get further there. Goals can be a great thing. Don't let them become a narrow focus for you though because we all need to be more than one dimensional beings, we all need something else in our lives just in case it turns to crap, as it sometimes does.

There is just one other thing I want to say about goals. Sometimes it can be a great help to have someone along side you. Someone with the same goal, or a similar one. Someone to encourage you and pick you up. Someone who will just boot your ass if needed.

Those of you have been there for me in my Tough Mudder journey you know who you are and I thank you. Those of you who are there for my writing pursuits I thank you too. Without friends and support it can be hard to reach the end. Without someone to boot your butt occasionally it can be easy to slip into the slumber of apathy that says, 'well I tried it once, it doesn't matter if I try again'.

Trying to Keep On Top

Somedays really drag,

I wish they didn't but that is the truth of it. There are just so many things I want to be doing with my time - reading, writing, training, catching up with friends. The stuff I have to do doesn't even rate on my list - cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing. I freely admit I am a sucky housekeeper, I would much rather be curled up with a book until ridiculous hours of the morning than do my dishes. Growing up is about understanding that some things just need to get done and believe me there are days I wish I could forget I'm supposed to be a grown up. How can you follow your dreams when reality gets in the way? How can I work on getting published when I work 12 hr shifts? The truth is I only manage by doing what I can each day. If that means it is only a few words, then at least it is still better with the number of words I had started the day with. Because I review books even sitting curled up with a book is considered productive on some level for me (a fact for which I am eternally grateful although it would be nice to get paid to do it). Sometimes it feels the least productive days are the ones I'm at work, though without those I couldn't afford to do the other things I love. I have to admit though at least I have a job I like, and yes I am fully aware of the fact that most people struggle to understand how I could like it, (it helps to have a twisted sense of humour). With Tough Mudder looming next weekend that has more of my focus right now than my writing does, but that will change once Mudder is over, no matter what the result. I get that people think I'm silly to want to do this, for me though it is the challenge of doing something I never would have dreamed possible a few years ago. I suppose life is a varied and awesome thing and if you are prepared to embrace it and the changes it throws your way then your life can be so much more than you thought possible. You don't need to be some kind of special and superhuman to achieve this, you just need to be flexible enough to change and determined enough to keep moving forward even if it is only one baby step at a time.

Road Blocks

So it's already October, that means my biggest challenge of the year is looming.

That's right this is my biggest challenge; 20kms, 20+ obstacles. It is going to be brutal and hopefully fun.

I have been training hard for this. I have worked hard this last year and a half on my fitness and strength. The time is getting short to get a good amount of training in before the day. There are days when I just don't want to go out but I do. There are days that I think a little bit will be good enough and I end up pushing myself further than ever. Then there are days like the other day. I went out to push the distance, to see how far I could go before dinner. A couple of hundred meters down the road I thought my hip felt a bit sore but pushed it aside thinking 'it's just a little pain I can push through it I'm sure Mudder will come with more pain'. So I kept running, till about 2kms from home I heard this bone crunching kind of sound and my leg almost gave out from under me.

Do you have any idea how mush it sucks to be injured this close to your goal event? A lot. For someone like me it's not just the injury that is the problem, it's the fact it makes me feel weak. There is a part of me that thinks I should just push hard through it. Then there is a smaller part of me that knows it is better if I rest it for a bit at least. Fortunately for me the smaller part is bolstered by the support of my other half who has been a great support and trainer through all my self inflicted torture. He tells me I'm not to go out, he reassures me that taking some time off doesn't make me weak. I have had to accept limitations this week and I don't do well with limitations. What keeps me from trying to run through the pain though is knowing I don't have to let this road block stop me. I just need to be a little patient, like with any road block it is just a temporary thing, before long you can get back on your way. I have to believe that. I have to believe I will be back out there soon because I've already paid my entry fee and I'll be stuffed if I'm going to forfeit that for a little owie. (Of course I would feel a bit better if my owie had some external indication of pain so I could show it as a badge of courage.)

