Short and Sweet

This is going to be short. This week has included epiphany, hard work, submissions and some interesting thought directions. So these few sentences are just to let you know I haven't forgotten to blog, I've been busy and need some time to sort out what to write. Things are happening I'm just not really sure what. So I'll take a few days and come up with something far more coherent.

A Little Brighter

I want to thank those who offer their encouragement and support, you know who you are and I am incredibly grateful that you are in my life.

I still wish I didn't have to fight so hard for what I want, but now I am refreshed a little and able to face it with at least a bit of a smile on my face. Though with the weather heating up I'm not so sure my smiling will last if I keep up my running.

I am content to say I believe and yet I struggle. This in no way makes me unique I know this I also know that sometimes its hard to see a way out when you feel so stuck in the darkness. It just takes a little while sometimes to realise that the darkness isn't complete and doesn't mean I'm swamped in evil. Just a little down.

This week has been something I really needed, a week off work. It's no secret that work and I aren't on the best of terms at the moment and to be honest this has been a great week one I wish I could continue in. I know everyone feels that way after time off. It's not so much that I long to stay home and game or do nothing, rather that I wish I could stay home and write. More than anything I know in my heart that this is my passion and what I am meant to do. So I will persevere. I'm pretty good at that, and trust in the knowledge that one day...

Till then I will believe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Now For Something Deeper

I started a blog a bit ago about this woman in her 30's who died while car surfing. Stupid thing to do yes. Even more stupid when you consider she was doing it on a car driven by an unlicensed 16 year old, and the woman's kids were in the car. So in short what kind of idiot does that? I'm sorry it's sad for her kids to have seen that but what was she thinking?

Moving on now because I know I could go on about not acting your age or being responsible for your actions and their consequences but what would be the point, I'd probably be preaching to the converted. So to other matters.

I think I had an epiphany of sorts this week. It's been a really tough time recently. And before you say anything like 'well it's coz you're not going to church', I'd like to stop you and say this toughness is no different to when we were. We got ripped off this week as well as everything else. Though usually when we take a step forward something happens with the car so this at least was a new twist.

I've been thinking a lot about my faith. I sometimes miss church but to be honest I really love being able to relax and do nothing with my mornings on the weekend.

I talk to God everyday, and to be honest there are days I'm not sure he listens, because it really feels as though nearly every prayer I've prayed has been unanswered or answered no. So where does this leave me?

I shouldn't just believe because I expect something in return I have blogged about that before. I believe there is a God and he created me. I believe he is capable of performing miracles but I don't believe he can be bothered doing one for me.

This was my epiphany. I believe he can, I just don't think he will for me. Interesting isn't it? I have been obedient and had it shoved in my face. Hubby had been obedient and things have gotten harder.

It was simpler when rent wasn't so high and we didn't have to think about the girls because I always have their interests, needs and wants in the back of my mind.

When hubby was fully into worship and playing conferences and stuff it was less stressful, not because our circumstances were much better but because we had less responsibility.

I am sick of taking one step forward and being shoved three steps backwards. And yes that is how it feels. I write what I believe God has put in me to write and what happens, someone tries to rip me off and then nothing. We believe for what we feel God has put in our hearts to believe for and we end up in the red. The guys start work on a worship album and we get ripped off.

I'm tired. That's what this all boils down to. I'm so tired. God said to rest in him and that's fine but when I don't believe he will really provide for MY family I absolutely can't stop. I know he can and does for others. I've believed for it and seen it. But with the stuff some of our closest friends are going through and they have been incredibly faithful, and with what we've been through, I'm really struggling with being able to trust that God has my best interests at heart.

I am so tired.