Merry Christmas

I will be back next year with more writing news, rants and chaos without doubt. In the mean time though should you read this then know I am wishing you a very merry, joyous and safe Christmas. Take safe and enjoy the time with your friends and family.
I pray that you are blessed and hopefully your walk is at least a little smooth at times. I'm not naive enough to wish for plain sailing all the time, how are we ever going to stretch and learn that way. Of course it would be nicer if we didn't have to.
Blessings and joy to you.

A Question

So it's another saturday night and I've been watching Tim Minchin. I think he is a very clever man. Thing is though he is quite clearly an atheist and has been very vocal in his opinion about christians. So this brings me to a question - is it wrong that I enjoy listening to/watching Tim Minchin's performances?'
Without a question I know there will be those who don't approve.
I also find him thought provoking.
I think listening to people like this really is thought provoking. Comedians either connect with you or they don't. However they are in many ways a good mirror for society. They let you know what many people are thinking or feeling.
His songs like Context are funny and so much more. Whether he actually wants to provoke thought or just entertain I don't know, and to be honest I don't much care.
The bible says for Christians to be the light of the world but sometimes we should take a step back maybe and see what sort of light it is we are shining on the world.
Oh I am fully aware that I am not what many people would consider to be a good christian, in fact luke warm is a phrase that springs to mind. The thing is I do believe in God, I don't think he is a 2011 year old zombie, I believe some things simply transcend our understanding. My problems lie more with the things people have done and continue to do in the name of religion.
Actually this, strangely brings to mind a scene from a popular children's book...
'Dad,' I said. 'When I was in the maze, I met  Antaeus. He said...well, he said he was your favourite son. He decorated his arena with skulls and '
'He dedicated them to me.' Poseidon supplied. 'And you are wondering how someone could do something so horrible in my name.'
I nodded uncomfortably.
Poseidon put his weathered hand on my shoulder. 'Percy, lesser beings do many horrible things in the name of the gods. That does not mean we approve. The way our sons and daughters act in our names...well, it usually says more about them than it does about us...'
From Percy Jackson and the Battle of the Labyrinth - Rick Riordan
Which illustrates the point I am trying to make perfectly. How much of what christians have done and continue to do really is a better reflection of who they are and what they are afraid of, than what God really intended?
It is easy to see I struggle with my faith, not so much the inward manifestation of it rather the outward manifestation. I believe there is a God, I believe Christ came, died and rose again. I believe there are angels and demons and I believe people have done more damage in the name of their god (whomever they believe that to be) than pretty much anything else.
I don't preach and yes I often get embarrassed when I see people doing so on the street. I will talk about my faith, I will tell you why I believe and it is more than just because of my mother's influence. I believe because I have experienced. Yes I was perhaps more open to the experience than others might be. I have felt the peaceful presence in an emotional storm. I have felt the utter certainty that things will happen and it will be more than it seems on the surface.
I understand the confusion though and why people struggle to believe. When there are wars, and criminals doing so many stupid & violent things, when there is disease and homelessness, sex crimes and slavery. It is so easy to see why people question, yet many people of my faith seem not to understand. They instead get on a soap box and say that certain things are wrong and the world is going to hell in a hand basket.
Well duh!
That in fact is the problem with free will. We are free to choose and not everyone will chose for someone other than themselves.
The problem with faith isn't really the faith it is the people involved who corrupt faith and therefore how it appears to others.
One thing I do know though is that the God I know has one heck of a sense of humour. If he didn't he wouldn't have used the calendar I posed naked for (to raise money for research ovarian cancer) to get a friend who hasn't spoken to me in ages, who cut me out of her life for some reason, to message me. I kid you not and I think that is funny even if you don't.
So Tim Minchin makes me think and makes me laugh. He's talking about guilty pleasures at the moment and I guess in some way that is really appropriate.

In Brief

If people didn't give into to their baser desires, our children would be much safer. Our innocents, whatever the age would be looked after. Greedy, selfish bastards of either sex, would get their just desserts.
I am lucky and I often forget that. But geez it pisses me off that I live in a world where there is a child sex trade, and human trafficking.
So much for civilization.

Being Alone

It's funny in a way I suppose, how much I enjoy being left alone. I find myself often unwilling to go out and socialise on the weekend because that is my time to be at home. That is my time for me and it often feels as though socialising takes that away from me.
I suppose that is a very selfish attitude.
The flip side of that is look at two of my very favourite past times. I love to read and I love to write. neither of these things require interaction with other people.
I love the solitude.
We went to a party today and ended up being there with two families the had five kids and they were saying that somehow five seemed to be a cut off point for many people they know. All I could think of was when would I get anything done with five kids. I love my girls and try to spend time with them, separately and together but boy there are times I wish they would just leave me alone. There is no way I could handle any more kids.
Then tomorrow we have three invitations, one we have rescheduled and one is just for me but still it means I won't be sitting curled up on my couch reading, or with a pen in my hand.
There are times I really wish the world could just go on without me. I would like to close the door and just be alone. To that end it doesn't bother me so much that hubby gigs I don't mind the time to be the only one awake and able to do what ever I feel like, be that reading, watching crappy tv or writing.
Tonight I have done both and it has been wonderful. Tomorrow we will go to a friends place just to catch up and I will go and say goodbye to another friend of mine who is leaving the country.
Maybe, just maybe in amongst that I will find time to clean my desk, which actually really needs it at the moment, and do the washing, which is a necessity but well falls under the column of housework, which we all know I pretty well suck at.
It might be possible for me to get something read tomorrow. If I'm very, very sneaky.

