Merry Christmas

Well to all of you I wish the blessings of the season. Have fun, be safe and remember that we celebrate Christmas for a reason...thank you God for the gift of your son.

To all of you I just want to say you are loved.

Peace

What To Blog?

Okay play is finished and hubby is gigging. Book is also finished and I said I wouldn't go to bed before blogging...Guess we all need to set ourselves goals that are attainable.

So I'm still thinking about the book blog, it'd be kids and YA stuff coz that's my work thing. I've even managed to find a bit of time to write some more for both stories I'm working on and that's a good thing.

The other good thing is I've just about done my Christmas shopping, it's not finished because finding enough time to do it when the girls aren't around isn't easy. Oh and the spa is working properly again...yay!

Other things have been happening that have got my brain turning over. Friends and work and interpersonal skills that people have or don't. As well as relationships and ultimatums. So there is plenty of stuff to write about the thing at the moment is putting a book, any book, down for long enough to actually write it down. I wonder sometimes if I have so much going on that the creative side of me gets all mixed up. A while ago it was like I had ideas dripping out of my brain, I couldn't contain them all. Now I have work to do the ideas sometimes float by but I can't grasp them to consider them because I'm supposed to be working. Also I at least have the theatre to channel my creative juices. I think overall it's a good thing because I can be a little more focussed than working on 10 ideas at once. Then again how many ideas just end up floating away from me because I have bills to pay and work to take care of?

Well enough introspection for one night. I'm hoping that once the new year starts I will be able to refocus myself. What a laugh...how many people think that do you wonder.

At least though I hit my goal and blogged before going to bed.

Good night all.

Peace

What Happened To The Last Month?

Wow the silly season is upon us and all is chaos. Good thing I do okay in chaos. I've been neck deep in reading recently not so much on writing, but we all need to change things up every now and then. I am also 2 weeks into a 3 week run for a Christmas play I'm acting in. So between that and work and getting ready for Christmas... well I've kinda dropped the ball when it comes to blogging. The play finishes next weekend so I'm planning on getting back into writing then. I also may be starting up a book blog for work... I'm not totally decided yet, mostly coz I already put in extra unpaid hours I'm not sure I want to add to it. Besides they keep adding crap to my section like plastic piggy banks and watering cans in the shapes of snails and poodles...what the hell I work in a bookstore not a gardening centre or a bank. I love my job I'm just not too happy with certain things at the mo...every job is like that though, good and bad days. I'm ever so thankful for the great guys I work with though, so no point complaining (much) just need to get on with it.

Till next time

Love

God loves you. Do we understand the depths of that simple statement? I think for most of us we understand but the shadow of the whole. So much depends on our understanding of love. For many of us the subtleties and outward manifestations differ. Now that may sound like a crock but I know from experience that I get more out of certain expressions than my man does and likewise for him.

Here’s the kicker though, we don’t always give each other what speaks most to us. It is so easy to get caught up in the feeling rather than the meaning of love. We get tossed around in the shallows rather than dive through and explore the depths.

We focus on the passion in the kiss, the number of times we’re complimented or touched, rather than the fact that the perfect place to be when the chips are down is with the ones we love. I can be exhausted and frustrated and yet the girls’ laugh, or the words ‘I love you’ or a hug make everything more balanced again. Likewise I can be emotional, stressed, annoyed and yet the one place I’d really like to be at the end of the day is curled up in my hubby’s arms.

My hubby accepts me as I am and that is a comforting and intoxicating thing. He doesn’t try to change me. He doesn’t try to get me to be more tidy, or a more organised house wife and I don’t get him to be less phlegmatic and relaxed. Of course being that way is his nature but sometimes his ‘I’ll get to it’ attitude frustrates me. It’s taken 12 years but I’ve finally started to step back and let him do it in his own time.

The thing to remember is that he’s not perfect but neither am I, together we work at our relationship and because of that we have a safe place together and for our girls and us to be who we are – good days and bad. There is a lot of freedom in that. The catch is that kind of freedom has a price. It requires trust and honesty. I think a lot of us struggle with those things, in both our personal relationships and our relationship with God.

I’d have to say I don’t struggle with trusting my hubby but in other relationships I certainly do still have a hard time trusting. Say if someone still occasionally have a hard time trusting that people like me for me…the damage done in school can have effects that last for a long time.

Now back to the topic I started with. What and how does this relate to faith? I think it directly relates to the depth and richness of that relationship. (For me faith is a relationship)

Don’t read this thinking I come from some place of great theological depths and a well balanced perfect relationship with God. I don’t. Sometimes I struggle mightily with my faith. I’ve had a fair share of desert times, but I’ve also learnt a few things. I’ve learnt that God wants to spend time with me even with all my flaws. Even knowing all my secrets he doesn’t run from me. He also doesn’t need me to pretty things up or pretend the crap in my life hasn’t happened. He doesn’t want me to pretend to be someone I’m not. He knows I’ve gotten drunk, done a couple of lines of cocaine, used to cut myself, was possibly abused. He knows my friend has bad taste in guys always seeming to pick the ones who want to hurt her. He knows about stupid mistakes and dumb choices and yet He still is there for me. He still lets me pour my heart out to Him. And I am so different to you.

God will still wrap His presence around us when we sit curled up in a corner of a dark room crying because it hurts so much, or we feel so lost or out of control. Does He like or approve of everything we do? No, no more than I do with my girls. But that doesn’t change His love for us, like it doesn’t change my love for them. Would he like us to change some of our habits and methods? Yes, that’s part of growing up, maturing. Does He want us to change who we are at our inner core? I don’t believe He does. He made us, gifted us and called us all to be unique and worthy. Sometimes we get trapped or sidetracked into things that ultimately aren’t good for us. And He still loves us.

Do we really understand how incredible that gift is? We stand before Him stripped down – all laid bare and he steps towards us, arms wide and pulls us into the biggest bear hug. His love is that deep it holds onto us in our darkest moments and when we try to run and hide. For this moment allow yourself to accept that. Embrace that feeling. Swim into the depths of a love that doesn’t hesitate to give it’s life for you. Love at it’s purest and it’s there for you.

Focus to Write

I have these things I want to write but the topics seem so big at the moment that I can't figure out how to start. It seems also that finding the time to tackle them is a bit of a problem. 20 minutes on the train to and from work means I find it hard to get started and then pick it up again. With rehearsals I'm also out a couple of nights a week. Weekend days are not so good because the girls don't really leave me alone long enough and while that is occasionally frustrating I don't begrudge them that because I'm not home during the week. Then of course the nights I am home without hubby I have great intentions but lack follow through, I just flake. Then when he's home I either watch something with him or sit in his studio reading while he surfs, writes or plays with his photos.

