Thankful

I’ve been thinking of doing this for a few days now, and somehow things keep coming up, so now I’ve put everything else aside and I’m doing ten things that I am thankful for.
I think this kind of thing is good for the soul; it helps us evaluate and even recalibrate our attitude to our lives.

I am thankful for…

1. An active mind and body and I am capable of exercising both (though I probably do body less)

2. A husband whom I love and who loves and understands me, even though we frustrate each other at times

3. A five year old who is amazing, who learns, loves, teaches me (apparently thunder is God dancing) and is an awesome helper and big sister

4. A toddler who is a wonder and a joy (most of the time – we are starting tantrum season)

5. The knowledge, that even in the darkness of the valley, God is near, encouraging me on. I may not know the way but He does

6. The gifts God has bestowed on me, although they can prove frustrating at times

7. Friends both near and far who inspire, encourage, strengthen me, make me think and make me smile

8. The fact that in this economic climate we still have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on the table

9. Dreams of the future that I cling to even when it seems silly – for they give hope and without hope…?

10. Diane, this is a special thanks to you who gave me my fist blog award, you do all those things in No. seven, thanks for your friendship

One Thing I Keep Working On

Today we had to take our eldest to the hospital, nothing big, just a routine checkup of her hearing loss. Thing is I hate the children's hospital I hate the waiting, I hate the fact they have a huge flat screen tv on the wall in the waiting room but it's not on. I hate that we wait for an hour for a five minute appointment.

Today was not a good day for me. Several things went wrong before we even got to the hospital and I am the sort of person that likes things to go to plan. Then we had to see the audiologist, even though she sees one somewhere else, before we even got in the cue for the Dr. The audiologist then wanted me out of the testing room because my baby wasn't silent, and she wasn't happy with me waiting outside the room in the corridor either.

I got crappy with her. I could have just agreed nicely knowing my daughter wasn't likely to like it too much, but no I had to get grumpy. The only problem is everytime I do this I then have to apologise. It's not even a big battle any more, God doesn't even have to really say anything, it's more like I know the kick in the head is coming so I accept the fact I have to apologise, and I do it. You would think I would know better than to constantly get myself into the same pit, but no, fortunately though the hole is shallower every time.

One day I'm sure I'll walk away from the grumpy response.

A Few Small Words

“You have enough talent to do what you want”.
I have held onto these words for years. They were spoken to me by a director I respected and in my moments of doubt I hold fast to them.

However they aren’t the only words to have had a big impact on my life. More of those in a moment.

Last night I was feeling down. Questioning myself, questioning my ability as a writer, as an actor; questioning whether I’m someone anyone would actually like to be friends with. That may seem silly given my determination to pursue my dreams then again, given that I haven’t yet achieved financial success in either of those areas, maybe not. Not that I’m going to give up just yet.

So anyway back to those words. While I was trying to work my way out from the mire that can so easily pull me down, I was hit by a revelation.

I was once told…
“You do realize you are prickly, difficult to get to know, and that people find it hard to get close to you.” Or words to that effect.

Add to those words these facts : The tone was, I felt, one of - I was the one who needed to change to fit in with this group of people; the message was about how I fit with the women but was being relayed by men; these men were ministers, leaders in a church environment – surely it was there job to encourage and support me not tear me down.

Is it any wonder I still struggle with who I am? Is it any wonder I struggle with the institution of the church?

These people wanted me to fit in with them, to toe the party line. They wanted me to fit in with the status quo. I’m not really sure what I did to warrant their response, I suppose it had something to do with the fact that the women’s activities didn’t really appeal to me; that if I thought something was crap I’d generally say so; that there are times I don’t do surface well; and I don’t like wasting my time.

Whatever the reason/s, these are words that have never really left me. I remember them often but used to consider them annoying more than damaging. How wrong was I? People who were supposed to be friends basically told me that for anyone to like me I had to change who I was. Is it any wonder I get worried about if people will like me?

By no means am I perfect, I know sometimes people don’t appreciate brutal honesty, I know I can be tactless and I have some rough edges. I’m working on those, and on keeping my mouth shut. But I am who I am. My likes, desires, talents and interests are all part of the package. I am no more likely to prefer watching “Sex In The City” over “Peter’s Friends” than I am likely to start wearing makeup every time I step out of my house.

I am who I am: stubborn; gifted; weird; smart; deep; crazy; loving; crappy at housekeeping; passionate; slightly broader across the butt than I want to be; Me!

Be careful what you say, you may never know the impact of your words.

What A Wake Up

Today has been strange.

I found out today something I thought was going good in my life may not be quite what I thought. This thing was something I believed God wanted me to do and something that would change things for us for the better. That's not the strange thing though. This morning when I started my morning prayer time, something I do before getting out of my comfortable bed, God spoke to me.

Now I realise for some reading this, that may seem off the wall to say the least, but it's not the first time He has and I'm sure it won't be the last. This morning though He said I want you to read Romans 8:28. I'm thinking really, why? I know what it says, i read it last night. I was told again to read it.

While I'm not the best at reading my bible regularly or even recently going to church, I do try to be obedient when God speaks, which some means some people really don't understand some of the decisions I've made.

So I read it.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Rms 8:28)

At the time it didn't mean anything specific, it is a familiar verse and I thought God just wanted me to refresh it. Hours later after a few hours worrying about what I found out, my husband told me it wasn't as bad as I thought and God had lead me to that point.

Duh!

Even then it took me a bit of repeating the verse for it to really sink in. It doesn't matter what the situation looks like on the surface, God sees the bigger picture and He is always behind the scenes working things out, even though to us it may not look like it at the time.