Girls, Women, Healthy Attitudes

My girls are very precious to me and I am trying very hard to make sure they grow up with healthy self-esteems. This may seem like an easy task, to which I would respond sadly with the comment, that you obviously don't have girls. This world we live in is still very male-centric for all we say we have come forward in our thinking and attitudes. Let's face it we shouldn't need to have a white ribbon day where man vow not to abuse, in any way, women.
Now my girls don't have barbies and I prefer Dora as a role model, I don't wear much make up, or fuss muchly about clothes and appearance. I also prefer Keladry of Mindelan to Bella Swan (look it up). I am more about doing it than having it done for me. Ye despite me thinking that this would be a good grounding for them, I still face this problem.
Every week I find times to tell them that they are beautiful no matter what they wear, or it's important to be a good person not just pretty, or that they don't need someone else (a man) to rescue them, or variations on these themes.
My eldest has had several boys chasing her which at her age means flowers - real, letters scratched into a cement verge, and a written letter of proposal - (NB she is 8). She has said to us that she doesn't want to go out with any of these boys because she doesn't love them. YAY! her. I told her that was fine.
Recently both of them were playing princess's trapped in towers and asked me to find a prince to rescue them. I asked why they couldn't rescue themselves. My youngest decided that if this was an option she would be happy to do that. A choice that made me very happy.
Now I'm not a huge feminist or anything like that but I'm seeing a disturbing trend in young relationships where girls figure they have to be dependant on guys. Then there is all the other stuff to do with how women are portrayed and marketed to, what they get from friends, school and music. Yes even seemingly harmless things like the disney princess can send messages you may not realise they are sending, about needing an relationship for happily ever after and so on. I'm even thinking about getting copies of the original fairy tales so my girls can get the stories as they were not as they've been doctored to be. You know were Ariel dies because the prince is so damn fickle, she sacrifices everything for nothing. Now I like the disney movies and I  even like a couple of the princesses Belle is my favourite, she refuses Gaston and sacrifices for her father.
My task with my girls is on going. The way is to find ways to get my girls thinking outside the apparent ingrained ways of society and that is something I need to remember and not become complacent about.

What To Say?

These last couple of weeks have been a little frantic. That is to say I have been really, really busy. Mostly it's because I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, for those who don't know that means writing 50 000 words of a story in 30 days.
In amongst all this I have work, family, a father in law in hospital with only 30% of his heart working, my mother in law living with us for the interim, plus all the other things I usually do.
Added to all this, probably not surprisingly I am feeling a little stressed.
When this happens there are certain things I really feel the want to rant and rail against things. Right now yes I'm frustrated with how things are but more than anything I want to rant about these polls on facebook about gay marriage. I am getting inundated with people I know answering this poll with - no gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. And you know what? I want to scream at them saying why not! Seriously have any of them really looked around at the relationships on display in our society. So many unmarried people with loads of kids. So many divorces. So much anger, disappointment. Should not everyone be allowed to choose who they spend their lives with. I know some gay and lesbian couples who have been together longer than some hetero relationships.
Marriage used to mean something. But then religious people only look at the parts of the bible they want to look at when it comes to these things. And I will admit right now there are probably a heap of references in the bible I've missed but here's just a couple of things to think on.
*Divorce rate among christians is basically the same as non christians
*Solomon had hundreds of wives
*Yes Sodom and Gomorrah were bad but they were bad for a whole bunch of reasons not just one
Surely we are able to realise that sometimes things change in societies and these changes aren't always bad. I wouldn't want to be part of a society were women had as few rights as they did in bible times. I know too many stories of 'good' hetero couples treating their kids and partners badly. Also seriously as much as I'd hate to even use this next word in any blog post I'm going to - Kardashian. I don't know which one but heck her wedding came in at around $10million and the marriage lasted 72 days - this is what we are trying to protect? Really open your eyes have a look around, I don't think same sex couples are going to ruin the institution of marriage, I just don't think it's in that good a place.
I'm very fortunate to have found the right man for me, but I have friends who have been treated nothing but badly by men and truly believe they have found the right woman for them. And I nearly screwed that friendship because I said I still loved her but didn't necessarily like her choice. You know what...it's not my damn choice. She deserves happiness as much as I do and her partner makes her happy. No they won't procreate together but heck a lot of couples are choosing not to and a lot of unmarrieds are having many, even to different partners.
I really think this, as an issue, is probably a pretty unimportant one in the scheme of things.

Hmmm...

Life has been busy.
I'd prefer it wasn't work busy, then again it's not exactly busy at work, it's just work - a way to waste 6 hours a day.
Last week though I mixed things up a little - I didn't have lunch rather I fasted that meal. Now fasting one meal a day may not mean much but here's what that added up to - 3 extra hours of prayer time and in a life where prayer time is well, just when ever, then I figure it's not a bad thing.
To be honest I only fasted because God dropped into my mind to do so and I didn't know what to expect from it. I have to say though it was a good experience, I was a little calmer and even though I was and am still frustrated about lack of certain things moving forward I do at the moment feel more hopeful for the future. And that can't be a bad thing.

Challenge Yourself

Over the last little while I have been involved with projects that challenge me in one way or another. Really in regards to one issue - body image.
I don't have the best body image. I'm short, I used to have pert boobs, no stretch marks and less weight across my butt, hips and stomach.
So what, you may say, you've had two kids.
Yes I have and so in some ways my body will never be the same. I can't afford a personal trainer or plastic surgery but I am exercising three or so times a week, which is something I started doing last year.
Any way back to challenging myself.
Two projects came my way around the same time.
The first was a one act play, set in a lypo-suction clinic and told the stories of 4 very different women who ended up there. This was confronting for me because at the end we strip down to our underwear in front of the whole audience. The other challenge for me was the character the director wanted me to play was the one who self harmed - if you've read some of my other posts you will know this is some thing I used to do. I decided that I found this scary - I have stretch marks for crying out loud. So I decided - mostly because a dear friend was directing, that I would face my fear and do this.
Then hot on the back of this casting I get a message from another friend/director asking me if I would be interested in doing a 'Calendar Girls' style calendar shoot to raise some money for a theatre. I choked - for those not familiar with the story or film, that means sans clothing. Naked. If the other one was scary then this terrified me. Now see there is one problem with being a personality type like mine. I see a fear in myself, and think about all the self image problems friends and young girls have and I say no, I will not let this fear rule me. I tell my girls appearance isn't everything and now here was my chance to stand up in my own way and say this is my body and so what if it's not modernly tiny and perfect but it's my body I mostly like it and I am beautiful. So I said yes and it scared the absolute crap out of me.
Now the photo shoot is done and we will soon see the finished product. Along the way it also became not about any money for the theatre, who backed out, but about raising money for ovarian cancer, we figured many knew about breast cancer and it's fundraising so we would do something less well advertised. It has gotten bigger than we were originally thinking. And while I see everyone else's pictures and think wow, and see mine and go mmm, I trust the photographer and the fact that we are all probably in some ways our toughest critics (or that may be just some of us).
And now I find myself being a genuine Miss July.
Some times you need to acknowledge your fears, face up to them, no matter how terrified you are of them and take that step forward.
Oh and yes I realise it's yet another thing that very well may count against me as far as my being a good christian girl goes, but this is important on so many levels.