I need to have better discipline.

Freedom of Religion

Pictures of a recent peace rally in the UK have been circulating on-line. Now I’m not about to forward the e-mail to everyone on my contact list because I’m not convinced it would do much except cause greater separation between certain people groups. So if I feel that way why do I want to address it in this format? Because a picture may be worth a thousand words but it can also be open to wide interpretation.

I find it incredibly sad that people feel the need to express themselves so negatively (i.e. death to…). How sad to have to say conform to my faith or you should/will die. I’m not naïve enough to say this from some holy hallowed ground because my faith has periods of that in it’s history.

I’m thankful I live in a time and place where I am free to choose how and what I worship, because quite frankly I wouldn’t make a very good fundamentalist Muslim. I don’t even make a good fundamentalist Christian. I am way too opinionated.

I have come to a period in my life where I say I am a Christian. I believe in God but I’m not about to get into a slanging match with you about if He is real. I can’t prove God to you. God isn’t quantitative for me he is experiential. I don’t think God needs me to make excuses for Him.

I am simply glad I don’t feel the need to spew violence and hatred on people who don’t share my faith, the way these people at the rally did. What is also very sad is that people like these get accepted as the totality of that faith, when that is simply not so.

Pain

I know this is a repost but I have been feeling that it was something I needed to do, so here it is.

I have scars. They are faint and unless you were looking you wouldn’t know they were there. These scars I’m talking about were self inflicted. Self harm has almost become a trendy topic, in some circles to the point were it’s talked about and played with as something to do. The truth is the reasons behind it can be much darker and deeper. Self harm isn’t something you should do to fit in and a lot of people that do it don’t talk about it. If you ever see their cuts or scars they may dismiss them, make light of them. But with or without the bravado it’s a cry for help.

For me it wasn’t something I was proud of or something I wanted others to know. My one friend who saw the cuts did so because I rolled up my sleeves one day without thinking. Was she nice and sensitive about it? Hell no. She ripped into me demanding answers and when I wouldn’t give them to her she kept pushing. She then insisted if I ever felt like doing that again I had to call her. I don’t think I ever cut myself again.

I’ve known girls who self harm to shrug it off, saying it’s unimportant. They display all this bravado but honestly if there wasn’t something wrong they wouldn’t be doing it.

As far as this topic goes, for me a blade wasn’t my big thing. If you’d asked I would have said I did it because I was curious but let’s face it what normal kind of person is curious about being cut by a knife. They just aren’t. My more common method of self harm was my hands, to be precise I use to hit things, big solid surfaces. It didn’t tend to leave obvious marks, sometimes grazes and bruises but nothing as noticeable as scabbed up cuts.

It’s important to note that self harm isn’t always about cutting yourself nor is it always connected to attempted suicide. I never thought about ending my life. Which then leads to the obvious question – what was it about then? The one word answer is pain. That probably doesn’t tell you much though. A better way of putting it is pain management. I had a lot of baggage, a lot of stuff I didn’t know how to deal with properly, years of insecurities that culminated for me in my twenties. I was never popular, I was teased a lot and had self image problems, all hidden behind walls I’d built around my emotions. In early high school guys weren’t particularly mean, they just ignored me for the most part but the girls were really nasty. Later on though there were a few guys who seemed to like nothing better than attacking me verbally in any way they thought was funny. I always had things to say back to them and never let them see the damage they caused, but just because they didn’t see the pain didn’t mean it wasn’t there.

Later on I used my physical assets to get attention, but attention and good healthy relationships are two vastly different things. The attention made me feel better momentarily but didn’t do anything for me deep down. Deep inside I felt alone, as though no-one cared to know the real me. That’s the danger when you live to get approval from people in general. When your happiness is reliant on the external and you live to get surface gratification, you find it only lasts for a brief moment. We all really want someone to care for us deep down, not just like us for our breasts or because we will put out.

I had plenty of people hitting on me but that didn’t stop me feeling depressed and alone. I’d walk home after a night out with my girlfriends and I’d punch the rough rock walls because I felt so miserable on the inside and for a brief while, the pain caused by the rocks overshadowed the pain I felt on the inside. I think this is at the heart of self harm. It is a way to cover up inner pain. If we are going to deal with something like this we have to learn to deal with the underlying problems. We need to look at what is causing the pain and how each person deals with it.

There are healthy ways to deal with the pain life throws at us. Of course not all of us have parents or friends we can go to or even someone we feel we can trust with out innermost, dirtiest, scariest secrets. So instead we build internal walls and hide our emotions away. We don’t deal with our problems in an effective way and as a result at the very least cause ourselves no small amount of hurt. Sure you could say we don’t do it to ourselves it’s others that have done it to us but the truth is the only one who can decide how to play the hand we’ve been dealt is ourselves.

I suppose the next thing you might be curious about is how I overcame it. Well my friend was a good start. Like I said I don’t think I cut myself again but it’s worth considering that cutting was something I’d escalated up to so it’s possible that if my friend hadn’t stepped in when and how she did I could have kept going. That one conversation with her didn’t stop all my self harm and it didn’t stop the depression and loneliness but it was a step in the right direction.

The depression and loneliness followed me back to Australia (I spent a couple of years in my early twenties in the UK) and I kept living a lifestyle that sought approval and gratification from the people around me. I still lived a very superficial life. I wasn’t happy and I knew it. One day I accepted this and decided I was the only one who could change it. I didn’t do it alone but I needed to make the decision and I needed to take responsibility.

For me faith in God was something I grew up with so when I decided to sort out my life I knew it was my spiritual life I needed to deal with first. I went to a camp and used the time and environment (away from the city, work and all the influences that cluttered my days, drawing me into a superficial life) to deal with my issues. How did I do that? I cried out to God. I swore off men and took my loneliness, hurts and frustrations to the cross. This was a turning point in my life. Many things changed that weekend, not least of which being that I met the man I would be engaged to six weeks later. But that’s another story for another time.

All this was ten years ago and just so you know not all my problems vanished in an instant. I made the decision to change and took steps to do so. I also realised I needed a better way of dealing with things. It took time but I found my better way through faith and doing the things I love – for me performing is a great way to get rid of built up stress. Of course meeting my future husband meant the man thing wasn’t much of an issue anymore. The depression became much less of a thing as well. I still suffer bouts of it but it no longer drags me down for days on end and causes me to stop functioning effectively. Now I know there is a way out. I still feel lonely sometimes but now I know not all of us can surround ourselves with friends and be happy all the time. And of course my life still has many frustrations but they help me move forward, even if I do occasionally feel like punching a wall when I am at my most frustrated.

