Resolutions

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I kind of don't see the point. I like the intention but the idea of forming them the way people do, as often unattainable challenges for the year, well I don't see the point. However I do find the change of year a good time to evaluate life. Where it's going, what I'm doing and am I any closer to achieving what I want out of it.
The last few years I've really felt that THIS year is the year things are going to change for us and we will get our breakthrough. Needless to say we are still here and there hasn't been anything I would consider to be a breakthrough. Survival yes, breakthrough, not so much. So I've decided not to seek out a breakthrough this year. In fact I'm going to do my best to ignore the thought all together. Now that I've voiced it though it may not be so easy.
In the past I've decided I'm going to be more organised, somehow it never really lasts. This year I've just started being more organised. I write down certain things I need to do and make sure I do them. I know simple really isn't it. Always is when I start and I always start with the best intentions. I've managed it for two weeks so far.
The other thing is I think I need a career change. I know I want one. The way I'm thinking of going  isn't a place I've thought of going before and if it wasn't for a chance encounter then I never would have considered it. Now I've done more than consider it, I've researched it and when the applications open I'm going for it. I still want to be a writer and act but I really want something that will challenge me and do more than put the food on the table. A house would be nice too. The thing with decisions like this is they often require great change. They require the willingness to leap out into the great unknown and take a chance.
A bit like faith in a way. We all know I struggle with that. I feel that many times I've flung myself out there and only just survived by the tips of my fingers. This year though seems like it may be a year of guts, courage and the ability to shut your eyes and say 'to hell with it'. My thoughts at this point are 'I hope you are in this God but I'm not waiting for you to say yay or nay, I'm flinging myself at this door anyway. If it's nay it'll hurt when I slam into the door but at least I will have tried.'
This year may not be a year of failed resolutions or breakthrough, but I hope at least to look back on it in 12 months and know it was the year I did my best.

Dear God

Dear God,
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen

The End is Closing In

We finally got our final store closing notification this week.

It has been a mix of good and bad days recently. Some people are really nice about it, understanding even, others however are rude and obnoxious. When I couldn't tell a person if we had a particular book she retorted that 'it was no wonder we were closing'. I tried explaining that our systems were no longer accurate but well people just don't understand. They don't care to understand.

The other thing is I am finding it somewhat difficult to get motivated to apply for other jobs. I have managed to do so though. A couple of interesting possibilities so I guess we'll see what happens.

There has also been a lot of prayer but to be honest it has felt one directional. I don't feel abandoned by God and I feel stressed that I don't feel stressed. I know that sounds silly but it's how I feel. It's as if I should be more worried about the future yet I can't be. It takes me back to that verse 'who can add a day to their lives by worrying', or words to that effect.

I feel it will all work out I just don't know how and I'd really like it not to go down to the wire. Especially with lease renewal coming up and rent increasing.

Sometimes it's nice to day dream about what I would really like to happen and that includes having a house of our own and the money to study the courses we would like to.

I'm happy to keep working, though who wouldn't like to have the money to just write and make films and music (fill in your own great fantasy here).

Stayed tuned to this station.

Less Religion

I'm reading 'More Jesus, Less Religion' (Arterburn & Felton). I know it's been a long time since I've picked up a book dealing with christianity. I'm really liking it though. There is a lot that say that in my mind I find myself going, well at least someone out there sees things like I do.

For me religion has become so structured and organised. If you don't fit in to the box labeled christian it seems sometimes that the church just doesn't know what to do with you.

I was at a service last week and they were talking about their vision for the youth and kids. While they were talking I was thinking that maybe I could get involved with some sort of youth programme, after all it is one of the issues I feel strongly about. Thing is from past experience I'm not sure how well I fit into these sort of programmes. I'm more a sort of come in for a one off thing. I guess that's why I sort of hope the YA novel I'm working on will get publication, because that would open the door to speaking engagements. It's not the speaking itself that drives me but the fact I could openly talk about some things I know others avoid.

I don't know, I'm going to leave this in God's hands, it's not something I plan on pursuing actively in itself.

Speaking in front of others doesn't scare me so much. Talking about my past and the rough things I've experienced doesn't even particularly bother me. Being treated as a joke does but that's a fear a lot of us share. Truthfully I don't want to limit myself to a church environment.

