Parenting the Minefield

Three weeks since I last blogged here and on my writing blog, of course I have been really busy with the review site TheKylieVerse.

Miss 3 has recovered well from her surgery and is very glad to be back at school, now other issues have surfaced. She is getting quite physical and has been told on more than several occasions to not hit her sister. We've gone down the 'not bullying' path and the 'it's not nice' path and yet sometimes she just goes back to that default setting. It's at times like that when I really wonder just how bad a parent I am.

Then I remember that parenting is a bit like walking through a minefield. You can never quite always know where the problems are going to explode. It would of course be so much easier if we did. She is strong and stubborn and won't be cowed by anyone which will be great traits for her to grow in to, if we can encourage her the right way.

This of course is also one of the joys of parenting - watching them grow and finding the little things they excel at and then hopefully finding ways to encourage those traits. Having said that Miss 8 has just decided she is going to be a tattoo artist. We went out and added different colours to her tattoo pen collection - I wonder if that makes us good or bad parents?

Thankfulness and Hard Times

This week has been intense for me for various reasons. In fact the last few weeks have been tough. Rejection (a constant in two areas I'm passionately pursuing) has been there, as well as struggling with the play I was rehearsing (we opened last night), and the looming surgery for my baby, as well as a bunch of junk going on with work.

The biggest thing without question has been the surgery. My daughter has been waiting for it for 18 months - they messed up at the hospital which set us back twelve months. Sure the surgery is pretty standard but there is always a risk with any surgery. It was hard walking out of the surgery once she had been put under but that was nothing compared to seeing her post-op with blood around her mouth and ear. She looked so tiny, so fragile. I was hopeful but still in the back of my mind I was worried, I guess most if not all parents would be. Any way she seemed to cope well and she definitely had more sleep that night than I did, I have no idea how anyone sleeps in a hospital.

Fortunately the next morning the Dr took one look at her overnight obs and said she could go straight home when she was ready. Awesome news and a great start to her recovery. She is doing so well that apart from a bit extra tiredness you would never know she had had an operation a few days ago.

So with her recovery looking alright and me sitting in a semi-dark hospital room watching tv on my computer something came and reminded me how fortunate I was and how thankful I was to God for how Miss 3 came through her op. A little girl was bought into the ward. She was tiny and her mother almost hysterical. Probably past it only due to exhaustion. She didn't even look 2 and had had to have her appendix out in an emergency op. The mother had previously been told not to worry because her daughter would be fine, it couldn't possibly be her appendix because she was too young. Of course that was a misdiagnosis and I'm sure if I had been in her shoes I probably would have been at least that stressed if not more so. In that moment I just had to pray in thankfulness that we had finally had our surgery, that it didn't get to the point of emergency and that even in those moments when delay and even the initial diagnosis had me wondering if God was even looking out for my girls, he obviously was. It also reminded me that there are people who always have it harder and they need our prayers even more than we need to pray for ourselves.

See God sees a picture I don't and sometimes it is very hard to remember that. When everything seems to be coming apart at the seams I try to hold on and pray and believe. Even then it feels pointless sometimes, that I'm barely holding on by my fingertips. Now though seeing things from the other side of the op, I feel more relaxed and thankful and somehow in amongst everything else I found my character and when I got on stage last night I nailed it. This reminds me that sometimes prayer feels a little ineffective, a bit like going through the motions but even in those times God knows our hearts and He hears, He just answers in His own way and on a very few occasions we are lucky enough to see the why later.

Gets My Goat

Okay yes it's a silly saying, especially seeing as I don't have one or want one but it's much more polite than the words I'd prefer to use.

You see this week a person I know admitted to suffering from a mental illness, at the same time they said their partner had been cheating on them for months. And that is all the details you will get for this isn't a gossip column, but the details are pertinent.

In the aftermath of these disclosures things have been said, yes there were plenty of encouraging and supportive things but the thing I am going to focus on is this, 'oh well I'm sure God will bring restoration to your marriage'.

WHAT! Hello?

Seriously of all the things that could be said. If I was in that situation and someone said that to me I may plant my fist in their face, and yes I know that response isn't very christian, but I'm not at all convinced what they said to this person was all that christian either.