Bottom line is even though things don’t always go my way, or the way I think they should, I know now how to deal with my problems better and if I feel unattractive, useless or hurt I have someone I can pour my emotions out on. Even if my husband doesn’t understand or know what to say, God does. He knows the intimate parts of me including the darkest parts of my heart and he loves me still.

Not everyone’s path is the same but none of us need to deal with things alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel but we have to choose to walk to it and continue in it.

Being Real

It’s kind of funny, I just found out that someone thinks I was full of bullshit and playing mental games when I first met them. I have only seen them that once. Thing is I apologised when they first arrived, saying I was exhausted, I’d had to go to work that day and hadn’t been home long, I certainly wasn’t up to playing games. In fact, I don’t bother so much with games anymore, life is too short. I’m old enough to know better and quite frankly my life is full with wonderful friends, not loads but enough for someone who often found it difficult to allow people close.

So anyway, finding out this persons opinion of me got me to thinking, yeah I do that occasionally, about all the things we do to impress the people in our lives. Thing is it isn’t always the same tactic for different people. Around a person from a faith-based circle, we may try to tone ourselves down, change our language and deny certain things we think don’t fit, putting on instead things we do. Then with another group of people conversation can be more colourful, clothes perhaps more risqué and topics change.

Let me make this more personal for a moment. When I’m around church people I tend not to talk about sex. It’s not like I always put it into conversations but I try to keep innuendoes out or ignore them, when I wouldn’t in other groups, I perhaps police my thoughts more tightly. At the theatre, having an off colour sense of humour works.

Sometimes I wonder about myself because for all that I love God and have a heart that cries out for women in crisis, I feel far more comfortable sitting in a theatre bar talking about relationships, than I do in the auditorium talking to church ‘family’ after the service. I’ve gone into this sort of thing deeper in other posts, so for now I’ll just say that it’s perhaps because I feel there are expectations in the auditorium and there aren’t any in the theatre – as long as I learn my lines and hit my marks.

At a recent rehearsal I was asked why I wasn’t drinking, I said I was fasting because I felt it was what the big man upstairs wanted me to do, my director went ‘okay’ and that was the end of that. I felt accepted just being me and we all need that.

So back to this person that started this train of thought. I’m disappointed they felt the way they did because I had hoped we’d at least get along, the men in our lives are friends. I hadn’t gone into the situation with some underhanded agenda, I’m just not into that (I think it’s too much hard work). Granted certain circumstances are a little messy, but in this day and age so much of life is (soon divorces are going to include clauses about the custody of friends and how sad is that). Thing is I now feel she probably came into my house with some sort of plan or agenda and I didn’t meet up with her expectations. How sad to feel the need to live like that. To assume the people you come across all have an agenda. I’m not interested in living like that, I’ve got too much going on and the only way I can live the life I want is by being true to me.

So I wonder…how much of our lives is living true and how much is a façade? Me I’m all for being real. Others may not like it but how much pressure do you think we will take off ourselves if we do?

My Daughter's hand

There’s this thing about kids and I’m sure it’s not just me. Sometimes they are the best but sometimes they can be ever so trying and frustrating. I get home from work and just want to sit down and relax and it’s; ‘Mum can we…’, ‘Mum let’s go to…’, “Mum let’s play…’, and by the time that’s all over with I’m cooking dinner. When they finally get into bed there’s a big sigh and I collapse onto the couch.

Just lately though our two year old has decided that bedtime is just another game. So we now have to sit outside her room to make sure she doesn’t come out. It’s that or keep putting her back to bed every two minutes for an hour.

Then I tried a different approach. I gave her a hug and said it was time for bed and that meant it was time for sleep, lay next to her for a bit. This works okay (some nights, other nights the staying with her takes ages) until she wakes up in the night scared or with night terrors, then she just won’t let us go. She just reaches out her little hand to rest it on my face if I start to manoeuvre myself off the bed.

It’s moments like that, that even though I’m so tired or frustrated and seemingly unable to help, where I realise anew that no matter what, I would do anything in my power to make things just a little easier for my girls.

I'm Back

It's been a while since I last posted but it's been school holidays so I've been busy with programs for work and costumes and stuff. And then the girls. Somehow I'm still not that good at balancing everything. I'm writing on paper but not managing to get it onto my computer. So let's hope with school back I may get back to posting a couple of times a week.

Ethical Living

I found myself watching compass the last two Sunday nights when Geraldine had round the table dinner discussions with people from various walks of life around the concept of ‘what should you do?’ How do we live ethically and morally? My only problem was I wanted to see what was edited out, the discussions just didn’t last long enough for me. They dealt with topics such as fair trade coffee, carbon footprints, ethical investing, money from dodgy sources and cheating in relationships.

There is so much that they touched on ever so lightly that deserves thought, but I figure I may as well throw my two cents out there for the moment. I haven’t tried fair trade coffee but like one of the panellists it’s flavour for me with coffee so if it tastes bad I won’t buy it. As for plane travel versus a driving holiday, well the plane would be flying anyway (I can’t afford a private jet yet) so I figure pay the carbon tariff and fly.

If I had money to invest I’d do some research and get one of those ethical investment funds. There was a Buddhist nun who had great business sense and they asked how it was possible to have her faith and a portfolio. I say why shouldn’t she. Her use of the money is bound to be more ethical than many others, and if good people didn’t have access to money then many necessary things would not get done.

Taking money from things like drug sources, gambling of other seedy roots, well it’s not the money that’s evil, money just is. The power in money is in what you do with it. So yes I’d take the money because then maybe I can see to it that someone can eat this Christmas or pay their rent.

As for cheating in a relationship, what a mine filled topic. I was used as a cover by someone once and hated it, but it was made worse when her husband then hit on me. Like I said a minefield. Some people are of the opinion don’t get involved, other’s that the partner has an absolute right to know (even if the first thing they do is kill the messenger). Me I vote for honesty in a relationship. Sometimes it hurts like hell but it’s the only way to ensure the foundation stays strong. It also keeps others from having to make nasty decisions. And let’s face it finding out that other people know you are being cheated on is embarrassing – or maybe that’s just me. Ethically would I get involved? Well I guess that depends on the people.

One of the guests said he was fortunate to be in a position that he could ride an hour to a co-op market to buy food because he didn’t have children and other things that limited his choices or gave him certain time restrictions. It’s about doing what you can and understanding other people may have different limitations and certainly different priorities.

Wouldn’t it be nice if answers were more black and white than so many shades of grey? But then maybe life wouldn’t be so interesting.

What am I going to watch tonight now the discussions are over?

Won't Somebody Help Me?

I am a book junkie. On Thursday I bought a new book. I finished it Thursday night. Knew I was going to pay for it Friday morning but I didn’t care, I had to finish it. I did pay, though not how I thought I would. I slept late so I didn’t have time to drag my feet, be grumpy or feel sorry for lack of sleep.

