Reflections

It seems that more and more people are publicly reflecting on their year, that's what being on line does I suppose. So many are saying what a terrible year they had in 2013 and how they hope 2014 will be great.

How about we don't just hope. How about we make necessary changes and make 2014 better. Let's not rely on external factors to dictate our year.
Like most people I had a mixed year. Sad moments when goodbyes were said; great moments like completing Tough Mudder; frustrating ones like when the house loan fell through; peaceful moments; joyous ones; annoying ones; amusing ones and yes even enlightening ones. I choose though not to focus on the negative.
See it is so easy to do just that.
We find no difficulty in looking back over an arbitrary time like 12 months and seeing only the dross. We see the bigger things but ignore the smaller ones. Look closer at those though for I'm pretty sure it is those smaller things that got you through. It is the things that you can easily take for granted; friends, family, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and food in your mouth, that we often ignore.

My family get me through every day of a job that I strangely like but many wouldn't want to have to do. I come home to them and the crap of the day doesn't matter. My family stand by my side and accept all my silliness, all my strangeness, all the unusual tendencies that go along with being a creative person. My friends encourage me, they support me, they push me and accept me. Without friends I would never have done something as ridiculous as the 20 obstacle race known as Tough Mudder, I wouldn't already be signed up for 2014 or for a different one as well.
I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, so I am fortunate to enjoy my job, mostly but it doesn't make me rich. What it does do though is feed and clothe my family, it also means I can buy them certain luxuries, things like movies, games, holidays. I still don't have my own house yet and sure that sometimes bugs me but there is no point stressing over that when there is so much else that is good in my life.
I would say to you as you reflect on the past with your eyes turned to the future, don't forget to see the little things. Did your kids come home safe from school having learnt something? That is a good thing. Did little Miss 6 start acting a certain way that no matter how much you know you shouldn't laugh you can't help yourself? That's a good thing. Did master 5 loose a tooth and get all excited that the Tooth Fairy swapped it out for money? That is a good thing. Did things not go according to plan? Open your eyes a little and allow for some time, then look at it again and maybe you will find that really it was a good thing.
And no not everything is good, some things really are crap, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to be crap. The year my mother died, I gained a daughter and a nephew. I've lost jobs before and been kicked out of houses, neither of which were pleasant experiences but they didn't make the rest of my life crap. I've lost friends and had my heart broken, I've been so confused and depressed that I cut myself. I've been rejected, teased, bullied and these things all hurt but I still had people around who loved me, I still had hope and potential.

Am I where I wish I was? No not really. Am I okay with that? Definitely. I am still on my life journey, there is still a long way to go. I have goals sure but no resolutions. I will make choices on a daily basis and that will dictate how my year goes regardless of what crap life may choose to throw at me. They say don't sweat the small stuff (and it's all small stuff) but maybe we should sometimes remember to look at that small stuff and realise just how fortunate we might be.

Right now though as the clock ticks over to the new year I am sitting at my computer, with a glass of wine, some chocolate, doing one of the things I love - writing. That for me is not a bad thing.
Here is to an awesome year to come filled to the brim with things that make you happy, choose to be happy.

Time Out

I took some time out today. Purely spent some time and money on myself. It was a bonus that my family chose to join me. I threw myself into other people's creativity and it was good.
I am tired and not at all sure I feel like going to work tomorrow but I feel good.
Of course it was good that I stuck to my budget. That is always a positive thing.
On the down side, if there is a down side - I started a new collection today - I bought signed prints from illustrators. I now need frames for all my pics and illustrations.
Time out is a very important thing. There are times in our lives we need to just step away from our commitments and allow ourselves to breathe.
This works best of course if you can pick a thing to do and stick to a budget. So much easier said than done. It can be very easy to fall into this leisure zone and stay there. That's when there is trouble because that is when budgets get blown and stress levels increase.
That will not be happening to me at the moment because I stuck to my budget. However a new collection could prove costly. I am ever so thankful that God blessed me with the ability to budget and stick to it.
Thank you God for good financial management and the ability to take some time away for me.

