Difficult Path of Faith

I keep banging up against a problem. I sit in church and nearly every week hear prayer requests for healing and financial break through accompanied by words that say God answers all prayers and can take care of all problems. That He can do it isn’t the issue, that He will do it? Well that’s another matter entirely and one my life doesn’t seem to bear out.
God has definitely shown up in my life, somehow we’ve always managed to pay the bills and have food on the table but living the blessed life as western religion seems to paint as the goal, I’m not close to attaining that. No matter how much we prayed for a financial breakthrough (whether lotto or work using our gifts or talents) in all our time together my hubby and I haven’t even been able to both be working full time at the same time. My husband gets a job and God tells me to stop working. I think I can’t possibly be hearing right and all of a sudden in the space of a week or so I go from being a valued employee to don’t give her any work. And that has been the pattern of our marriage.
The truth is I don’t know God’s plan, I wish I did, but I do know that every time I let go of the things I really enjoy, like writing and performing, I always come back to them and yet I haven’t had a break through in either of those areas.
Lack of monetary windfall isn’t the only thing. Healing is another big one. When my mother was diagnosed the last time with the cancer they’d missed a short time previously riddled through her body, they told her time was short. What was my prayer? I’m sure I did pray for healing but I remember knowing almost straight away that healing wasn’t going to happen. My prayer then became ‘fine, take her if you must but she lives long enough to see her first grandchild.’ I wasn’t pregnant at the time, though we had started trying but as everyone knows that doesn’t mean a lot. Long story short our daughter was three months old when my mother died. Right to the end people were praying for healing and telling her she was going to be fine. Someone even suggested the reason she hadn’t been healed was that her faith wasn’t strong enough. Do you have any idea what that does to a person? Besides if anyone had faith it was my mother. It might be worth remembering here that the bible says;

He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can
say to this mulberry tree ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea’ and
it will obey you.
Luke 17:6

It seems to me it’s us who try to quantify faith not God. Faith is faith, I just wonder if we think of faith as a form of currency and expect to get a certain payout from it.
It’s like we forget that sometimes God’s answer is no. Paul asked for the thorn in his side to be removed three times and God said no (2 Cor 12:7 & 8). Jesus asked that the cup be taken from him, and that didn’t happen either (Luke 22:39-46). It also may be an idea to remember that after Christ was baptised the first thing the Spirit did was drive him into the desert for forty days (Matt 4:1-11). Most of us haven’t gone without anything for that length of time, not anything that really mattered; food, shelter, heat. Of course there are those who have but for a majority of us professing faith in the western world, we wouldn’t know what that was like. Jesus went from affirmation to extreme difficulty.
The other thing that goes hand in hand with this is temptation. We are often told that Christ was tempted in every way (not all in the desert would be my guess) but do we ever think about what that means. Obviously we think about sex but that doesn’t come close to covering all kinds of temptation. We can be tempted financially, by what our idea of success is, by comfort or stuff. Not everyone’s weakness is the same thing.
We seem to be under the impression that God’s will for us is comfort and convenience. Where do we get that from?
I suppose comfort is relative. A lot of us have a roof over our heads, clothes to wear and food in our stomachs, yet still we strive for other things to make our lives more comfortable. How many people would just like to have enough food in their bellies or clean drinking water?
We also like things to be convenient, fast food, fast cars, fast communication. When things happen to disrupt any number of things in our lives, like just when you start to save for a holiday the car breaks down, we get pissed. Or maybe that’s just another one of those things that only applies to me.
There have been times in my life when I’ve wondered if God has dropped the ball. Even times when I’ve been convinced I was doing what God wanted me to do and things have still gone somewhat pear shaped, not even close to working out the way I figured they would. I thought by doing God’s will, blessings would rain down on me and I would finally have some of the things I wanted like some sort of financial security or professional success. You really only need to read the bible to realise what a screwy idea that is. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen and I’m still hoping and praying for both those things, with times of varying frustration admittedly, but I’m working on not making my happiness or contentment reliant on those things happening. I’m working on walking the path that Paul walked all those years ago:

I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have
plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and
every situation whether well fed or hungry, whether living in
plenty or in want.
Phil 4:12