My new job is proving to be a touch dangerous to my ability to balance the household budget, I keep finding new authors to buy. It was different when I wasn’t in this environment, then I was able to stick to authors I knew or where recommended by friends. Now my circle of reading influence has greatly increased and I’m surrounded by books and readers all week.

ARGHHHH! If anyone wants to take pity on this poor addict gift cards or cash will be greatly appreciated. It would be a tragic day if I had to turn to crime to support my habit.

First Lines

As a writer you hear about the importance of the first sentence. As a reader I’ve never really judged a book by that one criterion. Admittedly I decided to take a book home based on the first sentence but I tend to go for more than that.

Anyway today I met someone who chose their books that way. If the first sentence or two didn’t have enough description like he wanted (you know the building as opposed to the character, that sort of thing) then he didn’t want to bother with the book.

I can’t imagine reading that way, there is so very much you would miss out on.

Some first sentences – decide for yourself.

The storm had broken. Pug danced along the edge of the rocks, his feet finding scant purchase as he made his way among the tide pools.

When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. When it healed, and Jem’s fears of never being able to play football were assuaged, he was seldom self-conscious about his injury.

The nation had watched Shaiana cry so many times. Heard her voice crack as she struggled to complete her sentence.

My father’s family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip.

She wanted only to sleep. The plane touched down two hours late and there’d been a marathon wait for the luggage.

There was once a young man who wished to gain his Heart’s desire. And while that is, as beginnings go, not entirely novel (for every tale about every young man there ever was or will be could start in a similar manner) there was much about this young man and what happened to him that was unusual, although he never knew the whole of it.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.

A surging, seething, murmuring crowd of beings that are human only in name, for to the eye and ear they seem naught but savage creatures, animated by vile passions and by the lust of vengeance and of hate. The hour, some little time before sunset, and the place, the West Barricade, at the very spot where, a decade later, a proud tyrant raised an undying monument to the nations glory and his own vanity.

The race was barely nine minutes old when Jason Chaser lost his steering rudder, At 690 kilometres an hour.

1801-I have just returned from a visit to my landlord-the solitary neighbour that I shall be troubled with. This is certainly a beautiful country!

This inscription could be seen on the glass door of a small shop, but naturally the was only the way it looked if you were inside the dimly lit shop, looking out at the street through the plate glass door. Outside, it was a gray, cold, rainy November morning.

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and having nothing to do; one or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice, “Without picture or conversations?”

This is the story of an adventure that happened in Narnia and Calormen and the lands between, in the Golden Age when Peter was High King in Narnia and his brother and two sisters were King and Queens under him. In those days, far south in Calormen on a little creek of the sea, there lived a poor fisherman called Arsheesh, and with him there lived a boy who called him Father.

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.

Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hold with such nonsense.

In fairy-tales, witches always wear silly black hats and black cloaks, and they ride on broomsticks. But this is not a fairy-tale. This is about REAL WITCHES.

My Rules For What Your Kids Should Read

Okay here’s the thing, there really is only one rule.

Read It First!

Genre is subjective and lets face it good writing can be not a necessary consideration, as lone as people invest in the story and characters.

Read It First!

Or at least find someone you trust to recommend for you or read it first.

Here’s the thing something’s simply aren’t appropriate reading. Remember the young adult fiction is rated 12/3 to 18 and a lot of the issues dealt with aren’t necessary for children of that age to read.

Now before you jump on me about being naïve, understand that this is my work as well as something I love, I’m not naïve. I’ve had feedback from parents saying they want something that has no relationship and angst issues because the kids reading the books aren’t able to cope yet with the things bought up.

Then of course my biggest point of concern at the moment…Twilight. This series of books isn’t appropriate reading for young readers. Just because your ten year old has friends who read the books doesn’t mean your child should be doing the same.

Do yourself a favour and read them first. If you still think they are fine then go ahead. And if you don’t care what they read then feel free to ignore my opinion.

This isn’t just a Twilight thing there are a lot of books that should be vetoed first.

Thinking about all this got me to considering what I read when I was younger. Truth is I’m not sure there was a YA section back then.

So anyway, here’s what I remember.

Age 8 – Famous Five

Trixie Belden

Age 10/11 - Nancy Drew

The Neverending Story

Age 12 to 15 – Feist fantasy’s

Other fantasy

Agatha Christie

Sweet Valley High

Francine Pascal

Puberty Blues

Sweet Dreams

My First Love and Other Disasters

I was an avid reader and yes I got into some quite explicit books by the time I was 15 but until then…well go back and read them if you can find them, they are quite tame by comparison.

Once again it’s not me trying to be naïve, mostly I just think kids should be allowed to be kids, to learn and grow without being expected to think or feel certain things they may not be ready for.

For goodness sake. Lets allow our kids to be kids and enjoy reading, it can be fun.

Expectations

I’ve just been cast in another play and I know it’s going to be a blast. I can’t help but wonder how I managed to not do anything for three years. Now this’ll be my fourth play in 18 months.

I love being someone else. I love the adrenaline rush of being on stage. I love getting feedback like “I wonder if that’s what she’s like in person?”, when I’m nothing like the character I’m playing. I’m grateful for the friendships I’ve found in the theatre.

For all the fragility of being involved in performance; all the self-doubt in my abilities, it’s one place I feel loved and I don’t mean empty accolades like ‘oh we think you’re great…’ I’m talking about being accepted. Truly accepted for who I am.

I just realised something. I don’t expect my friends from the theatre to understand or be interested in my faith, yet I expect people from church to be interested in my theatrical pursuits. I have a double standard in my life that I wasn’t even aware of. Huh!

It just goes to show how much I am responsible for those layers of hurt, hardness, protection I mentioned in ‘A Hard Heart’.

I expected more from people who are Christians because…I guess I just figured they should be genuinely interested in what my interests are. That’s a pretty selfish thought.

It’s put me on the other side. I once told a friend that I liked her but not a choice she had made. It put a huge gap between us because I didn’t understand how that hurt her. Years later we found each other again and she told me how I’d hurt her. To her the issue was more to do with who she was, not just a choice she had made. Now I am on the flip side. I feel the creative is not just a matter of interests or hobby but rather an integral part of me.

So much in life is a matter of perspective and we are all human. We all see things through different colour lenses. We all rate things as having different values.

Wow. Something else to work on. Fortunately like most things, the first step is recognising the problem and now I’ve done that I can start to make my choices with a better frame of reference. It reminds me that often we travel through life with blinders on – not just tinted glasses. How much better would things be if we periodically take a moment or two to step back, take a good look at ourselves and see how we have blinded ourselves to ourselves.