My Life Is Richer For My Friends

I turned 40 a few months ago and because I was so busy I was unable to have my party till the weekend just gone. It was awesome.
It wasn't a big affair. It wasn't a fancy affair. It was a backyard barbecue with friends. I know people throw parties and invite dozens of people. They ask them to BYO all sorts apparently (though some don't). They get stressed about catering for everyone and probably can't get around to talking properly to everyone they invited.
Me I over cater. I always over eater. That's fine though because it means I have enough food to last for the rest of the week. My kids think it's great coz there is so much cool drink and junk food left in the house they will be on a sugar high for two weeks. I like to provide for those I invite, it makes me happy.
The best thing, the very best thing about my party was the chance to catch up with some of the most awesome friends ever. True friends are those you may not get to see very often but there will always be a connection. They are the people who will be there when you really need them. They will even dress up in silly 80's costumes just because I asked them too.

My friends are the best.
I am blessed to have such awesome people in my life.
These are people who stand by you when it goes to shit. They are people who will go out of their way to make sure you are okay if something terrible happens (like your mum gets sick). They are the people who stand by you when you need to vent. Or you loose a job, or you are just having an unsettled time being a parent.
True friends are the ones who accept you for your good points, your bad ones and your quirky tendencies. They will do things they may not be real comfortable doing because you ask them too. True friends make you laugh, understand when you need to cry and are there when you need to throw something.
Friends also do something else. They make you better. I suppose they can make you worse if you pick bad ones, but mine don't fit into that category. My friends push me to keep going. They inspire me, they encourage me. They give me a kick when I need it. My interactions with them have impacted on my life and I really think they help me to be better.

I am truly blessed with my friends and I wouldn't change what I had for all the big arse, expensive, fancy parties, with loaded gift tables, for anything, because I know without a question what I have is of far more worth than anything you can buy anywhere for any price.
One of them said the most amazing thing to me, she said even though she hadn't felt like coming she had to because it was me and she would always do that for me. (I know she spent ages in costume places because of me, even though she'd have rather done just about anything else except go back to her old job, and that is pretty damn special.)
To my friends and you know who you are, my life is so much richer just because you guys are in it. Thank you.

Not As Young As I Was

Statement of fact really for every one of us. When we were younger 30 seemed so old. 40 was just about ancient let alone 50 or 60. Now I'm here at 40 I don't feel old, I still feel like me. Young, silly and not ready to consider myself as old.
Of course it helps that I'm fitter now than I have been in years but the truth is that, in and of itself, is an indication of getting older. Once upon a time I didn't really have to do anything to fit into smaller size clothing, now I need to watch what I eat to an extent and sweat on a regular basis. Neither of which it turns out, do I have a problem with.
Every now and then though my body decides to let me know that I'm not 20 anymore. It chose to do that this weekend, when I picked my munchkin up and went to flip her around. I threw my back out more than throwing my daughter around and have spent the last two days babying it and keeping it warm so as to make the healing process short.
I am sure there was a time that wouldn't have happened. Thing is though it is an inconvenience but that is all. So I won't run this weekend, so I won't get to pound on my newly put up heavy bag. I refuse though to let this little indication of not being so spritely bother me.
When you are actually young, you often think growing old would have to suck. Actually it's pretty good fun. Life is made up of experiences and choices and quite often you are simply better equipped to make better choices when you are older. When you are younger you think nothing much can touch you. When you are older you realise there is a fair chance crap will happen at some point and it's all about how you choose to deal with it.
I love being the age I am. I wouldn't go back to being 21 again for quids, (maybe 30 I would). Truthfully, I actually think I'm a better person now, though there are days I wish to not have the responsibilities of a grown up. Life is fun because I choose to have fun. Life is productive because I choose to make it that way.
Sure there are things I wish I could change, most people probably have something they would like different in their lives, but those things are things I'm still working on. Age can give you a wonderful perspective if you let it.

