Fear is a funny thing. I made the choice to look up a couple of people from my school days the other day. It’s one of those things people do on facebook. It was interesting seeing what they look like and are into now but I wasn’t prepared for all the stuff it unearthed.
High school wasn’t a great time for me. The first two years I was the brain or the teachers pet. Year ten was an anomaly because I knew some of the popular kids before I moved to town, but then it was a small town only ten kids in the graduating class. Then six months at one Senior High School and eighteen months at another. Through most of it I never really felt I fit and looking those people up brought back all the fears and insecurities I’d known. What if they don’t remember me? What if they don’t want to reconnect? What if they think I’m a failure? Of course discovering there are very early stages of a twenty year reunion being planned only made the anxiety worse. It didn’t matter how much I mentally slapped myself across the face I couldn’t get past those feelings of rejection from high school.
Then in the car I heard a song that reminded me of my time in England and I realized that high school just wasn’t that important, it wasn’t worth the energy the fear was wasting. Those people who don’t remember me (and there were loads I didn’t remember either) well so what, why should they? I didn’t circulate with them, I wasn’t particularly active in school things and truthfully I didn’t even know who I was back then. It wasn’t until uni and more significantly the almost two years I spent based in the UK, that I was able to define myself. I met people who got me, who shared my interests and accepted me. At the end of high school some people were really sad, they viewed it as the end of something. Me I saw it as a beginning, high school was simply something I had to do to get myself out into the world.
So my conclusion was it ultimately doesn’t matter if those people remember me or not, or if they think I’m a success or not because I like who I am (though I am still working on losing the last of my baby kilos that won’t seem to budge).
Here’s me. I have a wonderful husband of more than ten years and two beautiful little girls, a degree and an associate diploma. I spent nearly two years overseas; Christmas’ in Holland and Ireland, New Years in Edinburgh and Dublin, summers in Greece and Spain, a weekend in France. I have performed on stage in Australia and the UK; done intense dramas, comedies, pantos and Shakespeare, been naked on stage on an extremely cold opening night, even written, produced and acted in my own play. I’ve also done some short films. I’ve written; two novels (as yet unpublished), two full length plays (working on my third), and a bunch of one-acts.
I am scared of stuffing up my lines, especially the first one and yet there is no greater high for me than stepping out under the stage lights. I often think I’ll suck at things but I’ve tried them and I conquer, not because I’m not scared but because I try and I persevere. I’ve been hurt plenty but I still try to make friends and if I didn’t I’d have missed out on having some wonderful people in my life. I’ve been brokenhearted because I thought I was in love, yet that didn’t stop me and now I really know love. I worried about what people might think of me until I realized they didn’t know me so why should I care. Why should I let what someone else may or may not think dictate my self worth and actions. And really am I that arrogant that I think I really matter to all those people?
Fear can hold us back or drive us forward. It can paralyze or motivate. The thing is though I think most of the time fight or flight is our choice. Fear is something to be overcome. Yes it can be a warning and we need to take those times seriously but a lot of our fear is irrational. There are times we need to fear not. Dare to love yourself, the skin you are in, the person you are and be true to you.
High school wasn’t a great time for me. The first two years I was the brain or the teachers pet. Year ten was an anomaly because I knew some of the popular kids before I moved to town, but then it was a small town only ten kids in the graduating class. Then six months at one Senior High School and eighteen months at another. Through most of it I never really felt I fit and looking those people up brought back all the fears and insecurities I’d known. What if they don’t remember me? What if they don’t want to reconnect? What if they think I’m a failure? Of course discovering there are very early stages of a twenty year reunion being planned only made the anxiety worse. It didn’t matter how much I mentally slapped myself across the face I couldn’t get past those feelings of rejection from high school.
Then in the car I heard a song that reminded me of my time in England and I realized that high school just wasn’t that important, it wasn’t worth the energy the fear was wasting. Those people who don’t remember me (and there were loads I didn’t remember either) well so what, why should they? I didn’t circulate with them, I wasn’t particularly active in school things and truthfully I didn’t even know who I was back then. It wasn’t until uni and more significantly the almost two years I spent based in the UK, that I was able to define myself. I met people who got me, who shared my interests and accepted me. At the end of high school some people were really sad, they viewed it as the end of something. Me I saw it as a beginning, high school was simply something I had to do to get myself out into the world.
So my conclusion was it ultimately doesn’t matter if those people remember me or not, or if they think I’m a success or not because I like who I am (though I am still working on losing the last of my baby kilos that won’t seem to budge).
Here’s me. I have a wonderful husband of more than ten years and two beautiful little girls, a degree and an associate diploma. I spent nearly two years overseas; Christmas’ in Holland and Ireland, New Years in Edinburgh and Dublin, summers in Greece and Spain, a weekend in France. I have performed on stage in Australia and the UK; done intense dramas, comedies, pantos and Shakespeare, been naked on stage on an extremely cold opening night, even written, produced and acted in my own play. I’ve also done some short films. I’ve written; two novels (as yet unpublished), two full length plays (working on my third), and a bunch of one-acts.
I am scared of stuffing up my lines, especially the first one and yet there is no greater high for me than stepping out under the stage lights. I often think I’ll suck at things but I’ve tried them and I conquer, not because I’m not scared but because I try and I persevere. I’ve been hurt plenty but I still try to make friends and if I didn’t I’d have missed out on having some wonderful people in my life. I’ve been brokenhearted because I thought I was in love, yet that didn’t stop me and now I really know love. I worried about what people might think of me until I realized they didn’t know me so why should I care. Why should I let what someone else may or may not think dictate my self worth and actions. And really am I that arrogant that I think I really matter to all those people?
Fear can hold us back or drive us forward. It can paralyze or motivate. The thing is though I think most of the time fight or flight is our choice. Fear is something to be overcome. Yes it can be a warning and we need to take those times seriously but a lot of our fear is irrational. There are times we need to fear not. Dare to love yourself, the skin you are in, the person you are and be true to you.
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