Friends are really important. I don't have that many of them and that doesn't bother me because the ones I have are great.
I'm thinking on this at the moment because I wrote a poem for a friend this week. It is the first poem I have written in a very long time. This friend is only someone new in my life, she was going to be someone I was going to work with and I was really looking forward to it. This new career path is one where you form close friendships, you have to because it's not the sort of job you can share much of with others. Anyway the point is she has just been diagnosed with that terrible bitch of an illness cancer in this case stomach cancer. I know this one is one of the more nasty ones but still I had hoped they caught it early enough. She had surgery last week and goes in for chemo this week. the diagnosis obviously was worse than we hoped. Now though in respect to her wishes we are trying to give her the space she needs but I couldn't help myself. I sat in class unable to focus on anything much, so I did what comes naturally to me. I picked up my pen and I wrote.
Emotions effect us all differently and I know I am a very emotional person. It seems so unfair that this friend could be taken from me so soon and I feel so much for her family, partner and friends. It makes sense to me though that they have requested not to be contacted, I get how frustrating it can be dealing with the 'how are you today?' questions. I hope and pray I get more time with her she is a woman of value, she helped many of us in the course while she was with us and we miss her very much. Friendship is a funny thing. Some people seem to have many friends and I have at times in my life bemoaned my lack of socialising, however I am incredibly grateful for the friends I have. there are times we need to remember it's all about the quality not the quantity and the friends I have are quality ones.
For all the fear of this disease and possible loss of a friendship that never really had the chance to develop I wouldn't change the fact that I have gotten to know her a little, I can only hope and pray I get to know her for a bit longer.
Value those people in your life who know you for who you are and love you anyway, friends chose to be in your life and they are worth their weight in gold, or something else of more value than gold.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Tired but Trained
I am tired and yet I'm still going out tonight.
I have spent the last 2 weeks in training facilities learning new skills for my new job and it has been exhausting. Tired, sore, bruised, battered and a little weary but overall it has been fun.
It strikes me that so often we allow ourselves to sit in our niche, our comfort zone. Is that really living though? There have been several times over the last couple of weeks, in fact over the last two months since I started on my new career path, where I've doubted myself.
We all experience doubt, it's natural, especially when you push yourself into trying or learning new things. The thing is not to let that doubt stop you. At the times you question your ability, or doubt yourself sometimes the only thing you can really do is get up the next morning and get yourself to where you have to be and try.
You will probably surprise yourself if you at least persevere.
Don't let doubt beat you. Stretch yourself. Have a little faith in yourself.
I have spent the last 2 weeks in training facilities learning new skills for my new job and it has been exhausting. Tired, sore, bruised, battered and a little weary but overall it has been fun.
It strikes me that so often we allow ourselves to sit in our niche, our comfort zone. Is that really living though? There have been several times over the last couple of weeks, in fact over the last two months since I started on my new career path, where I've doubted myself.
We all experience doubt, it's natural, especially when you push yourself into trying or learning new things. The thing is not to let that doubt stop you. At the times you question your ability, or doubt yourself sometimes the only thing you can really do is get up the next morning and get yourself to where you have to be and try.
You will probably surprise yourself if you at least persevere.
Don't let doubt beat you. Stretch yourself. Have a little faith in yourself.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Learning
It appears that I have actually started learning something.
I'm not talking about the stuff I need to learn as part of my course, I'm talking about one of those skills that sometimes in the past has evaded me.
There have been times in my life when that switch between thinking and saying has been on the wrong setting. Times I've said things I probably shouldn't have. Oh they haven't been terrible things but rather things like 'oh so if you're happy with your 10 year old reading books with sex in them...' to a father, who was totally shocked. Things like that are maybe not prudent to say but still fun. No question about it, sometimes it's fun to say things you know you shouldn't.
The thing is throughout this course I have managed to not say things several times. It's like in some ways I'm also not as impatient with things. This could be because things are still so very new, but maybe, just maybe I can grab hold of this little thing I appear to be cultivating and continue to keep it as a skill in my life.
The course has good moments and bad ones. The bad ones are really the boring ones. There are just some parts of the course that are sleep inducing. And to be honest I wasn't happy with the unit that told me to eat healthy, exercise and go to the dr for regular check-ups, no offence sir but I'm nearly 40 and nowhere near the oldest person in our class and you are treating us like we are kids again.
