So last week I was really hoping for...well I'm not sure but I sure as heck didn't expect to be the most depressed I have been in along time. Here is what I wrote last Saturday.
My mind is mush. I am feeling so totally out of my depth. I thought I'd feel comfortable here with people who share my passions but instead I can't remember the last time I felt so uncertain. Right now all I want to do is lock myself in a room and go back into myself.
I wonder if it's because on some level I don't like to give of myself, to risk. I don't want to be laughed at or pitied. I am kind of waiting for someone to pat me on the head and say 'it really is time for you to give up on your dreams, can't you see that it is time for you to grow up and join the real world'.
And I feel sad because I haven't doubted myself like this in a long time.
TIME PASSES
I'm beginning to think this weekend is designed to make me feel like an outcast. I get to my seat for 'The Feast Of Words' and I'm at the far end, with no menu, no butter knife, no place setting gift and an empty space across from me. Is there any better way to make me feel as solitary as possible through the evening. Only one person next to me and on diagonally opposite. Probably not going to speak to anyone all evening, at least I can reach the wine bottle without moving.
Then when I said I'd taken the menu from the setting of the woman who sat next to me, she got really pissy.
That is all from saturday. I will add though that the woman diagonally across was a real joy to share a meal with. It didn't turn out to be too bad an evening, though I still felt depressed. And unfortunately still do a bit.
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