In so many things in life we can get complacent, and while I wouldn't say my faith was complacent will say that my understanding of that verse had become form - something I knew and could quote, but not something I was truly holding onto - and when life has you clinging on by the finger tips, as I seem to have been doing, that can be a very bad thing.

Surely in this case the proof is there clearly to see. I had no idea what today would bring, but God did, and He knew if He didn't let me know He had his hand on the situation I could very well fall apart.

Thankyou God for having your hand on me even when I'm sleeping, and your eyes on the path in front of me for those times it gets a bit rough.

If God Never Did Another Thing For Me

If God never did another thing for me would I still love and follow him? This was a challenge in a book I was reading. It’s an interesting but I think flawed question.
My instinct was to say yes. If my faith is real it wouldn’t make sense to let it go if God stopped doing for me. If my dreams being fulfilled relied on me, if getting up and over or falling on my face was all down to me, why should this effect my belief in God or my willingness to follow Him. Then of course once you start thinking about this then you start to wonder about what about if bad things happened? What if something happened to me, my hubby or the girls? Would I get mad, angry? Undoubtedly. Would I rant at God? Probably. Would I shout and scream and do all of that? Yes. But would I stop believing? I don’t think I would.
We in western society find ourselves in an interesting position. For the most part we are comfortable, even safe. Sure crime is on the rise or seems to be and we are currently living with the consequences of a ‘me’ culture but look outside yourself. In other parts of the world you can be killed because of your race, faith, political preferences, because you dressed wrong, expressed an opinion or even had the gall to want to be educated as a woman. I’m pretty blessed. I have a roof over my head, clothes to choose from, a variety of food to eat, furniture, entertainment and even clean water. There are even safety nets if certain things get pulled from under me. Other people aren’t so lucky. Due to where I was born I am living in far more abundance than many and yet if something I take for granted is taken from me…?
Is it not a particularly said state of affairs that we live in a place where we even consider the question, ‘would I still believe?’ What does that say about our faith?
We expect our children to reach adulthood relatively untouched and unscarred, happy and healthy. In other countries they just hope their kids survive. Which leads to the thought, if God is no respecter of persons then He doesn’t value one life more than another, so why should we expect to live our lives untouched by certain things? Has our luxury, our abundance made our faith weak? Are we complacent in our faith? Are our foundations on rock that is rooted deep or are they on the shifting waves of sand?
If God doesn’t do… then I will no longer believe. That is a load of…Well you know what I mean. Christ gave his life so I can have a relationship with God, now and through eternity. Why does God have to keep doing in order for us to believe? Is our faith contingent on what we receive? And is the stuff we refer to in that context material stuff or is it other? Is it love, peace and joy?
Now we come to the flawed part of the question. God is the creator, He is the original giver. He gave life and life everlasting. God can no more stop giving to His children than I can stop giving to my girls. That however does not mean I will always give them every material thing they want. It doesn’t mean I won’t take things from them to discipline them. I will always love them, I will always be there for them and help them work through the tough things and I will always want the best for them. Sure when they are little they may equate love with stuff, more likely though they will just pitch a fit that they didn’t get their own way and they may even say the dreaded ‘I hate you Mum’, but I’d like to hope that once the fit is over we can hug and tell each other ‘I love you’. Hopefully if we do our jobs right they’ll grow out of that phase, they will know we love them regardless of anything going on in our life or theirs.
So why then is our faith in God contingent on getting what we want, when we want it? It is easy to profess faith when all is going well but I have found it is those times I am being squeezed that I grow the most. I may not like it and I may voice my frustration to God, He doesn’t mind that, but it is in the furnace that we separate what is pure and what is impure.
I was in a car accident not long ago. Just my car involved, just me and my baby in the car. The car was a write off. I had bad whiplash, some beautiful grazing and bruising and my baby cut her gum. Essentially it seems the car didn’t want to turn the corner I wanted to turn and we hit a tree. At home that night I was having a bit of a whinge to God: “why did it happen?”; “why didn’t you prevent it?”; “why do these things happen every time we get a little buffer financially?”. In the midst of all my whinging God spoke to me. You want to know what He said to me? “I could have put you in a wheelchair.” Well that shut me up.
Don’t misunderstand. I don’t think God was being vindictive or anything, He was just letting me know in language that would get through to me, that it could have been much worse. A fact many people commented on when they saw pictures of the car. Hearing God say that made me re-evaluate. At least we had the money to get another car. Sure it meant we couldn’t do other things we’d planned like a holiday, but we weren’t going to have to borrow money. It made me re-evaluate other things too, deeper things about my walk with God and what I really wanted out of life. As a result I have made some decisions I had been procrastinating about and things feel better.
Our problem seems to be our perspective. We want God to give but on our terms. We see things very much through the lens of ‘what’s in it for me?’ I want to feel a certain way when I worship and when I pray. I want to know I will always be safe. I want to know I will always be able to get that new pair of shoes I want. I don’t think that’s God’s focus though. I think He is far more focussed on our character and saving those around us. He wants a deeper relationship with us, not one with a foundation of ‘gimme, gimme, gimme’.
Do I wish I had an easier life? Sometimes. Sometimes I wonder why it has been such a struggle and certain things have happened, but if I hadn’t had the experiences I have then I couldn’t say the things I’m saying. I know God walks with us through the trials, I know that sometimes His answers to us are no, just because we don’t like to hear it doesn’t make it an invalid answer.
God gives, He just doesn’t always give us what we want. It is in His nature to give, and He won’t stop doing that, so therefore the question is flawed. Then again depending on our answer maybe it is still a question worth considering. If we think about it honestly maybe we will realise our idea of gifts and God’s idea of gifts can be two different things. The path ahead of me looks a little scary but that’s fine because I have faith that God will walk with me through those scary bits even if He doesn’t take them out of the way.