15 Years and Some

I've been married to the best man ever for a little more than 15 years now. Like every marriage (I guess) we have high points and low points. Today now my man has gotten on a plane to go to his half brother's funeral. Funerals are difficult times but that isn't what I wanted to talk about right now.
I actually want to get a bit pukey. Hubby hasn't even been gone for 3 hours yet and I miss him. Silly right?
Thing is though this is the longest we will be apart since our youngest was born 5 and a half years ago. I work 12 hour shifts which is longer than he has been gone, I can work 36 hours in 3 days and yet there is something to be said for the knowledge of going home to my man. I can work madly but know things will be fine because my man is home. I can do so many things, I get involved in theatre shows, I go shopping, I even occasionally do girly things like getting my hair done. Hubby gigs, spends time in music stores, and does stuff with his mates. So it's not even remotely like we have to do everything together.
Yet for 4 days we will be in different cities, and somehow I feel a little lost.
Sure I know he will be back and I know I will get through these four days but the heart feels what it feels and I miss him. Be safe baby and come home soon.
You know what else? I really, really know just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man who understands me in all my craziness and silliness and well just plain weirdness. Sure it may be silly to miss him but I don't care, that's just how much I love him.

Retrospective

We have somehow come to the end of another year.
I don't know whether it is my age but it seems every year passes faster than the one before.
This year has seen my baby start full time school, my eldest struggle to find her niche and start to not me a little girl any more ('mum barbie, that's for little kids' - a comment about a present from a family friend who forgot she was almost 10). Hubby has gotten a little more work in the music area - which I absolutely won't complain about, I just wish there was a bit more.
And then we have me who has had a major career change. I started the year in retail and finished it in Corrective Services.
I've learnt some stuff about myself this year. I still believe in God, in fact there have been days at work when I have spent a lot of time praying, but church and I have some real issues. I still haven't figured out how to give my children a good grounding in faith without going to church. The christians who have been the ones who support me most are those I never (or almost never) see face to face. They are the ones who understand my struggle, they are the ones who don't judge, they are the ones who encourage me.
I realise my new job has very likely made it more difficult for me to find a church home, I work with some really terrible people and I do my absolute best not to judge them nor do I preach at them. The job is high stress and survivable by most through means of a dark sense of humour. And guess what, I feel as though I fit there.
I am going to try a new church this year, I really want to find one where my girls feel as though they fit. That hasn't happened yet. Sure that may not be the best motivation for looking for a church to belong to but after so many years of not really feeling as though I fit I still have fond memories of my times at church camp and such and I want my girls to have similar opportunities.
Life is full of curveballs. I may not be where I wish I was (I'd really like a house of our own) and I may not be anywhere I expected to be (certainly never thought I'd be in the job I currently am). Thing is I can't help but think I'm where I need to be for whatever reason (and I'm sure I have no clue what that reason might be).
Without question though I know I am blessed. Yeah I know people with loads more money than we have but I look at certain things in their lives and wouldn't change mine for theirs. I have a husband who gets me, he supports me. He is my safe place to be - there aren't a lot of men who would be happy for their wives to work in such a potentially dangerous environment. I have two amazing girls who are my reason for choosing a job that gives me more days with them. I get home after a 12 hour shift and shout out to them and they come running and screaming with joy and throw themselves at me. It is a good feeling to know you are missed and loved so much.
I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back (though with the weight I've lost this year I really need to go buy some that actually fit). And my fitness level is so much better than it has been for years.
This year may seem to have flown by but so much has been crammed into it. Life is good. Chaotic, busy but definitely good.
I hope and pray you have a blessed New Year and can experience some of the joy and peace in life that I have.

