Where do I start? I’m not even sure why I’ve decided to put pen to paper. I haven’t kept a diary since I was a kid. Well I was actually sixteen and if anyone had have called me a kid I’d have thrown a fit. But I was. At least I’m honest enough to say that now. When you’re that age you think you know so much, maybe not everything but enough to know your parents can’t say anything you need to hear. Back then things were less complicated. Okay so they didn’t seem that way at the time, but from where I’m standing now…
Anyway back to this diary thing. I suppose the main reason I haven’t kept a diary all these years is that I haven’t really had the time. Life has been too full, too busy for me to spend my free time, on the rare occasions I had any, sitting on my butt rehashing the events of my day. I also haven’t had cause to keep one, even once they became the in thing to do. Now my situation is certainly different, I have both time and reason. Besides it sure beats talking to the wall.
Now where to start? I’m twenty seven, five feet and seven inches. I have longish dark brown hair and dark eyes. My hobbies include hiking, - wow this stuff isn’t necessary it sounds like I’m writing an ad for the personals. Something else I’ve never done by the way. Like keeping a diary it simply held no interest for me.
I told you I hadn’t done this in a while. I don’t even know why I’m writing it this way, like I’m talking to someone, it’s not like I’m hoping anyone will read it. I just need a way to get my feelings out, sort through the mess of emotions flying around in my head.
I’m looking for a way to fill in time. Time I used to spend being with my little girl and teaching. Not anymore though, work has given me as much time off as I need.
What is that anyway? ‘Take as much time as you need’. I know they’re trying to be understanding or sympathetic or something but please, as if I really need more empty time. I guess they figure that being around other people’s kids would just be too much for me. In actual fact I wish I was at work, at least then I would have something else to think about, to focus on.
I suppose put that way it sounds kind of cruel or cold but the truth is I’m at a loose end. I really don’t know what to say or do about it, about everything that’s happened in recent weeks. After all how to deal with a situation like this is not something you ever get taught.
So where does this all leave me? My daughter, my little girl, has been taken from me, violently and unexpectedly, and sometimes I even have trouble accepting that as my new reality.
Instead I try to focus on something else. Anything else really. I just try to forget. I know that isn’t really possible, nor is it practical, deep down I don’t want to forget her. I love her and I miss her. But what else can I do? I don’t know how to cope.
I’ve had enough for today.
Anyway back to this diary thing. I suppose the main reason I haven’t kept a diary all these years is that I haven’t really had the time. Life has been too full, too busy for me to spend my free time, on the rare occasions I had any, sitting on my butt rehashing the events of my day. I also haven’t had cause to keep one, even once they became the in thing to do. Now my situation is certainly different, I have both time and reason. Besides it sure beats talking to the wall.
Now where to start? I’m twenty seven, five feet and seven inches. I have longish dark brown hair and dark eyes. My hobbies include hiking, - wow this stuff isn’t necessary it sounds like I’m writing an ad for the personals. Something else I’ve never done by the way. Like keeping a diary it simply held no interest for me.
I told you I hadn’t done this in a while. I don’t even know why I’m writing it this way, like I’m talking to someone, it’s not like I’m hoping anyone will read it. I just need a way to get my feelings out, sort through the mess of emotions flying around in my head.
I’m looking for a way to fill in time. Time I used to spend being with my little girl and teaching. Not anymore though, work has given me as much time off as I need.
What is that anyway? ‘Take as much time as you need’. I know they’re trying to be understanding or sympathetic or something but please, as if I really need more empty time. I guess they figure that being around other people’s kids would just be too much for me. In actual fact I wish I was at work, at least then I would have something else to think about, to focus on.
I suppose put that way it sounds kind of cruel or cold but the truth is I’m at a loose end. I really don’t know what to say or do about it, about everything that’s happened in recent weeks. After all how to deal with a situation like this is not something you ever get taught.
So where does this all leave me? My daughter, my little girl, has been taken from me, violently and unexpectedly, and sometimes I even have trouble accepting that as my new reality.
Instead I try to focus on something else. Anything else really. I just try to forget. I know that isn’t really possible, nor is it practical, deep down I don’t want to forget her. I love her and I miss her. But what else can I do? I don’t know how to cope.
I’ve had enough for today.
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