A Difficult Time Of Year

This year has sucked…
In some places.
But in others it has really been awesome.
Sometimes it is so easy to focus on the bad. What is it about us that makes us geared that way? Why is when we look back we measure in negatives?
See this year saw me injured, assaulted, stuff up something that ended up costing me money that I could have used elsewhere and lose my father. All of which rated on the crappy scale somewhere.
Then the last week or three has been filled with so much tragedy to so many people, on a personal and national scale.
If that is all I focus on then well, by all means 2014 you can piss off and I'm glad to be done with you.

But…
And the thing about but is that it kind of cancels out what came before it.
But…
I completed my first Spartan, my second Tough Mudder, proved myself in a few extremely tough situations, learnt some awesome skills, made some awesome friends and possibly, yes possibly found myself a publisher. Oh and as much as I miss my father, I know he isn't suffering as much as he was anymore. Then there was the awesome family holiday we had (the first in years) and the weekend hubby and I got to go to Sydney without the kids (first time in 11 years). Oh and all the fun stories I have from my SupaNova experiences.
So really, 2014 wasn't all that terrible.

And yet as Christmas is almost upon us it behooves us to be aware of how both the end of the coming year and the festive season effect others.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of good cheer and a celebration of human spirit. If you are a person of faith it is a time to remember the birth of Christ and the spirit in which he came to us. Regardless of your faith and how you celebrate, regardless of your feelings on the commercial behemoth that Christmas has become, it is a time to embrace friends and family, to look at who you are and examine what really matters.
For some of us, that is no easy thing. Christmas can be a time of sad memories, high stress, isolation and increased depression.
The things we have lost are often foremost in our minds. For those like me, who have lost someone this year it doesn't mean we can't celebrate. Would our loved ones really want us to not enjoy this time of year. We shouldn't feel guilty about the moments of joy we find, like we shouldn't feel guilty if we want or need to take time to grieve.

The thing Christmas has become, is in many ways a far cry from its roots. There is undoubtably great pressure that comes, to get the right present, the most expensive or the biggest number or whatever. It is so easy to forget how much of a crock that really is. Don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for Christmas. I love it, I love gift giving but I am so often incredibly aware of my budget. Do I wish I could give my girls more? Sure. I wish I could give them the world. Do I know that isn't a great idea? Sure again. So I try to find a balance even though I'm not always very good at it.
Our inability to do as society says, to give what they advertise as the hottest thing or whatever, shouldn't add to the pressure in our lives. Even knowing that doesn't change the fact it often does. It doesn't alter the fact that increased financial pressure (because we all know bills don't stop at this time of year) adds to our stress. Inability and the related stress cause a plummet in people's ability to cope, to keep a smile on their faces, there is then an increase in depression.
The other thing about a holiday like this one is that it can really increase our feelings of isolation. Not everyone has a lot of friends. Not everyone has a functional family or even a dysfunctional one that can at least get together to make silly Christmas memories.

In short for a large number of people this time of year is hard. It stinks. I wish it didn't.
I wish it was easier for us to let go of the crap, and not to focus on the bad. I wish things like Sydney and Cairns didn't happen (ever let alone this time of year). I wish I had the inclination to simplify at this time of year and maybe lead by some example, but I can't, or won't. Not this year. Maybe next, and maybe never. I wish I could teach people to let go of the negative, but for each of us that is a personal choice.
As the year draws to a close we also are incredibly aware of just how much we haven't done. The resolutions we didn't keep. The goals we didn't reach. You know what? Life goes on. It can get better. You need to choose to make it better.

Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't let the decisions you made in the heat of the moment or a drunken binge rule your life. You can have a better future, maybe not the one where you get the job that pays you millions, or the lotto win where you don't need to work any more. Maybe the better future is the one where you decide to make the effort to connect with friends more often, or lose two kilos instead of ten or even walk away from that toxic friendship that is bringing you so down.
Happiness at any time of the year doesn't always come from big things. It doesn't come from the presents under the tree, or the cards on the mantle. Happiness is when you know your worth, when you are doing what makes you happy not what makes everyone else happy. I wish I could find the way to make people understand that. I wish people could see that if we work on the smaller things, quite often the bigger ones fall into place.
I wish people understood that happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. Mostly it comes from knowing ourselves, and  accepting ourselves.
I wish, I wish.
I know I can't buy my family the same things friends of ours can afford and you know what, I'm fine with that.
I know I'm not going to get some of the things I would love to get in the next 12 months but I am also fine with that.
I know that others don't understand my drive for fitness and strength, my joy in sparring with my hubby and my geeky nature, and I am fine with that.
I accept myself. I wish others could too, if nothing else it would alleviate some of the stress of this time of year.
Don't let this season get the better of you. Don't give up on the future. Don't lose heart. Remember the highs, the good moments, let go of the bad.
I hope for all of you out there that you find a way to get some moment of positivity and happiness in this festive yet difficult time.

Tough Mudder

So I am doing this.

Yes I know insane right. 20km mud run with 28 or so insane obstacles along the way.
Thing is exercise has become a largish chunk of my life. I work out several times a week (mostly). Running and I still have a love hate thing going on. I feel good after I do it but I can't get really good times or anything and I think it boils down to the fact I just don't have a runners build. I love the other stuff though, the weights, the cross fit kind of stuff and the boxing. I am fitter than I probably have ever been (except perhaps when I was doing gymnastics).
The benefits of exercise are two fold for me, sure I'm fitter and weigh less than I have in ages but the bigger benefit is the mental one. Maybe saying bigger isn't quite right. See when you look better you feel better, so the weight loss and body toning does have it's own two fold benefit, health wise you are better off and it can affect you mentally as well.
The mental one though is for me, exercise is stress relief. It produces those endorphins that give you that happy feeling. I'm pretty sure it somehow balances any bad chemical things out with good ones. I really don't claim to know how it works but the truth is when I work out I am less stressed and the rest of life then has less chance to get on top of me.

Time Out

I took some time out today. Purely spent some time and money on myself. It was a bonus that my family chose to join me. I threw myself into other people's creativity and it was good.
I am tired and not at all sure I feel like going to work tomorrow but I feel good.
Of course it was good that I stuck to my budget. That is always a positive thing.
On the down side, if there is a down side - I started a new collection today - I bought signed prints from illustrators. I now need frames for all my pics and illustrations.
Time out is a very important thing. There are times in our lives we need to just step away from our commitments and allow ourselves to breathe.
This works best of course if you can pick a thing to do and stick to a budget. So much easier said than done. It can be very easy to fall into this leisure zone and stay there. That's when there is trouble because that is when budgets get blown and stress levels increase.
That will not be happening to me at the moment because I stuck to my budget. However a new collection could prove costly. I am ever so thankful that God blessed me with the ability to budget and stick to it.
Thank you God for good financial management and the ability to take some time away for me.

Retrospective

We have somehow come to the end of another year.
I don't know whether it is my age but it seems every year passes faster than the one before.
This year has seen my baby start full time school, my eldest struggle to find her niche and start to not me a little girl any more ('mum barbie, that's for little kids' - a comment about a present from a family friend who forgot she was almost 10). Hubby has gotten a little more work in the music area - which I absolutely won't complain about, I just wish there was a bit more.
And then we have me who has had a major career change. I started the year in retail and finished it in Corrective Services.
I've learnt some stuff about myself this year. I still believe in God, in fact there have been days at work when I have spent a lot of time praying, but church and I have some real issues. I still haven't figured out how to give my children a good grounding in faith without going to church. The christians who have been the ones who support me most are those I never (or almost never) see face to face. They are the ones who understand my struggle, they are the ones who don't judge, they are the ones who encourage me.
I realise my new job has very likely made it more difficult for me to find a church home, I work with some really terrible people and I do my absolute best not to judge them nor do I preach at them. The job is high stress and survivable by most through means of a dark sense of humour. And guess what, I feel as though I fit there.
I am going to try a new church this year, I really want to find one where my girls feel as though they fit. That hasn't happened yet. Sure that may not be the best motivation for looking for a church to belong to but after so many years of not really feeling as though I fit I still have fond memories of my times at church camp and such and I want my girls to have similar opportunities.
Life is full of curveballs. I may not be where I wish I was (I'd really like a house of our own) and I may not be anywhere I expected to be (certainly never thought I'd be in the job I currently am). Thing is I can't help but think I'm where I need to be for whatever reason (and I'm sure I have no clue what that reason might be).
Without question though I know I am blessed. Yeah I know people with loads more money than we have but I look at certain things in their lives and wouldn't change mine for theirs. I have a husband who gets me, he supports me. He is my safe place to be - there aren't a lot of men who would be happy for their wives to work in such a potentially dangerous environment. I have two amazing girls who are my reason for choosing a job that gives me more days with them. I get home after a 12 hour shift and shout out to them and they come running and screaming with joy and throw themselves at me. It is a good feeling to know you are missed and loved so much.
I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back (though with the weight I've lost this year I really need to go buy some that actually fit). And my fitness level is so much better than it has been for years.
This year may seem to have flown by but so much has been crammed into it. Life is good. Chaotic, busy but definitely good.
I hope and pray you have a blessed New Year and can experience some of the joy and peace in life that I have.