Family

Today it seems prudent to remember my family.
My family are everything to me. My children and husband are the main reason I took this new job. I wanted extra time with them, I wanted to be able to look after them better. Yeah I know there are people out there who would say providing is not the woman's job but when your man works from home and is the stay at home dad, then I say shove your preconceived ideas...well you know what I mean.
I feel for those who have had loved ones taken in this most recent of shooting sprees. I can't help but think of all the possibility that has been wiped out.
It is a good day to take your loved ones in your arms and hold them tight. Mine are very sick today so I have cleaned up buckets of vomit and had to really control my own gag reflex in the process but that is part of having children and I will clean up as much vomit as I have to if it means my children are still here for me to hold.
Cherish your family.
Remember your loved ones, the ones who have gone before us and honour their memories. Hug them, hold them and tell them you love them every chance you get.
Family are worth it.
I am so thankful that I could hold my girls in between vomit sessions today.

Friendship

Friends are really important. I don't have that many of them and that doesn't bother me because the ones I have are great.
I'm thinking on this at the moment because I wrote a poem for a friend this week. It is the first poem I have written in a very long time. This friend is only someone new in my life, she was going to be someone I was going to work with and I was really looking forward to it. This new career path is one where you form close friendships, you have to because it's not the sort of job you can share much of with others. Anyway the point is she has just been diagnosed with that terrible bitch of an illness cancer in this case stomach cancer. I know this one is one of the more nasty ones but still I had hoped they caught it early enough. She had surgery last week and goes in for chemo this week. the diagnosis obviously was worse than we hoped. Now though in respect to her wishes we are trying to give her the space she needs but I couldn't help myself. I sat in class unable to focus on anything much, so I did what comes naturally to me. I picked up my pen and I wrote.
Emotions effect us all differently and I know I am a very emotional person. It seems so unfair that this friend could be taken from me so soon and I feel so much for her family, partner and friends. It makes sense to me though that they have requested not to be contacted, I get how frustrating it can be dealing with the 'how are you today?' questions. I hope and pray I get more time with her she is a woman of value, she helped many of us in the course while she was with us and we miss her very much. Friendship is a funny thing. Some people seem to have many friends and I have at times in my life bemoaned my lack of socialising, however I am incredibly grateful for the friends I have. there are times we need to remember it's all about the quality not the quantity and the friends I have are quality ones.
For all the fear of this disease and possible loss of a friendship that never really had the chance to develop I wouldn't change the fact that I have gotten to know her a little, I can only hope and pray I get to know her for a bit longer.
Value those people in your life who know you for who you are and love you anyway, friends chose to be in your life and they are worth their weight in gold, or something else of more value than gold.

And Again

I just don't know how time gets away from me.
This year has just blasted by. So much to do, so many changes.
I finish in retail this week and believe me this is something I am totally ready for and absolutely looking forward to. My new job will be a challenge and a career change. This is a good thing.
How do I know this? I just do.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance.
Is this where I thought I would be at this stage of my life? Hell no. I truly believed God had called me to do certain things but if He had/has they haven't happened yet. Am I devastated by this? Not even a little bit. I have attacked some of those things to the best of my ability and you know from a slightly different perspective you could say they have come about, just not the way I expected. That's the thing though, what God means and how we interpret it can sometimes be two vastly different things.
A better question, rather than focusing on where a younger me hoped I would be, is am I happy?
Yes. Without a doubt that answer is yes.
I am blessed with a man who knows me, dare I say understands me, and somehow still loves me. He is my strength and support. When I am down he drags me up and lets me fall apart if I need to.
I have two children who I love even when they bug me to distraction, they make me proud and swamp me with love.
I have done many things, I have experienced life, I get to write. I have even had a job that at one time was one of my dream jobs.
It's all a matter of perspective really. Sure others would look at my life and wonder at the struggles but me I see the strengths and blessings that have come through that. I wouldn't swap what I have for success as the world sees it financially because without my family I couldn't possibly be this happy and to change any one of the things in my life could change what I have and that wouldn't be worth it. It really wouldn't.