Changes

Life is full of change. The thing is to embrace it.
Not always the easiest thing to do.
We have just shifted. A change and a pain in the butt. The nice thing is though the house we have moved to is an awesome fit for us, for all the baggage and stuff we bring with us. A more ordinary house would not suit us because; well a muso and a writer have certain needs. I am looking forward to the day the boxes are all gone.
The other thing is I've taken the plunge and had some art added to my skin. I get that some people really disagree with tattoos and that's fine. For me the choice was not lightly made. It's something I've thought about for a long time. I know that for many it's just a hip thing to do. For me that had nothing to do with it. I'm about as unhip as you get. I wouldn't know fashion if I fell over it.
For me the choice was very personal and the design I chose was equally personal. The first place I approached tried to suggest I get something that suited them better. 'Hello sunshine this is something that is going to be on my body for ever why would I want to have something I didn't ask for?'
In the end I took my two inspiration pieces to a guy and he designed me the most amazing piece. I put a lot of research into my piece. I know what it means in a general way and I know what it means to me. My piece was inspired by the central character in my fantasy novel. She has many tattoos and they all have very specific meanings.
My tattoo is a promise to myself to continue to work on my novel and one day get it published.

This is so beautiful.

Work is keeping me busy, writing is keeping me busy, when I get the chance to do so. 

I have so many things I still want to do. I want to teach my kids to embrace the excitement of life, of change. You don't need to do what others expect of you. Let's face it I've never been particularly good at making others happy. There are times in your life that you simply need to make a choice about what is the right next step for your life.  I want them to know that to live is to sometimes push yourself outside of your comfort zone. This latter after all is why I'm in training for Tough Mudder. Never in a million years would I have thought this would be something I would do but it is the right thing for me at this time.

Then again I never expected to have the career I've got. Yet it is a job I really like. Being willing to embrace change, to look outside the square is what got me to this stage of my life and it's a place I feel very happy in.

Don't run away from change. Change can bring the most amazing things into your life. Change can bring real beauty. Change stops life becoming stagnant. To really live is to embrace change.

Well That Just Sucks

We should've got our house. Not going to happen it seems. The no is for the sake of two months, or $30 a week, or the inflated tax rate to cover my old uni fees, or the simple fact that I know how to survive without a credit card (which means you end up with no real credit rating).
So all those things I finally got around to unpacking again need to be packed. Totally not my favourite past time.
When I found out I cried. I shouted. I swore. And I ranted at God how is this fair, how is it fair that some people land on their feet all the damn time, they seem to get many of the breaks and people will look at them and go 'well lets see what we can do to sort that for you.' When they look at me it so often seems they try to find all the possible faults, all ways in which we don't fit.
Thing is though, this kind of thing has happened so many damn times in my life that really at this stage it is just kind of boring now.

So for 20 minutes I pitched a fit. Then I accepted the fact my plans had been tossed in the air again only to fall in some random manner at my feet.
I walked out of my shower, got dressed and went and spoke to my family. Within that very short space of time I had gone through a total 180 degree change of attitude.
Why?
Well that's easy really. Because I decided too. I have a family who love me. A job that puts a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in our mouths (as an added bonus it's a job I like). I have enough time to spend with friends and family and to indulge my love of writing (or rather my need to create). Where I actually live makes no real difference to any of that. Sure shifting is a pain in the butt you'll find no argument from me on that count.
So much of life though is how you look at things. I chose to look at the good and accept what I can't really change. The other thing is I don't know what the future holds. My plans could have had fundamental flaws that I couldn't see. It's even possible something that never entered into my calculations was around the corner.
Something awesome could be coming and who am I to focus just on the crap and not the possibilities.

Choices are what make the difference in life. I have been knocked over so many times that after I get over my initial frustration or disappointment I think to myself 'is that all you've got world?' You say I can't have it, I say 'you watch me get better'. I choose to look at what I've got, I choose to say I am not going to give up.
I choose to open my eyes to possibilities. Which means when I pick up a book that I'd put aside a while ago, I can see clearly a new idea that jumps in front of me. Two days ago I was frustrated. Today I am excited for the future. Today a new dimension popped into my mind for a new story idea that has been simmering and a new thought for our financial future also bloomed in a corner of my mind.
Sometimes the suckiest things turn out to be the very thing that sharpens the focus.