A Hard Heart

Okay, so this isn’t going to be pleasant. No-one likes to admit that they have a hard heart, but I think I have to. Ouch!

Oh my heart isn’t rock hard. I still cry at movies; scream at the news; my heart still aches for the girl who feels she’s unworthy to be loved by someone who will cherish her and treat her right; and the person who cuts because they don’t know another way to deal with the pain on the inside.

I also still want to know God.

However I have become incredibly questioning and cynical.

The silliest things bother me. For example; a sentence that effectively, in the whole of a sermon, is a joining or throw-away line, jars me as wrong or incorrect. I pick holes in the smallest of details like speaking style and certain sentences, even though there is nothing necessarily wrong with the preaching.

I think it’s like my heart is covered in a hard shell of wax and now stuff bounces or slides off the smooth exterior. Layer after layer has been added over it as certain things have happened: years of feeling as though people want me to fit into their boxes; of feeling more tolerated than anything else because people wanted my husband’s skills as a muso; of being told by leaders in church that I’m bossy, prickly and difficult to get to know.

Now I’ve enough age and experience, to know these things about me aren’t total untruths. I do speak my mind and I often wear my emotions on my sleeve. I was once told my opinion was valued but when I spoke up and offered it, I was promptly informed the issue was none of my concern. I also don’t seem to get into the things lots of mum’s in the church environment do and so I don’t really feel relaxed at these things. (Then again I didn’t even feel really comfortable at playgroup and that had nothing to do with church.)

It’s because of things like these that many of us build walls, or for the sake of the earlier analogy, I pour another layer of wax protection around my heart. So now here I find myself, still wanting to love God but somehow distant and dry. I think it’s a little sad that I don’t feel the freedom anymore to truly and freely worship in public.

It’s amazingly sad when we consider that often it’s the things we do to ourselves, even whilst telling ourselves that it’s others doing it to us, that cause the problems. Sure I could say it’s what others said or did to me, but it is at least as much to do with my actions or reactions. I can’t control others only myself. I can also learn that there are few who actually need to understand me. First and foremost on that list would be me. I need to know who I am, what my calling and place is and focus on that. It helps, of course, that my husband understands me and I think at times he does this better than I do.

Part of my problem stems from my struggle to be what I feel others deem a ‘good Christian’ should be. I feel I should be understood and accepted and if I’m not then I’m not ‘good’ enough at what ever it is I’m supposed to be ‘good’ at. It is sometimes difficult to remember that ‘good Christian’ is a human construct and as such prone to human failings.

All I can really be is the best ‘me’ I can, after all I was created this way, artistic temperament and all. Of course that doesn’t mean I don’t have things that need to be worked on – patience continually being one of those things. But for now I need to start cracking away at the wax and allow myself to accept that it’s not other people’s responsibility to understand me. I need to let that go and allow myself to be free to be me and at the same time allow others the same grace. Then, chip by chip, the shell will begin to crack open.

Work and Home

I’m finally getting the hang of this work thing. I’ve been incredibly blessed that my bosses changed a job description for me. What was a full time position a part time one so I could fill it and in the process I almost doubled my hours. I’m the only staff member with little kids and they understand that and are flexible around my kids. Now we say that’s how is should be but actually finding people like that has been awesome.

So now I work 9-3 weekdays, and to be honest there have been a few days when it has felt as though it is getting on top of me. You know the thing – up and out of the house to catch a train to work before the school run and so on. Then I get picked up after the school run and then there is all the housework. Okay so we all know I’m not so good at that, I wasn’t even when I wasn’t working. But I’m still doing the cooking and most of the other stuff, it’s just a fact that I’m more practiced and efficient at it.

My hubby does what he can but I’m a woman and one who often feels it’s quicker to do things by myself rather than ask a couple of times. So you can imagine my pleased surprise when hubby said ‘how do I put in a load of blacks?’ Awesome, thanks babe.

So anyway though I’m a bit disorganised I still somehow find time to write. Getting it onto my blog has proven a little problematic at times though. I guess you’ll always find time for your passion.

Some Funny Stuff

Okay just a few things that I have found somewhat humorous in the course of my work. (Just so you know I work in a book store)

CUSTOMER : Have you got what I’m looking for?

ME waiting for them to go on

CUSTOMER no further comment

ME : I’ll need a bit more information than that.

ME thinking, ‘hell I didn’t realise I was supposed to be a mind reader as well’.

**********

CUSTOMER : Do you have that book by that doctor?

ME : Um, I’ll need a bit more than that.

CUSTOMER : You know, that dr off the tv.

ME : I’m sorry, which dr?

CUSTOMER : You know.

ME : I’m sorry, do you have a title?

CUSTOMER : How could you work in a book store and not know what book I’m talking about?

**********

CUSTOMER : I’m looking for a book.

ME : Do you have a title, or author?

CUSTOMER : I looked it up on the computer, it said you had none in the store.

ME : Then I’m sorry we have none in stock.

CUSTOMER : Well is there any in (name of city)?

ME : I have no idea, you could try one of the other bookstores.

CUSTOMER : Can’t you just get on the computer and check all the other bookstores.

ME thinking ‘huh? A computer link up listing the stock of all the bookstores in the local metro area?'

ME : I’m sorry no such web site exists.

CUSTOMER looks at me as if to say 'well what good are you?', and walks away.

Seven Deadly Sins

These three video clips are a series of Vblogs I wrote, originally as one monologue, on the topic of the deadly sins. I didn't take the traditional line of stating flat out that they are wrong I wanted to do something I hoped would be a little more thought provoking. As the churches I've been involved in don't seem so inclined to do drama my way I'm going to try posting some of it online instead.

Some Days

Some days it just pays to stand back and appreciate what you have. Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the crap on the surface. You know : the bills that need to be paid; the person who sat on you on the train for most of the journey, without apologising; the fact the kids are yelling and you just want five minutes peace and quiet.

Take a look around now with a different pair of glasses on. Bills mean you have a roof over your head, food on the table and hot water to wash in. The train journey is the best form of transport to and from a job you love, and besides it gives you the chance to listen to your music not Hi-5 and some time to write. Yelling kids is just loud play, play is healthy and it means they don’t mind spending time with each other.

Some days it just pays because it’s the small things that put that smile on your face.

Advice?

Blessed is the man who doesn’t walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.

Psalm 1:1

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

Proverbs 15:22

I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing for a while, more specifically what to do when those who advise you do so with little to no understanding of what’s really in your heart. Of course I can’t really speak to anyone else’s experience so I’ll speak to my own.

