Trying to Keep On Top

Somedays really drag,

I wish they didn't but that is the truth of it. There are just so many things I want to be doing with my time - reading, writing, training, catching up with friends. The stuff I have to do doesn't even rate on my list - cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing. I freely admit I am a sucky housekeeper, I would much rather be curled up with a book until ridiculous hours of the morning than do my dishes. Growing up is about understanding that some things just need to get done and believe me there are days I wish I could forget I'm supposed to be a grown up. How can you follow your dreams when reality gets in the way? How can I work on getting published when I work 12 hr shifts? The truth is I only manage by doing what I can each day. If that means it is only a few words, then at least it is still better with the number of words I had started the day with. Because I review books even sitting curled up with a book is considered productive on some level for me (a fact for which I am eternally grateful although it would be nice to get paid to do it). Sometimes it feels the least productive days are the ones I'm at work, though without those I couldn't afford to do the other things I love. I have to admit though at least I have a job I like, and yes I am fully aware of the fact that most people struggle to understand how I could like it, (it helps to have a twisted sense of humour). With Tough Mudder looming next weekend that has more of my focus right now than my writing does, but that will change once Mudder is over, no matter what the result. I get that people think I'm silly to want to do this, for me though it is the challenge of doing something I never would have dreamed possible a few years ago. I suppose life is a varied and awesome thing and if you are prepared to embrace it and the changes it throws your way then your life can be so much more than you thought possible. You don't need to be some kind of special and superhuman to achieve this, you just need to be flexible enough to change and determined enough to keep moving forward even if it is only one baby step at a time.

Road Blocks

So it's already October, that means my biggest challenge of the year is looming.

That's right this is my biggest challenge; 20kms, 20+ obstacles. It is going to be brutal and hopefully fun.

I have been training hard for this. I have worked hard this last year and a half on my fitness and strength. The time is getting short to get a good amount of training in before the day. There are days when I just don't want to go out but I do. There are days that I think a little bit will be good enough and I end up pushing myself further than ever. Then there are days like the other day. I went out to push the distance, to see how far I could go before dinner. A couple of hundred meters down the road I thought my hip felt a bit sore but pushed it aside thinking 'it's just a little pain I can push through it I'm sure Mudder will come with more pain'. So I kept running, till about 2kms from home I heard this bone crunching kind of sound and my leg almost gave out from under me.

Do you have any idea how mush it sucks to be injured this close to your goal event? A lot. For someone like me it's not just the injury that is the problem, it's the fact it makes me feel weak. There is a part of me that thinks I should just push hard through it. Then there is a smaller part of me that knows it is better if I rest it for a bit at least. Fortunately for me the smaller part is bolstered by the support of my other half who has been a great support and trainer through all my self inflicted torture. He tells me I'm not to go out, he reassures me that taking some time off doesn't make me weak. I have had to accept limitations this week and I don't do well with limitations. What keeps me from trying to run through the pain though is knowing I don't have to let this road block stop me. I just need to be a little patient, like with any road block it is just a temporary thing, before long you can get back on your way. I have to believe that. I have to believe I will be back out there soon because I've already paid my entry fee and I'll be stuffed if I'm going to forfeit that for a little owie. (Of course I would feel a bit better if my owie had some external indication of pain so I could show it as a badge of courage.)

My Life Is Richer For My Friends

I turned 40 a few months ago and because I was so busy I was unable to have my party till the weekend just gone. It was awesome.
It wasn't a big affair. It wasn't a fancy affair. It was a backyard barbecue with friends. I know people throw parties and invite dozens of people. They ask them to BYO all sorts apparently (though some don't). They get stressed about catering for everyone and probably can't get around to talking properly to everyone they invited.
Me I over cater. I always over eater. That's fine though because it means I have enough food to last for the rest of the week. My kids think it's great coz there is so much cool drink and junk food left in the house they will be on a sugar high for two weeks. I like to provide for those I invite, it makes me happy.
The best thing, the very best thing about my party was the chance to catch up with some of the most awesome friends ever. True friends are those you may not get to see very often but there will always be a connection. They are the people who will be there when you really need them. They will even dress up in silly 80's costumes just because I asked them too.