So...

A little while ago I felt a prompting to apply for the army reserves, came a little from left field as I have no real desire to serve my country or join what is clearly still a boys club, but I thought why the hell not, it will give me the challenge I am looking for in my life and give me the chance to give a little something back. With all the advertising they are doing at the moment it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get in.
Sure the physical side of things was going to be a push (sprints being the difficultly, I way surpassed the requirement for sit-ups and push ups) and I was nervous about the initial testing because it's been ages since I've sat psychometric testing. Thing was I passed with flying colours, I could apply for anything I wanted with the only exceptions being the stuff you have to be male for. So far so good you would think.
Not so. After testing I get a letter saying I've been rejected on medical grounds. Would you like to know the reason - self harm, because I cut myself over a short period of time 17 years ago I was immediately discounted as a candidate. You better believe that this bothered me on several grounds so I immediately appealed.
My arguments being that it occurred briefly a very long time ago, I was never officially diagnosed with anything, I haven't had a problem with this in over 15 years and in the meantime I've been able to offer up my shoulder to those with similar problems to what I had.
This isn't enough though, my rejection letter to my appeal stated; 'The stresses of service in the Defence force are considerable and often greater than faced in normal civilian life. Experience has taught the ADF that anyone with a history of depressive illness or adjustment disorder associated with self harm, such as yours, has a high likelihood of recurrence during military service, often as early as initial training.'
So in other words my life is stress free and if I start basic training I will probably fall apart and even want to cut myself again.
Wow!
They obviously have no idea how difficult it can be to be part of a low income family, and are unfamiliar with the concept of changing your life. Other things I would like to point out at his stage are; 17 years is as long as some of their recruits have been alive (I don't even get a second chance because of that!) and I know how to iron clothes (check out some of the new recruit videos where they say they have to teach some of them how to iron because they don't know how).
As far as I was concerned the whole process had big flaws in it. Firstly they wouldn't accept my uni transcripts because, well I had to prove I finished year nine and uni transcripts didn't do that. In life a degree always trumps a lower high school graduation certificate. Good grief at my interview the interviewer looked at the jobs I was interested in and said I couldn't do PR because I would need a degree in journalism or something (I promptly handed my degree over before saying lets just concentrate on the reserves not full time at the moment).
The other big problem I have with the process is that in all the questions self harm is lumped in with suicide attempts, now I don't know what psychs they have on the pay roll but not everyone who self harms wants to die. The first nurse I spoke to said it shouldn't be a problem because it was so mild and so long ago, the second one (after the first rejection letter) said self harm is an automatic rejection and I shouldn't have been told that however a letter from my Dr saying they hadn't treated me for depression or self harm, as well as a letter outlining what/when/how I've overcome should be enough to see the decision overturned. At most they both informed me I may need to discuss the matter with an army psych. Well guess what...never happened. I got the second rejection letter with no one even contacting me. They simply decided that something I did nearly half a lifetime ago meant I was unstable and unable to cope with something I determined would be a good thing to do with my life.
In other words the 17 year old who had both mummy and daddy take him to his first session is a better candidate that I am. (Though to be perfectly clear I don't know if he did get in).
They did say I could appeal the decision if I wanted but that would require me paying a shrink to dissect my past and give me a letter saying they believe I can cope, then I have to be interviewed by the army and jump through a bunch of hoops, and even then there is no guarantee that I would be accepted because that would then rely upon how competitive I was for the position I applied for and how many other candidates they had. Good grief! This coming on the back of my initial testing that gave me the all clear to apply for army intelligence officer if I wanted to (which one of the other candidates had informed me meant testing in the top 5% or so), and with me having researched the job I applied for and knowing they needed 13 positions filled and only had 7 candidates in the current pool.
Bottom line is I could have coped, if I was as fragile as they seemed to think surely a form letter saying they understand I will 'be greatly disappointed' with their decision, would do significant damage. Still it's simply another step in life for me and I think it's their loss. There are plenty of other bricks to kick over and ways to achieve goals like challenging yourself. In the mean time my fitness is better than it has ever been and my body is so much better to look at (I'm even starting to see abdominal definition). Something will come along.