I’m sure more want to walk the path that’s smooth, the one where money falls out of the sky. I’m being facetious, I know money doesn’t fall out of the sky, but I do know people who just seem to think about wanting something and someone gives it to them. My own daughter has a tendency to say she wants something and gets it from people who didn’t even know she wanted it. Even complete strangers give her stuff. It’s hard to be jealous of your own daughter though, especially when I want the best for her and can’t afford to give her everything she wants.
Not that I think it’s particularly wise to give kids everything they want. In the same way we don’t give our kids everything they ask for God doesn’t give us everything we ask for. He doesn’t explain it to us but we have to trust He knows better, it’s like those times we do things our kids don’t like because we know better. But knowing that doesn’t necessarily make accepting it any easier.
We want things to go our way all the time but unfortunately life isn’t like that. David spent years being hunted by Saul, Moses spent years tending sheep in the desert, Job lost all he had, Paul was jailed, John was exiled and Jesus gave his life. All were faithful people but they were also people who experienced hardship. In the words of James:

Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many
kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops
perseverance. Perseverance must finish it’s work so that you may be
mature and complete, not lacking in anything.
James 1:2-4

We don’t like to think about verses like these because lets face it who wants to persevere in trials. That doesn’t change the fact those verses are there or that it is a call placed before all Christians. Notice it doesn’t say you’ll live in overwhelming financial abundance and physical perfection. It says you won’t lack, which suggests to me need not want and need can be relative.
This call for perseverance manifests differently for each of us and I don’t know why but if I had to guess I’d say it was because God has different callings for each of us. Different people can survive different things and different people can prosper in different circumstances. We all walk different paths but we don’t walk them alone. God said he would never leave us or forsake us and as an added bonus He brings people into our lives to journey with us, some for the short term and some for the long haul.
We may not like it but journey on we must if we wish to grow, to live and not just exist. The path isn’t always easy and even though I’ve taken detours along the way I always find myself back on this path because God is true to is word and has never given me more than I can handle, as long as I remember I don’t have to handle it alone.