Dear God

Dear God,
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen

My Big Busy Life

Big, bad, busy life.

Well not really bad. It's just very busy for me at the moment and sure it would have been much nicer if the agent my manuscript was with hadn't sent me a no but such is it. Anyway I'm doing pretty good. I don't think I wanted to work with that particular agent. Couldn't really tell you why just a feeling I've got.

Besides I've got so much going on at the mo what with work, the play, the calendar and the short film. Also there is something very possibly exciting that I can't talk about. Rest assured as soon as I can, if it ever gets to that point, then I will. Part of me is terrified of this thing I'm working on and part of me thrilled, excited and obsessed - just a little. Like I really have time to be obsessed.

Work is hard at the moment though. I'm struggling with the conservatism. The music is sleep inducing, the pace at which they tend to work is slow and I still think some of the things they do just don't make sense. My old job may have bugged me on occasion but the people I worked with made it worth it. I don't feel quite that way about this job. I don't know how long I will last at this, there are some good things - the free books for instance, but so often the ones I want don't get Advance Reading Copies handed out. Still sometimes it's the little things that make it worth it.

Performance in Church

This is one of the things I've really struggled with over the years. I love acting, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it but I hate church drama with a passion.

It took me a very long time to be willing to get up on a church stage again and once I do they then start doing the very things I disliked about it in the first place.

We hadn't been committed to going to our new church for very long when they announced the formation of a drama team.

To be honest I rolled my eyes and groaned. Mostly because I wondered how or why God would be doing this now when he knew how much I hated it. Then I had that internal debate about whether I should let them know I have experience in performing.

I decided not to get involved.

I know I was judging based on my previous experience but that's what I had to go on. Yes it is possible for the person to be given this position to have more experience and more talent than me. For them to have great ideas and wonderful execution. But I couldn't see that happening.

I didn't give it much thought after that.

Until last week.

The team got up to perform their first (of the first one I'd been there for) sketch. It started for me badly but I thought I'd try and stay. I didn't last and the whole thing wasn't much more than five minutes long.

I walked out feeling guilty about being disrespectful. After all they at least had gotten up there and I hadn't, so what right did I have to judge.

It made me wonder again though, why it is okay for people with heart but no skill to be involved in a drama team but they wouldn't be allowed as part of a music team.

Then again it could be a self perpetuating problem. The sketches are short, unchallenging and sometimes badly written and badly executed, so people with skill won't want to get involved, therefore the only way the team can get new blood is to invite people with heart.

Me I would be embarrassed to be seen to be doing those sketches. That's right I said it embarrassed and I would never invite my friends to come and see one. I laugh when people say it would be good for my acting friends to come and see these things.

I know I probably shouldn't admit to being embarrassed but it's the truth. To be reading your script or to explain the piece before performing are just things that shouldn't happen.

I felt guilty for walking out but my hubby wisely asked how I would have felt being involved in something like that. I replied by telling him I would have hated it. And that is the truth.

It's not so much about being embarrassed by God but by the poor use of something I love.

Yes I think drama could be a very powerful tool but I also don't see that happening because people aren't interested in trying different things. I have tried and the responses have been ranged from 'that sounds interesting' to 'interesting but not now' and being just ignored.

The thing is though, then I have to deal with the 'why aren't you using your skills for God in church?' questions or the idea that because I am a mother my best skill is helping out in kids church.

It makes me sad in a way but the performing I am doing at the moment is challenging and powerful and I am happy to be putting my time in there rather than for a church.

London

What do you say in a week that London burned? These youngsters claimed they were doing it to survive, and destroying places that wouldn't give them jobs. Firstly I wonder why they weren't hired? Then again I can't say I've stretched my mind to come up with ideas other than the obvious. It seems to me that destroying stuff, ripping tv's off the wall and stealing games consoles in no way constitute doing something to survive.

I realise in some ways I'm not in much of a position to comment, I have a games console and tv. Then again I work hard to make sure there is food on our table and clothes on our children's backs. I would never think it was my right to steal one just because I don't have one.

It makes me wonder. How could it not?

I work hard, I come home, do what I can to make sure I don't suck totally as a mother and then I pursue my passions - writing and performance.

How many of these people actually worked hard to achieve anything? It seems so many of them have these chips on their shoulders about how others owe them. Well while I'm in this annoyed frame of mind I will ask - Why? Why should I have to pay for your laziness? Why should I have to suffer and fear because you are selfish and yet again lazy?

People in other countries have to fight just to get water and avoid bullets, they wouldn't know what a playstation or x-box is. It makes me so sad that people have come to this. Yes life can be hard and in some cases unbelievably so but that doesn't give you the right to hurt and steal from others.

I wish we could teach some people to value life because they so obviously don't.

Be at peace this week my lovelies.

One Act

Okay so here's the deal, I used to self-harm. Cut myself, scratch myself and hit things. This isn't something I have done in a long time so why bring it up you may wonder. Well I have just started the rehearsal process for a one act play dealing with body image. That is to say that is what it is about on the surface but underneath it looks at a great deal of issues women go through, including self harm. Of course there are many forms of self harm but strangely the character I am playing is the one closest to my past. I didn't really think about it when I did the audition but now I am. I know I'm not held by those dark thoughts that had me in that dark place any more but with performing something so dark sometimes it can get under your skin. My biggest challenge over the next several weeks is going to be to make sure I remain separated from the dark. Truthfully I'm not all that concerned about falling back down that way, I have too many good friends and a wonderful family that won't let that happen. So I suppose then my biggest challenge is not to remain apart but instead bring life to a character that has the power to touch lives, in such a way that she is totally believable. I only hope I am up to this challenge.

