Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Oasis - Ch 8


Rachel lay on her stomach the sun beating down on her back. It had been a great weekend, spent mostly at the beach. Liz was great company, Rachel was glad she had decided to go into the common room instead of straight up to bed that first night. She could feel the sun starting to cook her skin and knew it was time to apply more sunscreen to her back, the only problem was she was feeling too relaxed to move. Settling for a compromise she rolled onto her back and put her hat over her face.
A part of her couldn’t believe just how good a time she was having and it occurred to her that for the most part she hadn’t thought about her parents but she supposed they weren’t giving her much thought either so it was all equal.
The guys were a lot of fun too. Last night the four of them had gone down to the nearest pub. Briefly Rachel was worried she’d be asked for I.D. and then kicked out because she didn’t have any, she knew a credit card simply wouldn’t cut it in that situation. She needn’t have given it any thought. The bouncers on the door knew the other three so didn’t even give her a second look. Well maybe a second but not a third. She was introduced to some interesting people including some who were also staying at the hostel.
One of the girls working behind the bar, Emma, had been staying at the hostel but was now living with her boyfriend. She told Rachel it was cheaper and she was lucky he wanted to travel with her because she could only work in each place for three months. Unlike Liz, Emma appeared to think she had found someone special. Rachel was sceptical but she wished the other girl the best anyway.
Nothing she had seen in her life made her believe a steady relationship was a great thing. Her parents may have been still together but in her book that didn’t make them well rounded people, especially considering they always seemed more interested in themselves than their only child. That is of course until she started doing things to tarnish their pristine reputations.
Quite a few of the kids she’d gone to school with had divorced parents and her past relationships or interactions with the opposite sex had done nothing to show her why you would want to tie yourself down to one guy. Still everyone was different Rachel reasoned and as long as Emma was happy it was none of her business. Then again it wasn’t even her business if Emma wasn’t happy because Rachel didn’t even really know her.
A shadow blocked her sunlight. Rachel lifted her hat, Liz was standing above her.
“So what’s it like being a lady of leisure?”
“Oh you know.” Rachel tried to make it sound as if it was all she ever did.
“No actually I don’t.” Liz plonked herself down on the edge of Rachel’s towel, kicking her sandals off and burying her feet in the warm sand.
“Alright, so you’ll know in a couple of weeks.” Rachel put the hat back over her face.
Liz took it off. “That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could spend the whole day at the beach like you.”
Rachel sat up. “No you don’t, you’d get bored.”
“Like hell I would, have you not noticed some of the bodies down here.
“Have you not noticed the other ‘somebodies’?”
Liz looked around, it didn’t take many seconds to realise what Rachel was referring to. “You mean the attachments. Surely some of them are single.”
“Probably but trying to figure that out sounds like too much hard work to me.”
“So maybe I could buy a magazine or even a book, the speed I read that’d keep me busy for about a month. Seriously though, what are your plans?”
Rachel looked around the beach for a few moments and then looked back at Liz. “You know, I guess I haven’t really thought about it. I’m still a bit amazed I’m here actually.”
“It’s a bit like that when you first travel.”
“Hey?” Rachel spoke before she thought.
Liz lifted her sunglasses and really looked at her. For a minute Rachel thought she had stuffed up and Liz was onto her, but Liz put her glasses back on and turned to stare out at the surf.