The Oasis - Ch 5

Once in the city Rachel found the library, she needed to make some phone calls and didn’t want to leave her bags out in the open too long. She took out her list of possible places to stay and started dialling. The first two places were full, the third place wanted identification. Rachel hung-up, she hadn’t contemplated the possibility she would need anything like that just to stay somewhere. She had no idea what she was going to do. She hadn’t thought is would be so difficult to find a place to stay.
Rachel left the library and went back to the station. She was feeling hungry and had seen a bakery there. She bought herself a pie and walked over to a little grassed area where people were smoking. She sat down to eat and think. She finished the pie and looked through her purse hoping for an answer to slap her in the face. There it was, her mother’s credit card. The card only had her mother’s first names initialled on it, and they happened to be the same initials as Rachel’s own. The first names weren’t the same, her mum was Renae Leanne, but maybe it would be enough.
Rachel went back to the phones. She put her name down at the first place with a vacancy and asked directions. It was a bit risky but she was hoping that when she turned up they’d be unwilling to refuse her. She had to wait twenty minutes for the right bus but in less than an hour she was checking in to the Sunshine Coast Backpackers.
When they asked for ID she said she didn’t have a passport and had been waiting for her new licence to arrive back home but she had a credit card and hoped that would be alright. There was a slight hesitation by the young man behind the counter so she added that she was planing on paying in cash for two weeks up front if they would take it. The guy smiled and handed over the forms. She signed but added a couple of years to her age, and didn’t hesitate to leave her home number, she knew no-one would pick it up. No-one was home and her parents had given her a private line when she turned fourteen, and they never answered that, plus before she’d left she’d disconnected her answering machine. Rachel was starting to feel as though she may have pulled off her big escape.
The place wasn’t very fancy but she wasn’t paying for fancy, she was paying for a place to stay and be dry, or more importantly somewhere to keep cool, rain in January was unlikely to be an issue. The backpackers was two stories comprising of a communal kitchen and two living areas one with a television and one without, the second had a pool table. They were both downstairs along with the office and a toilet. Upstairs were two rooms containing ten beds and four bathrooms. There was a garden out the back with some chairs, a table, a hammock and a washing line. There was no laundry, Rachel had been told the nearest laundromat was two streets away, and she supposed she could wash her clothes in the sink or shower.
Rachel carted her gear into the girl’s dorm. She unpacked her beach towel and hung it over the end of her bed like a couple of other people had done. She figured at least that way they would know the bed was now someone’s. Looking around she realised it may take a while to get used to these living arrangements. As an only child she had never had to share her room with anyone before, so sharing with nine other people was going to be a big change.
As she took in her surroundings she noticed clothes hanging over bed ends and on window ledges, Rachel wasn’t sure if they were there to dry out or just air out. There were a couple of closed backpacks pushed neatly under beds, most though seemed open and half under the beds, as if their owners had kicked them out of the way as they left. Rachel suddenly felt a little self conscious about having a suitcase rather than a backpack but the guy at reception hadn’t commented so maybe she wasn’t too out of place.
The whole place seemed to have an air of freedom about it and it suddenly hit her that she no longer had to think about having parents looking over her shoulder. Her parents were now officially no longer part of her life.
Her bed had a pillow and a thin blanket but no sheets. Rachel had another look around the room, every bed but hers had a sleeping bag on it. She didn’t have one and to be honest it wasn’t something she’d even thought about. With no idea where to get a sleeping bag from she looked at her watch and thought if she was lucky she would be able to get something to sleep on from the supermarket near where the bus had dropped her off. She quickly got some money out of one of her socks, closed and locked her case, pushed it under the bed and headed off for the shops.
Rachel smiled to herself as she walked. She had done it. She was away from abusive and non-caring relatives and unbelieving parents. It was summer time and she was staying about one and a half kilometres away from the beach. No-one had called her bluff or even asked awkward questions. Things were definitely looking up.
She got to the shops just before they closed but that was fine she wasn’t planning on being long. She bought a cheap set of sheets figuring they would do until she got around to buying a sleeping bag. Anything else could wait for another day or so, she had shelter, all the clothes she would need for a while and access to food. The guy at the hostel’s front desk, Tony she thought his name was, had told her breakfast was included in the price but it was nothing fancy; cereal, toast, tea or coffee, so she figured she had until lunch time tomorrow to work out what she was going to do about the rest of her meals. It was tempting to think it wouldn’t be an issue because she had plenty of money but she wasn’t going to allow herself that luxury. Having no idea how long her money would have to last she was determined to use it wisely.
However the planning and being careful could wait until tomorrow because dinner on the beach was looking like a mighty fine idea as she walked back to the hostel. It was easy to convince herself that she deserved at least one celebratory meal. First though she took her sheets upstairs and made the bed. Still no-one else was in the dorm but a few things looked different so she assumed someone had been there. She grabbed a lightweight jacket and left again, this time heading towards the ocean.
The sun was still fairly high over the horizon when Rachel reached the beach and not being really hungry she decided to take her shoes off and go for a walk along the shore. The sun was warm, the breeze brisk and the water felt great as it lapped at her feet when the waves washed up onto the sand. Breathing in the salty sea air Rachel felt things were getting better by the minute, for the first time in years she wasn’t feeling dread on her first night away.
She briefly wondered if her parents even knew she hadn’t turned up at the farm. Then decided she didn’t actually care. If they had have cared the way they should’ve they wouldn’t have continued to send her back to the one place that gave her nightmares. It didn’t matter that she didn’t have them very often anymore, it mattered that she had them at all. Then of course there were the inerasable memories. In one of her more imaginative moments Rachel wondered if there was a way to selectively erase someone’s memories like they did in the movies.
Rachel, starting to feel hungry walked away from the water’s edge, found herself a seafood takeaway place. She bought some fish and chips, a coke and went and sat on the beach to eat her dinner as the sun set.
‘This is perhaps,’ Rachel thought, ‘the most perfect moment I have ever experienced in my life.’
It was well after the last of the sun’s rays had left the sky when Rachel started back to the hostel. Things felt so good. She didn’t have to be afraid of the night anymore. She didn’t have to crawl into bed wondering if Trevor was going to come into her room or if he was going to draw it out in anticipation. He was the nastiest person she had ever met, yet the people closest to him thought he could do no wrong.
Even her own mother hadn’t believed what she had said about him. Not that she had been completely surprised by that. Trevor had told her people wouldn’t believe her but she guessed deep down she felt her mother should have believed her above other family members. To the best of her knowledge her mother had dismissed what she had said outright, never even giving it a second thought. Not for a minute giving her daughter the benefit of the doubt.
That had been Trevor’s ace, and probably the thing that hurt many rape victims. People simply didn’t want to believe someone they knew would be capable of something like that.