A Culture of Blame

My job puts me in many a strange situation. It was never a job I thought I would have. It's not really the sort of job you think about at any time when someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

The thing I want to talk about today is devolution.

I have never in my life seen anyone devolve so totally as I did this week. I saw a grown woman go from being a 30 something to a little child in the space of several minutes.
It was freaky. Seeing someone who has functioned like an adult in every situation you've seen them in, suddenly sit there, rocking, shaking, refusing to open her eyes and crying for her mummy.
In amongst the info dump that happened in those 20 odd minutes where I tried to talk her down, or back to reality, I noticed something. A decided lack of responsibility.
Everyone else was responsible for the position this woman found herself in.

It is so sad that a great number of us have crappy moments in our lives and we just get on with it, but there is an increasing number, it seems, who think everything bad that happens to them is because of what someone else does or did. It's the police's fault that someone goes to jail - it's got nothing to do with the drugs they were on and the actions they took. It's the old person's fault they nearly died because they wouldn't hand over their money and jewellery. And the list goes on.
Me, things don't go as planned well I come up with another plan. I may rant and rave, even throw the occasional pillow but I certainly don't go and commit a crime and blame someone else. Believe me I have had quiet a few downs in my life, more bumps in the road than I would have liked. It can be hard when you know people who always seem to land on their feet. You know the ones - those who squander the amazing opportunities you would give, well not quite anything for, but then they get another and another. You want to slap them upside the head, jump up and down and demand they introduce you to the person who made them the offer because you would like nothing more than to say 'pick me'. It is not to be though, and so we pick ourselves up and go on.
I don't really know where this culture of blame has come from and to be honest I don't know if it's really getting worse or if I just notice it more the older I get.
It is so sad. It makes me want to just take some of these people and shake some sense into them. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure that won't work. No amount of shaking will make a difference till these people want to step up and start acting like adults and taking responsibility. Sure crap happens and it's not always in our control what happens to us but how we respond, that is within our control.

So What's Going on in this World?

What's with what's going on in London?
I read or see something like that and I can't help but wonder.
I am truly appalled, and disgusted.
How could anyone do something like that?
Why did it take a 48 year old mother to have the guts to stand up and approach them?
How is it that so many people just stood there and watched?
It makes me wonder what I would have done.
I know someone who put forward a couple of interesting ideas, mostly as to why the people with cars just stopped or stayed around watching. Why did no-one think to get in a car and drive straight at them?
The question that comes after that one then is what would happen to you if you did that?
The perpetrators where shot to injure and then taken to hospital, would that same courtesy be granted to those who stood to stop such atrocities or would they have been shot and thrown in jail being charged with murder same as these terrible men?
It bears thinking about. We live in a precarious age. In a time where tolerance has perhaps opened the door to these actions.
I pray for London tonight. I pray for my friends and family in the UK. I pray this does not escalate.

Tough Mudder

So I am doing this.

Yes I know insane right. 20km mud run with 28 or so insane obstacles along the way.
Thing is exercise has become a largish chunk of my life. I work out several times a week (mostly). Running and I still have a love hate thing going on. I feel good after I do it but I can't get really good times or anything and I think it boils down to the fact I just don't have a runners build. I love the other stuff though, the weights, the cross fit kind of stuff and the boxing. I am fitter than I probably have ever been (except perhaps when I was doing gymnastics).
The benefits of exercise are two fold for me, sure I'm fitter and weigh less than I have in ages but the bigger benefit is the mental one. Maybe saying bigger isn't quite right. See when you look better you feel better, so the weight loss and body toning does have it's own two fold benefit, health wise you are better off and it can affect you mentally as well.
The mental one though is for me, exercise is stress relief. It produces those endorphins that give you that happy feeling. I'm pretty sure it somehow balances any bad chemical things out with good ones. I really don't claim to know how it works but the truth is when I work out I am less stressed and the rest of life then has less chance to get on top of me.