“I just meant it does sometimes take a while to adjust to the feeling of being somewhere new. I suppose the big difference between you and I is you’re still in your own country. When I was getting ready to come over here it was so weird. I was doing all the planning, sorting out my visa and everything but it was like it didn’t really register that I was going to another country to live for two years. People kept asking me if I was excited and I wasn’t, even though I thought I should’ve been. It wasn’t until I was here, on an Australian beach, in this wonderful weather that it really hit me. That was when I first got excited, up until then I think it was all just a bit too surreal.”
Rachel let Liz’s words sink in. She really wanted to tell Liz the truth, she just wanted someone to know but she still wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do. Instead she took a side issue. “Why did you pick here? Most people pick the bigger cities, you know on the east coast.”
“Honestly, the beaches. About a year ago an Aussie girl named Kate started working at my favourite pub back home. She was the reason I decided to travel. Anyway Kate was often talking about all her travelling and she’d tell us about what it was like back here. She seemed to be having so much fun. She would work for a while then take off for a couple of weeks and travel. Then she would come back to England and find another job somewhere else.
“I started to think it sounded like a great thing to do. So I asked her about places she had been and places she would recommend. She sold me on the beaches of Western Australia and she wasn’t wrong, I mean look at that,” Liz stretched her hand out in the direction of the ocean.
“Isn’t it just amazing. When I leave here I’m going to Kate’s home town of Esperance for a couple of weeks. I’ll be staying with a friend of Kate’s. She’s promised to show me some of the best beaches I’ve ever seen, including some places they apparently don’t tell regular tourists about. I suppose she could just be yanking my chain but I don’t care. After that I’m going to head up north, you know do the real tourist thing, dolphins, Monkey Mia and the like. I’m hoping to get some work in Broome and I’d love to see the gorges, I’ve seen some great pictures of them.
“Then I’m thinking Darwin and Alice Springs, but who knows, something may happen and my plans may change. I kind of like that aspect of travelling by myself, it means I’m not tied down to any particular schedule and I can change plans whenever I want.”
“Wow,” said Rachel. “You really seem to know what you want out of life.”
“You’re kidding right?” Liz couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “Why do you think I’m travelling? It’s because I don’t know what I want. What I just told you about is probably less than six months of my life. I don’t even know what I want to do after that, except maybe to spend some time in New Zealand. There are other places I’d like to see, but who knows how I’ll feel in six months time. By then I may want to go home.”
“I don’t ever want to go home,” muttered Rachel.
Liz gave her a questioning look but didn’t press the issue. When Rachel didn’t elaborate she just continued on as if Rachel hadn’t said anything.
“That is of course if I don’t get kicked out of the country first.” She paused staring out at the ocean. “So what are your plans?”
“What do you mean?”
“Work my dear. Unless of course you are independently wealthy, or your folks are forking out the money for you to slum it around the world.”
“Yeah like that’d happen.”
“Well then you are going to need an income even if you are staying somewhere as cheap as the dump we are in. Don’t get me wrong some of the best places I’m likely to stay would be considered dumps by more than a few people, but that aside, they still cost money.”
Rachel sighed. “I know,” she paused not sure what to say next, “but I’m trying not to think about it. I figure I have at least a week’s leeway before I have to do that kind of thinking, maybe it could be stretch to two if the weather stays this nice.”
“Oh so you really are a lady of leisure.”
“No not really, I’d just been planning this for a while so I have a little money put aside.”
“I wouldn’t let the guys know that they’ll try and hit you up for drinks and stuff.”
“Why, they work.”
“Yeah but they also drink and smoke a lot, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
The two girls sat on the beach in silence watching the breaking surf. Eventually Rachel spoke, “I guess we should head back.”
“Why?”
“I’m starting to feel hungry and I could do with a shower before trying to decide what I want to eat.”
“I can’t argue with that.”