Journey Home - Entry 4

I came back home today. My home I mean. Since Jessica died I’ve been staying with my parents and that’s been fine but I know it’s been hard on them as well as on me. I haven’t exactly been the best of house guests. When you are surrounded twenty four hours a day, seven days a week by people who are treading on eggshells because they’re concerned about you, let’s just say it can make for a somewhat stressful situation.
I love my parents dearly. I really do. They’ve always been there for me. They certainly would never kick me out or say I was an inconvenience. It’s just, I don’t know, I feel I can’t keep staying there, relying on them and disrupting their home life. It also feels as though I’m hiding from the truth in some way. I’ve never been one to run away from a situation and as hard as it is for me, I know I shouldn’t start now.
Being back here is really difficult. There are so many things that remind me of Jessica and I don’t know what to do about them. In my head I know I should do something with her stuff, perhaps even something constructive like give some of it away. But in my heart, well my heart doesn’t want to let go, of any of it. It’s all I have left of her. I mean on one hand I know I have no further use for those things but on the other I’m scared to let them go. Scared that if I give them away I’ll be giving her away. It’s really difficult to explain but when I think about it I feel as though I am betraying her somehow. Giving her things away seems so final. I honestly don’t think I’m ready for that.
The really silly thing is I can’t even bring myself to go into her bedroom. Here I am thinking of giving her stuff away or rather how I would be betraying her if I did, yet I can’t even bring myself to look at it.
I didn’t really expect coming home to be this hard. For some reason I was expecting things to be better if I was in my own place, but they’re not. I don’t even know why I thought it would be easier here but I did, and I came back only to find out just how wrong I was. I spoke to Mum about it, all of it including the toys and stuff, and she said I wasn’t being silly. She said how I was feeling was perfectly normal considering the circumstances and I shouldn’t rush things. I should only do them when I felt I was ready.
I like her advice but if I followed it I might not even get out of bed in the morning. Besides how will I know when I’m ready? Will I wake up one day and say to myself ‘I think I’m ready to go through Jessie’s things today’? Maybe a better question at this point is; how can I know if I’ll ever be ready?
I suppose I’ll just have to do what Brianna suggested, cliché or not, and take it one day at a time.
The other thing Mum said was if I wanted to go back my old room at their place was still available. She hadn’t converted it back into her sewing room yet. I think she was trying to make me laugh, it didn’t really work. It did make me smile though. I know she wasn’t being serious, my mother only sews when the mood hits and a rough estimation of how often that happens is about once every three or four years.
I turned down the offer. I have made my decision and I am determined to try and stick it out. I’ve been told I can be quite stubborn at times.