Life is a State of Flux

Just when you figure you are going along just fine something comes along and sideswipes you. There have been a couple of things in the last few weeks that have ratcheted up the stress levels. I'm not really sure I can talk about them just yet, not because they are too raw but because some things are a little time sensitive.

Blogging is a good way to think through things, vent at stupid things and even help others through your own experiences. It also means all you post is out there for anyone to look at, including potential employers. Anyone can cyber stalk you and if you say something in the heat of the moment on line sometimes it can come back and bite you on the butt. The truth is it can do that in real life as well but because it is so much more private we often forget about that. The internet can make even the smallest stuff up a much bigger one.

Do I regret the thing that happened this week? No not really. It has made things in my life a little uncertain for the moment but in the long run, I can already see that it was a good thing. Also in the process it has given me the opportunity to remind myself of a few things. So while a life in a state of flux may cause a little stress, it can also be a great opportunity to re-evaluate and I've come to the conclusion I still like myself, the alternative is to not be me and become boxed into the role others would have me fill.

I've never been very good at fitting into boxes.

Dear God

Dear God,
I am angry. I am frustrated. It seems every time I head out for a run I talk to you and reaffirm my faith and the hope that my life is safely in your hands. And somehow every other day when I run I find myself running through the same or similar conversations.
I am tired. I try not to struggle. I try to believe that it is all in your hands and you know what you are doing even when I don't. Just when I think something is going to break my way, the door is slammed shut in my face.
I think I have done the right thing and someone feels the need to criticise and pull me down.
I try to accept that certain things are not for me, a house of my own being one of them at the moment. I tell myself that there are many, many people who have it worse than me. That really I have it pretty good.
But I just don't feel like a success. I feel I have achieved so little. I have been sure several times in my life that I am stepping out into Your will and that doing so would come with not yet another crash. And here I am picking myself up once again.
There are times I wish I could give up but I just don't seem to be able to do that. It is somehow not in my make-up.
I've got to say though I wish this last week hadn't come with the need to tell myself to 'toughen up princess it's not the end of the world'. To swallow past my disappointment. To find a way around the anger of the real estate agent giving me a bad report based on a few insects stuck in the stained glass sky lights, a couple of broken globes (due to them not repairing the electrics properly) and a few cobwebs that escaped my broom.
Why did you give me a creative spirit if so many things around me are intent on shutting it down? Why am I compelled to create when in the end it doesn't pay my bills, and brings criticism from those who say I should do something more productive with my time?
God if you could answer some of these questions/concerns clearly it would be appreciated, and if you could just let me in on the key to my success then that would be awesome too. I don't mind doing the work, I think I've proven that, but if the shit could stop some time soon that would be good.
Amen

End of an Era - Trying of Patience

These last few weeks have been fairly terrible at work. I probably shouldn't have agreed to stick it out to the end. I'm not the sort of person who tolerates stupidity easily and for the record things like "can you tell me how much this is?" followed by them wanting me to work our what 20% off $20 is, is something I consider stupid. And there has been a lot of stupid over the last how ever many weeks the store was closing. (FYI we shut the doors on friday just gone). I also consider "is everything on sale?" a stupid question when there are signs everywhere saying 'everything is on sale'.

