I didn’t do too well yesterday. My emotions got the better of me, but as far as I‘m concerned there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Women are emotional and I’ve just gone through... am going through, a highly emotional period in my life. Look at me I must be a mess I’m apologising to a book for crying out loud.
Anyway moving on. I have this crazy notion I should write down some of my story. Who knows this may even help me. I’m not sure how but hey, the experts say it’s good not to keep it all inside and I guess they can’t all be wrong.
I wouldn’t say I had a sheltered life but I certainly didn’t run with the wild crowd. I didn’t see the point and not being one of the really popular kids meant I didn’t get pressured to conform to the latest phase. Which probably wasn’t a bad thing as I doubt my parents would have let me go along with half of them. Actually I suppose you could cover it all by saying my school years were pretty average. Some things I did well, some I didn’t. Some days were good and others not so good. There were people I got along well with and others I didn’t. I got teased but heck who hasn’t been at some point in time. I learnt to ignore some of it and occasionally I even managed to get my own back.
On the home front I loved my parents and they loved me, still do in fact. I have a sister, Brianna and a brother Stephen. Both are younger than me and apart from regular sibling rivalry and bickering we got along great. Though I suppose that depends on your definition of normal sibling rivalry. I guess that’s another one of those things which becomes clearer with the perspective of time.
Every Sunday our parents took us to church. I grew up believing in God, mostly because it was a given fact in our house. It was something we just knew and never really questioned. Truthfully though, by the time I was old enough to question it my belief and faith were very much a part of my life. I officially committed my life to Christ, as they say, when I was twelve. It was at an Easter camp and it somehow seemed like the right thing to do. I did it because I felt I needed a point of reference for my faith, something definite I could look back on and say, “That was when…”
I never once let go of my faith. Until now. Not even when I found out I was pregnant. I never once blamed God for that. I didn’t need to, plenty of others tried doing that for me. Instead knowing I had Him to rely on, to lean on, really helped me through what was a very difficult time.
The pregnancy wasn’t a difficult one, just the circumstances. My favourite bible verse at the time was Psalm 46:1 ‘God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble.’ For a young Christian girl being pregnant out of marriage seemed to be a definitive description of trouble.
My family were all so wonderful, so supportive. Right from the word go there was never any question of me giving up the child. Not for abortion or adoption. Adoption was mentioned but I didn’t think I would be able to give my baby up despite the circumstances. Abortion though was never an option, not for me. I had a tiny little life growing inside me and there was no way I would have been able to bring myself to get rid of it.
Little Jessica Emily was born in March the year I turned nineteen. She was so tiny and from the moment I saw her I knew I had made the right decision. I had a love for my little girl that had begun from the time I found out about her. Sure I went through ups and downs during the pregnancy, what woman doesn’t? By eight months I was feeling so big and heavy I was wishing she would just get out of me but not once did I consider getting rid of her.
When I first held her, before they had cleaned her up, I made up my mind the circumstances surrounding her conception would never hurt her. I was going to love her and be the best mother I possibly could. I didn’t know how but I was determined to do it.
With the support of my family I went back to university and finished my degree in teaching. I won’t say it was easy because it wasn’t. There were times I felt like giving up but I didn’t. I couldn’t. It was all because of Jessie. Well that’s what I told myself. All the hard work was worth it because of her. She was my motivation to succeed.
You know through all of that I never let go of God. Back then I thought things happened for a reason, life goes on and you play the hand you’re dealt the best way you know how. But now? I just don’t know how He could have let this happen. How can I have been blessed with Jessie only to have her snatched away after so few years? It’s just so hard to get my head around it.
Anyway moving on. I have this crazy notion I should write down some of my story. Who knows this may even help me. I’m not sure how but hey, the experts say it’s good not to keep it all inside and I guess they can’t all be wrong.
I wouldn’t say I had a sheltered life but I certainly didn’t run with the wild crowd. I didn’t see the point and not being one of the really popular kids meant I didn’t get pressured to conform to the latest phase. Which probably wasn’t a bad thing as I doubt my parents would have let me go along with half of them. Actually I suppose you could cover it all by saying my school years were pretty average. Some things I did well, some I didn’t. Some days were good and others not so good. There were people I got along well with and others I didn’t. I got teased but heck who hasn’t been at some point in time. I learnt to ignore some of it and occasionally I even managed to get my own back.
On the home front I loved my parents and they loved me, still do in fact. I have a sister, Brianna and a brother Stephen. Both are younger than me and apart from regular sibling rivalry and bickering we got along great. Though I suppose that depends on your definition of normal sibling rivalry. I guess that’s another one of those things which becomes clearer with the perspective of time.
Every Sunday our parents took us to church. I grew up believing in God, mostly because it was a given fact in our house. It was something we just knew and never really questioned. Truthfully though, by the time I was old enough to question it my belief and faith were very much a part of my life. I officially committed my life to Christ, as they say, when I was twelve. It was at an Easter camp and it somehow seemed like the right thing to do. I did it because I felt I needed a point of reference for my faith, something definite I could look back on and say, “That was when…”
I never once let go of my faith. Until now. Not even when I found out I was pregnant. I never once blamed God for that. I didn’t need to, plenty of others tried doing that for me. Instead knowing I had Him to rely on, to lean on, really helped me through what was a very difficult time.
The pregnancy wasn’t a difficult one, just the circumstances. My favourite bible verse at the time was Psalm 46:1 ‘God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble.’ For a young Christian girl being pregnant out of marriage seemed to be a definitive description of trouble.
My family were all so wonderful, so supportive. Right from the word go there was never any question of me giving up the child. Not for abortion or adoption. Adoption was mentioned but I didn’t think I would be able to give my baby up despite the circumstances. Abortion though was never an option, not for me. I had a tiny little life growing inside me and there was no way I would have been able to bring myself to get rid of it.
Little Jessica Emily was born in March the year I turned nineteen. She was so tiny and from the moment I saw her I knew I had made the right decision. I had a love for my little girl that had begun from the time I found out about her. Sure I went through ups and downs during the pregnancy, what woman doesn’t? By eight months I was feeling so big and heavy I was wishing she would just get out of me but not once did I consider getting rid of her.
When I first held her, before they had cleaned her up, I made up my mind the circumstances surrounding her conception would never hurt her. I was going to love her and be the best mother I possibly could. I didn’t know how but I was determined to do it.
With the support of my family I went back to university and finished my degree in teaching. I won’t say it was easy because it wasn’t. There were times I felt like giving up but I didn’t. I couldn’t. It was all because of Jessie. Well that’s what I told myself. All the hard work was worth it because of her. She was my motivation to succeed.
You know through all of that I never let go of God. Back then I thought things happened for a reason, life goes on and you play the hand you’re dealt the best way you know how. But now? I just don’t know how He could have let this happen. How can I have been blessed with Jessie only to have her snatched away after so few years? It’s just so hard to get my head around it.
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