WooHoo!

Okay so it's only 12 days, well 10 now but I have some time off and it feels great. I go to bed at a time that feels more natural to me and get up at a time that feels more natural to me. I've done workouts, gone out with my kids, given my hubby time to work and low and behold got some editing done. It feels good.
What doesn't feel so good is my lower body, the workout session we had was tough and for some reason I always push myself hard at those, two days later and it still hurts to get up and sit down. So tomorrow is going to require another workout.
It is so good to take this time with my family. Sure it's been a slog to get here, 3 months study 5 days a week, and the first 4 months on the job have had union upheaval. Thing is though, I am having 12 days off, I've already had a block of 9 days, so added together I've had 3 weeks off and haven't touched my annual leave yet. How freaking awesome.
My munchkins love me being home, of course their love does at times make it a little hard to get the writing work done that I want to but I'm working on that.
Of course if I'm totally truthful my daughter started playing a damn addictive game on my computer and it has taken up small chunks of my time that would be better served elsewhere. Also I bought Les Mis today so that has to get watched sometime soon.
I love my family and the thing is we all need to find a way to make life and work, work for us. For me it is 12 hour shift work in a high pressure environment, for others it will be something else. 'Work life balance' is a phrase thrown around a lot but it's not always what they say it is. It can be what you make it to be. Life doesn't always fit in the boxes you want it to, it can be messy, chaotic and difficult to juggle, but making it work - well that is something only you can really do. Don't let someone else tell you what it is. Think it through, make up your mind and do what you need to. Family is precious and we can't all pack up for 6 weeks a year and go holidaying in the best places money can buy. Find your place and it will be great.

A Good Rant

I'm sorry I can't help myself, okay actually that's not strictly true I can help myself but it has been a while since I've had a really good rant and this week has provided me with a great topic.
In my country, a bunch of juvenile offenders trashed their 'detention facility', they did massive amounts of damage and it will be months before bits of it are inhabitable again. So as a result a bunch of these offenders have been transferred to a nearby adult custodial facility (yes a prison).
Personally I have no issue with this. Sure I realise the situation is a bit different but custodial is custodial, it's just juvies are treated with soft gloves.
Here's where my rant kicks into gear.
Parents of these kids are trying to sue the government for inhumane treatment of their kids.
HMMMM!
Well excuse me, why were these kids there in the first place? Oh that's right; drugs, rape, burglary, aggravated assault... the list goes on. These kids weren't where they were because they are stellar examples of society, they are there because they are little shits. A point which is only proven by the fact that they rioted, destroying sections of the centre they were housed in.
These kids are currently not being kept in general population, they are separated from big boys, though I feel it should be pointed out that some of these 'kids' aren't exactly kids, there are some still there in their 20's. A fact that begs the question why the hell weren't they transferred to adult prison when they hit 18?
That aside, the complaints seem to be that: the kids aren't getting fed properly, I'm pretty sure they would get fed the same as anyone else in the facility and no-one else is complaining; they are in mainstream adult prison - they aren't, they are in totally separate units; they aren't getting enough exercise - well I can't say how much they are or aren't getting but prisons are governed but fairly strict legislation that ensures minimum requirements for that sort of thing but it may not be what they were getting because there are plenty of other prisoners that need to be catered for.
These kids have food, clothes, medical and dental treatments, tv's, time to get outside, access to games consoles. I would like to take a moment to point out that there are plenty of people out there who don't have all of that.
In short here is my suggestion. If these families want to sue on behalf of their misbehaving offspring then fine, we should let them go ahead, on the condition that they pay for the damage to the detention centre and for the medical bills of the staff who were involved in the incident. Surely that is fair after all.
All of this begs another question; where were these parents when these kids were participating in behaviours that saw them arrested in the first place? And what about their victims in all this? Are these parents paying restitution to the victims or do they just expect the taxpayer to pick up the tab on all fronts?
Oh I know that not everyone who commits a crime comes from the same type of background but there are generalisations about this sort of thing for a reason.