My friends are the best.
I am blessed to have such awesome people in my life.
These are people who stand by you when it goes to shit. They are people who will go out of their way to make sure you are okay if something terrible happens (like your mum gets sick). They are the people who stand by you when you need to vent. Or you loose a job, or you are just having an unsettled time being a parent.
True friends are the ones who accept you for your good points, your bad ones and your quirky tendencies. They will do things they may not be real comfortable doing because you ask them too. True friends make you laugh, understand when you need to cry and are there when you need to throw something.
Friends also do something else. They make you better. I suppose they can make you worse if you pick bad ones, but mine don't fit into that category. My friends push me to keep going. They inspire me, they encourage me. They give me a kick when I need it. My interactions with them have impacted on my life and I really think they help me to be better.

I am truly blessed with my friends and I wouldn't change what I had for all the big arse, expensive, fancy parties, with loaded gift tables, for anything, because I know without a question what I have is of far more worth than anything you can buy anywhere for any price.
One of them said the most amazing thing to me, she said even though she hadn't felt like coming she had to because it was me and she would always do that for me. (I know she spent ages in costume places because of me, even though she'd have rather done just about anything else except go back to her old job, and that is pretty damn special.)
To my friends and you know who you are, my life is so much richer just because you guys are in it. Thank you.

Not As Young As I Was

Statement of fact really for every one of us. When we were younger 30 seemed so old. 40 was just about ancient let alone 50 or 60. Now I'm here at 40 I don't feel old, I still feel like me. Young, silly and not ready to consider myself as old.
Of course it helps that I'm fitter now than I have been in years but the truth is that, in and of itself, is an indication of getting older. Once upon a time I didn't really have to do anything to fit into smaller size clothing, now I need to watch what I eat to an extent and sweat on a regular basis. Neither of which it turns out, do I have a problem with.
Every now and then though my body decides to let me know that I'm not 20 anymore. It chose to do that this weekend, when I picked my munchkin up and went to flip her around. I threw my back out more than throwing my daughter around and have spent the last two days babying it and keeping it warm so as to make the healing process short.
I am sure there was a time that wouldn't have happened. Thing is though it is an inconvenience but that is all. So I won't run this weekend, so I won't get to pound on my newly put up heavy bag. I refuse though to let this little indication of not being so spritely bother me.
When you are actually young, you often think growing old would have to suck. Actually it's pretty good fun. Life is made up of experiences and choices and quite often you are simply better equipped to make better choices when you are older. When you are younger you think nothing much can touch you. When you are older you realise there is a fair chance crap will happen at some point and it's all about how you choose to deal with it.
I love being the age I am. I wouldn't go back to being 21 again for quids, (maybe 30 I would). Truthfully, I actually think I'm a better person now, though there are days I wish to not have the responsibilities of a grown up. Life is fun because I choose to have fun. Life is productive because I choose to make it that way.
Sure there are things I wish I could change, most people probably have something they would like different in their lives, but those things are things I'm still working on. Age can give you a wonderful perspective if you let it.

Changes

Life is full of change. The thing is to embrace it.
Not always the easiest thing to do.
We have just shifted. A change and a pain in the butt. The nice thing is though the house we have moved to is an awesome fit for us, for all the baggage and stuff we bring with us. A more ordinary house would not suit us because; well a muso and a writer have certain needs. I am looking forward to the day the boxes are all gone.
The other thing is I've taken the plunge and had some art added to my skin. I get that some people really disagree with tattoos and that's fine. For me the choice was not lightly made. It's something I've thought about for a long time. I know that for many it's just a hip thing to do. For me that had nothing to do with it. I'm about as unhip as you get. I wouldn't know fashion if I fell over it.
For me the choice was very personal and the design I chose was equally personal. The first place I approached tried to suggest I get something that suited them better. 'Hello sunshine this is something that is going to be on my body for ever why would I want to have something I didn't ask for?'
In the end I took my two inspiration pieces to a guy and he designed me the most amazing piece. I put a lot of research into my piece. I know what it means in a general way and I know what it means to me. My piece was inspired by the central character in my fantasy novel. She has many tattoos and they all have very specific meanings.
My tattoo is a promise to myself to continue to work on my novel and one day get it published.

This is so beautiful.

Work is keeping me busy, writing is keeping me busy, when I get the chance to do so. 

I have so many things I still want to do. I want to teach my kids to embrace the excitement of life, of change. You don't need to do what others expect of you. Let's face it I've never been particularly good at making others happy. There are times in your life that you simply need to make a choice about what is the right next step for your life.  I want them to know that to live is to sometimes push yourself outside of your comfort zone. This latter after all is why I'm in training for Tough Mudder. Never in a million years would I have thought this would be something I would do but it is the right thing for me at this time.