Thank You

So I totally didn't realise that it had been so long since I had written in this blog. I'm still struggling with work, waiting to hear back from the job I applied for (sadly government jobs are popular and the process takes quite a while). I am also still struggling to figure out my faith.
The funny thing is I can go to a sic-fi/fantasy convention and feel right at home (what I wouldn't give to go to San Diego Comic-con- it's totally on my bucket list) yet I walk into church and want to turn right around again. It is so much easier to just sleep in on a sunday morning than get myself ready to go to church. In fact it was easier to get my butt out of bed on a sunday morning to go stand on my feet for 10 hours at previously mentioned convention than to go to church.
The thing is I want my girls to know God, to be given the opportunity to learn about faith.
I just find myself still questioning. I say again, because I already know I've said it before, that it would be easier if I didn't know so much, if I didn't want to question things, if I was willing to accept the boundaries put in front of me. Thing is I've kind of always pushed those boundaries.
I've heard all the arguments about needing to be in a church for your faith to be 'real' and to an extent I agree or at least understand it. My faith was stronger when I was hooked in to a church family but it's been a long time since I had that family feel in a church environment. By family I mean people who understood our wacky lives and sense of humour.
All is not lost though because I have the internet. Now some may think that sentence doesn't really makes sense, so let me explain. Through the wonderful digital world I am able to connect with the amazing Karin from Flickers of A Faithful FireFly and Andrew from Backyard Missionary. These people deserve a shout out for simply accepting my struggling questioning nature and supporting me through it. They come from different parts of the world and have known me in different ways, (one purely digitally) and yet they provide the chain that keeps me connected to that spiritual part of me. This I think is just as valuable as connecting in a building once or twice a week, in fact for someone like me it is even more valuable.
I hope that those of you who are struggling, confused or questioning, have someone like these people in your lives.

Thankfulness and Hard Times

This week has been intense for me for various reasons. In fact the last few weeks have been tough. Rejection (a constant in two areas I'm passionately pursuing) has been there, as well as struggling with the play I was rehearsing (we opened last night), and the looming surgery for my baby, as well as a bunch of junk going on with work.

The biggest thing without question has been the surgery. My daughter has been waiting for it for 18 months - they messed up at the hospital which set us back twelve months. Sure the surgery is pretty standard but there is always a risk with any surgery. It was hard walking out of the surgery once she had been put under but that was nothing compared to seeing her post-op with blood around her mouth and ear. She looked so tiny, so fragile. I was hopeful but still in the back of my mind I was worried, I guess most if not all parents would be. Any way she seemed to cope well and she definitely had more sleep that night than I did, I have no idea how anyone sleeps in a hospital.

Fortunately the next morning the Dr took one look at her overnight obs and said she could go straight home when she was ready. Awesome news and a great start to her recovery. She is doing so well that apart from a bit extra tiredness you would never know she had had an operation a few days ago.

So with her recovery looking alright and me sitting in a semi-dark hospital room watching tv on my computer something came and reminded me how fortunate I was and how thankful I was to God for how Miss 3 came through her op. A little girl was bought into the ward. She was tiny and her mother almost hysterical. Probably past it only due to exhaustion. She didn't even look 2 and had had to have her appendix out in an emergency op. The mother had previously been told not to worry because her daughter would be fine, it couldn't possibly be her appendix because she was too young. Of course that was a misdiagnosis and I'm sure if I had been in her shoes I probably would have been at least that stressed if not more so. In that moment I just had to pray in thankfulness that we had finally had our surgery, that it didn't get to the point of emergency and that even in those moments when delay and even the initial diagnosis had me wondering if God was even looking out for my girls, he obviously was. It also reminded me that there are people who always have it harder and they need our prayers even more than we need to pray for ourselves.

See God sees a picture I don't and sometimes it is very hard to remember that. When everything seems to be coming apart at the seams I try to hold on and pray and believe. Even then it feels pointless sometimes, that I'm barely holding on by my fingertips. Now though seeing things from the other side of the op, I feel more relaxed and thankful and somehow in amongst everything else I found my character and when I got on stage last night I nailed it. This reminds me that sometimes prayer feels a little ineffective, a bit like going through the motions but even in those times God knows our hearts and He hears, He just answers in His own way and on a very few occasions we are lucky enough to see the why later.

Thankful and Still Going Strong

This has been a busy week for me, and some how one I managed to enjoy even when I was at work. See work and I have a love/hate relationship. I love books but sometimes I'm not so good with people.

