Journey Home - Entry 5

I was saying yesterday that being at home isn’t any easier than being at my parents place. Well I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve come to realise in some ways it is. Oh there are certainly ways in which it isn’t but there is a sort of balance here I don’t get at Mum’s.
Sure there are far more things here to remind me of Jessie; her clothes, toys, photos of her, even a certificate from school that’s still on the fridge door (I’m obviously not the only one who thought she was wonderful).
All those things and the memories they bring are balanced out by the freedom I have here to grieve. The freedom I have to get angry and even cry. The freedom to scream and to throw things. In fact to express any of the number of emotions I can go through in one day, who am I kidding – in one hour. When I’m by myself I don’t have to watch what I do. I don’t have to constantly be aware of others watching and worrying about me. I can just feel without really having to think about it.
I’m not sure if it is better being here. I think it is. It’s got to be better to have the freedom to express my feelings rather than having to keep a close guard on them. The problem is I don’t think anywhere is a good place to be at the moment.