Then again I never expected to have the career I've got. Yet it is a job I really like. Being willing to embrace change, to look outside the square is what got me to this stage of my life and it's a place I feel very happy in.

Don't run away from change. Change can bring the most amazing things into your life. Change can bring real beauty. Change stops life becoming stagnant. To really live is to embrace change.

Well That Just Sucks

We should've got our house. Not going to happen it seems. The no is for the sake of two months, or $30 a week, or the inflated tax rate to cover my old uni fees, or the simple fact that I know how to survive without a credit card (which means you end up with no real credit rating).
So all those things I finally got around to unpacking again need to be packed. Totally not my favourite past time.
When I found out I cried. I shouted. I swore. And I ranted at God how is this fair, how is it fair that some people land on their feet all the damn time, they seem to get many of the breaks and people will look at them and go 'well lets see what we can do to sort that for you.' When they look at me it so often seems they try to find all the possible faults, all ways in which we don't fit.
Thing is though, this kind of thing has happened so many damn times in my life that really at this stage it is just kind of boring now.

So for 20 minutes I pitched a fit. Then I accepted the fact my plans had been tossed in the air again only to fall in some random manner at my feet.
I walked out of my shower, got dressed and went and spoke to my family. Within that very short space of time I had gone through a total 180 degree change of attitude.
Why?
Well that's easy really. Because I decided too. I have a family who love me. A job that puts a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in our mouths (as an added bonus it's a job I like). I have enough time to spend with friends and family and to indulge my love of writing (or rather my need to create). Where I actually live makes no real difference to any of that. Sure shifting is a pain in the butt you'll find no argument from me on that count.
So much of life though is how you look at things. I chose to look at the good and accept what I can't really change. The other thing is I don't know what the future holds. My plans could have had fundamental flaws that I couldn't see. It's even possible something that never entered into my calculations was around the corner.
Something awesome could be coming and who am I to focus just on the crap and not the possibilities.

Choices are what make the difference in life. I have been knocked over so many times that after I get over my initial frustration or disappointment I think to myself 'is that all you've got world?' You say I can't have it, I say 'you watch me get better'. I choose to look at what I've got, I choose to say I am not going to give up.
I choose to open my eyes to possibilities. Which means when I pick up a book that I'd put aside a while ago, I can see clearly a new idea that jumps in front of me. Two days ago I was frustrated. Today I am excited for the future. Today a new dimension popped into my mind for a new story idea that has been simmering and a new thought for our financial future also bloomed in a corner of my mind.
Sometimes the suckiest things turn out to be the very thing that sharpens the focus.

A Culture of Blame

My job puts me in many a strange situation. It was never a job I thought I would have. It's not really the sort of job you think about at any time when someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

The thing I want to talk about today is devolution.

I have never in my life seen anyone devolve so totally as I did this week. I saw a grown woman go from being a 30 something to a little child in the space of several minutes.
It was freaky. Seeing someone who has functioned like an adult in every situation you've seen them in, suddenly sit there, rocking, shaking, refusing to open her eyes and crying for her mummy.
In amongst the info dump that happened in those 20 odd minutes where I tried to talk her down, or back to reality, I noticed something. A decided lack of responsibility.
Everyone else was responsible for the position this woman found herself in.

It is so sad that a great number of us have crappy moments in our lives and we just get on with it, but there is an increasing number, it seems, who think everything bad that happens to them is because of what someone else does or did. It's the police's fault that someone goes to jail - it's got nothing to do with the drugs they were on and the actions they took. It's the old person's fault they nearly died because they wouldn't hand over their money and jewellery. And the list goes on.
Me, things don't go as planned well I come up with another plan. I may rant and rave, even throw the occasional pillow but I certainly don't go and commit a crime and blame someone else. Believe me I have had quiet a few downs in my life, more bumps in the road than I would have liked. It can be hard when you know people who always seem to land on their feet. You know the ones - those who squander the amazing opportunities you would give, well not quite anything for, but then they get another and another. You want to slap them upside the head, jump up and down and demand they introduce you to the person who made them the offer because you would like nothing more than to say 'pick me'. It is not to be though, and so we pick ourselves up and go on.
I don't really know where this culture of blame has come from and to be honest I don't know if it's really getting worse or if I just notice it more the older I get.
It is so sad. It makes me want to just take some of these people and shake some sense into them. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure that won't work. No amount of shaking will make a difference till these people want to step up and start acting like adults and taking responsibility. Sure crap happens and it's not always in our control what happens to us but how we respond, that is within our control.