I thought it had been 2 weeks since I last wrote, turns out it is 3.
My life is in such a learning curve at the moment. Sure there is the new job, most people in the job reckon it'll be 2 years till you start to feel like you have a handle on things. I'm clarifying things about myself though and that is a good thing, or at least I think it is. Some people may not feel that way, I get that. Learning about yourself can be scary because we tend to live with bits of ourselves hidden in the shadows, most of us don't like to admit we have darker corners of our lives.
I work in an environment where people are who spend most of their time with the darker corners of their lives. It sometimes get you thinking.
People say their kids are their lives, but how can they be when they blow things by thinking one dose of party drugs won't hurt, or that person has a really nice tv I want that. I see people who live for themselves until they are caught by that then they suddenly remember there are other things to live for.
Me I would do anything for my kids and I don't have to worry that there is anything false in me saying that. I took a difficult job so I could ultimately spend more time with them and provide better for them. I would go to the wall for my kids and I know it without a doubt. How sad then to think about those who clearly have moments when they think that and others when they don't, who then get surprised when no-one believes them. I am grateful my kids will never have reason to question how important they are to me. (And yes I am fully aware there will come a time they will hate me.)
That is a positive that is reaffirmed in my life all the time.
There is however, a part of me that is a real cynic. A part of me that goes, 'you're kidding right!' I knew this part of me existed, it is the very reason I think I would make a terrible counsellor. I hear 'but I'm having relationship problems and think 'how does that make you special?' I hear how cruel the system is and I think 'how stupid are you to keep doing the thing that got you into trouble in the first place?' I hear 'I can't afford #####, you'll have to do it for me' and think 'why? if it happened to me and I can't afford it no-one will get it for me.'
This is the darker side of me. The side that probably wars with that 'good christian' who must be there some where. I embrace this about myself though. It makes me who I am but also puts a different spin on things to the one most christians would have.
We often make the mistake of believe God to be this great goody two shoes in the sky. C'mon admit it, you know that stereotype is there. This is the one that says 'everyone should get another chance', that 'everyone is good'. There comes a time though when the chances are up. Not everyone is always going to get another chance. There isn't an unlimited amount of time for things to happen in. You can't keep making crap choices and expect God to wipe the slate clean at the last minute. Why should he make everything easy for you once you finally admit to screwing up? Why should life be easy for you once you admit to being a screw-up?
We are responsible for our own actions, and it frustrates me immensely when people constantly blame others for their lot in life. No not everyone is as gifted academically but that doesn't mean they can't learn something. I'm not gifted as a teacher - several of my extended family members are, that doesn't mean I can't teach my girls how to make good lifestyle choices. I can't play music (very well) so I don't try. Others I know can't act so they don't get up on a stage. I was not born into a family with much money. In fact I have lived off welfare at various times in my life and I didn't feel that society owed me anything. It is always possible to improve yourself in someway. Life is about choices. It is about knowing yourself and sometimes the most important things we can learn are about our darker sides. If we know where our weaknesses are we can make choices to go a different way.
Me, I need to make sure my cynicism doesn't drown out my ability to empathise and care. I need to constantly feed that positive and brighter side of my life to balance out the dark.
We are comprised of shades and choices. Choose wisely and don't be afraid to look into the hidden corners, you may find knowing yourself better shows you strengths you never knew you had.
My cynicism makes it possible for me to deal more impartially with people than those who want to constantly believe in the good of people, or those who want to judge.