I have been working at my current job for nearly 11 months now and I'm finally taking a break. Two weeks holiday it's going to be great. We are taking the girls to Bali for a week and then I will be home for a week. I am looking forward to it so very much.

I'm trying to work on my frustrations, for me it's a constant task, related in many ways to my impatience with circumstances and yes people. I have set myself some goals and I have to believe that these things that consume me, my passions will pay off one day.

My family are awesome, I wouldn't have it any other way. I look at the young guys I work with and don't at all miss the dating and club scene. Sure it would be nice to be able to make spontaneous decisions like going out with my hubby but it's a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things. Besides at least when I'm stuck at home I can get my butt into gear and get some work done. (Except when I don't)

Sure I still daydream about being in the movies or at least one movie, and it's not a dead dream because I'm not dead yet. I will get there one day, especially if passion and perseverance have anything to do with it.

You may knock me down but the only one who can stop me getting up and trying again is myself.

Thank you to those who have blessed me with kind words. Thank you to my family who put up with all my eccentricities and moods. Thank you God for allowing me to create. And thank you that I have the ability to get back up again after being slapped down.

Some times I think we need to step back and evaluate ourselves, some times we need to take a moment to look closely at ourselves and say, 'you know what I believe in me.'

Do yourself a favour, you allowed me to indulge and I suggest you now do the same. Today is a good day to be thankful and it is a good day to believe in yourself.

You can do it.

Thank You

I don’t experience depression like I used to. I used to spend many hours feeling bleak, down, stuck in the boggy quicksand trying to see where in my life there was value. If I were to let you go over my poetry from that period you would see some of it was incredibly…well depressing.

Now it’s kind of a different beast. It’s not as all encompassing, dragging me down for days at a time and I no longer try to hurt myself in an effort to relieve it. Though admittedly there are days I really wasn’t to hit something. I also know my life has value, I have an awesome family so how could I think otherwise.

So what is my problem you may wonder? Mostly I guess in one way or another you could classify it as self-doubt. I know what makes me happy. I know where my dreams and passions pull me, but I’m not even close to fruition and so I wonder. I doubt. I question. Why can’t I give up? Why do I think I can do these things? Am I a good enough writer? Can I actually act? And around the questions and doubts circle.

I sometimes watch something and wish I could be doing that. Other times I see someone on a screen and think their acting is terrible yet they get paid to do what I love so does that mean my acting is worse? Self-doubt, self pity, depression.

Fortunately it doesn’t often last very long because I know I can’t really give either of them up. I know, I’ve tried. Also I hold desperately onto the words of those who owe me nothing – the director who’s worked in the West End who said I have the ability; the theatre manager who said the show I wrote was good; the writing mentor who rang me up to tell me to keep writing because the only reason I didn’t get the mentorship was because there was someone who wrote in his genre and he felt he was better equipped to help them.

And all the people who have told me that my words have touched them.

Friends and family certainly help but I extend a gracious thankyou to those who have encouraged me without being invested in my mindset.

Some Days

Some days it just pays to stand back and appreciate what you have. Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the crap on the surface. You know : the bills that need to be paid; the person who sat on you on the train for most of the journey, without apologising; the fact the kids are yelling and you just want five minutes peace and quiet.

Take a look around now with a different pair of glasses on. Bills mean you have a roof over your head, food on the table and hot water to wash in. The train journey is the best form of transport to and from a job you love, and besides it gives you the chance to listen to your music not Hi-5 and some time to write. Yelling kids is just loud play, play is healthy and it means they don’t mind spending time with each other.

Some days it just pays because it’s the small things that put that smile on your face.

Blood Diamond

I watched Blood Diamond the other day. It’s a film that’s been in my collection for a while and somehow the time never seemed quite right to sit down and watch it. I needed to be in the right head space to do so, for me it was one of those films.

Anyway, I cried, no big there, it was better than even money that I would have. I hadn’t counted on my total emotional breakdown after the movie finished. I’m loading the dishwasher doing the stuff you do before going to bed when it hit me.

