I think unforgiveness is something we all have to face up to at some time, even if we don’t want to admit it. We all have things we hold onto. For me a lot of those things had to do with rejection one way or another; from my father, my peers, the opposite sex.
My dad wasn’t affectionate when I was growing up, unless he was drunk, which is problem number two. He’s a smart man and somehow my A’s and B’s were never quite good enough for him. When I was a teenager and he wasn’t working it always seemed to me that he was more interested in other people’s problems than his own family, more into helping others. I sacrificed growing up to pull up the slack I believed he was leaving and it took a long time to get over that, to forgive him and let it go. Now though our relationship is pretty good and I no longer feel angry or resentful when I see him or talk to him.
Rejection of my peers, female and male was something I convinced myself didn’t matter. I built up emotional walls and tried to make myself immune but if I really looked I still had feelings pent up regarding what had been said to and about me. It wasn’t until I was in the UK that I realised I’d let go of all of that. One night on the tube I realised I was happy with who I’d become and sorry for those who laughed at my expense. Sure these things formed me and I accept and understand that but they no longer have a hold over me. Those things from the past have no power over me they are simply things that happened.
I think we underestimate the power of forgiveness. We live in a society so dominated by self on so many levels, yet we ignore one of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves. We don’t let go of the hurts that have been inflicted on us. We are determined to either exact revenge in various ways or blame others and the things we’ve had done to us for our actions: ‘I abuse because I was abused’, ‘I killed them because they picked on me’.
By holding onto these things we perpetuate the cycle of deterioration. Do we really want to give others that much control over us? Is it really that hard to move on? I’ve heard people tell of how miserable their lives are because they were picked on years ago, yet when the bully is confronted by it they don’t remember. The doer isn’t the one whose life has been cramped, it’s the person who won’t let go that suffers. What forgiveness does is allow us to move on with our lives, it allows us to live in the present and for the future rather than in the past.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting and it doesn’t mean what was done is okay. I think both these concepts trip us up, we don’t want to give people the wrong idea, the idea that certain things don’t matter. The pain we experience does matter and forgiveness doesn’t suggest that it doesn’t. What forgiveness does is allow us to pick ourselves up and move on. It allows us to function in a healthy way even though we have scars, bruises and imperfections.
Of course there is a world of difference between the sorts of things people can do to each other, some things are very obviously more horrible and there are definitely things out there I would struggle with forgiveness for. In fact there are things I struggle with that don’t even involve me directly. So by no means am I a virtue of forgiveness, I am simply trying to point out that maybe it is time we re-evaluated. Time we took a good long look at our lives and the unnecessary baggage we are carrying around, and time we let go of some of it. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy but maybe we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.
The bible is all about forgiveness. Jesus Christ preached forgiveness, he lived forgiveness and some of his last words were about forgiveness. If it wasn’t so important he wouldn’t have spent so much time on it.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your
heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not
forgive men their sins, you Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked “Lord how many times
shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to
seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy
seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22
Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they?
Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now
and leave your life of sin.”
John 8:10-11
When they came to the place called the Skull, there they
crucified him, along with the criminals – one on his right, the
other on his left. Jesus said “Father forgive them, for they do
not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23:33-34
Unforgiveness has the ability to block up so much of our lives, to block up our joy, our happiness and even our very potential. It can stop us in our tracks. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily an easy thing but then a lot of things in life aren’t, and though we may wish they were it doesn’t stop us doing them. How much do I know that?
There are times forgiveness appears impossible. People can do truly horrid things to other people. So how do we let go of that stuff? Well I guess the only answer is to say not easily and not alone.
We need to change our focus, our heart attitude, and sometimes that takes time. The truth is I don’t know if it can be done without faith. Faith can anchor us and help us change. Faith can help us see a positive future when the place we are in seems so dark. I think it’s hard to take the step to forgiveness but I think it’s the best thing for us, it’s something that enables us to move on. For as long as it takes we can ask God for the grace to forgive and He will walk step by step with us through these tough and trying times.