Firstly I’ll give you an example from my marriage. When we had just had our first child my husband was playing in a cover band, gigging in pubs on weekends. It was at the time the only income we had apart from welfare. He was still playing in church but he’d do so after having had maybe three hours sleep (something he is still doing but at a different church). One day one of the leaders came up to us and said Steve should stop playing in the pubs and use his gift solely for the church. I think around that time I asked if they would pay the same as the gig, and of course that wasn’t about to happen.

Now similar things have happened to me. People just assume I am going to be involved in church drama and I have been at certain periods of time, but not at the moment and not often. Bottom line is I don’t like church drama, at least not like it tends to be where I’ve gone. When I say I’d much rather play a suicidal person or a psycho at a theatre rather than some weak character in some three minute skit, they don’t get it. They say I should use my gifts for God. They don’t understand how I could not be passionate about getting involved in church drama.

Here’s the thing though, there have been times when I’ve bitten the bullet and written stuff for church but no seems interested in those. I even wrote an entire worship service in response to a need and a lot of prayer, but one again they aren’t interested. I want to see interesting characters and 12 to 15 minute dramas that can be tied into messages. I don’t see why we can’t use these as opposed to film clips. I want to see things well-acted and yes even thought provoking, as opposed to the cheap giggles of seeing someone you may know on the stage.

So see it’s not that I’m not passionate about my gifts, it’s that there is no place for my gifts in the church. So where does that leave me. Do I bow to the advise of well-meaning people who say that God gave me my gifts to use for the church? Or do I follow my passion, keep challenging myself and keep hanging out with non-christians?

Then there are those people who say to me ‘I can’t wait for you to bring your acting friends to church. Why would I, I ask? Not for sketches that’s for sure. The people I know are performers, they watch and even study acting, and the stuff often done in the churches I’ve gone to just doesn’t cut it. I realise a lot of people like them and that’s fine just don’t expect me to.

So considering all this what do I do with my gifts? How do I find the right advice when the people most think you should go to for that advise simply don’t understand my passion or the industry. They think I should be content colouring inside the boxes they’ve designed for me. So what do I do when I’m not? What do I do when people aren’t interested in changing from boxes to heptagons? Do I compromise my passion and artistic integrity to toe the party line? Unfortunately I don’t do that very well. I like to have fun with my talent, I like to challenge myself artistically. So why do I feel rejected and unsupported if I choose to use my ability outside of a church environment?

Lest you think the only people I’m hearing from are church people, you should know my in-laws have there own thoughts. Now I love them dearly but being told I should consider teaching…now if they really knew me they would know I so don’t have the gifting to be a teacher. I don’t have the patience. My mother never understood my passion but she accepted it and in her own way supported it. My dad reckons ‘go for it’ – whatever it is. Well meaning friends and acquaintances say be careful. Very few people have actually bothered to ask why I feel led certain ways.

Very few have taken the time to invest in my talent. The people who support my talent are often those outside my faith or on the edge (those who have faith but are moving away from church and organised religion). I am good at what I do. I have worked at it and I studied it. This burns in my veins. It is what I desperately want to do. It’s what relaxes and calms me. It’s what fires me up.

So where does all this leave me and those like me? Those of us who are gifted and passionate. Those of us who want to stay true to our giftings, callings and passions. Or is it simply a matter of forsaking the search for advice and know that the path before me is difficult and at the best of times people not on that path just don’t have a grasp of it?

How do I find people who can stand with me, offer guidance, support and prayer? Where do I go to look for that counsel? How do I walk that balance of faith and ability?

Quick Update

Well what has happened? Things have gotten busy. At work some things have happened and I am now temporarily head of the kids department until they hire a replacement. I’m not sure I want to do it full time but at the moment the extra hours are useful. And let’s face it I love my job.

Also November is shaping up to be an awesome month. It will be our 12^th anniversary and I bought tickets to Nickelback and I just found out today that Matt Reilly, my favourite Aussie author is doing a book signing at the store I work in.

Oh I have done some more serious stuff for my blog and I promise you will see it soon. And I’m having some serious thoughts about other deep and meaningful things that I’ll probably get around to bashing out soon.

Blood Diamond

I watched Blood Diamond the other day. It’s a film that’s been in my collection for a while and somehow the time never seemed quite right to sit down and watch it. I needed to be in the right head space to do so, for me it was one of those films.

Anyway, I cried, no big there, it was better than even money that I would have. I hadn’t counted on my total emotional breakdown after the movie finished. I’m loading the dishwasher doing the stuff you do before going to bed when it hit me.

Throughout the movie I was struck by the cruelty, how could you not be? But I stood there at my dishwasher and cried at the arrogance, cruelty and greed of the human race. No other creature is as cruel as we are. And I feel so helpless.

I am aware that these things happen, nothing in the movie was particularly surprising to me; genocide, child soldiers, getting children addicted. And I feel helpless to change it.

I wish it was possible to wave a wand or something and change it. But it’s not.

I give to certain causes I feel strongly about and logically I know there is only so much one person can do. Then in all this I remember that humanity also has a great measure of compassion. I’d like to take a moment to remember and thank those who step into the breach and help where I can’t.

My Girls, My Goals

My girls are amazing. It’s great to watch them learn and grow. With four years between them I find myself sometimes wondering if my eldest used to do things my youngest is now doing. Though I’m pretty certain that her catch-phrases weren’t ‘wick, wick’ and ‘oh dear’, and I don’t think she used to say ‘pardon me’ voluntarily after burping. I did wonder today if that had anything to do with her hearing loss. Having said all of that I’m so amazed to watch my daughter learn to read and start on basic math. She is a true joy to me, both of them are.

There are moments thought when I wish I could provide better for my girls. You know give up the dreams and creativity and focus on trying to get bigger and better promotions work wise. And should my hubby do the same? These are questions we consider on a regular basis, though I’m sure his parents don’t believe we do. The thing is we could try that path but from experience it would only result in us feeling more stressed and more grumpy.

However when I step back and change the glasses through which I look at my life I realise we have so much. The girls have so much. And my frustration at not being where I wish I was career wise is mostly the thing that keeps me pushing on. I want my girls to know that they can do and be everything they were created to be, but at the same time they need to know that they shouldn’t expect it to be just given to them. To achieve goals and be the best person you can takes effort, and yes even sacrifice.

Push on, pursue and dare to dream, then put your hands to the rock, push your shoulder into it and move those obstacles.

At The End Of My Rope

I am a mother and I love being a mother. I love my girls and I love my husband, but right now I am at the end of my limit. I feel so bad because I have a very strong feeling to lock myself in my office away from everyone for a day or two. Okay admittedly the length of time varies but I at the moment I just wish everyone and everything would forget I existed, just for a while.