Throughout the movie I was struck by the cruelty, how could you not be? But I stood there at my dishwasher and cried at the arrogance, cruelty and greed of the human race. No other creature is as cruel as we are. And I feel so helpless.

I am aware that these things happen, nothing in the movie was particularly surprising to me; genocide, child soldiers, getting children addicted. And I feel helpless to change it.

I wish it was possible to wave a wand or something and change it. But it’s not.

I give to certain causes I feel strongly about and logically I know there is only so much one person can do. Then in all this I remember that humanity also has a great measure of compassion. I’d like to take a moment to remember and thank those who step into the breach and help where I can’t.

Another Chance

In the middle of writing, yes I’m working on another novel - I know I’ll get published one day, anyway I got to thinking about people we know who seem to get all the breaks. These guys treat people like crap, run businesses on the iffy side of ethical, throw away opportunity after opportunity and they always seem to land on their feet. They get great deals, people throw money at them, and other great opportunities come their way… And I get frustrated and if I’m honest totally annoyed.

It’s like these people can’t do any wrong. I doesn’t matter whom they trample on in the process it still falls their way.

On the other hand my hubby and I try everything creatively, we even tried giving up and living a ‘normal’ life only to discover that for us that worked ever less then when we work our butts off creatively.

So in a moment of honesty with God, let’s face it there’s not really any point in lying to Him anyway, I was having a ‘hands-thrown-in-the-air-what’s-going-on-what-do-we-need-to-do’ moan, when I had an epiphany. (I love that word).

Is not God the God of another chance? Who am I then, to say when those chances should run out? I want God’s best for me, and if I step back and let go of my selfishness and frustration I see squandered possibilities. I honestly feel a little sad that God’s best for them is being missed. Truthfully I don’t know God’s mind and heart for these people except that he loves them. I can’t say I know what His best for them is or was, I just see the missed possibilities and I wonder… I see someone perhaps deluding themselves that the mask they show people is the truth; I see someone running themselves ragged in the pursuit of the mighty dollar; I see someone else using others as a crutch and excuse. I feel sad at the missed possibilities.

Then I turn my eye to myself. I’m not where I hoped to be by now, but to become a master craftsman takes many, many years and as a creative person I know I am still a journeyman. In fact my creative journey will hopefully take me beyond forever. I don’t yet have money, a house of my own or even the financial or critical success in my chosen fields but I still have a love of my art and the passion to continue pursuing it. I have the ability to feed my family on a shoestring budget (thank you God, thank you Mum). I have a hubby who knows, loves, supports and understands me and we have a rock solid relationship that’s built on honesty and trust. We have two beautiful girls who are the delight of our lives even when they won’t let us lock ourselves in our respective offices and work – irrespective of the muse.

You know what I’m pretty blessed. I also know I probably missed some chances God had for me and so I’m grateful God doesn’t stop at chance number 37 just because…

Thankful

I’ve been thinking of doing this for a few days now, and somehow things keep coming up, so now I’ve put everything else aside and I’m doing ten things that I am thankful for.
I think this kind of thing is good for the soul; it helps us evaluate and even recalibrate our attitude to our lives.

I am thankful for…

1. An active mind and body and I am capable of exercising both (though I probably do body less)

2. A husband whom I love and who loves and understands me, even though we frustrate each other at times

3. A five year old who is amazing, who learns, loves, teaches me (apparently thunder is God dancing) and is an awesome helper and big sister

4. A toddler who is a wonder and a joy (most of the time – we are starting tantrum season)

5. The knowledge, that even in the darkness of the valley, God is near, encouraging me on. I may not know the way but He does

6. The gifts God has bestowed on me, although they can prove frustrating at times

7. Friends both near and far who inspire, encourage, strengthen me, make me think and make me smile

8. The fact that in this economic climate we still have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on the table

9. Dreams of the future that I cling to even when it seems silly – for they give hope and without hope…?

10. Diane, this is a special thanks to you who gave me my fist blog award, you do all those things in No. seven, thanks for your friendship