Performance in Church

This is one of the things I've really struggled with over the years. I love acting, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it but I hate church drama with a passion.

It took me a very long time to be willing to get up on a church stage again and once I do they then start doing the very things I disliked about it in the first place.

We hadn't been committed to going to our new church for very long when they announced the formation of a drama team.

To be honest I rolled my eyes and groaned. Mostly because I wondered how or why God would be doing this now when he knew how much I hated it. Then I had that internal debate about whether I should let them know I have experience in performing.

I decided not to get involved.

I know I was judging based on my previous experience but that's what I had to go on. Yes it is possible for the person to be given this position to have more experience and more talent than me. For them to have great ideas and wonderful execution. But I couldn't see that happening.

I didn't give it much thought after that.

Until last week.

The team got up to perform their first (of the first one I'd been there for) sketch. It started for me badly but I thought I'd try and stay. I didn't last and the whole thing wasn't much more than five minutes long.

I walked out feeling guilty about being disrespectful. After all they at least had gotten up there and I hadn't, so what right did I have to judge.

It made me wonder again though, why it is okay for people with heart but no skill to be involved in a drama team but they wouldn't be allowed as part of a music team.

Then again it could be a self perpetuating problem. The sketches are short, unchallenging and sometimes badly written and badly executed, so people with skill won't want to get involved, therefore the only way the team can get new blood is to invite people with heart.

Me I would be embarrassed to be seen to be doing those sketches. That's right I said it embarrassed and I would never invite my friends to come and see one. I laugh when people say it would be good for my acting friends to come and see these things.

I know I probably shouldn't admit to being embarrassed but it's the truth. To be reading your script or to explain the piece before performing are just things that shouldn't happen.

I felt guilty for walking out but my hubby wisely asked how I would have felt being involved in something like that. I replied by telling him I would have hated it. And that is the truth.

It's not so much about being embarrassed by God but by the poor use of something I love.

Yes I think drama could be a very powerful tool but I also don't see that happening because people aren't interested in trying different things. I have tried and the responses have been ranged from 'that sounds interesting' to 'interesting but not now' and being just ignored.

The thing is though, then I have to deal with the 'why aren't you using your skills for God in church?' questions or the idea that because I am a mother my best skill is helping out in kids church.

It makes me sad in a way but the performing I am doing at the moment is challenging and powerful and I am happy to be putting my time in there rather than for a church.

London

What do you say in a week that London burned? These youngsters claimed they were doing it to survive, and destroying places that wouldn't give them jobs. Firstly I wonder why they weren't hired? Then again I can't say I've stretched my mind to come up with ideas other than the obvious. It seems to me that destroying stuff, ripping tv's off the wall and stealing games consoles in no way constitute doing something to survive.

I realise in some ways I'm not in much of a position to comment, I have a games console and tv. Then again I work hard to make sure there is food on our table and clothes on our children's backs. I would never think it was my right to steal one just because I don't have one.

It makes me wonder. How could it not?

I work hard, I come home, do what I can to make sure I don't suck totally as a mother and then I pursue my passions - writing and performance.

How many of these people actually worked hard to achieve anything? It seems so many of them have these chips on their shoulders about how others owe them. Well while I'm in this annoyed frame of mind I will ask - Why? Why should I have to pay for your laziness? Why should I have to suffer and fear because you are selfish and yet again lazy?

People in other countries have to fight just to get water and avoid bullets, they wouldn't know what a playstation or x-box is. It makes me so sad that people have come to this. Yes life can be hard and in some cases unbelievably so but that doesn't give you the right to hurt and steal from others.

I wish we could teach some people to value life because they so obviously don't.

Be at peace this week my lovelies.

One Act

Okay so here's the deal, I used to self-harm. Cut myself, scratch myself and hit things. This isn't something I have done in a long time so why bring it up you may wonder. Well I have just started the rehearsal process for a one act play dealing with body image. That is to say that is what it is about on the surface but underneath it looks at a great deal of issues women go through, including self harm. Of course there are many forms of self harm but strangely the character I am playing is the one closest to my past. I didn't really think about it when I did the audition but now I am. I know I'm not held by those dark thoughts that had me in that dark place any more but with performing something so dark sometimes it can get under your skin. My biggest challenge over the next several weeks is going to be to make sure I remain separated from the dark. Truthfully I'm not all that concerned about falling back down that way, I have too many good friends and a wonderful family that won't let that happen. So I suppose then my biggest challenge is not to remain apart but instead bring life to a character that has the power to touch lives, in such a way that she is totally believable. I only hope I am up to this challenge.

There is always hope, in the darkest moments there is always hope.