There is always hope, in the darkest moments there is always hope.

If Just One Person's Life...

I've been doing a bit of thinking recently, actually I usually do quite a bit of thinking. Anyway, I was speaking to someone recently who said that she was glad we accepted her at a time she had a few problems, even though as christians we probably shouldn't have. My response was to shrug and say I wasn't much of one for following rules. It didn't make sense to her that someone from my background would be willing to accept someone from her background.

So this is what got me thinking. I never really was concerned about whether I should or shouldn't be friends with this person. I knew I didn't agree with a lot of what she did but so, I was prepared to open up a little and so was she (the crossover for us was our children's friendship). It occurred to me while I was running today, and praying, that if my life can open up new possibilities to just one person then maybe things I've gone through aren't just a pain in my butt and a frustrating waste of time. Now this person isn't about to start going to church, and even I have trouble doing that, but she doesn't only think negative things about my kind of faith. Surely this is preaching by living.

Believe me when I say I don't use that phrase lightly, I do understand the weight behind it, I just wonder if the weight we've given it is the wrong sort. My thoughts on that concept have usually veered towards the idea that people will be attracted to the goodness and shining example of God that 'should' be in any good christian's life. Maybe the focus should instead be on living in a way that you can meet people where they are. Maybe allowing them to see the struggles and problems is just as important. Life for most people isn't smooth. For a lot it is a struggle in many different ways and sometimes I think as Christians we hide behind the idea that 'God will fix it' so we shouldn't tell others about it and shouldn't complain. This though is a facade we hide behind and it's very possible it is doing more damage than good.

I know this is kind of an unformed idea but for a very long time I have been hung up on this idea that to be a Christian I need to be the kind of people others (church goers) expect me to be and I have a lot of trouble being that person. However the type of person I am has opened up my friends heart and that can't be a bad thing.

End of an Era - Trying of Patience

These last few weeks have been fairly terrible at work. I probably shouldn't have agreed to stick it out to the end. I'm not the sort of person who tolerates stupidity easily and for the record things like "can you tell me how much this is?" followed by them wanting me to work our what 20% off $20 is, is something I consider stupid. And there has been a lot of stupid over the last how ever many weeks the store was closing. (FYI we shut the doors on friday just gone). I also consider "is everything on sale?" a stupid question when there are signs everywhere saying 'everything is on sale'.

Also I happen to think it's rude to expect me to tell you what I will be doing when the store closes, especially when I've never seen you before. I have little patience for small talk with strangers at the best of times. I wonder how it became polite to ask complete strangers 'How are you doing today?' when you really couldn't give a toss. All you really want is to hear the words 'good and you?'. Then they get annoyed when I don't answer them.

Just when I think I may be doing better with my patience issues, something like this comes along and reminds me that I really can be a very prickly, short tempered person. Oh well I suppose it is always good to remind ourselves that we aren't perfect. Bring on working at an actual bookstore.

I Am

This has been a terrible week for me but I am not going to focus on that here.

Instead I am going to look at two very small words said by my oldest today.

I AM.

She looked at us and said, 'that's what artists do and I AM an artist.'

I teared up. She is so sure of part of what she wants to do. I didn't have the confidence to say anything like that till much older than her. In fact I sometimes struggle with the idea of saying I am a writer.

She doesn't see how tough it is to be creative and prosper in that, she just wants to do it. She spends a lot of time drawing, making, colouring and painting.

When I'm down at my worst I fleetingly wonder if we are doing her a disservice in encouraging her to pursue things like this. I wonder because it has been so hard for us to even get where we are. I can't not encourage her though. It means so much to me that she is free to become the person she wants to be, no matter what course that takes.

There is power in words, I spend so much time around them I shouldn't forget that.

So I am going to take a moment to just say this...

I AM A WRITER.

Sometimes the lessons we need to learn are the ones the young can teach us.

The End is Closing In

We finally got our final store closing notification this week.

It has been a mix of good and bad days recently. Some people are really nice about it, understanding even, others however are rude and obnoxious. When I couldn't tell a person if we had a particular book she retorted that 'it was no wonder we were closing'. I tried explaining that our systems were no longer accurate but well people just don't understand. They don't care to understand.

The other thing is I am finding it somewhat difficult to get motivated to apply for other jobs. I have managed to do so though. A couple of interesting possibilities so I guess we'll see what happens.

There has also been a lot of prayer but to be honest it has felt one directional. I don't feel abandoned by God and I feel stressed that I don't feel stressed. I know that sounds silly but it's how I feel. It's as if I should be more worried about the future yet I can't be. It takes me back to that verse 'who can add a day to their lives by worrying', or words to that effect.

I feel it will all work out I just don't know how and I'd really like it not to go down to the wire. Especially with lease renewal coming up and rent increasing.

Sometimes it's nice to day dream about what I would really like to happen and that includes having a house of our own and the money to study the courses we would like to.

I'm happy to keep working, though who wouldn't like to have the money to just write and make films and music (fill in your own great fantasy here).

Stayed tuned to this station.

Ends and Beginnings

This has been a tough week.

It's no secret that I struggle with church, but we have started going fairly regularly, the girls finally have found a place they feel comfortable and I enjoy a place that teaches things I haven't heard seventeen times before. So I find it a little annoying or frustrating that an opportunity for hubby has gone south (though there was peace that came with that decision along with the frustration that we don't know when or if another door with that potential will open again). On top of that, my work finally announced this week that it is over, it's doors will be closing. Not unexpected but sad none the less.

With sadness comes uncertainty. They haven't told us when we will be closing, they've announced in a press release the definite final day but if we sell through our stock before then, then we close earlier. We have been told very little. I'm hoping on a proper redundancy but that doesn't seem very likely.

In all this uncertainty I've been trying to be positive and view it as an opportunity. To hold on to God, even push in closer. It would be nice to have more time at home to write, but I'm really going to miss my books. I found a job I was really good at and now it's no longer there. I have to trust. I've been repeating like some sort of mantra, 'I trust you with my family God'. At the moment it's all I really have the strength to do.