31 Bible Women and The Lessons We Can Learn From Them

Eve – Women share God’s image and were created to be man’s helpmate, partner.
Sarah – God can do what we cannot see as possible and he responds to faith even in the midst of failure.
Lot’s Wife – Disobeying a direct order from God can change our lives forever, actions speak louder than words and stuff is temporary, life in Christ is eternal.
Rebekah – God can use even our mistakes.
Rachel – Envy and competitiveness can ruin relationships and love isn’t earned.
Jocabed (Moses’ Mother) – We can hold our frightening and seemingly impossible situations to God and he work things out.
Miriam – A single life can be used mightily by God, and motives behind criticism are often more important than the criticism itself.
Rahab – Our past doesn’t determine our future, faith that is demonstrated is remembered.
Deborah – God chooses leaders by His standards not ours and wise leaders choose wise helpers.
Delilah – The love of a man is to be treasured, silver and gold aren’t good company, weaknesses should be strengthened not exposed.
Ruth – Putting yourself first doesn’t always get the best results.
Hannah – God hears and answers prayers and our children are gifts from God.
Abigail – Anyone can play a significant role regardless of their position and life’s trials can bring out the best in people.
Michal – We are not as responsible for what happens to us as we are for how we respond to our circumstances.
Bathsheba – We are responsible for how we deal with things even when we feel caught up in them, a sin may seem small but there can be consequences far beyond measure and even in the worst situations God can bring good.
Woman with oil – God can use what little you have to bless you beyond measure if you trust Him and listen to Him.
Esther – God has a purpose for the situations in which he places us and serving God often demands we risk our own security.
Mary (Jesus' mother)– God’s plans involve extraordinary events in ordinary people’s lives and a person’s character is revealed by their response to the unexpected.
Elizabeth – God’s timetable and methods don’t always conform to our expectations.
Mary – The busyness of serving God can become a barrier to knowing him personally.
Martha – There is a proper time to listen to Jesus and a proper time to work for him and getting caught up in the details can make us forget the main reasons for our actions.
Mary Magdalene – Jesus relates to women, women have a part to play in His ministry and those who are obedient grow in understanding.
The sinful woman (alabaster jar) - Small acts of obedience and service have widespread effects.
Woman with blood issue – Determination and a little faith go a very long way and have the courage to stand for what you want.
Woman at the well – Don’t be afraid to ask questions, thirst (curiosity) is a gift from God, and the good water is meant to be shared not hoarded.
Lydia – God can work with your abundance if you give it to him and he will do great things if you open up yourself and resources to Him.
Sapphira – Pride and generosity don’t mix and it’s not necessary to give in public, give privately God still knows.
Pricilla : God can and will use women to teach.
Dorcas : True faith is active.
Phoebe : God calls us to serve humbly and to serve always.
Junia : God uses women in all aspects of ministry, God doesn’t limit us.

Motherhood

Motherhood is on my mind at the moment. We have a beautiful little girl who is in pre-primary and our baby is about to turn one. I love my children with the most amazing love but you know what? Motherhood isn’t something that I feel has come easy to me. I always expected to have kids and yes I wanted them but when our first daughter arrived I discovered something about myself. In fact I discovered a lot about myself, but the thing I want to focus on is the fact that motherhood didn’t seem to make me glow. I didn’t resent my daughter, I didn’t suffer from postnatal depression but I also didn’t want to devote my all to my family. Why I thought I had to I couldn’t say, maybe some people do and maybe something in my mind said that’s what was supposed to happen when you became a mother. Well it didn’t. I must admit that over time there were things I saw other mothers do that made me wonder if there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have the desire to do them. In the end I simply came to the conclusion that I still had a life to live. I had a job before I had our daughter but it wasn’t a career so going back to work wasn’t a big thing for me, in fact I loved being a stay at home mum, I just needed other things to do as well.
Motherhood changes you, it should change all parents but for me it didn’t make my life complete. It didn’t seem to come naturally to me as it did to others. It wasn’t that our daughter was a problem child, though she didn’t seem to need to sleep as much as other babies – always wanting to be involved, but it didn’t take me long to realise I needed space. Just a little time where I could still be involved in the activities I enjoyed before she came along. I was, and still am, very fortunate to have a husband who understood that and was more than willing to take over when I needed to get out. Also I had siblings willing to baby-sit when the need arose.