There is still a long way to go with the novel though and I really must make sure I don't get ahead of myself.

Talking To God

I was talking to God today, yes I still do that, and in the course of the conversation I felt Him tell me that what I had to do was be happy. This may sound silly but bear with me. It was like He was saying ‘I made you who you are, I gave you the gifts and skills, it isn’t necessary to me that you struggle to fit into the mould the church wants you to. It isn’t your fault if they won’t or can’t stretch to embrace the opportunity.’ That isn’t a direct quote but it was the gist.

It gave me permission to let go of some of those things I’ve been holding onto, including the belief that I’d been given these passions for a reason and somehow the church must be tied up in that.

We also talked about failure, or I did. How in many ways I feel like a failure because so many things I want to achieve, I haven’t. When I was younger I wrote a list of things I wanted to do: countries I wanted to visit – some I have; seeing a show in the West End – I saw five; owning a pair of 501’s – did that and loved them.

Now there are so many other things I want to do and can't seem to, or at least haven’t yet, I’m still working on them. If nothing else I’ve discovered that I’m very persistent.

So then we get onto what is and isn’t failure. For me there is so much I want – I want to act professionally and I want to write professionally. I want to set up trust funds and finance other things, and before you say I can still help with those things by getting involved in other ways, I know myself well enough to know I may not be the best person for that part of things – I’m too impatient and blunt.

God however views things differently. For me the fact our first production didn’t break even, even when we were doing what we truly believed God wanted us to be doing, meant it was a failure. I won’t deny the learning curve was great and to an extent worth it, but still how do you class that as success. God however sees the fact we stepped out when he asked. And in little ways we’ve kept stepping out and for me the slap backs, rejections and disappointments equate to failure. God however sees the faith in the step.

The cynical part of me wonders how and why I should keep holding onto the dream, keep talking to God when we’ve fallen so many times. I see facebook friends post status updates like ‘I want things to happen for me, I’ve made good choices and want to reap a harvest because I’ve put God first’, and the first thing I think is…well that has never worked for me.

No-one cautions that it may not happen. That change may not make it easier. Sometimes they say God’s timing is perfect and His vision may be different to ours, that’s as close as they get to saying – sometimes God wants to take you through the fire again and again.

So yes I feel I’d like a break from the fires God. I want my words to touch many. I want people to see what I can do with a character and value it. You know though – here in the crucible it may hurt and be frustrating beyond measure but it’s here that I have my family. It’s here I stand, feet dug in, sweat, tears and blood dripping, shouting into the wind ‘Is that all you’ve got?’

I will not give up. I may feel like it but I won’t and those who love me won’t let me.

God sees me stand, He sees the tears and sees me get back up when I am down, for me this may be stubborn determination but for Him that is success.

Dammit if my words help just one person to get back on their feet. To not give up on Him because it’s not turned out like they were told it would or hoped it would. If one person realises they aren’t alone and pain is no cause to give up. If just one person is encouraged, then really I should, too, view it as a success.

So to conclude, in the words of two favourite shows:

Never give up, never surrender

If you can’t walk, you crawl, and if you can’t crawl…if you can’t do that anymore you find someone to carry you.

Take heart, you may be walking the narrow road and sometimes that is damn hard but at least you aren’t on it alone.

Advice?

Blessed is the man who doesn’t walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.

Psalm 1:1

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

Proverbs 15:22

I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing for a while, more specifically what to do when those who advise you do so with little to no understanding of what’s really in your heart. Of course I can’t really speak to anyone else’s experience so I’ll speak to my own.

Firstly I’ll give you an example from my marriage. When we had just had our first child my husband was playing in a cover band, gigging in pubs on weekends. It was at the time the only income we had apart from welfare. He was still playing in church but he’d do so after having had maybe three hours sleep (something he is still doing but at a different church). One day one of the leaders came up to us and said Steve should stop playing in the pubs and use his gift solely for the church. I think around that time I asked if they would pay the same as the gig, and of course that wasn’t about to happen.