I know this is an opportunity but that doesn't mean I can't be sad for what I'm losing.

Hoping things will be more positive next week.

Parenting the Minefield

Three weeks since I last blogged here and on my writing blog, of course I have been really busy with the review site TheKylieVerse.

Miss 3 has recovered well from her surgery and is very glad to be back at school, now other issues have surfaced. She is getting quite physical and has been told on more than several occasions to not hit her sister. We've gone down the 'not bullying' path and the 'it's not nice' path and yet sometimes she just goes back to that default setting. It's at times like that when I really wonder just how bad a parent I am.

Then I remember that parenting is a bit like walking through a minefield. You can never quite always know where the problems are going to explode. It would of course be so much easier if we did. She is strong and stubborn and won't be cowed by anyone which will be great traits for her to grow in to, if we can encourage her the right way.

This of course is also one of the joys of parenting - watching them grow and finding the little things they excel at and then hopefully finding ways to encourage those traits. Having said that Miss 8 has just decided she is going to be a tattoo artist. We went out and added different colours to her tattoo pen collection - I wonder if that makes us good or bad parents?

Thankfulness and Hard Times

This week has been intense for me for various reasons. In fact the last few weeks have been tough. Rejection (a constant in two areas I'm passionately pursuing) has been there, as well as struggling with the play I was rehearsing (we opened last night), and the looming surgery for my baby, as well as a bunch of junk going on with work.

The biggest thing without question has been the surgery. My daughter has been waiting for it for 18 months - they messed up at the hospital which set us back twelve months. Sure the surgery is pretty standard but there is always a risk with any surgery. It was hard walking out of the surgery once she had been put under but that was nothing compared to seeing her post-op with blood around her mouth and ear. She looked so tiny, so fragile. I was hopeful but still in the back of my mind I was worried, I guess most if not all parents would be. Any way she seemed to cope well and she definitely had more sleep that night than I did, I have no idea how anyone sleeps in a hospital.

Fortunately the next morning the Dr took one look at her overnight obs and said she could go straight home when she was ready. Awesome news and a great start to her recovery. She is doing so well that apart from a bit extra tiredness you would never know she had had an operation a few days ago.

So with her recovery looking alright and me sitting in a semi-dark hospital room watching tv on my computer something came and reminded me how fortunate I was and how thankful I was to God for how Miss 3 came through her op. A little girl was bought into the ward. She was tiny and her mother almost hysterical. Probably past it only due to exhaustion. She didn't even look 2 and had had to have her appendix out in an emergency op. The mother had previously been told not to worry because her daughter would be fine, it couldn't possibly be her appendix because she was too young. Of course that was a misdiagnosis and I'm sure if I had been in her shoes I probably would have been at least that stressed if not more so. In that moment I just had to pray in thankfulness that we had finally had our surgery, that it didn't get to the point of emergency and that even in those moments when delay and even the initial diagnosis had me wondering if God was even looking out for my girls, he obviously was. It also reminded me that there are people who always have it harder and they need our prayers even more than we need to pray for ourselves.

See God sees a picture I don't and sometimes it is very hard to remember that. When everything seems to be coming apart at the seams I try to hold on and pray and believe. Even then it feels pointless sometimes, that I'm barely holding on by my fingertips. Now though seeing things from the other side of the op, I feel more relaxed and thankful and somehow in amongst everything else I found my character and when I got on stage last night I nailed it. This reminds me that sometimes prayer feels a little ineffective, a bit like going through the motions but even in those times God knows our hearts and He hears, He just answers in His own way and on a very few occasions we are lucky enough to see the why later.

Gets My Goat

Okay yes it's a silly saying, especially seeing as I don't have one or want one but it's much more polite than the words I'd prefer to use.

You see this week a person I know admitted to suffering from a mental illness, at the same time they said their partner had been cheating on them for months. And that is all the details you will get for this isn't a gossip column, but the details are pertinent.

In the aftermath of these disclosures things have been said, yes there were plenty of encouraging and supportive things but the thing I am going to focus on is this, 'oh well I'm sure God will bring restoration to your marriage'.

WHAT! Hello?

Seriously of all the things that could be said. If I was in that situation and someone said that to me I may plant my fist in their face, and yes I know that response isn't very christian, but I'm not at all convinced what they said to this person was all that christian either.

Someone going through something like that doesn't want to hear that. Or at least I can't imagine they do.

This made me remember the time I called my dying mother up on the phone, she sounded very unhappy. I asked her what was wrong and it came out that people from her church had been saying to her that she needed to 'look deep within for she must have sin she refused to admit to or God would have healed her', or words to that effect. I was irate. Now I may not be a picture perfect christian but my mum was a lot closer to that than I was. I wanted to go down there and smack them out.

So this brings me to my thing for today, what makes christians feel the need to spout such utter rubbish sometimes? Do they simply not think before they open their mouths? Or are they so drowning in the rhetoric that they can't come up with something genuine to say?

And let me make it clear that these people are certainly in the minority but that it happens at all really bugs me. (And yes I know that sometimes God does bring about restoration though I'm sure if you ask those people it's not without some hard work and miraculous forgiveness first) Sometimes it seems to me that those that don't go around professing their goodness and relationship with God get it more right, you wouldn't hear one of my non-church going friends suggesting you hope for restoration of marriage, nor blaming some hidden sin for sickness. In fact they would probably help kick the cheating so and so out and be the first to ask 'hey sucks you're so sick is there anything we can do?'

Decisions, Decisions

Last week we went to church. We haven't been very regular about going for a while now, but we think me may have found somewhere we can be okay with. And yes okay is a deliberate word choice. I'm not looking for somewhere I will be happy or content or feel at home. Sad but true. There is too much water under that bridge. I am okay with the fact that the messages we've heard has quite a lot of biblical content and they aren't the same messages I have heard a hundred times. I'm okay with the fact it is close to home. And I'm hoping people won't expect us to fit in with their programmes only to be put out when we don't.

It all boils down to the fact I can still believe in God (even though I struggle with the form my faith takes a lot) but my girls are young and don't have the grounding I do, I want them to be informed, I want them to know the love of God and the friendships that are possible when you share a faith. I don't want them to not have that because I really struggle with the way the church has seemed to developed.