Journey Home - Entry 9


I realise in all this I haven’t actually said what it was that happened to change my life so drastically. I’ve relived it again and again but I haven’t yet put it down in words. I guess I haven’t wanted to for much the same reason I haven’t wanted to talk about it with anyone, giving voice to it or words to it gives the whole thing more substance.
I wish I could live in denial but that isn’t realistic. I suppose I should be happy that my mind hasn’t shattered enough for it to be an option.
So anyway here it is in words.
It was a Thursday, just a normal Thursday afternoon, or at least that’s the way it started out. Jessica and I were doing our weekly shop. Like most people we were minding our own business, enjoying the time we were spending with each other.
I tried to make sure Jessie and I spent quality time together every week, so Thursday had become our shopping night. Let’s face it girls love to shop even if it is just window shopping. We would come home after school, get changed and prepare for battle. It was so much fun. We would disagree about everything from cereal to clothes. Usually starting at home with, ‘Mum you can’t wear that it’s sooooo embarrassing’ and I’d get changed. I used to plan in advance the most hideous outfits I could. It was all part of our weekly ritual. We’d shop, make wish lists and then grab an ice-cream before heading home. Thinking about it now hurts so much. I don’t know if I can keep writing.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Feeling Sorry For Myself


Life goes on and there are times I really wonder about my faith, mostly when it seems we try to do all we can and so often something comes and knocks us on our butts.
I had to pull myself up today from feeling sorry for myself. I'd just been to the drs and I hate drs waiting rooms, being late, gyno exams and kids immunisations. Then there was the news our youngest needs a referral to PMH (kids hospital) - nothing serious but after her sisters fun and games with her hearing I'm frustrated at having to do it again, even if it is slightly diff. Anyway I was thinking how unfair it was that I have so much going on and other people I know cruise by and blithely say everything is going to work out fine and so often it seems to for them.
Hello! How much self pity do I have? I don't need or want the life these people I was comparing myself to, have. I don't want their faith. The few times we’ve talked about it I’ve walked away thinking ‘I want more than that, there has to be more’. And in all honesty I don’t really know what is going on in their lives, we’re not that close. I should know that just because the surface looks so smooth doesn’t mean what’s really going on is without vicious undercurrents.
So I guess it comes down to can I stand up to the faith I want? (Daniel 3:16-18)
Am I prepared to put the effort in to get the deeper kind of relationship I want? (Luke 10:38-42)
Can I trust that God has it all in hand when I don't even know how my bills are going to get paid? (Matthew 6:25-34)
Am I able to push through the hard times because I know God has a call on my life and I want the best He has for me? (James 1:12, Job)
Do I believe God put certain things in my life so He can use them to reach others and teach me? (Romans 8:28)
Or is it all some big cosmic joke to Him?
In my heart I know the answer to the last is no. Problem is sometimes it feels like it is yes. Good thing faith isn't dictated by feelings, or my faith would be so fragmented it wouldn't stand up to anything. Forget about the winds of doubt, it wouldn’t stand up to a smelly…well you get it.
So in my moment of certainty in amongst all the uncertainty, I just want to encourage you that sometimes going deeper, means pushing harder, digging your heels in and persevering when all you want to do is walk the easy path for a while.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

Monday, June 23, 2008

Five Dollars


Three youths (18-20) stole five dollars from a six year old girl and when her dad stepped in to protect her and get her money back they beat him up.
This is an actual event and believe me if you were in my house on Friday you would know all about it. My hubby surfed channels till he found the story on the news, then had to tell me to stop shouting at him. He’s not the problem, he was just there, and believe me if he knew who they were…maybe I should leave that unsaid. I’m not 100% sure the Bible says anything specifically about pounding on thieving, selfish, cowards but I know there are things that probably relate, so it’s best to say I’m not feeling particularly ‘turn the other cheek and leave it God’ish.
The five dollars was five one dollar coins this girl had taped to a letter for Santa, I don’t know why, and I don’t care that Christmas is still…well too far in the future for me to be thinking about. I care that it happened at all. I am angry and appalled and if I thought it would make a difference I’d get on my roof and shout my displeasure. I could make myself heard make no mistake, I have a theatrical background and I know how to project. But I have children and I don’t want them in the firing line just because I’m worked up about something.
What the heck is wrong with society? Five dollars! What satisfaction could possibly be achieved from stealing from a child? I am in full fledged rant and I’m not about to try and be PC or polite about this. I don’t give a damn about any reason or excuse you could offer up in their defense. There is not a thing that justifies such an action. The poor girl watched her daddy get beaten up and when they went home she hid in her wardrobe, she was that scared. What wonderful examples of young adulthood we have around us. Don’t even think of coming back with but not all of them are like that because I know that. It doesn’t really matter that the percentage is small, it matters that it happens at all. Our kids should be allowed to be kids, they shouldn’t have to live in fear of being jumped by adults on the street for their pocket money.
What on earth has happened? How has it got to the stage where greed and selfishness has become so prevalent? I’m going to talk about that in more detail some other time because there is so much that can be said about that.
I’m finally starting to calm down. After a brief discussion with my husband and the thought of putting the question ‘where do these thugs live?’ out there, he said it was probably a good thing my gun club membership had expired. Now I don’t actually think guns are the answer. My suggestion would be more along the lines of - round up those who think beating up and picking on the young, the elderly, the weak and infirm is something to do, and put them in a room with me and a group of my mum and dad friends. Another not so Christian suggestion? Guess I still have a way to go. Some days it seems the work God and I do together on my life has so much further to go.
My frustration is in part due to the fact I feel so helpless. So unable to do anything that will change these sort of trends. Could I go out into that environment and patiently reach out to these lost, hurting, screwed up kids/adults? No I don’t have the patience, I just want to grab them and shake them till I knock some sense into them. I admire the people who can do that. And to be perfectly honest I don’t want to put my own kids closer to that kind of situation than necessary, so yeah I am a bit selfish too.
I know that I can reach out to those in my sphere of influence and do what I can for them. I do know some kids at risk of going down that sort of path, and I can make sure they don’t slip through the cracks. Of course I can’t help but wonder where the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles to these kids are! But then the whole solution never is that simple is it?