Someone going through something like that doesn't want to hear that. Or at least I can't imagine they do.

This made me remember the time I called my dying mother up on the phone, she sounded very unhappy. I asked her what was wrong and it came out that people from her church had been saying to her that she needed to 'look deep within for she must have sin she refused to admit to or God would have healed her', or words to that effect. I was irate. Now I may not be a picture perfect christian but my mum was a lot closer to that than I was. I wanted to go down there and smack them out.

So this brings me to my thing for today, what makes christians feel the need to spout such utter rubbish sometimes? Do they simply not think before they open their mouths? Or are they so drowning in the rhetoric that they can't come up with something genuine to say?

And let me make it clear that these people are certainly in the minority but that it happens at all really bugs me. (And yes I know that sometimes God does bring about restoration though I'm sure if you ask those people it's not without some hard work and miraculous forgiveness first) Sometimes it seems to me that those that don't go around professing their goodness and relationship with God get it more right, you wouldn't hear one of my non-church going friends suggesting you hope for restoration of marriage, nor blaming some hidden sin for sickness. In fact they would probably help kick the cheating so and so out and be the first to ask 'hey sucks you're so sick is there anything we can do?'

Decisions, Decisions

Last week we went to church. We haven't been very regular about going for a while now, but we think me may have found somewhere we can be okay with. And yes okay is a deliberate word choice. I'm not looking for somewhere I will be happy or content or feel at home. Sad but true. There is too much water under that bridge. I am okay with the fact that the messages we've heard has quite a lot of biblical content and they aren't the same messages I have heard a hundred times. I'm okay with the fact it is close to home. And I'm hoping people won't expect us to fit in with their programmes only to be put out when we don't.

It all boils down to the fact I can still believe in God (even though I struggle with the form my faith takes a lot) but my girls are young and don't have the grounding I do, I want them to be informed, I want them to know the love of God and the friendships that are possible when you share a faith. I don't want them to not have that because I really struggle with the way the church has seemed to developed.

Yes I know I'm cynical. I know I can be abrasive - I've been told often enough. I know I don't play well with others. I like my space and I don't like being boxed into certain categories. Part of me wishes it wasn't that way. Part of me longs for the times when I felt really close to God. I have the feeling though that that trip will be a fair way back. So meanwhile I have decided to take baby steps. To once again say to God I love you please show me the way and what you want me to do. I can't promise that I will be able to go that way. At least not at first and I must confess to hoping the foundational things that I believe God placed in my life will stay solid and the focus for the future.

I can tell you one thing though I think I'm done with acting for a while. Not for faith reasons. Just because. One rejection too many for the moment and to be perfectly honest I'm really wishing I had more time to devote to my writing. My on-line life is booming as I try to manage three blogs, reading books to review, my social networking obsession and I really need more time to write my stuff.

The other thing I need to do is try and spend more time with my kids. With so much going on and having to go to work the girls are starting to ask if I will spend time with them. It's not that I don't love them, just that I have so many things I'm doing. Today I told them we would have a girls date night - a movie after dinner and I would make popcorn. I told them that early in the day so I would stick to it. If I just think these things I have a tendency to get sidetracked into other things. My girls are so patient with me. I am so blessed to have kids that play fairly well together and understand my drive to write. I love them and I need to make sure I show them so not just tell them so. I think sometimes I fall into the trap that if I say 'I love you' than that's enough. Quite obviously when they are asking me to play fairies with them, or whatever their game of the moment happens to be, then I'm missing the mark with making them feel loved. Actions sometimes really do speak louder than words.

I guess next week will be interesting, not that I'm sure my life can handle much more interesting.

Monster High

Well todays little rant comes to you courtesy of a toy manufacturer. While sitting eating my dinner, watching a kids show and otherwise minding my own business an ad for some new dolls came on. So what you may think, they come up with new toys all the time. I won't disagree. I already have Bratz dolls on my 'not to have' list and this new range has been added that list. These dolls are called the Monster High dolls.

Let me explain, they are supposed to be the teenage kids of famous monsters like Dracula and so on. It's not the gruesome nature of these dolls I particularly object too, though I'm sure there are those out there who think I should. It is in fact the knowledge that there is a book called Monster High and guess what the characters are the teenage kids of monsters. Focus being on teenage kids, which makes this book a young adult novel not a kiddy one.