Now similar things have happened to me. People just assume I am going to be involved in church drama and I have been at certain periods of time, but not at the moment and not often. Bottom line is I don’t like church drama, at least not like it tends to be where I’ve gone. When I say I’d much rather play a suicidal person or a psycho at a theatre rather than some weak character in some three minute skit, they don’t get it. They say I should use my gifts for God. They don’t understand how I could not be passionate about getting involved in church drama.

Here’s the thing though, there have been times when I’ve bitten the bullet and written stuff for church but no seems interested in those. I even wrote an entire worship service in response to a need and a lot of prayer, but one again they aren’t interested. I want to see interesting characters and 12 to 15 minute dramas that can be tied into messages. I don’t see why we can’t use these as opposed to film clips. I want to see things well-acted and yes even thought provoking, as opposed to the cheap giggles of seeing someone you may know on the stage.

So see it’s not that I’m not passionate about my gifts, it’s that there is no place for my gifts in the church. So where does that leave me. Do I bow to the advise of well-meaning people who say that God gave me my gifts to use for the church? Or do I follow my passion, keep challenging myself and keep hanging out with non-christians?

Then there are those people who say to me ‘I can’t wait for you to bring your acting friends to church. Why would I, I ask? Not for sketches that’s for sure. The people I know are performers, they watch and even study acting, and the stuff often done in the churches I’ve gone to just doesn’t cut it. I realise a lot of people like them and that’s fine just don’t expect me to.

So considering all this what do I do with my gifts? How do I find the right advice when the people most think you should go to for that advise simply don’t understand my passion or the industry. They think I should be content colouring inside the boxes they’ve designed for me. So what do I do when I’m not? What do I do when people aren’t interested in changing from boxes to heptagons? Do I compromise my passion and artistic integrity to toe the party line? Unfortunately I don’t do that very well. I like to have fun with my talent, I like to challenge myself artistically. So why do I feel rejected and unsupported if I choose to use my ability outside of a church environment?

Lest you think the only people I’m hearing from are church people, you should know my in-laws have there own thoughts. Now I love them dearly but being told I should consider teaching…now if they really knew me they would know I so don’t have the gifting to be a teacher. I don’t have the patience. My mother never understood my passion but she accepted it and in her own way supported it. My dad reckons ‘go for it’ – whatever it is. Well meaning friends and acquaintances say be careful. Very few people have actually bothered to ask why I feel led certain ways.

Very few have taken the time to invest in my talent. The people who support my talent are often those outside my faith or on the edge (those who have faith but are moving away from church and organised religion). I am good at what I do. I have worked at it and I studied it. This burns in my veins. It is what I desperately want to do. It’s what relaxes and calms me. It’s what fires me up.

So where does all this leave me and those like me? Those of us who are gifted and passionate. Those of us who want to stay true to our giftings, callings and passions. Or is it simply a matter of forsaking the search for advice and know that the path before me is difficult and at the best of times people not on that path just don’t have a grasp of it?

How do I find people who can stand with me, offer guidance, support and prayer? Where do I go to look for that counsel? How do I walk that balance of faith and ability?

My Girls, My Goals

My girls are amazing. It’s great to watch them learn and grow. With four years between them I find myself sometimes wondering if my eldest used to do things my youngest is now doing. Though I’m pretty certain that her catch-phrases weren’t ‘wick, wick’ and ‘oh dear’, and I don’t think she used to say ‘pardon me’ voluntarily after burping. I did wonder today if that had anything to do with her hearing loss. Having said all of that I’m so amazed to watch my daughter learn to read and start on basic math. She is a true joy to me, both of them are.

There are moments thought when I wish I could provide better for my girls. You know give up the dreams and creativity and focus on trying to get bigger and better promotions work wise. And should my hubby do the same? These are questions we consider on a regular basis, though I’m sure his parents don’t believe we do. The thing is we could try that path but from experience it would only result in us feeling more stressed and more grumpy.

However when I step back and change the glasses through which I look at my life I realise we have so much. The girls have so much. And my frustration at not being where I wish I was career wise is mostly the thing that keeps me pushing on. I want my girls to know that they can do and be everything they were created to be, but at the same time they need to know that they shouldn’t expect it to be just given to them. To achieve goals and be the best person you can takes effort, and yes even sacrifice.

Push on, pursue and dare to dream, then put your hands to the rock, push your shoulder into it and move those obstacles.