The Oasis - Ch 7



Rachel’s head was pounding when she woke up the following morning. She tried to lift it but it felt as though the whole world was rocking. She stopped trying to move and waited for the rocking to finish. When it had almost stopped she heard a groan near her ear and felt an arm pull her closer and the rocking started again.
“Don’t, it’s too early,” mumbled an almost incoherent male voice.
Rachel would have jumped if she wasn’t so focussed on trying not to move. It all came back to her. Well not all of it. She wasn’t at home and she wasn’t on the farm, so far it was all good news. She was in Perth, near the beach staying at a cheap hostel. She remembered that much and it still qualified as good. She had met some people, gotten drunk and the reason the world was rocking was because she had woken up in a hammock with a Kiwi called Jez. Still not bad. Her head hurt too much to try and fill in the details so she decided not too. Apart from her head nothing hurt, so Rachel reasoned things must be okay.
Slowly she opened her eyes. Then shut them again straight away. It was very bright. She wished she had her sunglasses. Then she remembered her jacket. She had her sunglasses when she went down to the beach for dinner last night and hadn’t been back up to the dorm since. She realised though that she wasn’t wearing it, in fact she wasn’t even sure where she had left it. She decided it could wait, Jez really did have a great chest and she curled in closer to him.
She was almost asleep again when something shook the hammock.
“Hey Romeo, get up we’ve got to go to work.”
“Not going, too comfortable.” Rachel heard Jez’s response through his chest. He was right it really was too comfortable to move.
She felt the hammock begin to tilt, and sat up suddenly, her body protesting at the movement. “Hey!”
“Hey to you too,” answered Brett. “You have five seconds to wake him up before I throw a bucket of cold water on you both.”
Rachel flipped herself off the hammock somewhat unsteadily, which sent her head spinning. Her body seemed undecided about it’s ability to hold up her weight. She put a hand on the closest tree to try and steady herself. Her mind was trying to convince the rest of her that what she’d just done had to be better than being shocked awake with cold water. The rest of her wasn’t quite convinced.
“Get up Jez.” She poked him in the ribs. He just grunted. She looked at Brett through mostly shut eyes and shrugged. “I tried.”
Brett lifted a bucket and emptied it over Jez. Rachel winced, glad she’d moved before the water hit.
Jez sat up and shook his head, getting water all over Rachel and Brett. “I guess that means I don’t have to have a shower, thankyou.”
“Your welcome.”
“Breakfast?”
“Maccers.”
“Work?”
“Dunno.”
The two guys walked off continuing the conversation one word at a time. Rachel shook her head and winced again. It had been a while since she had been hung over. Especially this hung over. Looking around she found her jacket. Bending over to pick it up gave her head the opportunity to take another spin on its axis. She decided she was going to get a huge glass of water and then go to bed. It wasn’t as if there was anything pressing she had to do.
It was after twelve when she woke up again. She didn’t feel queasy any more rather her stomach seemed to be letting her know it was time for her to eat. Her head also felt better, not normal but definitely better. Rachel grabbed her toiletries and headed to the bathroom hoping one of them was free. Half way there she ran into Liz.
“Hey sleepyhead, have fun last night?”
Rachel laughed before realising what a bad idea it would be. Her head started throbbing again. “Did you?”
“You know I did, but you didn’t answer my question.”
“Yes I had a good time, thanks for including me.”
“You still didn’t answer my question.”
Rachel stared at her briefly until it dawned on her what Liz was talking about. “Oh. I don’t think so.”
“What do you mean, ‘you don’t think so’?”
“I had a good time but not the way you mean, I was still fully dressed when I woke up in the hammock.”
Liz laughed, “The hammock, now that’s something I haven’t tried. I wonder if it could take the weight?”
“I’ll let you know when I find out.” Rachel joined in Liz’s laughter.
“Anyway on to more serious matters,” said Liz. “I was just about to head down to the beach, do you want to join me?”
“Sure, I guess I can get something to eat down there.”
Liz raised a questioning eyebrow and looked at the toiletries in Rachel’s hands.
Rachel shrugged, “Not much point having a shower if we’re going swimming and food was the next thing on my ‘to do’ list.”