Such is life though. I got through it, it's not something I'm going to have to think about again and I can move on. There have also been some really interesting sessions and I'm glad I've gotten to sit through those.
There is a satisfaction you get when you achieve something new. This is a feeling I like. I like to learn and I like to accomplish. Don't we all.
Actually I suppose there are people who don't but they don't know what they are missing out on. Learn something new. Stretch yourself, it is a good feeling.
I'm not talking about the stuff I need to learn as part of my course, I'm talking about one of those skills that sometimes in the past has evaded me.
There have been times in my life when that switch between thinking and saying has been on the wrong setting. Times I've said things I probably shouldn't have. Oh they haven't been terrible things but rather things like 'oh so if you're happy with your 10 year old reading books with sex in them...' to a father, who was totally shocked. Things like that are maybe not prudent to say but still fun. No question about it, sometimes it's fun to say things you know you shouldn't.
The thing is throughout this course I have managed to not say things several times. It's like in some ways I'm also not as impatient with things. This could be because things are still so very new, but maybe, just maybe I can grab hold of this little thing I appear to be cultivating and continue to keep it as a skill in my life.
The course has good moments and bad ones. The bad ones are really the boring ones. There are just some parts of the course that are sleep inducing. And to be honest I wasn't happy with the unit that told me to eat healthy, exercise and go to the dr for regular check-ups, no offence sir but I'm nearly 40 and nowhere near the oldest person in our class and you are treating us like we are kids again.
Such is life though. I got through it, it's not something I'm going to have to think about again and I can move on. There have also been some really interesting sessions and I'm glad I've gotten to sit through those.
There is a satisfaction you get when you achieve something new. This is a feeling I like. I like to learn and I like to accomplish. Don't we all.
Actually I suppose there are people who don't but they don't know what they are missing out on. Learn something new. Stretch yourself, it is a good feeling.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
AHHHHH!!!!
I'm back studying. The first three months of my new job are the course part of the traineeship and so I find myself back in a classroom.
Can't say I ever really thought that would happen.
Some of it is hard to get through but that's just because by nature the topic is pretty dry, still it's stuff we have to know.
We have also had two written assessments and I have to say it seems that the skills I've cultivated with my writing and blogging have meant studying skills haven't left me entirely. I still have a pretty good study ethic and ability.
Right now though I have to admit there is a part of me that is wishing I hadn't committed to a play just before this all started. I did it because really I was pissed with missing out on the play I wanted to do because of the date of my brothers wedding and I think this will be the last one I do for quite a while as my new job involves shift work. It's not a big part, in fact it is three really small parts and at the moment I'm not needed every night of rehearsals but still the drive is time consuming and a little frustrating when you have to go so far for so few lines.
I'm liking it though. The challenge, the opportunity to push myself. I have to admit to being a little scared though, just a bit. This job is outside anything I've ever done or considered doing and so there is a part of me that is worried about totally stuffing it up.
Apart from all that though, God is still showing me his presence even though according to some I can't be a christian because of some of the things I believe. And while I am not about to go into details there is a part of me that finds it really interesting that I am in a place I never thought I would be and yet without those previously mentioned beliefs I wouldn't be able to help like I can. And no I am not going to tell you anything more than that. The only real point of bringing that up was to let you know that even when you struggle God can meet you where you least expect it. It's those little touches that allow me hope and we all need hope.
Can't say I ever really thought that would happen.
Some of it is hard to get through but that's just because by nature the topic is pretty dry, still it's stuff we have to know.
We have also had two written assessments and I have to say it seems that the skills I've cultivated with my writing and blogging have meant studying skills haven't left me entirely. I still have a pretty good study ethic and ability.
Right now though I have to admit there is a part of me that is wishing I hadn't committed to a play just before this all started. I did it because really I was pissed with missing out on the play I wanted to do because of the date of my brothers wedding and I think this will be the last one I do for quite a while as my new job involves shift work. It's not a big part, in fact it is three really small parts and at the moment I'm not needed every night of rehearsals but still the drive is time consuming and a little frustrating when you have to go so far for so few lines.
I'm liking it though. The challenge, the opportunity to push myself. I have to admit to being a little scared though, just a bit. This job is outside anything I've ever done or considered doing and so there is a part of me that is worried about totally stuffing it up.