Yes I know I'm cynical. I know I can be abrasive - I've been told often enough. I know I don't play well with others. I like my space and I don't like being boxed into certain categories. Part of me wishes it wasn't that way. Part of me longs for the times when I felt really close to God. I have the feeling though that that trip will be a fair way back. So meanwhile I have decided to take baby steps. To once again say to God I love you please show me the way and what you want me to do. I can't promise that I will be able to go that way. At least not at first and I must confess to hoping the foundational things that I believe God placed in my life will stay solid and the focus for the future.

I can tell you one thing though I think I'm done with acting for a while. Not for faith reasons. Just because. One rejection too many for the moment and to be perfectly honest I'm really wishing I had more time to devote to my writing. My on-line life is booming as I try to manage three blogs, reading books to review, my social networking obsession and I really need more time to write my stuff.

The other thing I need to do is try and spend more time with my kids. With so much going on and having to go to work the girls are starting to ask if I will spend time with them. It's not that I don't love them, just that I have so many things I'm doing. Today I told them we would have a girls date night - a movie after dinner and I would make popcorn. I told them that early in the day so I would stick to it. If I just think these things I have a tendency to get sidetracked into other things. My girls are so patient with me. I am so blessed to have kids that play fairly well together and understand my drive to write. I love them and I need to make sure I show them so not just tell them so. I think sometimes I fall into the trap that if I say 'I love you' than that's enough. Quite obviously when they are asking me to play fairies with them, or whatever their game of the moment happens to be, then I'm missing the mark with making them feel loved. Actions sometimes really do speak louder than words.

I guess next week will be interesting, not that I'm sure my life can handle much more interesting.

Monster High

Well todays little rant comes to you courtesy of a toy manufacturer. While sitting eating my dinner, watching a kids show and otherwise minding my own business an ad for some new dolls came on. So what you may think, they come up with new toys all the time. I won't disagree. I already have Bratz dolls on my 'not to have' list and this new range has been added that list. These dolls are called the Monster High dolls.

Let me explain, they are supposed to be the teenage kids of famous monsters like Dracula and so on. It's not the gruesome nature of these dolls I particularly object too, though I'm sure there are those out there who think I should. It is in fact the knowledge that there is a book called Monster High and guess what the characters are the teenage kids of monsters. Focus being on teenage kids, which makes this book a young adult novel not a kiddy one.

While I think there could be a lot of fun to be had with monster dolls I'm concerned the focus is wrong. It is the same as it is with many of these doll lines, accessories and clothes. Do we really need green dolls that look stitched together like Frankenstein dressing in thigh high boots and mini skirts?

I'm all for saying appearance doesn't matter but somehow I think the focus is going to be on 'look as long as I'm skinny and wear the right skimpy clothes I will be liked' message, rather than the 'I have scars and am different but that doesn't matter because I'm still look hot and so am liked', message.

Yes there have been Barbie dolls (and her many, many fashions) for years, (though I have to say I never had one), but at least she actually took on different occupations and wasn't only a fashion model.

It all comes around again to why I like Dora, the original incarnation. A girl who is the same age as the girls who play with her, who dresses age appropriately and has adventures. Better yet she is also smart and bilingual.

I know somewhere along the way I have turned into a grumpy mother but seriously I want my girls to grow up believing in their abilities rather than the idea that appearance is the most important thing. I want my girls to grow and to live, and I find it sad that society seems to encourage our young girls to be obsessed with how they look and being a teenager. I can't keep my kids young forever and I wouldn't want them to be but neither do I want them to grow up quicker than they have to.

Kiddy Pageants

Kiddie beauty pageants are this weeks pet peeve.

Plenty of people are not too happy that this piece of Americana is making it's way to Australia, and yes I am one of them.

I have two young girls and while I'm happy for them to play dress-up and wear make-up for fun I face a fairly consistent battle to convince them they don't need dresses or make up or high heels to be beautiful. This idea of beauty is not one they get from me, I don't wear a lot of make-up or spend much on clothes, I always tell them they are beautiful no matter what. So where does it come from?

I don't think any one thing is to blame but I have to admit to trying to keep them away from toys like Bratz dolls and music video clips. The sad reality is that while I would love to protect my girls from all this junk it just isn't possible. They hear about it from their friends, other parents don't have my concerns or sometimes even think that these things make no difference to their daughters growth.

However we are seeing so many young people struggle with their self-esteem and own identity. Polls telling us this is a problem are really nothing new, stories about 8 year olds getting waxed and botoxed on the other hand... It sounds like it should be a joke, but sadly I don't think it is.

Honestly I would like to know what message the parents think they are passing to their daughters, and not only them but the boys their age as well. Our children should be allowed to be children; leave the heels and make-up and fake tans and false teeth to others.

I cannot see how these kind of pageants are good for our girls. How anyone could look at them and not think they are a harmful addition to a highly visually stimulated and sexualised society, I just don't know.

Beauty isn't in caked on make-up, painted on tans, false teeth and lashes. Beauty comes from confidence and confidence comes from knowing you are loved always. How about we put the time and money into ensuring our girls use and develop skills and talents to take them to the top of what ever it is they dream of achieving. Where they are valued for who they are not how fake they can be.

Holiday Week

Sure I tell myself it's a holiday but I can't really say I've had any time off. Especially not with children at home and so much going on otherwise. My new website is keeping me busy and I've started a twitter account, I'm finding it quite addictive. It's also proving to be quite informative. I think I'm finally getting a handle on how to manage social media. My kids book site has had over 200 hits in two weeks and I'm really happy with that. I've added other sections, like news and classics I just need to get around to writing some recommends lists.

Like I said keeping me busy.

We were planning on spending a couple of nights on an island but ditched that idea when it turned out it was going to cost us more to go across for two days than it would to go down south. We have settled probably for a day trip on a day we can get a discount.

Then there is other stuff going on with hubby an his band. Too much stuff really.

And if all this wasn't enough I have submitted one entry for a writing comp and am about to submit another. Then I had to say no to a friend. The thing she wanted was huge and I really just need some time to myself. It's hard, I feel bad for saying no but I really had to.