Tired & Frustrated

I am tired and frustrated. It's not pretty but it is the truth. I like my job, I like the hours because I get to spend more time with my kids. I'm glad we've got the house sorted out but the saving stage of right now is frustrating. In no small part because I have plans and I can't follow through on them till everything is signed and so on.
I just want to get things done. At the moment this interim stage is frustrating me. I want to get my book finished, I want to get my office sorted out. I have stuff I'm trying to give away but no-one wants it. There are things I want to do but I just can't at the moment. It is soooooo frustrating!!!
I have a break coming up in a month though for a week and a half and you better believe I am looking forward to it.

Time Out

I took some time out today. Purely spent some time and money on myself. It was a bonus that my family chose to join me. I threw myself into other people's creativity and it was good.
I am tired and not at all sure I feel like going to work tomorrow but I feel good.
Of course it was good that I stuck to my budget. That is always a positive thing.
On the down side, if there is a down side - I started a new collection today - I bought signed prints from illustrators. I now need frames for all my pics and illustrations.
Time out is a very important thing. There are times in our lives we need to just step away from our commitments and allow ourselves to breathe.
This works best of course if you can pick a thing to do and stick to a budget. So much easier said than done. It can be very easy to fall into this leisure zone and stay there. That's when there is trouble because that is when budgets get blown and stress levels increase.
That will not be happening to me at the moment because I stuck to my budget. However a new collection could prove costly. I am ever so thankful that God blessed me with the ability to budget and stick to it.
Thank you God for good financial management and the ability to take some time away for me.

Things

Firstly the good news. The stress about the house is not a thing anymore. Our offer was accepted. Dare to Dream indeed. God is good.

Secondly to the thing I really want to post about.

Judgment.

I have discovered a few things about myself since I started my new job. I have a rather strange capacity to deal with those many would consider to be the dregs of society without judging them.
Sure I know some of them have done really terrible things and I simply cannot understand how someone can do some of the things I know these people have done. Still I find I can just treat these people as people.
So many people have said to me that they could not do my job. I on the other hand quiet enjoy it. It's a very strange feeling having someone like that cry on your shoulder and thank you for not treating her like shit and making her time in the facility better.
Someone asked me the other day if I knew what so and so had done. I said no, I hadn't gone looking. They promptly told me I needed to make sure I knew who I was dealing with. My response was I never forget where I work and the type of people I work with. I find myself strangely uninterested in finding out the gory details though.
They say when you start my job that you shouldn't go in thinking you would ever make a difference, you might in one person's life in your entire career if you are fortunate. I didn't go in thinking I would make a difference, but in a very short period of time I have discovered that it makes a huge difference if you don't go in thinking you are better than them, if you don't look down your nose judging them all the time.
Not for a minute do I think they really like me, or that in given situations they wouldn't turn on me. What I do have a better understanding of is the value of judgement.

          Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge 
          others, you will be judged, and with the same measure you use, it will 
          be measured to you. 
          - Matthew 7:1-2

We are exhorted to not judge others yet we do in so many ways. We often stand on our own little pedestal and look down at those around us for many reasons. We only see small snippets and judge on that moment. Just because I do so well at work doesn't mean I don't struggle with this in other areas of my life. I think work is different simply because in some way I am able to detach myself from the circumstances. In life I don't have that detachment.

In life I see an overweight person in lycra stuffing their faces with junk food and my thoughts aren't at all positive. I see someone swearing at their children and calling them stupid, and instead of not judging I just want to smack them one. I see someone unable to put clothes on their children's backs and yet still have enough money to buy smokes and booze and I want to knock some sense into them. I see a girl put up with an abusive relationship and I want to shake her till she sees the truth.

In so many little things I judge. This does not make me unique. 