Do we ever stop to think if we are holding on to any unforgiveness? Chances are we don’t. Sometimes things in this area are obvious but a lot of the time it’s probably fair to say we over look things. In my case the teasing thing and the Dad thing are both things I feel I’ve dealt with, both things that at one point or another I have said “I forgive them for those actions’, but there are people in my life at the moment who do things I constantly have to let go of. There are a couple of people I know who seem to have things land in their laps even when they’ve discarded their faith. Even to the point where we have wanted something and their actions have meant we couldn’t have it, then they turn around a bit later and say look what I’ve been given and it’s the very thing we wanted only they’ve been given it with an upgrade. Sometimes it’s easy to resent them and turn to God saying ‘what do we need to do to get a break?’ or ‘how could you give that to them?’. The truth is it is a much healthier attitude to say ‘okay God’ and let it go, even if it’s not an easier one.
What does all this have to do with forgiveness? Well that’s easy. When something like this happens we are more likely to take the path of resentment and the person we are resenting probably isn’t even aware of it. So we need to forgive them for their attitude to us, their use of us, their carelessness of our feelings or whatever it is and let the forgiveness help us let go of the resentment. Resentment is one of those things that can really twist us up.
Sometimes the person we need to forgive is ourselves. We are all stupid and do stupid things on occasion. Or maybe that’s just me.
The other thing tied to forgiving is we need to accept the forgiveness of others and of God. Both those things are tricky because they both require us to acknowledge that we are capable of doing things that require forgiveness, but not doing either of these can also hold us back and twist us up. Accepting God’s forgiveness is sightly more layered in that if we can’t or don’t accept it we are basically saying that whatever we have done is bigger than God, bigger than the sacrifice that was made on the cross for us. Do you really want to be saying that to God?
On the upside we probably forgive many times a day without realising it: when we get cut off in traffic and choose not to let it ruin our day; when someone says or does something that is insensitive or mean and we chose not to take offence; every time we try not to be the elephant that never forgets.
Forgiveness helps us move forward and have more control on our lives. It also protects us because it helps us to be more even in our character and less susceptible to every little thing that isn’t exactly as we want it. Let’s face it we could all do with a little less stress in our lives.
So maybe we should take a little time, stand back and evaluate.
My dad wasn’t affectionate when I was growing up, unless he was drunk, which is problem number two. He’s a smart man and somehow my A’s and B’s were never quite good enough for him. When I was a teenager and he wasn’t working it always seemed to me that he was more interested in other people’s problems than his own family, more into helping others. I sacrificed growing up to pull up the slack I believed he was leaving and it took a long time to get over that, to forgive him and let it go. Now though our relationship is pretty good and I no longer feel angry or resentful when I see him or talk to him.
Rejection of my peers, female and male was something I convinced myself didn’t matter. I built up emotional walls and tried to make myself immune but if I really looked I still had feelings pent up regarding what had been said to and about me. It wasn’t until I was in the UK that I realised I’d let go of all of that. One night on the tube I realised I was happy with who I’d become and sorry for those who laughed at my expense. Sure these things formed me and I accept and understand that but they no longer have a hold over me. Those things from the past have no power over me they are simply things that happened.
I think we underestimate the power of forgiveness. We live in a society so dominated by self on so many levels, yet we ignore one of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves. We don’t let go of the hurts that have been inflicted on us. We are determined to either exact revenge in various ways or blame others and the things we’ve had done to us for our actions: ‘I abuse because I was abused’, ‘I killed them because they picked on me’.
By holding onto these things we perpetuate the cycle of deterioration. Do we really want to give others that much control over us? Is it really that hard to move on? I’ve heard people tell of how miserable their lives are because they were picked on years ago, yet when the bully is confronted by it they don’t remember. The doer isn’t the one whose life has been cramped, it’s the person who won’t let go that suffers. What forgiveness does is allow us to move on with our lives, it allows us to live in the present and for the future rather than in the past.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting and it doesn’t mean what was done is okay. I think both these concepts trip us up, we don’t want to give people the wrong idea, the idea that certain things don’t matter. The pain we experience does matter and forgiveness doesn’t suggest that it doesn’t. What forgiveness does is allow us to pick ourselves up and move on. It allows us to function in a healthy way even though we have scars, bruises and imperfections.