I got back on the stage when my daughter was three months old. I’m sure, in fact I know some people didn’t understand it but for me that time allowed me to be a better parent when I was with her. It helped me recharge.
As mothers we all hear the greatest call of womanhood is to be a mother, the thing is so often it stops there and people don’t want to know if you’ve got anything else to offer. I just want to say here that mothers have a lot to offer. Sure we’re responsible for raising our kids, both parents should be – though reality is far from that ideal. Teaching manners, discipline, ethics, morals, life skills, it’s a long term lifestyle choice and a worthy one but you know not all mothers are the mothering stereotype. Don’t misunderstand me, parents need to be parents, I think trying to be your child’s friend instead is a dangerous thing, but being a mother doesn’t stop you being the person you were before (hopefully though it changed some bad habits if you had them).
Motherhood in the church isn’t quite the same as in general society, society is accepting the fact women are still multifaceted after they have children however it doesn’t always feel that way with the church. Or at least it hasn’t for me. This isn’t necessarily a deliberate or even conscious thing. It could very well be unspoken influence and pressure from previous generations, it could be just mostly in my mind. We have gone to churches where my husband, being a musician, is asked to join the music team and it just gets assumed that I will do kids ministry. Here’s a news flash for you, I’m not that great with other people’s kids. But you know what, I’m okay with that. Now. For a while I felt I should want to do it and be happy to do it, after all that’s what mothers do. But I don’t. I will help out because I am a parent and kids ministry often needs people to do that but please don’t expect, or ask, me to be a leader. Don’t just assume that’s where I belong, take the time to find out where I fit. If the church is a body (1 Cor 12:12-30) then we need to remember that there are many things that make up a body, not everyone is an eye.
Motherhood is a big commitment, one no-one should enter into lightly – sadly many do. It’s a lifetime thing but we need to remember children change our lives, add to them, they don’t stop them.
I’m glad I chose to be a stay at home mum even though it hasn’t always been easy, and although I’m a mother I know God has a call on my life as an individual. I am responsible for being the best mother I can but that is not all I have to offer. We all need to allow ourselves the permission to say to ourselves that ‘it’s alright for me to define myself and find value apart from motherhood.’ God calls us to different things; teachers, intercessors, counsellors, friends, the list is endless. He has gifted us all differently. I’m not talking down motherhood, I simply want to let you know that it’s okay to not match up to the ideal you may have had. It’s okay to be a mother and still want to pursue your other God given paths.
Look at Proverbs 31.
Sometimes we interpret that chapter as meaning we can have our cake and eat it too. Well for most of us it’s not that simple. Having a family means you learn to adjust and compromise and unfortunately we put ourselves last – it’s common to hear or read about how we need to learn to put ourselves first occasionally so we are able to give out. If you are empty you have nothing to give. I think a lot us know that we’re just not so good at doing it.
But back to Proverbs 31.
This woman has a family, a husband and a business (a couple in fact), she looks after the house and is a godly woman. I look at all the things she does and I wonder how she finds the time, just thinking about all of that exhausts me. I’d like to think though that through this chapter God is letting us know that all of these things are possible for us. Not all of us will have all of them and we shouldn’t expect to, but all things are possible, we don’t need to feel limited in our hopes and goals for our lives.
In western society women are far less oppressed than in other societies and that is due to the women who came before us, who fought for the rights and freedom we experience today. It’s also worth noting that right from the beginning God gave women an important place in society. God created women not as slaves but as an ezer kenegdo – which has mostly been translated to mean helper but according to ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge a better translation would be ezer – lifesaver and kenegdo – alongside/counterpart. Now doesn’t that sound a lot more powerful. God created women to be lifesaving counterparts, we are not an afterthought or a second class citizen. Right from the beginning God empowered women. We need to turn to him as our God and Saviour, our King and ask what is it you want me to do? Then we need to listen to what he says. We don’t need to hide our light. Our God calls us to shine, to be the best mother’s yes but also the best women, best daughters of the king we can be.
You are loved, you are valued, you are called.

