I'm not dead yet.
Every time I got asked 'How you going Kylie?' or words to that effect, my answer was 'I'm not dead yet.'
How or why did it get to that point?
Yesterday I completed my second Tough Mudder. Some will say, 'you crazy woman', others 'go you'. I'm good with both.
Yesterday though was a bigger challenge for me than the actual race. Some very good friends of mine, and teammates, were injured and unable to run this year. This hit me in a very strange way. I realised that this would mean I would be running with a bunch of people for whom fitness is their competitive centre. This made me nervous, I do these events to challenge myself and because, running for the sake of running is something that simply doesn't appeal to me. I like the obstacles.
The map came out and I got excited again. The day drew closer and I got nervous again. Yesterday morning I was both.
I met the new team members.
Where was Josh?
We laughed and got psyched up. We jumped the wall into the starting box.
We heard the spiel and said the Oath.
I will not whine, kids whine.
Then we went.
I felt good but it wasn't long before the others hit their stride as the pack spread out and I kept up for a km or so but my running time simply isn't very fast. I started to get disheartened. That is a bad headspace to be in. This whole thing is about challenging yourself, not being better than or even as good as everybody else. What an unreasonable expectation to put on oneself.
The problem with being someone like me is I hate being the weakest link. I hate letting others down and that is how I felt. I felt as though I was letting the team down.
Don't get me wrong there was nothing in my team's behaviour that made me feel that way, it was all in my head. But my head can be a messed up place to be. Once you start a downward spiral like that it can be damn difficult to pull yourself out.
Fe wouldn't let me sink, she recognised my mental struggle and kicked my butt, mentally and physically, that's what good friends do, they know how to help you, even when you try to push them away.
I kept going. I wasn't going to let the run beat me. I said I may not be fast but I could definitely do the distance. If they wanted to get out ahead, I didn't mind. They didn't leave me. I came up with a different strategy. I don't need to rest a lot. I'm a stubborn thing. I decided the best way I could help the team was to run while I could, if they needed to stop to get out stones I would head off knowing it wouldn't take them long to catch up. It was the best plan I could think of to not slow them down.
'How you going Kylie?'
'I'm not dead yet.'
I was determined. But my head wasn't making it easy for me, I came off an obstacle I'd made it over every other time. My head said, 'You're too old for this.', 'Why did you bother?'. Deep inside me fought back with 'shut the f*&% up, I'm not dead yet.'
There was an obstacle I really wanted to succeed at, and it didn't matter that more than half the people I saw attack it came off, when I came off I was frustrated and annoyed, 'What did you expect, you're just not good at this.'
'F*&% off, I'm not dead yet.'
I wrenched an arm slightly coming down a wall and I didn't care, because it was a minor inconvenience nothing more. Those obstacles are the part of it I love, and I can help with them. I can be a team player. At some point in time I realise I am the oldest in our team by a bit, so I told them to kiss my ass. The voice in my head recedes and that is good.
The terrain this year was tougher, I'm sure of it. More hills and definitely more rocks to climb. My knees aren't too fond of stairs and that translates to hills and rocky outcroppings but damn it 'I'm not dead yet.'
Then came my arch nemesis, Everest, damn it more than anything I wanted to beat that one this year. And I nearly did, I even caught the hand of the guys at the top but it wasn't a good enough grip and I slipped. Damn it so I tried again. And tripped on something taking a very heavy fall. Busted up my whole right side rather spectacularly. Everyone else made it. It was a huge blow to my mind but 'I don't care, I'm not dead yet'.
I limped away but shook it off and continued on. My team was awesomely supportive. They pushed me and encouraged me.
Bugger it though, my hand was swelling up and I couldn't hold onto anything, so try as I might (and I did try) I couldn't beat the next couple of obstacles. You know what though, 'I'm not dead yet.'
I hit the arctic enema.
I loved the Fire in your Hole.
As a repeat Mudder, a Legionnaire, we got another go at Everest, but I had to let it go. Then was the electricity. Others thought having done it before they would go around, me having come that far and fought so damn hard with my own mind, my own fears and insecurities, decided 'I'm not dead yet, let's go'.
I did it. I finished the event. I finished it with a great team. Thank you guys. They even made sure I crossed the line with them.
My mental game didn't finish there though because as I tried to break it all down I became convinced that in some way I was a failure. What a crock. I completed an event that many won't even contemplate doing. How is that failure? Sure it wasn't the fastest time but it was quicker than last year. I got the best injury and I still finished. I'm over forty, I ran a lot of kms (I think the official distance was 18kms) and I beat my own fear of heights and failure.
I got caught in my own insecurities. I let myself focus on the negatives. I'm too old, not fit enough. I'm letting them down.
No one put these thoughts into my head. They are my own perceptions. My own fears. We live in a society where we focus too much on the negative. We are almost better at putting ourselves down. Is it because we think if we do it, it won't hurt when others do? In my case, yeah probably, it's a hang over from my school days of being teased and rejected. All these years later the effects that are mostly gone still pop up every now and then. It's a battle, but it is one you can win. You're not dead yet.
I am 41 years old, I was never very good at sport and yet I have finished two Tough Mudders. Kiss my ass. I am not good with heights, and yet I will climb those damn ladders and jump off that platform. I will throw myself at a suspended cargo net, and a curved wall. I can be injured and I won't give up.
All in all it is a bit like life. The only thing that really matters is how you react to what is in front of you. Your challenges may not be the same as someone else's, so what. You don't need to conform to what someone else dictates. The only person you need to be happy with, and challenge (be better than) is yourself. Don't allow the negative thoughts, the fears and insecurities, rule your actions. Align yourself with others who can help, be that in words of encouragement or kicking your ass (figuratively or literally).
I am not a failure.
I am not dead yet.
There is plenty more fight in me. That is how we face our fears, reach our goals and grab our dreams.
You're not dead yet.
