Moving on now because I know I could go on about not acting your age or being responsible for your actions and their consequences but what would be the point, I'd probably be preaching to the converted. So to other matters.
I think I had an epiphany of sorts this week. It's been a really tough time recently. And before you say anything like 'well it's coz you're not going to church', I'd like to stop you and say this toughness is no different to when we were. We got ripped off this week as well as everything else. Though usually when we take a step forward something happens with the car so this at least was a new twist.
I've been thinking a lot about my faith. I sometimes miss church but to be honest I really love being able to relax and do nothing with my mornings on the weekend.
I talk to God everyday, and to be honest there are days I'm not sure he listens, because it really feels as though nearly every prayer I've prayed has been unanswered or answered no. So where does this leave me?
I shouldn't just believe because I expect something in return I have blogged about that before. I believe there is a God and he created me. I believe he is capable of performing miracles but I don't believe he can be bothered doing one for me.
This was my epiphany. I believe he can, I just don't think he will for me. Interesting isn't it? I have been obedient and had it shoved in my face. Hubby had been obedient and things have gotten harder.
It was simpler when rent wasn't so high and we didn't have to think about the girls because I always have their interests, needs and wants in the back of my mind.
When hubby was fully into worship and playing conferences and stuff it was less stressful, not because our circumstances were much better but because we had less responsibility.
I am sick of taking one step forward and being shoved three steps backwards. And yes that is how it feels. I write what I believe God has put in me to write and what happens, someone tries to rip me off and then nothing. We believe for what we feel God has put in our hearts to believe for and we end up in the red. The guys start work on a worship album and we get ripped off.
I'm tired. That's what this all boils down to. I'm so tired. God said to rest in him and that's fine but when I don't believe he will really provide for MY family I absolutely can't stop. I know he can and does for others. I've believed for it and seen it. But with the stuff some of our closest friends are going through and they have been incredibly faithful, and with what we've been through, I'm really struggling with being able to trust that God has my best interests at heart.
I am so tired.
2 comments:
Prayers rising for you that He would makes His ways and His plans known and that all the things that make no sense would begin to become clear...
His love is true even when you can't feel it, I know.. how I know.
HI Kylie
You know I am wondering if life was simpler when we thought more simply - more 'black and white'.
As we get older we are aware of more nuances and shades of grey and no longer feel as hard and fast about (some of) our convictions.
Part of what you are articulating is that being 'faithful and obedient' does not equate to any kind of reward from God.
You can still be a Christian and not 'attend' a church. You don't 'backslide' to oblivion.
God is still there but not as real as he once was - or seemed to be...
Your words sound like a psalm or the life of the prophets.
In my own journey I have found myself disappointed with God at times and then realised I had a more childish 'cause and effect' view of him. (I'm not saying that's what you have!)
But as life goes on, shit happens, sometimes God seems to care, sometimes he doesn't. In those moments of grace I love to encounter him and be sure he is there, but much of life is just soldiering on in faith.
Just my own thoughts on some similar experiences.
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