Apart from all that though, God is still showing me his presence even though according to some I can't be a christian because of some of the things I believe. And while I am not about to go into details there is a part of me that finds it really interesting that I am in a place I never thought I would be and yet without those previously mentioned beliefs I wouldn't be able to help like I can. And no I am not going to tell you anything more than that. The only real point of bringing that up was to let you know that even when you struggle God can meet you where you least expect it. It's those little touches that allow me hope and we all need hope.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
WWJD
What Would Jesus Do?
This became a catchphrase not all that long ago even though the book by the same name is quite a bit older.
Any way I was thinking about this in amongst all my recent contemplations and whilst I had a rather longer post idea in mind I think I want to start here.
My thoughts have come to the conclusion that it is possible we who call ourselves christians can do with a slight paradigm shift, we have fallen into a safety zone with this question. It puts us on some moral high ground and we judge our choices from a superior perspective, not that we have justification to do so.
I think perhaps we would be well served taking from an old oath - First Do No Harm.
Sure this is just my thoughts but I feel this is a pretty valid starting point. We see things from a judgmental point of view, even though we may not see it that way (just ask a non christian what they think of christians). The stereotype is sad but equally sad is the fact stereotypes don't come from nowhere. If we take the judgement out of the equation, take the moral high ground out of the equation we are left with a better foundation on which to build our lives.
First do no harm.
Now I am not claiming to ever have lived by this, let alone well, but it is a new thought in my mind and one I want to adjust to and see where it leads me.
First Do No Harm.
This became a catchphrase not all that long ago even though the book by the same name is quite a bit older.
Any way I was thinking about this in amongst all my recent contemplations and whilst I had a rather longer post idea in mind I think I want to start here.
My thoughts have come to the conclusion that it is possible we who call ourselves christians can do with a slight paradigm shift, we have fallen into a safety zone with this question. It puts us on some moral high ground and we judge our choices from a superior perspective, not that we have justification to do so.
I think perhaps we would be well served taking from an old oath - First Do No Harm.
Sure this is just my thoughts but I feel this is a pretty valid starting point. We see things from a judgmental point of view, even though we may not see it that way (just ask a non christian what they think of christians). The stereotype is sad but equally sad is the fact stereotypes don't come from nowhere. If we take the judgement out of the equation, take the moral high ground out of the equation we are left with a better foundation on which to build our lives.
First do no harm.
Now I am not claiming to ever have lived by this, let alone well, but it is a new thought in my mind and one I want to adjust to and see where it leads me.
First Do No Harm.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
And Again
I just don't know how time gets away from me.
This year has just blasted by. So much to do, so many changes.
I finish in retail this week and believe me this is something I am totally ready for and absolutely looking forward to. My new job will be a challenge and a career change. This is a good thing.
How do I know this? I just do.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance.
Is this where I thought I would be at this stage of my life? Hell no. I truly believed God had called me to do certain things but if He had/has they haven't happened yet. Am I devastated by this? Not even a little bit. I have attacked some of those things to the best of my ability and you know from a slightly different perspective you could say they have come about, just not the way I expected. That's the thing though, what God means and how we interpret it can sometimes be two vastly different things.
A better question, rather than focusing on where a younger me hoped I would be, is am I happy?
Yes. Without a doubt that answer is yes.
I am blessed with a man who knows me, dare I say understands me, and somehow still loves me. He is my strength and support. When I am down he drags me up and lets me fall apart if I need to.
I have two children who I love even when they bug me to distraction, they make me proud and swamp me with love.
I have done many things, I have experienced life, I get to write. I have even had a job that at one time was one of my dream jobs.
It's all a matter of perspective really. Sure others would look at my life and wonder at the struggles but me I see the strengths and blessings that have come through that. I wouldn't swap what I have for success as the world sees it financially because without my family I couldn't possibly be this happy and to change any one of the things in my life could change what I have and that wouldn't be worth it. It really wouldn't.
This year has just blasted by. So much to do, so many changes.
I finish in retail this week and believe me this is something I am totally ready for and absolutely looking forward to. My new job will be a challenge and a career change. This is a good thing.
How do I know this? I just do.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance.
Is this where I thought I would be at this stage of my life? Hell no. I truly believed God had called me to do certain things but if He had/has they haven't happened yet. Am I devastated by this? Not even a little bit. I have attacked some of those things to the best of my ability and you know from a slightly different perspective you could say they have come about, just not the way I expected. That's the thing though, what God means and how we interpret it can sometimes be two vastly different things.