I don't have a total handle on this not judging thing yet and honestly I probably never will. What I do have is a greater understanding of what it means to someone who has done crappy things, and yes even terrible things, not to be judged. It gives them a chance to look at what they have done, take responsibility for it and make steps to change things.

Next time you feel the urge to look down your nose at someone, take a moment to think about what your judgment could mean. 

Grasping at Straws

'Hi this is your real estate agent you have 60 days to vacate, bye'.
Well that sux.
We really thought we'd have these 12 months to save so we could just move into a place of our own. It turns out not. Things just aren't that simple in our lives.
I've finally settled into the new job, though there is still so very much to learn, but I''m comfortable enough to do overtime. This was going to kickstart our savings. Now though this is not an option.
So we find ourselves in a kinda nowhere land. Rentals are damn difficult to get and the cost of getting into another rental is so close to what we would have to pay for a mortgage that it would negate our ability to save or severely restrict it. But we are looking. We are also looking at buying, With my new income we have to ability to get a loan but the problem is we only seriously started doing this saving thing since January and banks won't look at us seriously till we've 3 months of proof that we can save, 6 weeks just isn't good enough.
Still we've been looking.
The problem we really have is that we are in a big place, we have certain needs that mean a normal 4 x 1 or 2 won't suit. Believe me we've looked. I will probably have to sacrifice my office but I can live with that. I won't be the first writer to use the kitchen table. And I suppose I can put my books into storage (I'm not sure I am in a place to sell them). We still need a place for hubby to run the business from home and the only places we've seen so far have tiny little spaces that simply won't work.
Then yesterday something happened. God spoke to me. I really felt His presence for the first time in ages. Not that I haven't prayed till yesterday. I pray often but without question I have felt a distance in my faith. I still have no home church but I haven't been willing to walk away from my faith. I believe in God I just don't get along with the church (if you've read my blog you know about my struggles here).
Anyway, yesterday I was just praying for peace about the whole situation, that God would have the right place for us. And I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I felt God saying He was in control and that I needed to dare to dream and to trust Him.
Well we were looking in an area we'd never considered but someone had told us a property was about to go on the market that would be in our price range. It's an area we've thought might not be a bad one to be in before, so that seemed good. Of course the person that told us about it knew nothing about the house yet. So that was a possible we could work with that. Dare to dream.
Then on the way home we received a call from the real estate agent of the house we are currently in saying it had been valued lower than we were expecting and it would totally be within our price range. Stunned is the only word to describe what we felt. Dare to dream. This would make things so much better for us. We wouldn't have to pack and move and shift the girls (they love the school they are in), it even suits our bizarre needs.
Our mortgage broker gave us a plan.
We took it to the agent feeling positive and he said the owner probably wouldn't go for it because he wanted get it all done in a much shorter time that would really work for us.
Crushed. Frustrated. Annoyed. These words are all apt to describe the way I was and am feeling. So much for Dare to Dream. I just have had enough of having things in our grasp and having them ripped away.
So today has been a days of ups (Valentine's Day with my hubby) and downs.
I keep telling myself that the owner hasn't said no yet or that there is something better out there. I keep repeating God is in control, if He wants us to have this house it will happen. I keep hoping for a miracle, one that really doesn't involve having to find a short term rental.  In the meantime trying to figure out the best plan of action is frustrating at best.
PS. If anyone knows of a place like the one in the picture that will fit our budget then please let us know.

15 Years and Some

I've been married to the best man ever for a little more than 15 years now. Like every marriage (I guess) we have high points and low points. Today now my man has gotten on a plane to go to his half brother's funeral. Funerals are difficult times but that isn't what I wanted to talk about right now.
I actually want to get a bit pukey. Hubby hasn't even been gone for 3 hours yet and I miss him. Silly right?
Thing is though this is the longest we will be apart since our youngest was born 5 and a half years ago. I work 12 hour shifts which is longer than he has been gone, I can work 36 hours in 3 days and yet there is something to be said for the knowledge of going home to my man. I can work madly but know things will be fine because my man is home. I can do so many things, I get involved in theatre shows, I go shopping, I even occasionally do girly things like getting my hair done. Hubby gigs, spends time in music stores, and does stuff with his mates. So it's not even remotely like we have to do everything together.
Yet for 4 days we will be in different cities, and somehow I feel a little lost.
Sure I know he will be back and I know I will get through these four days but the heart feels what it feels and I miss him. Be safe baby and come home soon.
You know what else? I really, really know just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man who understands me in all my craziness and silliness and well just plain weirdness. Sure it may be silly to miss him but I don't care, that's just how much I love him.