Journey Home - Entry 3

I didn’t do too well yesterday. My emotions got the better of me, but as far as I‘m concerned there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Women are emotional and I’ve just gone through... am going through, a highly emotional period in my life. Look at me I must be a mess I’m apologising to a book for crying out loud.
Anyway moving on. I have this crazy notion I should write down some of my story. Who knows this may even help me. I’m not sure how but hey, the experts say it’s good not to keep it all inside and I guess they can’t all be wrong.
I wouldn’t say I had a sheltered life but I certainly didn’t run with the wild crowd. I didn’t see the point and not being one of the really popular kids meant I didn’t get pressured to conform to the latest phase. Which probably wasn’t a bad thing as I doubt my parents would have let me go along with half of them. Actually I suppose you could cover it all by saying my school years were pretty average. Some things I did well, some I didn’t. Some days were good and others not so good. There were people I got along well with and others I didn’t. I got teased but heck who hasn’t been at some point in time. I learnt to ignore some of it and occasionally I even managed to get my own back.
On the home front I loved my parents and they loved me, still do in fact. I have a sister, Brianna and a brother Stephen. Both are younger than me and apart from regular sibling rivalry and bickering we got along great. Though I suppose that depends on your definition of normal sibling rivalry. I guess that’s another one of those things which becomes clearer with the perspective of time.
Every Sunday our parents took us to church. I grew up believing in God, mostly because it was a given fact in our house. It was something we just knew and never really questioned. Truthfully though, by the time I was old enough to question it my belief and faith were very much a part of my life. I officially committed my life to Christ, as they say, when I was twelve. It was at an Easter camp and it somehow seemed like the right thing to do. I did it because I felt I needed a point of reference for my faith, something definite I could look back on and say, “That was when…”
I never once let go of my faith. Until now. Not even when I found out I was pregnant. I never once blamed God for that. I didn’t need to, plenty of others tried doing that for me. Instead knowing I had Him to rely on, to lean on, really helped me through what was a very difficult time.
The pregnancy wasn’t a difficult one, just the circumstances. My favourite bible verse at the time was Psalm 46:1 ‘God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble.’ For a young Christian girl being pregnant out of marriage seemed to be a definitive description of trouble.
My family were all so wonderful, so supportive. Right from the word go there was never any question of me giving up the child. Not for abortion or adoption. Adoption was mentioned but I didn’t think I would be able to give my baby up despite the circumstances. Abortion though was never an option, not for me. I had a tiny little life growing inside me and there was no way I would have been able to bring myself to get rid of it.
Little Jessica Emily was born in March the year I turned nineteen. She was so tiny and from the moment I saw her I knew I had made the right decision. I had a love for my little girl that had begun from the time I found out about her. Sure I went through ups and downs during the pregnancy, what woman doesn’t? By eight months I was feeling so big and heavy I was wishing she would just get out of me but not once did I consider getting rid of her.
When I first held her, before they had cleaned her up, I made up my mind the circumstances surrounding her conception would never hurt her. I was going to love her and be the best mother I possibly could. I didn’t know how but I was determined to do it.
With the support of my family I went back to university and finished my degree in teaching. I won’t say it was easy because it wasn’t. There were times I felt like giving up but I didn’t. I couldn’t. It was all because of Jessie. Well that’s what I told myself. All the hard work was worth it because of her. She was my motivation to succeed.
You know through all of that I never let go of God. Back then I thought things happened for a reason, life goes on and you play the hand you’re dealt the best way you know how. But now? I just don’t know how He could have let this happen. How can I have been blessed with Jessie only to have her snatched away after so few years? It’s just so hard to get my head around it.

Brief Moments - 2

From You

Inspiration
Comes from you Lord
It sets my heart ablaze

Desire
Comes from you Lord
The deep longing in me grows

Passion
Comes from you Lord
It stirs my spirit up

Peace
Comes from you Lord
As I seek to do your will

Joy
Comes from you Lord
As I walk with you each day

You Love Me

You love me because you love me
Not because of anything I can do
That love is so incredible
Sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s true

You love me because you love me
A most amazing thing
The feeling fills me up
Sometimes I just want to sing

You love me because you love me
You who made the world
Care about my coming and going
Even though I’m just one girl

You love me because you love me
You value me for me
At times it’s hard to accept
I wonder what it is you see

You love me because you love me
True unconditional love
I’m coming to understand what it means
To know you as my Father above

Amazed By You

I see the way your face lights up
When you master something new
It fills my heart with love and pride
As I’m amazed by you

The tiny body you started with
Gets bigger by the day
You rolled and crawled, now stand and walk
As you explore the world and play

Sometimes you sit and play transfixed
With whatever is close at hand
Other times you’re always on the go
Finding fun and mischief wherever you can

I love to sit and watch you learn
As you face new things and do
The same as every child does
I’m constantly amazed by you

Our Prayer For You

Our hearts were joined
From before we met
It was all going to change
Though it hadn’t sunk in yet

When we first took you home
We were a bit unsure
Of how we would cope
With all the things in store

Each day you bring joy
And some days tears
That won’t change I’m sure
Throughout the years

You’re a true blessing from God
An answer to prayer
Just so you know
We’ll always be there

Some things will go wrong
More will go right
When you need a hug
We’ll be there day or night

As the years come and go
We’ll pray God’s guidance for us and you
So we can be good parents
That’s our prayer for you

It’s In

It’s in the little things
That love is often found
The fleeting, passing touches
And the gentle whispered sounds

It’s the flowers that you gave
For no reason at all
The times when you are running late
And give me a call

It’s in the times when I am tired
And you do the dishes for me
And on the rare occasions
You surprised me by cooking tea

It’s when you really want a massage
But gave one to me instead
And got up to our daughter
Letting me stay warm in bed

It’s in the many little things
I seldom think about
If I just stood back and saw them
I’d know there is no cause for doubt