I've been busy but this week has felt so good. So busy with my head in books or a pen in my hand. I have one more week off and to be honest I really wish this could be my life. Writing, reading, blogging, trying to inspire people and kids to read.

Chaos and Madness

This week has been a really busy one for me, I started my own kids book website TheKylieVerse.com

This has kept me incredibly busy as I wanted to update it quite a lot in its first few weeks so it doesn't look too sparse.

Work has been interesting, finally we started to get new stock in which is a good thing, though I heard today through a source in council that the store will stay but it will get smaller. I don't really know what's going on but as I saw official looking guys discussing things about the site yesterday (they appeared to be in store secretly) it does ring possible.

I'm feeling a little shaky on a couple of footings at the moment. One the website, I want it to achieve a couple of things and not just be a colossal waste of time. Two hubby's band, it looks like it could go places but one of the guys is looking like he could stuff it up. It bothers me because my hubby has put a lot into it, and he's not the only one. I hope it sorts itself out. I pray and hope it sorts itself out. I try not to think too much on it but you know how it is when you try not to think of something.

Anyway my faith is still a bit wobbly. I am trying; to talk to God and to believe. I want to believe that my dreams can come true. I want to believe that what is in my heart is there for a reason. And with all that is going on in the world at the moment I have to remind myself that really my concerns aren't all that big a deal.

God please be with those in Japan, those in Christchurch and me. Help me to hold on to what I know is true and that is that you love me, you created me and you have a purpose for me, even though I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean.

On a side note I am on two weeks holiday so I may not be here for the next two saturdays I will have to see how it goes. But I will be back.

Fallout From The Perth Writer's Festival

So last week I was really hoping for...well I'm not sure but I sure as heck didn't expect to be the most depressed I have been in along time. Here is what I wrote last Saturday.

My mind is mush. I am feeling so totally out of my depth. I thought I'd feel comfortable here with people who share my passions but instead I can't remember the last time I felt so uncertain. Right now all I want to do is lock myself in a room and go back into myself.

I wonder if it's because on some level I don't like to give of myself, to risk. I don't want to be laughed at or pitied. I am kind of waiting for someone to pat me on the head and say 'it really is time for you to give up on your dreams, can't you see that it is time for you to grow up and join the real world'.

And I feel sad because I haven't doubted myself like this in a long time.

TIME PASSES

I'm beginning to think this weekend is designed to make me feel like an outcast. I get to my seat for 'The Feast Of Words' and I'm at the far end, with no menu, no butter knife, no place setting gift and an empty space across from me. Is there any better way to make me feel as solitary as possible through the evening. Only one person next to me and on diagonally opposite. Probably not going to speak to anyone all evening, at least I can reach the wine bottle without moving.

Then when I said I'd taken the menu from the setting of the woman who sat next to me, she got really pissy.

That is all from saturday. I will add though that the woman diagonally across was a real joy to share a meal with. It didn't turn out to be too bad an evening, though I still felt depressed. And unfortunately still do a bit.

Another Rough Week

This week has been as rough as last week but for a totally different reason. Miss 3 has been sick. A high temperature, vomiting kind of sick. For 3 nights I had broken sleep due to the need to change sheets. With everything else that has been going on I have felt very picked on - that it's all very unfair.

I prayed and prayed and prayed that she would be fine and then her temperature would soar again and I would be cleaning up more vomit.

In that respect my faith took a bit of a hammering. My girl hadn't done anything to deserve being this sick and surely will all the messing around we've had to go through for what is considered a fairly routine operation she could surely be cut a break. It's totally not fair and I was feeling that I couldn't catch a break either. To be honest I feel in some way abandoned. Many have been healed, Christ even raised some from the dead. Why then could my baby not be healed of her fever?

I've tried and I've prayed and my faith feels a little shakier this week.

I want to believe. I want to hold on. But sometimes it's hard when you see others around you seem to have every little thing go right for them. They ask for healing and get it. They ask for __________ (fill in the gap) and they get it. Then they get to enjoy big holidays and job promotions, or even have people throw money at them so they can pursue their dreams.

Me I struggle. I want to believe. I have believed so much that God wanted us to do a certain thing that I have put my money on the line. yet we were never blessed like that.

In these moments it serves me well to remember those who are missing their children through no fault of their own; or those who have lost everything in fires, floods or quakes. No I'm not where I want to be and yes to be honest I'm pissed off that we still haven't achieved what we believe we are meant to do. But I do have a loving family, with a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on our table. So that puts me in a pretty okay place.

Borders...

Well it has been an interesting week and not for good reasons. On Thursday, Redgroup (who own Borders) went into voluntary administration. they told us not to panic and that it would be business as usual. That I could cope with, I knew it was coming. Someone I work with said it was a relief to finally have it happen. I'm not sure I felt relief. I was definitely sadder than I thought I would be, but working on the theory that they cold take a few months to sort their stuff out I wasn't too stressed.

That is until I got to work on Friday morning and was informed we wouldn't be honouring gift cards, or at least not without the customer spending twice the cards value. honestly I couldn't even say if it was legal though I guess it must be.

So anyway, yesterday was hell. In the end it was the nice customers who got to me. And I totally broke when someone asked me if I was a full-time employee and wished me the best. I was so pissed off with myself. It is just a job and here I was crying over it. Unfortunately it was a job I fell into - kid's books - and I really love it - when I'm not dealing with crap management decisions.

those kind of crap decisions continued in abundance yesterday, firstly with the gift cards, then with the store manager not being there for the first 3.5 hours the store was open, then with the regional manager getting pissy with me for answering the phone with 'good morning Borders P**** yes we are open'. Apparently it was negative, not helpful and we should be acting as if everything was business as usual. He didn't know who I was because I don't use my name but did mention it to the line manager who took the call. My response was 'he can kiss my ass'. It clearly wasn't business as usual and I cut a bunch of people off at the pass by answering the phone the way I did. I couldn't begin to tell you how many calls I answered asking if we were open.

Then there was the customer abuse - I found out today that after I left they ended up calling in security guards, and someone in one of the store was spat on. I can understand the anger but why take it out on us, we didn't make the decision, couldn't do anything about it and don't know how long we will have jobs.