Also I happen to think it's rude to expect me to tell you what I will be doing when the store closes, especially when I've never seen you before. I have little patience for small talk with strangers at the best of times. I wonder how it became polite to ask complete strangers 'How are you doing today?' when you really couldn't give a toss. All you really want is to hear the words 'good and you?'. Then they get annoyed when I don't answer them.

Just when I think I may be doing better with my patience issues, something like this comes along and reminds me that I really can be a very prickly, short tempered person. Oh well I suppose it is always good to remind ourselves that we aren't perfect. Bring on working at an actual bookstore.

Ends and Beginnings

This has been a tough week.

It's no secret that I struggle with church, but we have started going fairly regularly, the girls finally have found a place they feel comfortable and I enjoy a place that teaches things I haven't heard seventeen times before. So I find it a little annoying or frustrating that an opportunity for hubby has gone south (though there was peace that came with that decision along with the frustration that we don't know when or if another door with that potential will open again). On top of that, my work finally announced this week that it is over, it's doors will be closing. Not unexpected but sad none the less.

With sadness comes uncertainty. They haven't told us when we will be closing, they've announced in a press release the definite final day but if we sell through our stock before then, then we close earlier. We have been told very little. I'm hoping on a proper redundancy but that doesn't seem very likely.

In all this uncertainty I've been trying to be positive and view it as an opportunity. To hold on to God, even push in closer. It would be nice to have more time at home to write, but I'm really going to miss my books. I found a job I was really good at and now it's no longer there. I have to trust. I've been repeating like some sort of mantra, 'I trust you with my family God'. At the moment it's all I really have the strength to do.

I know this is an opportunity but that doesn't mean I can't be sad for what I'm losing.

Hoping things will be more positive next week.

Week From Hell

To be honest this has been one hell of a week. The YA novel I'm working on deals with some painful issues such as self harm and so I'm in a rough head space so it's not a good time for things at work to be going all to hell.

Now I knew we would be getting toys, didn't like the idea but head office do so I knew there was nothing I could do about that. What I didn't realise at the the time was that my book lines would be getting cut in half. I'm a book person, I've made no secret about that but when I have to keep shrinking my book shelves and replacing entire bays with toys I can't help but see the end.

It all came to a head this week when I was left rather an abrupt note outlining what I needed to do, don't put toys in characters sections, don't have clocks in three places (though as yet we don't have a clock section) and so on. Actually I had two notes the first had such insulting things on it like if new toys come in fill up the gaps in the toy bay. Sadly I have to admit that the second note and instructions to put some toys on clip strips running down the walls pushed me over the edge, I went out the back and cried.

Seriously I cried. Now my personal choice would have been to scream, rant, swear and hit things, but Andy isn't there any more so those choices are no longer really an option. I was a bit disappointed with myself for crying over work, seriously what grown woman should be doing that? Admittedly one with a history of anger management problems and self-harm issues, but still.

Here's the thing though, and it wasn't till I'd ripped a few colleagues heads off that it came to me. I put my heart into building up that section and now they were pulling the heart out of it. I just need to keep reminding myself that what I have is simply a retail job and it pays my bills. Somehow I have to figure out how to not care about my work.

Stress

It's been busy and to be honest quiet stressful recently. Work issues, money issues, dream issues. You know how it goes, sometimes you just want things to go the way you want and then life happens. The other night though I found my destressor, rehearsals started. It's amazing for some the thought of getting up on a stage would be stress inducing but for me it has the opposite effect, quite simply performing and rehearsing is a cathartic process. I love it and I'm so glad to be doing it again. Now all I need to figure out is how to fit in my other passion - writing. you'll know when I manage that because I'll be updating this far more often.

To all of you out there I hope you are able to find something to help you de-stress.