As a mother how do I cope with this? And is the desire to lock myself away really a problem? To answer the last first, yes. I know it is because I find myself snapping at my family. It’s not that the girls are even doing anything wrong (okay the youngest has taken to beating up the eldest, but she’s two so that explains that). They just want some of my undivided attention and really I should be grateful for their love rather than grumpy.

So I apologise for snapping and go and make a steering wheel for my eldest’s box car and know that balloon tennis really is quite fun. Whilst in the back of my mind I contemplate the wisdom of locking my bedroom door just so I can use the ensuite toilet in peace.

My 100th Post, A Little Audition Piece I Put Together...

A Funny Little Thing

Here’s a funny little thing. In my black funk of rejection I walk on to the train platform to head to work and there is a woman reading a book and inadvertently providing me with a lovely little rant blog. She dog-ears her pages. And we’re not talking little corners. These are big folds about a quarter of the way down the page.

You don’t do that!!!

ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

If anyone did that to one of my books I’d never lend to them again. I may never speak to them again. Well okay I probably wouldn’t go that far, but you feel me?

Ha, I feel better already.

Rejection

Rejection bites! I should know, I’m a double threat rejection magnet – I’m an actress and a writer. Let me tell you something, both these industries can be brutal.

Rejection isn’t something new in my life, so why am I choosing to write about it now? Well if you must know, I’ve been rejected on both fronts in two days. Yesterday I got a ‘thanks but no thanks’ e-mail from a literary agent (by no means my first), {this one said - As to your material I'm afraid I must pass -- I'm just not enthusiastic enough about the premise of your story to feel that I'd be the right agent for the project. Our agency represents a very full list of fiction writers and we must be highly selective in adding to it. I realize it is difficult to judge your potential from a query; nevertheless please know that I give serious attention to every letter, outline, and writing sample I receive.}

And today I found out I didn’t get a call back for a show I auditioned for. By no means do I expect a yes for every audition but I thought I did a pretty got job of it.

Anyway I’ve decided I shouldn’t check my e-mails before going to work.

So, now I’m down, bruised and trying to hold back the tears that threaten (hey I know it’s silly but I’m an emotional kinda girl), all because a couple of people didn’t see anything they could believe in, in my work. However as my man said : an audition is simply a job interview, and that is so true.

I guess I’m also pissed off because I allowed myself to hope. I gave myself permission to want and to believe, when part of my brain was saying – don’t be an idiot, when you get knocked back it will hurt more.

So I repeat, rejection bites! However life goes on and while I may be feeling the painful sting of it all now, I know I’ll get up, brush myself off, write again, audition again and hope again. I’ll hold fast to the words a director I worked with, once said to me, ‘You have the talent to do what ever you want.’ After all I know I’ll get there one day.

Stop and Take A Moment

Waiting and Time Wasting

Okay I’m more than a little pissed off. I couldn’t find my centrelink (welfare) form today – the last one I should have to hand in, or second last as I start work next week. No big deal I thought, go up to the counter and she’ll print one off, take about a minute, I’ll fill it out, another minute and hand it to her. Boy how wrong was I. Some woman came over to me and said I needed to go with her to register for self service, then I had to sit and wait for an appointment to do something I neither wanted nor needed. Now I’m wasting my time sitting on my butt while crappy morning infotv is on.

The system is a pain in the butt for those who aren’t trying to wrought it. As a result of incredible inefficiency I’m monumentally pissed off when I should already be out of here. The people in front of me were in the wrong line and if the woman at the counter hadn’t spent so much time on them – not that they seemed to listen or understand her, then I would be out of here.

I hate the bureaucracy of centrelink – sometimes I think they work it this way just to piss off those who need it for a time, or they think we’re all stupid and deserve to jump through pointless hoops. Maybe it’s that they need to justify the No. of people they have on staff and the time it takes to do everything.

A Reflection Of You

Chk, Chk, Boom

I debated about writing this, mostly because I don’t want to give this girl any further publicity but this morning something I heard tipped me over the edge. The fraudster who is the ‘chk chk boom’ girl is possibly going to be offered a job on a current affairs show. I don’t watch a lot of current affairs shows so why would it bother me you ask? Well I’m going to tell you.

We are in a recession where skilled, qualified people are losing their jobs and can’t get new ones. It’s not that I’m bitter about not being able to get a job in journalism, I decided not to follow up on my training for personal reasons, but there are a lot of people I went through journalism with that couldn’t get jobs in the industry. So I’m annoyed that someone with no skill or training is getting offered a job like that.

Also she lied and is now getting rewarded for it. Does no-one else see the ridiculousness of giving a proven liar a job reporting the ‘truth’., she simply has no credibility, though there is much debate about the credibility of current affairs reporting.

Sure when it came out that she lied she got a lot of venom spat her way but that still doesn’t mean she should be rewarded for what she did. You can bet if she didn’t look pretty on camera – if she was a normal sized woman without makeup, or a larger woman, that her statement wouldn’t have gone to air, she certainly wouldn’t have got the air time she did and definitely not been offered a job. Let’s face it though it did make for good tv, she looked good and the words that came spouting out of her mouth were clichéd and racist.

I’m thinking that it seems in this day and age 15 minutes of infamy is a pretty lucrative step.

Chaser

I wanted to do this during the week when it would’ve been a hot topic but my internet was out, what are you going to do? Anyway the Chaser boys were back in the news this week. (If you don’t know who I mean google 'The Chasers War on Everything'). Well I find them funny, sometimes gross and sometimes stupid.

They got themselves in more hot water, no surprise really, this time from some people in the women’s movement. So what did they do that was so bad? They threw an effigy of our Governor General over the wall of The Melbourne Club.

Let’s back up a few steps. The Melbourne Club is a gentleman’s club – no women allowed. The Australian GG is always an honorary member. Our current GG is a woman.

So the Chaser boys set out to see if they could get her in. Well an effigy of her at least. Needless to say they weren’t successful. The only way they could do it was to throw her (the mannequin) over the wall. Piss funny I thought.

Then of course a women’s group got up on it’s high horse and said it was a horrible way for a woman to be treated (they were talking about the dummy not exclusion from the club). Oh give over and get down from that horse before you fall.

It was far more a comment about The Melbourne Club than saying it’s fine to throw a woman over a wall. Seriously.

The thing is I don’t actually see anything wrong with The Melbourne Club. Now before you get on another high horse hear me out. Guys should be allowed to have a space to be free from women and women should be allowed to have a place free from men. This isn’t a sexist issue, or a relationship issue, it’s about freedom and space to just be. There are times I actually like to have no guys around, and if I do then I can pretty much guarantee other women feel the same way because I’m not a particularly girly girl. If we like that why can’t men? If you really have a problem start your own club.