While I think there could be a lot of fun to be had with monster dolls I'm concerned the focus is wrong. It is the same as it is with many of these doll lines, accessories and clothes. Do we really need green dolls that look stitched together like Frankenstein dressing in thigh high boots and mini skirts?

I'm all for saying appearance doesn't matter but somehow I think the focus is going to be on 'look as long as I'm skinny and wear the right skimpy clothes I will be liked' message, rather than the 'I have scars and am different but that doesn't matter because I'm still look hot and so am liked', message.

Yes there have been Barbie dolls (and her many, many fashions) for years, (though I have to say I never had one), but at least she actually took on different occupations and wasn't only a fashion model.

It all comes around again to why I like Dora, the original incarnation. A girl who is the same age as the girls who play with her, who dresses age appropriately and has adventures. Better yet she is also smart and bilingual.

I know somewhere along the way I have turned into a grumpy mother but seriously I want my girls to grow up believing in their abilities rather than the idea that appearance is the most important thing. I want my girls to grow and to live, and I find it sad that society seems to encourage our young girls to be obsessed with how they look and being a teenager. I can't keep my kids young forever and I wouldn't want them to be but neither do I want them to grow up quicker than they have to.

Kiddy Pageants

Kiddie beauty pageants are this weeks pet peeve.

Plenty of people are not too happy that this piece of Americana is making it's way to Australia, and yes I am one of them.

I have two young girls and while I'm happy for them to play dress-up and wear make-up for fun I face a fairly consistent battle to convince them they don't need dresses or make up or high heels to be beautiful. This idea of beauty is not one they get from me, I don't wear a lot of make-up or spend much on clothes, I always tell them they are beautiful no matter what. So where does it come from?

I don't think any one thing is to blame but I have to admit to trying to keep them away from toys like Bratz dolls and music video clips. The sad reality is that while I would love to protect my girls from all this junk it just isn't possible. They hear about it from their friends, other parents don't have my concerns or sometimes even think that these things make no difference to their daughters growth.

However we are seeing so many young people struggle with their self-esteem and own identity. Polls telling us this is a problem are really nothing new, stories about 8 year olds getting waxed and botoxed on the other hand... It sounds like it should be a joke, but sadly I don't think it is.

Honestly I would like to know what message the parents think they are passing to their daughters, and not only them but the boys their age as well. Our children should be allowed to be children; leave the heels and make-up and fake tans and false teeth to others.

I cannot see how these kind of pageants are good for our girls. How anyone could look at them and not think they are a harmful addition to a highly visually stimulated and sexualised society, I just don't know.

Beauty isn't in caked on make-up, painted on tans, false teeth and lashes. Beauty comes from confidence and confidence comes from knowing you are loved always. How about we put the time and money into ensuring our girls use and develop skills and talents to take them to the top of what ever it is they dream of achieving. Where they are valued for who they are not how fake they can be.

Holiday Week

Sure I tell myself it's a holiday but I can't really say I've had any time off. Especially not with children at home and so much going on otherwise. My new website is keeping me busy and I've started a twitter account, I'm finding it quite addictive. It's also proving to be quite informative. I think I'm finally getting a handle on how to manage social media. My kids book site has had over 200 hits in two weeks and I'm really happy with that. I've added other sections, like news and classics I just need to get around to writing some recommends lists.

Like I said keeping me busy.

We were planning on spending a couple of nights on an island but ditched that idea when it turned out it was going to cost us more to go across for two days than it would to go down south. We have settled probably for a day trip on a day we can get a discount.

Then there is other stuff going on with hubby an his band. Too much stuff really.

And if all this wasn't enough I have submitted one entry for a writing comp and am about to submit another. Then I had to say no to a friend. The thing she wanted was huge and I really just need some time to myself. It's hard, I feel bad for saying no but I really had to.

I've been busy but this week has felt so good. So busy with my head in books or a pen in my hand. I have one more week off and to be honest I really wish this could be my life. Writing, reading, blogging, trying to inspire people and kids to read.