Learning Curves

I thought it had been 2 weeks since I last wrote, turns out it is 3.
My life is in such a learning curve at the moment. Sure there is the new job, most people in the job reckon it'll be 2 years till you start to feel like you have a handle on things. I'm clarifying things about myself though and that is a good thing, or at least I think it is. Some people may not feel that way, I get that. Learning about yourself can be scary because we tend to live with bits of ourselves hidden in the shadows, most of us don't like to admit we have darker corners of our lives.
I work in an environment where people are who spend most of their time with the darker corners of their lives. It sometimes get you thinking.
People say their kids are their lives, but how can they be when they blow things by thinking one dose of party drugs won't hurt, or that person has a really nice tv I want that. I see people who live for themselves until they are caught by that then they suddenly remember there are other things to live for.
Me I would do anything for my kids and I don't have to worry that there is anything false in me saying that. I took a difficult job so I could ultimately spend more time with them and provide better for them. I would go to the wall for my kids and I know it without a doubt. How sad then to think about those who clearly have moments when they think that and others when they don't, who then get surprised when no-one believes them. I am grateful my kids will never have reason to question how important they are to me. (And yes I am fully aware there will come a time they will hate me.)
That is a positive that is reaffirmed in my life all the time.
There is however, a part of me that is a real cynic. A part of me that goes, 'you're kidding right!' I knew this part of me existed, it is the very reason I think I would make a terrible counsellor. I hear 'but I'm having relationship problems and think 'how does that make you special?' I hear how cruel the system is and I think 'how stupid are you to keep doing the thing that got you into trouble in the first place?' I hear 'I can't afford #####, you'll have to do it for me' and think 'why? if it happened to me and I can't afford it no-one will get it for me.'
This is the darker side of me. The side that probably wars with that 'good christian' who must be there some where. I embrace this about myself though. It makes me who I am but also puts a different spin on things to the one most christians would have.
We often make the mistake of believe God to be this great goody two shoes in the sky. C'mon admit it, you know that stereotype is there. This is the one that says 'everyone should get another chance', that 'everyone is good'. There comes a time though when the chances are up. Not everyone is always going to get another chance. There isn't an unlimited amount of time for things to happen in. You can't keep making crap choices and expect God to wipe the slate clean at the last minute. Why should he make everything easy for you once you finally admit to screwing up? Why should life be easy for you once you admit to being a screw-up?
We are responsible for our own actions, and it frustrates me immensely when people constantly blame others for their lot in life. No not everyone is as gifted academically but that doesn't mean they can't learn something. I'm not gifted as a teacher - several of my extended family members are, that doesn't mean I can't teach my girls how to make good lifestyle choices. I can't play music (very well) so I don't try. Others I know can't act so they don't get up on a stage. I was not born into a family with much money. In fact I have lived off welfare at various times in my life and I didn't feel that society owed me anything. It is always possible to improve yourself in someway. Life is about choices. It is about knowing yourself and sometimes the most important things we can learn are about our darker sides. If we know where our weaknesses are we can make choices to go a different way.
Me, I need to make sure my cynicism doesn't drown out my ability to empathise and care. I need to constantly feed that positive and brighter side of my life to balance out the dark.
We are comprised of shades and choices. Choose wisely and don't be afraid to look into the hidden corners, you may find knowing yourself better shows you strengths you never knew you had.
My cynicism makes it possible for me to deal more impartially with people than those who want to constantly believe in the good of people, or those who want to judge.