Journey Home - Entry 8



This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Not that this is something I ever thought about mind you. Then who does think about how they’ll cope with the death of their child? It just isn’t something anyone ever really considers. I suppose you think about it when you hear, see or read those stories about children being killed. Even so, you never really consider the possibility it could happen to you. I know I certainly didn’t.
The news headlines make it all sound so impersonal. I saw one that read “TRAGEDY: SEVEN DEAD IN SUPERMARKET SLAUGHTER”. In normal circumstances you would read that and think ‘oh how sad’ and maybe wonder about what this world is coming to, but it’s still something far removed from you personally.
The only problem was this time it wasn’t so far away. In fact it was so close I’m sure the scars I have will never completely fade.
Perhaps the public nature of it all is one reason I’m finding it so difficult to deal with. It’s so hard when a personal tragedy is laid out for all to see. People think they know me because of what they’ve read about me in the paper. They don’t. They don’t know the first thing about me, except my daughter was killed.
They mean well, I don’t doubt that, but it’s so hard to grieve when you don’t have the privacy to do so. It’s as if everything I’m feeling is amplified by the fact everyone seems to be watching me to see how I will cope.
I’ve only just got my privacy back so maybe things will start making sense again soon.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Journey Home - Entry 7



I haven’t really talked about the funeral. I don’t know if I should or even if I can. However it is my journal and I can talk about anything I want without any concern for the etiquette of death, if such a thing exists.
I haven’t had a lot of experience with funerals. One of my grandfathers died when I was little but I don’t remember much about that. I’ve heard people say the funeral for so and so was beautiful and similar sentiments, but I’m not sure the words beautiful or lovely suit a funeral. It may be Jessica’s is still too fresh in my mind.
Her funeral was not what I would consider a private affair but then I shouldn’t have expected it to be. After all the way she died was horribly public. Jessie was the youngest victim and so many people came to express their condolences. I didn’t even know half of them. I just thanked them and moved on.
There were so many flowers as well. In fact I’ve received more flowers in the last few weeks than I probably will during the rest of my lifetime. What’s with flowers at a time like this? I don’t get it. What have flowers got to do with death? Why do people think they are a good thing to give to someone who’s grieving? Sure they’re pretty but they don’t last very long before they die too, doesn’t that make them a highly inappropriate thing to give?
It seems a tragedy like this brings, I don’t know, people’s hearts to life. So often we live day after day not caring about others. I know because I see it all the time; disdainful looks, poorly looked after children, abuses of many kinds. So many different things. Things we seem to become immune to until some sort of tragedy awakens the compassion in us. I know I’m being somewhat cynical, not all people are like that. I hope I’m not like that, but if I’m to be honest in many ways I am. I’ve turned my nose up at people, muttered about how they should look after themselves better. I’ve even seen things and thought someone should do something about it. It never crossed my mind to do anything about it myself. I’m just like everyone else.
Where was I? Jessica’s funeral. Sometimes it seems so long ago, sometimes it seems like yesterday and always I wish it were some horrible, terrible dream I could wake up from.