A better question, rather than focusing on where a younger me hoped I would be, is am I happy?
Yes. Without a doubt that answer is yes.
I am blessed with a man who knows me, dare I say understands me, and somehow still loves me. He is my strength and support. When I am down he drags me up and lets me fall apart if I need to.
I have two children who I love even when they bug me to distraction, they make me proud and swamp me with love.
I have done many things, I have experienced life, I get to write. I have even had a job that at one time was one of my dream jobs.
It's all a matter of perspective really. Sure others would look at my life and wonder at the struggles but me I see the strengths and blessings that have come through that. I wouldn't swap what I have for success as the world sees it financially because without my family I couldn't possibly be this happy and to change any one of the things in my life could change what I have and that wouldn't be worth it. It really wouldn't.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Thank You
So I totally didn't realise that it had been so long since I had written in this blog. I'm still struggling with work, waiting to hear back from the job I applied for (sadly government jobs are popular and the process takes quite a while). I am also still struggling to figure out my faith.
The funny thing is I can go to a sic-fi/fantasy convention and feel right at home (what I wouldn't give to go to San Diego Comic-con- it's totally on my bucket list) yet I walk into church and want to turn right around again. It is so much easier to just sleep in on a sunday morning than get myself ready to go to church. In fact it was easier to get my butt out of bed on a sunday morning to go stand on my feet for 10 hours at previously mentioned convention than to go to church.
The thing is I want my girls to know God, to be given the opportunity to learn about faith.
I just find myself still questioning. I say again, because I already know I've said it before, that it would be easier if I didn't know so much, if I didn't want to question things, if I was willing to accept the boundaries put in front of me. Thing is I've kind of always pushed those boundaries.
I've heard all the arguments about needing to be in a church for your faith to be 'real' and to an extent I agree or at least understand it. My faith was stronger when I was hooked in to a church family but it's been a long time since I had that family feel in a church environment. By family I mean people who understood our wacky lives and sense of humour.
All is not lost though because I have the internet. Now some may think that sentence doesn't really makes sense, so let me explain. Through the wonderful digital world I am able to connect with the amazing Karin from Flickers of A Faithful FireFly and Andrew from Backyard Missionary. These people deserve a shout out for simply accepting my struggling questioning nature and supporting me through it. They come from different parts of the world and have known me in different ways, (one purely digitally) and yet they provide the chain that keeps me connected to that spiritual part of me. This I think is just as valuable as connecting in a building once or twice a week, in fact for someone like me it is even more valuable.
I hope that those of you who are struggling, confused or questioning, have someone like these people in your lives.
The funny thing is I can go to a sic-fi/fantasy convention and feel right at home (what I wouldn't give to go to San Diego Comic-con- it's totally on my bucket list) yet I walk into church and want to turn right around again. It is so much easier to just sleep in on a sunday morning than get myself ready to go to church. In fact it was easier to get my butt out of bed on a sunday morning to go stand on my feet for 10 hours at previously mentioned convention than to go to church.
The thing is I want my girls to know God, to be given the opportunity to learn about faith.
I just find myself still questioning. I say again, because I already know I've said it before, that it would be easier if I didn't know so much, if I didn't want to question things, if I was willing to accept the boundaries put in front of me. Thing is I've kind of always pushed those boundaries.
I've heard all the arguments about needing to be in a church for your faith to be 'real' and to an extent I agree or at least understand it. My faith was stronger when I was hooked in to a church family but it's been a long time since I had that family feel in a church environment. By family I mean people who understood our wacky lives and sense of humour.
All is not lost though because I have the internet. Now some may think that sentence doesn't really makes sense, so let me explain. Through the wonderful digital world I am able to connect with the amazing Karin from Flickers of A Faithful FireFly and Andrew from Backyard Missionary. These people deserve a shout out for simply accepting my struggling questioning nature and supporting me through it. They come from different parts of the world and have known me in different ways, (one purely digitally) and yet they provide the chain that keeps me connected to that spiritual part of me. This I think is just as valuable as connecting in a building once or twice a week, in fact for someone like me it is even more valuable.
I hope that those of you who are struggling, confused or questioning, have someone like these people in your lives.
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