Of course it seems nature is, when someone says someone can’t, these days someone will always want to say that it’s an ‘ist’ of some kind and therefore wrong.

PS. I heard (though not personally verified)that the GG actually asked for a copy of the skit, so she can’t be too upset. 

Another Chance

In the middle of writing, yes I’m working on another novel - I know I’ll get published one day, anyway I got to thinking about people we know who seem to get all the breaks. These guys treat people like crap, run businesses on the iffy side of ethical, throw away opportunity after opportunity and they always seem to land on their feet. They get great deals, people throw money at them, and other great opportunities come their way… And I get frustrated and if I’m honest totally annoyed.

It’s like these people can’t do any wrong. I doesn’t matter whom they trample on in the process it still falls their way.

On the other hand my hubby and I try everything creatively, we even tried giving up and living a ‘normal’ life only to discover that for us that worked ever less then when we work our butts off creatively.

So in a moment of honesty with God, let’s face it there’s not really any point in lying to Him anyway, I was having a ‘hands-thrown-in-the-air-what’s-going-on-what-do-we-need-to-do’ moan, when I had an epiphany. (I love that word).

Is not God the God of another chance? Who am I then, to say when those chances should run out? I want God’s best for me, and if I step back and let go of my selfishness and frustration I see squandered possibilities. I honestly feel a little sad that God’s best for them is being missed. Truthfully I don’t know God’s mind and heart for these people except that he loves them. I can’t say I know what His best for them is or was, I just see the missed possibilities and I wonder… I see someone perhaps deluding themselves that the mask they show people is the truth; I see someone running themselves ragged in the pursuit of the mighty dollar; I see someone else using others as a crutch and excuse. I feel sad at the missed possibilities.

Then I turn my eye to myself. I’m not where I hoped to be by now, but to become a master craftsman takes many, many years and as a creative person I know I am still a journeyman. In fact my creative journey will hopefully take me beyond forever. I don’t yet have money, a house of my own or even the financial or critical success in my chosen fields but I still have a love of my art and the passion to continue pursuing it. I have the ability to feed my family on a shoestring budget (thank you God, thank you Mum). I have a hubby who knows, loves, supports and understands me and we have a rock solid relationship that’s built on honesty and trust. We have two beautiful girls who are the delight of our lives even when they won’t let us lock ourselves in our respective offices and work – irrespective of the muse.

You know what I’m pretty blessed. I also know I probably missed some chances God had for me and so I’m grateful God doesn’t stop at chance number 37 just because…

Technology and Girls

SEXTING

I was listening to an interview with a sixteen year old girl the other day and I found it quite disturbing. It’s not the first I’ve heard of this topic nor is it likely to be the last. In fact I’m sure I’ve touched on this topic before, I’ve certainly ranted about it, however when one rants as much as I do there is no guarantee it actually makes it to my blog.

For those of you who don’t know what sexting is, basically it’s phone texting with sexual content – words or pictures.

It appears it’s becoming quite the thing to send naked or partially naked photos of yourself to members of the opposite sex. Though truthfully it’s more something I’ve heard of girls doing rather than guys but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen both ways.

For me sexting is a concern on several levels, not least being that when these kids are doing it, it is a form of child pornography and therefore illegal. Another thing that worries me is this is yet another area fraught with sexual harassment issues, not just among kids either.

Something else these kids can’t seem to get their heads around is the fact that once it’s out there, committed to the digital ether, they have no control over it. The person they sent it too may say it’s just between them but what’s stopping them forwarding it to their mates and so on. If this happens in a school environment it could be moments before the whole school has seen the picture. The repercussions are scary to contemplate; teasing, humiliation, the message it sends to people about what you will do (even if you won’t), and the damage it can do to someone’s self-esteem. Not to mention the fact that picture could still be out there where you are 25 and looking for work – ‘oops sorry we can’t hire someone with a history like that’. Or even worse some slimy, sleaze (and no they aren’t all middle aged and older, there are plenty of sleazy guys much younger than that around) could find it and try and cyber stalk you.

Which brings me to my question. Why do it? Consenting adults spicing up their sex lives I can understand, though that too comes with risks. At 12, 14, and 16 though? Really what’s the point? What’s the need? I’m assuming it is in part the cyber generation’s contribution to screwing around. Yet another way for a young woman to trick herself into thinking someone really cares for her.

I’m not going to pooh-pooh sex. Not even my mother or grandmother did that, sex outside a committed relationship was another matter. Sex absolutely has a place in a relationship, just not at such a young age. No I’m not being naïve, I know they do and I know they think they are old enough, I just believe they’re not. I’ve seen so many people (and not all teenagers) mistake sex for love. Sex isn’t how you feel loved. Giving all of yourself to somebody like that isn’t going to make you feel loved for more than the moment, it’s not going to make everything alright, and sex will not complete you. And sexting is exactly the same. You being a whole person, acceptable and loveable isn’t reliant on your willingness to flash your boobs around cyberspace.

Please girls think more highly of your selves than that. You are worth much more. You deserve better than someone who wants or expects that from you.

MYSPACE

Now I’m moving on from sexting to Myspace. I’m not against social networking, I’ve cruised Myspace and I Facebook. It keeps me in touch with friends in other countries, even friends I’ve made on-line. It is also a useful way to keep track of my theatre and film friends and find out who has what show or project going. So I find it useful, if not somewhat time wasting (particularly when I play games).

However unless it’s someone I know personally I know there is no guarantee what I see on a profile page is true. There is no way to police that an uploaded profile picture is of the person who’s profile it is. You just have to say you have the right to upload the picture, if you’re fabricating a profile you’re not going to be concerned about lying about that. A profile is simply not that difficult to fake.

The young girl from the sexting interview believed she could tell what people were really like from their Myspace profiles. She believed she had a system and that certain things show someone to be honest or not. Surely if she can think that then so can the person making up the page. Not all predators are stupid. It would make our lives as parents so much easier if they were.

The sad but simple truth is that people lie. Predators LIE! Twenty year old boys hooking up with fourteen year old girls on-line, tell them they are beautiful and that they’ve fallen in love with them and could they please send an intimate picture or hook up someplace – LIE! Sad, sick, perverted, twisted people LIE! Guys that want girls to put out – LIE! Cyberspace just makes it that much easier. It may be connected but that doesn’t mean we are honestly connected. It is easy to pretend in cyberspace.

Please girls stop lying to yourselves about what you are doing and what could happen. By all means embrace technology but do it wisely. Be careful what you put out there because you never know what you’ll attract back. Be honest with an adult you trust and never mistake intimate suggestions or conversations with love.

Great, true love is possible but remember that Romeo and Juliet ended in tragedy. Don’t follow in their footsteps. Be wise in your search and value yourself. If you don’t why should anyone else.