I wanted nothing more than to go home and sit somewhere quite with a big glass of wine and try and forget. Not really an option when you have two little children. They don't want to understand and I don't want to stress them out. So I tried to act as close to normal as I could. I went for my run a little earlier so I could play in the spa with them.

Now it was my run that was a bit interesting because that is when I try to talk to God. I deliberately don't take music with me for that reason. I walked on to my driveway and asked if He had anything for me and the reply I got was 'come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest'. I laughed and told Him he was very funny. I don't know what's going to happen with my job and He says to rest.

Needless to say I don't rest well. I've tried that and it's never gotten me anywhere. Then again 'blessing the work of your hands' hasn't seemed to work any better. Sure I like my job and it pays our bills but I come home and write and seem to have gotten nowhere. I put in a lot of extra hours reading and researching for work and while it's appreciated it doesn't help financially.

Later in my run I admitted I was scared. The response I got was 'I've been scared to'. That almost made me stop. I struggled to get my head around it. I thought I was hearing what I wanted to hear. I can't ever remember hearing someone preach that before. If that was the case I though something in the Bible should back it up. To which the response was 'I came to be a man and experience everything a man does'.

Whoa, what a thought. If I'd been the one going to the cross I'd have been pretty scared even if I was sure it would work out alright. Who in their right mind wouldn't be scared to suffer like that? It is important to note here that people confront their fears all the time so I will try not to worry about the things I have no control over and walk a balanced path between resting and not sitting on my butt being lazy.

Story From The News

Switzerland are having a gun control referendum. They aren't doing this because of many gun crimes and it does fly in the face of their national history. Here's what I got from the story I read and I will freely say this blog comes only from that not some extended research, one of the reasons they want such massive changes is because they have a high suicide by firearms rate. So I found myself asking, really?

Do they really think removing guns from the equation is going to solve the real problem? Yes I suppose the easy accessibility to guns means if you feel the urge to kill yourself you can probably easily find one and pull the trigger, this however ignores so many aspects of suicide. Guns are not the problem, nor are they the only way to kill yourself. Suicide is indicative of deeper things in society than gun legislation. Of all the things I could list here I don't think legal gun ownership would make my list.

Please we need to focus instead on the underlying issues and not the method of execution. If someone is down enough to contemplate suicide they will find a way. So let's see instead if we can offer a hand to help them up, a shoulder to lean or cry on and the words to show light and hope to those who feel trapped in the darkness.

Seeing The Why

Life has been busy the last few weeks. In some ways you wouldn't have thought so, what with so little going on at work. However I'm sure they would frown upon me sitting in a corner somewhere writing. So instead I've done things like alpha the colouring books. Sure there are plenty of books I could order if they let me, I'm not even half way through putting my wish list together and it's four pages long. Work isn't where I've been busy, it is just something that takes up a bunch of hours every week.

Truthfully I realised some stuff during this time. Most notably that God sometimes allows us to see the why of something.

So to give some vague info to put that statement into context...

There is a friend of mu hubby's who I don't get along with very well. A while ago he said some really harsh things about me, I want my hubby to get in his face and tell him what he said was unacceptable. Sure I can fight my own battles but that's not really the point, sometimes you just want someone to take your side. He didn't. I understood his reasoning for not saying anything but the message it sent me was that he valued his friends possible hissy fit reaction more than my feelings. Unfortunately understanding his reasons didn't make the feeling go away.

It all came to a head last weekend where we had to attend an even together. He apologised to hubby for the things he'd said and done and hubby told him he should never have said those things in the first place. I wasn't directly involved in the conversation but found I didn't need to be and now after a bit of discussion the air has been cleared between hubby and me. The other guy still isn't my fave person but it bothers me much less now when the guys get together.

Then this week something really bad happened and my hubby's friend really needed him. I'd hate to think what this guy would be going through without hubby being there for him to talk to and I don't begrudge the friendship. While I was out running it became clear to me that if I'd pushed the issue the situation would be quite different. I'm not sure that would be a good thing,

So sometimes we need to choose to go with the wisdom of someone we trust even when we don't like it or it hurts us because in the long term it is what will work out for the best. The thing we need to remember is that sometimes we don't get to see how it all fits together like I was able to in this case.

A Little Bit

I will only get a brief update type of snippet in tonight as I'm feeling a bit down and lethargic. That really describes my whole week. There have been some ups but mostly not. It feels as though that's a usual state of mind when in laws visit. Sad I know, but I can't shake the feeling I will never match up to what they wish I was. And not just me. It is hard sometimes to hold on to your dream when those closest to you don't support you. Fortunately friends are our saving grace they support us. So in times like this I focus on remembering that while you can't pick your family you can pick your friends and I thank those who are there to help me up when all I feel like doing is sitting in a dark corner and moping.

Remember you may never know what encouraging words can mean to someone so don't be shy of uttering a few occasionally.

Resolutions?

I don't make new years resolutions. Mostly because they seem so cliched, so trite, something you can say you want to aim for but it doesn't matter if you don't make it because it was just a NY resolution.

However it is the time of year to sit down and evaluate what I want out of the coming year. Some things haven't changed from last year: I still want to get published and I still want to act. I do want to make a bit more of an effort in regards to my faith this year. Last year was a bit of a tough one. Quite a few ups and downs, can't say I'm sad to see the end of it but I also can't say it was any worse than other years I've lived through.

I want to strengthen my faith, I'm just not sure I'm really ready to step back into church, however I do think my kids need me to and I think hubby needs to if he wants to get the worship album he's working on finished.

Sometimes it's just not all about you, or me as the case might be. Sometimes the motivation I think comes once you make a decision to do something. From where I'm standing at the moment I hope this is the case because right now the thought of having to make new friends and explain myself and my sometimes unconventional lifestyle to others seems draining and I'm not even doing it yet just thinking about it.

I have been praying more but I still don't feel as connected in as I once did. I feel I have to try but at the same time there is a part of me that struggles to believe it will make any difference. However I will keep plodding along in the hope that feelings and faith will catchup with my actions.