Of course there is a world of difference between the sorts of things people can do to each other, some things are very obviously more horrible and there are definitely things out there I would struggle with forgiveness for. In fact there are things I struggle with that don’t even involve me directly. So by no means am I a virtue of forgiveness, I am simply trying to point out that maybe it is time we re-evaluated. Time we took a good long look at our lives and the unnecessary baggage we are carrying around, and time we let go of some of it. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy but maybe we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.
The bible is all about forgiveness. Jesus Christ preached forgiveness, he lived forgiveness and some of his last words were about forgiveness. If it wasn’t so important he wouldn’t have spent so much time on it.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your
heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not
forgive men their sins, you Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked “Lord how many times
shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to
seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy
seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22
Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they?
Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now
and leave your life of sin.”
John 8:10-11
When they came to the place called the Skull, there they
crucified him, along with the criminals – one on his right, the
other on his left. Jesus said “Father forgive them, for they do
not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23:33-34
Unforgiveness has the ability to block up so much of our lives, to block up our joy, our happiness and even our very potential. It can stop us in our tracks. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily an easy thing but then a lot of things in life aren’t, and though we may wish they were it doesn’t stop us doing them. How much do I know that?
There are times forgiveness appears impossible. People can do truly horrid things to other people. So how do we let go of that stuff? Well I guess the only answer is to say not easily and not alone.
We need to change our focus, our heart attitude, and sometimes that takes time. The truth is I don’t know if it can be done without faith. Faith can anchor us and help us change. Faith can help us see a positive future when the place we are in seems so dark. I think it’s hard to take the step to forgiveness but I think it’s the best thing for us, it’s something that enables us to move on. For as long as it takes we can ask God for the grace to forgive and He will walk step by step with us through these tough and trying times.
Do we ever stop to think if we are holding on to any unforgiveness? Chances are we don’t. Sometimes things in this area are obvious but a lot of the time it’s probably fair to say we over look things. In my case the teasing thing and the Dad thing are both things I feel I’ve dealt with, both things that at one point or another I have said “I forgive them for those actions’, but there are people in my life at the moment who do things I constantly have to let go of. There are a couple of people I know who seem to have things land in their laps even when they’ve discarded their faith. Even to the point where we have wanted something and their actions have meant we couldn’t have it, then they turn around a bit later and say look what I’ve been given and it’s the very thing we wanted only they’ve been given it with an upgrade. Sometimes it’s easy to resent them and turn to God saying ‘what do we need to do to get a break?’ or ‘how could you give that to them?’. The truth is it is a much healthier attitude to say ‘okay God’ and let it go, even if it’s not an easier one.
What does all this have to do with forgiveness? Well that’s easy. When something like this happens we are more likely to take the path of resentment and the person we are resenting probably isn’t even aware of it. So we need to forgive them for their attitude to us, their use of us, their carelessness of our feelings or whatever it is and let the forgiveness help us let go of the resentment. Resentment is one of those things that can really twist us up.
Sometimes the person we need to forgive is ourselves. We are all stupid and do stupid things on occasion. Or maybe that’s just me.
The other thing tied to forgiving is we need to accept the forgiveness of others and of God. Both those things are tricky because they both require us to acknowledge that we are capable of doing things that require forgiveness, but not doing either of these can also hold us back and twist us up. Accepting God’s forgiveness is sightly more layered in that if we can’t or don’t accept it we are basically saying that whatever we have done is bigger than God, bigger than the sacrifice that was made on the cross for us. Do you really want to be saying that to God?
On the upside we probably forgive many times a day without realising it: when we get cut off in traffic and choose not to let it ruin our day; when someone says or does something that is insensitive or mean and we chose not to take offence; every time we try not to be the elephant that never forgets.
Forgiveness helps us move forward and have more control on our lives. It also protects us because it helps us to be more even in our character and less susceptible to every little thing that isn’t exactly as we want it. Let’s face it we could all do with a little less stress in our lives.
So maybe we should take a little time, stand back and evaluate.
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